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Xiao didn't sleep tonight.
He settled down at the side of the bed and stared at the golden, untangled braid that spread all over the pillows on the bed and downwards, almost reaching the knees he had lifted to his chest, slowly easing with every inhale and exhale.
He lifted his finger against the warm skin of his cheek, underneath the already-asleep closed eyes.
Sometimes he couldn't believe that this boy, sitting next to him, is The Traveler.
The Traveler that everybody loves, The Traveler that everybody uses,
the traveler that's truly seen by only a few as who he is deep down.
The part that's just still a little boy who wants nothing but to exist in the world and get back to his sister and how things used to be with the two of them.
That part got shattered a long time ago, forcefully.
And Xiao knows it. He has seen it all.
The first time he saw Aether, he was broken.
Maybe he was just wandering around, exploring this foreign world, and searching for his answers.
Maybe his eyes were shining, full of wonder, but that was only because he still had a little hope in him.
There was just a piece or two that broke,
Then it multiplied. Two turned into four and four into eight
The fear and the contempt turned into anxiety, and apathy, which turned into emotional insecurity and frustration, and now he's full of plain shame and resentment.
It wasn't once that Xiao might have done something he shouldn't have, listening to some conversations Aether had that were probably meant to be personal.
The conversations the yaksha overheard while passing by, then ending up hiding behind trees and rocks because he used to be such a coward, so afraid to make a step closer to the traveler because what if.
The conversation Aether had with no one other than himself. His little monologue about the unfairness of the world and the disappointment he keeps in himself.
The words and acts of hatred towards himself whenever a realization hit him.
The drag of his nails down his bare shoulders, sobbing and whispering about how he is a monster because he keeps searching and searching for nothing.
At first, Xiao didn't realize what he was talking about, but he saw the heaviness his words possessed. He heard the pain that the picture held.
And when the two of them got closer and closer, Aether talked to him.
There was one night when something inside of him just snapped and Xiao just happened to be by his side then.
And he saw a part of Aether from a close-up angle.
He is just getting worse.
There was no denying it.
Even now that he's still getting closer to his goal, he is getting worse.
It started with a broken sob saying "I don't want to do this anymore, you don't understand."
It was the first time he heard Aether being so loud, throwing his hands up in the air so energetically and crying so hard.
He was always quiet, but that one time just revealed a different side of him.
He left the emotions to float out of him, talking about how he lost all his hope in everything and how he is tired of going to sleep every night and dreaming about a world that isn't really where he is happily reunited with his sister
"I know it won't happen. I know I'll never have what I had with Lumine again but that's just the only thing that keeps me alive. I don't have anything else to fucking live for If I give up on that." he yelled, cupping his face between his palms, his entire body shaking.
"I love Teyvat. I love being here but it's so tiring to be here for everyone and pretending that I know what I'm doing and where I'm going and that I'm happy to get closer to leave this place and return to my homeland."
"I want to stay. With the others, the actual people that genuinely welcome me and listen to me. Like you." He looked at the dark-haired boy next to him "I was never ready to deal with all that I'm dealing with."
Xiao couldn't respond with anything.
He knew his words wouldn't fix much.
Instead, he just let his head fall on the blonde's shoulder and stayed by his side for the next countless minutes he spent crying his eyes out.
There are words he wished he would've said back then,
Like "You are not a monster, Aether."
"You are allowed to have your dreams and goals."
"I love you like I never loved before. I don't see how you can hold so much hatred towards yourself like this."
but all of those sentences remained unspoken. At least on that night that happened years ago.
Now they are more direct with each other, they learned how to talk and respond, to yell and apologize, to not hide anymore.
Because of course, the young yaksha is struggling just as much.
Aether always does his best to make him feel loved but never really allows Xiao to take care of him properly.
The difference between how both of them receive love is that sometimes Xiao doesn't accept it because it's too overwhelming for him, meanwhile, Aether blocks it out because he is convinced he doesn't deserve someone else's time and affection like this.
But Xiao insists.
Maybe he isn't the best at words and touches but sometimes he goes for it anyways.
Like how he does tonight, dragging his finger against the warm skin of Aether's cheek, underneath the now half-asleep eyes that open slightly.
"Xiao?" The soft voice called, looking up with tired eyes at the lover next to him.
Xiao wondered how a person could live like this. Struggling so much yet still being able to just be at the end of the day.
But then he realized that life just has to continue. Even with all the struggles that it holds.
He lifted the soft duvet covering Aether up, scooching over so he could sit down next to him better.
"I'm here for you." He whispered, bowing his head close to the warm chest of the boy laying next to him.
He knew Aether didn't understand what he was talking about right now, but it was alright.
Maybe both of their lives are full of burdens to carry, but at least they don't have to deal with them alone.
After that night that happened years ago when Aether snapped next to him and cried for hours, he told him that he never really had someone to listen to him.
Xiao promised him that from now on, he'll have someone.
And it's been like that ever since.