Work Text:
“Five,” Sam strode into the rec room with a serious, intense look on his face. It was the middle of the day and they’d finished a relatively normal supply run that morning and so Five had taken the break time as a chance to study the Mandarin lesson books she’d found a few weeks ago. It was going… it was going.
Five sat up straight, mentally checking off whatever she’d need for the impending run. Her axe was in their room, up high where Sara couldn’t get it. She had a gun in the equipment locker along with her pack, it’d only take her a moment to sprint there and–
“Five, how do I not know your birthday?” he said.
“Because it’s the apocalypse, time is meaningless, and it’s hard enough knowing what month it is, much less what day of the month,” Five offered. That was true. She had absolutely no idea what the month was.
“Yeah but you know my birthday,” Sam said.
“Sure. You remind me,” Five said. Sam huffed and she nudged him gently.
“Seriously, though. We should have a party or something! I have years to make up for now!” Sam said. “When is it? Is it soon? I can make a cake– don’t give me that look, Five. I can bake! You said- you said that you liked my mystery casserole! Not in those words–” Sam sighed and dropped his argument. “When is it, Five? I won’t bake the cake, promise.”
“I don’t have one!” Five said with a relaxed shrug. “So no worries on the celebration thing. January 1st is what my second birth certificate says..”
“Five. You don’t know your birthday?” Sam said.
“Nah,” Five said. “Never celebrated it as a kid. Birth parents didn’t care. Small town, didn’t need to show ID for things or anything like that or really fill out forms so never memorized it. My friends and I used to claim it was my birthday whenever we wanted an excuse to do something stupid or silly. I was born at home. Don’t know if my birth certificate got lost or if I didn’t have one. Got new papers once I went into care, those had my birthday as January 1st.”
“You never celebrated your birthday?” Sam said. He looked concerned. “Five. You’ve never had a birthday party?”
“Should I have? Not much to celebrate about my birth,” Five said with a silly smile. Sam looked more concerned. Five puffed her cheeks out and Sam poked them.
“You’re adorable but that won’t distract me,” he said. “Didn’t your adoptive parents ever throw you a birthday party?”
“They offered but I didn’t like January 1st. Everyone was off doing other things,” Five said.
“Well, hey! This means you can choose! No getting stuck with a birthday the day after Christmas or one a day when it always rains,” Sam said. His gaze lit up. “I’ve got it! I’ve got it! May 5th.”
“May 5th?” Five said.
“The fifth day of the fifth month!” Sam said, looking entirely too pleased with himself. “Runner Five Day! It’s going to end up a national holiday, just you wait. I’ll ask Jamie about it.”
“Don’t you dare,” Five said.
“Fine. I’ll table that part,” Sam said. “But it’s perfect! You’re Five, it’s a very five day, the weather is about as nice as it’s going to get, and it’s soon so we can have an excuse to have a party! You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he added quickly. “ But– ”
“Okay,” Five said, looking down to hide the blush on her face. Sam beamed and Five blushed even darker.
“Great! Awesome! I’m going to plan it. You can just be surprised!” he said. He squeezed Five’s hands and she smiled. “It’ll be great.”
Sam raced off and Five waved goodbye to his back, wondering what exactly she’d gotten herself into.
“You should make her one of those hats,” Jody said. Sam had convened a little group of people to help him plot and they’d squished into the comms shack after the last runs of the day were finished in order to come up with a plan. “You know, the ones that say birthday girl or something. We have to check off all the childhood cliches.”
“But no clowns,” Owen said quickly. “No clowns.”
“No clowns,” Paula agreed.
“But it’s tradition,” Sam said.
“I thought you liked Five, mate,” Owen said. “Didn’t think you wanted to traumatize her.”
“I don’t want to traumatize her! But it’s a tradition!” Sam said.
“Why don’t we go with a different tradition, Samuel?” Kefilwe said. Her eyes lit up. “I do know a magic trick or two! I could do those!”
“See? Much better,” Jody said. She sat up, looking at Sam and raising an eyebrow. “I have a question. Are you going to tell Five how you feel about her at the party?”
