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"In all these years, you never believed I loved you. And I did. I did so much. I did love you. I even loved your hate and your hardness."
– Tennessee Williams
Nico paces in a shadowy corner of the ship, concealed from the view of pretty much anyone who isn’t looking too closely. He keeps his footsteps light, just in case anyone is nearby.
Ever since the seven rescued him from that bronze box, and he made that promise to Percy before he and Annabeth fell into Tartarus, the crew has been falling apart. Annabeth was their leader; Percy was their glue. Without them, morale is low and tempers are shorter than ever.
Frequent spats occur on the daily, usually starting between two people and then escalating so everyone is involved. Every time, these disputes end with everyone storming off to their own separate corners of the ship to brood.
Nico usually watches from afar, in the shadows where no one notices him. He knows he isn’t welcome: apart from Hazel, they’re all afraid of him. Despite their efforts to hide it, it’s pretty obvious.
It’s better this way, he tells himself. If they’re afraid of him, they’ll be less eager to approach him, and that way the risk of getting hurt, of losing someone else, is reduced. And fuck knows that Nico has lost more than enough people in his fourteen years of life.
He spends a lot of time wandering the ship with slow, cautious steps, keeping to the dark crevices. For the last week or so, he’s taken the same route: through the hall with the cabins, skipping the mess room and taking the long way round to the stables, ending at the engine room.
He doesn’t mean to repeat the same journey, but he finds that his mind switches off during these walks. A coping mechanism, of sorts - if he allows himself to think too much, he’ll fall apart, and he can’t have that.
Unfortunately, Leo is always in the engine room fixing something or coming up with a new creation while chatting away with Buford. Nico won’t admit it to anyone, but it’s kind of cute, even though he has no idea whether Buford actually understands what Leo is saying, or how the mechanics of their conversations even work.
Each time, Nico usually spends a good twenty minutes leaning outside the door and listening from a safe distance; it’s nice to hear a voice that isn’t his own. On many occasions, he’s even had to stifle a laugh or two.
Nico hasn’t been on this ship for relatively long, but from what he’s observed, and from what his gut tells him, there’s a divide between Leo and the others. He knows that the others would never intentionally exclude Leo, but it’s pretty easy to tell what’s happening here since the other six (temporarily four) members of the seven are coupled up.
It’s not difficult to see how Leo might feel shitty about that. Nico can empathise - he understands what it’s like to be an outsider, even in places that are meant to be home. Especially in places that are meant to be home. And he understands the need to run. Not that he intends to speak to Leo about any of that, or speak to him at all for that matter.
He stops in his pacing and slides down the wall till he’s sitting on the floor. Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes.
Immediately, the pit is there to greet him behind his eyelids. Worse, he sees Percy in there now, Annabeth close behind. Both bleeding and sprawled across the jagged ground.
They’re dying. They’re dying and it’s all his fault.
His eyes burst open. His chest is heaving. He reaches for the skull ring on his thumb, twisting it in a comforting motion, and tries to force himself to breathe. A little while later, his breaths have evened out, but his heart is still racing.
He gets up, deciding to take his daily walk through the ship, if only so he can turn his brain off.
-
Leo whistles a tune as he tightens a bolt in his new contraption. He calls it ‘the chipper’. Because he’s designed it so it’ll pop out potato chips at the snap of his fingers. Yeah… he’s very bored.
Honestly, if it weren’t for Buford, he probably would’ve gone a little mad by now. Oh, and Nico di Angelo sneaking down here everyday and spying on him, as if Leo wasn’t already aware of him the first time he came along.
All in all, Leo appreciates the (sort of) company. He still feels like a seventh wheel with the rest of the crew - although now that Percy and Annabeth are gone, it’s more accurate to say fifth wheel - and even though Nico doesn’t actually talk to him, knowing that someone else is there is, well, reassuring.
It might sound shitty, but knowing that there’s another outlier in the group is kind of comforting.
He hasn’t called him out on it yet, partly out of consideration of the fact that Nico probably wants and needs his own space, but also because he’s waiting for the perfect opportunity.
See, he’s installed a mirror near the door, hidden behind the light switch and angled so he’ll be able to see Nico perfectly from where he’s pressed against the wall in the hallway.
But for now, Leo settles on having wild, outrageous conversations with Buford, just to entertain Nico. If he isn’t mistaken, he’s heard a couple of breathy laughs here and there from the son of Hades.
Leo isn’t sure whether it’s because he likes being a source of entertainment for others, or because he’s really fucking lonely, but he wants to hear more of them.
Besides, it distracts him from the more pressing issues he’s going to have to face, both individually and as a whole with the rest of the seven, when they find Percy and Annabeth. Because they will find them.
Despite what Hazel said about it not being his fault that they fell into Tartarus, Leo can’t help but blame himself for it.
Nemesis had warned him about paying a price, and yes Leo is glad he saved Frank and Hazel and doesn’t think he would do anything differently if had to go back in time with regards to that, but that doesn’t change the fact that he could’ve done something to help Annabeth and Percy.
He could’ve eliminated the threat beforehand; he’s a child of Hephaestus, for crying out loud. If he’d been paying attention, he could’ve seen that the flooring in Aracne’s layer lacked any semblance of structural integrity. He could’ve recognised that and urged everyone to hurry the fuck up.
A familiar headache builds behind his eyes, so bad that it feels like they’re bulging out of his head. He’s had this conversation with himself about a thousand times, and it’s never helped. All he can do now is learn more, make more contraptions, build his skill set.
He has to be better. He has to.
-
Nico’s in his usual position, pressed against the wall beside the open doorway to the engine room. He’s fairly certain that Leo hasn’t noticed his presence since he started coming down here, if only because Leo’s never given any indication of it.
Nico doesn’t know if he’s disappointed by that. He shakes away the thought.
The bantering with Buford combined with the high-pitched cranks of whatever machinery Leo is fixing serve as unexpectedly soothing white noise. Nico’s starting to find it comforting, despite the fact that it hasn’t been long since he’s started doing this.
He lets his guard down, allowing himself to sink back against the wall and angle his body closer to the doorway. His heart slows down a bit, and his mind becomes silent, a rarity which he doesn’t experience often.
He’s so intrigued by the peace he feels that he doesn’t notice the absence of Leo’s chattering and the clanking nosies till it’s too late: out of nowhere, a hand grabs his shoulder and a voice yells, “Boo!” directly into his ear.
Nico yelps, jumping a foot into the air before landing in a crouch, Stygian iron sword in hand before he even realises what he’s doing. He aims blindly, but is stopped as the same hand grabs and twists his wrist firmly, but not enough to actually injure him.
He drops his sword and looks up, panting. Leo stares back at him, a flash of concern painted on his face before it’s quickly replaced with smug amusement. Nico’s eyes search his face; he doesn’t even find a trace of remorse across Leo’s impish features. Asshole.
He rips his hand free from Leo’s grip, not taking care to be gentle, and shoves the other boy. Considering that Nico still hasn’t recovered from the bronze box, the impact of the shove does little more than make Leo’s smile broader.
Nico crosses his arms and gives Leo the glare he’s been perfecting for years, the one which makes grown men quiver in fear. “What the fuck was that for?”
Leo has the nerve to laugh. Startled, Nico monetarily forgets that he’s pissed at him; his laugh is unfortunately rather disarming.
Quirking an eyebrow, Leo asks, “You think I didn’t see you near the doorway? Slinking in the shadows?”
Shock prompts Nico to answer honestly. “No. I didn’t.”
“Well, I did. I noticed you the first time, over a week ago.”
Nico wants to ask why Leo didn’t call him out on it before, but he’s still a bit stunned by the whole affair. And maybe a little afraid of the answer.
With no response, Leo continues. “If you want to spend time with me all you have to do is ask.”
Nico feels heat rise to his cheeks. That’s about as much as he can take. He knows it’s childish, but he turns on his heel and storms off without answering.
Leo yells after him, “Suit yourself!”
***
After much contemplation, Nico returns the next day. He stands outside like usual, and although Leo doesn’t so much as lift his head up from his latest contraption, Nico doesn’t doubt that he’s aware of his presence.
Instead of talking to Buford, Leo is whistling. A soft tune, something which sounds (somehow) familiar.
