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Phamily in Paradise
“Hey Bill!”
“Hey Phil!”
“How’s the Phamily?”
Bill chuckled at Phil’s joke as he passed by. Ah, the phamily. Everyone was part of the same family here. They were a nest of vampires, living the dream in beautiful Bahama Bay, Hawaii.
Bill didn’t know why it was called “Bahama Bay” when it was in Hawaii, an entire continent away from the Atlantic tropics, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was leaning back in his hammock and picking up the next coconut. He was feeling a little cheeky today, so he popped in one of those little pink paper umbrellas to go with it. He was just closing his eyes when he heard a shout coming from the cabana behind him.
“HEY! HEY! HEY!”
Choking on his coconut Bill sat up quickly. The hammock jolted underneath him, rocking dangerously to the side and spilling him out onto the pristine sands below.
“Help! BILL! PHIL! ANYONE! I THINK YOUR RELATIVES ARE HERE!” came the strangled cry of their human bartender.
Bill shot up swiftly and sprinted to the outdoor deck. By the time he arrived at the back deck of the Banana Cabana, Phil had already collared two pasty white vampires who, by the looks of it, were exceptionally confused. The new vamps were dressed all in black: black pants, black shoes, black long-sleeved shirts. Give them a black fedora and they’d be a pair of dressed down 1920’s gangsters, only paler.
Bill glanced between the two vampires, Phil, and the human.
“You okay, Dan?” he asked, worriedly.
Dan rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, but I think I might have a bit of whiplash tomorrow. Geez, I forgot how strong you guys are.”
“Take the day for yourself, Dan. The club is great but it’s important to take care of you too.” Bill said calmly.
Phil nodded his agreement. “We’ll manage. Don’t disregard an injury just because you’re young. Don’t worry, we’ll lock up.”
After a few final farewell items, Dan departed to tend to his injured neck. Bill and Phil turned their eyes on the pair of pasty vamps before them. Bill crossed his arms and frowned like a disappointed grandfather.
“Care to tell us what you were doing, gentleman?” Phil asked more coldly now that they were alone. They’d attacked Dan, after all!
“What we were doing?” the visiting vampire said, looking between himself and his companion. “Why…dinner. Of course.”
“WHAT!” Phil said, promptly dropping both vampires back onto the floor. The sudden release shocked them, and the pair spilled onto the hardwood boards. They quickly shot to their feet.
“We were told this island had a unique flavor of feeders.” One vampire said.
“We came to sample it for ourselves. So, perhaps you would be so kind as to tell us why you interrupted us before dessert?”
“Dessert?” Bill said with alarm. If he had a beating heart, right now it would be in his throat.
“Don’t tell me you youngsters went and ate somebody!” Phil said, aghast.
The first vampire snorted. “No. It was a long flight. We had these.” He held up some empty blood transfusion bags.
Bill dragged his hands across his face, looking through his fingers at their new arrivals. “Yikes.”
Phil also shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “How…no. First, names. You are?”
“I am Vincent.” Said the first with pride, flashing his fangs as he pronounced the “V.”
“And I am Alexander.” Said the second. He also turned his nose up in the air. “And…you are?” he asked, eyeing Bill’s bright parrot-themed Hawaiian shirt, tan cargo shorts, and sandals with disdain.
Bill rolled his eyes. “I’m Bill. And this,” he thumbed a finger at his companion, “is Phil. Welcome to the Phamily.”
“Family?” Vincent asked, confused.
“Yes. Phamily.” Bill repeated. “So, first things first: What on earth are you two doing? No one drinks blood anymore. No one has drunk blood in ages here. What are you doing attacking Dan? Dan the Man, owner of Banana Cabana, and one of our very most favorite-“
“Absolutely most favorite!” Phil cut in.
“Yes—definitely most favorite—humans?” Bill demanded.
“Favorite…humans? No blood?” Vincent asked, looking flabbergasted at Alexander. In fact, he looked like he thought Bill might be a little crazy.
“You are clearly confused, Mr. Phil,” Vincent said.
“Bill.” Bill corrected.
“I’m Phil,” Phil said with a wave behind the pair again.
