Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I’m seeing someone,” Bruce announced one morning over breakfast. “His name is Harold. It’s early days but I’m hopeful.”

Tim murmured something in acknowledgement without looking up from his laptop.

Dick gave a thumbs up over his bowl with one hand whilst spooning cereal into his mouth with the other.

Damian nodded, and continued to eat his eggs and toast, mentally running strategies for the video game he had recently begun playing and hoped to master within the week.

By lunchtime they had all but forgotten about it. It was considered non news. Bruce did this sometimes. Dated. Took some fling or other out on the town a few times then cut them loose as Batman unfailingly took priority. Just another Tuesday.

…

“Bruce Wayne and his latest paramour wreak havoc at Lex Luthor press event” the headline read.

Jason snorted, reading from his phone as he lounged in manors family room. Cass, Barbara and Steph were there too, playing a very tense game of Uno on the rug.

“The drunken pair attempted to ‘free’ the robot shop assistant Luthor Corp was unveiling. When approached for comment Mr Jordan a test-pilot, who was introduced to Mr Wayne by their mutual friend Oliver Queen told reporters, “It’s not fair, he doesn’t deserve to be stuck in retail, people are mean and he should be doing something fun.” Mr Wayne supported this statement, declaring that “We’re taking him to Vegas.”

Cass let lout a chuckle, “Brucie has a friend.”

“Where does he even find these bimbos?” Steph asked, still remembering Brucies last ‘friend’ who had accompanied him to several events last year and had a habit of laughing at jokes before the punchline then clapping her hands. It had been excruciating.

“Weren’t you paying attention?” Jason teased, “He found this one at Oliver’s.”

Barbara laughed. “That explains it.”

…

“Who’s meant to have Galla duty tonight?” Tim asked, glancing around the cave where everyone was in the process of changing for patrol. They all knew that Bruce preferred to have a buffer nearby when he was required to interact with too many of the Gotham elite at once and would be a moody asshole to deal with tomorrow if they made him go alone.

“Me and Babs were going to go,” Dick said, zipping his suit, “but he said he’s taking Harold.”

A few of them let out interested hums.

“Jordan has lasted longer than anticipated,” Damian noted. Voicing what they were all thinking.

“Yeah,” Steph agreed, “How longs that been now? Four months.”

“I give it another week.”

“No bet.”

…

“I met Harold,” Tim mentioned offhandedly over coms as they staked out Penguins latest digs.

“Bruce’s Harold?”

“What other Harold is there, Jay?” Dick challenged.

“I don’t know. Could be another Harold. I don’t keep track of everyone you people hang out with.”

“When did you meet him?” Barbara asked ignoring the bickering.

“This morning, at the office. I went in to assist Mr Fox and Bruce had a meeting. Harold showed up with flowers and brought Bruce a lunch.”

“I thought Bruce was the one who’s meant to ply people with flowers and food. Since he’s loaded and all.”

“That’s what Bruce said. Harold said he wanted to treat his sweetheart.”

Several of them made gagging sounds.

“Wow, this guy’s really laying it on thick.”

“You think he’s playing an angle?”

“Nah, when it comes to spotting gold diggers Bruce’s eyesight is better than Superman. He’d have dumped him by now.”

“What’s he like?” Steph asked Tim.

The line went quiet for a second as he pondered the question.

“Seemed nice.”

…

“Dami,” Dick smiled, opening his door to let his youngest brother in. “What brings you to my neck of the woods?”

Damian breezed past him and toed off his shoes then immediately made a beeline for the guest room to drop off his bag.

“I need to stay here a few days,” he stated, making Dick frown.

“Oh, sure. How come?”

“Father has invited Jordan to spend the weekend at the Manor. He’s behaving strangely.”

“Strangely how?”

“They were dancing.”

“Dancing?”

“Along the hallways. And they were singing at one another. It was unnerving. I can tolerate father’s fool behaviour at events but I refuse to entertain it at home.” He frowned as Dick flopped down to sit on the kitchen floor looking shell shocked.

“Singing?”

…

“Maybe he’s a mark?”

“What?”

Stephanie shrugged at Jason's baffled expression. “I’m just saying. If he’s keeping the act up even when there’s no audience then the Brucie bit must be for this Harold guys sake. Maybe he’s involved in something and Bruce needs to get close to get info.”

“He wouldn’t have brought him to the Manor. Not if he was any sort of threat.”

“What if he’s…?”

“You are reading way too much into this. It’s easy. Bruce found himself a cute piece of ass and wants to get laid. Harold is into dumb rich guys so Bruce needs to play along long enough to get some then he’ll break it off.”

“Eww.”

…

“They look cute together,” Cass said, leaning over the magazine spread which showed Bruce and Harold smiling at each other over the table at La Pergola. Some lucky tourist had noticed the lovebirds and managed to snap a pic before being chased off by the staff. Probably made a tidy sum selling it to the paps.

“What case is Bruce working on at the moment?” Barbara asked.

“Scarecrow. New gas strain.”

“Is Crane sourcing from suppliers in Rome?”

“Nope.” Tim popped the P, shaking his head, eyes still fixed on the photo.

“Are you certain? No other cases in the works which would merit taking a private jet to Europe?”

“None.”

“But…there’s no way he legitimately flew out there just for a romantic weekend with his boy toy…is there?”

…

Bruce was smiling.

This was not an uncommon sight. Contrary to popular belief Bruce smiled a lot. Especially around his kids.

The surprising part was that Bruce was alone, or at least believed he was, not having noticed Dicks arrival in the cave yet.

He was sat at his computer. Dressed as Batman. Wearing everything but the cowl and smiling down at his phone, texting. He was texting Harold. Dick knew he was.

Texting Harold and smiling. To himself. Alone in the cave. With no one to perform for. No one to fool.

It wasn’t just a normal smile either. It was a full-scale grin. Bruce was glowing.

Dick backed out of the room as silently as he’d entered, opening the batkid's group chat as soon as he was clear.

--Family meeting. One hour. Jason's safehouse.--

…

“Listen Dickhead, what gives you the right to volunteer my…?”

“Shut up Jay.”

Jason was poised to bite back but got distracted by Stephanie. “Hey. Feet off the coffee table!” he snarled shoving her boots down off of the polished wood.

“We have a problem.”

“I have several,” Jason countered. “They all showed up uninvited.”

“Bruce is in love.”

The room froze, all eyes fixed on the eldest Robin.

“What?”

“He’s in love.”

“Like in love, in love?” Tim asked.

“Head over heels. Hearts in his eyes. Sunshine and roses. In freaking love.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Damian denied. “I have now met this Harold fellow twice. He is a fool. Father would never lower himself to….”

“He is in love damn it! He dances down hallways, he hums to himself when he’s working, he’s flying off to Rome just because, he lights up every time his phone pings. The man is absolutely positively in love.”

“He’s happy,” Cass smiled.

“Exactly!” Dick snapped his fingers, nodding to the girl in thanks.

“Why is that a problem?” Jason asked perched on the arm of his own couch since all the cushions had been commandeered by sibling intruders. “Happy Bruce is good right?”

“Because,” Dick groaned, rolling his eyes like he couldn’t believe he had to explain this. “He’s in love with Harold. And Harold…is in love with Brucie.”

He paused a moment to let that sink in.

“Brucie,” he repeated just in case it was still unclear. “Not Bruce and sure as shit not Batman.”

From the worried looks on his siblings faces they were starting to get it.

“And if Harold were to discover that he is dating Batman…” Damian pondered.

“He’d run for the hills.”

“And leave Bruce heartbroken.”

Dick nodded, glad they were all on the same page at last. They all looked at one another solemnly, each imagining what a broken-hearted Bruce would look like. How it would feel to see the carefree joy their bat-father-mentor had displayed recently disappear into gloom and despair.

“We cannot let that happen.”

…

Bruce and Hal lay curled together on Hal’s bed, which now that it was seeing regular, athletic use was being remade with fresh sheets at least twice a week.

The sorry state of his bed hadn’t been the most humiliating part of that fateful day for Hal, but for some reason it was the part that had continued to bother him after the embarrassment of the whole lying about dating his teammate’s secret identity, to his teammate thing had faded.

Enjoying the calming scent of camomile wafting off of his pillowcase Hal snuggled closer to Bruce, curling around the larger frame and placing a kiss on a broad shoulder.

Bruce sighed happily and leaned back into the hold. “I was thinking you should come to dinner at the manor this Friday,” he said.

“Hmm?”

“The kids are all going to be home for once. You could come by and meet them.”

It was clear he was trying to keep his tone casual, like it was just an offhanded thought, spur of the moment, no big deal. Hal was certain Bruce had mentally practiced this conversation a hundred times in preparation for this moment, and probably had contingencies prepared for every possible response Hal might give.

Who knew Batman could sound so adorable when he was nervous?

Hal. Hal knew. And he treasured the knowledge.

“Hmm, sure. Sounds fun. The ones I’ve meet so far seemed nice.”

His position plastered to Bruce’s back allowed him to feel the exact moment the tension melted out of the man. Every muscle uncoiling at once.

“Damian glared at you nonstop for an hour,” Bruce pointed out, sounding amused and apologetic.

“It was adorable. He’s like a tiny version of you. Spooky junior.”

Bruce snorted and turned so they were now face to face, legs tangled together.

“You’re really willing to come?”

Hal grinned, the obvious inuendo ready on his lips; but then he saw Bruce’s face; the way his brow furrowed in worry, the fear shining in his eyes, and he let the joke pass unspoken.

“I’d be thrilled to meet your kids,” he said instead.

It was the right thing to say. Even more so because it was the truth.

Bruce surged forward capturing Hal’s mouth in kiss that was as toe curling as Bruce’s kisses always were.

As they separated a thought sprung to Hal’s mind.

“Hey, your kids know I’m Green Lantern, right?”

Chapter Text

“What do you mean you haven’t told them?”

“Why would I tell them?”

“Why would…” Hal gawked at the other man, shifting to sit upright in the bed, the duvet keeping him modest from the waist down.

“When you learned my identity,” Bruce challenged, sitting up as well, “Did you immediately tell all of your family?”

“Well…no.” Obviously he hadn’t told his family. Hal barely spoke to his family. They didn’t even know he was Green Lantern.

“Why would I tell mine about you?” Bruce continued, “I respect secret identities.”

Hal gave him a blank look at that. “You found out the whole League’s identities before they told you. You have files of private info.”

“Well I respect knowledge even more and you were all potential threats that I needed to be prepared for. The point is that once I know someone’s identity, I would never be so cavalier with it that I would just share it around.”

“But…your family are vigilantes.”

“So? You chose to share your identity with the League. None of my children are members of the League. It’s not my place to tell them. Not without your permission.”

“You told me their identities.,” Hal challenged.

“Did I?”

Hal thought about it for a moment and realised abruptly that…no…he hadn’t. Thanks to his obsessive stalking of Bruce Wayne, Hal knew about all of his children. Once he’d learned Bruce was Batman it wasn’t hard to connect the dots between the rest of the Gotham Vigilantes and the ever-growing Wayne brood. Bruce hadn’t actually told him anything, he’d just known.

“Still seems odd you wouldn’t tell them about me. I always assumed they just know everything you know.”

“Why?”

“Well, it just seems like a given,” Hal argues, “Same as…ok so Superman is one of the Leaguers who knows you’re Batman, right? Do you think there is even the slightest chance he didn’t immediately tell his parents?”

“I told them,” Bruce countered. “Months before I told Clark.”

Hal felt his eyes bug out of his head. “What?”

“An alien child crash landed in their back yard and they didn’t breathe a word of it to anyone for decades, Clark moved to Metropolis and immediately revealed himself to the world. I trusted them long before I trusted him.”

“Seriously?”

“Martha and I are in the same online gardening club; we share tips about flowers and gossip about our kids. Jonathan calls me to rant whenever Superman does something particularly stupid.”

The image startled a laugh out of Hal who grinned at his boyfriend, usure if he was being pranked. “You’re kidding me.”

“I think they were relieved to finally have someone other than each other to talk to about him.”

Hal snorted, “Honestly, now that I think about it, I’m surprised you told Clark at all. He’s a reporter, his entire career is built around the phrase “Hey everybody, guess what…””

“It did give me pause.”

Another thought sprung to Hal’s mind, “Hey wait, you told Alfred about me though!” He’d met the old butler several times now and the man absolutely knew who he was.

“I did not.”

“You did. He knows.”

“Oh, he knows, yes, but I didn’t tell him. He just figured it out.”

“How?”

The amused smile Bruce gave in response made Hal feel warm all over, “Well, first he listened to me laugh about Green Lantern’s ridiculous claim to be dating Bruce Wayne…”

“Oh God,” Hal slumped down the bed and shoved his head ender the covers to hide the embarrassed flush spreading all over him. “Bruuuuuce…you told him that? He knows?”

“And then,” Bruce continued, poking at the lump of duvet where his boyfriend was hiding, “He watched me grow more and more besotted with you and the little romance you imagined for us.”

Reluctantly Hal peaked out from under the covers. “Besotted hu?”

“Yep.”

“Not beguiled?” he teased. “Or enraptured?”

“Yes, to both.” Bruce agreed easily, slotting his hand into the gap Hal had created to brush fingers through his hair, “Anyway. He saw me crushing on Green Lantern like a lovesick schoolboy, then suddenly I’m dating Hal Jordan. It wasn’t much of a leap for him to guess.”

Hal leaned into the head scritches with a happy groan, “That’s fair, I suppose. But your kids really don’t know?”

“As far as I am aware. If they do, they haven’t mentioned it to me. I can tell them if you want. Or you can tell them Friday.”

A smile slid over Hal’s face as an idea formed. “Or I could not.”

Bruce tilted his head in question.

“You let me carry on for months with that Bruce Wayne lie. Left me in the dark. I think it might be fun if this time I get to be the one in on the secret.”

“Most of the League don’t know I’m Batman, but they do know you’re dating Bruce Wayne, wouldn’t you prefer to mess with them instead?”

“Oh, I am, don’t worry about that. But I want to mess with your kids a bit too.” He paused, hesitating. “As long as you’re ok with that? I don’t want to cause trouble in your family. If you’re really against it we can tell them Friday.”

Bruce smiled, brushing the hair back from Hal’s forehead and leaning down to place a kiss there.

“I don’t mind. A little deception won’t do them any harm. But are you sure you want to do that? They’ll probably be mad when they find out the truth.

“I’ll risk it. And hey, maybe it will give me a chance to win them over before they find out I’m a meta and bring actual weapons to the shovel talk.”

“You’re not a meta.”

“I can fly.”

“With a power ring.”

“Still counts.”

“I can fly with a plane. Doesn’t make me a meta.”

“I’m still not convinced you aren’t, vampire boy.”

“Not a vampire.”

“The hickey on my neck says otherwise.”

Bruce lunged forward and latched onto that same hickey with a playful growl and Hal quickly forgot what they were talking about.

Chapter Text

“Now, remember everyone, as far as this guy knows, we are a nice normal family.”

Dick stood tall, walking the length of his siblings who were lined up like the von-Trapp kids. He’d had a whistle at one point but Jason had taken it away and threatened to make him swallow it.

After two full passes he stepped back and turned to view them all at once. Inspecting the troops.

They looked…awful.

Truly horrendous. Like extras from the set of Clueless.

They looked like rich kids.

“Tonight, we are not the Bats of Gotham,” he reminded them. “We are not highly trained fighters. We are not competent or dangerous. We are the airhead children of Brucie Wayne. We need to be as non-threatening and non-suspicious as possible. We need Harold to feel safe.”

He eyed Damian warily. It had taken three of them to stuff the boy into a pair of tan shorts and a light blue polo shirt. He was glaring daggers. And probably concealing some as well. They had searched him several times but you could never be sure with Damian.

Dick planned to keep the boy close so he could intervene if the youngster snapped and went feral at any point.

“How long are we gona have to keep this up?” Stephanie complained, fiddling with the pleats in her yellow skirt.

“Just until Bruce gets through whatever midlife madness he’s experiencing and breaks up with Harold on his own terms. That’s the goal here, ok? We know this thing, whatever it is, isn’t forever, but Bruce has to be the one to end it. If Harold dumps him, he’ll be devastated.”

“And Harold mustn’t find out about Batman.” Barbara reminded them.

“And Harold mustn’t find out about Batman.” Dick agreed.

“Why doesn’t she have to dress up?” Tim demanded, glaring at the redhead. He was wearing clothes his mother had once bought him. Items that had been stuffed in boxes and forgotten about when he moved to the manor. He wished they had stayed forgotten.

Barbara angled her wheelchair towards him and stuck her tongue out. “Because I’m not one of you rich brats,” she taunted, “I’m the daughter of a working-class public servant, and since I’m just here as Dicks girlfriend and not a Wayne adoptee I can dress how I like.”

“Why are you even here at all then? This dinner is meant to be about Bruce’s kids meeting his boyfriend. You are neither.”

“Because, you all look ridiculous. I wasn’t going to miss this for the world.”

…

Dinner was a pleasant affair.

Too pleasant.

Bruce never thought he could get sick of hearing his children call him dad, yet somehow here they were.

Things had been off from the start with all the boys greeting Bruce in the dining room with wide smiles and offering handshakes to Hal in welcome. The girls in turn had each kissed Bruce on the cheek and given Hal a hug.

They had taken their seats without squabbling and almost in sync had laid napkins over their laps the way Alfred once taught them in his etiquette crash course, prompting Hal to awkwardly do the same.

“Oh, this looks just lovely,” Jason had praised as the first course was served. “Thank you, Alfred.”

“Thank you, Alfred.” The rest had chorused.

“Thanks, Alfred,” Hal muttered, earning a sympathetic smile from the butler.

