Archive of Our Own ^beta

Different

She first noticed it during a truth or dare game. How cliché.

They were all in the big living room, the seven of them, sitting in a circle around the alcohol and the questions that each of them had written, folded and put in a basket. A lot of "dare" were like "kiss the person you want" or "let the person at your right give you a massage" so when her turn came, Soazig chose "truth".

- Alright my dear, said Jade. Oh, you're gonna love this one. Ready ? Of all the people here, with whom would you have sex with ? 

The others were laughing, nervously maybe, impatients for her answer. But all that Soazig said was "no one". 

*

Everybody had gone to sleep. Alone in her room and hiden under the duvet, Soazig was giving in to a ritual whose she only understood the physiological aspect. Careful as to not make any noise, holding her breath to keep it natural and moving as little as possible to not wrinkle the sheets, because even that little sound could be heard in the quiet, silent night.

She was thinking of pleasant things, shameful scenarios and fantasies buried deep inside her. There were people in them, but none were known to her. In fact, their bodies represented more a presence than a real person. She wondered if that was a problem, since she had learn that fateful night, after too many drinks, that all of her friends fantasized about other people. Real people. Friends, exes, celebrities, people seen in the street... That during this intimate moment, faces manifested in their minds and existing bodies were performing acts whose she only knew what she had read about the subject (and saw on the internet on some sites that her parents had always forbidden, but she was not comfortable to admit it yet).

She guessed that if her friends were all doing it, then that was the norm. So she tried, too.

Without knowing why her first thought turned to Coline, one of her shy friend. She had already seen her in a swimsuit at the municipal pool and had found her beautiful (seductive, even ?). Ignoring the shame growing inside her, she imagined her breasts, her long dark hair, her pale skin and moles. She would stroke her fingers on her soft skin- And then what ? She knew what was supposed to happen next, had seen it too many times on television. Nevertheless, a block was erected in her mind. She was frozen, immobilized like a statue. Coline, despite her charm, was not the right choice to do this. Perhaps because she was also a girl.

So she changed tactics and thought about Leo. Sporty and tanned, Leo attracted a lot of girls despite his macho side. He was that sort of guy with whom go out to increase one’s popularity. In theory everything was perfect. But the idea of spending her hands on his chest or his butt did nothing to her.

Desire fell, making her frustrated. She started again thinking only about her own fantasies, no one included. Her breath accelerated.

The image of Eliott came to her in a last effort. Eliott with whom she had always had a special bond, her best friend and closest person after her older brother. Eliott with his unruly tuft of light red hair and his smile which loved life. She said to herself that so close, the idea of a real person would finally bring her to the end. She imagined taking him in her hand, french kissing him like the end of the world was near (that always worked in the movies), could almost hear their labored breathing... But instead of exploding, imagining herself and Eliott like that was… It was not disgust, not entirely. Rather a detached feeling, as if all this did not reach her.

She exhaled and deflated like a punctured tire. A cake batter who did not take despite the yeast, that's what she was. So she went back to her world, dark, shameful and faceless, and finished her business with no satisfaction other than the body’s that finally reached its fullness.

*

- Huh, just like that ?

- Wait, Soazig, it was kind of obvious. The two turned around each other since middle school. You must have noticed it.

Iris looked at her with insistence, her big green eyes waiting for an answer which, it seemed, should have been obvious. Well, obvious for anyone but her, apparently. So Soazig forced herself to think back. Yes, maybe she had seen the relationship between Jade and Lucas grow lately, but she had never thought of the famous word, the one with the big L. How could she guess that the two were dating whereas a few years ago, they were still spitting water from the school sinks to each other’s face ? So that’s was it was, falling in love ?

- But they’re arguing constantly, she said, puzzled.

- They get mad at each other but it never lasts long. Jade likes bitching after Lucas and he cares while pretending not to.

She wondered why she was the only one who didn’t notice it.

