Chapter Text
Yaz woke up to an empty bed, which was the first sign that something wasn’t right. The Doctor might not sleep as much as Yaz did, but she was always in bed when Yaz needed rest. Keeping her company, as her girlfriend liked to put it. She would be reading, or tinkering with something (as quietly as she could), or sometimes even playing a video game that she used to play on Ryan’s phone and since the Doctor still refused to get a smartphone, Yaz had let her install the game on hers.
But this morning, she was nowhere to be seen which was just weird. Yaz immediately felt her absence, as she had gotten used to waking up and getting a forehead ‘good morning’ kiss right away. But deciding she needed to get to the bottom of the question, she got up and the chill of the room immediately made itself known as Yaz’s skin got goosebumps.
She got some joggers that were still on the floor from last night, and went over to her drawer to get a hoodie. But as soon as she opened she noticed something was missing. Her dark green hoodie that she usually wore during not so good days. But she was sure it had been there last night, which could only mean that her girlfriend was probably wearing it, which was fine. But it was the second sign that something was wrong.
The Doctor would often borrow Yaz’s clothes, but she was very specific with which ones. She would only borrow Yaz’s blue hoodie because she said the colour was the same as the TARDIS and she really liked that. And she borrowed some joggers, whenever they decided to have a night in and watch some movies in bed. But that was it. So the fact she had taken the green one when the blue was right there could mean that something was definitely up. Or it didn’t mean anything. But knowing her girlfriend, Yaz knew it would most likely be the former.
So, without wasting any more time she went in search of the Time Lord. She looked in the library, the kitchen and the cinema room and nothing. So of course, the last place the Doctor could be in was the console room and that’s exactly where Yaz found her.
She was sitting on the stairs, fidgeting with her hands and there was a certain look about her that Yaz couldn’t quite figure out yet. Yaz didn’t know what was going on in her girlfriend's head, but she could tell she looked sad. And that broke Yaz’s heart a little because she hated seeing the Doctor sad. She was indeed wearing Yaz’s dark green hoodie, which was way too big for her (it was way too big for Yaz too, which is why she liked it so much).
She approached slowly so as not to scare the Doctor, but as usual, her girlfriend immediately noticed her presence and she lifted her head to look at Yaz and smiled. Although the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Morning babe.” Yaz said, placing a gentle kiss on the Doctor’s head and sitting next to her. She went to wrap an arm around her waist, but the Doctor seemed to have flinched a little at that, so Yaz took her arm back.
Something was definitely not okay.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Yaz asked softly, giving the Doctor the option to say no. Yaz never wanted to force her to open up, even though she would like the Doctor to do so. She had become better at communicating her feelings, but sometimes it was still difficult to know exactly what was going on in her head.
The Doctor frowned, but she nodded nonetheless so Yaz waited until her girlfriend sorted her words out. The frown grew heavier and it took a few minutes but finally, the Doctor started talking.
“I just feel… I don’t know how to explain it exactly. Just- Something just doesn’t feel right.” The Doctor sighed and Yaz could see unshed tears in her eyes. “Something doesn’t feel right with me .”
“What do you mean?” Yaz was patient, and she wanted to take the Doctor’s pain away. But the only way she could do that was trying to get a proper idea of how she was truly feeling. And why she was feeling like this.
“You know how I used to have a different body, right?” Yaz nodded “Today I just miss… Certain things about the other ones. I love this body, trust me, I really do. But I don’t know… Today it just feels off . My chest, it just… Doesn’t feel right. And I miss-” The Doctor looked down “I don’t miss having an actual dick to be honest. I mean, I do sometimes when we are in bed and I wish I could feel you properly but today I think I just miss… I can’t explain it.”
Oh. Oh.
The Doctor sighed and rested her chin on top of her knees. She was avoiding looking at Yaz, and all Yaz wanted was to touch her and hug her but she knew that doing that right now would be a bad idea.
“When you called me a good girl last night… I love it when you call me that, but- But last night it didn’t feel as right as the other times.”
“I’m sorry.” Yaz said, but the Doctor shook her head and finally closed the distance between them by taking Yaz’s hand and kissing the back of it.
“You have nothing to apologise for Yaz. You were amazing, you are amazing. And I love you so much. I just- I don’t know why I feel like this…”
Yaz held on to her hand and squeezed reassuringly. She knew what it was the Doctor was feeling. She felt it too, sometimes. She had never spoken about it properly with anyone. But the Doctor was opening up to her about something that was very personal and very vulnerable, and Yaz knew of something that could help.
It made sense why the Doctor had taken that particular hoodie. It was big enough that it hid everything you didn’t want yourself or others to pay attention to.
