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The rickety steps creaked every time my foot stepped on the aged wood, as I went up my loft. I took in my surroundings, looking around my room. The room I lived in just under two years. The only light that illuminated the room was from the window, sending a blue hue mirroring the depression that plagued this house. It was hard climbing up here after I dropped the massive bomb of my departure. But, I couldn't dwell on it any longer. Now, it was the next morning, and I needed to start packing. The sooner I leave, the better.
I took out my bags from the corner of my armoire and took the neatly folded clothes from my shelves. Although I was ticked off every time Holly touched my things, and folded my clothes, it made packing faster and easier. The steps up to my room creaked as someone entered, with no courtesy of a knock.
Holly’s curly head popped into view as she interrupted my packing process, her hands holding some of my clothes. “I’m guessing you wouldn’t want to leave these.”
Ever since Aickmere’s, we still had that residual competition between us but, it was more tolerable, and cordial this time. She still dressed in posh fashion, as if Aickmere’s never happened. Leave it up to Holly Munro to pick up the pieces right where we left off. It nerved me. They all did, to be honest. Lockwood was already talking about the praise we’d gotten as if the tunnel never happened. George was beaming with new theories of the correlations with the bone glass from Kensal Green and the formation down at the King Prison’s remains. As they moved forward, I didn’t. I knew I should enjoy it all, the celebrations and the triumphs. But I couldn’t. Sometimes I wished I had that same feigning ignorance.
I took the garments she handed me, “I bet you’re delighted about me leaving.” I smirked as I watched her wide eyes send me a stunned look. The garment plopped inside, leaving just enough room for me to zip it closed. Holly cleared her throat, “You’ve read me wrong.”
“On the contrary, I don’t want anyone to leave.”
I couldn’t hide my dubious expression, “I find that hard to believe. Seeing as we hadn’t gotten off the right foot,” I said. Holly shook her head, “No, that is true. But you make the group complete. Leaving like this…It’ll just make everything unbalanced.”
My arms crossed over each other, “I think you could pick up the pieces.”
“I’m not you.”
My lips twitched, “Thank the Heavens for that. You wouldn't last one day, living in my pigsty bedroom, and hearing the voices of haunted skulls.”
Holly groaned, “I meant that despite what I’ve said to you, and done to you, let’s face the facts. You are a vital part of this group.”
“I wouldn’t have guessed you’d fight for me to stay this hard. You’ve beaten the others who haven’t batted an eye in my direction since last night,” I said. I hadn’t expected them to, but I couldn’t lie that it didn’t affect me all the same. Holly averted her eyes and said, “You’re right but, I guess our lack of acquaintance lets me say these things to you.”
She clasped her hands in front of her body, as I adjusted my footing. “I will always be grateful to you for saving my life at Aickmere’s. Without you pushing me to survive, I wouldn’t be here now.”
I stayed silent as she continued, a small smile from her, “You and the boys have a relationship I could never have among you. For that, I owe it to them to give you a reason to reconsider.”
It was a valiant act to let go of your pride and to think selflessly to keep us connected. She got something wrong though, I could never keep them safe. I was too reckless and interested in the Talent that grew and festered inside me. I couldn’t have both: a family and my inquisitive nature that would risk my family.
“I appreciate your efforts. You care about them; I could tell from here that they will be in good hands.” Fragments of my heart broke apart as I said those words.
Holly blinked as I said, “This isn’t something I will reconsider. I’ve made my decision.”
…
Holly went home early that day. There was nothing to clean or to pester, everyone kept to themselves secluded in their rooms. I took the liberty to make myself some tea after I had finished. I slowed my steps down the stairs, normally I would take a brisk walk but, this time is probably the last time I’ll be in this house. I took in the many newspaper cut-outs of Lockwood and the various peculiar artifacts that lined the surface of the walls. A semblance of his parents, who collected most of them when they were alive. I seldom knew of them, now that I’m leaving, there was no chance for me to learn more about them.
I reached the second floor and looked at their shut doors. George took it the hardest. He was already in a sour mood for not getting a chance to eat his cake, but it turned for the worst after he abruptly left when I told them of my resignation. Lockwood. He didn’t say anything at all. We just stood in silence before I couldn’t take it anymore and left. Like a coward as I am now. My feet never left the stair as I looked at all the doors on the floor. My eyes reached Jessica’s door. I wasn’t allowed inside; I shouldn’t have been. I couldn’t jab the knife in deeper by, giving her a goodbye against Lockwood’s wishes. I’d already hurt him enough. Saying goodbye to a ghost? Jeez, I'm really at the deep end.
I reached the landing, let go of the banister, and peered into the kitchen. The cake was still there, uneaten and possibly a little stale. The foyer was vacant. All I could hear was the quiet bustle of the street as curfew was coming closer.
I walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove. I leaned my back on the sink as I waited for the hiss to erupt, crossing my arms as I looked at the thinking cloth. The cloth Holly wanted to get rid of is the thing that connects us all in this tiny room. I saw George’s food stains and profanities, Lockwood’s terrible penmanship, and the little doodles I’d do as I listened during meetings.
