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It was only after twenty minutes of silence that Enobaria finally realised no-one was coming back for her.
She tried to reason that it was probably for the best, that she’d hate being cooped up with the rebels underground in Thirteen, and besides, she couldn’t even look Johanna in the eye, so at least that was one less problem.
And now the soundtrack to her days would no longer be the screams of Johanna, or Peeta, or even, on occasion, Annie, which even she could admit wasn’t fair.
So why did tears spring to her eyes at the realisation 13 didn’t want her?
The Capitol had gone easy on her, probably having decided between themselves before they’d dropped hovercrafts in to fish them out from the arena that she wasn’t a rebel, by any means, hadn’t had a chance to even think about it, and Two would’ve been the last district to defy the President anyway.
She wondered what would have happened if the rebels had ‘rescued’ her from the jungle instead. Would they have just shot her dead and left her body to the mercy of those monkey mutts?
A good thing, definitely a good thing, that being a Career, being a Two, meant the Capitol imprisoned her but didn’t torture her. Believed her when she said she had no information. She didn’t think they had any idea what to do with her now, though. She wasn't free to leave. Wasn’t free to return to Two.
She supposed she had all the time in the world to think about what side she wanted to play for now it was clear Panem was in full scale rebellion.
What did she want? When the arena blew out, after she watched Brutus die at Peeta Mellark’s hand, realising for a split second, she was alone, so very alone now the remaining players were all in alliance (she had been convinced, for some time, about Chaff, too, before Brutus drove a spear through him), the only thing she could think about wasn’t the rebellion she’d heard whisperings of before the Games, and it was not the Girl on Fire’s actions that would result in her ending up in a Capitol cell, not tortured by any means, but certainly not allowed to roam freely. The only thing she could form a rational thought about was that Johanna Mason had killed the only person her heart beat for, so she may as well die in that moment, anyway.
She didn’t die, though. She ended up here. And now Katniss Everdeen and her band of rebels didn’t want her, and she didn’t really want them, either, but she wanted justice for Cashmere, and hearing Johanna’s screams on repeat didn’t quite cut it.
At least if she had been on the way back to Thirteen right now, she could’ve hatched a plan to finish Johanna off.
It was Katniss killing Gloss that did it. That stupid, irresponsible child who had no idea how deep the bond the Victors who had five, ten years in the industry was. Because there was no way Johanna could convince Katniss to keep her on as an ally if she didn’t show that she was playing for her team.
Johanna never – could never – have done what she did otherwise.
Maybe Johanna knew that Cash wouldn’t have wanted to go on without her brother, saw it as a mercy kill. The best course of action that made sense, in the moment.
But as much as Cashmere loved her brother, needed him, relied on him – sometimes, Enobaria remembered, it took the two of them to pull Cashmere out of her worst meltdowns, Enobaria holding the blonde on the floor while Gloss took her hands and grounded her with deep breaths – she also knew that the two of them could have gone on together. Without Gloss. They would have.
Or maybe, Cashmere would've spent the rest of her days lost, screaming at things only she could see, crying out her brother's name and weeping silently for him. Maybe, she wouldn't have been okay. Maybe that was just Enobaria assuming she was the most important person to Cashmere, when in reality it probably was Gloss.
As tears clouded her vision, Enobaria thought about Cashmere and Gloss’ father, whom she had only met once, on a visit to One. Wealthy for a district man, with a beautiful wife, and their little half-sister, just below reaping age. Would she too, have ended up in the Games? Made it a hat-trick for the family?
Although her relationship with Cashmere was a secret, she still imagined her father walking her down the aisle on their wedding day that could never happen.
Enobaria wondered what had happened, in that house, when he lost both of his children within the space of a minute.
She thought about it all, every different scenario, torturing herself with the 'what ifs' and the 'could've beens'. She even convinced herself at one point that the whole sorry situation was Gloss' fault, for provoking them by killing Wiress. But the plan was to eventually take the whole lot of them out, right? Even Finnick and Johanna, even if it hurt to do that to people she'd once considered friends. The same people who shared her burden of being a Victor. The people who, unlike Katniss Everdeen, had suffered years of consequences of winning the Games.
Oh well. None of it mattered. Because now she had nothing, no home, no freedom, and no Cashmere.
Maybe if the rebels took the Capitol soon, they'd kill her.
Maybe it would be better if they did.
The Capitol had done so much to her, hadn't it? Forced her to mutilate her mouth, forced her to sleep with whomever the President dictated, thrown her into the Games, twice.
But the rebels would always believe she'd side with them ultimately, because she was a Two.
But neither side would really give her justice for Cashmere.
Only killing Johanna Mason would.