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Rain felt like he was falling apart, like small pieces of him broke away from his body every second. But no one knew.
It was all just like he wanted it to be, like he let it play out. Rain had convinced himself he took control of the conflict present in his mind, that he wasn’t just a twig succumbing to the wind, cracking when told by the ever-coming storm. He put in the effort to make everyone, and especially Mountain, think he was doing… okay. That Swiss and Mountain together didn’t make him want to rip his hair out, that it didn’t make him scream with his face pushed into a pillow in the darkness of his room when he was supposed to sleep, wet it with his tears that just couldn’t stop coming.
His body was reacting in ways he couldn’t understand, leaving him with countless sleepless nights and emotions he wasn’t able to rid himself of. Feelings that all, in the end, resulted in red-hot anger bubbling beneath the surface and making him see white, feelings that made him want to let Swiss have it for something he deep inside knew the ghoul wasn’t to blame for. Rain was aware all he was going through was his fault only, but he felt better angry at his friend than sad and pathetic and angry at himself. It felt more manageable, to carry his heavy heart around and know its distaste for someone, but not Rain himself.
He was at his breaking point, but why exactly was it a secret he tried to hide deep inside his heart, deep enough that no one could puck it out of there even if they tried, Rain didn’t know. It was something his mind absently reminded him of, but only on a need-to-know basis. No explanation, just anger he wasn’t allowed to let go off. And since the other ghouls didn’t pry, he didn’t speak about it himself. Rain tried telling himself it was all reasonable. That the silence, nothingness, stretching out between him and his pack was something he could ignore, and they deemed normal enough. Maybe they thought he was just nervous about the upcoming tour, or simply tired. They all fell quiet at times. Rain was not quiet, but he was distant. But he never spoke much anyway, did he?
If the ghouls felt the salty oceanic taste on their tongues, borderline unpleasant, turning acidic as Rain’s mood soured, they said nothing. It was a feature of the ghouls, a downside, really, that their emotions affected their powers a lot, and along with it, the scent their elements carried. Rain’s element was a surprisingly delicate one, fitting to its master’s nature, usually filling the room with the calming smell of a gentle sea breeze, but now he felt it coursing through his veins, beyond his control, not for him to use. Water was never an easy element to operate, in its nature flowing free at its own pace, but Rain made it his friend long ago, through countless trial and error, through patience. Water needed forbearance, and Rain found that these days restraint was a concept far away, waiting on the horizon somewhere. Pulling water from around him turned out to be a task too hard to fulfil now, making Rain even angrier. Even his own element abandoned him now.
The sulphuric taste on his tongue never went away, making him feel nauseous, but he stubbornly ignored it, just as he disregarded the worried looks Aether sent his way. He wouldn’t be tempted to come to the quintessence ghoul first, he was fine, he repeated over and over again as the agitated violet eyes followed his every step. The silence was normal, he decided, just as he recalled that other ghouls didn’t need to come to him, it was Aether reaching out, the problem-solver of the issues not yet surfaced. A pang in his chest threw the question between the ghouls, why don’t you help me first? Why do I need to beg?
—
„Rain? Ragazzo mio? Where is everyone else?” Copia’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts, and with a gasp, he pinned his eyes to Papa's curvy body leaning against the door to the practice room, looking slightly confused, as he always did, really. „They’ll be late, yes?”
He inched away from his bass and nodded, handing Copia a hand as he climbed the stairs leading onto the practice room stage. The warmth of his Papa’s hand radiated onto his, and he felt just this bit better having someone’s touch on him. He was a needy, needy ghoul. For a short, feeble moment, just a second, he wanted to ask Copia to hug him. Hold his hand. Touch him. „Just a minute. Mountain, and, uh, Swiss, they had an announcement to make earlier today.” You will soon know, Papa. you haven’t been in our living part of the ministry recently. Swiss and Mountain were secret, still couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Now it will be a living, pheromonal hell. “Everyone was a bit overexcited”. And their scents mixed into a big ball of nausea, for Rain at least. They were as ecstatic as ghouls come.
Copia hummed thoughtfully, his bicoloured eyes focused on Rain. „Something, with… the scents, yes?” Rain nodded, again. He remembered Copia, freshly appointed, earnest eyes and shaky hands, scent filled with nervousness, asking about their biology. About what was that in ghouls that made them ghoulish. What was Hell like. What they were like and what they liked. Later, if they were happy with him. And it left them stunned, as there were no words to even begin explaining how perfect he was. „Yours is sour, ragazzo mio”.