Bruce just made eye contact as his plate was set down and hoped his expression appropriately conveyed ‘what the fuck?’ From the amused crinkle around the older man’s eyes, it had.

“It’s good to see you again Harold.” Tim announced, taking the lead in the dinner conversation.

“Yes, it’s so nice to finally meet you,” Jason added. “Dad’s, told us so much about you.”

He hadn’t told them much of anything.

“He has?” Hal asked, eyes flicking between the set of too wide smiles and the confused looking Bruce.

“Oh yes. He can’t shut up about you. Such a chatterbox our dad is. Just Harold this and Harold that, all the time.”

“Ok. Um…all good things I hope?”

“Yes, yes. All good things.”

“Uh…good,” Hal picked at his food. “Well…he’s told me a lot about you guys as well. I know he’s real proud of you kids and I’m looking forward to getting to know you all.”

“Hal will be staying the weekend,” Bruce cut in. “I hope you’ll all be about to spend some time with us if you can.”

Dick smiled brightly. “I’m free tomorrow.”

“Great. What about the rest of you?”

“Cassie and I are going to get our nails done tomorrow,” Stephanie apologised, “As long as that ok with you dad?”

“Uh…sure.”

“We’ll be back in the afternoon though.”

“I haven’t had my nails done in forever,” Barbara sighed woefully.

“Oh, you must join us, you absolutely must.”

“Yes,” Cassandra agreed, struggling to hold a fork with the dangerously long press on acrylics already stuck to her fingers. “Girls day out.”

“Well, you girls have fun,” Bruce offered, only slightly afraid for his life.

“Well, maybe we can arrange an activity for us boys then?” Hal ventured. “As long as you’re not busy as well?”

“Fishing,” Dick blurted, making everyone’s eyebrows shoot up. “Uh, I mean, I don’t know if dad has given you a tour of the ground’s yet, but there’s a splendid lake to the west. If you wanted, we could go and do a spot of fishing.”

“Fishing. Uh, yeah. Sounds good.” Hal glanced towards Bruce in question and Bruce shrugged.

Fishing? He hadn’t fished in his life. Bruce couldn’t remember the last time he’d even been down to the lake. Did they even have rods? The surprising lack of protest from Damian about animal/fish cruelty, just added to the strangeness.

Jason, Tim, and Damian all nodded in agreement to the idea. Apparently, they would be doing some fishing tomorrow.

“Damian, how’s school?” Bruce asked, hopeful that hearing his youngest rant about the incompetence of his teachers would help restore some normality.

The boy’s face shifted to the familiar scowl and he was clearly ready to launch into a scathing torrent when Dick discretely nudged him with an elbow and his expression shifted to a forced smile. “School is good fath…uh..dad. We are…learning to make rockets out of water bottles. It is fun.”

What is happening?

By the second course Bruce was fighting the urge to summon the League and have all his kids quarantined so he could have them checked for mind alterations. Maybe they’d been replaced with pod people? Was that a thing? Pod people could be a thing. He’d seen weirder.

Conversation cycled from the weather, to books, to fashion, to the latest celebrity gossip, then back to the weather. It was all very calm and inoffensive. Standard dinner party fare. It was painful.

Hal answered a few questions about himself, his life, and his relationship with Bruce without giving away anything about his extracurricular activities or revealing any knowledge of theirs. A normal man meeting a normal family.

“How do you know Oliver?” Cassandra asked at one point.

“He got drunk and threw up on me in a casino in Vegas,” Hal told them. “Bought me a whole new wardrobe as an apology. Been friends ever since.”

The Vegas incident had actually happened. Except it had been on an alien planets equivalent of Vegas during a mission and he had already known Oliver for over a year by then.

“Eww,” Barbara winced, “I hope everything he bought you was super nice to make up for that.”

“Nice enough to catch Brucie’s attention,” Hal chuckled throwing his boyfriend a wink, oblivious to the looks of disgust the kids quickly forced off their faces.

“Pretty sure you weren’t wearing much of anything when we met,” Bruce smirked back. At the kids horrified looks he clarified, “It was a pool party.”

“You went to a pool party without me?” Jason complained.

“It was a drunken pool party,” Bruce explained to the nineteen-year-old.

“You went to a drunken pool party without me?”

Hal chuckled, confident somehow that that moment was the most genuine any of the kids had been all night.

Sadly, it didn’t last.

As the desert round was plated up the smiles became as sickly sweet as the pudding. Every word excessively nice as they all saw freedom approaching.

“It really has been so lovely meeting you Harold.”

“Hal, you can call me Hal if you like. I would actually prefer…”

“Hal. Oh, that’s so sweet of you, Hal.”

“It’s been good to meet you, Hal.” Tim insisted. “We’re glad you’re here.”

“Yes, yes, we are,” the others agreed.

Hal couldn’t shovel pudding into his face fast enough. He needed this night to be over.

Finally, it was.

Another round of hugs, cheek kisses and handshakes preceded the kid’s departure and everyone breathed a sigh of relief when the door clicked shut separating Bruce and Hal from the group of youngsters once more.

…

“Great job guys,” Dick praised once they were clear of the dining room, “I think we really pulled that off.”

“Fishing? Fishing, Dick? Really?”

“I panicked.”

“There are no fish in that lake," Damian pointed out.

“God damn it!”

…

“They know,” Hal declared, as soon as the kids were gone, “They know about me.”

“I don’t think they know.”

“Then what the heck was that? You can’t tell me that was normal?”

“No. That was weird.”

“They know. They know and they don’t approve. That’s what that whole ‘Delightful Children’ act was about. They’re trying to psych me out.”

“They are not…”

“They are. And it’s not going to work.”

“Hal…”

“It’s a challenge. They know your Brucie act is a big part of your life, and if we’re together then I need to be able to play the part of your bimbo boyfriend when in public.”

“No one ever said you had to be a bimbo.”

“They don’t think I can do it. They are trying to see if I’ll crack under pressure. Well, it’s not going to work!”

“Hal…”

“I’ll show them I can play ball. I’m going to be the perfect Brucie boyfriend. The trashiest piece of arm candy anyone ever saw.”

“Lucky me,” Bruce deadpanned.

“Meet me by the Bentley in ten. Bring your credit cards. We’re going shopping and I’m going to have my Pretty Woman moment.”

With that he marched out of the room leaving Bruce to wonder what the heck he’d gotten himself into this time.

Alfred was calmly clearing away the table, face blank in the perfect mask of professionalism befitting a butler. No indication he was listening to or in any way interested in the conversation that had just happened in front of him.

“You know something I don’t.”

“That statement is frequently true Master Bruce.”

Letting the tiniest hint of a smile show on his face Alfred disappeared through the servant’s door to the kitchen with the tray of dirty plates he had collected.

For a brief moment Bruce considered tracking down his children and demanding answers. Some sort of explanation on why they were behaving, and dressing, so strangely. Perhaps issue a desperate plea that they cease and desist.

“Five minutes Bruce,” Hal called from the hallway, presumably having changed out of his dinner clothes and now heading for the garage.

“You know what,” Bruce said to no one in particular, “I’m just going to let this play out.”

He glanced at his watch, pondering what shops would even still be open this late in the evening. He might have to bribe some people.

Oh, the things he had to do to keep his trashy arm candy happy.

Chapter Text

Hal prodded at the fishing rod which was propped against the side of the boat; its line trailing out into the water. “Doesn’t look like much is biting,” he commented, throwing a grin over his shoulder at the two boys and leaning to look into the water and see if he could spot anything moving. “I guess we’ll just have to be patient.”

“We’ll be waiting a long while,” Jason muttered under his breath, earning a punch to the leg from Dick which he promptly returned.

“Ah, it’s fine,” Hal said, pretending not to notice the bickering as he turned fully into the boat again. “I’ll be honest, I’m not much a fan of fishing.”

“Then why did you agree to come?”

Hal grinned wide as if he’d been waiting for just that question, and he had. “Because silly, the fun in fishing isn’t in catching fish, it’s in siting in a boat and drinking margaritas!” he finished in a sing song voice, flipping open the picnic hamper they’d brought and pulling out a mixer bottle hidden under the napkins.

“Now we’re talking!” Jason cheered, already reaching for one of the little plastic cups Hal pulled out alongside the bottle.

Dick gawked in shock. “You know he’s not old enough to drink right?” he said, gesturing towards Jason.

“He is in England.”

“We’re not in England.”

Hal pulled a face at him, deliberately sardonic. “Are you telling me that the country that gave us Alfred Pennyworth is wrong? Is that what you’re saying?”

Jason grinned, letting Hal fill his cup to the brim, “Yeah Dick, are you gona go and tell Alfred his country is wrong?”

“That’s not what I…”

“Shh Shh Shh, here,” Hal hushed him, pressing a cup into his hand and half filling it. “Drink, relax, be merry. I only brought the one flask, between the three of us it barely even counts as drinking.”

…

Dick blinked at the cup, looking from Hal to Jason who had already finished half of his own drink.

“Why are you hesitating,” the younger boy asked rolling his eyes, “You’re twenty-three.”

To be honest, Dick had been drinking when he was younger than Jason was now, and knew that Jason regularly indulged himself anyway. His protest was less to do with actual concern with a nineteen-year-old drinking and more to do with whether Richard ‘Richie’ Grayson-Wayne, son of Brucie Wayne should be against it.

“Dad wouldn’t want…”

“Oh pish, Brucie won’t mind.” Hal insisted.

Across the lake they could hear Bruce’s steady cry of “and row, and row, and row,” as he directed Tim and Damian in pushing the other boat across the water. Each boy manning one of the two oars. Tim had mentioned an interest in joining his schools rowing team and asked Bruce if he could help him practice. Damian, both sensing an opportunity to prove his superiority to the other boy and determined not to let Tim monopolised their father’s attention even for a brief time had immediately developed an interest in the sport as well. Dick was tentatively optimistic that it would give the two something to bond over.

Hal wiggled the cup he was holding and waggled his eyebrows. “It’s grapefruit flavoured!”

After a further brief hesitation Dick shrugged and accepted the offering. Bruce didn’t actually care if they drank. As long as they were responsible about it. The man had seen enough kids at boarding school who were raised with so many limits that the moment they were out of their parent’s line of sight they went entirely off the rails. He knew that letting teens enjoy a little drink here and there allowed them to safely figure out their own limits in an environment where the parents could see them and intervene if need be, instead of pushing them to sneak around and get drunk in secret where anything could happen.

And as Jason said, Dick was twenty-three, he could drink either way. It was just odd to have Hal encouraging Jason like this.

For a while the three didn’t speak much, just lounging in the sun and sipping their drinks. Dick and Jason dressed like they had just escaped from a prep school. Hal wearing a brand-new outfit that Bruce had lovingly described as, ‘If Popeye the Sailor Man was sponsored by Dior’

Then in a moment of inspiration, Dick turned towards Hal with a haughty expression. “So, tell me Harold, what exactly are your intentions with our father?”

Hal hummed, appearing to think about it, “Well, first I intend to get him knocked up in a drunken tryst that will ruin both his cheerleading dreams and plans for college.”

Jason almost choked on his drink.

“Then I plan to run away from my responsibilities and go into hiding somewhere in Iowa, until Alfred, in a parental rage tracks me down with a two-barrel shotgun and drags me back here, forcing me to do the right thing in a rushed backyard wedding.”

The lake around them was calm and still for a moment, then the peace was broken as all three broke down giggling, rocking the boat from side to side where they were rolling about in mirth.

“Ah, man. You’re alright Jordan.” Jason told him, grinning wide and raising his cup for a toast which Hal met with his own.

Dick chuckled along with them until thought struck him. “For real though…if Bruce was capable of getting pregnant…”

“He would!” Jason gasped, eyes wide in terror. “He absolutely would. He’d have as many as he could. We’d be overrun with kids.”

“Should I be worried?” Hal asked.

“Terrified!”

That of course set them off again.

…

“And row! And row! And row!”

“Father,” Damian called out, distractedly losing grip on his oar. The boy raised his hand to point across the lake.

Bruce jolted, rushing to brace himself and regain his balance as the boat listed roughly to one side.

“What the…”

“What are they doing?” Tim wondered aloud, twisting in his seat as he too turned to look at the spectacle that had caught Damian’s attention.

Bruce followed their line of sight to the other boat where Hal, Dick, and Jason were all standing up in a row and waving their hands about in unison. “By the looks of it,” he mused, “The YMCA.”

“They had better be careful,” Damian observed, “or else they’ll...”

SPLASH!!

Three shrieks of terror echoed across the lake as the boat toppled.

“Jinx,” Tim called out. “You spoke too soon.”

He and Damian locked eyes for a heated moment then both descended into fits of hysterics.

“They’re swimming towards us,” Bruce pointed out. “We should probably help.”

“and row!” Tim shouted, grabbing his oar as Damian did the same, Between, them they swung the boat around and set off.

“We’re going the wrong way,” Bruce told them, frowning as they sped further and further away from the three in the water.

“Row! Row! Row!” Damian and Tim chanted together.

Despite his mild concern as Hal, Dick, and Jason fell further and further behind Bruce couldn’t help but smile. It was nice to see his two youngest getting along for once.

Chapter Text

“Eww, why are you all wet?” Stephanie demanded as the six dripping males trudged through the rear door into the kitchen leaving a trailing puddle in their wake.

On the far side of the kitchen a ceiling-height stained-glass window provided ample light to the couch, armchair, and coffee table arrangement that the family had lovingly dubbed Alfred’s corner. Alfred himself looked up from the armchair he was reclining in and frowned over the top of his book. “The mops are in the cupboard Master Bruce,” he stated primly, took a pointed sip of tea then returned to reading, making the most of his day off.

Hal saluted the older man and immediately beelined for the cupboard.

“We fell in,” Jason answered the girls’ question with a grin.

“We were dragged in,” Damian scowled, glaring at his two oldest brothers.

“I jumped,” Bruce added brightly.

After growing tired of swimming after the boat Hal had feigned drowning, dramatically calling out for help until Bruce dived in to save him. The momentum of his dive had rocked the boat enough to swing it around and given Dick and Jason a chance to catch up. What followed was a game the two oldest called Kraken where they swam around the boat, pulling at the sides, splashing water up inside and generally attempting to ‘shipwreck the sailors.’

A wide grin spread over Jason’s face as he stepped closer to Stephanie who was sticking her nose up at them all, unimpressed. “Dearest sister of mine,” he crooned, “give me a hug!”

Steph screeched as he lunged towards her, arms opened wide. “Don’t you dare!”

“Come on sis, hug me. Don’t you love me?”

She flashed two freshly manicured middle fingers at him and backed away. “Get away you miserable aaahrgh,” So focused on Jason she was, the unfortunate teen didn’t notice Tim sneaking up behind her until it was too late. Displaying surprising strength, Tim wrapped the blonde in a bear hug from behind and picked her up, spinning them both in a circle as she screeched in outrange and kicked her feet.

Jason immediately turned his attention on Cassandra, with Damian joining him to try to trap the older girl in a pincer movement whist she darted around the kitchen island to evade them.

“Don’t even think about it,” Barbara warned a laughing Dick, who paid her no mind at all as he cartwheeled across the kitchen and deposited himself in her lap soaking her thoroughly. “I’m leaving you. You are so dumped!” She spun her chair in circles and jolted it back and forth, trying to buck him off like a mechanical bull.

Steph wriggled free of Tim’s hold and grabbed a tea towel swiping it through the largest puddle she could find on the floor to wet it then winding it tightly as she turned the tables. “You’re gonna get it now Tim,” she threatened, smirking at the wide-eyed look of fear on his face.

“Now, let’s not be hasty,” Tim said, backing off. He gave a yelp as the towel flicked towards him with a sharp crack, just missing by a hair. He ran, passing by Cassandra who leaped over the counter to evade Damian, swiping the fruit bowl at the youngest boy to slow him down.

The kids chased each other around the kitchen laughing and squealing, darting between Hal and Bruce who were both ineffectually attempting to mop the floor even as more water dripped off of everyone.

From his corner, Alfred peeked over the top of his book, watching on in amusement.

“Back!” Cassandra commanded, yanking the mop from Bruce’s hand and brandishing it like a sword, holding her pursuers away.

Jason grinned and swiped Hal’s mop, matching her stance. “En garde!” he cried, and they were off, viciously beating one another back both delighting in the battle.

Now mopless Bruce and Hal stood to one side, watching the chaos. Hal let out a low whistle as Cassandra performed an impressive manoeuvre, pirouetting around a puddle, smoothly jumping over Jason’s mop handle as it swung towards her, then deflecting his next strike and spinning to knock his mop up and to the side, clearing space for her to aim a kick to his stomach, all whilst dodging pieces of fruit that Damian had begun launching at the pair of them as an added challenge.

“Wow, you’re a really good fighter,” Hal praised. “Where’d you learn those moves?”

The whole room froze. Six youngsters coming to a dead stop as they collectively realised they’d forgotten themselves in the excitement. Cassandra was wide eyed, mouth hanging open.

Steph jumped in first, “Uh…yeah…she does uh…”

“Fencing.” “Ballet.” “Gymnastics.” Barbara, Tim, and Dick finished respectively.

“She does fencing, ballet, and gymnastics,” Jason summarised. “So, she’s uh...very dexterous.”

Hal glanced between the lot of them, blinking innocently then nodded as if this was a totally acceptable explanation for the advanced fighting techniques he had just witnessed. “Cool.”

…

Now that the playful atmosphere was broken, the still mostly dry girls retreated to the family room complaining loudly about idiot brothers. The six males, with minimal embarrassment, striped down to their underpants, wringing their wet clothes into the cleaners sink near the back door and depositing them in a pile to be washed later. A few hand towels were procured allowing them to dry off just enough to get back to their rooms without spreading water through the whole house. Whist the boys went to get showered and changed, Hal and Bruce still in just their underpants retrieved their stolen mops and finished cleaning up the kitchen under Alfred’s amused and watchful eye.

