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What the hell was he doing here?
That was the question running through Dazai’s mind over and over again as he saw Ango in front of Odasaku’s grave. It’s bad enough that they had to occasionally collaborate to carry out missions for the Agency, but how dare that man finally show his face in front of Odasaku’s grave after all these years.
And are those flowers?
Before he could stop himself, Dazai had grabbed Ango’s collar and pulled, resulting in a dangerous locking of eyes. Under normal circumstances, Dazai would wonder how the hell he managed to basically teleport to and strangle the bespectacled man with a strength uncharacteristic of the bandaged ex-mafioso.
But these were far from normal circumstances.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Dazai mumbled through gritted teeth in a fit of careful rage.
Silence.
“I said-”
The tension was cut when Dazai felt a drop of water hit his hand, followed immediately by a choked sob.
“Osamu…”
Don’t call me by my first name was what Dazai wanted to say. Instead, he cautiously looked up and saw something he would never have dreamed about.
“I’m sorry,” Ango choked through sobs. Emphasis on the “choked”: it took Ango repeating the words several times to confirm to Dazai that yes, Ango was apologizing.
He wanted to punch him. Kick him. Scream at him, maybe even kill him.
But instead, he did something that both men never saw coming: he wrapped his arms around his old friend and squeezed him almost desperately.
When was the last time Dazai felt this vulnerable with someone? Oh yeah, with Odasaku. But Odasaku is no longer here. All Ango and Dazai have is his grave. And each other.
After several beats of silence, Ango, still shaking a bit, managed to choke out a semi-coherent sentence. “Um, can you let go now?”
Dazai immediately did so, looking away so as to hide his awkward expression. “Sorry,” Dazai muttered.
Ango chuckled dryly as he placed the now-slightly ruined bouquet of flowers on Odasaku’s grave. “Am I talking to the real Dazai?”
Dazai replied with his own dry chuckle. “Somehow, yes,” he mumbled. “Although I guess he’s a little more…unpredictable when it comes to seeing his…old friend at his other friend’s grave.”
Ango removed his glasses to wipe away some stray tears. “I’m sorry,” Ango sighed as he placed his glasses on his face again, not bothering with the fact that they were slightly askew. “Well, I can say that a million times, but it’s probably not going to undo the fact that…you know.”
“Yeah,” Dazai replied in a tone colder than he intended.
“Yeah,” Ango mumbled. “Dazai, I’m not asking you to forgive me. Every day I visited his grave, I feared running into you because-”
“Wait, what?” Dazai whispered. “You were…here?”
Ango smiled sadly and nodded. “I visited every single day I could, so long as I wasn’t busy for the day,” he chuckled. “Guess we didn’t catch each other until now.”
“Yeah…”
Both men were now staring at Odasaku’s grave. The flowers Ango placed on the ground added to the serenity of the well-kept grave.
“I was taking care of his headstone, you know,” Dazai mumbled. “Every day. So I’m just as surprised as you to learn that you’ve been visiting that often.”
“Yeah…”
“Here,” Dazai grumbled as he took out a handkerchief. “You look pathetic when you cry.”
Ango laughed as he took the handkerchief. “Are you sure I’m talking to Dazai?”
“Maybe, but I can ask the same of you,” Dazai sneered. “Am I talking to Ango?”
“...No,” Ango whispered. “You and Odasaku…you ruined my life.”
“Hey-”
“Let me finish, Dazai. You both ruined my life the moment you came into it. I was merely carrying out a mission, and yet before I knew it, personal feelings came into play. Monthly meetups at the Bar Lupin became weekly meetups, especially when you became of drinking age.”
“Good times,” Dazai sighed, a reluctantly nostalgic smile gracing across his face. By this time, both men had been sitting cross-legged on the ground, facing Odasaku’s headstone.
“And the worst happened: I began to look forward to those meetings. I began feeling a bond that shouldn’t have developed, as it would truly compromise my mission…and yet the bond continued to deepen.”
Dazai glanced up: tears were welling in Ango’s eyes again. He never saw him that emotional. And although Dazai never did well with comforting people who were crying, it was kind of endearing to see Ango in such a state.
Wait, what the hell? Let’s just put that thought away and never address it again.
“I wish things could have been different,” Ango sighed, wiping the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes again. “I even considered betraying the government right then and there. But that’d bring more trouble than what it’s worth. I couldn’t bring you two into that. I just couldn’t.”
“What, you thought we couldn’t handle the government and Mimic?” Dazai joked.
“Dazai, shut up!” Ango yelled, making Dazai jolt. “You don’t get it, do you? What it felt like to betray…to betray the ones dearest to you?”
Silence.
“Forget it,” Ango sighed as he started to get up. “Call me if the Agency needs anything-”
“Don’t go.”
Ango and Dazai looked at each other with identical expressions of shock.
What the hell? Why did I say that? Let that traitor go. You’ve done it before. Do it again. Let. Him. Go.
“Please don’t leave me,” Dazai mumbled. “I missed you.”
Ango stared at Dazai in a confused daze. It felt like years before he finally sat down again. Was Ango sitting this closely before? He felt so warm…
It didn’t matter. For now, the two will sit here in silence, reminiscing on memories gone by and futures that could’ve been. All until the three can be reunited once again.