“Do you dislike it? I can…” I can leave, he was about to say, only to be interrupted.
“It’s… curious. I don’t mind it at all, Rain. Just… how are you doing, my ghoul?”. The question made a bile rise in his throat, taking his breath away for a brief second. Their… His caring, beautiful Papa. He hasn’t heard that question in so long he didn’t even know how to answer. He wasn’t expecting it. He forgot that Copia noticed so much. He cared about them, without exceptions, so deeply. And he never had favourites, but also never spoke to them alone, besides band-related things. It sent a feeble pleasant thrill up his spine, having his Papa all to himself for a moment, with all his awkwardness and overpowering warmth he emanated. Rain remembered how at first Papa slowly approached them, timid and newly appointed and scared, if his human scent was anything to go by. How with the first, shaky words he began carving his way into all of their hearts, just as they occupied his. It was all about them, for Copia. Rain felt special for having this love all to himself at the moment. In Copia’s eyes, there was no pity, no fear. Just care, hints of love they all cherished. That made Rain feel like a complete asshole because he made his lovely Papa worry.
He cleared his throat, afraid no words would come out at first. „I’m okay” he croaked out, deciding on sparing Copia of his moanings. “It’s… nothing, Papa. I think I’m just tired”. It was a silly lie, and he knew his Papa saw right through it. His expression, however, didn’t change, just a hand reached out to lightly squeeze his, sharing his omnipresent warmth Rain. There was also another thing about Copia, because how much more perfect could their Papa be? He was there to just be, never to linger where he knew he wasn’t wanted. And right now, Rain didn’t want him to. Because if he asked another question, squeezed his hand just a little tighter, the ghoul would break down, all snotty, ugly sobs, glamour wearing off, claws out, tail whipping around like crazy. Even though it was probably exactly what he needed, attention, empathy, ghouls were too proud to ask for that, especially from a human.
„Rain, it’s all right. If you wish to tell me, my office is always open for you, ragazzo mio. Let’s… wait for the others, then.” With a smile, he let Rain’s hand go, shuffling away, busying himself with the microphone stand. Rain let himself breathe, steady puffs in and out, trying to distract himself from the lost warmth of Papa’s hand he immediately began to miss.
It was right then when the scents hit him. When Mountain’s scent, earthy, like soil and petrichor, reached his nose, spiked with the intoxicating tinge of cheeriness, letting Rain get a whiff of fresh and sickly sweet tree resin. When all of the ghouls’ warm, joyful scents reached his nose, almost knocking him off his feet, startling him enough to stumble back to the side of the stage, trying not to wince under Copia’s gaze that suddenly fell upon him. Papa remained quiet as the ghoul composed himself, pain settling low in his gut, watching as they all piled in through the wooden doors, all beaming smiles and strong scents and it made Rain angry because it was like they didn’t notice him sneaking out, face pale and fists tight, after he’s been done holding Mountain’s hand throughout the “talk” just like he promised he would. Didn’t notice that it made him visibly sick looking at their intertwined hands and then seeing that the other was occupied by Swiss’ big one, that Mountain was leaning towards Swiss not Rain, that at some point it was like he forgot he was even there, everyone’s cheers and a loud fucking knew it from Dewdrop making his Mountain smile like only Rain used to make him, letting his hand go to high five someone, Cirrus or Cumulus, didn’t matter, and with that, Rain left, trying to muffle the sounds of their happiness, trying not to scream, because at some point, watching the situation unfold, he became unsure if it was that he loved Mountain too much to let go or that he just felt too scared to be left alone to be actually happy for his best friends.
He realised that it made him a terrible person, and a terrible friend, because he couldn’t stop his pain from unfurling and turning into red-hot anger, nastily burning, enough to make him feel like it would be a breeze for him to pull fire straight from the inside of his body instead of the usual water, tears pushing their way into his eyes as he walked and pain pushed like countless needles through his skin.
A reverberating clap pulled him back to reality, out of the darkening depths of his mind, just as everyone was settling into place with their instruments, and to not seem, and feel, out of place he carelessly pulled his bass off the stand, pulling the strap over his head and standing up tall, even though the weight of the instrument was biting into his shoulders enough to make him want to slump, even sit down. He felt weak. The scents, soft enough that they didn’t bother Copia but still potent enough that to the water ghoul’s delicate nose they were too much, making vomit crawl up the back of his throat even though he skipped breakfast today. He swallowed it down as Copia started talking them through today’s plan, and as much as Rain wanted to listen, to be a good ghoul, he knew he would have to rely on muscle memory to get him through today’s rehearsal.