“You missed a spot,” the butler noted, making Bruce scowl and flick the mop towards him.

“You’re fired.”

“You wouldn’t last a day without me.”

“He can hire me to replace you,” Hal interrupted with a grin. “I’d make an excellent maid. I already have the uniform, don't I Bruce?”

Alfred choked on his mouthful of tea and Bruce laughed till he cried.

…

Shopping bags of every shape and size littered the tabletop where the girls had deposited them earlier. Apparently, the spa day had evolved into a shopping trip.

“Catwalk!” Hal cried when he and Bruce, now freshly dried and dressed in loungewear joined the kids in the family room to find the girls showing off their haul. “Catwalk! Catwalk! Show us what you’ve got.”

It took surprisingly little persuasion to get the girls on board. Working together the group cleared a path through the seating area to make space for the impromptu fashion show.

“Work it sister!” Tim cheered as Stephanie strutted down the makeshift catwalk, the others whistling and cheering her on. The dress she had on was a gorgeous mauve with an iridescent shimmer to it, perfect for the summer flower show she had agreed to join Bruce at this year. One of many social obligations of the Wayne family.

“Woah,” Jason gasped dramatically, “You clean up good kid. Who knew?”

She poked her tongue out at him and blew everyone else a kiss as she made her way back to the door.

Next was Barbara who was beaming as she showed off the gown she’d selected for the Gotham City Policeman’s Ball. The navy-blue bodice covered in tiny rhinestones sparkled like the night sky, while the heavy layers of tule artfully spilled over her lap created an elegant effect she couldn’t get enough off. She looked like a queen on a throne.

“Absolutely gorgeous,” Bruce praised.

Dick looked entranced. “Wow Babs. Wow.”

“It’s not too much?”

“Not at all. You look perfect.” Hal assured her.

“I, I don’t know. Maybe it’s…it was pretty expensive.” She bit her lip, clearly second guessing the purchase despite her obvious love for the dress. “Maybe I should take it back?”

“Who paid?” Bruce asked.

“You did,” Steph told him, flashing the credit card he’d provided her when she moved in. He’d been confident that was the case, but it was nice to have confirmation.

“Then it’s worth every penny.”

“But…”

“Worth every penny and more. You can’t return it. If you try, I’ll just buy it back again.”

Barbara couldn’t hide the relief on her face at knowing she was allowed to keep the dress without guilt. “Thank you.”

Last but not least was Cassandra, wearing the dress she had selected for the Martha Wayne Foundation Galla. They all watched mesmerised as she glided down the catwalk and struck a few poses, voguing like Madonna.

Bruce took a deep breath to collect his thoughts.

“Absolutely not.”

They all turned on him in outrage.

“Excuse me old man?” Stephanie challenged, “She looks great!”

She did look great. The form fitting black number clung to every curve of the twenty-one-year-old making her look frighteningly mature. Someone who wasn’t her father might even say she looked sexy.

“No. I don’t like it.”

“Ignore him,” Hal insisted, shaking his head. “Brucie here is just having a protective dad moment.”

“She can’t wear that in public.”

“We’ll make sure she’s armed with a mop to beat the boys back,” Hal insisted.

“Boys?” Bruce looked utterly horrified at the very suggestion that there would be boys near his not so little girl.

“Deep breaths dear,” Hal soothed. “Calm.” Then with the slow deliberate movements of one who is still learning, he turned to Cass and signed, ‘You look beautiful.’

Cassandra startled surprised, then smiled in absolute delight.

“Did I do it right?” Hal asked, looking from Cass to Bruce then back again for reassurance. “Brucie says you prefer signing so I’ve been practicing.”

He quickly found himself wrapped in a tight hug. “Perfect.” Cass whispered pressing a kiss to his cheek, then leaned back and signed, ‘Thank you.’

…

That night after they departed for bed Hal stepped out of the ensuite in Bruce’s room to find the man curled on top of the duvet looking teary eyed.

“What’s wrong Love?” Honestly, he’d thought the day had gone great.

Bruce sniffed and looked up at him as Hal ran a hand through his hair.

“I looked up the value of all the things the girls bought today,” he admitted.

Hal paused his stroking. “Oh?”

“They spent so much money. So much Hal. Even more than you spent yesterday.”

Hal felt a light flush of embarrassment when he remembered his impulsive shopping spree the previous evening but pushed it down in favour of defending the kids. “Bruce, come on. It’s not like you can’t afford it.”

“Exactly!” Bruce said, sitting up. “Hal, do you have any idea how hard it is getting those kids to spend my money?”

“Uh…”

“They each have their own allowances, accounts they can access, but most of them barely touch them. I don’t monitor them or anything but, I set them to top up when the funds drop below a certain point and none of them ever have. It’s like they’re afraid of spending. Afraid to be spoiled. Even a little. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen my kids gazing into shop windows clearly wanting something inside but then vehemently denying interest when I suggests we go in and buy whatever they wanted. Most of them grew up with poverty but sometimes it feels like they don’t believe their situation has changed. Like they don’t trust this is permanent and are afraid to let themselves get used to it. It drives me crazy. Even Tim and Damian who did come from wealth, they still don’t trust it. Don’t trust gifts. I think it’s because in the environments they grew up in, the people who raised them, gifts were never just gifts, you know? They came with conditions. I’ve just never known how to reassure them that there are no hidden strings anymore.”

Hal nodded in understanding. “It was nice,” Bruce continued, “Seeing the girls splurge like that today. Seeing them get things they like and damn the expense.”

Hal smiled, laying down beside Bruce and pulling him into a hug. “So, you want them to be spoiled rich kids?” he joked.

“I want them to be happy and have things they want.”

“Well, they seem to be getting the message.”

“Hmm, yeah. Whatever performance they are putting on for you, it seems important enough to them that they are willing to overlook their inherent need to live like paupers and actually splurge for once.”

“Even if it's just to maintain the act.” Hal concluded.

“Do you think they’ll stop when they learn the truth?”

“Bruce we’ve been over this. They know. They’re screwing with me.”

“Agree to disagree. I don’t think they know a thing.”

“You’re underestimating them. These kids are smart.”

“They are smart. Unfortunately, all of my children have inherited their father’s ability to be both very intelligent and an absolute dumbass.”

Hal barked a laugh. “So, you admit you’re a dumbass?”

“On occasion.”

“At least you’re self-aware.”

“It’s a gift and a curse.”

The two chuckled, cuddling together. “To answer your question, I don’t know if they will stop spending money when we call them out on their knowledge of my Lantern-ness that they absolutely have. Do you want to stop the charade?” Hal would be disappointed if they did. He still had a lot more mayhem in him.

“Not just yet. Let them have a few more shopping trips first. Maybe get the boys involved. Tim needs new shoes.”

…

Down the hall, the batkids gathered in Damian’s bedroom which had been randomly elected as their meeting place, much to the youngest boy’s annoyance.

“Guys,” Jason huffed, running his hand through his hair in agitation, “I like this guy.”

“Me too,” Stephanie said. “He’s fun.”

Cass nodded, still delighted by Hal’s efforts in learning sign for her. “And nice.”

“He is proving to be a suitable match for father,” agreed Damian who had warmed considerably to Hal when he’d learned the man was also a vegetarian.

What he didn’t yet know was that Hal’s decision to forgo meat stemmed directly from his role as Green Lantern and the wide variety of species in the corps. As he’d explained it to Bruce, 'it’s hard to enjoy a burger when just last week I was having a conversation with a fellow Lantern who looked like a cow'.

“I’m going to be sad when Bruce breaks up with him,” Tim admitted.

The others all nodded in agreement until Dick threw up his hands. “What if he doesn’t?”

“Doesn’t what?”

“Doesn’t break up with him. Guys, what if Hal is the one? Bruce seems happy. I think he wants to keep this as long as he can. As long as Hal doesn’t leave him…”

“Dick,” Jason sighed, “You know why that’s not possible. You were the one who said it first. Hal would freak out if he ever learned about Batman. Even if Bruce wants to hold onto this relationship, there’s no way he can hide his identity forever. Not from his lover.”

“But what if I was wrong? I hadn’t met Hal when I said that. He’s…he seems more relaxed than I thought. Maybe he’ll be ok with it?”

“Dick…”

“I’m just saying we shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

“You’re just getting your hopes up.”

“Not wrong though,” Cass defended her oldest brother.

“Cass, not you too.” Jason groaned.

“We need more information,” the young woman insisted. “Need to find out what Hal thinks of Batman.”

“But we need to do it without being too obvious that we want to know his opinion on Batman. Like we can’t just ask him outright, ok? Because that would be too suspicious,” Steph added.

Jason shook his head in exasperation, “How do we play this then?”

Tim raised his hand as if he were in school. “I have an idea.”

…

One week later;

“Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to Gotham Late Night Chat where we are talking with our favourite recuring guest Gotham’s favourite sweetheart Mr Brucie Wayne and with him tonight the man we have all been dying to meet, the man who captured our Brucies heart, the now infamous Harold Jordan. Stay turned Gotham for interviews, film reviews, jazzy blues, and for your entertainment a special segment later tonight where our two guests will be playing an absolutely ‘heroic’ game of Fuck, Mary, Kill; if you catch my drift. Once again, all that and more on this episode of Gotham Late Night Chat.”

The assembled group of batkids all stared at the TV with their jaws on the ground.

“Tim, how the Hell did you set this up?”

“A magician never reveals his tricks.”

Chapter Text

“So, you didn’t even know his name at that point?” Jessica Tran was asking, her grin wide and enthusiastic as she hyped up both the TV viewers and her live audience.

On the couch beside her Bruce threw his head back and laughed, delightedly recounting the tale of how he and Hal first met. “I had no idea, I just saw a cute guy, went over and said ‘Ollie has asked me not to make a scene so I need you to make out with me in the name of mischief’ and Hal just set his drink down and pulled me into his lap.”

“Introductions came later,” Hal chuckled adding to the narrative, “There was important work to be done.”

“Annoying Oliver Queen?” Jess clarified.

“It’s a full-time job and one I take very seriously,” Bruce agreed to rapturous applause from the audience.

“I can’t believe we let Brucie out in public,” Tim muttered, covering his face with the blanket that was spread across him, Dick, and Stephanie on the three-seater back at the manor. On the screen in front of them Brucie was climbing into Hal’s lap, apparently to demonstrate their first drunken kiss.

“This was your idea, Drake,” Damian pointed out.

“I know, but when I set this up, I was just thinking of getting Hal on the show. I forgot to account for Brucie being the one with him. I just…I get so used to Bruce being Bruce I forget how much Brucie can be when he’s unleashed.”

Jason tutted. “Rookie mistake.”

On the screen, Bruce thankfully returned to his own seat, although he and Hal were now holding hands looking just as sappy and loved up as they supposedly were.

“So Brucie, Hal,” Jess prompted, “You have now been together by our count for almost seven months. Which is Brucies longest public relationship on record.”

Bruce covered his face with his one free hand, “Oh that doesn’t seem like a very good track record for me, does it?”

“No, no, you’re fine,” Jess denied shaking her head, “It just means you were holding out for the right guy, right? Am I right?” She looked to the audience imploringly and was met with cheers of agreement, “You see? Now what I want to ask is, now that you are in your longest-term relationship to date do you have any advice for the young lovers out there trying to make it work?”

Bruce and Hal glanced at one another and shared a look, then Hal turned to answer, “I think I would say, resolve problems quickly and don’t let them fester.”

Bruce nodded in agreement. “Truth is, we had a bit of a rocky start.”

Sounds of interest sprung up all over the studio and even at the manor all the kids leaned forward intrigued. “Oh, tell us more.”

“Well, there were a few little fights or even just throw away comments where one of us would forget all about it afterwards and the other would be fretting for days just catastrophising. And other times when one of us was angry about something and the other was oblivious and it just built up until it all burst out in a big argument that might have been avoided if we’d just talked sooner.”

“Oh no!” Jess gasped.

“Well, we came up with a system,” Bruce smiled. “Every morning first thing, we each send the other a quick text saying how we feel at that moment.”

“We decided to do it in the morning because sometimes things we’re mad about in the evening seem far less important after a good night’s sleep,” Hal added.

Bruce nodded, “We call it our daily check in. So, if everything is fine, we can say; ‘all is well, I’m not mad at you for anything’ and it provides some peace of mind that there’s no unspoken anger on either side. But if there is something that’s upsetting one of us, we can say so and address it there and then, rather than letting it build up.”

“Like someone leaving the toothpaste cap off for the third time in a row,” Hal said pointedly sending a playful glare at Bruce who ducked his head bashfully. “You can tell this guy grew up with a butler,” Hal told Jess with a smirk.

The host chuckled on cue and smiled, “Well that sounds like a darn good system.”

It really was. There had been more than a few arguments between the pair when they first got together, mostly stemming from continued professional disagreements as Green Lantern and Batman. The daily check in had helped facilitate a few much-needed conversations. Some led to arguments, some helped avoid them. All eventually resolved without bloodshed which was more than the pair had managed in the past.

Bruce was thinking of trialling the same method with each of his kids soon.

“It’s a great system when someone isn’t abusing it,” Hal teased reproachfully, turning to give Bruce a look.

Bruce just giggled, instantly piquing Jess’s (and everyone else’s) interest.

“What did Brucie do?”

“Well…”

“My children are watching this,” Bruce protested, covering his face to hide his blush.

“Oh, now we really need to hear this! Don’t we folks?”

The audience enthusiastically agreed.

“Well,” Hal continued, undeterred, “The other week I stayed at the manor. We woke up together, fooled around,” he teased with a wink, “and spent the whole day together. So, we both knew that everything between us was good. No need to send the daily text. Or so, I thought. Monday morning, back in my own apartment, I go to send my message that all is well and I see a message already waiting from Bruce from the previous morning when we were together that says ‘I’m very happy right now.’”

A chorus of “Awwww,” is heard through both the studio and the manor living room.

“Oh, you think that’s cute?” Hal grinned, “I checked the timestamp. He sent that text whilst I was blowing him!”

The audience howled with laughter.

The kids all cringed in disgust.

“Ewwww.”

“Gross.”

“TMI”

“Old people should be banned from sex. Like, anyone over 30. They had their chance. Time to give it up and just like…play dominoes or something.”

“Oh my gosh,” Jess cackled back on the set, “Oh, well still a little romantic I suppose.”

“In my defence I was being very honest about my feelings in that moment,” Bruce told them, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes and leaning into Hal’s side. “I was very, very happy.”

“Clearly not happy enough If you could still text,” Hal teased back. “I’ll have to improve my technique.”

“Well practice makes perfect.”

The audience cheered again.

“Please turn this off?” Damian pleaded. “I do not need this much information on my father’s bedroom activities.”

“Maybe you should go to bed Dami?” suggested Dick. “This may be a little above your age range.”

“We haven’t even gotten to Fuck Marry Kill yet,” Stephanie protested, “That was the whole point of this. The kid’s going to learn about the birds and the bees someday. May as well be now.”

“I am well aware of the mechanics of fornication,” Damian bristled angrily, “I simply don’t wish to know…”

“Shhhh! Pay attention!” Cass snapped, surprising all of them out of further bickering.

“…arry, Kill!” Jess finished declaring on screen. “And we are all very excited to hear what answers our guests have for us. Now, Harold, since you’re our newest guest we’re going to let you go first.”

“Oh, goodie,”

“Of course, we’re going to start with a classic, the Golden Trinity, Harold; Fuck, Marry or Kill; Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman? What’s it gona be?”

The audience were already laughing and Hal threw his head back, hands over his mouth. “Oh gosh. Oh wow.”

From the living room of the manor the Batkids watched in rapt interest.

“If he kills Batman, what do we do?”

“Let’s burn that bridge when we get to it.” Jason dismissed.

“That’s not how it goes,” Damian rolled his eyes. “The expression is cross that bridge.”

“Uh, no. Burn that bridge is also an expression. It’s a Malaphor,” Jason explained, putting his recently acquired literature degree to use in his favourite way; arguing with his siblings. “A mix of two aphorism’s, idioms, or cliches.”

“That’s stupid,” Damian declared. Cassandra nodded in agreement. Learning English as a second language was hard enough without mixing up expressions to confuse people.

“It is not…”

“Shut up! you can argue about boring language stuff later!” Stephanie hissed.

“It is not boring.”

Several pillows smacked Jason in the face at once.

On the screen Hal had just finished pondering. “Well, um. Ok, ok, I’d have to say. Marry Wonder Woman because I think she would be a very good provider and, I think she would take really good care of me, and protect me from danger and stuff, I’d feel very safe with her I think.”

Bruce laughed, cooing at his boyfriend.

“And…I’m gona say kill Superman for the bragging rights,” Hal added.

“What?” Bruce leaned in to brace himself against Hal as he laughed. There was a mix of cheers and boos from the audience, overlain with laughter.

In a locker in the green room backstage Hal’s phone pinged. He would later check it to find a message from Clark that read: ‘Hey!!’ followed by several angry emojis.

“Hear me out, hear me out.” Hal defended, grinning at Bruce and gesturing for the audience to settle down, “Superman, he’s indestructible right? Like what even can kill him? So, if I managed it, you’ve got to think people are gona be giving me a wide birth right, they are gona be thinking that guy’s got something seriously impressive going on if he can do that.”

“I see your point, I see your point.” Jess laughed.

“You don’t think people would be impressed if you killed Batman?” Bruce asked. Prompting another cheer from the audience.

