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‘Are you okay?’
Tommy had wanted to scoff at the obvious answer to the dumb question. He didn’t need someone asking about his well being mentally or physically. And that question asked a lot.
In truth no, he was not alright. In fact, he was probably the farthest from ever being the perfection of health or of sound body and mind. However–
“Yeah, dick’ead, still walking and can still talk, so I’d say I’m fine,” Tommy grumbled, tucking his sweater around his body as he scoffed looking off to the side ignoring the piercing gaze of Puffy who sat across from him. He avoided Puffy’s gaze as he played with a loose string on his sweater. The blue fabric became more interesting as he sat in that oddly comfortable chair.
He hated the way she looked at him, trusting him to make his own decisions while also not twisting her face into disbelief while he obviously lied. She only smiled, staring at him with the warmth of the sun. Something that should be impossible, but he could remember smiling like that to others as well. A pity he no longer could.
“That alright, walking and talking are good reasons to be okay, but there are others too. Have you spoken with Tubbo or Ranboo lately? Good friends are another reason to be okay. So is eating and sleeping healthy, even exercise and animals. Some things can make you okay, or make you think that you aren’t bad off, but regardless, it’s the person’s emotions that make them okay.” Puffy spoke, her caring eyes never leaving Tommy even when he looked off out the window and away from her.
“The hell‘s that supposed to mean? I’m perfectly fine emotionally,” He grumbled glare at her, but his gaze held no real heat. Tommy could feel himself caving on himself. Tucking himself further into a corner that was starting to make him claustrophobic.
“It’s alright Tommy,” Puffy held up her hands seeing how the teen’s eyes narrowed in on them with a slight hint of fear. She put her hands down clenching them around her pant legs as he tried not to show the expression she wore. The anger that was present in her body refused to be shown to the frightened boy who only knew how to express his anger: through outbursts.
“There isn’t a problem not understanding your emotions, or how to express them. I still have trouble myself, it’s normal for everyone to have their moment where they are overfilled with their emotions and lash-out,” She spoke calmly, smiling at the younger teen as she eased him down just slightly. At least he didn’t look like he was about to run away from the conversation.
“Then why has my entire life been lashed-out at me, huh?” Tommy retorted. “Why do I have to deal with other’s emotions without understanding my own?” Tommy’s voice cracked, but he’d be damned to cry.
He wouldn’t show that emotion, especially not when any time tears rolled down his cheeks he was lied to.
(‘Crying was for manipulating’, Wilbur would often say. Tommy shouldn’t have been surprised when that tactic was used against him so much because he was such a weak-hearted person)
He was coerced into doing things he didn’t want, into believing lies that he refused to believe.
(Wilbur promised him greatness in a country he fought to protect; he promised a family. Tommy couldn’t remember either of those being true. They were falsehoods preached to him by a man too good at speaking)
Why was it fair for the world to hate him so much that he could even be able to be sad?
(Being sad would gain pity, and pity was for the weak. Tommy couldn’t be sad and be productive. Not with the world moving too quickly to let him grieve. It was easier to move on before his heart had time to intercept the damage, and too quick for his mind to process the trauma)
“You shouldn’t have,” Puffy's stern tone surprised him slightly, making him flinch back at the sudden tone.
Puffy immediately realized softening her words. “Nobody should ever have to force someone to take on that burden of another’s feelings. Whether it be anger, guilt, or even sadness, none should be passed off to someone else to deal with.” Tommy hated Puffy’s smile. The fearlessness and the complete truth he felt in trusting her words were something that contradicted everything he knew.
“Some people have their way of expressing themselves that aren’t always okay, but they can always learn from their mistakes. However, a few mistakes should never force someone to stop feeling okay with their emotions. To block them off or feel unsure with what they are experiencing. Regardless of whether you are unsure or not, everyone has a right to express their emotions.”
