Work Text:
It was important in Derek's mind that everyone understood that this new musical project he was a part of was not 'his new band'. His band were not disbanded, he maintained, they were merely on hiatus. This was simply a one-off project. Local musicians collaborating. What was he supposed to do? He was a musician and, moreover, an eldest child. He was like Tinker Belle, Skyler had explained to the family at dinner time, he simply needed applause to live. He didn't object to that statement.
What he did have an objection towards was the speed and rapidity with which his step-sister (the woman he lived with and raised children with and generally was as involved with as it was possible to be with someone without being involved) had started dating his new guitarist, Sebastian.
When this possibility was broached one week ago, Derek told her that he'd thought that she might need more time to move on from Peter, her ex-husband, based on the things she'd said. Then she told him that she didn't understand why he (Derek) had a problem with it given that he had been encouraging her to move on and go on dates just a few days prior. Then Derek said that he hadn't meant with his bandmate. Then Casey said that she thought Sebastian wasn't his bandmate but rather 'an associate for a short-term musical project'. Then Derek said that he didn't think Sebastian was even her type, given that Casey was a barrister and that most of Seb's work experience was as a barista. Then their sister, Lizzie, who had been visiting for that Sunday dinner, lectured him on his prejudice against the working class and proceeded to point out that there is no such thing as the middle class anyway and we're really all working class unless you're, like, the King of England, and that Derek should really develop some class consciousness. Skyler had nodded feverishly in agreement, Casey nodded more timidly and everyone all came to the tacit conclusion that Derek was being a dick about this. So Derek had sort of shrugged, admitted Seb was a decent guy (he really didn't know him at all but Seb hadn't killed anyone in Derek's presence so that was a start) and that he really couldn't stop Casey from doing what she wanted to do.
Luca, Casey's son, pushed his peas around his plate and said nothing. Poor boy. He was still clearly rooting for his parents to get back together. A possibility that was becoming fainter with each passing day, since his dad had moved in with his new girlfriend and Casey was finally 'moving on'. Molly and Kai, Casey's other kids, just thought it was cool that Seb was 'in a band'. Derek pointed out again that this wasn't a band, it was a musical experiment. Skyler rolled her eyes and Lizzie asked Skyler if her father had introduced her to any Marx. Derek said he had, actually. Casey interjected by pointing out that the Marx brothers didn't count.
So, a few weeks passed and Casey dated Sebastian and Derek and Sebastian played in not-a-band together and it was all going just great until Sebastian, after one of their rehearsals, approached Derek.
“I've written another song,” Sebastian said and thrust a page of sheet music and lyrics into his hand. “Do you think it's any good?”
Derek read the lyrics. “Yeah, it's fine.”
Sebastian shoulders relaxed. “I showed it to the other guys and they thought it was good too. So, we can play it, right?”
“Sure, I don't see why not.”
“Okay and it's in your vocal range, right?”
“Oh, I'm not singing it,” Derek replied quickly. “It's about Casey, right?”
“She is the person I'm seeing. So, yeah.”
“Yeah, no. I'm definitely not singing it then.”
“Look, I realize it might be a bit awkward for you because you're her brother -”
“- Step-brother.”
“Exactly. You're her step-brother, it's not that weird. It's not like you have to think of her when you sing it. Think of some girl who you're actually into. Who do you usually think of when you sing the love songs?”
Derek put his head in his hands with a dramatic sigh.
Sebastian carried on. “Who is that girl you're seeing – Carly wasn't it?”
Derek made a mental note to text Carly back because he was pretty sure he'd accidentally ghosted her. Then he said, “it's your song, why can't you sing it?”
“Derek, I can't sing,” Sebastian responded.
“Well, I barely can and that rarely stops me,” he countered.
“Derek, please. You're our lead singer. Casey means a lot to me. This is the best song I've ever written -”
Derek grimaced internally because the truth was the song was just mid.
“- you've sung the songs I wrote about Ruby. And the songs Catalina wrote about Ray. It doesn't have to be weird unless you make it weird. So, what do you think?”
