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“Douglas? What’s wrong?” Martin asked after Douglas had refused to be touched all day and not just when they were in public (which normally didn’t bother Douglas too)
“Nothing. Just having a bad day”
“I’ve seen your bad days. What’s different about today?” On bad days Douglas would stare at a decanter of apple juice for hours and be aggressive. He wouldn’t withdraw and not be touched. Being close to people normally helped and didn’t make the problem worse.
“I can’t tell you. It’s private.”
“Douglas! Look at me” Martin pleaded fighting the urge to touch him. When Douglas more or less looked up he continued “We might not have been going out for long but we’ve been colleagues for years. What makes you think you can’t tell me?”
“I don’t want to lose you!”
“You won’t lose me. I’m with you till the end of the line!”
“Evidence suggests otherwise!”
“What evidence?”
“It resulted in the failings of at least one of my marriages”
Martin didn’t want to argue with Douglas not when he was like this. Deflecting everything that was said but he had to get through to him somehow. Leaving Douglas in this mood wasn’t an option. This thing was affecting Douglas more deeply than Martin had thought, he had to get to the bottom of this.
“Seeing as I’m not one of your ex-wives and according to you nothing like any of them. Try me!” Martin challenged.
“You have to promise me one thing! Be honest with me. I couldn’t bear to find out you are hating me behind my back.” Douglas said with a desperate note in his voice
“When have I ever been able to lie to you, the great Douglas Richardson” Martin tried to loosen the tension but he saw how Douglas stiffened at that “I won’t lie I promise! Just tell me please. I don’t like how things are right now”
“Ok…” Douglas trailed off. Now finally really looking at Martin. Martin looked back trying not to betray the anxiety that bubbled underneath the surface for whatever Douglas might tell him.
“This is really hard…” Douglas started again.
Martin had never seen Douglas so unsure of himself. But he was not going to give up and leave Douglas in this mood because of his own anxiety.
“I’m genderfluid” Douglas said so fast and so silent Martin almost missed it.
Living in a student house for the better part of his adulthood Martin knew many words most people didn’t. This was one of them luckily. He could spare Douglas the pain of elaborating.
“OK. So how is today different than the last 4 months we have been dating?”
Douglas looked at him like he had answered in the most impossible way. He probably had. Nobody expected the stuck-up little ginger airline captain to be open about stuff.
After a minute the shocked look on Douglas’ face was gone only to be replaced by confusion. He probably had all those explanations in his head none of which were prepared for Martin knowing what genderfluid meant.
“Hasn’t been that bad in a while” Douglas murmured.
“What has? Dysphoria?” Martin answered. His resolve to let Douglas explain on his own terms.
Douglas just nodded.
“Is there any way I can help?”
“I don’t know. Never got this far in my thinking” Douglas admitted truthfully. “Never reached this stage with anyone”
“How about we go downstairs and I’ll cook something? And if you can think of things I can do for you, you tell me?” Martin said holding out his hand hoping Douglas would grab it or at least get up and follow him.
“OK” Douglas was smiling now. He grabbed Martin’s hand and instead of just pulling himself up he propelled himself into Martin’s arms, hugging him tightly almost picking Martin up.
“Thank you!!”