Work Text:
osamu -> doppo
-
osamu @ 5:37: doppo
osamu @ 5:37: are you available right now?
while typing, dazai's hands shook. a familiar feeling of bile in his throat arose. he tried to swallow it down, but that only made it worse.
he didn't feel safe. he wasn't safe around himself.
he looked down at his messages, softly praying for a response. nothing came.
"fuck," he mumbled. "fuck, fuck, fuck..."
he stood up, walking over to the bathroom. his eyes locked into his own, through the glass of the mirror. and he only felt more nauseous. he didn't really recognize himself.
he looked so vulnerable, a panic in his eyes. he forced himself to look away, sitting down on the toilet.
with no more willpower to stop himself, he grabbed a razor and used the edge of a tool recently used to renovate the bathroom to pop off the end, pulling out a small sharp piece of metal.
he cradled in in his fingers nervously before setting it down to sluff off his shirt.
he picked back up the metal, and pressed.
...
osamu -> doppo
-
osamu @ 6:24: im sorry
...
when kunikida recieved a text from his partner for the third time during a business conference, he nearly rolled his eyes.
the first two were near the start, so it's likely he forgot and sent a second message along the lines of "oh yeah, you're in a meeting" with some dumb emoticon. and knowing dazai, he'd probably start sending a slew of messages after the most recent one, just wanting his attention.
he turned over his phone, planning on quickly switching it to do not disturb so he could continue the meeting without any distractions.
that was, until he glanced at the message, and a feeling of dread curled up in his stomach. he pulled his phone under the table, looking down and letting his associate do the talking.
doppo -> osamu
-
doppo @ 6:25: osamu
doppo @ 6:25: what's going on?
doppo @ 6:26: are you safe right now?
the text bubbles from his partner popped up and disappeared a few times before a response came up.
osamu @ 6:27: yeah
doppo @ 6:27: what did you do? are you okay? if you're there, do you need me to come home?
osamu @ 6:28: ill be okay. sorry for interrupting you
kunikida read the message and whispered something to his associate before stepping out of the office, his heart beating against his chest.
doppo @ 6:29: call me.
osamu @ 6:30: alright
five seconds later, dazais call popped up on kunikida's screen, and he picked up while stepping into his car.
"osamu?"
"mm, i'm here." dazai's voice sounded tired.
"are you at home right now?"
"yes."
"where?" kunikida asked.
"i'm sitting in our bed."
"why did you text me?"
"ah, it's nothing..." dazai mumbled. "i didn't mean to interrupt you. you can go back to your work, i'm okay, really." he forced a soft laugh.
"don't lie to me."
dazai's breath lowered over the line.
kunikida narrowed his eyes. "osamu... i just need to know if you're safe."
"mhm," dazai hummed.
kunikida asked again, "you are?"
"yes. i am now." dazai's voice still didn't sound right.
kunikida wasn't sure how to respond. "...do you think you can tell me why you texted me?"
"i wasn't feeling good." fuck, his voice sounded terrible.
"...did you hurt yourself?" kunikida asked, voice soft.
dazai's silence answered the question. after a minute, he mumbled, "i'm sorry."
"...but you feel safe now?"
"mhm."
"can you tell me why?"
dazai's audio slightly muffled. "...couldn't help myself."
"have you cleaned up?"
"yes."
"do you have any water?"
"...yeah," dazai repeated, whispering. kunikida could hear him slide it off the cabinet next to their bed. the silence was cut when he set the cup down again.
kunikida lets out a soft sigh. "and, osamu?"
he hummed in acknowledgment.
"don't apologize."
dazai scoffed, and it was evident from his voice that he was close to crying. "you're leaving work early for me."
"not because i feel obligated to. because i want to be there for you."
"you're only concerned for me," he started, "because i couldn't fucking control myself... you shouldn't have to put up with me."
"if i didn't want to put up with you, i wouldn't have married you. i care about you for so many reasons, and a few missteps won't change that. ...i want to be there for you."
a soft, wet sob came from the other line.
"it's okay," kunikida said, "you can cry."
dazai let out a half laugh, and took a shuddering breath, exhaling with another cry, but that time he didn't stop himself.
kunikida just listened to him, wishing he was there to rub his back. a minute or two later, after whispering soft reassurances into the microphone, dazai began to calm down.
they sit on call without saying much. just letting themself sit in each other's presence despite the physical distance.
"i'll be home in just a second, okay?"
"okay." dazai's voice was softer.
...
it takes kunikida all of ten seconds to open the door to their house and get into the room with his partner.
and for a second, it all felt okay. their eyes met and both felt a soft relaxation in the other's presence.
and then kunikida saw all the little signs on dazai's face. lips slightly pursed at the sides, the middle cracked open. visible tightness was in his shoulders and all across his body, from a crinkle between his eyebrows down to the way his pinky finger is being held by his fist, a nervous habit he had picked up. not to mention the tear streaks running down his face.
he was wearing the same clothes kunikida had left him in earlier - a simple black t-shirt and grey sweatpants. there weren't any bandages on his arms and no new scars that kunikida could see.
kunikida made his way over to the bed, kicking off his shoes. "hey baby," he whispered, running his hand through his partner's hair, watching as dazai leaned into the touch.
