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Gentle hands trace over fading scars.
His touch was soft, barely there. But to Luis it was the most comforting thing. To know that he was there, his gentle presence always there to embrace him when he needed it. Even if Leon was asleep and was just subconsciously doing it.
It was comforting to know that the person he loved so much loved him back all the same. Loved him enough that the act of caressing his scars was etched so deep into his brain that he did it when he was asleep. That the love he had for him had been seared into his core, that he would love him no matter what he was doing or if he was unaware of it.
It was enough to soothe his pain, even if for a moment.
Luis doesn't remember the last time he had someone truly love him like this. He had his grandfather, had his little sister. But it was all familial love. And it was all gone too soon.
The pain in his heart only grows when he remembers that he has no family to show Leon. That he'll keep visiting Leon's family in America, and he'll never be able to return the favor for him. Never introduce him to his sister, to his father, to his mother, to his grandfather. All of them are dead and gone.
And somehow, he still thinks that it's his fault. To this day, he has nightmares of waking up surrounded by their corpses. Even if his mother's death wasn't his fault. Even if his sister's death when she was staying with their neighbors wasn't his fault. Even if his grandfather being bitten by a wolf when he was only fourteen wasn't his fault. Even if his father leaving before he was born and becoming a sacrifice to the cult wasn't his fault.
Just being a part of that cult made him feel all horrible inside. The fact that they took him in when he was fresh full of trauma and at the ripe age of fifteen. Too unaware of the manipulation, the perfect age for molding.
And they sure did mold him into who he was today. With the work he did, with the rituals he performed. The pained scream of sacrifices will always haunt his nightmares.
But at least they'd transferred him to be a researcher when he was 19. At least researchers didn't perform sacrificial rituals and drink human blood every month for the sake of Lord Saddler. No, they just holed themselves in their research frantically finding new weapons to create for Lord Saddler's benefit.
And when Luis was old enough to realize all of this was horrifically bad, it was far too late.
He'd escaped to modern society, but the trauma still stuck. The voices in his head beckoning him to return, even if he'd found his home outside in Madrid.
His nightmares shown Saddler's unforgiving gaze, and Mendez's gentle leadership. Mendez was, unfortunately, the closest thing Luis had to a father figure. Some nights Luis wondered if he really was his father. Since he never even knew him other than that he was part of the cult. Too bad he'll never know.
Too bad he'd ran away.
And too bad he felt all that guilt inside of him as he'd escaped, eventually returning once he turned 22. Only a year out, and he'd already gone back.
No one in Madrid would really care if he left. He was just another face in the crowd, another annoying boy for girls to walk away from. Another weird guy that flirted with his male classmates too much.
Yeah, he was a good student, loved his work. But every night he knew he didn't belong here, knew that his only real place was in that lab deep within Saddler's island. Surrounded by cultists, surrounded by people who knew him, who loved him. Or, the closest thing to love he could get.
Leon stirred in his sleep, rolling over to hug Luis closer to him. As if he could tell what Luis was thinking, even as he slept. Like he knew Luis' mind was going down a dark path, and he wanted him to stop before he got himself hurt again. The thought was comforting.
"Gracias, mi vida." He whispered softly, kissing the top of his head.
He should stop before things got carried away. Before he had to get up and smoke his pains away. It was best to just lie in the comfort of his lover's embrace. To dream peacefully of their future together rather than his ugly past.
When he thinks about it too hard, it all hurts so much.
He mourns the child that Saddler took in all those years ago. Mourns the few family he'd lost all in the span of a week. Mourns the child that had to sleep every night hearing the screams of the sacrifices that he would have to kill the next morning. Mourns the child that at first gagged at the taste of human blood, but later grew so accustomed to it he even found himself craving it at times.
How horrible a life he'd been forced into.
—
Luis felt like he was having an episode.
The way he woke up in Leon's arms and felt disgusting and wrong. Felt like he shouldn't be doing this. Felt like he was doing something wrong, felt like he should be out serving Lord Saddler instead. Like he didn't deserve this peace and quiet that Leon had given him. And it was only till he realized what he was thinking that he had to stop himself.
Lord Saddler was dead, he had been for years. And for that matter, he was no longer a part of that cult. He didn't have to obey him like that. He hadn't been a part of that cult for a long time. A very long time. Why was he reverting back into this horrible mindset?
He hadn't served Lord Saddler truly unconditionally since he was a teen. When he would perform sacrifices for him. When Saddler praised his obedience and said that he didn't even need las plagas to do what he was told. When Mendez took him under his wing, like an estranged father figure that Luis craved in that young and traumatized mind of his. Once he'd been transferred to research he began to stop obeying their religion. Of course, old habits die hard, but he hasn't felt this way since he was 22.
"Leon? Are you awake?" Luis called out in the darkness, hoping for an answer.
The blonde shifted beside him, stirred easily by the noise. He wasn't that much of a heavy sleeper anyway. Not with what he'd been through.
Almost immediately after a yawn,"Hmm?"
"Do you...have you ever woken up and felt like you were still in RC? Even after all these years?"
