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Yoo Joonghyuk was an introvert. Well, that was an understatement, to be completely honest. Despite being a famous streamer who never ran out of partnerships, he didn’t have much social interaction in his life apart from finding new contractors. It would be considered a miracle for him to reveal his emotions to anyone, practically impossible. Well, that was until Kim Dokja came along.
Kim Dokja wasn’t really an extrovert, but one way to tell he was comfortable around you was if he started acting as if he had no shame, spewing every nonsensical thought he had to you without any hesitation. This side of him was only shown to his close friends, those whom he trusted with his life. And he had thought it would only be his friends who would have a view of it. Just his friends. No more, no less. Until Yoo Joonghyuk appeared in his life.
The two were somewhat different, to say the least. But it was their opposing qualities which complemented each other, allowing them to go well together. At least, that’s what everybody said. Perfect, was what some called them. A couple which would never break up, for others.
And that was true, for a very long time. They remained as the sole one in each others eyes. When Kim Dokja spoke, Yoo Joonghyuk would listen intently. On the rare occasions when Yoo Joonghyuk left the house, Kim Dokja would delightedly follow.
Rumours would spread. The supreme king and his first as well as his presumably last love. They would never leave each other is what their friends whispered behind their backs. For a while, even Yoo Joonghyuk and Kim Dokja believed that.
But nothing can ever really last forever, can it?
The memory of that fateful day was still vivid in Kim Dokja’s mind, almost as if it had only been a few hours since the event.
A picture. Sent to him from Han Sooyoung. Yoo Joonghyuk, the man who had stolen his heart and held it captive, together with another woman. The lady had snow White hair, tied into a high ponytail, face not visible from the camera. The only movement Kim Dokja could make out was a hand gesture she was making with one hand as she explained something to the man sitting opposite from him. Her other hand was resting on the table, fingers laced with Yoo Joonghyuk’s.
The man wore an expression, one which was heartbreakingly familiar to Kim Dokja. The same fond expression he used to reserve for Kim Dokja. The one he wore whenever they went for dates or during their anniversary, which made him seem as if he genuinely thought Kim Dokja was special. As if nothing else mattered but the man he was with. And now he was using it for somebody different.
Yoo Joonghyuk had seemed different for the past month or so, not that Kim Dokja would ever admit it. Perhaps it was ignorance or denial. He had his suspicions, but he refused to entertain those thoughts. Those thoughts which suggested that his beloved was being unfaithful. His first thought upon seeing the photo was that it was photoshopped. Think about it. The one man Kim Dokja loved, leaving him for somebody else. The one man who was supposed to support him and bring him joy for the rest of his life.
“I love you.” Yoo Joonghyuk would say that to Kim Dokja every morning. How long had it been since the man actually meant it? Had he ever meant it? Or was it all a lie? This gut wrenching feeling made Kim Dokja want to tear his heart out of his chest and throw it into the ocean, where it would never be found. Anything to allow him a single moment of numbness.
When Yoo Joonghyuk came home that day, the reader wanted so badly to confront him. But then the man cooked dinner for the two, as if everything was normal, like nothing changed. And Kim Dokja was tempted to keep up this facade of happiness, to forget about the evidence that the man no longer loved him. And that’s exactly what he did.
But the thought of the photo kept on popping up whenever they were together, like a weight on his chest he couldn’t let go of, something which kept nagging at him. It pulled and pulled at him until he couldn’t bear with it anymore.
“I saw you that day.”
One night, he simply blurted out the truth while they were watching a movie. Yoo Joonghyuk stiffened slightly, his movements invisible to anyone who didn’t know him well. But Kim Dokja saw it.
“What day?”
Yoo Joonghyuk asked, faking nonchalance.
“You and that lady. The pretty one. At a cafe.”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s breath was shaky as he exhaled. He paused the movie, and switched off the television.
“I don’t.. Dokja-ya..”
Kim Dokja let out a laugh, one containing a hint of amusement. He thought that the man would at least make some effort to lie. To comfort him that the picture was false. But in reality, Yoo Joonghyuk had actually cheated. After everything they had gone through together, he decided to abandon everything for somebody else.
“Why?”
He asked, his tone angry. Yoo Joonghyuk meant everything to him, but it had become apparent that the feelings weren’t mutual.
“I..”
“I don’t love you anymore.”
Kim Dokja fought back tears, resisting the urge to hit the man. God really was a cruel being.
“Where did it all go wrong?”
He muttered, uncaring wether Yoo Joonghyuk heard his question. Was it something Kim Dokja did wrong? Did he not show enough concern for the man? Did he fail to express his care?
“You did nothing. This.. I just care more for somebody else now.”
Yoo Joonghyuk whispered, a bittersweet smile on his face. His mind went through every memory they shared together. The way he used to feel unspeakable happiness when he was with the other in the past. This happiness.. he simply got it from somebody else now. Was it so wrong to have a change of heart?
“I’ll.. I’ll leave by tomorrow. Be sure to introduce that woman to me. You two look good together. I’d love to meet the woman who captivated my Joonghyuk-ah’s heart.”