She found herself strangely disapointed with the idea of Lucas dating Jade. Not that she wished them harm - both were her friends, and if they were happy together then all the better - but she had always imagined him like her, too busy with studies and enjoying life on his own to be interested in a relationship. It was as if, suddenly, he would become like all those who get in couples - all foolish and stupid. Suddenly they lose all reason and could be found at every angle corridor, groping at each other as if the end of the world would fall on them at any moment. She did not understand how, in the space of a decision, they could move from simple high school students to two leeches stuck to each other. Something turned their brains or what ?

- They're lucky to have finally found each other, sighed Iris with envy. I hope I will meet someone soon, too.

Speak for yourself, Soazig thought.

Iris appeared sincere. She had that dreamy look and a smile was slowly growing on her lips. What could she answer, except something to please her friend ? She knew that between the two of them, it was Iris who was right.

- You'll find someone, don’t worry.

- I hope so... Don't tell anyone but apart from you, I'm the last virgin of the group. Don’t you find that situation difficult ? Unless you did it and didn’t tell me, you little secretive!

Iris had a teasing smile on her face and Soazig paid her back, embarrassed. She was aware that it was almost a shame to have never slept with someone at seventeen. It had become a sort of social criteria in high school, the popular rumor about who did it or not. As months passed, she hesitated more and more while answering. To lie or not to lie, that is the question.

- No I didn’t. The moment will come when it’ll come, I still have time. So do you, by the way.

What a great answer full of wisdom that was.

- Yeah, we’re still young. We’ll stand together between virgins, right ? In the meantime, do you think I should make the first move with Nino ? 

*

A year later, the inevitable happened. Iris did it with her boyfriend. Soazig already imagined the looks of all students on her, pointing at the last virgin of the group and maybe even of the entire school. She tried to remember that she still had time. After all, maybe she will find someone in college. Of course that was what she had already told herself in middle school, when the pressure had started to grow - that once in high school it would be alright. That she would have a boyfriend and be normal. Today the final exam was approaching, and still no Prince Charming in sight.

But thinking of it, did she really want one ?

She was quite pretty in her own way. According to her friends, few guys had already hit on her, but either she had not been able to read between the lines or the approach had been so direct that she had asked herself where did this sudden interest came from and if it was sincere. Often, the answer had been no. More important, no boy had given her the famous effect with a big E that fit so well with the word beginning with a capital L.

- Not even Eliott ? asked her brother as she helped him move into his small apartment.

The place was located near his workplace in the city center. A small two piece rented for the price of two times their parents’s country home. She was going to miss him.

- I don’t want to go out with Elie, you're crazy! We know each other since too long, that would be weird.

The image of her and Eliott naked in a bed materialized again and she had to repress a shudder. Yes, definitely weird.

- There are two kinds of couples, you know, Loic said calmly. Some meet people in hope to seduce, and some have a relationship gradually moving from friendship to love. Maybe you and Eliott will realize that your feelings are more than friendship.

- But it’s not the case. Not for me anyway, and hopefully not for him either.

- Why, don’t you want somebody loving you ?

- Not like that, no. That would be... weird! And anyway, Coline is already falling for him, so the thing between the two of them should not delay if we follow the logic of events. They all get together as if they're unable to grow up alone. Like getting with someone was some sort of rite of passage or something.

- They probably just want to share this development with someone else. Isn’t it the deeper purpose of a couple, to share the things you hold dear ?

- What for ? Why doing everything with someone else ? Is there a law for that ?

Loic watched her much like Iris months ago. Something wasn’t right with her for everybody looking at her as if she was dumb. Perhaps it was that after all; she lacked the thing that would make her normal. Maybe she should go see a shrink so he could tell her problem.

- Perhaps you haven’t mature enough to understand this sort of thing. You're probably not ready, Loic said.

- I'm not stupid, you know.

- I never said that, Zizi (stop calling me that!), on the contrary. They say that smart people repress more their emotions, that they reason more than they let go. Maybe you should listen more to your heart.

Even when the heart does not send any signal of this kind ?

 * 

Soazig wondered in fact if she was not in love. With Eliott. Her brother, who was more often right than wrong, had managed the difficult task of messing up with her mind so that a unique solution seemed right to her: she could not decipher the language of her heart. She was in love but did not know it because the information was lost between the synapses. Hop, disappeared. Not convenient at all.