Derek narrowed his eyes at Sebastian and in a rare moment of unguarded sincerity, responded from the depths of his heart. “I think this is the bad place. I think I did something to offend God. Or something heinous in a past life. I think I'm in hell. You -”, he pointed at Sebastian, “- have to tell me if you're a demon and I'm actually in hell. I think that's part of the rules.”
Casey shut the front door loudly, loud enough to make Derek jump. He didn't jump.
“Hi home, you're honey,” he stated, not looking up from his car magazine. “How was your date with Seb?”
“Derek...”, she began as she hung her coat up on the coat-rack. “... are the kids in bed?”
“Yeah.”
“They're all washed? Teeth brushed?”
“Yeah and yeah.”
“Did you read a story to Molly?”
“I did one better, I made up a story for Molly.”
“Okay, good. My date was fine, thanks for asking.”
She came over to perch at the end of the sofa, the sofa Derek was sprawled all over.
“Although,” she started, “Seb did tell me that he asked you to sing the song he wrote me and you said no. He's not really happy about that.”
Derek set down the magazine. “Wait, so you're telling me that you want me to sing that song?”
“It'll mean a lot to Seb, Derek. He's really proud of it. It would mean a lot to me as well.”
He stood up and made for the kitchen. “I'm going to make some tea. Do you want some?”
She followed him. “You know I don't drink caffeine after 3pm”.
“I know, I bought some chamomile tea.”
“Who are you and what have you done with the real Derek? … Some chamomile would be lovely... But, seriously, Derek. I do think you should sing his song. It doesn't have to be weird unless you make it weird.” She sat down on one of the kitchen island stools.
“Mhmmm,” he replied unhelpfully as he riffled through the cabinets for mugs.
“C'mon, Derek. How is this any different from the time I sung your song for Sally in high school? Or the time I sung your song for Alex in college? … I didn't do that because I liked them like that, y'know.”
Derek set two mugs on the table. “You kinda had a crush on Sally,” he stated.
“In your dreams!”
He turned away from her to fill the kettle up with water. “You realize you managed to imply two completely different things in the space of two sentences? … I thought you'd be dead set against this.”
“I really don't see the problem.”
Derek flipped the switch on the kettle and then turned around to face her. “So you're totally fine with me – meeeee -”, he said gesticulating wildly at himself, “- singing a romantic song about you – youuuuuu,” he added, gesticulating wildly at her.
“It's not your song,” she rejoined.
He glowered at her gloomily. “But you said you see me as your brother, right? How would you feel if Edwin sung a romantic song for Lizzie, that would be weird, right?”
Casey's eyes stared off into the middle-distance as she got caught in a memory. “He did. He sung 'My Heart Will Go On' at her wedding, remember? That wasn't weird and awkward -”
“- Yes, it was!”
“Okay, yes it was! But that's only because he can't sing, not for any other reason.”
“Skyler asked me to pay for therapy after his performance.”
She grimaced with the recollection. “The difference is you can sing.”
“I'm sorry, Casey,” he told her as he hunted for spoons. “Whenever I think about doing it, I can physically feel my skin crawling and my stomach doing somersaults and the bile gathering at the back of my throat.”
“Okay, so you don't want to do it because you find me completely repulsive. Fine.”
He groaned and glared at her. “No – Casey – you know you look... fine,” he said in a level sort of way. “You're just making it confused, like I knew you would. This song is about Seb's feelings towards you but you're acting like my refusal means I have some sort of problem with you and it has nothing to do with that.”
“So, what's the problem? You've sung songs which Catalina wrote about Ray, songs Damien wrote about Tristan, Sam wrote about Rachel... I could go on. I mean I'd get it if you thought of me as your sister but you said you don't -”
The kettle whistled as Derek scowled. “- I'll go back on that if it gets me out of singing the song.”
“But would it be true?” she inquired, wide-eyed.
“No. Look, isn't it weird because you think of me as a brother?”