Tommy really hated her words. How they made him want to unravel all the pain he had experienced in the past couple of years– since he was born. Everything Puffy said made him feel safe, but he knew that safety was never guaranteed. Nothing was for certain, and he knew if he was to start, she’d just leave him. Leave him like everyone else in his life whether she thought so or not. Tommy knew better than to trust after everything.
“Okay,” Tommy mumbled weakly, he didn’t like everything he heard, and he certainly didn’t like his thoughts on the matter. Everything felt so contradicting to him in odd ways that made him feel sick. Down right sick to his stomach; because what if those words were true?
Tommy would have been living a lie for seventeen years and… and that wasn’t something he wanted to admit to himself.
“And that’s okay, Tommy.” She smiled leaning forwards slightly. She was happy the boy understood. She knew little to nothing about some things regarding him. Mainly his history before the Esempi, and his family life. Tommy always regarded that information closely if not completely closed off from it.
He never brought up Phil or Techno unless he was scowling their name or condemning them for their actions. She rarely heard him bring up Wilbur anymore since the man had been revied as well. She had missed Tommy for that while when he was off following his brother again, but he came back, not physically hurt, but downtrodden and hesitant.
Puffy hadn’t hesitated to offer the boy something to take his mind off of what was confusing him.
She smiled at him seeing how he was staring at her, thankful, but also skeptical. She didn’t sigh. She knew the boy wouldn’t immediately open up when she had offered therapy, especially since Dream was now freed. She was happy she had at least convinced the teen to step out of his walled-off home. The terror the boy showed was heartbreaking, but there was also resignation, and she wanted to cry for Tommy.
But she didn’t, she knew full well he would have scowled at her for showing any offer of pity even though pity isn’t always bad as it may seem. It shows you can feel some sort of compassion for someone worse off than you, but it’s the way people express it, that it can become bad.
“Puffy?” She looked up, she hadn’t realized she had trailed off on a thought while smiling at the teen till she blinked seeing Tommy shuffle together twiddling his fingers, looking bashful.
“Oh, I’m sorry Tommy,” She laughed awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to zone off staring at you, I was lost in thought for a moment,” She dismissed, but looking back at Tommy. It seemed that wasn’t what he was trying to get her attention for.
“No Puss-” Tommy grimaced, “No, I was gonna ask you a question, but if ya are zoning off and that shit it can wait till next meeting.” Tommy quickly stood, finding that as an opportunity to try and leave the session.
“Wait no! You're okay Tommy, you can ask your question,” She wanted to throw a hand out to the boy and stop him, but she knew that would just send him spiraling at the movement. She had to let him stop on his own, to allow himself to express himself without crossing a boundary, whether that was him, or her.
Tommy paused at the door, his hand reaching out to the doorknob. At her words he paused grumbling to himself as he chided himself for even saying anything. He closed his eyes, sighing before pulling his shoulder’s back a bit tighter at the thought.
“I-I wanted to ask you about Dream?” Tommy didn’t turn around. He didn’t want to see the hurt, shame, and especially not the anger he knew would be on her face. He didn’t want to be the target of another screaming match–
“What did you want to know?” Puffy interrupted his thoughts, making him quickly glance back at the sheep-hybrid. She still sat cross legged in her old chair with a sad look in her eyes, but no malice for even mentioning her son. She did however look pensive over the question. Her back having straightened and her smile– not forced, but clearly pressed together from not so good thoughts.
Tommy swallowed, his tongue suddenly felt very thick in his mouth as he opened to ask the question he desperately wanted to know.
“Do you still love him?” Puffy saw a desperateness in Tommy's eyes, as if her answer revolved around more than just the disgusting relationship Tommy and Dream had. Like it would impact more of his world.
In all honesty, Puffy had not expected to be asked that question. Especially from Tommy considering said man was currently hunting him. Puffy looked away for a moment at the table that sat in front of her. She had made tea for the both of them but neither of them had drunk from.