Fuck it, Nico thinks.
He pushes off from the wall and walks into the engine room. Leo’s whistling cuts off as he looks up to see Nico standing awkwardly a few feet away from him. If he’s surprised by this turn of events, he doesn’t show it.
Instead, he smiles mischievously and picks up where he left off, whistling merrily as he hammers away at a small block of celestial bronze. Nico takes a seat in one of the chairs, which so happens to be beside Buford, fighting off a smile which threatens to overtake his face.
-
For once, Leo works in silence. Nico sits on a chair in his usual spot by Buford, his legs tucked against his chest and arms resting on his knees. They don’t talk very much, but Leo kind of wishes they did.
He’d been very sceptical when he’d first heard about Nico. That didn’t lessen when he properly met him either - in all fairness, the guy has that spooky son of Hades thing totally perfected. Even now, Leo can’t help the shivers that run down his spine when Nico gets a certain broody look in his eye.
He tries to hide it, so hopefully Nico doesn’t know, but Leo’s never been very good at hiding his emotions. It comes with the territory of being the class clown: at some point, being loud and obnoxious becomes a habit, an automatic response. And so, his face and reactions tend to be very expressive, even when he doesn’t mean for them to be.
They’ve been sitting in silence for what feels like hours, but when Leo checks the clock on the wall, he sees that it’s only been fifteen minutes. Unfortunately, even the spare parts that he’s chosen to fiddle with today aren’t ones that make much noise; he’s going to explode if something doesn’t start making noise very soon.
Since Nico looks perfectly comfortable with the current situation, Leo takes it upon himself to bring about that noise. He pulls a spanner out of his tool belt and, while continuing to use his other hand to fiddle with the spare parts, taps out a rhythm in Morse code on the wooden floorboard beside him.
The noise and the ability to release more of his restless energy soothes him; the tension slowly eases out his shoulders, and he opts out of his cross-legged position on the floor in favour of lying on his stomach, legs spread out behind him.
“Does the rhythm mean anything?”
Leo drops the spanner and looks up, startled. The shadow of a frown plays about Nico’s lips, but other than that his face remains blank. His voice is also a little croaky, but Leo chalks that up to disuse. “Rhythm?”
Nico points to the spanner. “The one you were tapping out with that. Is it a song?”
Leo looks down at the spanner, and a whirlwind of memories flashes through his mind: evenings spent in his mother’s workshop, learning Morse code like a second language, to the point where they didn’t even need to talk - just tap out a rhythm to express themselves and know without a shadow of a doubt that they’d be heard, understood.
His eyes flicker back to Nico, who shifts uncomfortably. Maybe he’s worried that he’s overstepped. Leo doesn’t want to share something as precious as the memory of his mother, but then again Nico put himself out there by asking about it.
Leo still isn’t sure how he feels about Nico, but he doesn’t want to scare the guy off; after spending a few days with Nico in the engine room, he’s starting to suspect that this scary, mean guy routine is just a defence mechanism.
Besides, Leo doesn’t have to tell him everything, just give him a plausible answer. He dons his trademark, impish grin - one of his defence mechanisms - and answers, “Not a song, but good guess. It’s Morse code.”
Nico holds eye contact for a few moments before looking away, giving a shallow nod in response. Leo relaxes again, feeling inexplicably lighter with that tiny confession, and reaches for the spanner to start the rhythm back up again.
-
Over the course of a few days, Nico’s fallen into another routine. One which isn’t that different to his previous routine, and yet feels like it is. It remains mainly the same - the walk through the ship - but now, there’s a crucial difference towards the end of it: Leo.
Today, like usual, Nico slinks into the engine room at the end of his walk and takes his seat by Buford, whom Leo is happily bantering with. Not having to look up, Leo senses Nico’s presence and ceases his chattering, allowing them both to sit in silence for a few minutes. Then he starts up his tapping in Morse code.
Although he tries to tell himself that he doesn’t care and that it doesn’t matter anyway, Nico’s been trying to figure out what Leo’s saying in those repeated motions, but he just can’t. It’s mesmerising and frustrating all at once.
Before he knows what he’s doing, he blurts, “Teach me.”
His eyes widen comically and Leo stops fiddling with his project, which means he also stops tapping, to look up at him. He looks equally as shocked as Nico feels. “What?”
They sit in taut silence for what feels like years before Nico decides that there’s no going back now. To his displeasure, his voice is quiet when he talks. “Teach me Morse code?”
Leo looks away and sits back, a spanner in his hands, his fingers tightening and loosening around it, betraying his anxiety. He’s clearly conflicted, and Nico immediately regrets asking. He’s about to call the whole thing off when Leo swallows and, looking back up at him, plasters a huge smile on his face, one which Nico can easily see through, and says, “Sure, man. Why not?”
-
Leo fiddles anxiously with some spare parts, sitting cross-legged on the floor. Nico sits similarly off to the side in a chair. They’re nearing Epirus, and for once Leo isn’t tapping away in Morse code with his spanner. He’s also not getting anywhere with these parts: he keeps assembling, taking apart, and reassembling them, never able to find the right combination.
He knows why he’s so anxious; Epirus is the moment of truth, where they find out whether they can actually save Percy and Annabeth, whether the doors of death will finally be closed. It’s a tipping point in their quest, and the thought of that makes Leo feel ready to tip out his insides.
The silence is broken by a sudden rhythm of tapping, startling Leo into dropping the spare parts. Mind racing wildly, he looks to where the sounds are coming from and his body relaxes marginally when he realises it’s Nico.
Then it hits him that the tapping isn’t senseless - Nico is tapping the same rhythm that Leo tapped nonstop for days when Nico first started coming by the engine room. He isn’t trying to explicitly tell him anything, but he’s trying to soothe him in the best way he knows how.
Somehow, it works. After a while, Leo’s heart begins to slow down as much as it can while knowing about what is to come. He takes a deep breath, and starts to also tap, prompting Nico to stop and listen. Leo can see the gears working behind Nico’s eyes as he taps out ‘thank you’ in Morse code.
Leo was hesitant about the idea of teaching it to Nico at first, mainly because he hasn’t used it with another person since his mother, but also because it signifies a time in his life when he was truly happy. Morse code had been taught to him by his mother, and since then it became a special thing between the two of them, one which Leo previously had been unwilling to share. Until now, apparently.
When Nico had asked, Leo felt his usual defences kicking into place, screaming at him to say no, but then a sudden realisation dawned on him, one which he should’ve accepted before but couldn’t because he was unable, and unwilling, to let go of the past: his mother is dead. She isn’t coming back, and all Leo can do now is preserve her memory and share what made her beautiful with others.
He hasn’t told Nico this, but he doesn’t have to. The time will come, if it’s meant to. If and when he’s ready.
On top of this, teaching Nico has been a surprisingly pleasant experience: he’s a fast learner, and has picked up Morse code at an impressive rate. But, as with anything, it’ll take some time and practice to get used to.
Still, Nico is able to keep up and translate what Leo’s tapping out right now. Mulling the two simple words over in his brain, a look crosses Nico’s face, one which Leo finds is more unfamiliar to him than it is strange, and he looks away before giving Leo a small nod.
Wanting to talk some more, but afraid of pushing Nico’s boundaries, Leo stares down at his lap where the spare parts have fallen, and picks them up again.
Six months later
It’s only been ten minutes since Leo came back from the dead, so to speak. Nico watches from a distance as most campers line up and take it in turns to punch him as payback for making them believe he was dead all this time.
All throughout, Leo whinges about how unfair this whole set up is, but Nico thinks otherwise. He’s watched for the past six months as both camps, but especially Jason, Piper and the rest of the seven, mourned Leo while he was busy rescuing some girl he barely knew.
Their grief - their pain - had been real, and that simply isn’t fair.
It’s this thought and the burning irritation behind it that brings Nico to the back of the queue, deciding to take part in the so-called festivities after all.
Nico knows firsthand how wretchedly painful it is to mourn someone. He’s been in mourning several times in his life - for his mother, Maria di Angelo, and his sister Bianca, mostly, but also for others who died during the second Titan War.
In some ways, Nico is still grieving even now. He knows that this grief will always be a part of his life, a fact that he’s had to learn the hard way. Even years after, he’s still figuring out how to cope with it.