The hissing broke my reminiscing trance, and I took my chipped white mug from the rack and went to the kettle. My back was facing the door as I heard footsteps coming my way, “You put the kettle on.”
I turned to the familiar voice, and I saw Lockwood standing in the doorway, his hands tucked inside his pockets. He was dressed in his usual outfit, though his collar was askew, and his tie was slightly undone. His hair was messy as if he ran his fingers through it absentmindedly. I hadn’t seen him since last night, but I took note of him, everything of him.
“Yeah, you want some tea?”
Lockwood looked at the kettle and then, back at me, “I was thinking of going out for a bit. To clear my mind. I…was wondering if you’d join me. The kitchen’s a bit…stuffy.” I blinked as I took in his words. I knew it was a bad idea to join him, but when’s the next time I’ll see him, hear his voice that haunted my thoughts?
He straightened, showing his discomfort, “Come on Luce. The least you could do before you–…leave,” he cleared his throat, “is to have a walk with me.”
I set my mug down, “I guess I’m due for a walk.” Lockwood nods and goes to the coat rack to get my jacket, only it wasn’t there anymore. I chuckled, “I’d already packed it.” He looks at me and asks, “Do want to go get it?”
I shook my head, “No, I’ll be fine. This crewneck is warm enough for me.” I knew if I’d unpack one thing, everything else would follow.
“Are you sure–”
“I’m fine. Let’s just go,” I said as I hid my fingers in my sleeve. Lockwood’s jaw tenses as he turns to open the door. Always the gentleman, he holds it open and motions for me to go first, I whispered as I passed, “Thanks.” I went ahead and stayed at the bottom of the stairs to wait for him. It was a cold winter day, and I was shivering within the first few seconds.
Once he locked the door, he came to my side at the bottom of the steps. I looked at his hands and saw he held a navy scarf. He stopped in front of me, “What–” Lockwood didn’t give me a chance and draped the scarf on my shoulders, wrapping the long part around my neck. He gave me the courtesy of fluffing it up, so it covers my chin.
“Let’s walk across the park. There’s a café on the other side,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets as he started walking. I looked both ways before crossing the street, catching up to him. We touched the pavement of the park together and we walked in silence. I guess we didn’t know where to start or who should start. When we reached the middle of the park, a few people walking past with their dogs on leashes, Lockwood stopped.
“I don’t get it.”
I paused, my back facing him as he said, “Why? Lucy.”
My feet acted before I could, and my body turned to face him. Lockwood stood in front of me with his red nose, kissed by the breeze of the impending night, his ears tinged a similar red. I sighed, “I told you, Lockwood. I am a liability, a danger for you all.”
Lockwood stepped closer to me, “We all are to each other, it’s a part of the job.”
I shook my head, “You don’t understand.” He stops in front of me, and out of desperation, he says, “Then help me understand. Let me help you.” I grind my teeth as a sick feeling came to my stomach. I couldn’t tell him that, I didn’t want to speak it into existence. I bet if I did, my words would be heard by the ghosts of Portland Row, aiming to make my biggest fears come true. I turned away from him, “Let’s go to the café. It’s getting cold.”
“Don’t turn away. Don’t leave like this.”
I closed my eyes as I fought the urge to tell him everything. What I did do, was let my body take me to the café across from us, with Lockwood having no choice but to follow.
The café was called Sid’s. It was an indie shop we frequented when we were short on tea. It was a family business, the walls full of family pictures and memorabilia. It gave a homey feel and made you feel calm and collected. Not at all like the modern cafes around the block.
The door dinged as I entered, holding the door for Lockwood to follow behind. I immediately went to our usual booth at the back, close to the big window that showed the street. I crossed my arms as I looked out, the sky changing to a blue, turning deeper and deeper as time passed. The streets were emptying of people as they all went home to avoid the unsightly entities before they creep into the dark.
Lockwood sat in front of me, his face stressed as he settled in. The waitress came to our table with three mugs and set it down. “Oh, is it just you two?”
I bit my lip as I looked at the mugs. We never came alone or in duos, we’d always come as three as a group. I looked at the steaming cups and the strings of the tea bags hanging off the brim. Lockwood nodded, “That’s all right. You can leave them.”
The waitress nodded and took out her notepad, “Do you want to order anything else?”
“No, we’re just swell with the tea,” he replied. The waitress clicked her pen and left us alone. Lockwood passes me a mug as he set one in front of him.
“I’m sorry.”
Lockwood only traced the condensation off the mug as I said those words. I sighed, “I have to do this for myself, for you and George.”
He finally looked at me then, “How is this going to help us? You are needed at Lockwood and Co.”
I shook my head, “You’ll fair just fine without me. You could go back to before I was in the company. You have Holly—”
“You can’t possibly mean that. Has this past year been nothing to you? Do we mean nothing to you?”, he argued. I was taken aback by his jab. If only he knew, and I thought he knew that this past year was the best thing that ever happened to me. “You know how much this job means to me, Lockwood. What you–you guys mean to me.”
Lockwood seethed as he spoke in an aggravated hushed tone, “Then why are you leaving.”
