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If you had told a thirteen-year-old Nick Nelson that he would be googling an am i gay quiz just three years after he kissed the prettiest girl he knew, he probably would’ve thought you were taking the piss. That just doesn’t sound like something he would ever think about doing.
He knew he wasn’t gay. He knew he liked girls! But he also knew that there was a reason he made sure he didn’t type too loud lest he woke his mum. As he read over each of the questions, his mind continued to wander to jet black curls and blue eyes.
Charlie.
His best friend.
They had been friends for a few months and Nick liked to think, no, Nick knew that Charlie was his absolute best friend in the world. But he also knew that there had to be something different when it came to their friendship. He didn’t want to be around his other mates as much as he wanted to be around Charlie.
He shook his head, not letting his mind linger on what that meant any longer and turned his attention back to his laptop, his eyes carefully going over each question. His fingers hovered over his mouse before answering. It seemed like hours before he was on the last question, but in reality, it had only been a few minutes. Nick held his breath as he submitted the online quiz, waiting for the result.
62% Homosexual.
Nick felt hot all over. He swallowed thickly before bringing his bottom lip to his mouth and nibbling on it slowly. He blinked once, unaware that he had been close to tears the entire time until a single tear had made its way down his cheek. He gently slammed his laptop shut and sat it to the side.
Nick didn’t want to think about what this meant. He was too scared to admit that the quiz was just a stupid online test because he was absolutely terrified that the stupid online test was actually right. He didn’t need a random computer quiz to tell him that he isn’t heterosexual, did he? He had liked girls before. Tara Jones was his first crush and his first kiss and that was worth something… right?
Shit.
Nick took a shaky breath and grabbed his iPhone. 22:49 . Charlie was probably still awake right now, he thought to himself as he unlocked the iphone and pulled up his message thread with the younger boy.
Nick Nelson (22: 49)
You wouldn’t still be awake would you?
Charlie Spring (22:51)
i would be, surprisingly
Nick Nelson (22:52)
Can’t sleep either?
Charlie Spring (22:54)
no not really
?you can’t sleep? everything okay
Nick Nelson (22:55)
Yeah! Why wouldn’t it be?
Charlie Spring (22:56)
just curious
you’re answering really fast is all
you only do that when somethings on your mind lol
Nick Nelson (22:56)
Oh. Do I really? Sorry
I do have a question for you actually
Charlie Spring (22:57)
firstly why are you apologising when you banned that word nicholas
?and secondly, oh
Nick Nelson (22:58)
Do you wanna come round my house again this weekend?
Charlie Spring (22:58)
.oh
you know i’ll never say no to getting to see sarah nelson
😉
Nick Nelson (23:01)
Please don’t wink when mentioning my mum you weirdo😭😭
Charlie Spring (23:02)
😉😉😉😉😉😉
see you (and ur mum!) saturday x
Saturday was two days from now. This meant Nick had forty-eight hours to get his shit together and figure out why the thought of Charlie coming over made him a lot happier than it probably should have.
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The next two days were, for the most part, uneventful. He went to school, came home, and most importantly did not think about that BuzzFeed quiz. He talked to Charlie like he did every day, and did not think about how much he enjoyed being with him. He did not think about how every one of the questions on the BuzzFeed quiz could be related to how he felt about his best friend. Nope, not at all. Nick Nelson was absolutely not thinking about that. At all.
Friday night, he and his mum sat down to watch a movie together, something they’ve done since he was in primary school. It was one of his favourite things to do, if he’s being honest. He loved his mum, so unlike most sixteen-year-olds, he enjoyed spending time with her.
“What movie are we watching tonight, Nicky?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” He did know what he wanted to watch. He had spent an hour looking for the best LGBT movie to watch. It wasn’t a thing or anything. He just— He wanted to be supportive. Of the LGBT. Because his best friend was gay. That’s all. Not because he was fairly certain that the silly online quiz was right and he was not one hundred percent straight like he always thought until he met Charlie.
“Oh! How about Pirates of the Caribbean? That’s a classic.”
Nick swallowed and nodded at his mum. “Yeah, sure.”
She smiled at him and went to pop the dvd in.
“Remember when you watched this like every summer?”
“It was not every summer.” He said simply and she laughed.
“It definitely was. I could quote it word for word. I just knew it was because you loved Keira Knightley.”
“Mum. Please stop talking.”
Once the movie started, the two of them fell into a comfortable silence, both of their eyes glued to the screen.
And then, without any warning, that feeling was back. Nick begged it to go away, but Orlando Bloom was on the screen and he knew it was pointless. His mum wasn’t wrong when she said he loved Keira Knightley, but now, Nick was almost certain that she wasn’t the only reason he watched that movie four times in one day a few summers previously.