“Oh, people would be impressed, sure,” Hal argued, “But if you kill Batman, you’re just opening yourself up to a whole other heap of trouble.”

He leaned forward, like he was a teacher at story time, “You see if you kill Batman, not only have you got all the other Gotham vigilantes now gunning for you, you’ve also probably pissed off all the Gotham villains as well.”

“What?” Jess cried out, asking the question that was painted on Bruce’s face.

In the living room all the kids leaned forward in interest, fascinated.

“See I have this theory right. The Gotham Villains, they have an agreement. They each take turns trying to kill Batman. Like one week it’s Penguins try, and then if he fails Riddler gets a shot, then Poison Ivy, so on. And they all respect this. So, like, if one of them were ever to kill Batman on someone else’s week that’s a big offense, like they’ve cut in line. It’s rude. And all the others would be furious. So can you imagine, if I, some nobody from left field came in and just killed Batman when I’m not even on the rota. They would be pissed.”

Bruce’s face was a picture of ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’ but Hal continued undeterred, meeting Jess’s eye with absolute conviction.

“So, what I’m saying is, if you kill Batman, you’ve got the whole Batclan and all of his rouges to deal with, not to mention a city full of angry Gothamites.” An enthusiastic cheer rose up from the Gotham born audience. “But like I said before, kill Superman, you’re untouchable.”

“So just to clarify,” Jess summed up with a sly grin, “Fuck Batman?”

Hal threw his head back and laughed. “That does leave Fuck Batman, doesn’t it? Oh no.”

“Are you regretting your choice? Do you want to change it?”

“No no, I stand by my choice, but. Ok. I would Fuck Batman, but I think that sounds very scary. Like I think he would be very intimidating up close and I don’t know what kind of lover he would be. Probably very dominant and aggressive. So, Fuck Batman but only if my Brucie is there to hold my hand and be sweet to me at the same time to balance it out.”

“Oh!” Jess cheered, loving this segue, “So Batman, Brucie threesome!”

“Absolutely. That’s the dream right Gotham?”

Based on the audience response that was very much the dream for many of them. Bruce ducked his head in embarrassment, but couldn’t hide the amused gin.

“Well, that was a riot,” Jess praised. “Now, from a previous show we already know Brucie’s thoughts on the Golden Trinity.”

“Wait, wait, I don’t!” Hal protested. He did. During his stalking phase, he’d tracked down and watched every episode of every chat show Brucie had ever appeared on and knew exactly what his answers had been. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t demand a recap today anyway. “What answers did he give? Tell me. Tell me!”

Jess looked delighted. “Well, according to Brucie, when we asked him last time, he would get pegged by Wonder Woman.”

Hal gasped, pretending to be shocked and scandalised.

“He would marry Superman so they could fly away into the sunset, and lastly, kill Batman.”

Hal gasped again. “You would kill Batman? Aren’t you Gothamites meant to stick together?”

“I would kill him, declare myself the undisputed overlord of Gotham and retire content that I’d achieved everything I wanted to.”

Technically speaking ‘killing’ Batman really was Bruce’s retirement plan. Assuming he lived that long. He wasn’t naïve enough to think he could keep this lifestyle up forever. Age would slow him eventually.

“And you’re sure you don’t want to change that?” Hal asked? “In light of what I just said about pissing off…well…everyone?”

“Nope. Gotham would forgive me. I’d buy all the other vigilante’s cool gadgets to appease them.”

“And the villains?”

“They won’t mind. I’m on the rota.”

Hal, Jess, and the rest of them all spluttered and laughed at that final ridiculous claim. Jess shook her head, steering them back on track.

“Well, we still have Brucie’s round to go and for this one we’ve come up with a brand-new list. So Brucie tell me, Fuck, Marry or Kill; Cyborg, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern.”

Back at the manor Dick turned to Tim, “Did you pick that list?”

“Nah, I just made sure Batman was on Hal’s list. Left the others to the studio.”

Bruce pondered the question for a moment’s then gave a sly grin.

“Fuck Martian Manhunter.”

“You seem very confident in that,” Jess pointed out.

“Absolutely. Think about it. He’s a shapeshifter. Imagine the roleplay!”

Hal laughed again, “Wow Brucie. You wanna be pegged by a warrior woman and have roleplay with a shapeshifter but you’re bored enough to be texting during my blowjobs. Clearly, I haven’t been satisfying enough for you. I’m going to have to spice things up I think.”

“So, we are inviting Batman over?” Bruce teased back, earning a playful shove. “I’m kidding, you are everything I’ve ever wanted or needed. I am very very happy, and very very satisfied. And I have never been bored during anything we have done together.”

“Awww,” the studio cooed as Bruce leaned in to press a kiss to Hal’s lips.

“Isn’t that adorable?” Jess asked, pressing a hand to her heart. “Now who would our dear Brucie kill this time? Cyborg or Lantern?”

The question distracted Bruce once more from his boyfriend. “Oh, yeah. Um…I would kill Cyborg.”

“Any reason why?”

“Because Robocop was a terrible movie.”

Hal wheezed with laughter. “What?”

“I just really didn’t like that movie.”

“What does that have to do with Cyborg? It’s not his fault! And for the record, I don’t think it was that bad.”

“Of, course it is his fault! Imagine how cool it would have been if Cyborg had played Robo-cop! But he didn’t!”

“That’s…that’s…” Hal couldn’t tell them what that was because he was doubled over in his seat howling.

“He should have made an effort,” Bruce declared. “He let us down.”

In the manor Stephanie shoved her face into a pillow to screech. “He is so freaking stupid!”

“It’s just his act.”

“Is it? Is it really though? Are we certain of that?”

“So last on our list folks,” Jess interrupted the couple now bickering playfully on set, the studio producer in her ear urging her to wrap up. “That just leaves Brucie to marry Green Lantern.”

On the screen, both Bruce and Hal froze for a moment, eyes flicking to one another. Bruce looked surprised, like he hadn’t properly considered what his other two answers would mean for the final slot. “Yeah, I…I would marry Green Lantern,” Bruce licked his lips nervously, glancing away from Hal, “Because, Gotham can get very dark at night and it would be nice to have a live in night light,” he said. “Oh, and that ring thing that can make all the shapes,” now Bruce’s face lit up with genuine delight. “Imagine the puppet shows he could put on with that! So cool.”

Hal laughed along with him and the pair both started twisting their hands about, talking about shadow puppets, clearly having forgotten the audience watching them.

Jess grinned and clapped her hands, “Well there you have it Gothamites and any out-of-towners tuning in, Gotham’s hottest power couple have Fucked, Married, and Killed the Justice League and we have loved every minute of it. Thank you, Bruce, Hal for joining us on Gotham Late Night Chat, it has been a blast. Can we have a round of applause ladies and gentlemen? Next tonight we have…”

In the Manor living room the TV shut off with a click.

“There you go,” Steph said, waving her hand at the now blank screen. “Hal is scared of Batman.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Jason cut in. “That’s what you took from that?”

“He literally said he found him intimidating.”

“He said he would sleep with Batman if Bruce was present which technically, he would be.”

“Yeah, because he thinks Bruce is a separate non scary person.”

“Exactly, he knows that Bruce is not scary, therefore he will realise that Batman is also not scary…for him…I’m sure Batman is still scary to plenty of other people.”

“Dick, back me up,” Steph asked their oldest brother.

Dick looked contemplative for a moment. “I agree with Jason.”

“What?!”

“I think Hal showed a healthy respect for Gotham in his answers. If he can handle Gotham, he can handle Batman. It seems more likely that learning Batman is Bruce will make him not scared of Batman, rather than making him scared of Bruce.”

“Uh, of course you want to think that. You’ve already built up some optimistic fantasy in your head about Hal finding out about Batman and falling in love with both Batman and Bruce and then marrying Bruce and living happily ever after, haven’t you?”

“My head hurts,” Tim groaned. “All this Bruce Batman back and forth is so confusing.”

“Aren’t you meant to be the smart one?” Jason challenged.

“Aren’t you the only one here with an actual degree?”

“Oh yeah. Hu. I guess I’m the smart one.”

“Absolutely not,” Damian denied with a look of disgust.

Stephanie snarled in frustration. “You guys are forgetting what they said about the texting thing.”

“What about it? Bruce is communicating. That’s good right?”

Jason nodded, “It’s great. It’s huge. Like he’s making real progress towards becoming a functional human being.”

“No one in this family is or ever will be a functional human being,” Tim denied, “Let’s not delude ourselves.”

Stephanie clenched her fists and hissed. “It’s relevant because Hal thinks him and Bruce are being totally honest and transparent with one another.”

“But Bruce is lying,” Cass added.

“Exactly.”

Dick shook his head, and waved them both off, “That’s a tomorrow problem. The first thing we need to figure out is how Hal will react to Batman in real life. That game was a good start but it was just a game. We need real life non hypothetical data.”

“Black Bat.”

Everyone turned to look at Cassandra who was smirking.

“What?” Dick asked.

Cass shrugged, “See how Hal reacts to Black Bat.”

Jason looked contemplative. “That’s not too bad an idea. Black Bat is basically diet Batman.” The teen stepped back and gently nudged Tim, placing the younger teen between him and the offended glare Cass was now aiming his way. “Could be a good way to test the water.”

“Good plan,” Dick said, pulling out his phone and beginning to dial. “If Oracle agrees then we’ll do it.”

“You just said it was a good plan, why do we need Babs’s permission?”

“Because she has the braincell. She can tell us if it’s actually a good plan or if we’re all just too stupid to see that it’s a terrible plan.”

All the other kids nodded in agreement.

“Fair enough,” Jason conceded. “Proceed.”

…

In the car on their way back to the Manor.

“Hey Hal?”

“Yeah?”

“About my last answer earlier.”

Hal tapped his finger on the steering wheel then flicked the indicator to signal a turn. “Just a game right? I know you didn’t mean…I mean…we’re not…there yet.”

Bruce slumped in relief in the passenger seat.

“Yeah. It’s not…well it’s not, not an option just…not yet.”

Hal glanced across and they shared a quick smile.

“Not, not an option. Good to know.”

Chapter Text

Hal shifted uncomfortably under the twin glares being aimed at him.

Where the heck was Bruce? He was late. How dare he leave Hal to face this alone?!

Well, not alone exactly but no one else present was going to intervene to help him.

“Ok,” he said straightening up and trying to look confident. “I get why Clark’s upset, but what did I do to you?”

In front of him Diana scowled harder. “I am a formidable warrior,” she snarled.

“Yeah, I know. You’re a badass.”

“I am a highly skilled soldier, an expert in many forms of weaponry, trained by the Amazons; the finest army in this world. I would be a fearsome opponent for anyone. It would be a great achievement and a great honour to kill me.”

Hal’s jaw dropped.

“Hold on, are you seriously offended because I didn’t select you to kill?”

“You implied that killing Superman would bring you prestige but killing me would not!”

“No, I didn’t, I said I thought you would be a good protector and provider.”

“I don’t not wish to provide for you. I am a soldier not a caretaker.”

“Could always be both, but fine. I’ll kill you and marry Clark then.”

“I don’t want to marry you,” Clark snapped.

Hal slapped the desk in frustration. “God damn it guys. This isn’t…”

“Why does everyone always want to marry me?”

“I wanted to kill you.”

Clark ignored him. “Every time I see people playing this game and heroes come up it’s always ‘I’ll marry Superman, he’ll sweep me off my feet and fly me around, or he’ll fly to Timbuktu to get me a fancy flower.’”

“You’re saying you wouldn’t fly to Timbuktu to get your spouse a flower?”

“I’m saying why am I doing all the work? Why doesn’t anyone ever want to get me a flower? Also, why does no one ever pick me to fuck? Why is that? I’m a good fuck!”

“Doesn’t marrying you imply they want to fuck you regularly?” Flash cut in.

“Butt out of this Barry,” Clark growled, “You don’t get a say. Everyone always picks you for fuck because they think you have a vibrate setting.”

“I do have a vibrate setting.”

“So do I! But no one ever considers that do they? Plus, flying. Do you know how creative I can get with flying sex?”

“You know what?” Hal decided gritting his teeth in annoyance, “I take back my take back, you’re still my kill option! Except it’s a double motive now; for the bragging rights and just because you’re annoying. Then I’ll fuck or get fucked by Diana, whichever is most prestigious in warrior culture,”

Diana snorted in amusement.

“and then I guess I’ll marry Batman.”

Bruce of course chose that exact moment to arrive.

“I want a divorce,” the vigilante deadpanned, taking his seat and discretely passing a pack of Oreo’s to Martian Manhunter. An apology for objectifying him live on TV.

“Fine,” Hal agreed. “I’m taking the Batplane and the Bat Jet-ski when we split up the assets. You can have my old cassette collection and the good plates. Also, I want custody of Nightwing and Black Bat.”

“You can have Robin and the Purple one.”

“Fine, but I also get Red Robin on weekends.”

“Deal.”

The rest of the League watched on in bemusement. Those who remained in the dark about Batman’s identity were particularly surprised at this rare show of levity.

“You know,” Cyborg said, shaking his head, “The way you two are always bickering and fighting, I don’t think it would surprise me if it turned out you were secretly married.”

“Spouses constantly fighting is an unhealthy heteronormative stereotype,” Flash stated. All eyes in the room turned to look at him. “What? I watched a TED talk.”

After a beat of silence where no one was quite sure what to say, Batman being the strategist decided to guide them back on track, “Perhaps we should commence the meeting?” His attempt failed.

“No,” Flash waved him off. “I want to talk about Hal more. Firstly, does Bruce Wayne know you’re Green Lantern? And if he does, did we totally witness a proposal last night?”

“No and no,” Hal dismissed easily. “He doesn’t know about my secret and we are not engaged.”

“Are you going to tell him? Is that even safe? He seems like kind of a ditz. Like if you tell him, do you think he’ll accidently blab about it to some gossip mag?”

Green Arrow, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Martian Manhunter all made an effort to hide their amusement, with varying levels of success. Batman, supposedly ignoring them all, had accepted the meeting was a lost cause and was now flicking through paperwork looking for something to do.

“He wouldn’t do that,” Hal insisted, “He’s actually pretty skilled at dealing with the press and only telling them what he wants them to know. He’s had years of practice fighting off the vultures as they try to dig up private info on his kids.”

“Oof, that’s rough.”

A wicked grin crossed Hal’s face as he lit up with an idea.

“Actually guys, I’m glad we’re talking about Bruce, because it’s going to be my birthday next month and I’m thinking of having a party. He’ll be there of course and I’d love if you guys dropped by. I think it’s time my friends meet my boyfriend.”

At that Batman looked up from his papers with a scowl.

“Don’t worry Bat’s. Cool kids only,” Hal smirked, “You’re not invited.”

Those who knew the truth, and those that didn’t, all shifted nervously for different reasons.

“I wouldn’t attend even if my identity weren’t a secret,” Batman replied. “I have no desire to meet your idiot boyfriend.”

“So that’s a no to the threesome then?”

“Not even if the rich twit paid me.”

“Is that an option?” Flash raised his hand, “Because I’ve got bills.”

“Ok, rule number one,” Hal declared, glaring around the table. “No one solicit my boyfriend.”

“Not even if I bring my strap on?” Diana offered playfully, “I’ll let you watch.”

At the end of the table Batman had to hide his wince as he accidently bit his tongue.

“You know what?” Hal told the woman, “You’re not invited anymore.”

“What if I bring my strap on?” Hawkgirl asked, earning a high-five from Diana beside her.

“Nobody bring sex toys to my birthday.”

“What if I bring a flower from Timbuktu?” Superman joined in the game, “Woo Brucie away from you.”

“As Superman or as Clark Kent?” Aquaman wondered.

The Kryptonian thought about it for a moment, “Superman.”

“You are not attending my party as Superman.”

“What if I wear a Superman fancy dress costume and claim I thought it was a costume party? That way I’m Clark Kent, but I still get to woo him as Superman.”

“And you’ll be the only idiot dressed in a costume,” Hal pointed out.

“That will win me adorkable points.”

“Dipshit points,” Batman muttered under his breath. Superman flipped him the bird at superspeed making Flash choke on a laugh.

“Hey maybe you should do a costume party!” Cyborg said excitedly, “That way me and Shayera can still attend.”

Hal blinked, as if only now noticing the not so human features some of his friends were sporting. “Oh, yeah, that might not be a bad idea actually.”

“Yes!”

A soft beeping from the computers alerted the team that the scheduled meeting time was over and it was now scheduled battle training time.

“Welp,” Flash muttered, reluctantly standing, “Lets go see what tortures Batman has cooked up for us this week.”

Batman rolled his eyes. “You’ll live.”

“But will I want to?”

…

Barbara had green lighted the Black Bat plan.

Jason was angrily fliting around his own safe house shoving coasters under drinks and place mats under take out containers.

“Did Alfred teach you people nothing?” he hissed.

They all ignored him.

“Ok guys,” Tim addressed them, pulling up a powerpoint on a portable projector aimed at the wall, “here’s the plan.”

…

It was early evening by Bruce’s timetable, just after dusk but still several hours before he was due to patrol. He made himself comfortable in the big armchair in his Billiards Room, a glass of scotch beside him and a phone pressed to his ear.

“Martha darling, is this a good time? Wonderful. Grab a wine, or coffee, or iced tea or whatever it is you’re drinking right now and take a seat, this is going to take a while. You would not believe what my kids have been up to.” He grinned happily, already excited to share the gossip. “Oh, and your son too. And before I forget, can you call Lois tomorrow and tell her to get Clark some flowers? Hal seems to think he’s been feeling a little neglected recently.”