—
Muscle memory was not enough. The scents didn’t wane, making him continuously sick and lightheaded, deepening the sting of his realisation that he was a terrible person. He didn’t know why it always made him as angry as it did, but watching Mountain and Swiss occupy the same corner of the little stage, basically eye-fucking each other, made him want to scream and grab Mountain by his shoulders, shaking him violently because why are you leaving me alone, when I love you so much. Rain kept making mistakes, like a fool, his fingers slipping, strings not playing the way they should. It came to the point where during „Kaisarion” Copia stopped them all with a wince and a meaningful cough, the room, immediately silent, still echoing the chord Rain misplayed.
Before Papa could say something, before he even managed to fully open his mouth, Rain dropped the bass on the stand and tensed. “Papa, I… five minutes. Please”. And without waiting for an actual answer, which he would most likely later regret, because obedience is key, he was out the door, almost running down the corridor, not stopping until he piled in through the bathroom door, immediately leaning his whole weight on the marble sink. His claws, now out, became apparent to him as they scratched against the sink with an unpleasant screech. His gasps filled the silence of the room as he attempted to catch a breath, not yet free of the potent scents, remains of it lingering on his clothes and swirling around in his nose.
Rain, ever since he saw Mountain and Swiss together, has been going through things he wasn’t able to understand. And his response to not understanding was covering them up. He couldn’t even begin to explain the whirlwind of emotions that has been surging through him, swapping from anger to desperation to sadness in milliseconds. Rain was great at many things - he could cheer people up and comfort them as no one could - except, of course, Aether, - he was an amazing listener, a great hugger - but understanding his own emotions was something still far beyond his reach, no matter how much time he spent upside. It seemed like such a feeble, humanly thing, feeling things. Rain, at moments, felt like an extremely weak ghoul, too human to be a proper hellish creature. He was easily swayed, the littlest of things could get to him, and to appear in control of his own life, at least, his response has always been simply ignoring it, pretending that the issues would get resolved on their own, in the depths of his clouded mind and racing heart. And Rain, as stubborn as he was, could make himself believe it worked. It usually worked. It was all going wrong, now. All different. Maybe it was because it was Mountain. Maybe because he wasn’t used to being alone. And now, with Swiss practically attached at the hip with the other ghoul, Rain felt more alone than ever. Seeing them together was beyond him. He was a terrible friend, he once again realised. He was a bad person, not being happy that someone he thought he loved was happy. He was selfish. He was weak.
He didn’t even realise when tears started escaping his eyes. He didn’t note the moment his chest tightened, when his breaths became short, panicky pants instead of the deep breaths he tried to establish in his lungs. His knees were trembling, heavy shoulders threatening to make his hands give out from under him. The world was spinning around him, going faster and faster and faster until arms wrapped around him and he could finally catch his breath, and he did so like a man starved. Aether. He could recognise quintessence when it hit him. He didn’t need to look into the mirror to know it was said ghoul standing behind him, but he still forced his head up as he finally regained control of his body, meeting bright violet eyes with his own grey-blue.
He forgot how strong the quintessence ghoul was, how overpowering the element. It scared him how suddenly calm he felt, how quiet and peaceful. He forgot how silent his mind could get. It was so serene in there it made him tear up again. “Fuck, sorry, Rainy. Overdid it, but I panicked, fuck…” Aether let him go, and the silence was no more. There was a dull pain in his chest again, a hum in his mind and thoughts. He leaned his whole body on the sink, flinching away from the other’s touch when the ghoul reached for Rain again. “Look at me, please. Just once more”.
He couldn’t. Shame burned hot on his cheeks and pulsed under his skin. Bile rose in his throat and this time he felt desperate to get it out, his body wanted it out, making him rapidly turn his whole body and stumble into one of the cubicles, body doubling over the bowl. Even though he has not eaten, his body shook with tremors as he retched mucus from his stomach, staining the toilet black. The hands were on him again, and this time they came without the sweet release of quintessence. It was just Aether and his warmth, soothing palms along his back, gathering the hair off his face.
“I’m so sorry. So sorry, Rainy”. Rain didn’t even register his body stopping to hurl, but the cold wetness he could feel made him realise his body was now being wrecked with sobs. “Hey, cry it out. Yeah. Shh”. A head rested against him, a warm body pressing into his hunched one.
Crying brought little solace to the storm that was his soul, but it was the first time in weeks Rain pulled water from within himself.