Her relationship with Eliott was similar to Lucas and Jade’s, so it was a possibility she could not ignore. They spent their time bickering like children and shared real good times when together. She loved to hear him laugh and sometimes, out of curiosity, guessed as the more he grew up his new muscles through a sweatshirt or the shape of his ass through his jeans. So this must have been love, right ?

It was with this in mind that she went to the party that Leo had organized to celebrate his majority. A lot of alcohol and techno music to let herself go. She was finally going to be like everyone else.

All evening she watched for the right moment, the one where she and Eliot would become this thing, although she did not know what to expect exactly. Would it be like in the movies and romance novels that she tends to hate more and more ? Would he slip into her tent late at night without anyone noticing him ? Would he invite her to a dance and kiss her ? Maybe. But what she had in mind left her with an unpleasant feeling, like an insect that swarms along bare skin. She wanted to remove it with a backhand, but sending her own thoughts flying away was not so easy. Too many doubts lead her to too much alcohol and a contest of Tequila shots did it for her, relieved to not think of anything for a few hours.

At the end she did managed to get his attention. It was Eliott who found her throwing up in a row of vines, illuminating her with his phone. White light dazzled her and probably gave her the look of a zombie searching for fresh flesh or a sleep deprived madwoman. As seduction technique, she had seen better.

- You alright ? he asked her.

Well, at that point, no need to lie.

- It’s like my heart will explode in my head or stops right this instant. And I may want to throw up again. 

- It doesn’t surprise me given everything you've had. This isn't like you. Why did you drink so much ?

She sighed, a hand pressed to her throat.

- I wanted to see if alcohol would make me normal, I suppose.

- Huh ? What're you talking about ? (I'm not sure if I'm in love with you while obviously, I should. That's Love 101.) Come on, there’s still cold chicken wings - I hope. Eating will make you better.

He helped her up and it was only then that she realized the wet earth and fresh grass under her bare feet. Had she really crossed the gravelled courtyard like this ?

- If I puke on you on the way back, it will be entirely your fault.

- Right...

- I will never touch a Tequila bottle again. Or white wine. Never again, you hear me ? Drinking yourself blind on white whine is just disgusting.

- Yeah well, confronting Leo and Lucas at strip poker while it was the only alcohol left was a pretty risky move. You knew that Leo would bring his father's cellar bottles as always. At this rate, you wouldn’t have started tripping in the vineyards you’d have finished naked, old thing.

- I'm not old. Just three months older than you, brat.

He laughed. She had always liked his laugh, full of life and spontaneity. Eliott was the opposite of her, always optimistic and cheerful while she spent her time asking herself too many questions. 

Is this where we are supposed to kiss ? 

Once in her tent, her head like in a cotton spiral and alone, she did not know what to make of the relief that came over her. 

She wondered how she would have reacted if her stupid scenario had come true, if Eliott had really hit on her. If he had decided to take her in his arms or take her hand ? The booze helping she probably would have agreed despite her weird reluctance to be touched, but would still have refused this thing with her hand because the idea of her fingers being prisonners into those of another person was kind of oppressive. And if he had kissed her ? Disregarding the taste of vomit that had persisted in her mouth, of course.

She would not have been all shaken, that is for sure.

She imagined the feel of a tongue against another, two wet and hot bodies touching. The image of two slugs forced upon her and one word came to her mind: urgh. And she was pretty sure that was not what all the fuss is about.

Change of context. If she had not been drunk and had not vomited, would she have dared to take Eliott alone to tell him she was in love with him ?

Well, no. Because of the simple reason that she would never lie to him.

*

Lucas and Jade eventually split up after two years of "I love you, me neither". Soazig thought it was time to put an end to this relationship that had created more tension between them than anything else. Once you realize the person is not the one, why be stubborn and try to pick up the pieces ? Why force yourself in a relationship that is doomed ? What could convince people to make so many concessions for so little in return ?

