Work Text:
he looked back at the man that has once made him the happiest person to have ever walked teyvat, and he felt..
nothing.
there used to be such a strong pull towards the other whenever they were close. he'd run up to him, nearly tackling him to the ground. that's how excited he used to get.
now? nothing.
he felt like leaving the room whenever the younger entered, he wanted to run away whenever he got too close to him, he longed, ached to leave the other man, yet he couldn't bring himself to do it.
the worst part? he's been feeling this way for quite some time now. and lying to the other made him feel as guilty as ever. alhaitham didn't deserve this. he deserved so much better than their broken one-sided relationship.
he remembered how he used to braid the younger's hair even though he didn't quite like that. he'd let him just because it's kaveh. and kaveh was well aware of that fact, which made it hurt even more.
but less than having to braid the man's hair again.
alhaitham would leave over night pretty often. they would be in different cities, in different beds when the younger would send a simple "i love you" before going to sleep.
i love you kaveh sent back, not sure if he was trying to convince himself or alhaitham.
there was a weird pang near his heart as he pathetically slowly spelt the three stupid words. he didn't believe the phrase. not under these circumstances. not when they're aimed at him.
going to sleep without telling the other just felt.. easier. he could always blame it on being "too exhausted" or simply forgetting. forgetting to say he loved him when in reality, he just didn't feel right saying it.
canceling plans came naturally with alhaitham. seeing his face just reminded him of the deep hole in his heart where all the love for the other used to be stored. there was nothing now and the more time they spent together, the more hollow it became.
they used to have picnics near gandharva ville. they'd bring all kinds of fruits and food and drinks and sweets and-
alhaitham would read and kaveh would draw. he would draw the man he loved so deeply.
now he drew the scenery as he couldn't bring himself to draw the man he now despised so much.
he couldn't look at zaytun peaches without getting reminded of these picnics, neither could he bring himself to eat them. they would always go bad whenever alhaitham bought any for the two of them.
alhaitham would buy kaveh new art supplies. new make-up, new clothes, he'd make him food and make sure he drank enough by simply placing a glass of water on his desk while he worked hard.
he thanked as alhaitham bought him more and more gifts, saying he would buy him something in return but couldn't afford it at the moment. he watched as the younger faked a smile while telling him it's okay. or maybe it wasn't a fake smile, kaveh just desperately wanted alhaitham to hurt so he wouldn't have to be the one to break it off.
kaveh started going to sleep early so as to avoid the other when he got home in the evening.
one day, though, alhaitham came home earlier than usual.
kaveh stood in their living room, wide-eyed, staring at his boyfriend.
"alhaitham." he said. his voice was as cold as ice and as piercing as shards. he could feel the pain of it in himself and see it on alhaitham.
he used to call him stupid pet names which progressively got worse, going from babe to raw cookie dough real quick.
alhaitham.
what happened?
"kaveh."
"you're home early."
"you're awake."
they stood there in silence. the senior was well aware that this was all his fault. he never meant to hurt alhaitham or himself.
"i am."
more silence. silence silence silence, it was almost defeaning.
"we should talk."
surprisingly it wasn't kaveh who said it.
amber eyes met teal ones.
tears.
there were real tears in the younger's eyes. kaveh has never seen him cry before and knowing it was his doing made him feel awful.
"are you trying to break up with me?" the younger tried to compose himself as his voice shook.
and kaveh couldn't lie to him any longer. he couldn't lie to himself any longer. it was now or never.
"yes."
"fuck, okay." alhaitham blinked rapidly, probably trying to hold back tears.
kaveh just hugged himself, not sure what to do.
"did i.. did i do something?"
"no. no, ham, it's all me. i'm so sorry, i never meant for any of this to happen." now he was crying too. great. "you're a great boyfriend and- and anyone would be lucky to have you, i just- it can't be me, haitham. you deserve better than me and i deserve.. someone else. please get yourself someone who can love you the way i can't."
the other man was staring at the ground, his shoulders shaking in spite of not making a single noise.
"where are you gonna stay?"
"a friend's. she said i can stay for however long i need."
"let me at least help you move your stuff-"
"i don't think that'll be necessary." he cut him off with such a sharp tone he damn near cut himself.
"i love you."
"i know. i'm sorry." he walked to his room to pack his things.
as soon as the main door closed behind kaveh and his stuff, as soon as haitham's eyes lay on the empty spaces that used to be filled by kaveh's belongings, he fell down to his knees.
his whole body was shaking with sobs as the scribe, who never once cried, shed tears the size of tennis balls and let out heartbreaking whimpers.
he couldn't believe it, it can't be happening.
he's gone.
he's gone and he's not coming back this time.