“And who is that? Will?” Alexander gestured at another vampire walking along the sidewalk toward the brightly lit cabana.
Bill craned his neck around the new vamps to check. “No, that’s Gil.” He corrected. He looked through the windows of the open bar and pointed. “That’s Will. And that’s Wille, with an e.”
“There are two Wills?” Vincent asked.
“No, Will, and Willie.” Alexander corrected his friend.
Phil shook his head. “Also no, just one Will. That’s Wille, Will with an E.”
“So, Willie.”
“No.”
“…You have strange names.” Vincent said, stepping a little closer to his companion. They started muttering in a foreign language—Romanian, if Bill’s memory served correctly—and he waved his hand again, interrupting.
“Listen gents, you’ve got a few things to catch up on. First; no one drinks blood anymore. We drink…” Bill looked around at the various lounge chairs and tables arranged on the back patio. He found what he was looking for and picked up the brown sphere.
“…Coconuts!”
“Coconuts?” Vincent said.
“Are you going to repeat everything I say?” Bill asked, exasperatedly, and the pair of vamps settled down.
“Yes. Coconuts. Coconut water is an excellent substitute for blood plasma. We no longer need blood products. In fact, you could say we’re vamps gone vegan!”
Bill grinned as he lifted his hands in the air like this was a phenomenal joke. Phil laughed and wiped a tear from his eye.
“That one never gets old, Bill.”
“Gotta hand it to you, Phil. You came up with it.”
“Yeah, but it’s all in the delivery-“
“Woah, woah, woah.” Alexander interrupted again, cutting off the senior vamps’ laughter. “You drink coconuts?”
“Yup. Not sure what else to tell ya, but it’s great. Now that we don’t eat humans, it’s been a breeze to get along with them. Especially Dan—Dan the Man, who built us the Banana Cabana so we’d have a place to chill whenever we want to.”
Alexander waved his hands in front of him. “First, we meant no offense. We heard there was a scene for vampires and tried to find our people. If we knew you were fond of the human, we would never have hurt this ‘Dan the Man.’”
“Someone hurt Dan?” Came another voice with a gasp. All four vampires turned their faces to the backdoor of the cabana, which slammed open. A woman’s voice shouted. “SOMEONE HURT DAN THE MAN!”
A cacophony of irate voices rose up in unison, and in short order the vampires from the cabana stepped onto the back porch.
Bill waved. “Evening everyone. Might I introduce our newest arrivals—Vincent, and Alexander.” He gestured to both, who meekly waved at the angry nest of vampires before them. Their eyes flashed in the growing moonlight.
“…Hello.” Vincent said meekly at the sudden influx of angry faces. Alexander stepped behind his friend.
The group frowned and looked at the pair impatiently.
“Now everyone,” Phil began. “Let’s all remember our own first days here. It was confusing for all of us. Let’s extend a little bit of grace and patience, shall we?”
“But they hurt Dan!” One of the vampires protested.
“Dan is going to be all right,” Bill said, gesturing with his hands to minimize their concern. “He’s a bit sore but he wasn’t even bitten. He’s taking the day tomorrow. Maybe someone can get him flowers?”
“On it!” Came another voice in the back.
“Thank you, Quill!” Phil called from where he stood.
“Quill?” Vincent asked, confused.
“Yes.” Bill responded. “Another member of the Phamily.”
“Family?”
“It’s actually Phamily, with a ‘p-h’, because Phil. He’s not the elder, he just likes it, and we all agreed it was funny. All of us being everyone here.” Bill gestured. “You heard Quill, and in order on the back porch, we have Gil, Jill, Dill, Lil, and Patil.” The vampires waved in turn as their names were called.
“Patil?” Alexander said, surprised.
“All the way from Delhi! Makes a mean paneer curry. It took me a minute to get used to the cheese but once you do it’s-“
“You eat human food?” Vincent seemed scandalized.
“Well, obviously.” Phil snorted. “Just wait until you try Lil’s Boom Boom shrimp. You think you’d get tired of coconut but when it’s mixed into the breading or part of the sauce it’s just.” Phil made the chef’s kiss motion and Bill agreed.