"doppo..." dazai called.
"i'm here." his other hand fell in place with dazai's, just holding him any way he can.
dazai's forehead fell onto kunikida's chest as he out a low, upset hum.
"do you want to lay down?" kunikida asked.
dazai responded by pulling kunikida down with him onto the mattress, wrapping his arm around kunikida's waist.
"you're not comfortable," dazai grumbled, shoving off kunikida's overcoat. "change."
kunikida huffed. "you really want me to?"
"yes, i want my doppo to be comfortable..." he whined.
he surpressed a sigh. "okay," kunikida murmured, pressing a kiss to dazai's forehead, to which both softly smiled.
after changing into something softer, he let himself get pulled back into the arms of his partner.
"my doppo came home just for me..." dazai said teasingly, but without a smile. his fingers traced designs on kunikida's chest.
"i would a million times," he said, pulling dazai tighter. "don't feel bad. you would do the same for me - you have."
dazai kept looking down, eyes unfocused.
kunikida's voice was half-caught in his throat as he spoke, "osamu, how long have you wanted to hurt yourself?"
"...about a week."
before he could force them down, a small stream of tears fell out of kunikida's eyes. "please... tell me next time. i would have helped you. ...i don't want to see you hurt."
"i want to. i'll try to- i will... i'm really sorry, doppo."
"osamu." kunikida warned.
"no, no, i am... i should have told you, i hate seeing you like this..."
"osamu, how am i supposed to respond to that?" more tears fall off his cheek.
"i don't know. i don't know... just... hold me? please."
kunikida's arms wrap around dazai, pulling him in closer, gently, scared of where he was hurt. dazai's fingers twirl kunikida's hair, pulling out his hairtie. kunikida didn't complain.
"doppo..."
"yes?" he whispered back.
"...i really love you."
kunikida grabs onto dazai's back tighter. "i love you so much, osa," he said, before pressing a kiss onto dazai's forehead with furrowed brows.
they both just lied there for a while, softly touching each other and breathing in each other's air.
kunikida ran his thumb over dazai's cheek, wiping away the tear marks and kissing under his eyes.
dazai pressed a kiss onto kunikida's lips, smiling at the light blush that still coated his lover's face no matter how often they kissed.
"my darling..." kunikida started, running his hand over dazai's jawline. "do you think i could help you clean your scars?"
"hm..." dazai's eyes fluttered closed. "i'd be okay with that."
"okay, love, i'll be right back, okay?" he murmured, kissing dazai once more and sliding off of the bed.
dazai whined at the loss of heat and weight, pulling the blankets closer to him to try and replace some of it. "doppo~ hurry up..."
"i'm coming," kunikida replied, affection leaking into his stern voice. he walked back over and kneeled on the bed after having set down supplies on their bedside table. he gently pulled away the blankets from dazai's arms.
dazai responded by wrapping his arms around kunikida's thigh.
"oh, get off of me!" kunikida laughed, not doing anything to try and get said man off of him.
dazai lifted himself up to his knees, pulling kunikida into his arms once more. as his lover squeezed him tighter, he hummed contently, tucking his head into kunikida's shoulder.
eventually though, he pulled off, with a small frown, before plastering a sarcastic expression on his face. "okay, you can have your way with me now."
kunikida's response was completely incoherent, his face flushing up. "osa, don't say things like that."
"oh~? does doppo not want to touch me?" he said, smirking.
"you... you're a menace," kunikida mumbled.
another happy hum filled the air, and dazai kissed kunikida's lips one more time. "okay, get on with it."
kunikida's expression softened. "where do i start?"
dazai shoved down his pants below his stomach, laying down and pulling up his shirt. underneath the fabric, a line of shallow cuts lined his stomach inbetween past scars. his face looked regretful and embarrassed.
kunikida didn't give a look of disappointment or sadness or anger, he simply ran his thumb over the skin above and grabbed the small bottle of saline from on his nightstand. (they had gotten it at the start of the winter, when kunikida couldn't stop getting nosebleeds from the dry cold.)
he pressed a small amount of the liquid onto a piece of tissue, running it over dazai's skin. they sat in silence as kunikida's fingers worked. dazai's eyes fell closed.
it might not have been the 'best' moment, but it was them wrapped up in each other, trusting each other. nothing more and nothing less. and that's all either of them could ask for.
a few minutes later, kunikida had finished, and he curled up next to dazai under the blankets.
"my baby," dazai murmured happily.
kunikida moved an inch, pressing one last kiss to dazai's lips.
"doppo likes kissing me..." he smiled.
"he does," kunikida whispered.
"does he want to do it again..?"
"he does," kunikida repeated, leaning back into his partner.
"he likes me..." dazai cooed between kisses.
kunikida pressed a kiss to his nose. "he does."