“Oh – I don't. Not anymore. Not since you told me that you think of me more as a friend that you were forced to live when you were fifteen. Since I am your friend and you are my friend and Tristan was your friend and Ray is your friend, I figure it's all the same thing, right?”
“Casey, you argue for a job. Why do you feel the need to argue for a hobby as well?” he moaned.
She smiled. “It's good practice. I think I've made my point.”
“Hmmm.”
“I think you just don't want to say anything nice about me. Even if it is in the context of singing Seb's song.”
“That's not true!” he protested. “I can say nice things about you.”
“Oh yeah?”
“You have nice eyes. Now shut the fuck up.”
“Everyone has nice eyes,” Casey replied. “That's what eyes are for, being nice.”
“I hope you taught your kids that eyes are for seeing. But what would you rather I do?” he said as he let his eyes stray purposefully to the slit in her dress which exposed a tasteful, fourth-date like amount of cleavage. “Aim my compliments lower?”
“No!”
“Oh, you think that's awkward don't you? Well, just you wait until I sing a whole love song about you.”
Casey clasped her hands together in joy and let out a high pitched shriek. “Oh, Derek you'll do it?”
She started jumping up and down and moved over towards him and kissed him on the cheek. He reflexively recoiled.
“Yes, I'll sing Sebastian's fucking song about you. Fuck.”
“Derek you're the best brother – I mean step-brother – I mean, oh you know what I mean!”
“I really don't, I never fucking do!”
“Sebastian is going to be so grateful. I'm so grateful! Please don't swear!”
“Why not? The children aren't here!”
As if on cue, Molly's peeked her little face out from behind the kitchen counter. Derek and Casey jolted.
“What's a fudging song?” Molly asked, curling her hair innocently around a finger.
“Nevermind that -” said Casey, “- you should be in bed.”
“But Derek was telling me a story. I want to find out what happened next with the princess and the ogre.”
“You want to find out what happened next with the ogre?” Derek asked, taking a step towards Molly.
Molly nodded.
Derek scrunched up his face and raised his hands over his head menacingly. He bounded towards Molly.
“The ogre eats the naughty girl who should be in her bed!”
Molly ran off, squealing in delight as Derek chased after her.
“Be quiet you two!” Casey exclaimed after them, with no real bite.
Then she poured herself some chamomile tea, took a couple of sips and noticed that, for the first time in a long time, she felt really... happy.
It happened more and more rarely these days but Derek sometimes found that he would get a bit stage-sick before going out to perform. Safe to say, he was used to being hunched over a loo, vomiting, only to wipe himself up, dust himself down and get out there on stage and sing his heart out. This was not a brand new experience to him. What was a brand new experience for him was feeling the urge to vomit during rehearsals. Rehearsals in which he had to sing Sebastian's songs – because now there were plural songs – for Casey.
Everyone else in the experiment thought that the rehearsals were going well and that they should totally premiere Sebastian's songs at their next live show. Derek briefly considered moving to Bermuda. Casey was going to be at the next show and that was totally fine and cool, of course, and she was so excited and the kids were excited and everyone was excited and Derek also had butterflies in his stomach. Or possibly bats. Maybe elephants.
One Thursday afternoon, he was driving Skyler home from debate club when he felt the sudden urge to ask Sky, for no particular reason, if she ever felt like the whole of life was some sick, twisted joke played by a cruel, sadistic god.
Sky replied that yes, she did. That was part of the queer experience, as far as she was concerned. Derek admitted that was fair enough. He offered to make her one of her favourite foods (lasagna) for dinner as recompense for bringing her into a world run by such a pernicious deity.
It was the second to last rehearsal before their first show. Things were going okay. Everyone was mainly in key and the pizza they ordered had extra pepperoni and Derek had found a cure for an upset stomach that was really working for him (drink a shit ton of ginger tea).
Then Casey walked into the rehearsal space and set down her black handbag on one of the fold-up chairs set in-front of the stage.
“Casey!!!! What are you doing here?!” Derek exclaimed. “Who is watching the kids?”
