Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first thing he remembers is Kafka.

He’s out of it for the most part: she tells him about how she’ll be leaving him, how he’ll have to figure out his life from now on, meet people, find friends, and make decisions that leave him with no regrets. She asks him if it’s a future he wants.

He doesn’t remember what he answers her with.

He supposes it doesn’t matter much in the long run anyway; there are more important things to do, and even more pressing things to worry about.

~

If asked, the second thing he remembers is meeting March 7^th and Dan Heng. It’s the story of how they met after all: Caelus, passed out in a random hallway on Herta’s Space Station, found by the two Astral Express members fighting the Antimatter Legion. They hit it off fantastically well, as noted by Himeko, and even Caelus can acknowledge the ease of how the three of them just fit.

He doesn’t remember much, but he knows how right this feels.

After resolving the issue at the Space Station, it hadn’t been a difficult choice to go with March and Dan Heng when Himeko asked him if he wanted to be a member of the Astral Express. There was nothing that held him in the Space Station: just a memory of a woman leaving him and the promise of interest from a genius known to discard her toys when she grows uninterested in them.

It’s a decision he knows he won’t regret.

~

The first night on the Express, he doesn’t have a room yet. Himeko had apologized for the lack of accomodations, but Caelus finds he doesn’t mind it. The couches are comfortable, and the view of the stars outside is a welcome scenery. Welt has suggested that maybe he can room with someone for the meantime, but Caelus only shook his head.

“It’s alright, I’m okay. At least, as long as Pompom is okay with it?”

Their cute mascot of a conductor only beams at him. “Pompom doesn’t mind! The Astral Express is a smooth sailing operation – as long as you don’t make a mess in the lounge, you can stay here until your room is ready!”

He’s fine with the couch, and he can wait until he has his own room. That night, he falls asleep to the soft music from the lounge’s phonograph.

~

Truthfully, he doesn’t mind the thought of rooming with March – they’re friends now, and the bubbly girl is as amicable to company as they come. Caelus feels strongly for March, even before that time he saved her from the Doomsday Beast at Herta’s Space Station. Her bright happy face is the one of the second things he remembers after waking up – and it’s this easy camaraderie between them that sends him a feeling of comfort in her company.

He respects other people’s boundaries for privacy though, and he wouldn’t want to impose on her.

It’s the same reason why he shot down the idea of rooming with Dan Heng – he hasn’t known him for too long, but he knows with certainty that Dan Heng is a guy with his own secrets to keep. He can respect the distance he puts up, as long as he doesn’t push him away.

~

But if Caelus is being honest, it’s Dan Heng he wants to be closest with. He can’t explain why.

~

Caelus watched as Seele and Bronya bond over their shared past overlooking Rivet Town. He walked away from them, giving the two some privacy.

If he’s honest, it’s not only giving them privacy that’s pushed him to give them some distance; it’s the swelling feeling inside him that aches at the now easy way the two women talk to each other. They had been so antagonistic at first: Seele, so quick to judge someone from the Overworld, and Bronya, unwilling to take criticism of the Silvermane Guards she leads.

What started in conflict had given way to comfort; their newly discovered shared history bridging ideals and outlooks had finally met in the middle, giving them a solid ground to stand on together.

It’s so unlike his own easy friendship with March, but loosely similar to his and Dan Heng’s. Between the three of them, March has always been the chattiest, sometimes tactless that breeds initial misunderstadings, while Dan Heng opted to only speak when he deemed necessary to voice his opinion. Caelus himself struggled to communicate with people, he’s learned: not sure when he should give a serious answer or a silly one, or to just keep silent at all. Between the three of them, they find that they balance each other out nicely: keeping March in line, softening Dan Heng’s intensity, and helping Caelus parse through conversations he’s not sure about most of the time.

He doesn’t like it that he doesn’t remember much, struggling to find his voice through conversations he isn’t sure how to navigate. March oftentimes vibes with his unserious quips to lighten the mood, but its Dan Heng who usually keeps him on track.