Seeing Leo’s outwardly lighthearted manner regarding his time away, Nico flexes his fingers. The line gets shorter and shorter, bringing him closer to the boy in question.
When the person in front of him goes ahead and gets their punch over with, Nico is finally face to face with Leo. Some of the campers have dispersed; others form a semi-circle around the two boys, cheering Nico on.
There’s something about Leo’s impish face that’s just so punchable, yet Nico’s bitterness melts away at the resigned smile that Leo flashes him. He opens his arms and puffs out his chest, ready to take the onslaught of hurt that Nico is surely about to deliver.
Nico steps forward but instead of punching him, he wraps his arms around Leo’s torso. The embrace is stiff and one-sided at first, but then Leo lowers his outstretched arms and wraps them around Nico, returning the hug with enthusiasm.
The tension slowly seeps out of Nico’s shoulders and his body sags against Leo’s, relaxing temporarily. They pull back. Nico narrows his eyes and pokes Leo in the chest, hard. “Next time you go missing for months without a word, you’d better actually be dead.”
Leo’s hands cover the spot on his chest where Nico poked him. He feigns a look of hurt and betrayal. “You wound me, di Angelo. As if anyone could bear to see a face as pretty as this” - he points to his own face with both thumbs - “in the ground, rotting away.”
Nico rolls his eyes and snorts, “Yeah, well. Just don’t get yourself killed, Valdez.”
Leo smirks. “I appreciate it, man.”
-
Leo joins the Hephaestus table for lunch later that day. Harley reaches over and wraps his scrawny arms around Leo’s neck in a greeting hug while Nyssa ruffles her fingers through his hair.
“Okay, okay. I get it, you all want a piece of me. But please, let a guy breathe.” His words only encourage more of his siblings to pile up on him, as expected. He takes comfort in their care and reciprocates their energy.
Finally, they all take their seats, Leo included, and that’s when he catches sight of Will Solace planting a kiss on Nico’s cheek before taking a seat at the Apollo table. Leo’s aware that he’s staring, but he can’t seem to tear his eyes away; Nico chooses that moment to look away from Will, and catches Leo’s eye instead. They both blush, and look away.
Ignoring the blush on his own cheeks, Leo frowns. Since when were they a thing? He’s startled out of his thoughts as Calypso sits down next to him, giving him a small, tight smile.
Right. He has Calypso. He shouldn’t care who Nico dates. They’re friends, and that’s why Leo is affected by this: he just cares about his friend. No other reason.
He takes a bite out of his toast. A sinking feeling fills his stomach as he drags it around inside his mouth like a chunk of dry cardboard.
-
After lunch, Nico takes a walk with Leo around the camp. They walk in silence.
When Leo questioned it earlier, Nico had shrugged it off, using the excuse that he thought it would be courteous to help Leo reacquaint himself with camp after being away for so long.
Leo had smiled, a knowing twinkle in his eye which Nico had chosen to ignore.
As they approach the strawberry fields, Leo drops down against a tree. Nico joins him, leaving a sizeable gap between them. They sit like that for a while, the silence weirdly strained though it shouldn’t be. Then Leo takes it upon himself to initiate conversation. “So… Will, huh?”
He sounds awkward, Nico notes, an unusual occurrence for Leo Valdez. Usually, he takes it upon himself to be as grand and goofy as possible, and refuses to be embarrassed about it. Somehow, Nico shares his awkwardness; this topic inspires an inexplicable itch at the back of his neck. “Yeah… you and Calypso too?”
Leo nods, but says nothing else. Not knowing what to do, Nico taps a rhythm on his knee. Leo follows the movement, smiling as he translates Nico’s message in his head: ‘I missed you’. Leo places his hand on his own knee, mirroring Nico, and taps out ‘missed you too.’
One month later
“Jason is dead.” Leo repeats, though it comes out as more of a question than a statement.
His reflection in the narrow mirror across the room stares back at him; his face is etched with disbelief. His eyes snap away from the mirror and flicker over every single person in the room, searching for the joke. Because this has to be a joke, right?
The camp counsellors are assembled in the rec room of the Big House, all of them unable to meet Leo’s eyes except for Nico. It hurts him to see his own pain reflected in Nico’s eyes, but nevertheless, Leo holds his gaze in place, daring Nico to look away. He doesn’t.
“It’s true,” Nico whispers, voice barely loud enough to be heard even in the silence of the room.
Every emotion Leo has been pushing away, every reaction to the Iris Message he’d suddenly woken up to two days ago from Nyssa - who’d told him that he had to come back to camp as soon as possible; that it’s urgent - comes flooding back all at once. One of his best friends in the entire world is dead, and he didn’t even get to say goodbye.
His eyes sting and before he can stop it, tears overflow from them, rolling down his face in hot trails. There’s no use in wiping them away; they just keep coming. Without looking at anyone, he leaves the room in silence.
-
Leo stays at camp for close to two weeks, the first few days of which he barely leaves his cabin. For the first week, everyone lets him off easy, making sure to give him his space while also checking up on him from time to time.
After that, Nyssa drags Leo out by the ear and forces him to have breakfast with everyone else. “We get that you’re upset and grieving,” she says, pulling him along, “but we all are. Locking yourself away won’t help.”
Nico feels more than a little called out by that, although it isn’t directed at him, and has to admit that Nyssa is right. Spending the better part of a year at camp has shown Nico that he doesn’t need to be alone, that it’s okay to keep others around. It’s taken him a long time to get here, but the journey has been well worth it.
But now, with Jason’s death, it feels like all the work he’s done has just… unraveled. When the news arrived at camp, Nico had felt just like when his mother had died, when Bianca had died: like a scared, lonely little boy.
He’s grown since then, made a lot of mistakes and learnt some things along the way, but he can’t help but feel like somewhere inside him, he’s still that boy. The pain never gets any easier, that’s for sure.
Across the Dining Pavilion, Leo catches his eye. Neither of them smile, but there’s an understanding in the way that they watch each other. Nico feels raw, being seen like this. He doesn’t like it… and yet, he does.
He looks over at Will, sitting at the Apollo table, and then glances back to Leo. He hasn’t seen his friend in a month, and after losing Jason - after losing everyone he’s ever lost - Nico is more aware than ever of how important it is to hold those you love close to you.
Maybe he’ll pay Leo a visit after lunch. Could be nice.
-
Sitting with their backs against the tree near the strawberry fields, which Leo has started to think of as their tree - his and Nico’s - Nico brings up the subject which Leo has been dreading. “Where’s Calypso?”
“We… broke up.” He speaks slowly, enunciating each word carefully, as if afraid that they’ll explode.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. We… it wasn’t a fit.” Nico doesn’t respond. The tension in the air is so thick Leo wants to suffocate himself with it. Then Nico says the most random thing that all the tension just vanishes. “I had a crush on Percy.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.” Nico laughs, a sound so rare it shocks Leo, but in a good way. Even after the sound fades, a small smile plays about Nico’s lips. “Jason was actually the first person to know about that, other than me.”
Leo raises his eyebrows, a little pang of jealousy making itself known in his chest. Although, he isn’t sure who he’s jealous of. Nico thankfully interrupts his thoughts. “Okay, your turn.”
Leo raises an eyebrow. “What exactly do you think this is? Truth or dare?”
Nico’s eyes flash with an almost wicked glimmer. He shrugs. “If you want, but I’d pick truth if I were you. I can be very creative when it comes to dares.”
“Touché,” Leo purses his lips, taking a minute to think before settling on something he’s wanted to share for a while. “My mom was the one who taught me Morse code.”
A beat, and then, “What happened to her?” Nico’s voice is coaxing, as if he doesn’t want to scare Leo off.
“She died when I was pretty young. It was Gaia’s doing. After that, none of my extended family wanted me, so I bounced from foster home to foster home. And now I’m here.”
Silence follows as Nico processes that. He surprises Leo with his response. “My mom died when I was pretty young too. But I had my sister, Bianca, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. And then… she left too. And now, Jason.”
Leo wants desperately to reach out and grab Nico’s hand, but he doesn’t. Instead, he taps out, ‘I’m here’.
A few weeks later
“Hey? Hey, Nico? Nico?”