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Saturday morning Nick was a nervous wreck as he waited for Charlie to get there. He had done more research, okay let’s be honest, he googled a lot. And he was even more confused than he was before. He knew that he liked girls. A lot. Except now he wasn’t sure if it was only girls.
And that was a thought Nick had been too scared to process before. Even now he wasn’t sure if he wanted to admit that to anyone, let alone himself. Admitting it made it real, and Nick was terrified.
He pulled his shirt over his head and looked in the mirror. Will Charlie notice that he didn’t sleep much last night because his anxiety was in full force thinking about him coming over today? He hoped not.
He could do this, it was just Charlie. His friend. His best friend. Everything was going to be fine. He shook his thoughts away and finished getting ready.
“Nicky! Come to the kitchen when you have a moment, please” He heard her call from downstairs. Nick had just finished brushing his teeth when he made his way to the kitchen, where he saw his mum and Charlie chatting.
“Alright mum, he’s here to hang out with me, not gossip about shitty reality television,” Nick teased and held a hand out for Charlie.
Charlie took it without a second thought and fuck.
That feeling was back in the pit of his stomach again. The one that he got two days ago that he tried his best to ignore. The one he had gotten this morning that he had told himself was nothing. But now, with Charlie’s hand in his, it was like electricity shooting through his veins. Nick swore that he felt a jolt the moment he felt Charlie’s smooth skin against his palm. He quickly dropped his hand almost immediately after he took it and tried to ignore the pained expression from Charlie. What the fuck did that even mean? Why did he feel this way?
“Oh, alright, alright.” His mum tsked and brought his attention back to the two of them. “Are you staying over, Charlie?” His mum smiled at him and the younger boy blanched, his eyes widened then moved from her to Nick.
“Oh, I’m not sure? I didn’t ask my mum so I don’t—”
“That’s quite alright, I can just phone her quickly and ask myself. I’m sure she won’t mind.” She stood up and placed a reassuring hand on Charlie’s shoulder and squeezed gently.
Exasperated and honestly a bit confused Nick groaned, “Mum. Can we go to my room now?”
Charlie didn’t say anything, but his face still held that look it did when Nick let go of his hand. He shifted his weight from one side of his body to the other as he awkwardly looked around the kitchen, as if waiting for permission to leave it.
“Go on then.” Sarah laughed softly and turned to leave the room.
“God.” Nick ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. “Sorry, you know how she is.”
Nick watched as Charlie opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He closed it for a second and then opened it again. “You know I’m just here for your mum and your dogs right?” The mischievous glint was back in his eye as a winsome smile spread across his face, his dimples on full show.
Th older boy blinked at him slowly, watching as he knelt down to pet Nellie who was now at his feet as if she knew Charlie was talking about her.
“And where is Henry, hmm?” Charlie asked the border collie who licked his palm in response.
Charlie glanced up at Nick, that radiant smile still on his face.
“Idiot.” He rolled his eyes fondly and smiled back at him.
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒⠀
A few hours later and many snacks later, the two boys found themselves on Nick's floor, leaning up against his bed. They were scrolling through movie options on his laptop because his mom, bless her, did in fact ask Jane if Charlie could stay over, and she had actually agreed.
“I have absolutely no idea how your mum convinced mine to let me stay on short notice like this, but remind me to give her a kiss.”
Nick felt that feeling again. Thinking about Charlie. And kissing. Which is weird because Charlie was talking about kissing his mum as a joke, but the pit was in his stomach again. That little bit of nerves he kept trying to push out of his body.
“You want to kiss… my mum?” Nick asked and Charlie gave him a quizzical stare.
“It’s… a figure of speech, Nick. Are you alright?”
Was he alright? He knew what Charlie had meant but that didn’t stop his brain from betraying him and flashing the results of that stupid online quiz he took in his mind. Over and over and over again.
“Yeah,” He whispered. “I’m fine.”
Charlie hummed and didn’t say anything, simply shifted his body a bit closer.
“Nick.”
“Yeah?”
“You’re a shit liar in general, but an even worse one to me.” Charlie let out a light chuckle and Nick’s heart clenched.
“…Char?”
“Yeah?” His reply to Nick came out in a whisper, much like Nick’s own voice had.
Nick felt his heartbeat pick up in his chest, a buzzing sound blocked out all other noise in the background of his bedroom as he looked at his best friend. He opened his mouth, but it was like his brain couldn’t form a coherent sentence for him to get out.
“I…” Nick inhaled a shaky breath and his tongue darted out to run along his bottom lip before he pulled it into his mouth, gnawing on it. A nervous habit he picked up in his youth. He watched as Charlie followed the action closely.
“I think I want to kiss someone.”
Charlie didn’t say anything for a second. He was looking at Nick with confusion in his eyes.
“Because I told you jokingly I was going to kiss your mum?”