Chapter Text

“Father,” Damian mumbled, wandering into Bruce’s bedroom wearing the Wonder Woman pyjamas Dick gifted him last Christmas and clutching a pillow to his chest. *cough cough* “I am feeling unwell.”

Bruce was up and across the room in record time, the back of one hand pressed to Damian’s forehead and the other hovering at the boys back ready to catch him if he fell.

Considering Damian had once tried to hide a case of yellow fever just so he wouldn’t be benched from patrol, if he was admitting to feeling unwell now, he could very well be on the brink of death.

“What’s wrong?”

“I have a sore throat.” *cough cough* “and a headache.” *cough* and a fever.” *cough cough* “and a cough.” *cough*.

Bruce frowned, moving his hand from the centre of Damian’s forehead to each temple in turn, then frowning harder and leaning in to press his lips to the same spots, holding for a moment. “You don’t feel hot,” he noted, unsure if that was a good sign or a bad one.

Hal wriggled around under the bed sheets, trying to pull on his underwear which he’d covertly plucked from the floor whilst Damian was focused on Bruce’s examination. He cursed himself for not heeding Bruce’s warnings that; ‘nowhere in this house is sacred, these demons have no boundaries.’ Modesty restored he slid out on the opposite side of the bed and shoved himself into a pair of sweatpants from the drawer Bruce had cleared out for him to use.

“No, I don’t need to see Dr Leslie, Father!” Damian was grappling with Bruce, trying to pry his hands away from his phone. “I think I just need some medicine and some rest. It’s just a cold, I’m sure. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it, if not for how distressed you became last-time I was unwell. You asked that I tell you in future if something was wrong.”

“Ok,” Bruce reluctantly gave up trying to call the doctor but was still visibly concerned, “That’s…good. Thank you, Damian for telling me. If you’re sure it’s nothing serious then, we’ll just…get you some Tylenol I guess. Alfred has…”

“We’re out,” Damian blurted, cutting his father off. “None in the house. I checked,” he added hastily.

“Oh. Right, I’ll have Alfred run to the…”

“Alfred is old, you shouldn’t wake him in the night just for Tylenol!” Damian snapped. He looked so indignant that Bruce couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. He certainly didn’t look unwell.

In response Damian’s face dropped and he returned to looking miserable. *cough cough* “Please dad. Don’t wake Alfred,” he pleaded. “Just can you read me a story?” *cough cough* “to help me back to sleep?” *cough cough cough*

The eyebrow dropped and Bruce melted. He smiled softly, brushing his youngest son’s hair back from his head. “Of course, sweetheart.”

The sound of a zip echoed loudly in the room and Bruce startled, looking back over his shoulder to see Hal now fully dressed in sweats and a jacket, shoving his feet into shoes.

“Hal?”

“Go read a story,” Hal told him, pressing a kiss to Bruce’s check and patting Damian gently on the shoulder as he moved past them. “I’ll run to the store.”

“You don’t have to…”

Hal was already out the door and half way down the hall before he could finish.

…

From his perch on the roof Dick adjusted his binoculars, watching as the Porsche Hal favoured disappeared down the driveway and turned towards town.

“Stage one complete,” he muttered into the coms. “He’s on his way.”

“Copy,” Jason confirmed from the other end. “Commencing stage two.”

…

There was exactly one all night chemist in close proximity to Wayne manor; located on Western Drive opposite a laundromat that Jason personally attested was ‘the absolute best at getting blood stains out’.

It was on top of this laundromat that the rest of the Batkid’s were waiting.

“What’s happening?” Dick asked over the coms, still bitter that he’d drawn the short straw and had to stay home as the lookout. He wasn’t nearly as upset as Damian though. The youngest Wayne had demanded extensive compensation for his role in this debacle.

“He’s parked.”

“He’s going inside.”

“He’s searching the aisles.”

“He’s reading the labels on the kids medicines.”

“He’s still got bedhead from banging Bruce earlier.”

“Steph!”

“What? He does.”

“TMI.”

“Oh, grow up.”

“How is stage two going?”

The blonde peered through her binoculars to where Hal was making his way to the counter and then shifted to the shadowy figure approaching the front of the store.

“It’s going.”

…

“Freeze!” Jason screamed, barging into the store, balaclava pulled down over his face and prop gun raised to the ceiling “This-iz-a robbery! Gimme all ya drugs! And ya money!”

 …

Up on roof Tim groaned, shaking his head in disbelief. “Ladies and Gentlemen; an actual crime lord.”

“To be fair,” Stephanie shrugged. “He’s retired.”

“I can see why.”

…

These Gotham shopkeepers really were made of tougher stuff Hal decided, as the woman behind the counter launched a box of toothpastes at the robber’s head and promptly sprinted into what was presumably a panic room at the rear, slamming the door shut behind her.

“Ow, fuck,” the masked criminal hissed letting the gun he’d been brandishing hang down by his side and rubbing his head where the projectile had hit.

Hal glanced about, realising pretty quickly that he was now the only one there.

“Uh…”

The robber it seemed, had also realised this, quickly turning on him. “This is a…”

“Robbery. Yeah, I get it. Look man I’m just buying cough syrup for my partners kid, so if you don’t mind, I’ll leave you to it,” he gave a shrug, shifting towards the door.

“Wait! Freeze!”

“Seriously? I’m not in your way. I’m not trying to stop you or anything.”

He was trying to slip outside so he could activate his lantern ring out of sight, but obviously he wasn’t going to say that to the bad guy. He’d make his excuses to Bruce later for violating the no meta’s in Gotham rule that was still in effect despite their relationship. “Pretty sure this place is insured or whatever, so you know, take what you like. Go ham.” He took another step towards the door.

“Stop! I see your game,” gun toting drug nut challenged, “You’re tryin-ta slip away to call tha cops aren’t ya?”

“Cops? In Gotham? I may as well call The Penguin to save me. Aren’t they all corrupt?”

For some reason the robber seemed to take umbrage at this, “They aren’t all bad anymore,” the man insisted, “GCPD has really been turning around recently.”

Hal stared, unsure how to respond to that, “Um…ok? Congrats?”

They two of them stood locked in a staring contest for several seconds before the robber realised once again that he was supposed to be robbing and waved his gun at Hal, this time pointing at the floor. “Lay down on the ground.”

The hurried command carried a tone of exasperation and for a moment Mr robber let his accent slip.

Hal blinked tilting his head in surprise. Hold up – was that –Jason?

“Uh, you sound familiar,” he told the other man, “Have we met?”

The robber, who may or may not be Jason reared back, looking around in alarm. “Of course not,” he sneered, “I don’t know no, uh,” his eyes caught on the bottle in Hal’s hand, “Tylenol chuggin, dip noodle like you.”

“Dip noodle?” Stephanie hissed through the kids shared line, “How did you ever run a criminal empire?”

Back in the store Hal stared back at the robber who was definitely Jason. “Once again, It’s for my partner’s kid. You can appreciate that right? You got any kids? Or siblings maybe?”

Before his eyes Jason faltered, then squared his shoulders, looking far more menacing all of a sudden as he let his Red Hood persona shine through. Raising his gun in the air he fired off two shots, their echoes reverberating through the space, although Hal noted there was no damage to the ceiling. Fake then.

“I said get on da ground!”

The sound of gunshots made Hal jump back and with a jolt he realised this must be some sort of test. The kids wanted to see how he would respond in a crisis. More importantly, they wanted to see if he would maintain his cover as Bruce Wayne's boy toy or expose himself as Green Lantern, and by extension expose Batman.

Finally understanding the assignment Hal let himself relax, falling into the role of Bimbo Boyfriend with surprising ease.

“Aaaaahhh,” he screeched, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me Sir!”

With a wail he threw himself down to the sticky checkerboard floor that didn’t look like it had been washed any time this year. He was probably going to need a swig of that Tylenol himself after this, to fend off whatever mystery diseases were lurking down here.

Satisfied that Hal was staying put Jason continued his robbery, although he didn’t appear to be doing much thieving, Instead, he was fiddling with the cash register and aggressively moving things around on the counter, not in any apparent rush. If anything, he almost seemed to be stalling. Waiting.

…

Outside on the roof, Tim spoke into his coms. “Cass you’re up.”

…

They are absolutely messing with me, Hal thought as he craned his neck up to watch Black Bat swoop in to fight off the gun toting ‘thief’.

The ‘fight’ was eerily reminiscent of the one that had taken place in the manor kitchen following the boys fishless fishing trip, just far more violent. Cassandra was as graceful as ever, not holding back this time as her costumed persona leapt and span through the aisles throwing kicks and punches. She was barely holding back if the grunts of pain from Jason were any indication. Hal had to give them credit, they were really selling this bit. He just wasn’t sure how any of this was necessary to test him.

After an intense battle Black Bat delivered a vicious kick, throwing thief-Jason out the door. Once clear of the threshold the man took the opportunity to turn and run. Unfortunately for Hal, Black Bat did not follow, instead turning back to face him.

It was the first time he had ever seen Black Bat up close and Hal had to admit the effect was eerie.  The costume was so similar to Batman and yet, so very different. He couldn’t decide if she was more or less intimidating than her father/mentor. Her smaller stature was of course less threatening, yet she still carried an air of menace. The way she moved was sleek like a predator. The full-face mask giving her an otherworldliness even Batman had never possessed.

Stay in character, a voice in his head snapped reminding him of the part he was mean to be playing.

Cue bimbo.

Hal shifted to sitting and smiled wide, forcing a few tears out for dramatic effect. “Oh, thank you, thank you,” he cheered, “You saved me!” he paused, hoping that was enough to pass muster, “Uh, shouldn’t you chase him though? He’s uh…getting away.”

Black Back shook her head and approached Hal who was still seated on the ground.

“First priority,” she recited, “Confirm the wellbeing of victims and bystanders.”

Yeah, that sounded like a Bruce rule.

It was a weird sensation. Being the bystander. Hal wasn’t used to it and really didn’t like it much. He’d rather be fighting. Thinking back to all the galas and events Bruce had been at as Brucie where he’d had to maintain cover and let others do the heroing when things went south, Hal had to wonder how the other man managed it. It must have driven the Bat crazy.

And this was the life Hal was signing up for with him. Hu. Maybe this test really was necessary after all.

“I’m fine,” Hal insisted. “You can go get him.”

Black Bat just shook her head and continued closer, crouching in front of Hal. “No need to be afraid,” she assured him.

Hal blinked, despite her intimidating presence the thought of being afraid of Cassandra had never even crossed his mind. This was the same sweet girl who had sat and cheered with him as they watched Wall-e.

Test, his mind supplied. Just because you know Cass doesn’t mean you know Black Bat. React like a bystander would. Show her you can do this.

Maybe he should ask Alfred for some acting lessons? Is that what Bruce did? Is that why Brucie is so convincing?

“Uh, I’m fine,” he repeated, eyes darting towards the door, avoiding eye contact. Playing the part. “Thank you.”

Was this over yet? Had he passed? Had he failed? What would they do if he failed?

Maybe he should just leave. He still had to pay for the Tylenol. Was the cashier going to come out of her saferoom? Should he just leave the cash on the counter? “Uh, you should check on the cashier.” he suggested.

The vigilante glanced over her shoulder at the little window on the panic room door which the cashier was peering though and shrugged. “She’s fine.”

So much for the wellbeing of bystanders. Surely the real victim was higher priority than him?

“Uh, right. Well thanks again for the…saving me…I guess. I’ll just be…”

“Harold Jordan.”

“Uh, what?”

“You are Harold Jordan.”

Wow, test wasn’t over yet then. He was definitely going to need those acting lessons.

“Um, yes?”

“Bruce Wayne’s partner. Possible target for kidnapping. It might not be safe for you. I shall escort you to safety.”

“What? Uh, no that’s – that’s not necessary really.”

What were they planning? He wondered. Maybe they had finally reached a verdict, decided he wasn’t good enough for Bruce and were going to ambush him outside. Drive him out of Gotham.

“Really, I can drive myself back just fine,” he insisted again.

The protests were futile, Hal quickly found himself being dragged to his feet. He was reluctantly impressed. Cassandra was really strong for such a slight young woman.

“Come with me.”

“Ok, ok wait” he yanked a twenty out of his pocket and dropped it on a shelf as he was dragged out of the door, waving to the still remarkably calm cashier who was now finally emerging from the panic room. “Keep the change.”

…

Black Bat slid elegantly into the passenger seat of Hal’s car, technically Bruce's car but Hal had claimed it as his own and no had disputed it yet. She took up the space as if it was the most normal thing in the world. The fierce vigilante was kind enough not to stare, keeping her gaze forward on the road allowing Hal to focus on driving rather than squirming under the attention.

“Thank you for the escort home,” he said eventually. “Really getting the star treatment here.”

“Bruce Wayne is important to Gotham.” Black Bat told him decisively. “You are important to Mr Wayne.”

“Well, that’s good to know.”

“You must not put yourself at risk.”

Hal gulped; he was certain he understood the warning behind that statement. You must not put the family at risk.

“I’ll be careful,” he promised, seeing the vigilante give a firm nod in response.

“You like Gotham?”

“Uh, yeah, Gotham is great.”

“Don’t mind the high crime rate?”

“Well, it’s not great sure but you vigilante types are doing a great job.”

Black Bat nodded again. “Batman?” she asked.

“What?” What about him?

This may be one of the weirdest interrogations he’d sat through, and that was saying something considering some of the missions he’d been on with the corps. He once spent three days waist deep in a tank of salt water whilst an angry squid shouted at him in French. It took a while to communicate to the frustrated alien ambassador that whilst yes, technically their translator was set to a Human language, didn’t mean he could understand them. Unfortunately, due to their planets rules he hadn’t been permitted to use his ring to translate instead. Something about foreign technologies being a corruptive influence.

“You like him?”

“Do I like Batman?” Was this still a test? Or was it edging into shovel talk territory. Black Bat was giving nothing away. Hal decided to play it safe. “Uh, well, I’ve never met him, but I’m sure he’s a great guy. Doing some real good work.”

Black Bat smiled and Hal felt a wave of relief, he was pretty sure he’d just nailed that.

“Not afraid of him?” she asked.

“No. No I…well…” Was Hal meant to be afraid of Batman? What answer did she expect? What answer did she want?

“We saw your interview.”

Ah.

That was a little embarrassing. Objectively he had known of course that the kids had watched his and Bruce’s episode of Gotham Late Night Chat, but there was something a little jarring about hearing direct from the source that his partners kids had watched him say live on TV that he would be willing to have a threesome with their dad and…well…their dad.

He felt the flush heat his neck which was probably cherry red by now and envied Black Bat with her full body covering. He wished he could activate his ring and hide inside his Lantern Uniform, but of course that would defeat the point of all this. He had to show he could be Hal Jordan, Brucie’s boytoy. Not Hal Jordan, Green Lantern.

“Well, I stand by every word,” he teased playfully. “So, if you want to put in a good word with the big man for me…”

Black Bat let out a giggle, that was far closer to the Cass he knew than the scary vigilante she was currently embodying.

Whatever response she might have given was cut short as they turned the last corner and saw the large gate of Wayne Manor looming ahead of them. Half a ton of wrought iron had never looked so welcoming.

Black Bat had the door open and was already half way out before Hal fully pulled to a stop. “See you around Harold Jordan,” she promised, giving a wave and disappearing into the shadows of the trees that lined this road.

“Thanks for the…and she’s gone.”

Hal shook his head and restarted the car, buzzing through the gate with the shiny new fob that had appeared on his keyring a few weeks back.

…

Hal found Bruce in Damian’s room, propped in an armchair and reading from an old copy of Wuthering Heights of all things. Apparently, Jason had recommended it. After the unexpected improvement rowing had, had on his relationship with Tim, Damian was now attempting to improve his bonds with his other siblings by taking an interest in things they enjoyed.

“Doctor Hal has arrived,” he declared, waltzing in, “Where is the patient? Nurse Brucie, hold him down and we will begin the amputation. Which leg are we taking off?”

Bruce snorted, “Oh I’m playing the nurse this time am I Doctor? I’m not sure I’ll fit in your…”

“Father!” Damian growled, unimpressed.

“Oops, sorry Dami,” Bruce winced, not sounding sorry at all. “Forgot you were here.”

Hal chuckled pulling the bottle of Tylenol out and tossing it gently to Bruce who immediately began reading the guidelines on the label, brow furrowed in concentration in way that made Hal want to kiss his forehead and coo. Unfortunately, he was certain neither of the Wayne’s present would be impressed if he gave in to that impulse.

“You’re looking better,” he remarked to Damian who appeared to have made a full recovery in his absence.

“I” *cough cough* “am feeling a little better yes” *cough* “the bedtime story helped.” *cough*

“I’m sure it did.”

“This will help more,” Bruce declared, holding out the little plastic measuring spoon which had a child sized dose poured into it.

Hal watched Damian open his mouth and let Bruce feed it to him, grimacing at the taste.

The urge to sing crept up on Hal and he didn’t fight it.

“~a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down~“

A pillow slamming into his face with surprising force shut him up effectively.

Hal could hear Bruce wheezing with laughter as he shook off the surprise and gathered himself. “Wow Damian, and there I was thinking we were friends.”

“I am unwell. I need to rest. Thank you for the medicine and story. You can leave now.”

Deciding not to push his luck any further Hal gave a sharp salute to the boy before making a hasty retreat back to the master bedroom. Bruce followed shortly after; hanging back for few extra seconds of mother-henning over his poorly child.

…

Settling back into bed for the second time that night Hal curled around his boyfriend happily.

“I can feel you smiling against the back of my neck.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“It’s making it a little hard for me to sleep.”

“Sorry.”

“What’s got you so happy?”

“I’m pretty sure I passed a test tonight.”

“A test? At the pharmacy?”

“Uh hu.”