Casey made for Sebastian, embraced him and pressed a kiss against his cheek.
“I got Simon to do it, I texted you,” she told Derek.
“Simon?!!! Why??? Are you curious about what the house would look like if it burnt to a crisp? And you know I have my phone switched off during rehearsals.”
“Relax,” Casey responded. “Luca's finished skating so he's picking Sky up from roller derby and they'll be home soon so Simon will have someone to watch him too. It's all taken care of.”
Derek shifted uncomfortably.
Seb wrapped an arm around Casey and, looking at Derek, he said, “I asked her to eat dinner with me later.”
Derek thought about quipping something about how Sebastian had already eaten enough pizza but he thought better of it.
“I hope that's okay with you,” Seb continued.
Derek suddenly became very busy fiddling with knobs on an amplifier. “Of course it's okay with me,” he mumbled. “Why wouldn't it be okay with me?”
“Casey's really excited to hear the songs I wrote about her. Aren't you?”
Casey nodded. “Hmm, yes. Yes, I am.”
Derek thought about complaining that they had already rehearsed those songs already. Instead, he gave a put-upon sigh.
“I'm so glad you finally get to hear them, muffin,” said Seb.
Casey sat down in a fold-up chair and crossed her left leg over her right leg. “Me too... my... Seb,” she responded, in a manner that Derek couldn't help but notice was a little strained.
Derek slunk his guitar around his frame and stepped up to to the mic. He turned his head round to check if the band – musical experiment – were ready to play.
“Let's take it from the top with 'I Will Wait For You', yeah?” Seb suggested.
“Okay, are we ready people?” Derek asked.
Sebastian nodded like an eager puppy. Cat and Ray nodded with less enthusiasm. Derek looked at Casey who was looking at Sebastian and then she was looking to him and then back to Sebastian and then back to Derek and she was biting her lip and chewing her nails and Derek exhaled and promised to whatever deities might be that he would be good.
“Let's hit it!” he cried.
The drums started pounding faintly and the guitars strung out and Derek took a deep breath and took one last look at Casey before opening his mouth to sing -
- and then Casey ran out the room.
Derek ran after her. Sebastian ran after her.
Cat and Ray turned to each other, shrugged and then decided to make out with each other.
From the bathrooms, Derek heard the familiar sound of retching. He walked into the bathroom and grabbed some tissues from a stall. He found the stall that Casey was in and greeted her with a polite, 'hey' and a tap on the shoulders before he crouched and set about holding her hair back at she puked.
“This makes a nice change,” he mused. “We always did this the other way round in college.”
“Happy days,” she responded bitterly.
He dabbed around her mouth with a tissue. “You think you're done?”
As if on cue, Seb appeared at the cubicle door. Casey vomited some more.
“You know,” said Derek. “I'm trying quite hard not to take offense.”
“It's not about you”, Sebastian said. “Casey doesn't want to hear my song because she's not really into me. Right, Casey?”
Derek flinched at the suggestion that not everything was about him.
“Look, Sebastian, you're a great guy it's just I don't think –” she retched. “- that we should be having this conversation right now.” She retched again.
“I knew it!” Sebastian wailed. “I knew something was off.”
“This is by far the worst break-up I've ever had,” Casey muttered into the toilet bowl.
“We're breaking up??” Sebastian cried. “I thought maybe we could work on – you know what? Nevermind! I can take a hint. I don't want to be just your rebound. Bye Casey.”
Then, without further ado, Seb walked out of the bathroom and Casey's love life.
Casey sat back up straight and affixed her weak, watery eyes on Derek.
“I'm sorry,” she said. “It really isn't about you.”
He balked. “But I thought everything was about me!”
“Thanks for holding my hair back. And I shouldn't have pressured you into singing that song. It's all very well for me to tell you that you never say anything nice about me but I never really say anything nice about you either, to be honest. So, Derek, in case I haven't said it before... I love you.”