That is what she wondered seeing Coline and Eliott sitting on the grass next to each other, hands entwined. She didn’t understand the feeling of jealousy that took possession of her when she thought back to their growing relationship. She guessed that she envied their complicity because they seemed happy. And she was not.

But it was her fault, wasn’t it? She did not try, did not embrace others, denied her homosexuality (and you’d better not be a lesbian !) and should see a shrink. That’s what her father had swung in her face at Christmas dinner six months ago.

She felt alone. All her friends had someone in their life now, some even took a lease together, significant step toward an independant adult life. She avoided parties because seeing them gropping at each others made her uncomfortable. Often while observing them, she would wonder what it would be like to be at the end of all these physical touchs, all these marks of affection, and the experience was not pleasant - she felt like suffocating.

Finally, witnessing Eliott, her Elie, with whom she used to spend all her holiday afternoons neglecting her for Coline, sweet Coline… It was eating at her.

But this was her fault too. If only she was like everyone else, all she had to do was fall in love, go out and sleep with someone. They married and had many children. End of story.

Perhaps Loic was right; she had stayed at the emotional stage of a child, forgetting to grow. Children did not seek this sort of relationship. She had matured in her head but not in her heart.

What kind of human beeing that made of her ?

*

Asexual. Aromantic.

She first discovered the words on the internet, after long hours spent on sites, blogs and forums in search of an identity. Scientific sounding words, devoid of any emotional charge as if a patient was being diagnosed.

She did not know whether to laugh or cry.

*

Her view on the world was different now - a fatalistic one, too old for her twenty years. She already foresaw her relational future, all mapped, a line that stretches far away with nobody beside it. But why have pity; it was what she wanted after all, what she was. She would surely become an old cat lady, perhaps it was not so bad...

- You're very thoughtful lately, said Loic after a moment. Is everything alright ?

She looked away from her Mexican salad to meet his gaze. He seemed tired but happy. He liked his work and his relationship with his girlfriend was getting serious. But she could also read the lines of worry on his face.

- Yeah, I guess so. I'm realizing some things and it's a bit hard to take all in.

- You want to talk about it ?

She shrugged and looked down. Far was the time when she confided him with all her secrets without even thinking about it. Things had changed between them without her noticing when and why.

- I don’t know how you would react.

- Soazig, you're my sister. I've already told you, regardless of everything we will always be there for each other.

- Yes, but this time it’s different. It's hard enough to know that my own father will never accept me and will express it to me at every family gathering, so if you-

- Try me.

She sighed. Even if Loic had always been tolerant with her, how to explain what she was feeling, or rather what she was not ? How to explain that unlike many, it was not what she did that bothered, but what she did not ?

- I don’t want a boyfriend. 

- A girlfriend, then ? Is that it ? Because that would be okay.

At any other time, she would have smiled at his attempt to understand.

- No. I mean, I don't want to be with anyone. Ever.

Loic seemed surprised, but again, who could expect to receive such a confession ? It was absurd, so unusual, so abnormal…  He took a moment to answer, as if he weighed the pros and cons of his words.

- Perhaps you haven’t yet found-

Missed.

- Found the right person, yes I know. But if I never find the one, what then ? I’m twenty and I’ve never wanted to go out with someone.

- You're young, you still have time.

She sighed.

- No, you don’t listen to me. My question is : what if I never fall in love, in all my life? And don’t tell me that no one knows for sure, or that there’s a someone on earth for everyone. Because even if it's true, I don’t want to meet someone! I don’t want to get married, to have sex or children and having to share everything with another person. And it scares me because I can’t help it, that's how I am. Yes I'm afraid that I will spend the rest of my life alone, but I’m not going to go against myself just to fit into society’s mold, right ? No, because that's not me.

Here, everything was said. No going back was possible. Fear interfered despite her reason screaming at her that she was safe because how would react her brother ? Was he going to look at her askance, with disgust, get up in the middle of the restaurant and leave ? Or worse, would he deny everything she said and act as if her statement had no value ?

When he didn't answer, she thought of escaping the restaurant and running away from it. Be a coward Soazig, I don't care.