“How I- what do you mean?” Sam said.
“Looks like we will have a clown at the party,” Maxine muttered.
“I heard that!” Sam said. He groaned. “Look. Five has a crush on someone else, okay? You said so, Jody!”
“I said Five has a crush. I never said who,” Jody said.
“Well, she already has a crush! Someone she won’t tell me about,” Sam said. He shook his head, his six brain cells hopping over the obvious answer and diving with abject glee into the most foolish options possible. “Maybe it’s someone from New Canton. But we’re friends now! She doesn’t need to hide it!”
“Uh-huh,” Jody said.
“I’ll figure it out and invite them to the party,” Sam decided. He turned to his page of notes and began scribbling down ideas.
“Just keep breathing, Maxie,” Paula whispered to Maxine. “Stay calm.”
Maxine tried. She tried quite valiantly. But her attempt at calm was burst when the other half of the idiot sandwich that was Five and Sam declared a revelation during her bite check.
“I’ve got it!” Five said. “I know who Sam has a crush on! It’s Nadia!”
“… Nadia,” Maxine said.
“Yeah! He hasn’t told me because he thinks I’m still mad about her almost murdering me. But I’m not!” Five said. She grinned, her hands on her hips.
Maxine stared at her.
She was a doctor. She always intended to keep the Hippocratic oath. But today, today she was being tested.
“I just need to let him know I’m not mad at Nadia,” Five continued, blissfully unaware of Maxine’s murderous thoughts. Paula put a hand on Maxine’s back and rubbed comforting circles into it. It did little to soothe Maxine’s rage.
“You think it’s Nadia,” Maxine said. No, it wasn’t rage in her voice. It was defeat. Despair.
“It makes sense!” Five said. “Everyone knows except me. Who else could it be? Sam would tell me if it was someone else.”
“Really. That’s the only reason he wouldn’t tell you directly?” Maxine said.
Five hummed, tapping her foot as she thought about it. Maxine prayed to a silent and uncaring god to invigorate Five’s five braincells to come to the obvious conclusion.
“Yeah. I think that’s the only reason,” Five said.
“Five,” Paula said. “Five, don’t you have a crush on Sam? Why would you want to help him date Nadia?”
“He’s my best friend. I want him to be happy,” Five said. “I’ve set my crushes up with other people before.”
“You’re a good friend, Five,” Paula said, patting Five on the shoulder. Maxine had gone to stand in the corner and stare at the wall. Five beamed and scampered off to try and figure out how to convince Sam she liked Nadia. Paula turned to Maxine and sighed.
“It was cute in the beginning!” Maxine said. “It was so obvious but they didn’t notice. It’s cute for a year! It was fine the second year. Stupid, but fine. It’s been four years. Four years! They’ve memorized lullabies to sing to the baby together.”
“Speaking of the baby, this kind of stress isn’t good for them,” Paula said. She put a hand on Maxine’s stomach and smiled at the baby’s little kick.
“Tell that to Five and Sam,” Maxine said. “Maybe we should have an intervention.”
“No, it’ll be good for them to figure it out on their own,” Paula said. “It’s healthy.”
“Not for me,” Maxine muttered. “Not for me.”
“I think I need to invite Nadia to the party,” Sam said. It was a few days later and he was strolling around the outskirts of Abel with Paula and Maxine. It was safer to talk there. Wide open spaces, no bushes or air vents for Five to happen to be napping in where she could overhear the conversation, and a good line of sight in case she came over to say hi. It made birthday planning the easiest.
“Why?” Paula said.
“I think she’s Five’s crush,” Sam said morosely. Maxine turned her face towards the fence so that no one could see the frustration in her gaze. “She was so effusive about her, about how they’re friends now, about how helpful she’s been. Maybe they bonded when they had that roadtrip to Treetop Base.”
“Why wouldn’t she just tell you that?” Paula said.
“I don’t know. Maybe she thinks I’m still mad Nadia tried to kill her. I mean, I am, a little, but if Five isn’t mad then I can’t be mad,” Sam said. “I just… Nadia? What if Five moves to New Canton?”