“We can’t really control it. But it’s not wrong, baby. At all. It's just the way it is. But there’s things we can do that might help.” Now it was Yaz’s turn to avoid looking at the Doctor even though she could feel those hazel eyes on her. So, Yaz focused on their joined hands.
“Have you ever felt like this?”
Yaz nodded.
“More when I was a teen. But… I still do. Sometimes. Not often but… Yeah, sometimes.” Yaz looked at her girlfriend and the green hoodie she was wearing. The hoodie Yaz had come to name her ‘comfort hoodie’ , because she could always hide everything in it, but that was a deeper conversation for some other time. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”
The Doctor shook her head, and gave Yaz a kiss on the forehead.
“Don’t apologise. Thank you for telling me now.” Yaz smiled.
“We’ll talk about me some other time.” Yaz said, because she really didn’t want to get into that now. Now, she just wanted to focus on helping her partner feel more comfortable.
“So, can you help me? With the things that could make these feelings… Easier? If that’s the word?”
Yaz smiled properly now, happy that her girlfriend trusted her enough to help with something so personal.
“Under one condition.”
“What?”
“Kiss me first?”
The Doctor smiled that devilish smile of hers while leaning in.
“Always.”
***
The delivery took about a week (although according to the Doctor it had felt like an eternity and even the TARDIS could not speed it up), but finally everything was here.
Yaz was now sitting in their bed while her partner tried some things in the bathroom. She had been there a while though and Yaz was starting to feel a little concerned.
“You alright there babe?”
No reply and Yaz got up from the bed and knocked on the door softly.
“Babe?”
The Doctor opened the door and let Yaz in. Yaz didn’t look at anything but her face, although she couldn’t help but notice that her partner was holding a roll of tape.
“Can’t figure out the best way to put this on… I didn’t really like the binders, so… Can you help?”
Yaz smiled and nodded, taking the roll from her and reaching for the scissors to cut a few strips. She had only used something like this a couple of times herself (she usually wore binders), but she could still remember the way to do it.
She instructed the Doctor on what to do and together they applied the tape on her chest. When it was done the Doctor reached for her shirt and put it on and only then did she look at herself in the mirror. And Yaz looked at her too and then she couldn’t stop looking.
Because something immediately felt different about the Doctor.
The Doctor was always confident, she always stood tall. But right now, it was like she was glowing in a new light. She went behind the Doctor, wrapping her arms around the Doctor's waist and kissing the back of her neck.
“You are so handsome, you know that?”
The Doctor turned in Yaz’s arms, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her in for a kiss, which deepened in an instant.
“So are you.” Her partner said when they broke apart and when Yaz looked her in the eyes, she saw the desire she felt reflected back in the Doctor’s eyes.
Yaz reached her hands up slowly, giving the Doctor time to understand what Yaz wanted to do and giving her a chance to tell Yaz to stop if she didn’t want to be touched like that. But the Doctor didn’t stop her, so Yaz’s hands kept going up until they reached what was now her girlfriend's flat chest, feeling the duo heartbeats under her palms.
Yaz marvelled at how firm her girlfriend's chest felt, and the Doctor tucked a bit of Yaz’s hair behind her ear and their eyes met again. Full of desire, but most of all, full of love.
The Doctor pulled her into another kiss and this time, as their bodies pressed together, Yaz felt something else against her. A bump that had never been there before.
She looked at the Doctor, who was smirking at her.
“Is that-”
“Surprise.”
They said at the same time, and Yaz finally looked down to notice the bulge in the Doctor’s trousers.
She looped her arms around the Doctor’s neck and kissed her again.
“A very nice surprise indeed.” Yaz said, scratching the baby hairs at the back of her girlfriend's neck “How does it feel?”
“It feels okay. It feels comfortable.” The Doctor stroked either side of Yaz’s hips with her thumbs “It’s a special one though.”
“Oh?”
“It has a setting that allows me to feel it.” The Doctor’s pupils were fully blown now “Feel you .”
Yaz felt incredibly hot and she knew her underwear was completely ruined by now.
“What are we waiting for then?”
The Doctor smiled against her lips, while reaching her hands to grab at Yaz’s bottom and lifted her. They laughed. It was one of Yaz’s favourite things about being with the Doctor. As well as love and desire, there was always laughter.
The Doctor paused on their way out of the bathroom and looked at Yaz.
“I love you.”
Yaz felt emotional all of a sudden, because she knew deep in her heart that this was it for her. She could fall in love a million and one more times in her lifetime, but the Doctor would always be her biggest love. She had never felt like this about anyone. She doubted she ever would.
“I love you too. So much.” She kissed the Doctor softly “Just the way you are.”