Leon was silent. Pretty loaded question to get when he'd only just woken up. But it was Luis, he always asked these kinds of questions late at night.
Of course he's had those kinds of nights about a million times after the incident. They were far more scattered nowadays than before. He used to wake up almost every night following that incident. And even later on during training on days where he wasn't too exhausted to sleep, he'd find himself trapped back in that police station.
Lately, he's been having more dreams about the village. About losing Luis to something out of his control. But God, he couldn't imagine all the nightmares Luis must have had. Living in that place his entire life, serving those cultist freaks for so long.
"I have...I still do. Even after all this time." He tried to be vague out of habit, only remembering that he should open up more after he'd already spoken.
He was trying his best. He wasn't exactly the kind of guy that would open up to people, and it was hard to break that habit with Luis. Yes, he loved him, and he trusted him. But it was still hard to talk about these things with anyone. He feared Luis wouldn't see him the same if he admitted his fear. Even if he knew logically Luis could never feel that way.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm 17 again. Stuck in that castle. Why did I ever let that happen to me?" Luis felt tears stinging his eyes.
Leon frowned, he felt the same about RC. With how young and impressionable he was. So blissfully unaware of how corrupt everything really was before he'd gotten there. Seeing all of that, living through it when others could not have. It really hurt to know that Luis also felt that type of pain. He just wanted him to feel safe and happy and to not have to deal with all those horrible memories.
"You were young, mi corazón. You had no idea what they would do to you, what they would put you through. It was never your fault." He kissed his shoulder gently, trying to comfort him.
Luis just lie there, letting Leon comfort him. Basking in his embrace like a lizard to the sunlight. Holding onto his warmth for the time being, trying to ground himself in this moment.
Oh what he'd have given to have met Leon earlier. To have lived his life with Leon in America with his nice family and his dog and his siblings and his friends. To have actually gone to school instead of that curriculum the cult gave him.
Devotion to Lord Saddler, no matter what sort of doubts he had in the back of his mind. How to kill someone in the quickest and most efficient ways. What to do with a dead body. Luis learned things that were not important to him at all anymore, but in his little 15 year old mind it was his entire world.
But for now, he just told himself that everything was gonna be alright. He was safe. He was at home with the love of his life, freed from all those monsters. In a home they'd built together far away from that horrible village. Tending to their farm, feeding all their livestock.
Luis was safe here. He'll never have to worry about parasites and bioweapons and cults and sacrifices anymore. So long as Leon was around to protect him, Luis would never have to worry about anything like that ever again. All he has to worry about are watering his garden and feeding his chickens.
The thought comforted him. Knowing that Leon cared that much that he would go so far out of his way to build this perfect life for the two of them to live in. Almost like it was captured in a movie, far away from the horrors the two of them experienced throughout their entire lives. Far away from the cult Luis had to live through.
But Leon could only do so much for him.
—
"Why don't we start from the beginning? Or, as far back as you are comfortable with sharing. I feel that you bring up your past a lot, but never truly state what exact event shaped you to point these behaviors back to." His therapist wore that strange smile that he always wore.
Luis shifted in his seat, fidgeting with those stim toys his therapist had around his office. They were supposed to be for the kids, but Luis felt nervous and needed to do something to calm himself down. It was better to fidget with some metal rings than a lighter, anyway. They didn't allow him to bring it in here, and it always pissed him off when they'd take it before he went upstairs for his session.
"I mean, what's there to talk about? I was raised in a village right next to a cult, joined that cult when I was 15, and only recently left it because it disbanded."
"And the only reason it disbanded was because of my husband. I mean...I had some part in it too but it was mostly him." He added.
He wasn't sure how vague he wanted to be. The official government report on the deaths of all the people in Valedelobos after Los Illuminados had disbanded had been reduced to fires, poisonings to the water supply, and gas leaks. People in the nearby towns knew there was a cult there, and they didn't have to think twice about how their followers had always talked about some kind of salvation. It wasn't hard to assume that a mass suicide had occurred.
Though that wasn't even what had happened. All those people had been manipulated into turning into monsters all for Lord Saddler's bidding. His hopes and dreams of world domination all being built off of the suffering of Luis' people. He hated even thinking about it. About all the lives lost and about how no one would ever even know about it except for him and Leon and Ashley.
"Okay, that's fine. We can go from there. Prior to the disbandment, were there moments where you knew that what was happening wasn't right? Any specific events?”
Now this was something Luis could talk about for hours. Leon had already heard most of it, but it wouldn't hurt to catch his therapist up. Maybe all that fucked up shit that happened to him as a kid would directly be the reason he felt like shit nowadays. Ate one too many human sacrifices and how he has a complex. Or something of the sort.
But asking him if he hated the cult he was born into was a dumb question. Of course he hated them. Anyone would. All the other people who were like Luis and weren't directly effected by Las Plagas hated it too. But they just smiled and grit their teeth because if they pretended for long enough then they'd be alive to see the morning. Luis was just lucky to even get out of there. To have someone who favored him enough to keep him alive for this long.
How funny it was to think that all the people who had once abused him and subject him to such painful torture had all died because of Leon. At the hands of his husband. He made a mental note to give Leon a very long hug whenever this session was over.
