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"I want to be strong, unwavering. I have to be, I'm supposed to be a pillar for them to lean and rely on."
Those were words Chan had told himself countless times, always quietly in his own head, never meant to be heard by or shared with the rest of the world. But now, with the release of a new '2 kids room' episode featuring him and Seungmin, the entirety of stay and more importantly, the other members, also knew about them.
In the episode, Seungmin had already made it clear to him that even if he showed 'weakness' or cried, they would never think of him differently. And he knows that, god he does. In the rational part of his brain at least.
But there was always this other part that told him he could never do enough, could never be enough for his members, his kids, as he lovingly called them. They deserved the best and he wasn't ever sure he could deliver that, no matter how often they reassured him he was their perfect leader.
It's not at all a new concept that people generally worry about Chan, both his physical condition and his mental health. However, with him now openly mentioning things like wishing he'd have enough control over his emotions to cry only when no one is around, and even regretting crying in front of a member, among other things - it seems like that worrying is at an all-time-high, and not just with stays.
He'd noticed that in the hours after the release of the new 2 kids room episode, he'd been shot looks of slight sadness or sympathy by the other members, vague expressions he couldn't fully read, but they never seemed particularly happy, that was for sure - it becomes especially apparent to Chan when he lies down in his bed late into the night after another day packed with schedules, laptop in hand, deciding to unwind while watching some YouTube videos before he tries to fall asleep. It's quiet as he settles into a comfortable position, sitting back against his headboard, until he hears someone knocking on his door, the person not waiting for a verbal reply from him before coming in.
Said person turns out to be Minho, barging into the room entirely silent, deciding to forego any greeting and instead just seating himself on the edge of Chan's bed after closing the door again, looking off into some corner of his room.
Chain waits one, two, three beats before he breaks the silence.
"Hey Minho, everything okay? I thought you were here to do some working-out with Bin." he said cautiously, glancing at the gym gear the younger was wearing, a blank tank top and matching sporty shorts.
"Sure did, but I needed a break and I can't stop thinking about something, so I came here, to talk to you, get it out of my system y'know." Minho replied, actually looking at Chan now, who gently smiled at him as he moved his laptop off to the side, giving Minho his undivided attention. "Okay, so...? What is it? You know I'always here for you, whatever it is that's bothering you."
"See I appreciate that immensely, but that's also exactly where my problem stems from. I watched the new 2 kids room episode." And oh boy, now Chan could guess in which direction this was going, instinctively shrinking in on himself the tiniest bit. "It's just, what you said hyung, about wanting or needing to be all strong and mighty for us, that won't leave my head. Do you really believe we'd think differently of you if you showed us all of you? All your emotions, your pain or your uncertainty? Because I can guarantee you, we won't, we'd actually really like it if you felt like you could come to us with your concerns too, instead of only seeing your role as the one that should listen to the others'. You're our hyung, our leader, yes, but you're also a human. And every human needs people to vent and rant to when they feel down, so please don't be afraid to do so with us. I know Seungmin already told you this, but I think his words didn't manage to actually get into that thick skull of yours. He probably knows that too, we all know how stubborn the brain in that head can be". By this point, Minho had become much more passionate with his way of speaking, effectively leaning into Chan's space and making sure he looked at him while he talked, even poking his forehead during that last statement, wanting to really get his point across.
And Chan? Chan was kind of speechless, because again, of course he knows how the members feel, how all of them surely feel. But he doesn't know how to tell them that despite this, there is still always a silent war raging on in his own head, against his own brain telling him something different. He opens his mouth, only to close it again, the motion repeating a few times until finally, it seems Minho's patience has run out.
In a rare display of unfiltered affection, he fully crawls onto the bed, effectively throwing himself onto Chan and knocking him back, hugging him so that his back presses into the mattress, his front caged in by Minho's body. Chan let's out a surprised huff at the unexpected movement and he would be confused by his sudden confidence, if it wasn't for Minho hiding his face in the crook of Chan's neck, seemingly not all that interested in holding eye contact anymore.
"I just can't believe you", Minho groans in mock-annoyance, "so smart and yet still so unbelievably dumb when it comes to opening up about your own emotions. And before you come at me for being a hypocrite, shush, I know i suck at feelings too, but this is about you."
Chan chuckles meekly at that, relaxing in Minhos' hold. He feels warm, safe like this, like he's lying under a heated, weighted blanket. Although Minho had started out holding himself up the tiniest bit as to not "crush" Chan, by now he was pressing his full weight onto his hyung, intent on keeping him still and calm. Minho himself undeniably feels warm too, his face heating up where it's pressed into Chan's neck not going unnoticed by the older. It makes him drowsy, though also a bit giddy inside. He could never get enough of being the target of the kids' physical affection after all, always enjoying such moments to the fullest.
However, he doesnt let himself be completely lulled into the warm comfort, knows he has to say something to ease Minho's mind at least a tiny bit, so he gathers his thoughts, weighing possible responses before finally settling on: "Min, I really appreciate you saying this. Believe me, I know you guys are here for me and I want to be more transparent with you. Honest. But it's just hard. It's hard because anytime I try to open up, I have to fight with my own thoughts, and it's exhausting. Makes a part of me wonder if it's even worth the struggle. I... I don't know if I can manage to get over that on my own. "
As he mumbles this, he slowly reciprocates Minho's embrace, loosely looping his arms around his back and drawing mindless shapes into the fabric of his tank top." That's what I'm saying dumbo, you don't have to do it on your own. And you certainly don't have to go full out immediately, just please promise you'll try to come to us more. Even just with this, letting us know about why you struggle to show us your 'vulnerable' side is already such a big step, hyung. A step we appreciate, genuinely." Minho almost whispers, warm breaths puffing into Chan's neck, making him feel even more drowsy, his next response coming out slower: "You know I can't give you any promises, but I'll try my best."
"That's good enough for me."
"... Okay I think that's enough talking for today, I am not made for deep conversation and I am also: deadly tired." Minho mumbles again after a few moments of silence.
"Not going back to your dorm?" Chan chuckles and whispers back.
"Nah, the kids will be fine for one night, if they burn the building down they can deal with it themselves." Minho huffs.
"Heh if you say so. I hope I'll be a good replacement for your bed then, since you apparently don't intend on getting off me any time soon."
"Mhm, good bed indeed, I'd give it a solid 8 out of 10. Could be a bit softer, but 's fine."
Minho slurrs back, voice already heavy with the desire to sleep and Chan can only giggle back, hugging him tighter and snuggling further against Minho's body while ignoring the other's "annoyed" groans, making sure the younger is resting comfortably on top of him.
After some final adjusting, Chan also stills and they lapse into comfortable silence, both drifting off to dreamland soon after.
And if Chan wakes up the next day feeling more rested than he has in a long time, that's nobody's business but his.