“She’s not going to do that. She came back to Abel instead of staying there, remember?” Paula said.
“I know but… they get it, you know? The mind control. They get what it was like, all of them get it,” Sam said. “What if she feels better there?”
“She still goes for support groups,” Paula said. “She has those connections if she needs them. She chose to come back to Abel. For the people. At Abel.”
“Maybe Nadia’ll come here,” Sam said.
“Maybe Five’s not Nadia’s type?” Paula offered.
“Five’s everyone’s type,” Sam said. He sounded devastated by that thought.
“I think that’s your crush talking,” Paula said.
“What— you all think she’s attractive, don’t you?” Sam said.
Paula and Maxine looked at each other, shrugged, and nodded. “The three of us don’t represent the entirety of human experience, though,” Paula said.
“Guess not,” Sam said. He sighed, rolling his shoulders back and looking up at the sky. “She’s not going to leave, right?”
“You should talk to Five about this, Sam,” Paula said. “And about other things. But no, I really don’t think she’s going to leave.”
“Good. Good,” Sam said.
“We found streamers on our run today,” Paula said. “Jody’s knitting Wabbajack a party outfit too.”
“Excellent,” Sam said. “I talked it through with people in charge of the kitchens. We got enough supplies for them to bake a cake for after dinner on the fifth. We’ll put the streamers and things up in the mess hall before dinner and surprise Five when she shows up.”
“We’re not… jumping out at Five, right?” Maxine said.
“That’s really not a good idea,” Paula said.
“No! No jumping,” Sam said. Jumping out at a runner was a good way to land someone in the hospital. “Just party hats and cheering, maybe some confetti if I can convince Janine we’ll be able to clean it all up.”
“I heard her asking Jody to pick up a birthday card for her if she found one while out,” Maxine said. “Then later she had a few and was muttering about which one was ‘dignified and respectful’ rather than ‘foolish and pointlessly immature’. I guess Jody brought back too many of the funny cards.”
“I remember I once got one of those birthday cards that sang. Terrified me when I opened it,” Sam said. “I didn’t know they could do that! But this thing, it popped out and then there was singing and I screamed and dropped the card.”
“You screamed?” Maxine said as Paula stifled a laugh.
“It was surprising!” Sam said.
“I remember my favorite birthday,” Paula said. “My parents got me the best chocolate cake. I almost wanted to eat it all myself instead of bringing it to the party. It was fudgy and gooey and had a sort of caramel inside. It was amazing.”
“That sounds delicious,” Sam said. His stomach grumbled. Maybe he had a Curly-Wurly or two left that he could eat later. “I don’t know what to get her as a present.”
“A sports bra,” Maxine said.
“Two sports bras,” Paula said.
“What does she do with the sports bras?” Sam said. “Seriously. Does she absorb them or something to power her running? Jody says she has a stash in their room.”
“She does. The runners who wear them go to her when they need a new one. She makes Frankenbras out of them so the fit is perfect,” Paula said. “They’re actually really comfortable. No straps digging into your shoulders on long runs, no awkward tradeoff between enough support and it being too tight around the middle.”
“Huh. I kind of thought she was going to make a trampoline out of them,” Sam admitted.
“She still has the extra bits,” Paula said. “You never know.”
“I just want to get her something nice, you know?” Sam said. “She’s never had a birthday party before! I don’t know what’s enough to make up for that.”
“Sam, it’s not your job to make up for that,” Maxine said. “It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Write her a nice letter. She loves your letters, she keeps all of them.”
“What– really? She keeps them?” Sam said, unable to stop the blush that was rising to his cheeks.
“Mmhum,” Paula said. “Every little note.”
“That- yeah. That’s a good idea,” Sam said. He bounced a little on the balls of his feet. “Do you mind if I–”
“Go ahead,” Maxine said.
Sam darted off to the comms shack, determined to find paper and write the best letter he could. Maxine and Paula turned to look at each other.
“Nadia?” Maxine whispered. “He thinks her crush is Nadia ? I mean, Nadia’s nice but he should at least guess Jody or someone she spends more time with.”