Tommy stood by the door, fingers clawing through his sweater as he was seeing her slow movements. He bit at his lip and tasted the metal taste as he regretted ever speaking in the first place. The silence was deafening to him, but it was Puffy’s sincere smile that made him able to breathe again.
“Of course, I love and miss him dearly.” She answered, her words pained her, but they were the truth. She didn’t think she could ever hate her children. There actions yes, but never them. “I miss the old Dream I raised, but he made his own choices,” Tommy flinched at that, “however horrible they may be.”
“You can still love someone who’s done bad things, and even someone who’s hurt you. It’s your choice whether or not to forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop loving them.” She looked up to Tommy. She could see the beginning of tears, but they never fell. He shuffled around the room till he settled back onto the couch that he had just sat at.
Puffy could feel her chest tightening as she spoke, knowing she still loved her son; while also speaking to the boy she cared for that was hurt by her son. That irony did not go unnoticed by her.
Perhaps not by Tommy either, but the latter always looked up to Puffy who only offered kind words and praise. She was like the mother he never got to have and Puffy felt that was true when he stuck around. He spoke to her almost daily and would trail after her. He wanted that relationship with her just as much she had, his own hesitance was Dream.
She wondered for a moment if Tommy felt she should hate him for having split them apart. Their dynamic as mother and son no longer was repairable the moment she found out the pain he had put Tommy through.
It wasn’t his fault… they’re relationship had been crumbling for a while now when he distanced himself, no longer calling her father. Their downfall was already they’re, so clear in the past few years leading up to everything, and Tommy had been the last that broke the camel's back.
She didn’t blame him one bit, but wondered if that was the reason Tommy was hesitant to call her mom. If his emotions on the subject were what was holding him back.
Puffy hoped one day she could have that conversation with him. She hoped to hear him call her mom and to officially make him one of her sons. Foolish would be glad to have a younger brother, and Tommy seemed to thrive with children. He would get along nicely with Michelle, Foolish Jr., and Finley.
Alas that was but an idea in the back of her head as she directed her attention back to Tommy and the slow ache in her heart for him.
“Um-” Tommy mumbled pulling at a loose thread from his sweater. “I feel the same with Techno and Phil. They did some shitty things, but I can’t bring myself to hate them.” Tommy chuckled pathetically. How stupid of him to believe they could ever be a family. To be friends.
“I was a dumb kid expecting something I could never get and here I am still feeling these stupid emotions as if it isn’t partially my fault!” Tommy laughed, making him cringe at how close he sounded to crying.
“Wanting to be loved, or have a family is not dumb Tommy,” Tommy made a face, but didn’t interject. She could feel the slow ache in her chest beating hard. “And true, it may not have been something they wanted to give, but that doesn’t fault you for wanting. Both parties are to blame for the hurt the other has, but do not call those emotions dumb again.”
“But I was! I should have known better than to think I could ever be considered family! I’m just ‘Tommy the random kid’ Wilbur picked up because Phil was too much of a jackass to realize how lonely his son was that Wil had to go and pick up another kid who was dependent on him just to feel like he had any use!” Tommy threw his hand out, his hand making a fist as he wanted to punch something but he was aware he couldn’t considering this was Puffy's office.
“I was just a play thing till Will finally lost it at the despair that his father didn’t love him like he wanted! Hell, we're the same! I chased after that love just like Wil yet why am I still alive? Why was I able to keep it together while he got himself killed for the love of someone that didn’t even know him!” Tommy's voice broke. Puffy covered his mouth with her hand. The revelation was too strong for her to fully comprehend what Tommy had just yelled.
“He died.” Tommy said firmer. Steeling his voice and body as he spoke. “He got himself killed because he could accept the love of his brother over a stranger,” Tommy growled. “But I’m just the same, aren’t I?” Puffy couldn’t answer from the shock.
She swallowed, reaching over the table to Tommy’s hand. He didn’t push her away as he clung to his hand with desperation.