He finds himself deferring to the black-haired man when he’s unsure, as does March, but Caelus’ dependence on Dan Heng stems from a need to know what this man is thinking. Dan Heng often just quirks either a brow at them or a small smile, letting Caelus decide for the most part as this was his first Trailblazing expedition.

He likes the way Dan Heng makes him feel like he’s a person capable of making decisions, that he has a voice that can be heard. He likes it when he says something and makes him smile, that small upward curve of his lips betraying amusement.

It’s so little a reaction; it feels like an achievement.

~

“Come on! We gotta take some more pictures before we leave!”

March bounded ahead of them, camera at the ready. After Bronya’s succession ceremony, a lot of the Underworlders have flocked aboveground to become part of the world once more. Caelus has seen March take pictures with multiple people at some point – Natasha and Oleg, Clara and Mr. Svarog, even Caelus being swarmed by Hook and the kids from The Moles. There had been pictures of them and Serval during a street performance, the selfie they took with a stiff-smiling Gepard, and even a distant picture of Bronya on the platform.

It had been a busy day.

“You should take it easy – you’re not fully recovered yet.”

“I’m pretty sure Natasha cleared me good to go,” Caelus smiled at Dan Heng, walking beside him.

After the fight with Cocolia, Caelus had collapsed the night after they told everyone about the Stellaron being sealed away. According to Natasha, Caelus had suffered some internal injuries that had been aggravated after their moving around after the huge fight, which caused him to fall into a quick coma-like state.

It’s a miracle honestly, that Caelus has even recovered in just a few hours to attend Bronya’s ceremony. Regardless of his apparent recovery, his two friends had made it their mission to stick close to him until he gets a proper checkup at the Astral Express.

It’s with this incident that Caelus has learned two things: one, is that March is a lot better at hiding her worry than she lets on. She’s just as bubbly and cheerful as always, excitable at every new and interesting thing to see in Belobog, but she’s never more than a few feet away from him in case he “collapses” or something.

The second one is that, for all that Dan Heng is the silent man with a mysterious past, he’s actually terrible at hiding his concern. Dan Heng has barely left his side all morning, never more than three feet away from him when walking. He would fuss over him in that silent manner whether he should walk closer or maintain a distance, which Caelus finds both endearing and irritating.

He decided he’s had enough of it, so he grabbed Dan Heng’s wrist and pulled him close beside him. Caelus gave Dan Heng a solid look, silently willing him to just stay close if he’s going to keep fussing. The black-haired man’s face betrayed no emotion other than a slight widening of his eyes, but otherwise, he doesn’t pull away.

(Dan Heng’s ears are notoriously red as Caelus held his wrist in his hand, but he attributes it to the cold – despite the Stellaron’s problem being solved, the Eternal Freeze over Jarilo-VI has yet to abate.)

March gives them a strange look when she sees them, before her face morphs into one of familiar mischief.

“Smile for the camera lovebirds!”

He doesn’t realize until later the ease at which he slides his hand from Dan Heng’s wrist and snakes his arm around the other man’s waist. He doesn’t understand why he says “cheese!” for the camera as March takes the shot. He doesn’t remember Dan Heng’s reaction, or the way his hand returns to the man’s wrist again as he pulls him over to where March has bounded over next.

But he remembers the smell of wood and steel, the warmth of a body settling next to him. He remembers warm breaths puffing at his neck, the feeling of eyes on him.

~

“I’m sorry, we’re still clearing out one of the compartments to be your room. I promise it’ll be ready by tomorrow!”

Aboard the Astral Express and ready for their next jump, Caelus found himself in the same dilemma once more.

“It’s fine Himeko, I can stay at the lounge again. I don’t…really have much of anything on me to need a room anyway.”

It’s true; apart from the knick knacks and random trash he’s kept in his convenient spatial inventory, he doesn’t really have anything to call his own possessions. He’s seen March’s room filled with her own stuff and souvenirs, and he’s seen Dan Heng’s room that doubles as the train’s data room, organized and neat despite the many records stored inside. Caelus… doesn’t own anything to his name to even fill a room.