Nico blinks, craning his head to look up at Will walking beside him along the path to the Dining Pavilion. He’s been too lost in his head to pay attention to what Will was saying. Embarrassed, he replies, “Yes. Sorry. I…”
“You were distracted?” Will finishes for him.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, again. What were you saying before?”
Will reaches out and stops Nico with a gentle hand on his arm. They’re near the lava wall, and Will redirects them towards a bench on the side of the path. Nico follows, slightly confused but sensing that a serious conversation is about to follow.
Will waits for Nico to sit down first, then he does so himself, putting a bit of space between them - not a lot, but enough that Nico is slightly alarmed. Concerned, he asks, “Are you okay?”
Pursing his lips, Will ruffles a hand through his blonde hair. “Are you?”
Nico falters, a lie ready on his tongue, but at the look on Will’s face, he resigns himself to telling the truth. “No, not really. I’m… not as bad as I’ve been before, but it’s… difficult.”
Will nods. “I might be totally wrong about this, but I’ve been getting the feeling recently that… you’re not really… into this.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not really into us ,” he amends.
“Oh.” Nico isn’t sure what to say to that.
Will watches him carefully. “Am I wrong?”
Nico looks away, thinking about it even though he already knows the answer. He genuinely enjoys Will’s presence and has come to love him, but… not in the way one should love their boyfriend. He’s kind of relieved that Will’s decided to bring it up, because if it were up to Nico, he’s not sure how long it would’ve taken him to do that. It’s not like he’s unhappy with Will, exactly, it’s just that it doesn’t feel right.
Will seems to understand that and feel the same, judging by the look on his face. Nico’s guilt starts to melt away slightly at that. “No, you’re not wrong.”
Will nods. “We can still be friends, though. Right?”
Nico reaches a hand out and threads his fingers with Will’s, setting their interlaced hands between them on the bench. “Of course.”
Smiling, Will shuffles closer and knocks his shoulder gently against Nico’s. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
Nico smiles back. “Yeah,” he says, although he isn’t sure if it’s true. As much as he loves Will - and he knows Will loves him back - he’s not sure that he’ll understand. Looking at Will, bright and beautiful as the sun, that’s probably a good thing too.
“Good.” Will stands and pulls Nico up. “We’re going to be late for dinner.”
3 months later
1st July
Leo dismounts Festus and strokes a hand under his chin. “I’ll be ready to leave in a few hours, buddy. Meet me here at nightfall?”
Festus makes a creaking sound which Leo translates to mean: Okay, but remember my tabasco sauce.
He snorts a laugh. “Sure, you got it.”
With that, Festus nuzzles Leo’s hand once more and then takes off. Leo watches him until he’s a faded blur on the horizon, and then makes his way to the Caldecott Tunnel. Instead of going in, he turns, walks some more and, as expected, finds two teenagers dressed in armour and wielding weapons standing in front of the door leading to a service tunnel, widely known to demigods as the entrance to Camp Jupiter.
He greets the legionnaires posted by the doors, who let him in, and walks through the darkness of the tunnel. He’s never actually used this entrance to get into Camp Jupiter before; the last and only time he was here, he’d flown in with Annabeth, Piper and Jason on the Argo II to retrieve Percy. And then, as additions to their mission, Hazel and Frank too.
That particular memory inspires in Leo equal surges of nostalgia and grief. Leo squints as the light at the end of the tunnel becomes larger, then finally steps out to see the brightness of daylight illuminating the large valley below. It’s at least twice the size of Camp Half-Blood, but Leo finds that he doesn’t mind how petite the Greek camp is by comparison - it makes it feel more homely, in his opinion.
His shoulders sag thinking about how far he has to walk. Taking a deep breath, he straightens them again. Today… is going to be really fucking difficult. But, he’s ready to fake it till he makes it.
-
Nico is standing at the edge of the forum with five of the seven (now six), as they watch Leo approach. He’s the last to arrive: Piper arrived ten minutes ago, having been picked up by Jason’s old storm spirit horse, Tempest; Annabeth and Percy arrived via Blackjack and another pegasus a short while before her; Nico shadow travelled from Camp Half-Blood an hour ago; and Hazel and Frank had already been here, because, well, they live here.
Not to mention that both were recently promoted to the rank of praetor, something which Nico made sure to firmly but quietly congratulate them for when he found out a few days ago, in spite of the dire occasion that they are all gathered here for today.
By the time Nico looks up again, Leo has reached the group. They all form a small huddle and, moving away from his spot by one of the pillars, Nico steps into the final space, completing the circle.
Aside from simple greetings, none of them have properly spoken to each other yet, because there’s no need to. They’ve all been aware of the plan since a month ago, when they made the decision to congregate in Camp Jupiter and visit Jason’s grave on his birthday, which is today.
Evidently, no one really knows what to say, so instead of talking, Frank and Hazel turn and lead the way. Everyone files in behind them, following.
-
Jason’s grave is grand, yet somehow understated, which almost makes Leo smile - that combination would’ve suited Jason so much.
Located one hill over from Temple Hill, the grassy, secluded location gives off an air of peace. The actual grave itself is made of smooth stone etched with the basic details of his life: his name, large and capitalised, the date of his birth and death, as well as a list of his achievements. The final things in the basic details category are the names of his father and mother. Jupiter and Beryl Grace.
Leo never met Jason’s mother, and Jason himself didn’t seem to remember much of her when he’d been alive, but he’s sure of one thing: Jupiter’s name written on his best friend’s grave filled him with rage. What right does he have to be listed there? On something as sacred as the grave of one of the best people Leo has ever known?
Leo tries to shake his anger off. When it doesn’t work, he directs his attention to deciphering the rest of the engravings, made difficult by his dyslexia. He makes out four words underneath the dates of Jason’s birth and death: ‘brother, friend, praetor, hero’.
Below that, a sentence in Latin: “semper desiderari, memoria de valens vivat tamque vestri”. Missed forever, your memory lives on.
Well, they got that right. Leo feels a tear trickle down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away, but not before Nico catches sight of it. Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything, just steps a little closer to Leo.
Piper is the first of them to get closer to his grave; she lays a bouquet of flowers she bought beforehand at the foot of it, and whispers something none of them can hear. Then Percy and Annabeth pay their respects. Frank and Hazel. All of them come back crying.
Finally, it’s time for either Nico or Leo to go up. Nico shifts on his feet before hesitantly turning to Leo, and in that moment Leo sees the fear in his eyes. It’s closely threaded with pain, so much that Leo wants to wrap Nico up in his arms and shelter him from the world. But he can’t do that; Nico is well aware of how cruel life can be, and Leo would he helping no one by trying to pretend otherwise.
Instead, he keeps eye contact with Nico and takes one step forward. He waits, and Nico takes the hint that Leo wants him to come with him, for them to do this together. Their friends are standing behind them, turning their backs to give them their privacy, and Leo kind of wishes he was alone to do this. Or… alone with Nico.
Better than nothing, he and Nico make the short walk to Jason’s grave, both silent. They stand shoulder to shoulder before it, then Leo crouches on the ground and places a hand on the smooth grey stone. Nico remains standing. One of his hands grasps Leo’s shoulder so tightly that he looks up to see Nico’s eyes fixed on Jason’s headstone, tears leaking rapidly from his eyes.
The hand clasping Leo’s shoulder begins to shake, and Nico grips Leo that much tighter, for support. Leo lets him, glad to be a source of comfort for him.
After a while, Nico’s grip loosens and Leo gets up. They make their way back to the tear-stricken group assembled a few metres away, Nico now matching them. When the two of them join the others, Leo is violently aware that he is the only one who hasn’t cried today.
If the others notice, they don’t comment on it. They stand in silence, not needing words to understand each other’s grief. Eventually, someone suggests that they all get something to eat, maybe hang out. This is the first time they’ve all been together in close to a year. Someone else - maybe Hazel; Leo isn’t paying attention - says that they should start doing a monthly hang out here in New Rome. Game night. Sounds like fun, right?
The group starts to slowly move away from Jason’s grave, coming to an unspoken agreement to leave, but Leo isn’t ready yet. He raises his voice a little to reach them. “You guys go ahead, I’m gonna stay here for a while!”
“Me too!” Nico calls from beside him.