“I didn’t know Wilbur,” She started, her words slow as she stared ahead at Tommy, squeezing his hand whenever he shook. “Even now, I know Wilbur as a man who clings to others with a sense of love for each one. A powerful connection between people…, and he realized Phil never gave him that. It’s horrible for a parent to care so little for their own child, but it's even worse to not realize the impact that has on their child.”
“Phil is an old man, we got ta’ give him some leeway. Mans’ probably blind as shit,” Tommy laughed not looking at Puffy, but he returned one of her squeezes.
“Ay, old indeed, but regardless Tommy, you're still here because you are strong, you shouldn’t have to be, but you were– you are. You weren’t as dependent on Wilbur as you think you were. You had Tubbo.” She nodded. Tommy didn’t answer this time, his eyes trained on their hands. “You got Ranboo, Sam, even if he’s– different, and you have me.” She smiled the best she could.
“You aren’t alone, you haven’t pushed everyone out of your life, you are still here because you are not alone.” Puffy rubbed Tommy’s hand in between hers. His fingers were cold, but now there wasn’t a time where they wouldn’t be anymore. Tommy was usually adverse to touch, so she was happy she was able to do this much.
“You may not have gotten the love you wanted, but you definitely aren’t unloved.” Tommy looked at her. Her heart broke seeing the tears falling down his red cheeks, the lack of light in his eyes as he stared at her with the most resigned look she had ever seen on the teen.
“Then why am I still upset? After everything that happened, I thought it would go back to normal– after Will was revied. Phil wanted his son back. Techno saw him as a nuisance, but still opened his arms, and Will laughed taking both of them in, forgiving them.”
“Heh, I watched Will even apologize to Techno for using him, but I never got a word said to me, Phil looked at me with a strange look, and Techno ignored me.” Tommy recounted, his heart had hurt when Wilbur opened the door to Phil’s house only to walk straight past him in trying to find Techno.
A knowing look had passed Phil, before looking to where Wilbur had disappeared.
The two stood in a strained silence till Phil offered his home from the cold. Tommy refused, following after Wilbur– he couldn’t stand to look at the older any longer. They were brothers, so why was Wilbur still seeking solace from the two that could never give him the love Tommy had given him.
Was he not enough? What of Fundy and Sally? Did Wilbur ever love either of them? Something tightened around Tommy’s chest as he followed Wilbur’s trail to where Techno was.
Tommy was sure they both knew he was there, he made it no secret, but regardless he listened as Wilbur apologized. Apologized for not telling him about Wilbur’s plan to reinstate a government, and for not clarifying Techno’s role in the war.
Tommy’s hand clenched around his pant’s leg. Gritting his teeth while maintaining a neutral face. Techno already knew all these things. Him, Tubbo, and Quackity had made it so fucking clear. It wasn’t Wilbur who needed to apologize, and it wasn’t Techno. This entire conversation was full of shit. It was useless, but Wilbur wanted Techno’s validation– just like him, a voice whispered– and Techno had a stick too far up his ass to say he wasn’t in the wrong about anything.
So Tommy watched as Techno accepted the apology, giving Wilbur a pat on the shoulders as Wilbur’s eyes lit up. Whatever relationship they thought they had, it was sickening to watch.
Finally, after what felt like forever of Wilbur basking in the half smile Techno gave him, he turned to him. A large smile on his face as he pulled the teen towards the two.
“There, I finally feel better now,” Wilbur threw his arm around Tommy’s shoulders, dragged too incredibly close to the man that had attempted to kill him. “I knew I needed to apologize to you for a long time, I’m sorry ‘bout that Techno,” Wilbur looked away from his younger brother to their estranged Uncle.
Techno gave an eerie look similar to Phil, waiting for the moment, where Will would turn to Tommy, and admit past grievances to the younger. Apologizing for all the shit he had caused up to his death, and thereafter, but Will only smiled dumby to Techno who became consciously unnerved by the silence of the trio.