“Guess her plan to convince him she wouldn’t mind if he dates Nadia backfired,” Paula said.
“I’m glad we were never this dense,” Maxine muttered, shaking her head. Paula took her hand and squeezed it, pressing against Maxine’s side as they strolled together in the midafternoon sun.
May 5th arrived in a flurry of frantic activity from Sam, vibrating excitement from Five, and deep confusion for Nadia, who had gotten messages from both Sam and Five proclaiming how wonderful the other is and how Nadia would be happy with them. Maxine and Paula had quickly sent a follow up message explaining the situation. The mess hall had been decorated with streamers and wildflowers some of the children had collected. Kefilwe had practiced the three magic tricks she knew and could complete them about forty percent of the time (but she did so with verve and it made up for the other sixty percent). Jody had dressed Wabbajack in his party outfit (lots of pom poms and some ribbons), given him a couple of googly eyes for added fun, and placed him at Five’s seat.
Five had only screamed a little when she was greeted upon arrival in the mess hall with cheers, confetti, and a joyful hug from Molly. Molly was still contentedly clinging to Five, who didn’t seem to mind at all.
“How do you react when people sing the birthday song?” Five asked in a frantic whisper. They’d finished dinner, brought out the cake, and the singing had begun. Five looked at Jody in deep confusion, the six party hats she’d put on her head all moving around in time with her astonished glances around the room.
“No one knows!” Jody said. “Just go with it!”
“Okay!” Five said, bewildered but delighted by the fact that everyone in her position was as confused as she was. Molly let out a happy scream at the end of the song and Five joined in, blushing and hiding her face as she giggled softly.
“Happy Runner Five Day,” Sam said. He beamed, putting an arm around Five and squeezing her. Five nuzzled her face into his chest with an equally bright smile and Maxine and Paula exchanged a look.
“ Thank you guys so much,” Five signed, too overwhelmed to speak. Molly added a seventh party hat to Five’s head and Five accepted it with gratitude and glee.
“I wrote you this,” Sam said. He handed Five a card full of extra paper. “I- I tried to fit it all on the card but I couldn’t. I just- thanks, Five. For being you. You’re my favorite person.”
Five took the card and smiled, looking at it with an overwhelmed, almost tearful happiness.
“You’re my favorite person too,” she said. Softly, so softly, but Sam could hear. He knew how to listen so he could always hear Five.
“Alright, time for the most important tradition,” Kytan said, pulling Five and Sam out of their little bubble. “Birthday kicks!”
Five’s eyes widened in terror. “What’s a birthday kick?” she said.
“Oh,” Paula said, starting to laugh again as Owen walked around to Five’s side of the table. Five got up. “You’re supposed to get kicked as many times as your age.”
“What?!” Five said. She backed away. “I was right to never have a birthday. This is dangerous!”
“It’s tradition,” Paula teased.
“I don’t like tradition! Tradition is scary!” Five said. She turned and made a run for it, some of the other runners chasing after her. Sam got up, intending to intervene, but sat back down when Five started laughing and taunting the other runners that they could never catch her.
“She only has to be kicked once, right? If this is her first birthday celebration?” Sam said.
“Nope. It’s how many years old you are,” Paula said.
“Huh. Now I’m rethinking having a birthday,” Sam said. He glanced at Five’s spot, smiling slightly when he saw that even in the chaos Five had been sure to bring his letter with her. “You know, I think I’ll just check on her before curfew. Wish her happy birthday another time.”
“In private? You know, there are other birthday traditions suited to–”
“Nope!” Sam said, getting up. “Nope, nope, nope!”
He raced off to find Five. Paula glanced at Maxine.
“You tried,” she said.
“I did,” Maxine said, stealing Five’s leftover cake. “I really did.”
Maxine, the long-suffering doctor of Abel Township, would have a brief moment of hope when it was revealed the next morning that Five and Sam had slept together that night in Sam’s room on his bed. That hope would be quickly killed when it was revealed it was only because they’d been up all night playing an intense game of bananagrams.