“Ooh, also: Gil’s steak and garlic potatoes? Money.”
Hearing Bill and Phil devolve into culinary discussions, the group of vamps waved and turned to head back inside.
“Garlic?” Vincent screeched. “You eat poison?”
“No, we eat garlic.” Bill shook his head. “Turns out, garlic is a natural blood thinner because it interferes with platelets. Take out the platelets, take out the issue! Haven’t had an issue with it since and boy is it tasty.”
“Next you’ll say you can breach running water,” Alexander muttered.
“Hey, Jamil!” Bill waved at another vamp beachgoer.
“Hey Bill!” the vamp responded. “Wish me luck! We’ve got a storm coming in later. Should have some gnarly waves.”
Alexander held onto Vincent’s shoulder for strength at the sight of the surfboard stowed under the newest vampire’s arm. The two looked positively shaken.
Vincent swallowed and shook his head as if to ground himself. “All this…because of…coconuts?”
Phil grinned. “Yup. Amazing, ain't it?”
“And…you just all live here? Together?” he continued.
“Well, we have a nice beach house up the ways. The town was nice enough to give us a great rate on the place since we had to really fix it up, but now it’s beautiful. Big broad windows, really lets in the light in the morning.”
Alexander’s eyes were as round as the moon. “You can withstand sunlight?! Wait, don’t tell me-“
Phil nodded as he interrupted. “Apparently there is this thing called “nitrous oxide” that lives in your skin and causes blood vessels to widen. But if there is no blood–“
“–there is no widening of vessels.” Alexander finished for him.
“Yup.” Bill grinned at the stunned vamps. “So that nasty pinch you feel? Gone. Forever. But we still get to keep the night vision, so that part’s pretty cool.”
Bill turned toward the waves. “Jamil actually helps the local marine biology office keep an eye on the shark populations. He’s going to be cited as a co-author on their next article. It’s pretty neat. You should join him sometime. Well, once you’re de-bloodified. You don’t want to attract the sharks, just count what’s already there.”
“Of course,” Alexander said, sounding dazed.
Bill turned back to the two new vampires. “So, gentlemen, I presume with this newfound knowledge you might like to, say, stay a while? Give it a go? Island life is not too shabby.” Bill pinched his shirt and rocked up and down on his toes like a southerner with suspenders.
The two vamps looked between them.
“Maybe…this not so bad,” Vincent said with a shrug. Alexander agreed.
“Perfect!” Phil exclaimed, pulling the two vamps into a strong vampire hug. They grunted and wheezed as the air squeezed out of their lungs.
“So. New names.” Bill began.
“New names?” Vincent asked. “But I am ‘Vincent’?” he said, confused.
“So? I was Constantine Ivanov,” Phil said, his old accent creeping out with his original name.
“And I was Dominik Kuznetsov,” Bill said, his accent also appearing, “but that doesn’t really have the island flair. So…names?”
Vincent and Alexander looked between each other.
“Merrill and…Verill?” Alexander proposed, pointing first to himself and then to Vincent.
Bill tilted his head from side to side. “Eh…sure, we can work with that. But first! Come, come.” He motioned the two vamps to walk with him until he stood behind one of the outdoor bars. Fetching two coconuts and a steel pick, he quickly opened a hole and popped two straws into them. Feeling generous, he also added the little umbrellas and a slice of pineapple and a cherry as a garnish.
He looked over the shoulders of the two vamps for his friend. “Phil! You need one, buddy?”
“Nah, I’ve got it, thanks!” Phil called from down the deck. Using his finger, Phil simply impaled the coconut to create a hole. He pulled a small pillbox-looking thing out of his pocket and held it up. “Reusable straw!” he called, unfolding it and popping it in. Seeing everything was under control, Phil walked out toward the water and began strolling down the beach.
Bill gave Phil a little wave before turning his attention back to the newcomers. “We’ll get you all set up with some island wear tomorrow. Trust me, it’s a lot more comfortable. We’ve also got some safe spaces for new arrivals like yourselves in the beach house. But for now…”
He held up the two brown spheres for their newest members. “Welcome to the Phamily. Care to have a coconut?”