Bruce pulled away slightly, twisting to look over his shoulder in confusion and mild alarm.

“What were you tested for?”

The baffled expression on his face was too much for Hal who snorted loudly. “Relax honey. I’m clean as a bell. It wasn’t that kind of test.” It was a testament to the trust they shared that Bruce immediately accepted that as truth, visibly relaxing.

“It was a pregnancy test,” Hal laughed to break the tension, “Surprise!” Ok, that was a stupid joke, but it amused Hal at least.

The amusement doubled as Bruce just rolled his eyes and laid back down.

“Your kids tested me,” Hal explained at last. “Staged a fake robbery to see how I would react.”

Bruce fully turned to face him this time. “They did what?”

Hal gave a brief rundown of the night’s events, kissing Bruce every so often to ease the worry growing on his face. “I can’t believe they would…”

“Calm down sweetheart. Like I said. I passed. I have won their approval.”

Bruce's scepticism was clear as day. “Right.”

Rather than trying to persuade him further Hal just rolled over, taking up the position as little spoon and pulling Bruce's arm across his waist.

“Sleep Brucie baby. It’s all good.”

…

Down in the cave the Batkid's were gathering, Dicks knee bounced erratically as he waited for any news on the outcome of their scheme, but Cassandra refused to say a word until Damian joined them. Finally the youngest Wayne came sliding down the fireman’s pole, having waited just long enough to ensure Bruce and Hal were asleep before sneaking out of his room.

“What happened?” Dick demanded of his sister the instant Damian’s feet touched the ground. “How did he react? What did he say? Was he scared? Was he fine? Was he…Ow!”

Jason smirked, unrepentant as Dick glared at him, rubbing his freshly kicked shin.

Cass rolled her eyes and turned away from them both. Addressing the others. “Hal is not afraid of Black Bat. He will not be afraid of Batman.”

Several people cheered. Dick was grinning wide.

“Are you sure?” Tim asked, still sceptical. “Just because he was fine with you, doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be fine with Batman.”

“He barely flinched during an armed robbery,” Jason pointed out. “Wasn’t scared at all until I fired the gun. Batman will be no problem.”

“Of-course he wasn’t scared of you. You called him a dip noodle.”

“I’ll call you a dip noodle,” Jason snapped back threateningly.

“What? What does that even mean?”

“You heard me!”

“Jason's lousy acting aside,” Stephanie cut in.

“Hey, I wasn’t that bad!”

“I think todays test was conclusive. I was wrong before. Hal is not scared of Batman. Or at least he won’t be scared when he learns Bruce is Batman.”

“I think so too.”

“Are we all agreed?” Damian asked.

They all nodded. Even Tim, despite still holding a little scepticism.

“Hal is cool.”

“He’s fun.”

“He fits.”

“Guys,” Dick smiled at all of them, “I think this is it. I think Bruce has found the one.”

Cassandra beamed, sharing a high five with Stephanie. Jason punched the air. Damian allowed a simple smile to settle on his face.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Tim warned. “We still have no guarantee this will work out.”

“But it probably will.” Nothing was killing Dicks high. He was already planning the Batchelor party in his head.

“Assuming Bruce doesn’t find a way to screw it up.”

The all froze. Like a Mr Freeze had hit them all with his ice gun.

“Oh no.”

Chapter Text

Jason marched into his safehouse with an arm full of Batburger and glared at everyone present. “I’m going to start charging you people rent.” Three sets of hands reached for the bag as he passed by the couch and he slapped them all away with a growl. “Get your own.”

Clearing himself a place on the coffee table he tore the bag open and dug in, ignoring the envious looks he was getting from all around. “What is it this time Dickhead?” he asked around a mouthful.

The eldest Wayne adoptee was slumped in the armchair with a scowl.

“Bruce screwed it up.”

Cassandra earned herself two nuggets by performing the Heimlich, saving Jason from the chunk of burger that lodged in his throat when he gasped. Tim and Damian who had taken the opportunity to steal some fries while he was choking were banished to the other side of the room.

“What do you mean he screwed it up?” Stephanie asked. “How has he screwed it up? Hal isn’t even here right now. He went home for work. He was fine when he left. Cass and I went with Bruce to drop him to the airport. They were as lovey dovey as ever. How has Bruce managed to screw things up from nearly 3000 miles away?”

“I don’t know!”

“Well, what happened?”

“If you give me a second to speak, I’ll tell you,” Dick snapped. “I think Hal is mad at him.”

“You think?”

“I’m sure.”

“How sure?”

Jason, who had recovered his breath and moved into Tim’s previous spot grabbed Stephanie and held a hand over her mouth silencing her.

“From the top Dick. Go.”

Leaning forward in his seat Dick seemed to contemplate where to start.

“Right, well, you know how some of the Young Justice team and I have been covering for things around Coast City whilst Green Lantern is off world this month?”

They all nodded.

“I decided since I was in the area, I would stop by and visit Hal. Was going to say I was there for a surprise holiday break or something. Figured we could grab a drink and hang out. Problem is, I try to call him, no response. He doesn’t answer my texts either. I even went to his apartment and knocked. Nothing.”

“Maybe he was out?”

Dick shrugged. “I guess.”

“Are you sure it was the right phone number?”

“I’m sure. We’ve texted before.”

“Maybe he was just busy?”

“Too busy to text back in three days?”

“Oof. Three days? Yeah, you’re being ghosted. Are you sure you’re not the one he’s mad at?”

“Very sure. I…when I got back to Gotham, I asked Bruce about it.

“What did he say?”

“He said everything was fine.”

“And?”

“And he was lying. It was clear from his face everything is not fine. I know I’m not the only one who has noticed his mood dropping this last week.”

No one responded. No one needed to. They had all seen it.

“I snooped through Bruce’s phone,” Dick continued, surprising no one. No one in their family had what could be considered a healthy concept of privacy or boundaries. If a door wasn’t locked, they went through it. If it was locked, they picked it.

“You know that morning check in thing they do? Well Hal hasn’t been doing it. Every morning since Hal left Bruce has been sending his texts. Stuff like, I love you, I miss you, I’m worried about you, I hope you are safe. Hal’s side has been blank. No responses. Nada.”

“Noooooo,” Cassandra keened looking devastated.

“Are we sure he’s, ok? Like, he hasn’t been kidnapped or something?” Jason asked hesitantly. “Maybe he can’t respond?”

“Unlikely,” Damian dismissed. “Father’s mood has diminished since Jordan left but he doesn’t seem worried.”

Dick nodded in agreement. “If Hal was in danger Bruce would know. He’s probably got him microchipped by now.”

Several of them, touched their arms absently, where their own chips were located.

Pulling out of Jason’s hold, Stephanie craned her neck around to share a look with Tim who was leaning against the wall. Both looked troubled.

“What?” Jason demanded head snapping between them. “What do you guys know?”

Time winced. “The last night before Hal went home, he and Bruce had a fight.”

Sounds of outrage filled the room.

“And we’re just hearing about this now? Why didn’t you tell us?”

Stephanie shrugged helplessly. “We didn’t think it was important. We thought they had worked it all out. Like I said they were all over each other on the way to the airport.”

“Yeah, they made up right after. Seemed fine.”

“Well clearly they aren’t fine!”

Dick hushed Jason and gestured to everyone to calm down.

“What happened?” he asked the pair, moving over so Damian could squeeze beside him as he and Tim were released from exile. “Spare no detail.”

***

Bruce POV – The manor, two weeks earlier.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now,” Hal screeched, storming through the atrium and starting up the stairs.

Stepping through the door after him Bruce blinked in surprise at the sudden hostility.

Just moments ago, they had been fine. Talking and flirting on the car ride back to the manor, planning to watch an episode of The Good Place before sleep.

“I can’t believe you would do this to me,” Hal continued, standing half way up the steps and shouting down at him.

Out of the corner of his eye Bruce saw Tim and Stephanie, summoned by the scent of drama, run out of the family room to hide in an alcove, peering around to watch the couple.

“I saw you sneak off with that reporter! Don’t even try to deny it.”

Ah. Now he got it.

After Hal had ‘passed the kids test’ Bruce had expected him to ease up on the bimbo act. Hal being Hal had of course done the opposite, secure in his victory he had become even more dramatic, at least within the manor, treating it less like a mission and more like a game now.

“Halie Please.” Bruce cried, playing the part he’d been set up for, “I swear nothing happened.”

“Don’t Bruce! I don’t want to hear it.”

The party they been to that night had been going well until a kidnaping plot had started unfolding in the background. A less than reputable businessman had gotten a little too deep with one of Gotham’s gangs and then failed to pay them their cut of the dealings. They had sent some people to discretely snatch his wife from the party to use as leverage. They would have managed it too, if Clark hadn’t been covering the event and caught sight of the thieves just as they jumped the poor woman and dragged her into a back hallway.

Clark had of course gone after them, and Bruce seeing Superman speed walking across the room, shouldering people out of the way in a very non-Kent-like manner, had followed to see what was up and provide support if needed.

Hal had seen all this go down and stayed where he was to keep the group of sparkly socialites’ they’d been talking to entertained and prevent them from following Bruce and seeing something they shouldn’t. Like Bruce Wayne smoothly disarming one thug whilst punching another in the throat, or Clark Kent hovering two feet off the ground keeping the drugged and now unconscious would-be victim out of harm’s way.

It was remarkable how much they got away with in front of some of the lesser goons under cover of, ‘you must have been concussed and misremembered’ or ‘it was a trick of the light’ all wrapped up with a side order of, ‘no one will ever believe you’.

“Hal, it wasn’t like that I promise! It was just a quick interview. I’d promised him one and wanted to get it over with so I could get back to you!”

“Don’t lie to me Bruce. I saw the way you were watching him. Undressing him with your eyes. Those goofy glasses weren’t fooling anyone. He was gorgeous. I knew this would happen eventually. You’d get bored of me and move on to the next pretty thing.”

“No! Never! I can’t even remember what he looked like. I only have eyes for you baby.”

Part of Bruce wanted to be annoyed by this. Wanted to be exasperated with the nonsense fight Hal had initiated without warning. At the ridiculous act he not only insisted on putting on in front of his kids but somehow kept dragging Bruce into as well. The Batman part of him wanted to be fed up.

But honestly, the Brucie part of him chuckled, this was kind of fun.

“Clark isn’t even my type. He’s just a friend.”

Hal charged back down the steps. “Oh, he’s a friend now? A minute ago, he was just a reporter and you couldn’t even remember what he looked like. Now you’re on a first name basis?”

“That’s…”

“Well, which is it, Bruce? Hu? Hu?”

“He’s nothing. He’s no one. He’s…he’s an employee. I own the newspaper he works at. That’s all he is, just an employee. Doesn’t even need to be that. You want him gone? I’ll have him fired. He’s gone. We never have to see him again I promise.”

In his pocket Bruce’s phone pinged. Later he would check it to find a message from Clark that simply contained a string of angry emojis, followed by a pair of eyes and a fire emoticon that Bruce assumed was a threat.

For now, Hal was throwing himself at Bruce’s front and burying his face in his neck. To the kids it would look like Hal was crying, only Bruce could hear the sniggers he was muffling.

“Don’t leave me Bruce. Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t baby. I swear. I love you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such a diva! I just saw you go after him and I got so mad! Please don’t hate me.”

“Never Halie baby, never. Oh sweetheart, let’s go to bed, hm, we’re both just drunk and tired. Let’s get some sleep. We’ll feel better in the morning.”

At that, Hal had let Bruce ‘help’ him up to bed, leaning heavily into his side, sobbing, hiccupping, and muttering apologies, right up until the door clicked shut on Bruce’s bedroom when he made a miraculous recovery.

***

“Well, we survived our first fight,” Hal joked once they were safely away from eavesdroppers. He grinned, pleased with his performance.

It wasn’t anywhere close to their first fight of course. First Halie and Brucie fight, maybe. First in front of the kids for sure. And first time faking it.

But far from the first, first.

As they’d mentioned on the talk show, they had fought plenty at the beginning.

Turns out mutual attraction did not automatically cancel out years of butting heads. Who knew?

The first few weeks of their relationship had been rocky to say the least as they painstakingly learned they couldn’t fix every disagreement with either a make out session or a fist fight and actually had to work out proper communication methods. Hence the daily check in.

There had been one incident, right at the start that they almost didn’t come back from. An explosive fight during a mission after which they hadn’t spoken for days. Hal couldn’t even remember what it had been about now.

All he remembered was that on the fifth day the two of them had been stuck in watch duty together for seven hours. Just when the silence between them was near suffocating, Hal, had swallowed his pride and spoken up.

Drawing on his foolish months of bullshitting, he’d begun telling Batman a story about his boyfriend Bruce and their latest date. He spun a yarn about how the previous evening they had gotten together and made their own pizzas. Each of them had trialled all sorts of ridiculous topping combinations. He was careful to mention that they had both had some very different opinions on the toppings and had utterly failed to find a combination they both agreed on, but that that was alright because regardless, they’d still ended the night full of pizza and cuddled together.

When he was done Hal sat in terror, wondering how the nonsense tale would be received. If Bruce would recognise the olive branch. If he would take it.

Finally, the gruff man had responded, voice rough in the way they get when you’re fighting back tears. “Sounds nice.”

“It was,” Hal had laughed, near delirious with relief. “It always is with Bruce. We don’t agree on everything, but he makes me happy.”

Bruce hadn’t said anything more after that, simply offered a grateful smile and let a far more comfortable silence carry them to the end of their shift. He’d shown up at Hal’s the following evening with a bag full of pizza ingredients. Turns out they both liked mushroom and Jalapeno.

Now, months later Bruce had gotten marginally better at the speaking thing, which Hal decided was a mixed blessing at times like this.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Hal turned to look at him with a frown. “Talk about what? The fight? It was a joke.”

“Hmm, mostly.”

“Entirely.”

“I love you.”

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“I love you, Hal. I’m not going to get bored of you. I’m not going to cheat on you.”

“You know I’m not actually jealous of Clark, right?” Hal scoffed, shrugging off his shirt and turning away from the other man, to avoid that all too knowing gaze. It was a nice shirt he’d been given for tonight. The fabric was expensive and had been perfectly ironed before he put it on. Alfred would probably have something to say about him wringing it like he was, he should probably put it down.

“Hmm.” Bruce reached out, wrapping his arms around Hal from behind, gently prying his fingers away from the starched material, tossing the shirt towards the hamper.

“I mean he’s straight for a start. And married. And even if he wasn’t…he’s…you two are way too different it would never work…and…”

“Hal. I love you.”

Damn it.

Hal turned and let his head drop forward onto Bruce’s chest, eyes stinging. Why was he such a fucking disaster?

Tonight, had been going so well. They’d had fun. Bruce had stopped a kidnaping. Well, Clark had stopped a kidnapping. Bruce had helped. Hal had successfully trolled a bunch of rich assholes. There had been cake. Really good cake.

Then he’d gone and started a joke fight and of course Bruce had seen straight though his bullshit to the real insecurities underneath.

“Why?” he pleaded. Implored?

Bruce brought his hands up to cradle Hal’s head against him and started to hum, rocking them together in an impromptu slow dance.

“Do I need to remind you again how perfect you are to me?”

“Oh, you think I’m perfect?” Hal joked, still hiding his face so Bruce couldn’t see how affected he was. “I think I’ll need that in writing. Maybe include a page about it in the next League report?”

“Oh no. Hal Jordan is perfect. Green Lantern is still a little shit.”

Hal laughed. “Is that right?” he asked, the teasing helping him to relax.

“Yeah. In fact, I think Green Lantern might be due for some extra training sessions soon.”

“Ugh…you sadist.”

“Maybe some cardio. Build up his stamina.”

“You weren’t complaining about my stamina last night Spooky.” All traces of insecurity bled away.

“Always room for improvement.”

Bruce huffed a laugh as he was jabbed in the ribs.

“Well training will have to wait until I’m back from my mission,” Hal reminded him, ducking his chin over Bruce's shoulder as they continued to sway, enjoying the closeness.

“Three weeks without you,” Bruce groaned. “How will I survive?”

“Hmm, well I know how I’ll survive,” Hal teased. As an early birthday gift to himself and in preparation for this upcoming mission, he had talked Bruce into doing a little boudoir photoshoot to add to his ‘Keep Me Warm Collection’ alongside the World’s Most Eligible Batchelor photo which Hal still looked at from time to time. “I guess I’ll have to give you something to remember me by.”

With a playful snarl and a not so gentle push, he tumbled Bruce into bed and proceeded to do just that.

***

Clark Kent was having a good day. The sun was shining, charging his Kryptonian cells. He’d submitted his latest article on time, early even. Lois had planned a date night for them later. There were no major disasters in progress. There were a gaggle of Bats in his living room.

Hold up.

Clark stopped dead, one foot through his front door, taking in the strange scene.

In the back of his mind, it occurred to him that he’d never seen all of Bruce’s kids in one place at the same time before. Usually, he saw them one at a time. Occasionally two. Rarely three.

Now there were six. Perched on every piece of furniture, staring at him. It was unnerving.

Was this one of Bruce’s contingencies? Had he done something? Was there an evil double of him out there right now running amok that he just didn’t know about yet and they thought it was him and had come to take him down? He didn’t see any kryptonite but that didn’t mean there wasn’t any.

“Uh, hey guys. What brings you to Metropolis?”

“Uncle Clark,” Dick started, standing to greet him. “We need to talk.”

Chapter Text

“We need you to stay away from Bruce.”

Since all his seats were taken Clark was floating above his living room rug, mimicking a seated position. At hearing that he dropped a full foot, catching himself just before he hit the floor and gently hovering down the final distance pulling his knees to his chest.

“What?”