Loic did not speak for a long time. Until :

- In that case, well, don't think too much about it.

- What ?

- I said so be it. I will ensure our line for both of us and dad will be satisfied.

To her disbelief he added:

- I don’t know if it's right or wrong, or even if you make the right choice. Yes it seems strange to me but unlike Dad, I know you're adult enough to validate your own feelings. I know you wouldn’t have tell me all these things if you hadn’t thought about it and turned all the possibilities in your head a thousand times. So if that’s what you want…  Well. I can only try to support you. I just hope you will be happy.

At this moment and for the first time in years, Soazig no longer felt alone.

*

She had dreaded the moment, had saw it coming and could not do anything to prevent it. Jade’s little yes annoyed her to no end. Soazig brought her knees to her chest and crossed her arms, disappointed by the turn of events. Why put romance in an apocalyptic fantasy film ? She found it hard to believe that the two heroes had suddenly the urge to kiss in middle of chaos. Wasn’t there more important things to do, like saving the world for example ?

Disinterested in the movie, she wondered if she was the only one reacting like this. The boys seemed bothered by this kissing scene, which reassured her a little.

- Come on, the bad guy will be here any minute now! Go away! Leo bellowed, arms in the air.

- Shut up for once and let me enjoy the moment, said Jade.

- You know they can’t hear you ? asked Lucas to Leo.

- Hush, you two!

A cry of surprise from the TV proved Leo's gift of clairvoyance. The end of the film was even worse, a modern fairy tale where the villain is defeated and the hero and his girlfriend ended their lives happily ever after. What a shame, the original plot idea had had potential.

"No, forget it, the movie’s lame" was the text message she sent to her brother who was always interested in new things to watch with his girlfriend during the long winter evenings.

"Lame by the script or there’s a love story in it ?" was the amused reply.

"Both, but especially the love story"

"So it may be in fact good"

"If your girlfriend is like Jade then she will love it"

"What's the title already?"

"Fuck you"

For a moment where the credits marched and everybody got rid of drinks and biscuits packages, Soazig remained motionless in her chair, fiddling her two black onyx rings located on the middle finger of each hand. The left one for asexuality and the right one for aromantism. Even if no one in her entourage knew the meaning of the rings except Loic to whom she had shown the referents sites, having them on gave her the reassuring feeling to belonging to a community. It was more psychological than anything else, but where was the harm in that?

Since she had discovered that there were people like her all around the world, she would often think back to all that. Lost in herself, she felt alone, despite her friends around her. Sometimes the gape between them felt bigger than before because now she knew she was different, it was not just assumptions. None of her friends knew words like heteronormativity, pansexual, queerplatonic, cisgender and others. Sometimes she’d want to use all these new words in her daily life, to tell people "I’m aromantic and asexual, receptive to aesthetic attraction, yes I have a sex drive and I can be sex-repulsed and still sex-positive” but who would understand ? It was in these moments that her black rings comforted her since on the internet, people would be able to. She was not alone.

- So, what did you think of the film ?

It was Lucas, as slumped as she was into the couch. He who did not seem interested in romantic relationships anymore since his break up with Jade, could she talk to him openly ? Tell him that, once again a film had praised amatonormativity and that yes, a movie without a sex scene in it would be delightful ?

- If they hadn’t fall in love it would’ve been just as good. It brought nothing to the story except slowing it down.

- Yeah, that's what I said to Jade but I think it was a waste of my time. She replied that without the love aspect, the movie would’ve been boring.

She shrugged and Lucas added:

- I just hope that in the next one we won’t have an easy way out like this. But I can’t see at what point in a horror film there could be a love scene.

Soazig smiled.

- Unless, okay imagine, they're making out and one is beeing possessed like in The Exorcist and starts projecting liters of green and slimy vomit on the other ? Admit that it would be fun!

They laughed.

- I admit, I’d love to see Jade’s face at that! Alright, we’re watching this horror movie or what ? he called.

For once, Soazig was almost disappointed when there was not any sex scene. But the film was worth it anyway.