“No,” He didn’t know how to explain what he meant. He didn’t even know exactly what he meant. He just kept thinking about how every time he and his mum had watched Pirates of the Caribbean, the most recent time included, he couldn’t stop staring at Orlando Bloom. Or how when Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan kissed he didn’t know which of them he wanted to be more.
Nick closed his eyes and let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in. Then, “A boy.”
“What?”
“I want to kiss a boy.”
Charlie swallowed. Then, Nick watched as the other boy nodded slowly and his expression became unreadable.
Charlie’s mouth opened once. Twice. Three times with no sound coming out before finally, “You do?”
Nick knew he would never judge him or make him feel like this was something that was wrong. Charlie himself was gay, for fucks sake. So why did he feel so anxious while he waited for his best friend to say something?
Charlie didn’t speak, though. Nick was just about to turn to him and apologise for being so intrusive and dumping all of his feelings onto him, when he felt Charlie’s pinky tentatively lay on top of his. A gentle ghosting of skin on skin.
Nick turned so sharply he was sure his neck would snap, his eyes wide with shock, confusion, and curiosity.
“Um.”
Charlie didn’t say anything, he hadn’t said anything in what seemed like forever, but in reality had probably only been a few minutes. What he didn’t say however, he made up with his actions.
Nick felt Charlie’s pinky link around his own, he probably wouldn’t have noticed the subtle change at all had he not been looking down at their now interlocked fingers. What did this mean? Was Charlie just taking the piss because of what Nick had told him? No, that couldn’t be it. Charlie wouldn’t do that.
“Nick,” Charlie’s voice broke him out of his own thoughts, but he couldn’t take his eyes off their hands. It would be so simple to just… turn his hand over to interlock all of their fingers, not just their pinkies.
“Nick?” His friend tried again, speaking up more than he had previously.
He didn’t know what was happening. He could feel his hands get clammy, something that has only ever happened once before (that he can remember), and that was when he was thirteen and about to kiss his friend, Tara Jones. He knew why he felt the way he did then, he was so sure that he really liked Tara when they were kids. That doesn’t explain why the feeling had returned now, though, nearly three years later. With his friend Charlie. His best friend, actually. There wasn’t a logical explanation for the sweaty palms, the heat building in his belly, the heartbeat drumming loudly in his ears. Unless…
Oh.
Oh.
He didn’t want to kiss a boy. Well, he did. But he didn’t want to kiss just any boy at all, did he?
No, Nick wanted to kiss Charlie.
He finally found his voice and looked up at Charlie.
“Sorry, what’d you say?”
Charlie gave him a soft smile and squeezed his pinky. Which was still intertwined with his.
“I just— You can say no, obviously. If it makes you uncomfortable, because the last thing I would ever want to do is make you uncomfortable and so I was just wondering if like…” Charlie shook his head and then pulled his hand away from Nick’s.
Nick looked down at his hand and frowned. It felt cold when just moments ago it had felt warm and like everything Nick had ever wanted.
“Charlie, what were you going to say?”
Charlie swallowed and shook his head again.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it. Sorry I even said anything.” He gave him a small smile again, but Nick had known Charlie for nearly a year now, he knew when his smiles were fake and forced.
“Char,” Nick whispered and reached his hand out again, and this time instead of linking their pinkies only, he slotted his fingers into Charlie’s and squeezed reassuringly.
He watched as Charlie’s eyes fell to their hands, then slowly made their way up to Nick’s own. He held his gaze for a moment before quickly ducking his head down, his curls bounced as he did so. Even in the dim lighting of the room, Nick could see a blush spreading across his friend’s cheeks.
“What were you going to say?”
“I was um,” Charlie began, and shifted his body closer to Nick’s. Now, their shoulders were touching, if he turned his head anymore, he was sure he would feel Charlie’s breath closer than he ever had.
“Please just say something, Char.” Nick encouraged him. He held his breath as he waited for a reply. He was almost certain he knew what Charlie was going to say. What he was going to suggest. Nick just needed to hear Charlie say it with his own words.
“If you wanted to kiss a boy…”
“Yeah?”
He felt Charlie turn to face him, so he did the same. Nick searched his face as he looked for any sort of discomfort or something to tell him that Charlie didn’t want this. That he didn’t want him. He found none, though.
“I’m a boy.”
Nick let out an involuntary chuckle, which caused Charlie to laugh too. Soon, the two boys were both laughing at nothing in particular, other than their own awkwardness in their current situation.
Unbeknownst to Nick, while the two of them were lost in their laughter, they had gravitated closer to one another, like they always did. When he did finish laughing, he was mere inches away from his best friend's face.
He felt his breath hitch in his throat.
“You um,” Nick took a deep breath. “You are a boy.”
“And you want to kiss a boy.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah.”
“Did you want— Would you kiss me?”