(He doesn’t like the idea of sleeping in a room as empty as his memory and history – it feels too much to be reminded that he has nothing.)

Welt slanted him a pursed look. “I’m certain the lounge is more than comfortable for another night’s sleep, but maybe you should ask March or Dan Heng if they can spare you for the night.”

“No, really, it’s fine, I’m okay,” Caelus began to assure them, before he felt someone walk up behind him.

“He can room with me until his room is ready.”

Caelus turned around to see Dan Heng looking at him intently. He misses the looks of surprise Himeko and Welt wear, giving each other a questioning look.

“Very well then,” Welt voiced slowly, as if unsure but still glad at the outcome, “Caelus, you are welcome to share rooms with Dan Heng for the moment.”

“Quite unexpected though,” Caelus heard Himeko murmur to herself, “never expected someone as private as you to be willing to share a room with someone you only just met.”

Apparently Himeko wasn’t as silent as she assumed, as Dan Heng replied. “We’ve been on one successful Trailblaze expedition. He’s… at least a friend.”

Himeko only gave them a crooked smile, like she knew something they didn’t. “A friend. Of course.”

~

“Are you sure you don’t mind sharing your room with me?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I hadn’t been okay with it.”

Caelus watched as Dan Heng rearranged his sleeping area to accommodate two mattresses for them to sleep on. He had expected to be given his own mattress to lay in, but he didn’t expect that they’d be sleeping beside each other. Dan Heng didn’t strike him as the type to share sleeping space in such close quarters with someone he just met – one Trailblaze expedition together or not.

They barely know anything about each other – hell, Caelus barely knew anything about himself – but at the core of it, he and Dan Heng have each other’s back.

Maybe…maybe that’s enough, for now.

“We should go to bed soon, you need to rest.”

Caelus is snapped from his own thoughts and looked at Dan Heng stripping off his coat and vestments. He felt warmth rise to his cheeks for some reason, but somehow, he knows that seeing someone strip down to their most comfortable clothes feels somehow intimate. Domestic, in a way that just simple friends aren’t.

He peeled off his coat and folded it over one of Dan Heng’s chairs. He strips most of his clothes, using his spatial inventory to instantaneously change into more comfortable sleeping clothes – something he’s discovered while staying at the hotels in Belobog – and approached the bed.

He doesn’t miss the way Dan Heng stiffened when he looked at him, so close with so little on, as he plopped himself down on his bed and breathing out a huge sigh. He felt more than saw Dan Heng relaxing, slowly settling himself down on his side of the bed.

“You’re fussing again,” Caelus smiled, teasingly.

“You took a stab wound to the chest, made a connection with Qlipoth, the Aeon of Preservation, and then battled it out with a Stellaron-possessed maniac – I hope you realize I am worrying about you a regular amount,” the man replied in a dry voice.

“I’m fine now. You should take a page out of March’s book – she’s definitely taken things in stride.”

“I’ve known March for a while now,” Dan Heng’s voice pitched low, “and just because she doesn’t appear to be worried doesn’t mean she doesn’t worry at all. You had passed out so many times during our stay in Jarilo-VI, snuck off when both of us were asleep to a Fragmentum-infested settlement, and done plenty of reckless things. March and I worry a lot, we just express it in different ways.”

Caelus doesn’t have an answer to that.

“I know. But I’ll be fine. I wish you didn’t worry so much.”

Even in the dark, he could make out Dan Heng’s pinched expression.

“…I’ll still worry. We’re...we’re friends, aren’t we?”

It’s a strange feeling, Caelus finds, to be saying to someone that they don’t need to worry. It feels familiar in his mouth, the way the words roll over his tongue like he’s said the exact same thing plenty of times before. But the way Dan Heng’s words fill his ears felt new, like he hadn’t heard it before.

“We’re friends, aren’t we?”

He realizes he likes it, but it could be more too. Maybe. Maybe?

“Yeah. We’re friends.”

Dan Heng’s lips curve upward, a small private smile meant for just the two of them.

It’s so little a reaction; it feels like an achievement.

“Good night, Dan Heng.”