Yoo Joonghyuk hesitated upon hearing Kim Dokja. This was the person Kim Dokja was. The person he had always been. The other man had every right to be mad at him, to lash out and release his anger on the streamer. But he kept it in. Locked his emotions in an impenetrable box. Refused to allow anyone a view of his negativity. It was the only part of Kim Dokja which frustrated Yoo Joonghyuk. There was no reason for an angel like him to stop himself from showing emotion. He didn’t have to be perfect. That was all Yoo Joonghyuk had ever wanted to tell him.
But it seemed that he wouldn’t get the chance.
Without a word, Kim Dokja waved Yoo Joonghyuk his last goodbye, as he headed out of the apartment, presumably to Han Sooyoung’s house to stay the night.
——
“That fucking asshole..”
Han Sooyoung growled, after Kim Dokja recounted the nights events to her.
“He doesn’t fucking love you anymore? What kind of answer is that? After everything you did for him?”
She gripped her cup filled with water tight, so much that Kim Dokja was worried it would break.
“You were the only person there for him when he was a literal loner!”
She raised her voice, taking a mouthful of the liquid in her cup before banging it onto the table.
“It’s fine. People change.”
Kim Dokja replied, trying to soothe the girl.
“No, it’s not fine! How are you so calm? If I were you, I’d have slaughtered him by now!”
She was seething with rage now, gritting her teeth.
“You know what? I’m gonna go to bed. That cheater better hope I’m not as mad by tomorrow morning.”
And so Kim Dokja was alone at his friend’s dining table now, fidgeting with his thumbs as he sat there, not a single feeling penetrating his face. What if he had avoided telling the truth to Yoo Joonghyuk. He would still be able to be with his first love, in that dreamlike state, even if it was all a lie.
‘I’m an idiot.’ He laughed to himself, finally releasing everything he had been holding in. He wiped at the meaningless, relentless tears, a smile he couldn’t seem to get rid of plastered on his face. If he had fallen for someone else, would he have been in this state?
He clenched and unclenched his fists, biting his lip so hard it bled. He wanted to reverse time, to go back to when he first met Yoo Joonghyuk. To start anew. To live a life where they had never gotten together. But that would be impossible. Yoo Joonghyuk represented everything he loved and dreamt of, a future which was once unseeable. Falling for him was inevitable, it just depended on how long he could push away his feelings.
“It’s disgusting how much I love you.”
He whispered to no one in particular, closing his eyes. There was something so attractive about darkness. The black which engulfed him when he closed his eyes. The ability to shut out all his worries and trouble. To imagine a whole other world, where he was happy, where he had everything he could ever imagine. Perhaps it would be better if he could just live eternally in that world.
——
A day had passed. It was night again. Kim Dokja had been putting off visiting the apartment to collect his belongings, but he had to get out everything by that day.
He wondered what Yoo Joonghyuk would be like when he saw him. He definitely wouldn’t have suffered as much as Kim Dokja that previous night. Maybe the gamer would have felt like a burden had been lifted off his shoulders. The burden named Kim Dokja.
But nothing could have prepared him for what Kim Dokja saw.
Yoo Joonghyuk was sleeping on the couch, something he had never seen in his life. For the past few years Kim Dokja had been with Yoo Joonghyuk, the latter had always ensured that he slept on a proper bed, no matter how tired he was.
The reader made his way to their once shared room, his footsteps light. He packed away his belongings into a luggage, trying his best to focus only on his items. Everything around him signified his past relationship, memories filling up the house.
Soon, half of the clothes in the house were taken away, sealed shut in the luggage. He slowly paced through the apartment’s corridor, eyes flitting from place to place, never really landing on a certain area until he reached the living room once again.
He gazed at Yoo Joonghyuk, his snores the only sounds in the apartment. Kim Dokja subconsciously approached the man, unsure of what exactly he was doing upon reaching the couch.
He hesitantly settled down on the floor beside Yoo Joonghyuk, eyes fixated on his face. The man wore his signature frown, eyebrows dipping downwards, as if the world had done something to offend him.
Kim Dokja couldn’t help but smile, knowing that despite looking angry every second of the day, Yoo Joonghyuk rarely did anything which would hurt his loved ones. That was one of the reasons why he believed that there must have truly been something extraordinary about the lady who seemed to attract the other. And if he wanted to be with her, Kim Dokja would not stop him.
“Maybe this is for the best.”
He whispered, his voice soft.
“You’ll be happy and I’ll..”
What exactly would he be? In the past, whenever he imagined his future, it would be filled with Yoo Joonghyuk. To remove the man from the picture.. would that even be possible?
“I’ll..”
He would be alone. Just like last time. He survived once. He could do it again. Right? Kim Dokja let out a soft sigh, lips curling downwards.
“I hope you will be happy.”
He murmured, reaching out to touch the other.
“Just..”
He retracted his arm, clenching his fists as he had second thoughts about the movements.
“Not in front of me.”