I couldn’t tell him. I knew if I did, he’d try to dissuade me and give me empty promises we both know we couldn’t keep. I drummed my fingers on the table, “I think freelancing will be good for me.”
Lockwood scoffed, “Don’t bluff me with that Lucy.” I shrugged, “It’s true. I want to know more about my powers. An-and I can’t implicate others with this. If I’m alone, I’ll be able to garner my Talent and, have better control. I shouldn't be in an agency right now if I want to learn more about my Talent. Even for you my methods are unorthodox.”
I closed my hands into a fist, “You know the guilt that kills me every day Lockwood. With Wintergarden, at Aickmere’s, and even before then…my recklessness has threatened your life time and time again.” I hid my face in the scarf Lockwood gave me, it smelled of him. The scarf was the only thing giving me comfort.
“Luce,” his hand touched mine, and I looked up in surprise. He softly smiled at me, the smile not quite reaching his eyes, “Remember when I said we’d go carefully? We could change tactics if that’s what you want. We could think of ways for you to grow with your Talents and we can grow together. We couldn’t be Lockwood & Co. without you, Luce.
My memory flashed back to when Lockwood came into my room after a big fight. He dressed the wound I'd gotten, cutting my wrist with my rapier. Bickerstaff and that bloody bone glass mirror were a nuisance. It was the night I confessed I could talk to a Type Three. He was the only one that believed me, believed in me at that time. It was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere.
I show you the future.
Not everything you see is what has passed. Sometimes it is what is yet to be.
The hollow boy appeared as I looked at Lockwood. A glimpse of his ghost made by a Fetch I’d encountered at the King’s Prison. The sight can’t escape me, I don’t think it ever will. I’d blame myself for his death if I stayed, and I wouldn’t be able to take it. Even though it pained me, I took my hands from his, his eyes flashed a glimmer of hurt as I set them on my lap.
“I’ve made my decision. As an employee, I request that you respect it,” I said, only giving him an immovable expression. Lockwood’s hand retreated from me, his face mirrored betrayal. I gulped my dry throat as he said, “How could you?”
I bit my cheek to keep the tears from falling, that welled up as I looked at my friend. My partner to which I devoted almost two years of my life to. Lockwood averts my eyes, looking to the side, “When I told you...I couldn’t lose someone dear to me again. It’s true.”
My eyelids faltered as he said, “We are a team, a unit Lucy. Not just that. You—” He struggled to convey what he was feeling.
“You…you matter to me. I told you, declared myself to you, that I’d do anything for you. That I’d die for you.”
I shook my head, “You shouldn’t. This is precisely why I need to leave.”
“Why? What are you so afraid of? If only you’d just tell me what this is truly about—”
My tears betrayed me as they fell from my eyes, Lockwood watched as my whole being fell apart in front of him. “I can’t. It’s too painful. I need to leave for myself because I can’t bear it,” I whispered.
Lockwood’s nostrils flared as his voice broke, “Then, what about me? I’m destroyed here, Lucy.” I sniffed as I wiped my nose. “I—We can never be complete without you.”
He bowed his head, “Please.”
All I wanted was to go over to him and hug him. It destroyed me to see what I’ve caused. But, this is for the best for him and George. I needed to let go. I said in a small voice, “I’m sorry.”
Lockwood kept his head down, and he didn’t meet my gaze. I kept my chin tucked into his scarf, my tears drenching the wooly fabric as I watched him. Suddenly, he stood from his seat, his eyes muddled with tears of my causing. My breath hitched as I saw the hollow boy once again, but not as a Fetch, but as him.
He didn’t say anything more and took out his wallet, setting a few pounds on the table, and walked out of the café with no more words left to say. I watched his tall figure walk off, fading away from me as the distance grew between us. I sobbed into my hand as I looked at our table. The tea we came for, was now lukewarm water. I covered my face as I laid out my despair for the café to see.
Footsteps came towards me, and I broke away from my hands as the waitress came into view. She set a stack of napkins before me, “You’d better go home. We’re set to close in a few minutes.”
I sniffed as I stood, “Right, I’ll leave right away. Thank you.” She only gave me a small smile as I blew my nose with a tissue.
“Take care of yourself,” she said. I paused and nodded at her. I could only give her a small smile, my face was swelling up from the tears. The waitress collected the mugs leaving me alone again. I stuffed the tissues in my pocket before walking to the door. Now that the sun was setting, there was no one on the streets, I was all alone. Loneliness is a feeling I should learn to get used to. But could I? Without a minute more, I walked back to the home I will soon be leaving from.
As I gazed at the steps, the exterior of this townhouse I felt nostalgic and an aching feeling rumble in my chest at the same time. I knew this was for the best, I had to break the cycle and give myself the stability I need without a trail of regret and guilt behind me. I knew I was inhumane for abandoning my friends so suddenly. But what’s more cruel is subjecting them to my troubles because of their loyalty.
I am a dull-witted, selfish girl for leaving the only family that showed me love; who treated me like their own, while mine didn't. But, I knew I loved them too much to stay.