"Of course I did. They were monsters, and as much as I lied that I followed their beliefs, all I ever wanted was to leave. I didn't want to hurt people the way they did. I didn't want to become what they were. I wanted no part in those plans for world domination that Lord Saddler had. I didn't actively crave the taste of human flesh like the other kids my age did. They made us drink blood so much I got used to it, but flesh I could never bring myself to ever enjoy." Luis paused, processing what he had just admitted.
Perhaps he had said too much. The saddened look on his therapist's face really was what said it all.
He wasn't used to the sympathy. Leon was the only other person he'd admitted all of this to, so it was still taking some getting used to. Of course other people knew he was part of the cult when he was younger. When he was stupid and would go on 'adventures' to nearby towns to try and recruit more people. When Mendez would instruct him to go and lure wandering camping couples into Salazar's castle. But no one really knew the extent of his manipulation other than Leon. What they'd forced him to live through.
"I'm so sorry that you were subject to such things. I couldn't imagine being forced into situations like that at such a young age."
Luis didn't know what to say to that. He never knew what to say when people apologized. When he'd told Leon he froze up when he cried and hugged him. He didn't know what else to say. It was his life, it was what he thought was normal. Yeah, it was fucked up, but it was all he'd ever known.
He definitely wasn't proud of the things Saddler and Mendez forced him to do, but what else could he do about it? He was a young traumatized kid they took advantage of, nothing different. The only thing that set him apart was that he'd been the one to survive. He'd been the one to escape, to see Lord Saddler die in the end.
Sometimes he wished his old friends from when he was younger survived. The ones who lived across the hallway from him, who snuck out at night to go hunting for gemstones in the caves by the lake. The ones who had hated the taste of human flesh as much as he did.
Luis just laughed, tears forming in his eyes, "I guess that explains why I am the way I am, no?"
“The fact that you lived in a cult does explain a few things. The survivors guilt you have can definitely be traced back to that.” Luis watched carefully as his therapist took notes.
He hated when he’d do that. It felt like he was on the opposite end of his experiments. Normally it was him taking notes, observing behaviors and making conclusions off of evidence. Now it was him being the one who was taken note of. It felt wrong.
“You feel compelled to suffer because you survived. Sabotaging yourself and intentionally making yourself suffer because you feel you should have died in a place like that where the odds were against you. But no matter what you can do now, you cannot change the past. Sabotaging yourself now doesn’t bring anyone back from the dead. It only harms the person that survived.”
“It makes me feel better, why don’t we leave it at that?” Luis felt uncomfortable now.
Like he wanted to peel his skin raw. Like hearing this guy tell him things he hadn’t even considered made him feel stupid for not thinking of it beforehand. He should be smart, he’s a researcher for God’s sake. Why did it take him this long to realize such simple things?
“You did all you could, and you managed to make it out alive. Perhaps the same can’t be said about others, but it was never your fault. Your actions never directly caused other’s deaths. Perhaps you were manipulated into thinking that way, but you were just a child. You had no way of really deciding all of that.”
Luis just sat there, a conflicted mess of emotions churning in his stomach. Time and time again he forgets just how young he was when all of this happened. He always blames himself for all this shit. Always thought he was just like Mendez and Saddler because he still went through with all those things. He had no other choice, and he was a child. He didn’t know any better. Not to mention he had just lost his entire family, Los Illuminados was all he had.
He was so fucked up he barely even peeled back all the layers of trauma he faced. Barely even scratching the surface when he thought he’d had it all figured out.
—
“What’s with all the kisses?” Leon grinned into his neck.
His stubble tickled against his skin, but Luis didn’t mind. He quite liked the look Leon had now. His hair less bleached than before. Longer than it was when they’d first met all those years ago. He had more facial hair now. Less of a baby face and now with sharper features. It was nice to see the way he would change over time. To grow old with him like this. Even if they weren’t all that old anyways.
But the thought was nice. To be able to watch the sunset one last time with him.
“Can a man not simply show his love for his husband after a tiring day?” Luis kissed the side of his head as he spoke.
Leon’s hands soothed circles against his back, lulling him to sleep. After such an emotional day with unpacking all his childhood trauma and shit, it was nice to unwind with his husband like this. To have someone to come home to and shower with affection and get the same in return. He loved living like this.
Loved that he could come home and have Leon pepper kisses all over him. Loved that he could wake up and see his face every morning. Loved that he could just wander into their room and kiss Leon without having to explain himself. Loved that the two of them spent their mornings together watering their garden and watching the sun rise together hand in hand. There was nothing he could ever trade for this kind of love.
“You’re such a romantic.” Leon pressed a soft kiss against his neck.
Luis smiled at that, how funny it was that neck kisses for the two of them had gotten so domestic. When they’d first met in 2004 all Luis would fantasize about were things like this. Oh how he wished he could tell his younger self what joys he would experience when he grew up. To tell that poor bastard trapped in Saddler’s lab that following that American boy would lead him into a life full of love and happiness.
He interlocked his free hand with Leon’s, cherishing the domesticity of the situation.
“Only for you, mi vida.”