“Okay,” Piper calls back, her face softening with thinly-veiled compassion, which is clear to Leo even with the relatively large physical distance between them. “When you’re ready, we’ll be in the mess hall. Come find us. Both of you, yeah?”
Nico nods while Leo salutes and yells, “Your wish is my command, beauty queen!”
Piper rolls her eyes, a smile threatening to crack through her annoyed facade, then jogs to catch up with the rest of the group. Leo flicks his eyes over to Nico. Tears streak his face, which is puffy and red, and though it hurts Leo to see Nico like this, he’s glad that Nico’s here with him.
Without speaking, they both turn around and walk towards Jason’s grave once again, this time with just the two of them present. As they stand shoulder to shoulder, it takes Leo a minute to recognise the emotion that’s flaring inside him, next to the grief. Then he realises what it is - relief.
-
Nico sits cross-legged with his back against Jason’s headstone, Leo beside him. It’s been an hour or so since the others left. If they know what’s good for them, he and Leo will also be leaving soon, mainly because Piper can be very scary when you aren’t true to your word.
Before that, he wants to catch up with Leo while they’re still alone. He decides to get right into it. “Will and I broke up.”
Leo’s head snaps towards him, alarmed. His brow furrows. “Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. It was a few months ago, and it was for the best. We work better as friends. I know a lot of people say that, but in this case, it’s true.”
Leo gives him a lopsided smile. “That’s good then?”
“Yeah.”
After that, it’s silent again, but Nico is so sick of silence. Out of pure impulse, he says the next thing that comes to his mind, something which he’s been wanting to tell someone. Just so somebody knows, other than him. “I considered bringing him back from the dead,” Nico confesses, stealing a quick glance at Leo. The other boy has gone dead still and he’s staring with such intensity that Nico swallows. He looks away before continuing, “I brought Hazel back, so I figured - how hard could it be? But the more I thought about it, I realised that that’s not what Jason would want. He made a choice, and bringing him back wouldn’t be honouring his sacrifice, as much as it pains me to say that.”
Leo looks close to tears, but he nods his head all the same. Nico softens his voice even further when he adds, “Besides, I have a feeling that Jason is somewhere better now.”
Leo blinks back his tears and looks away. He takes a deep, calming breath and closes his eyes. “You saying that in a sappy ‘I just have a feeling’ way, or in an ‘I’m the big bad son of Hades’ way?”
Nico lifts a brow, amused. “The second one.”
“I’m glad.” Leo nearly whispers.
Nico rests his head back against the headstone. “He would’ve been seventeen today.”
Leo hums in agreement. “Have you been to see him before today?”
“No. You?”
A hint of shame creeps into Leo’s voice when he replies, “No.”
Nico lays a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Hey, we just weren’t ready, and that’s okay. We’re here now.“
Leo releases a shaky sigh and stands up. Nico does the same, wrapping his arms around himself. Meanwhile, Leo paces, venting as he goes. “I’ve just been so… angry. I- I directed my anger at Jason. For dying on me and for leaving me. But then I realised that it wasn’t him; I was actually angry at myself. For not being there when he died, and for not being able to stop it, which I know you’re going to say is ridiculous. I couldn’t have stopped it and I know that. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering.”
Nico understands and connects deeply with everything Leo’s saying. It’s how he felt when Bianca died, when he misdirected his rage at Percy. And then, when he found out that Bianca didn’t want to come back, he was angry at her - so angry - for what he saw as her abandoning him.
Still, that didn’t stop him from physically going to the underworld to try and get her back. He’ll never forget the sinking sensation and emptiness he felt when he found out she’d chosen to be reborn into a new life, one where she wouldn’t remember him.
The point is, he spent a long time being angry. It kept him going, but it also severely drained him. He doesn’t have it in him to do that anymore.
Now, with his mother, Bianca and Jason all dead, all he feels is white, hot pain, unshakable sadness and an unmooring sense of emptiness.
Sifting through his thoughts, Nico doesn’t say anything for a while. He looks up to see Leo staring into the distance. He can practically see Leo’s racing mind, his heated emotions, and knows that Leo needs some time to get ahold of himself. When Nico finally responds, the sun is starting to sink. “Jason wouldn’t hold your anger against you. Even if it was still directed at him.”
Leo’s shoulders slump, and he laughs, a choked and ragged sound. “No, he was too noble for his own good.”
Nico’s eyes fill with tears. Leo looks over at him, and Nico sniffles quietly. “He really was. The big idiot.”
Leo smirks, an insincere thing fringed by sadness. “You’re not meant to speak ill of the dead, di Angelo.”
Nico scoffs, wheezing slightly as he does so. “If Jason were here, he’d agree with me.”
Leo doesn’t respond for so long that Nico starts to get worried, but when he looks at him, he sees that Leo’s crying. The first time he’s done that all day. He doesn’t wipe the tears away either, just lets them fall. Leo smiles, and it’s still sad, but this time it’s more sincere. “Yeah, he would. Complete doofus.”
Then Leo tries for a laugh. Instead of conveying amusement, it sounds more like he’s choking. Nico looks away, wanting to give him some modicum of privacy. To his surprise, Leo steps closer to him and reaches for his hand, slowly, so that Nico can pull away if he’s uncomfortable.
He doesn’t pull away though: when Leo makes contact, Nico stiffens slightly, but then relaxes and holds on tightly. Leo’s hand, bony, calloused and sturdy, is a solid weight in Nico’s own.
It’s comforting, and Nico wants more. Without hesitation, he closes the space between them and wraps his arms around Leo in a hug. This time, it’s Leo who’s surprised; Nico can feel it in the rigid set of his shoulders.
He recovers quickly though. Relaxing against Nico, he hugs him back just as fiercely. “I’m glad you’re here with me,” he whispers.
Still locked in an embrace, Nico rests his head against Leo’s shoulder. “I’m glad I’m here with you, too.”
3 years later
When he reaches the crest of Half-Blood Hill, Leo pauses. He tells himself it’s to enjoy the view before he goes down and greets his friends, but his fidgeting fingers betray his anxiety. His eyes scan the valley below, and he somehow knows exactly who the smudge sitting by the strawberry fields is.
For the last few years, he’s seen Nico every now and then - at game nights with the seven in New Rome, where either Percy or Hazel had dragged Nico along, or at Camp Half-Blood when Leo came to visit. Every time, something strange would come over Leo, as if his heart was crawling up his throat, and he felt like throwing up.
It was only two years ago that Leo realised what was happening. And then it took a year for him to come to terms with those feelings, and yet he still hasn’t been able to tell Nico. Whenever they part, it’s always with words unsaid. And Leo’s starting to suspect it’s on both sides.
If he’s wrong, he’s going to throw himself off a cliff, but on the off chance that he’s right… well, it would be nice to have somebody for himself. Especially someone as great as Nico.
At nineteen, Leo’s been through a decent amount of therapy since Jason’s death. He still sees his therapist, a woman called Nina, and she’s helped him untangle the web of emotions that he used to associate with relationships.
He no longer feels the need to be in one for the sake of not being alone. That was one of the reasons why it didn’t work out with Calypso: his desire to be with someone had overshadowed his concern for whether he actually had feelings for her, which he didn’t.
He’s still learning to enjoy his own company, but he’s much better off than he was before. As Nina would tell him, “it’s a process”.
Taking a deep breath, Leo shakes out his hands and makes his way down the hill, deciding to take the long way to the strawberry fields so he can collect his thoughts and courage along the way.
-
Nico doesn’t even have to turn around; he would recognise those footsteps anywhere. Light and quick but just clumsy enough to belong only to one particular person. “Hey,” he says.
Leo sits next to him. The strawberry fields stretching ahead of them, wild and free. “Hey.”
Nico detects a hint of nervousness in Leo’s voice, but he doesn’t point it out. He’s feeling a bit nervous himself, and it’s comforting to know that he isn’t alone in that. One glance at Leo tells him that the curly-haired boy has something on his mind. Nico’s learnt at this point that waiting for Leo to spit it out won’t do anything - Leo will just continue to fret and worry over whatever’s bothering him - so he knocks his shoulder against his and asks, “What’s on your mind?”