“Good night, Caelus.”

~

When Caelus woke up, it’s to the feeling of warmth. It took him a moment to recall where he was, and when he does, he looked down to see himself with a mouthful of black hair. It doesn’t take much to understand his position.

He felt Dan Heng’s soft breathing curl upon his breastbone, warm and soft, comfortable and at peace. His strong arms went around Caelus’ torso, trapping him in an embrace that would be hard to escape from without waking the other. Their legs were tangled, seeking warmth away from the sheets they have subconsciously shucked off the night before.

This time, he took in the smell of wood and steel, the warmth of a body settling next to him. He commits to memory the warm breaths puffing at his neck, the feeling of solid trust of being in someone’s arms.

Caelus decided to hug him back. He closed his eyes, and falls back to sleep.

~

When he felt a presence shift above him, he wakes up ready.

The first thing Caelus sees is lips. He felt more than saw the pair of arms bracketing his chest, like arms separating from an embrace. He smells wood and steel, and sees wide green eyes above him. He registers the red face hovering inches above him, paralyzed from discovering he’s awake.

He sees Dan Heng’s lips, parted in surprise. His lips looked soft.

~

If asked, the second thing he remembers is meeting March 7^th and Dan Heng. It’s the story of how they met after all: Caelus, passed out in a random hallway on Herta’s Space Station, found by the two Astral Express members fighting the Antimatter Legion.

But if they were trying to pick at something specific, the exact memory of the second thing he remembers, it’s Dan Heng’s lips. He’s wondered about it all this time; what that CPR meant, and what Dan Heng was supposed to do before March shoved him out of the way. In a way, the second thing he remembers is Dan Heng’s warm breath inches from his lips, right before reality settled in and the three of them fell into their easy friendship.

He still wonders about it, the way he would look at Dan Heng’s lips and be contented with the small upward curves he gives, private smiles given like a secret.

~

He wonders about it now.

“Caelus, you’re awake,” Dan Heng’s voice was still rough with sleep. Caelus felt himself shiver. He’d like to hear more that voice. “Sorry about this, I’m just gonna –”

“Dan Heng,” in contrast, Caelus’ voice sounded breathless, “I don’t…understand much. Or know much. But this…you trust me right?”

“I do,” came his quick reply.

“And I trust you too,” Caelus replied back. “So…don’t stop here. I’m not imagining things…right?”

“…”

“…right?”

“…No.”

Caelus felt his hands climb around Dan Heng’s neck. “Then finish what you started.”

He sees Dan Heng’s eyes blow wide, knowing exactly what he’s talking about. “Have you always wondered about it?”

“I thought I was obvious about it.”

He felt Dan Heng chuckle above him. “Yeah?”

“I’m a little breathless at the moment,” Caelus tried to joke, “maybe you could give me a hand?”

Dan Heng’s lips curve upward, a small amused smile meant for just the two of them.

It’s so little a reaction –

And then Caelus forgets to breathe, and feels warm lips meet his. He feels his own lips slant upwards, and smiles into the kiss.

~

Now this. This feels like an achievement.

~

When Caelus moves into his new room that day, it’s outfitted with the basics: a bed, a desk table and chair, and a closet. There isn’t much inside, but Himeko has enthusiastically given him free reign to decorate his space as he sees fit.

There is of course, some personal décor on his desk already.

March had printed and framed a few pictures of him from Jarilo-VI – him with Natasha, The Moles, and selfies and group shots with newfound friends. There’s even a group shot when Caelus first boarded the Express: him, March, Dan Heng, Himeko, Welt, and Pompom smiling for the camera.

But Caelus’ favorite is this: it’s a picture of him and Dan Heng, his arms around the black haired man. He looks so happy in the picture, so unlike the empty man he first believed himself to be, and beside him was a flustered looking Dan Heng, completely red in the face, but still smiling softly for posterity.

He doesn’t know what kind of future he’s heading towards, but he knows, no matter what else he remembers, or doesn’t remember, this is a choice he won’t regret.

He doesn’t know much, but he knows how right this feels.