"I’ve got a title for you if you want. It's an horror movie"

"Ah? No happy or romantic ending I presume?" asked her brother.

"No, unfortunately. With Lucas we didn’t have our so hoped laughter"

"I don’t even want to know… "

 *

- I decided to split up with Coline.

Eliott was not looking at her entirely but she knew that these words were addressed to her. Alone on the sunny terrace while the others sang with the music channel inside, he could only talk to her.

- What for ?

- She deserves better.

Soazig raised her eyebrows. It was time for her to enter the "I take care of your relationships even if I don’t understand a thing about it" mode.

- Stop with this crap, you're the perfect boyfriend. You're there for her, you never forget an anniversary and it’s been what, almost three years now ? You love her, everyone realizes that. She can’t ask for more than someone who cares about her like you do.

- So why it’s not enough?

- What’re you talking about ?

Eliott sipped at the beer that has been in his hand for some time and grimaced.

- Next time don’t let it warm in the sun, she smiled.

- I guess it’s as disgusting as you and your white wine at Leo’s.

They smiled at the memory of four years ago that he liked to throw at her face everytime she teased him. Eliott poured the rest of the liquid on the bricks floor and Soazig took the opportunity to resettle on the plastic lounger, preparing herself for the important conversation to come.

- Eliott, this story with Coline ... You're not serious ?

- I don’t know if I made the right choice going out with her. And don’t give me that look, of course I love her, I would never have made that choice otherwise. It's just that I think I don’t love her enough…

- If you're aware of it, I don’t see the problem. Pull yourself together and fix that. Maybe it’s the famous three years turning point.

- No, he said quietly. It's not just the three years thing. It lasts from the beginning.

Soazig thought back to that famous picnic where the two had shown in public for the first time. They had seemed happy. It had been a pleasure to see Coline so fulfilled and in harmony with herself because she was finally goint out with Eliott. As for him, Soazig retained the memory of a young adult who spent his time smiling to everyone but to her. He had looked at her and his joy had vanished, replaced by an expression she had not been able to decipher and which even today, seemed unknown to her.

Eliott scrutinized her with his eyes narrowed by the midday sun. He did grew up, she realized it now. Far was the childhood shyness, it was a confident man she had in front of her. And the realization frightened her because she still didn’t know how to read correctly grown ups feelings.

- The thing is, at the time it wasn’t with Coline I wanted to be, he said. It was with you. By continually waiting I finally guessed it wasn’t mutual. That's the truth, right ? You've never been in love with me.

The confession was like a heavy blow on the head. She lost all words, all her confidence to be able to fix the situation between her two friends and her confidence to be able to answer using the right words. But nothing she would say could make him happy, isn’t it ? For she had promised herself to never lie to him.

- No.

The bitter grin that stretched on his face was as inevitable as painful to see.

- I knew it.

- Elie… I don’t know if it will console you or anything but I've never been in love with anyone. It isn’t because of you. It's just that ...

- Nevermind.

He didn’t look at her now and she felt rejected. Which was selfish because didn’t the opposite happen a minute ago ? She picked up her own beer left under the lounger and forced herself to drink. Hers also had heated and she almost spit it, but it was still better than the heavy silence that stretched between them for perhaps the first time.

Doubt that this revelation would go as far as hindering their friendship began to gnaw at her. Her resentment grew. Against herself, against feelings, even against Eliott. She knew she could not blame him for his sincerity but sometimes ignorance was a sweet delight wich was better preserved. She would have preferred to know nothing and continue living without having to bear the burden of his disappointment. Why did people ruin everything with their fucking love stories ? What the fuck love came to do between them both ?

- Why did you go out with her in the first place, then ? she asked.

- I don’t know. She loved me, was kind to me and I knew it wouldn’t work with you so…

- So you've decided to replace me ?

He looked at her incredulously. Was it hurt that she saw in his eyes ?

- So I decided to give her a chance and learned to love her. Don’t make me the bastard in this story.

- Are you insinuating that it's me then ?

- What ? 

- The bastard. 