Leo squirms, his eyes widening frantically and to a concerning degree. His mouth opens and closes like a fish, then he presses his lips together and closes his eyes. Nico turns his head to stare at the strawberries, deciding to let Leo take his time after all. But apparently Leo doesn’t want to do that, because the next thing Nico knows, Leo blurts, “What are your thoughts on dating?”
Nico freezes. He’s not sure if Leo’s trying to hint at something, but if he is… “I don’t know. I haven’t been in a relationship with anyone since Will.”
“But… what if you were to now?”
“Is that an invitation, Valdez?”
He’s teasing him, yes, but why is his heart pounding like that? Leo’s probably just talking hypothetically, right? About someone else? Probably asking for advice…
“Yes.”
…or not.
The air rushes out of Nico’s lungs. The only thing he manages to say is, “Oh.”
“Oh?” Leo repeats, looking instantly crestfallen.
That kicks some sense into Nico. He rushes to say, “Oh as in, I’m surprised you actually came out and asked me… and I wouldn’t say no.”
A small smile quirks the corner of Leo’s lips. “You wouldn’t say no?”
Nico blushes, turns away. “No.”
“So, you’d say yes, then?”
“Yeah I would.”
Leo doesn’t respond. Nico turns to see Leo wearing a beaming smile. Without preamble, Leo scoots closer and wraps his arms around Nico in an obnoxiously affectionate hug. Nico whines about being smothered, but it doesn’t get past either of them that he returns the hug anyway.
-
Their relationship starts off like any other - ridiculously hopeful and fast, but unlike those usual relationships, they skip the honeymoon phase and have bumps quite early on.
It’s nothing to be worried about - Nico’s teasing and Leo’s obnoxiousness make it natural for them to bicker, and it seems no one is able to set them off more than each other.
Leo likes this about Nico: that underneath the indifferent, quiet veneer that he dons in front of most people, he’s passionate and snarky. It was one of the more superficial things which Leo picked out in Nico years ago and related to, among other things. Though Leo could never be described as quiet and indifferent himself.
Leo introduces Nico to Taco Tuesdays, and Nico in turn shares his love of cake and ice cream with him. Leo’s delight at discovering Nico’s sweet tooth inspires in him a deeper sense of kinship, one which he has no qualms loudly sharing with Nico in the middle of the restaurant so that several people turn to give them dirty looks. Nico has no qualms smacking him against the chest in return, which Leo supposes is fair.
After a late night rehashing childhood nostalgias, Leo encourages Nico to reacquaint himself with Mythomagic, a game which Leo now knows was a large part of Nico’s young childhood. A few days later, when out on a walk with Nico, Leo catches sight of a single figurine sitting in Nico’s palm.
“Who’s that?” Leo asks.
Nico startles and clamps his hand shut, body tense and wired like he’s been caught in the act. Then he seems to remind himself of something, and loosens his shoulders. He reveals the figurine in his palm and says, “It’s Hades. It… it’s the last thing I have from Bianca.”
A gap of silence between them, then Leo taps out a message in Morse code along the railing of the bridge: ‘I’m here’.
Nico smiles and taps back: ‘I know’.
-
Nowadays, Nico shadow travels to New Rome a lot, he realises. Almost entirely to see Leo, but also to see Hazel; checking in on his sister is a regular occurrence that he very much looks forward to.
He even enjoys seeing Frank, and despite his and Hazel’s breakup, things genuinely couldn’t be less awkward. A couple years ago, they had both come to the conclusion that they were better off as friends, much like himself and Will, whom Nico is very much still friends with.
As excited as Nico is to see his sister, the first person he wants to see is a certain curly-haired man with impish features that have grown on Nico an astounding amount since they first met years ago.
Leo’s engineering lecture should be over by now, so Nico waits in a shady alcove outside the lecture hall whose exterior he’s become familiar with.
Just as he predicted, the double doors burst open and college students rush out of the building erratically with an aura of stress and frenzy. Leo is the last to exit, which Nico is honestly grateful for since it means there’s less of a chance that he’ll have to interact with others.
He tries sneaking up on Leo, however his efforts aren’t very fruitful: an unfortunate side effect of Leo’s increased familiarity with Nico is that he’s able to somehow sense his presence. Even when Nico tries to mask it.
He spins around before Nico can grab his shoulders. He jumps indignantly, a good foot in the air, and shrieks, “HA!”
A dozen people lingering around the building look over at them, some curious, others irritated.
So much for not being seen.
Nico rests his forehead against Leo’s. “Sshhhh!”
Leo closes the distance between them and kisses Nico sweetly. He murmurs against his lips, “How were classes today? NYU treating you well?”
“They were fun. Art is always fun. What about you, how’s mechanical engineering.”
“Also very fun.”
Nico snorts. Leo makes a high-pitched noise, close to a whine but not quite there yet. “Just coz you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not fun!”
Nico lowers his voice, so it comes out partly soothing, partly mocking. “Okay, okay. Whatever you say.”
Leo’s hand slides down Nico’s arm and he interlaces their fingers, tugging on Nico’s hand. “Let’s go. It won’t do to have people witness me murdering you.”
Nico let’s himself be taken away. “Right… because you need plausible deniability?”
Leo shrugs, shoulders raised in a humorously exaggerated manner. He raises his free hand to point at his face. “Faces like this don’t come along everyday, sweetie.”
Even as Nico wrinkles his nose and lines a snarky retort on his tongue, he can’t help but think Leo’s onto something. “Yeah, whatever. Maybe jail will teach you some humility.”
He looks over to see that Leo’s smiling. He squeezes his hand and smiles back; his smile only widens as Leo responds, “Never.”
4 months later
Leo eyes the meagre pile of boxes clustered together in the middle of his living room. His gaze flashes to Nico, and he crosses his arms and pops an eyebrow to emphasise his scepticism. “Is this all your stuff?”
Nico shoots him a glare. “That’s rich coming from you. You barely have anything here, you couldn’t tell that someone actually lives here.”
Leo has nothing to say to that, because it’s true. When he first started at New Rome University, Frank and Hazel gave him an apartment in the city all to himself, insisting that a hero of Olympus deserves better accommodation than a college dorm.
He’d seen that there was no arguing with them and had allowed himself to be relocated to this, rather beautiful, apartment. It’s open and spacious, with exposed red brick walls, but in terms of actual furniture and decoration, it’s very sparse.
Leo just… isn’t used to having a permanent place to live, even after staying at Camp Half-Blood for long enough to consider it his home. But even back there, he’d shared the space with others, and the decor was a joint effort and built of compromise from all of his siblings.
Here, in this apartment, it’s all his own. And that is more than a little terrifying. It’s been a long time since he’s been able to call a place his own - just his - and he hasn’t been able to mark it as such, despite the loose parts and random tools strewn about the place.
He shrugs. “I’m not the sort of person who’s used to having… a place to call my own.”
Nico’s playfully angry look softens into one of understanding. “I get that.” He moistens his lips. “We can decorate together? Maybe?”
Leo grins, weaving through the obstacle course of boxes to get to Nico. He reaches for his hands and holds them close to his chest. “For sure.”
-
In an admittedly frighteningly short amount of time, the apartment goes from being an impersonal place where Leo just happens to live, to being his and Nico’s. Theirs.
Nico takes the first step: he starts off by putting up some band posters on a wall in their room, and encourages Leo to put up some of his own. Then, after getting permission from Leo, he takes half of the closet, although he doesn’t exactly have lots of clothes to put in there.
Leo notices this and suggests that they go shopping. Nico surprises himself with how easily he agrees to this.
Slowly, more of Nico’s nerdy things are seen around the place - his art supplies, a drum set which he shadow travelled here from Camp Half-Blood as well as little random trinkets including his Mythomagic cards and figurines. One day, he comes back from lectures to see that Leo has cleared out a space in the living room, by one of the huge panel windows, and set up an easel and desk there, for Nico to work at.
When Nico goes to thank Leo about it, he brushes it off, saying it’s no big deal, but before he turns around, Nico catches the self-satisfied grin poking at the corner of Leo’s mouth.
Maybe that’s what prompts what happens next. Nico sits by the desk while Leo stretches out on the couch with a couple of tools and spare parts in hand. Nico’s hands are shaking, and he balls them into fists in an attempt to steel himself. Then, without hesitation, he raps his knuckles against the desk in a pattern that makes Leo drop his tools to the floor and sit up.