Nick looked down at their hands again, noticed how close they still were even after Charlie had pulled his own away previously and picked the other boy’s up just enough to once again lace their fingers together, an action Nick had no idea would have the effect on him that it did.
Charlie looked at him again, his eyes fell down to Nick’s lips, then back up at him again. A question.
Nick didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. He was scared if he spoke, the moment would go away. That was the very last thing he wanted to happen. So he didn’t speak.
He did, however, nod. A silent confirmation to Charlie that he wanted this. He wanted him.
Slowly, scared that he would mess this up, Nick brought his hands to the side of Charlie’s face, cupping it gently. Smoothing his thumbs against the warm skin, Nick asked again, “Is this okay?”
“Nick?”
“Mmm?’
“Would you just stop talking and kiss me, please?”
“Right, yes. Kissing. You, that’s— I’m gonna,” Nick fumbled around his words, not one single coherent sentence ever leaving his mouth. Not like his brain could even think of anything other than Charlie, Charlie, Charlie and kiss him, kiss him, kiss him anyway.
“You’re still talking.” Charlie gave him a lopsided grin, his dimples on full display.
“I’m just— I’m going to kiss you now, is that—” Charlie cut him off with a quick nod of his head.
“Yes.”
Right. Okay. This was fine. Nick could do this. He could kiss his best friend, who he had apparently been crushing on this entire time and not even realising it and this would be totally fine.
He watched as Charlie let his eyelids flutter closed, waiting for Nick to do something. Nick wanted to live in this moment forever, the moment knowing that the boy he so desperately wanted to kiss, wanted the same thing. Wanted to stay in this moment with Charlie, his Charlie, forever.
Nick tilted his head, keeping his eyes open for as long as he possibly could, as if he were trying to remember every detail of Charlie’s features. How his eyelashes curled at the ends. How his breath seemed to catch in his throat the moment he felt Nick move closer to him. Nick ran his tongue along his bottom lip, wetting it before he closed his eyes and carefully pressed his lips to Charlie’s.
Nick felt the rush of warmth ignite inside him as he finally leaned in close, his hands still holding Charlie’s face as if he was the most precious thing to him, and soft lips met his own.
It started out simple enough, even if his feelings were anything but. He felt Charlie’s shaky breath against his cheek, as if he was preparing himself for something, and then suddenly, things changed. As Nick pressed his lips a little bit more to Charlie’s, one of his hands changed its position to cup Charlie’s neck, playing with his curls that tangled on his fingers. Nick felt one of Charlie’s hands move up to rest on his jaw, then the two of them finally opened their mouths and… wow.
Nick let his mind go blank and just enjoy this moment. He let himself get lost in the feeling of Charlie’s lips on his. His lips tasted of the sweets the two of them had been sharing earlier, and Nick never wanted to stop. Charlie tilted his head allowing Nick to get a better angle as their lips continued to slot together, fitting like a perfect puzzle piece.
Charlie’s hand on his jaw had now moved to his hair, his fingers ever so slightly tightening their grip. Nick knew that they were getting ahead of themselves as he felt heat begin to rise in his stomach, and he reluctantly pulled away. He rested his forehead on Charlie's, keeping his eyes closed as he attempted to catch his breath.
Even though he ended the kiss rather abruptly, it was still sweet and enjoyable. That wasn’t the problem, no, not at all.
The problem?
Nick was fucked because now how was he supposed to kiss anyone else other than Charlie?
“You okay?” Charlie asked him, his hands still around his shoulders, however instead of being tangled in his hair they were now clasped together behind his neck.
Nick pulled back as much as he could without making Charlie lose his grip on him and just gave the other boy a lopsided grin.
“I’m great.”
Charlie ducked his head and let out a soft giggle, a blush appearing on his cheeks.
“Yeah?”
Nick reached around the back of his neck to grab hold of Charlie’s hands, removing them from him and interlacing their fingers together.
Charlie kept his eyes on him, following his every move with a careful gaze.
“I am so good. Like— I don’t know about you but I honestly just want to kiss you again.”
“Again?” Charlie made a high pitched sound and Nick gave him a kind smile, bringing their hands up to his mouth and placing a gentle kiss to Charlie’s.
“I think,” Nick began as he ran his tongue over his lips to wet them, noticing the way Charlie watched that movement as well. Nick held back a smirk. “I think we should do it again, you know, just to make sure I’m okay.”
Nick watched as Charlie’s dimples appeared on his face again, a smile breaking out.
Nick couldn’t stop himself from mirroring the action, his cheeks beginning to hurt from how much he was smiling at Charlie.
“I think that sounds like a really good idea.” He agreed and nodded his head, his curls tickling Nick’s face as he did so.
Charlie’s hands found themselves in Nick’s hair once more, and yeah, Nick thought to himself, yeah it did.