Was Bruce mad at him? Had he done something? Why had he sent the kids for this instead of passing on the message himself? Was it really that bad? He wasn’t even going to give Clark a chance to argue his case?

“Not from Batman,” Casandra assured him, seamlessly picking up on the wave of emotions flickering over his face. “Superman and Batman can still work together. It’s nothing you’ve done.”

Oh. Good.

“We just need Clark Kent to keep his distance from Bruce Wayne for a while,” Dick clarified.

That…didn’t make much more sense.

“Why?”

“You are aware that Bruce is currently dating, correct?”

Clark nodded, confused. Of-course he knew. Bruce and Hal had let him know shortly before they went public. They had even offered to let him write an exclusive on it but he’d turned it down, being long past the days of writing celebrity gossip pieces.

“Well, it’s getting fairly serious,” Damian said. “We like Harold.”

Aww, that was good to hear. Clark was happy for them. He felt intimidated enough by these kids even without dating Bruce so Rao only knows how frightening it was for Hal. He was glad the Lantern had won the Bat-hoards approval.

“But you know how Bruce is. Relationships aren’t his strong suit. Right now, the romance is still young. It’s fragile.”

Jason leaned forward in his seat, an air of menace about him “And it doesn’t look good to have Bruce seen sneaking off with a reporter at parties.”

Clark nodded again, remembering the almost kidnapping a while back. He supposed that was true. The gossip rags tended to latch on to things like that. It would probably be annoying to the couple to have to contend with unnecessary gossip and rumours. Even if they all knew what really happened.

Still, this ambush seemed a bit much. Couldn’t Bruce have told him this in a phone-call? Or just in passing at the Watchtower?

“The thing is,” Stephanie took up the thread. “Hal has some insecurities. Bruce is crazy about him of course but, well he can get a little jealous. It’s no secret that you’re a good-looking guy. Having his boyfriend running around with you is…less than ideal. We know you did nothing wrong of course, but for Hal’s sake it would be best if you kept your distance for a while.”

Now that made no sense at all. Hal? Jealous over him? Had he said something? Surely not?

Hal knew darn well there was nothing between him and Bruce. Even if Lois hadn’t been in the picture. The very thought was just…weird.

Before he could question it however, Tim was weighing in. “We don’t want any additional strain being added to things before they are even off the ground, you understand?”

“I…guess.” He would have to ask Bruce about this. Had he been causing a problem without even realising it?

“Great,” Dick grinned. “I’m glad we understand one another.”

“Yeah, I…look guys. I think it’s really great that you are looking out for Hal and all. Really, really great but...I don’t think it was necessary for you to come all the way out here. Of course, I’ll keep a distance if you think it will help but, you don’t have to worry about me I swear, I don’t think I’m any threat. The way Batman and Green Lantern have been flirting recently it…well frankly it’s a little obscene so I really wouldn’t...”

The sound of a traffic collision several blocks away diverted his attention and Clark shot to his feet already heading to the door. “Emergency, got to go kids. Lock up on your way out please? Thanks bye.” He was gone in a whoosh of air, too focussed on the accident to see the shocked faces he was leaving behind.

“Green Lantern?” Jason snarled.

“What the actual Hell?” Tim added.

“Ok guys,” Dick muttered looking a little pale. “Let’s not overreact.”

“Overreact? Did you not just hear that? What Clark just said! He’s not the one we have to worry about. Bruce is cheating on Hal with Green Fucking Lantern!”

“We don’t know that he’s cheating.”

“Oh, so Superman’s a liar? That’s what you’re saying?”

“He only said flirting.”

“That’s the same thing.”

“Not exactly.”

“I can’t believe he would do this! After all our hard work.”

“Poor Hal,” Cass said.

Stephanie was on her phone, Googling ‘How to un-adopt yourself’.

“I suppose it was inevitable,” Damian pouted. “We did say from the start that this would only last until Father lost interest.”

“But it was going so well. He was happy!”

“Therin lies the problem. Of course, Batman, king of the sad emo goths would never let himself have a good thing. Should have known he would sabotage it.”

“But Green Lantern? I thought he hated the guy?”

“He complains about him enough.”

“Hate sex can be fun,” Jason shrugged, earning a slew of disgusted sounds from his siblings.

“No!” Dick snarled jumping up. “This is unacceptable. We are not going to let him do this!”

“How are we supposed to stop it?” Tim asked.

“We…” the eldest Wayne froze, unsure.

It was Stephanie who stepped in, “Easy. Green Lantern is due back on Earth next week. I say we pay him a visit. Let him know what happens when you mess with the Bat’s!”

“Yeah!” Jason cheered, “Break his legs!”

“No!”

“Fingers?”

“No.”

“Furniture?”

“…”

“…”

“Maybe.”

***

Thank goodness Barbara had the braincell and was keeping it safe.

“You can not confront Green Lantern,” she told them sternly. They were back in Gotham and had gone to update her on the latest revelation.

“Why not. He’s a homewrecker!”

“Because, Stupid, Green Lantern doesn’t know Batman’s identity. Even if they are flirting, he may not know that Batman has a boyfriend. You can’t hold him responsible for Bruce’s actions.”

Tim and Damian had the good grace to look contrite.

Jason and Stephanie were less so.

“So, we’ll tell him.”

“Yeah, and tell him to turn his spaceship back around and piss of back to Pluto.”

“I think he goes a little further than Pluto Steph.”

“Even better.”

“Look,” Dick said, “Whether he knows or not is irrelevant. He needs to be out of the picture.”

“What does Bruce even see in him?”

“Who knows.”

“We could find out.”

Everyone turned to look at Cass who was smirking like she had a plan.

“How?”

“Snoop. Green Lantern is off planet right now. We could break into his base. Look for clues.”

***

It took Barbara approximately twenty minutes to hack into the Justice League computers, navigate to member details, and extract the location of Green Lantern’s base on Earth. It was a small non-descript office in Coast City, with an inbuilt safehouse / work space.

Oliver had set it up for him several years back after the Lantern had been evicted from his apartment whilst away on a mission. He had come home to find all his stuff dumped on the curb including some alien tech that he thankfully recovered before it fell into the wrong hands. He had made Oliver swear to never to tell Batman about the incident and the archer had kept to that.

Oliver owned the building and had everything arranged so Hal could come and go without causing suspicion. The security was air tight. Signs outside proclaimed the site to be home to a small tech startup firm. Shabby enough looking to discourage any would be thieves but there were discrete cameras all around the perimeter and state of the art locks were installed on every opening to keep out anyone desperate enough to try anyway.

The kids didn’t need to worry about any of that of course since they just used the Zeta tubes to travel directly from the batcave to inside.

“Not too shabby,” Jason whistled looking around, eyeing the old crate being used as a coffee table and the Star Wars posters on the wall. “Loving the Eternal Batchelor vibe. I was thinking of redecorating my place. Might take some inspiration. You know, for if I ever want my guests to feel deeply uncomfortable and mildly nauseous. Oh look, a plastic fern. Inspired.”

“It’s not that bad,” Stephanie laughed, shaking her head. The space was perfectly functional for what it was and had all necessary amenities.

They knew that unlike Jason, Green Lantern didn’t live in his safehouse. It was just a place to work, store sensitive equipment and files, and bunker down in emergencies if needed. Sadly, the details of where he did live were under a layer of security even Babs couldn’t override without setting off an alarm so this was the only location they could find to search. “You’re just looking for reasons to dislike it because of Bruce.”

“He’s making it so easy though,” Jason argued picking up a mug of what could have once been anything and peering inside at the miniature ecosystem now growing there.

“What are we looking for?” Damian asked, poking at an alien object stored on a shelf beside a lego wookiee.

“Anything that might give us a clue about his relationship with Batman. Evidence of an affair. Something we can use to put a stop to it.”

They all spread out, turning the place over gently. Despite Jason’s desire to break stuff they had agreed to be discreet, leaving behind no sign they had been there.

He settled for stealing a single block of lego from every model he found. There were a lot of them for some reason. Another point against Lantern in Jason’s opinion. Who even had time to build all these? The answer of course was that Green Lantern took the kits along for something to do during long flights in space but Jason didn’t know that so felt fully justified in passing judgement.

Tim wandered along the hall into a small office where a desk and computer were set up, along with shelves of files. Flicking through one made his heart jump in alarm.

“Oh My God! Guys!” he called out, shrill and urgent. “Whatever you’re doing drop it. Come here, right now!”

They all came running, squeezing together into the small space.

“What?” Dick demanded.

Tim just turned the file he had open around and pushed it towards them.

Several gasps sounded.

Damain lurched forward roughly flicking through the pages, one after the other.

Cass grabbed another file from the shelf and opened it, scanning the contents. The rest of them followed suit. Any attempt to leave no trace was abandoned as they all spread out, half in the room and half in the hall. Laying the files across every surface and pulling out page after page of information the Green Lantern had compiled….

…on Bruce Wayne.

Chapter Text

“I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. You are a little shit.”

Bruce let his eyes go wide and gasped, hand to his heart. “Me?”

Oliver glared at him to no effect.

“It’s not even my fault this time,” Bruce defended, “This was Martha’s idea.”

Across the coffee table from them in Oliver’s Star City apartment Martha Kent gave a little shrug, unrepentant.

The Kents, along with Diana, Bruce, and J’onn were all staying the weekend at Oliver's. The following day Bruce, Martha, and J’onn were heading to the Star City flower festival whilst Jonathan, Oliver, and Diana had tickets to a football game. Obviously with all of them in one place and all of them in on the Hal/Bruce secret they were taking the opportunity that night to discuss everything that had happened so far.

“Just make the call Ollie,” Bruce said.

“If your children come to kill me after this, I’m using you as a human shield.”

“Noted.”

Across in Gotham the Batkid’s were still lining up the files they had confiscated from Green Lanterns safe house on the big meeting table in the cave when Dicks phone rang.

He answered it with a frown, “Hey Uncle Ollie, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Dick, hey I uh,” Oliver sounded nervous and it was enough to make Dick pause in his task and stand up straight, catching the attention of the others.

“Everything ok?”

“Uh, yes, yeah. Well, actually no, I guess. It’s about Hal.”

Dicks eyes went wide and he slumped into a seat waving his siblings over to listen in, switching to speaker.

“What about Hal?”

Oliver heaved a sigh. “I don’t know if I should be telling you this but…Roy said you tried to visit Hal at home and he wasn’t responding and you were worried and I…”

“What’s wrong?”

Another sigh, deeper this time.

“Hal isn’t at home right now. He’s safe, don’t worry. He’s getting the help he needs.”

The Bat kids gathered around the phone with wide eyes and open mouths all shared confused glances.

“What do you mean?” Dick asked, a feeling of dread creeping up him. 

“I don’t know if Black Bat mentioned it to you but last time Hal was in Gotham he was involved in an armed robbery.”

The dread increased.

“Yeah, Cass mentioned it,” Dick muttered, his mouth going dry.

“Right, well, he was fine I guess, whilst he was in Gotham. Held it together and all, but once he got home, I guess the shock wore off. The guy shooting his gun so near to Hal seems to have triggered some latent PTSD from his military days and…look like I said he’s safe, he’s at a place getting help. Bruce said he didn’t want to mention this to you kids but I just…Roy said you were worried and I wanted you to know he’s gonna be ok.”

“Ok,” Dick managed to choke out around the lump in his throat, “Right, thanks.”

“And, don’t mention this to Hal,” Oliver pleaded, “When he gets back. I uh, I think he’s kind of embarrassed about it.”

“Yeah, of course. Thank you again.”

Dick hung up then let his eyes drift around to the pale horrified faces around him, every one of them either sitting or leaning heavily on something.

“Oh God,” Stephanie whispered, looking ill, “What did we do?”

Guilt swamped them all like a shroud.

Damian rounded on Jason with a snarl, “Why did you have to shoot that gun!?” he demanded.

Jason looked like he was asking himself the same thing, but that didn’t stop him lashing back, “Don’t blame me. The whole thing was Cassandra’s idea.”

Upset enough that she couldn’t form words Cassandra was instead signing rapidly ‘Only said meet Black Bat. Not robbery. I didn’t scare him. I was nice. Tim’s Idea to…’

Tim clenched his fist in anger “Well Barbara agreed to the plan. Why didn’t she stop us?”

Whirling her chair around to face him Barbara looked furious, “Don’t you dare push this on me! I am not your damned Mother Drake! Any of you! It’s not my responsibility to think for you or manage your…”

“Shut up all of you just shut up!” Dick screamed distraught. “We are all to blame. We were all involved in the plan. We all agreed to it. All of us! It’s done. We can’t undo it. All we can do now is make it right!”

…

Back at Oliver’s the archer glared at Bruce and Martha who were sitting side by side with matching looks of innocence.

“Can’t believe you made me do that. You are both horrible people. You realise those kids are going to be wrecked by this?”

“They’ll be fine,” Bruce shrugged. “It’s a learning opportunity.”

Martha nodded. “Not everyone is surrounded by chaos and violence every day. I think sometimes all of you hero types forget that. They staged a fake robbery whilst fully believing Hal is just a normal civilian. For all they knew he really could have been traumatised. They need to learn they can’t do things like that!”

J’onn and Jonathan both nodded in agreement.

“But do we have to traumatise them to the get the message across?” Oliver implored. “Can’t you just give them a Bat lecture?” he asked Bruce.

"I can't. They don't know that I know they faked it."

“You should tell them the truth,” Diana said, as she had been repeating all night.

Bruce waved both of them away.

“They’ll be fine.”

…

Alfred made his way slowly but surely up the gravel driveway of Wayne Manor, waving to the taxi as it drove off. He was proud to say he only tripped twice. Once over a dip in the gavel from where Dick had churned it up with the wheel of his motorcycle and once up the back stairs to the kitchen entrance. Some brief fumbling with his keys which he only dropped once, a vast improvement on last month, and he was finally in. Success!

His monthly poker nights with Jim Gordan and Harvey Bullock were a long-standing tradition and one he greatly enjoyed, even if these days it did take him two days to recover afterwards. Bruce had suggested once that maybe he should go a little easier on the scotch during those nights. Alfred had told him to piss off.

Blinking away the dots in his vision Alfred stumbled into his kitchen and with only mild surprise surveyed the gathering of teens and young adults crowded around the island, some of them openly sobbing, others with red rimmed eyes, all of them surrounded by piles of junk food and bowls of ice-cream which they were despondently working through.

Bruce is fine, the last functioning part of his brain assured him, whatever this is about, they would have come to collect me if Bruce wasn’t fine.

“Alfie,” Stephanie whimpered over a bowl of Triple Choc Chip “We’re horrible people.”

Alfred blinked at the sea of contrite faces then wandered over to the sink and poured himself a glass of water, gulping it down to clear his head some.

“Anyone dead?”

“No.”

“Anyone dying?”

“No.”

“World ending?”

“No.”

“What’s the problem?”

“We’re horrible.”

“Ok,” he said, making his way towards the door that led to his living quarters, his bed calling to him. “Good job. You should work on that.”

Chapter Text

Bruce wishes he was wearing his Batman costume.

His perfect wonderful Batman costume with its long cape and solid codpiece.

‘Do not get an erection in front of your children’ he sternly told himself.

On the table in front of him file after file of ‘evidence’ was laid out. Colour coded, categorised, and alphabetised. There were indexes, subindexes, and tabs. So many tabs.

Hal had been so thorough. So organised.

Bruce slid smoothly into a seat and shuffled it under the table glad that Alfred had talked him out of buying that fancy glass one all those years back.

“Yes,” he muttered collecting his thoughts as the kids surrounded him, waiting for his reaction to their revelation. “This is certainly concerning.”

“Concerning?” Jason snapped. “This is more than concerning don’t you think? Your creepy lover is stalking you!”

Lover?

“Oh, so you do know about him?”

He had been sure they didn’t know about Hal. This was a surprise.

Dick’s eyes went wide then narrowed in anger, “Yeah Bruce we know! Superman told us. I didn’t want to believe it, but apparently it really was true. I can’t believe you would do this! How could you? How could you cheat on Hal?”

“Yeah!” the others demanded, equally angry.

Cheat on…? What?

“Cheat?” Oh, for goodness’ sake. “I am not cheating on Hal!”

“Then explain why you are flirting with Green Lantern,” Stephanie demanded. “Clark told us all about it. He said it’s disgusting.”

“Obscene,” Cassandra corrected.

“Yeah. Disgusting and obscene.”

“Just tell us the truth Bruce!”

“I…” Bruce paused, thinking it through.

Hmm. The truth. They wanted the truth? Ok then. He could do that.

“I am not cheating on Hal, but I have been flirting with Green Lantern recently,” he confessed.

“Why?”

Instead of answering he just waved his hand at the table full of files.

“You knew about this?” Jason asked.

“Not exactly. I didn’t know the full extent of it. But I did know that Green Lantern was stalking Bruce Wayne. He, became obsessed with me a while back. Even confessed as much to Batman.”

Staphanie’s eyes were bulging out of her head. “Holy shit.”

“It started harmless enough. A simple celebrity crush. Over time it grew into something more. He concocted a fantasy of us dating. Began compiling information on me. He later discovered that Batman and Bruce Wayne were the same person.” When I told him, he failed to add.

“Holy shit!”

“Steph, please?” he implored. Why must his children swear so much?

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I didn’t feel it was necessary.”

“Not necessary??”

Barbara crossed her arms and glared around the room. “I think you are all missing the big question.” She pointed out, meeting Bruce's gaze. “If you know Green Lantern is a crazy stalker, why are you flirting with him?”

He just stared back, face blank. They had asked for the truth so he wouldn’t lie. He wasn’t above letting them reach their own false conclusions however. They certainly seemed adept at it.