He wiped more of the sick away from her mouth with one hand and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear with the other. Then, under the harsh fluorescent lights of the women's bathroom which made everyone look at least 15 years older than they were, he allowed himself to say something he had always wanted to say in this context and to Casey, specifically.
“I know.”
She looked into his eyes very deeply and gave a small half smile.
“Although -”, he carried on, hardly able to contain himself, “- technically telling someone you love them isn't really a compliment so much as it is a statement of feeling.”
“Derek! Why are you like this?” she cried as she gently butted her head against his shoulders in vexation. But even as she berated him she was smiling too and Derek thought that was something.
Sebastian wasn't too happy about the break-up and he tried to get Derek to sing some songs about a bitch who had broken his heart. Sebastian swore they weren't about Casey but Derek swore that he was lying and that the musical experiment would sing these songs 'over his dead body'. Since Derek had the star power and Cat and Ray were both ardent feminists, Derek's veto passed and they improvised a ten minute ode to the redemptive power of dance to fill the space in the set list where the Casey songs would have gone.
Their debut show went fine all things considered. A few of Derek's fans reckoned he'd sold out with this new musical direction and he thought about posting on his socials and telling them that actually he was getting paid a whole lot less and he was only playing live for the love of it and no he wasn't abandoning his old band even though it really looked like for all intents and purposes he had. He thought better of it. He went home early.
“How did the show go?” Casey asked him when he got home.
“Good,” he replied.
“How's Sebastian?”
“Bad.”
“He's not still mad at me, is he?”
“Of course he is.”
“You're not going to tell Peter about this, are you?”
Derek squirmed. “No, I'm not going to.”
“You already have, haven't you?”
“Yeah, yeah I have.”
“Der-ek!” she cried.
“Now, come on. In fairness, he found it funny.”
“In fairness, how is that fair?”
“Okay, look at it this way. He was my roommate in college. We're bonded for life. We're blood brothers. That's gotta count for something. What can you expect?”
“And I'm your step-sister. That's got to count for something.”
“Oh, are you? I was wondering what was going on with our parents,” he rejoined as he forcefully moved her legs from the sofa and sat down in the space he'd made for himself.
She tutted. “Did you even explain to Sebastian that what happened happened because I had a bad curry that night?”
“I did.”
“Did he buy it?”
“No, because he said the plan had been to take you to dinner.”
“Ah. I see. I should have thought of a better lie. Or you should have thought of a better lie for me.”
“Setting such a good example for the kids -”
“- the kids aren't here.”
“So,” he began, “what was the real reason?”
She frowned before grabbing a cushion and placed it on his lap. Then she lay her head on the cushion and Derek thought it was a very strange thing to do so casually and quickly and she'd never laid her head on his lap before and he would have remembered if she had. She looked up at him from where she lay (in his lap!!! - which again, he felt the need to remind himself, was not normal). Then she took one of his hands in her own and sighed.
“I don't know, Derek. I'm sorry. Something about the situation just felt very wrong and just off. I can't put my finger on it,” she said, tracing shapes on the palm of his hand with a finger, as if that helped her make her point.
He didn't dare move.
She tilted her head towards the TV. “Wanna watch a movie?” she asked.
He flicked his eyes to the screen and regarded a freeze frame from some nineties/ early noughties chick flick. “Sure,” he agreed, not really feeling a massive desire to move.
Skyler came out from the kitchen.
“Hey, Sky,” Casey called out to her. “Do you want to watch a movie with us?”
“No, thanks,” Skyler responded as she traipsed up the stairs. “I'm not really in the mood for Clueless.”
“It's not Clueless, it's Legally Blonde,” Casey said, more for Derek's benefit than Sky's as she had moved away from earshot quickly. “Kids these days. No respect for the classics.”
Casey looked up at him with her blue, clear eyes which were honestly above average as far as eyes went and he said, in as quick and as quiet and as casual a way as he could muster, more for his own benefit than hers, “I love you.”
She didn't respond, just sort of smiled, turned her head away and hit play on the remote. Then, as Elle's shitty boyfriend broke up with her, she squeezed his hand just a little bit tighter.