- No! Stop putting words in my mouth, Soaz. I'm just saying I was sad that between you and me it would never work out, but notice I never told you about it because I knew it would be rubing salt in the wound.

- Yet it’s what we're talking about right now.

- We’re twenty-two! I thought we were mature enough to say things like that to each other’s face.

- Hey, everything’s ok here?

It was Iris. She was half supported, half-hidden by the window overlooking the terrace and watched them anxiously. No wonder since Eliott and her never quarreled.

- Yes, don’t worry, he conforted. We’re just clarifying one thing.

- Okay. But don’t get mad at each other, ok ? I don’t want the day after my birthday be the cause of your break up.

- For that we need to be together, she corrected, infurriated.

- She spoke of our friendship, Soazig.

- Whatever.

Iris, after a last look at them both, slipped away quietly and went back into the living room. Soazig just hoped that within a minute or two, she and Eliot would not have the whole band pack together at the bay window.

Eliott sighed and ran his hands through his red hair.

- Look, I don’t want to fight with you.

Me neither, she wanted to say, but kept her mouth closed. 

- Maybe I made a mistake by admitting to you that I loved you, I thought I was doing the right thing and I'm sorry. I've never imagined that it would go that far. But right now I don't understand why you're the one who's angry.

- Because-!

But what could she say ? She knew that her bitterness had been unjustified. Fear of losing the bond between Eliott and her because she could not understand his side of it had took over her and made her... well yes, angry. Eliott had said to her something important for which he had probably put his pride aside. Yes, she had not been ready to hear the truth, but was it his fault ? No, of course not.

She sighed. It was time for her to forget about her damn pride and think about their friendship instead.  

- Would you believe me if I say I'm stupid ? 

- Probably. But I still don't understand why you overreacted like that. 

Gosh, this was awkward.

- Because, like you said, I don't love you, not like that, and you love me, or loved me, and don't you see how dangerous it can be to our friendship ? 

Eliott shrugged.

- We manage this far.

- But I didn't know before!  

- Then forget everything I said. 

- No, no I can't do that. 

- Why not ? 

- Because it's important to you! It' s a part of who you are, and how can I pretend that you're my best friend since I don't even remember if I don't know such a thing ? 

She heard him chuckle.

- Now I know why you say you're really hopeless with feelings, but I think this is the first time you tell me such a declaration of love.

She saw him smiled.

- Oh shut up.

- Or how to break the mood-

She tossed the rest of her beer on his bare chest and laughed.

 *

At the end she convinced Eliott to stay with Coline, and seeing them both so happy, she though that although she did not always understand what was going on in people's hearts, she had done the right thing.

She watched his friend as he uncorked a bottle of champagne and wondered what it could feel like to love two people so hard it was painful to have to choose. It was something she would never know. On one hand she was relieved, but there was still that part of her which reminded her that it was an entire part of human feelings that will be forever unknown to her. The realization hurt and in those moments she had to remember that others people like her exist, devoid of sexual attraction or romantic feelings. Sometimes it helped, sometimes not. But life goes on.

- Alright people, what do we wish for this year ?

- Love! said Jade enthusiasticly, always in search of the perfect gentleman who could make her happy.

Lucas rolled his eyes. He had never been with another girl since their breakup four years ago, or anyone, and even if it was probably not true, Soazig liked to see in him an ally.

- Health and happiness, Coline said, eyes twinkling.

The glasses stood up and tingled, everyone looking in the eyes for toast. Many laughed once confronted under Leo’s sustained gaze for he took the opportunity to create his best funny faces.

- And friendship!

Eliott smiled his famous smile which loved life, clinked glasses with her and Soazig, once their glasses back on the table, took him in her arms.

How important was the fact that she was single and wanted to stay that way ? How important was it that she never had the chance to sleep with someone at twenty-three and will maybe die as such ? How her life would have been better ? Would it value more ? After all, she was perfectly capable of loving. She loved her family, loved her brother Loic, loved life, loved her friends and Eliott. There was not only one type of love, and none was better than another. She finally began to understand that the important thing was to accept and to have the courage to be oneself.

That night, surrounded by the people she loved, she was happy.