“Keep you friends close and enemies closer,” Tim said knowingly. “I get it. You’re investigating him. But letting him think he has a chance with you to keep him from escalating any further in the meantime.”

The rest of them relaxed slightly, seemingly satisfied with this explanation.

“Well, I’d say you have all the evidence you need B,” Dick said. “Time to break out the contingency plan.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Contingencies are for emergencies. Stalking notwithstanding, Green Lantern hasn’t done anything to indicate he is a danger.”

“Yet,” Jason grunted.

“You don’t think this is dangerous?” Damian demanded waving his hand at the files.

“No.”

“Unbelievable.”

“So what? You’re just going to play along with the stalker forever? Or do you have a plan?”

Bruce stayed silent again.

“Fine,” Dick huffed angrily. “Don’t come crying to us when you end up kidnapped and locked in Green Lantern’s kinky space sex dungeon.”

Now there’s an idea.

Bruce shifted further under the desk.

“I won’t. Now, Green Lantern is returning to Earth in three days. I need you to put these files back where you found them. I don’t need him getting suspicious.”

…

Hal was getting whiplash.

“You Bat’s really take this secret identity thing seriously,” he commented to Bruce, sliding into bed, still reeling from everything.

The day he returned to Earth Batman had met him in the watchtower and called him into a meeting, barely sparing a moment for a quick kiss and a welcome home.

Scarecrow had been trialling several new strains of fear-gas, adapting the formula faster than Bruce could synthesize antidotes. He was hoping that Hal could use his power ring to analyse the samples they had collected so far and see if he could provide any insight that might help them get ahead of the curve.

Bruce wanted him to come to the cave as Green Lantern to work on the case.

As soon as he heard that, Hal found himself glowing even without his suit.

He was invited to the Batcave. He was being welcomed into the inner sanctum of the Bats.

This was big. This was exciting. A huge milestone in their relationship.

He couldn’t wait. Already excited that he would get to work not just with Batman in his own territory, but with the kids as well. See them in their element as their vigilante identities.

“Just remember,” Bruce had warned him, “No civilian names in the cave. We keep our identities separate.”

He hadn’t been kidding.

Those first few hours in the cave were some of the most nerve-wracking of Hal’s life.

The whole time he wondered if he had done something wrong, if he had maybe inadvertently angered the Batkid’s last time he was here, because whatever good grace he had thought he’d built with them during his stay at the manor seemed to have dried up.

They barely spoke to him the whole time he was there, watched him with the over attentive scrutiny of a security guard tailing a known shoplifter just waiting for them to pocket something, glared at him as if he were something fowl. Any attempts at humour were met with blank derision. On the rare occasions he was spoken to he was addressed with a curt ‘Lantern’ and nothing more. He wanted so badly to break down and ask them what he had done and how to make it right. Wanted to plead forgiveness for whatever slight he had committed.

He couldn’t though. Not when they weren’t even acknowledging they knew each other. When they were treating him like a stranger.

Bruce’s warning kept him from speaking up.

“No civilian names in the cave. We keep our identities separate.”

He bit his tongue and stayed silent, focusing instead on the case.

He analysed every sample Batman presented him with, sparing no detail in his report of each one, ruthlessly efficient as he helped them to form new cures and figure out how Scarecrow was adapting the formula so quickly.

Hal still didn’t know what he had done to anger the kids but resolutely he vowed that if he couldn’t win back their affection then he could at least earn their respect by being useful and completing the task he had been brought in to do.

Just as Hal finished his report on the last sample, his League communicator sounded, echoed by Batman’s across the cave and they both bid goodbye to the young vigilantes.

“Thanks for having me,” Hal waved, just before stepping into the zeta-tube. “I look forward to working with you again.”

He received no response beyond blank stares.

Emerging in the Watchtower Hal breathed a sigh of relief, glad to be out of there.

“Are they mad at me?” he asked Bruce as the Bat followed him out moments later.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

The arrival of Superman cut off any further questioning as he directed their attention to the army of killbots gathering in Paris, Hal shut off his worries and stood up taller. Personal problems would have to wait. It was time to get to work.

Another week passed before Hal returned to Gotham. This time as Hal Jordan. A mixture of League work, Ferris work, and the usual tasks like airing his apartment and restocking his fridge that needed to be delt with following a long stint in space kept him busy.

He walked up to Wayne Manor with a growing sense of apprehension.

Despite Bruce’s assurances, it was obvious the kids weren’t happy with him.

Bruce had made it clear early on in the relationship that his kids came before anything. That he would not compromise on that. So, if they were angry with Hal, angry enough perhaps to ask Bruce to end things with him, well, Hal wouldn’t fight him on it. The last thing he wanted in the world was to be a source of tension between Bruce and his children. None of them deserved that.

He wasn’t worth it.

That didn’t mean he was giving up yet though. There was still hope. Whatever he had done to upset the kids, he was prepared to grovel. Ready to plead forgiveness and offer whatever reparation was necessary to put things right.

He took a deep breath and stepped into the house, steeling himself for icy glares and angry words.

“Hal!” a loud voice cried out as soon as he crossed the threshold. Tim by the sound of it, though several other voices echoed the cry through the house.

Hal stood frozen in the atrium as rapid footsteps thundered closer in every direction and then he was surrounded. Arms full of overexcited Bat’s.

“You’re back!”

“You’re here.”

“Welcome home.”

“We missed you.”

What?

The aloof coldness of the cave was nowhere to be seen, instead he found himself surrounded by warm smiles and affection as he was swept through the house to the family room and deposited into a chair. His favourite snacks appeared in his hands like magic, along with a coffee just the way he liked it.

“We’re so happy you’re here,” they kept assuring him. “How are you? Are you ok? We missed you so much.”

What the heck?

Bruce arrived home to find Hal in the centre of a cuddle pile watching Megamind.

Hal shot him a pleading look, hoping his confusion was properly translated.

The other man just smiled, leaning down to give Hal a proper welcome home kiss that made the surrounding kids groan and shift away. Dropping into the now vacant spot beside Hal, Bruce cuddled close and whispered in his ear. “I told you. We keep our identities separate.”

All at once it made sense.

Clearly, Hal realised, he was still being tested. Hal Jordan may have been deemed an acceptable partner for Brucie Wayne, but Green Lantern was not yet approved as Batfamily worthy.

That was fine. He loved a challenge.

Chapter Text

“Are you out of your actual mind?” Jason demanded, glaring at Tim across the table. “Seriously?” he asked the rest of this siblings, “Did you all hear what this peasant just said?”

“Peasant?” Tim parroted, “Of the two of us I’m the one who was born rich.”

“So why are you the one suggesting we cheap out on the music with a Spotify playlist you classless drip.”

“Screw you, you…”

“I agree with Jason,” Stephanie cut in. “We have to go all out for this! We need a DJ.”

Dick frowned at all of them, distracted for a moment from his mood board of cakes, “I thought we were getting a live band?”

Damian nodded. “We’ll get both. Live band in the ballroom, DJ out on the pavilion.”

“Spotify in the bathrooms."

Tim threw a spoon at Jason's head, glancing down at the playlist on his laptop he had already put together. “I get no appreciation in this family.”

“What band are we getting?” Barbara asked, flipping to the next page in her planning journal. It was a worryingly thick journal Bruce thought, wondering not for the first time why Hal had agreed the let the kids plan this party for him despite Bruce’s numerous warnings not to.

He suspected Hal had thought they would be more restrained than the party planner Bruce had tried to recommend. Sweet naïve fool.

Jason turned to the end of the table where Hal was staring blankly at the pile of mail in front of him. “Hey Hal, what’s your favourite band?”

“Hu?” Hal blinked, looking up in a daze, having apparently missed the entire conversation prior to hearing his name, “Um…”

“Band, favourite, yours, what? Don’t think. Just speak.”

“Uh…Imagine Dragons?”

“Good choice.”

Stephanie turned to Cass who was browsing her own laptop, “How much do they cost?”

“You are not hiring Imagine Dragons for Hal’s birthday party,” Bruce said trying to impose at least a little bit of restraint on this thing.

He made a valiant effort not to laugh when Hal choked on air. “Hire….you…what?”

“Relax Cherry-bomb.”

“No!” multiple voices said at once making him pout.

Bruce and Hal had been trialling different pet names recently and the kids had been vehemently rejecting any they deemed too much. Which was most. So far, they had allowed, honey, darling, and dearest. They had vetoed Pookie, Shnookums, angel cake, and Halie-kins, to name just a few.

“You can’t hire Imagine Dragons for my birthday,” Hal insisted in a panic.

“I just said that,” Bruce pointed out. “They aren’t allowed. We’ll get a small local band.”

“No, I mean, you can’t. Like can’t, can’t. Like they are famous celebrities. They are huge. People go to stadiums to see them you can’t just hire them for my birthday party. You can’t! That’s not a thing that people can do in this reality.”

“You can if you’re rich,” Stephanie laughed. “And well connected.”

“I’m not rich,” Hal stated firmly. “Or well connected.”

“You’re rich adjacent.”

“And Bruce knows enough people that it won’t take more than a few calls to get them on board.”

“I said no,” Bruce repeated.

Hal was looking a little green, which was usually a good colour on him but not in this particular shade. “I don’t…fuck…”

“Breathe, Sweet Pea,” Bruce coaxed.

“No,” several kids said.

“Aww I like that one,” Cass argued because she was a sweetheart and Bruce's favourite child of the day.

“Calm down dear,” he tried, sticking to the approved list, “Deep breaths in, deep breaths out. Here, why don’t you open some more of your birthday cards?”

If anything Hal just looked more panicked, attention returning to the mountain of envelopes that had begun arriving the day before from his fans. There were quite a few.

Last night Hal had confided that since they began publicly dating, it seemed that Hal Jordan now had more fans than Green Lantern and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. After he fell asleep Bruce had anonymously joined the largest Green Lantern fanclub he could find online and posted a barrage of messages praising the hero’s work over the years.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Hal muttered, plucking an envelope from the pile and opening it with shaking hands, barely glancing at the card inside before moving onto the next, “I’m totally fine. I knew what I was signing up for. The reality of life with the crazy rich Gothamites isn’t overwhelming at all. I’m doing great. I’m calm, I’m at peace, I’m holding a spoon.”

Bruce blinked, surprised by the random segue. Hal was in fact suddenly holding a spoon. A silver spoon. He reached over and picked up the last envelope Hal had opened, turning it over to read the front. “Addressed to Mr Alfred Pennyworth,” he read aloud, laughing as he realised what had happened. “Must have gotten mixed up with the rest by mistake.”

The kids all looked delighted.

“We have a spoon everybody,” Stephanie cheered. “Oh, Alfie is going to be so mad.”

“Not at you, love,” Bruce assured Hal, who looked suddenly terrified.

That at least seemed enough to calm him. “Anyone want to fill me in?”

Bruce snorted, but it was Dick who took up the tale.

“Well, the long and short of it is, a few years ago Bruce dated this woman who was…” he paused, clearly searching for a polite phrasing.

Jason had no such tact “a total kleptomaniac.”

Bruce let out a weary huff.

“Anyhoo,” Dick continued. “Once when she was visiting the manor Alfred made a wisecrack about hiding the silver.”

The kids were all sniggering now.

Tim picked up the thread, “So when Bruce and her broke up…she stole the silver cutlery set.”

“Which my mother’s family had gifted my parents as a wedding present,” Bruce explained.

“She has been mailing it back to Alfred piece by piece for the last few years,” Cass giggled.

Hal’s eyes went wide and Bruce saw his eyes crinkle in amusement. “Wow that’s…”

“Diabolical,” Jason grinned.

“Alfred hates it. Every time a new piece arrives, he calmly puts it back in the display box,” Tim explained, pointing to the ornate box resting on a cabinet at the head of the room. “Then gets really snippy for the rest of the day.”

“Snippy?”

“I once asked for a sandwich the day he received a salad fork,” Bruce recalled “He handed me an apple and asked if there was anything else I wanted whilst staring at me unblinking. I’d never been so afraid in my life.”

The room filled with laughter and Bruce beamed at seeing his kids and boyfriend so happy together.

“Someone put this in the box please?” he asked, holding out the spoon to Stephanie who took it and slotted it into its proper place, “Before Alfred sees it, if we’re lucky he won’t notice.”

“What is the chance of that?”

“Less than 5%. For the next few days, don’t ask for any sandwiches.”

“Where is Alfred anyway?” Dick wondered.

“He said he had an errand,” Bruce told them, although the butler had refused to specify what that errand was when Bruce had passed him in the garage earlier.

Slowly they returned to their party planning and now that he was paying attention Hal had a few ideas.

“I want a mariachi band!” he declared with an excited grin. “I love those guys, so does Barry! Oh, Barry’s my best friend,” he explained to the kids. “He’s coming to the party and he will go absolutely nuts if there is a mariachi band.”

“Mariachi band,” Barbara noted adding it to her planner.

Hal beamed with excitement. “What else can I have?”

“Anything you like.”

“Anything?”

“Anything at all. Go nuts.”

“Go nuts hu?” Hal grinned; eyes sparkling. “Okay. Can I have a bouncy castle on the lawn?” he grinned, “Ten bouncy castles. A bouncy village.”

Bruce was a little alarmed to see Barbara write that down.

“How about a tiki bar?” Hal continued, “A slipnslide? Fill the ballroom with foam and make it a rave? Glow sticks? Thousands of them! Oh! Fill the pool with Orbeez.”

“Is that safe?” Damian asked.

“No, it is not,” Bruce replied, leaning over and pulling the notebook away from Barbara. “I think that’s enough ideas for one party. No to the Orbeez. No to the foam. The rest are acceptable.”

“Spoil sport,” Jason griped.

“What else do we need to decide on?” Hal wondered.

“Costumes.” Cass grinned.

“Yes costumes! Do you know what you’re going as?” Hal asked Bruce.

“I’m going as the worlds sexiest mathematician, Dr Ian Malcom.”

All the kids groaned and Hal frowned in confusion. “Who?”

“Jeff Goldblum’s character in Jurassic Park.” Stephanie explained rolling her eyes. “Bruce’s first love.”

“Oh.”

“Bruce’s attraction is directly proportional to proximity to dinosaurs.”

“Noted.”

“Speaking of Jeff,” Dick cut in, addressing Bruce, “Are you inviting him to this party? Like you do every other party, or now that you have an actual boyfriend are finally going to give up and accept he’s not coming?”

“It’s not my party.”

“You invite Jeff Goldblum to all your parties?” Hal laughed.

“His parties, his gallas, Thanksgiving, our parent teacher conferences.”

“He’s one invitation away from a restraining order at this point.”

“Oh really?” Hal smirked, “Brucie baby, am I dating a stalker? How scandalous. I’m shocked!”

It took everything in Bruce’s power not to comment on that in front of the kids.

He was saved from the struggle by Alfred’s return. The butler strolled into the room, keen eyes scanning every occupant and the chaos of swatch boards, catalogues, tablets, and laptops, not to mention the supersized whiteboard someone had brought up from the cave, Bruce’s notes from the last Riddler case wiped out and replaced with theme ideas.

“Mr Jordan,” he said, ignoring the mess with expert professionalism, “I have gathered all your requested ingredients. The kitchen is ready.”

The low hum of conversation that had started up again as the kids continued their planning abruptly stopped, the kids and Bruce all frozen in shock as Hal rose to standing, headed for the door.

“Thanks Alfred.”

“What’s happening?” Jason asked, looking shell shocked.

“I’m cooking dinner tonight,” Hal explained, slowing to a stop in the doorway and glancing back.

Across the room there was a sharp screech. Bruce wasn’t sure if it was Cassandra or Dick.

“You’re cooking dinner?” Tim asked, jaw slack, “Here? In the manor. In Alfred’s kitchen. Alfred’s kitchen that no one but Alfred is allowed to cook in ever?”

“I’m not even allowed to make toast,” Bruce muttered, feeling a little betrayed. Even on Alfred’s days off they were only permitted to reheat preprepared meals for dinner, not cook new ones.

Everyone stared at Hal like he had performed an impossible magic trick.

“How did you convince him?” Dick demanded.

“Tell us your secrets,” Cass whispered.

Alfred gave a soft snort at their dramatics. “Whist ordinarily I do not allow others to cook in my kitchen, on this occasion I have agreed to an exception.”

“This is his birthday gift to me,” Hal said.

Jason lit up in excitement, “Alfie for my birthd…”

“No, you may not.”

“God damn it.” A single raised eyebrow, had the young man hanging his head contrite, “Sorry.”

With a parting chuckle Hal continued out of the room, “Dinner will be at six thirty guys, keep working on the party plans, try to build up an appetite.”

As he disappeared from sight, Alfred following after him the family shared looks of disbelief.

“He’s allowed to cook.”

“Un-fudging-believable.”

“Hey Bruce, if we do a good job with the party planning, can we plan your wedding too?”

Barbara pulled out a second journal, “Way ahead of you.”

“Ok now,” Bruce held up his hands, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.”

“Green Lantern wouldn’t be allowed to cook dinner,” Stephanie sneered, bringing up what had been the kid’s second favourite topic of conversation lately after party planning.

“I still can’t believe Father let him into the cave.”

“We needed his help Damian,” Bruce sighed.

The boy bristled at the very suggestion, clearly gearing up for a rant.

“If you drop this now, I’ll let you bring all your pets to the wedding.” Bruce blurted, “If there ever is one,” he tacked on as a disclaimer. “One day. Not anytime soon. Just one day. Maybe.”

At the sheer excitement on all of their faces, Bruce regretted saying any of that already. He backed out of the room, planning to go peek into the kitchen.

As he left, he wasn’t certain which of the two planning journals the kids were leaning over but he suspected it wasn’t the birthday one.