Leo’s eyes widen and lock onto Nico’s as he translates: ‘I love you’.
Nico blushes, but doesn’t look away. They haven’t said it to each other yet, but they both clearly feel it… right? Or maybe he’s read the situation wrong. Maybe Leo doesn’t feel the same-
“I love you, too.”
All at once, Nico feels like he’s about to simultaneously burst and deflate. He wasn’t expecting Leo to say it out loud, but somehow that makes him more emotional: the look in Leo’s eyes seems to be saying that he knows, he feels the same, and he understands why Nico can’t say it out loud yet.
When the tears come, Nico doesn’t have it in him to be embarrassed. Leo jumps up from the couch and immediately makes his way over to Nico, enveloping him in his arms. Years ago, this would’ve made Nico uncomfortable, but now, he welcomes the reassurance that he is not only not alone, but also loved.
-
They settle into a routine, one which makes Leo’s heart burn brightly to think about. It’s quite a life he’s built with Nico over the course of the last year: long stretches of silence where they’re both doing homework; dinners at the table and on the couch, depending on their moods; and date nights, when they’re feeling up to it (and when they’re not, Leo will drag them both out anyway).
The monthly tradition of game nights with the living members of the seven have continued, and the two of them always attend together. It’s nice, really nice, and beautiful how they’ve all managed to grow around the gaping hole of Jason. It hasn’t been easy, and Leo has spent many nights crying about it - as have the rest of the seven - while Nico keeps him company, but he’s proud of how far they’ve come.
One of Leo’s favourite things is when he and Nico make dinner together, sometimes even more than the actual food. They’ve acquired the habit of sporadically tapping out small things in Morse code - throughout the day, but especially when making dinner.
Usually, they’ll be in the kitchen and one of them will tap something randomly, and the other will respond. And back and forth it’ll go. More often than not, their conversations get ridiculous as they say things through their fingers that they usually wouldn’t out loud (Nico wouldn’t, at least) leaving both of them in fits of laughter.
But more than that, Leo loves the comfort that comes with knowing that he is understood. He and Nico, though it doesn’t seem like it on the outside, have a lot in common. They can both understand being the outsider, having most things in life be uncertain, having to rely on yourself from a young age. Not to mention the dead moms (fun…).
That’s all to say, Leo’s starting to get settled into this life of theirs. And from what he can tell, Nico is too. He thinks it’s safe to say that, so far in his life, this is the happiest he’s ever been.
Unfortunately, life almost never goes according to plan, something which he’s forgotten as he watches the world through the rose-tinted glasses of love.
-
It starts off with a feeling, for Nico. One of fear.
It’s a few weeks after he and Leo first said ‘I love you’. The moment itself where the fear occurs is mundane: they’re sitting on the couch, tangled up together and watching TV. Nico looks away from the screen for a moment and rests his eyes on the curls at the top of Leo’s head.
He watches as Leo smiles at whatever’s going on on the screen, and he realises just how hard he’s fallen for this guy… and then the doubts comes creeping in. Loving someone is being vulnerable with them, and Nico has thought until this point (after much therapy) that he’s okay with being vulnerable. That this time with Leo is different. That he’s found someone who truly loves him.
But, for the first time since he and Leo started dating, a year and a half ago, a mental shroud is pulled off of Nico - one under which he’s hidden his insecurities, buried them away alongside his pain - and it all comes rushing back. So suddenly that the very ground beneath his feet feels like it’s being snatched out from beneath him.
His breath catches in his throat. He grabs onto the arm of the couch discretely. Leaning forward, he whispers in Leo’s ear, “Going to get some water.”
Leo nods and squeezes Nico’s hand once before Nico gets up and rushes to the kitchen. He just about makes it to the kitchen and manages to shut the door behind him before he has to grip the edge of the countertop to steady himself.
In, out. Just breathe.
But it’s all too much. Maria, Bianca, Jason. Bob. Even fucking Bob. Fuck - Nico himself. The boy he used to be.
The pain is like a hot iron poker tearing down his chest, into his heart. Stabbing it over and over and over again till he falls to the ground from the weight of it all.
He laughs as he hyperventilates. He was stupid to think that he could do this. That he’s not broken. But oh, he is. More than Leo knows. And he doesn’t deserve this - Leo deserves to be with someone who can love him wholly without bringing this onslaught of added trauma and baggage to the table.
Who the fuck wants to deal with this? Nico has to, because he can’t live without himself. But Leo doesn’t. And fuck knows that Leo has enough to deal with as it is.
He does believe that Leo loves him to some degree, but he’s afraid of letting him see this part of himself. Again. Nico knows what’s to come - he’s been through it so many times before - and it isn’t pretty.
He knows the right thing to do would be to trust Leo to stay by his side and love him regardless of the mess he’s about to become, but (and he’s ashamed that he’s even thinking this) he doesn’t want to.
He doesn’t want to know what Leo will do, doesn’t want to see how he’ll react. He doesn’t want to test him. Because what if the answer is no? What if Leo won’t hold his hand through it? What if he starts to hate Nico for being a burden, a damper on Leo’s own well-being? He’d rather die than have that happen.
Nico knows what he has to do, but it still hurts. He’s built a life here, a family. Not just with Leo, but with the seven (six). And he really loves this one.
He lifts himself off of the floor, clinging to the counter for support. He huffs a laugh, dark and tearful. No more game nights for him, then.
He inhales deeply, quietly sniffling a little before wiping the tears away from his eyes. It’s better this way, he tells himself.
If only he could believe it.
3 months later
Leo sits in his apartment, alone on the couch. After the breakup, Hazel asked him if he wanted to be moved somewhere else, to a different apartment. Leo refused, naturally. He wasn’t going to admit that he was in pain, and that moving might make it easier.
Instead, he’s stuck here, with the echoes of a relationship that has left him behind. The end came so abruptly, he’s still replaying it in his head. Nico saying he needed water, then returning from the kitchen and sitting down like all was normal. Like he wasn’t about to uproot Leo’s entire life in the span of a few minutes.
He remembers not registering the words coming from Nico’s mouth, after he started with “This isn’t working”. He remembers crying, and watching Nico cry. And yelling - a lot of that. They were the type to bicker, that had always been part of their dynamic, but this was different. There was a finality to the insults spoken, a serrated edge to them, made to cut and wound, like there’d never been before.
Leo remembers Nico finally walking out. The sound of the door shutting, not with a slam but with a definitive click, as he screamed, “COWARD!” after him. As if that would make him turn back.
He’d been foolish to think that. Nico didn’t even come back for his stuff; Hazel had been the one to gather his things and take them back to Camp Half-Blood, an embarrassed grimace on her face.
Everywhere Leo looks, he sees Nico. In the kitchen, the windows, and the fucking bedroom. He can’t sleep in there anymore: he started sleeping in the guest room a couple months ago. Before that, he slept on the couch for two weeks straight before Frank came to visit him and snapped him out of it.
It’s not fair. Nico gets to leave, while Leo is left crestfallen in the ruined remains of their apartment. He starts crying for the second time that day, because that seems to be the only thing he can do nowadays. He hates him, but more than that, he loves him. He still loves him. And he hates himself for that.
He’ll look back on all of this in the years to come and wonder what went wrong. Eventually, he’ll come to the conclusion that the end was necessary - while he’d been ready to embrace their life together, Nico was far from it.
But now, he’s too in love, and too heartbroken, too see it. He does the only thing he can: he tries to grieve, and move on.
-
Nico continues to see his therapist, Martha, but other than that, he keeps to himself. He knows he should go out more, shouldn’t lock himself away, but old habits die hard.
He’s trying, though. He’s trying so hard. And now, there’s an extra thing he has to work through: heartbreak. But this is different to his mother’s death, to Bianca’s and even Jason’s.
Because this death is one that Nico brought upon himself. A death of his own making.
His bones shudder under the knowledge of how difficult it’s going to be to get through this. But he will. He always does, for better or worse.
4 years later
Leo walks in between Hazel and Frank as they make their way down Half-Blood Hill, towards the valley of Camp Half-Blood. Percy and Annabeth are at the bottom, waiting for them; Percy has his arm around her waist, and Annabeth is rolling her eyes at something he’s saying.