He had been there to witness it all, unlike Phil. He understood to the barest level of everything Tommy had been through even if he hadn’t cared, and threw him away like dirt. He understood Tommy deserved an apology. If Techno could look at Tommy— who was avoiding looking at him completely— and recognize the fault in their relationship, then why couldn’t Wilbur?
What was stopping his brother from seeing how much he hurt him?
Techno huffed an amused, awkward snort as he stepped away from them towards Phil’s and his house. Techno waved goodbye, not saying anything more, as he mounted Carl before trotting away with what every self-pride he had.
Techno left the two of them alone, both brothers, yet neither understanding of the other. The rest of the day was a blur as Tommy followed after Wilbur, following his steps as he led him back to the rim of the Esempi. Tommy mindlessly found himself repairing the prime path. Each word Wilbur spoke made him dig just a bit faster till he was done.
As Tommy worked he prayed, not aloud, but prayed nonetheless as he desperately wanted the day to end. And his prayers were heard as Wilbur waved him goodnight, a small pep in his step as he walked down the newly fixed prime path. When Wilbur turned his back to him, Tommy let his strained smile drop into a glare as he turned around towards his house. He slammed the door shut when he was inside, regretting it instantly when Shroud cried out from the loud noise.
Tommy picked his way over to Shroud’s room, picking up the small spider-hybrid as he cooed softly. He placed Shroud against his shoulder tilting his head down as he hummed a small song. Thankfully, Shroud went to sleep quickly as Tommy walked about his hut pacing as his mind went back to the day, to the awful day he had.
“I have no reason to be upset anymore with them, I’ve moved on and even have my own family.” He smiled recounting the time he had first picked Shroud up, when he first spoke his first words. A garbled ‘da’da’ made his day as he cuddled his son and spoiled him the entire day.
“Not everything can be healed with time, Tommy. Many things sound easy in practice, but experiencing it is something else.” Puffy spoke. She had watched as Tommy looked away from her, he had such an old look for someone so young.
“So it’s my fault I’m still upset?” Tommy laughed as though it was obvious, “Of course it is, it’s always stupid Tommy’s fault because he’s the youngest so we can blame him for all the shit that happens!” Tommy's voice grew louder as he flung out his hand accepting it.
“No!” Puffy held Tommy’s hand tightly as she pulled it forward to get his attention. To make him look at her. He looked hesitantly down at her.
“Nothing is your fault, Tommy. At least nothing you are blaming yourself for. Of course it is important to take responsibility for your mistakes but you are not the problem here. You were a victim of unlove, just as Wilbur was. Phil and Techno were the victims of miscommunication and deception. Regardless of how much I dislike Techno and Phil, it comes with understanding that they were also wronged. Just like you.” Tommy’s tears had dried, but now he looked like he wanted to push his head into his bed and never come out again. He looked away using one hand to wipe his sweater over his eyes and nose. Puffy smiled.
“Are you okay?”
Tommy huffed and annoyed at the question. He hated that question, but he answered regardless.
“No, but that's fine. I think— I just want to spend time with Shroud.” He answered, his shoulders sagging as he finally let the tension leave his back. He could feel the weight of all the years melt off his shoulders.
“That sounds good, would you like me to walk with you? I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Shroud.” Puffy prompted standing, lifting Tommy up with his hand. Tommy gave her a tired smile as he stood, his hand no longer tangled with his sweater.
“He’s the cutest little thing you’ll ever meet too!” Tommy gave her a playful grin as he tugged her along to the door. “I don’t see how some people can’t see what an angel he is!” Puffy laughed following after, their hands linked together as they walked down the prime path. The other day nothing but a faint memory to Tommy as he laughed and joked with the older woman.
The fear of Dream’s prison break was no longer a thought in the back of his mind, and his shoulder no longer held the tension of a child in the middle of a war or exile. He was just Tommy, and she was just Puffy. Both on their way to meet the cutest child in the world.