It brings a smile to Leo’s face to see his friends happy. He marvels at the fact that Percy and Annabeth remain so in love after so many years. Sure, they had a rough patch in college and broke up for a year (from what Percy’s shared, he and Annabeth became very codependent after Tartarus and in order to keep that relationship healthy, they had to figure out who they were outside of each other) but they bounced back from it.
They found their way back to each other, and Leo finds that more impressive than if they’d stayed together consistently through the years.
They exchange greetings, laughing at Frank’s new haircut (well, Leo’s the only one laughing, but it’s long since been established that it’s his job to tease Frank) and catching up on life.
Piper comes running down the hill ten minutes or so later, spewing apologies which go unheard as everyone piles around her in a tight group hug. Usually, the group bands together in Camp Jupiter for their monthly game night (yes, that’s still a thing, thankfully), but they decided that this month, they’d all gather in Camp Half-Blood; it’s been years since they’ve all been here at the same time.
None of them say his name, but they’re all aware of Jason’s absence. However, the ache has dulled over time, and they’re able to smile while recalling memories of him during their teen years. Nico isn’t here, Leo notices, but then again Nico stopped coming to these four years ago, so he isn’t surprised.
Leo hopes that Nico’s somewhere around here, though. He’s done a lot of thinking, reflecting and has had many conversations with his therapist, Nina, over the years, and he has some things he wants to say. He actually hasn’t seen Nico since the breakup; the guy is really good at avoiding people when he wants to.
Leo kind of resents him for it. Sometimes, he wishes that Nico would just randomly show up outside his apartment (a new one he acquired in Brooklyn a year ago) just so he can have proof that their relationship was real. That what he’s about to do, if Nico’s here, isn’t going to be in vain.
Well, he’ll have to wait till he sees him. Things will be clearer then, hopefully. But, if there’s one thing he knows about Nico, it’s that he - Leo - will have to seek him out. He won’t show himself if he thinks he isn’t wanted, and he most definitely thinks that.
At least there’s one place that Leo knows he can count on for finding Nico.
-
Deja vu. Those are the only words going through Nico’s head as his ears pick up on the fall of familiar footsteps behind him. Of course Leo knew he’d be here.
Leo sits down beside him, leaving a good few feet of space between them. Nico keeps his eyes trained on the strawberry fields ahead of him, baking in the heat of the mid-August sun.
Upon every visit to Camp Half-Blood, Nico always makes sure to come here. Martha says that it’s proof that he’s sentimental at heart. He rolls his eyes whenever she says that, but he’s never denied it, because it’s true.
He saw the group reuniting earlier, and needed an escape. So he came here. Now that Leo’s here too, sitting with him, he’s questioning his decision.
Leo clears his throat, his words cracking through the dense layer of awkwardness and history that has settled over them. “Hi.”
Nico shifts slightly, wondering how to navigate through this. “Hey.”
They don’t say anything for a while after that, even though there’s clearly so much that needs to be said. Leo’s sitting so still that Nico feels the inexplicable urge to fidget. And then, Leo taps out a rhythm - ‘how are you?’ - and Nico thinks he’s going to cry.
It’s been so long since he’s spoken to anyone in Morse code; the last time had been four years ago, with Leo.
A while ago, it hit him that it had become a language that only the two of them could understand, although there are probably lots of people who know Morse code, but it always felt special and unique to them. From the very beginning, since Leo decided to share it with him.
Nico remembers a day from long ago, when he and Leo were still together. They were sitting by one of the large panel windows in their New Roman apartment, Leo with his head on Nico’s shoulder. They were tapping random messages to each other in a truly nonsensical fashion.
And then, out of the blue, Leo stopped and leaned over. He whispered into Nico’s ear that he used to only associate Morse code with his mother, but now - then - he associated it with Nico, too.
Nico wonders if that’s still the case; if he’s left such a strong impression on Leo that he’s altered this thing which means so much to him and has for pretty much his entire life. He hopes for Leo’s sake that he hasn’t.
Instead of responding with the truth, Nico taps out: ‘Honestly, I’d feel better if I had ice cream’.
-
They go on for a while, talking in their own quiet way. It hurts, how familiar it is. Nico’s presence is still so comforting, even after everything. It makes Leo sure that his decision is the right one.
He breaks the rhythm of Nico’s tapping by saying out loud, “I understand.”
Nico’s eyes widen, and his shoulders jolt slightly in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“I get why you left.” The word ‘me’ hangs between them, unspoken but glaringly present. Neither of them look away, and that gives Leo the courage to continue. “If you don’t have feelings for me, tell me now before I embarrass myself.”
Nico falters, and Leo’s heart clenches. “Please, just be honest.”
Nico looks away, staring decidedly at the strawberry fields. Leo’s not leaving without an answer though, so he waits until Nico speaks again.
“I still have feelings for you.” The words come out so quiet that Leo almost misses them.
“Then what’s stopping us?” Leo knows the answer, but he wants to hear Nico say it. Or at least admit it.
Nico bites his lip and looks away. Leo isn’t having it though; he shuffles over, reaches out and grabs Nico’s chin, forcing him to look at him. Nico is on the verge of tears, and Leo feels a painful pang in his chest. He laughs hopelessly. “You never did believe I loved you, did you?”
Nico swallows, but he holds Leo’s gaze. “I did.”
“But not enough.”
He closes his eyes. “No, I guess not.” He stands up, and Leo releases his chin in the process. “I'm- I’m sorry. I’m not who you need.”
Leo throws his hands in the air, defeated. “But you’re who I want. Isn’t that enough?”
Nico says nothing, pressing his lips together. Leo grits his teeth. “You’re forgetting, I loved you at your worst. After the Giant War, through Jason. Hell - even on the Argo II, after we retrieved you from a metal box and you’d been through fucking Tartarus. When are you going to get it through your thick head that I fucking love you. Okay? I do.”
Nico opens his mouth to speak, but Leo isn’t done. “You’re fucked in the head” - Nico flinches - “and you’re full of, of pain, and anger and sadness. But guess what? So am I. It’s not fucking easy for me either, Nico. And I get why you ended things with me. I don’t blame you for that, not anymore. You needed that break. But you don’t get to leave me because you’re afraid. Not when that’s the only reason why.”
He gets up too now, and takes a step forward, moving just that much closer. Nico doesn’t back away. Leo lowers his voice. “I’m scared too. I’m always scared. I just hide it better.” His shoulders droop from weariness and he runs a hand through his hair. He looks up again, straight into Nico’s eyes. “This is the last time I’m going to ask you this. There’ll be no more second chances; I’m not coming back for you after this.”
Scared to say the words, scared that this truly will be the end, Leo waits for a while before he asks one last question. “Do you want to be with me?”
-
Nico stares at Leo, at this man he’s known since he was a boy. The knot of emotions in his throat is threatening to choke him, but he makes himself feel it anyway. He thinks about what he knows, and what he doesn’t know.
The pain, the grief, the uncertainty - they’re all the same, whether he’s with Leo or not. They remain. Through a lot of self-reflection, and with Martha there to urge him along, he’s come to acknowledge that his fears and insecurities are not associated with one person in particular, but are ones which have been accumulated throughout the course of his life, because of his trauma.
They will show up every now and then, but he has the tools to work through them. He still doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he’s still afraid, but he’s starting to realise that that scared little boy will always be inside him, always be part of him, and that’s okay. After all, Nico wouldn’t be who he is without him, and without everything he’s been through.
So, with Leo standing bare before him in all the ways that matter, Nico listens to him and hears his own desperation reflected in Leo’s voice. “Do you want to be with me?”
Nico takes a step towards him, and then another. He reaches between them slowly, watching as Leo follows the movement, and interlaces his fingers with Leo’s. Leo drags his eyes away from their joined hands and up to Nico’s face. He’s scared, and Nico finds strength in that, because he’s scared too.
But beneath that fear, there’s certainty. Not with the world, and not with the future, but with themselves and with each other. Gods, Nico’s missed this. He’s already given his answer, but he needs to say it out loud - for Leo just as much as himself. “Yes. I want to be with you.”
Leo releases a shaky sigh and gently squeezes Nico’s hand. “Okay then. Where do we begin?”