Chapter Text
Jon's internal downfall began in English class with a five hundred word essay.
The teacher had assigned them to write a self reflection piece titled, ‘Who I am.’ The goal was to focus, naturally, on the kind of person they wanted to be–their morals, goals, dreams etc.
At first Jon found the whole thing kind of hokey. The prompt sounded like something he would have been assigned in 7th grade. Not only that, it sounded like a beginning of the year 7th grade assignment–that’s how lame it was.
But when the teacher gave them ten minutes at the end of class to brainstorm, Jon found that in his particular situation, answering the prompt of ‘who I am’ was actually quite complicated.
He had taken out a piece of lined paper and wrote at the top:
I am Jonathan Kent: brother, son, and…
That was where he got stuck. A lot of people identified themselves by their occupation and Jon…had absolutely no idea what he wanted to do when he grew up.
As a kid, the question had been easy–a football player. Or if that didn’t work out, a football coach. But after everything that happened with the X-K…football was basically out of the question.
He was currently working at a grocery store and the firehouse, but if Jon was honest with himself, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to pursue either one of those careers.
Jon had also been into technology and mechanical stuff in the past, though not as much lately…maybe he could put that down as a career…
He shook his head. At the age of sixteen, trying to determine his occupation was just asking for trouble, especially when things were always changing for him.
Okay…so maybe he didn’t focus on what he wanted to be when he grew up…maybe he would focus on…identity. Yeah, that would be easier.
Jon had the pen poised over the paper before he stopped, rolled his eyes, and chided himself for coming up with another stupid idea.
Considering he had been struggling to establish his own identity since the day he was born, Jon figured he probably wasn’t confident to talk about it in an essay.
As a twin, discovering identity was a foundational part of growing up. Accepting the ways he and Jordan were similar but still trying to carve out a path of his own had been an ever growing process. Jon also had to discover his own personal likes, dislikes and that it was okay if the things he preferred were different than his brother.
Another part of growing up with Jordan was the fact that no matter how different they became…there were still people that would always lump them together as simply the ‘Kent Twins’. It was kind of hard for Jon to come up with his own personal identity when people regarded him and Jordan as basically the same person.
Maybe that was why they had gravitated towards such different things as they got older…because they desired to be different, and not be treated as the same person.
Even though football was a major part of his past and who he thought he was going to be, Jon was no longer that guy; football was not his future. So there was no point in focusing on that for his paper.
Jon tapped his pencil softly against his desk and continued to brainstorm. But thinking about his brother, and the ways they were different had brought one specific thing to the surface: the way that Jordan had Kryptonian powers, and he didn’t.
Sure, his dad had reminded Jon that he was just as Kryptonian as Jordan…but after his brother had developed powers…it was kind of hard to envision it that way. In fact, it was kind of hard to imagine how Jon fit into his family at all these days…
“Mr. Kent!”
“Huh?”
“The bell rang…you’re supposed to get to your next class,” said Mr. Myers, the English teacher.
“Oh…um yes sir, sorry,” Jack said, not realizing he lost track of time. “I was just thinking about the essay.”
“Well, maybe you need to think a little harder. You don’t have much written,” Mr. Myers noted, a slightly disapproving tone to his voice.
Jon sighed. “Yes, sir. I’ll get to work.” And before the teacher could make any more comments, Jon tossed the piece of paper and pencil in his bag and rushed out of the room.
In the hallway, Jon started walking towards...well, anywhere that wasn't Mr. Myer's classroom. Clearly, Jon was just waaaaaayy overthinking the assignment. If he could just chill out and focus on something else, maybe he would be able to relax and the words would come.
“Hey, Jon.”
He jumped in surprise. But it was just Sarah.
“You heading to lunch?”
“Yeah, sure,” he said, with what he hoped was a casual smile.
“So I know it sounds lame,” she began, as they continued down the hall, “but my dad got me this gig singing this weekend, and you should totally come.”
“Oh cool. You’re really getting into this singing thing, aren’t you.”
“Well, I’ve always been interested in singing,” Sarah answered with a shrug. “I may have not always been performing…but being a singer is kind of who I am.”
Jon’s breath caught in his throat. Sarah had no way of knowing that those were the exact words driving him crazy. Of course she didn’t. Sarah knew who she was.
“Hey guys,” Natalie piped up, with Jordan trailing close behind–they were in the same math class together. “I hope they have something good in the cafeteria today.”
“Yeah, don’t hold your breath,” Sarah muttered.
Even though the others were already fully invested in a conversation about lunch, Jon was still shaken by the arrival of Jordan and Natalie.
Jordan had struggled to find his purpose most of his life, training to become a superhero had definitely been a good direction for him. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he had a clear vision of the future and knew who he wanted to be.
Then there was Natalie: a sister, partner in crime, and all around badass. The girl was amazing with a wrench and a blowtorch. She was basically a genius and Jon had no doubt that wherever her brilliant mind took her, she would kill it.
Their friend group was truly an incredible display of different skills and overall talent: the singer, the hero, the engineer…and whatever the hell Jon was.
Everyone else was amazing, and Jon was just… there.
“Jon? Hello? Are you listening,” Jordan asked, snapping his fingers in front of his brother's face a couple of times.
“Huh? What?”
Jordan sighed and crossed his arms, mildly annoyed. “We’re going to lunch. Are you coming?”
“Ummm…”
And suddenly, all Jon could hear was the mantra he had created to describe his friend group, and inserted what he deemed to be suitable words for himself.
The singer, the hero, the engineer…and the loser.
The singer, the hero, the engineer…and the weakling .
The singer, the hero, the engineer…and the disgrace.
The singer, the hero, the engineer…and… the nobody…the nobody…the nobody…
“Jonathan!”
“Yeah?”
“Dude, why do you keep checking out like that,” Jordan asked, his voice impatient and loved with a tiny bit of concern.
“Ohh…um…”
The nobody…the nobody…
“I just have this assignment I need to work on.”
“Okay, well, let’s get some lunch, maybe it will help you think better.”
“Actually, you guys go ahead. I'm probably going to head to the library.”
“But what about lunch? You have to eat,” insisted Jordan, alarmed at the thought of his brother skipping a meal.
The nobody…the nobody…
“I’ll just grab something in the vending machine. Catch you guys later.”
Within a few seconds, Jon had disappeared into the crowd of students. “Hmm, that was weird,” commented Natalie.
“Yeah, usually he’s not that worried about assignments,” agreed Sarah. She turned to her friend. “Hey, Nat I was wondering if I could get your opinion on…”
Jordan tuned out his friends and glanced off in the direction his brother had gone. Nat had been right, the whole situation with his brother had been strange.
He couldn’t exactly put his finger on it…but something was definitely off.
~~~~~
Meanwhile, Jonathan had no intention of going to the library and was trying not to think about his assignment–which unfortunately was easier said than done. He ended up making his way into one of the men's bathrooms, just to get away from everyone for a few minutes.
Jon walked in and tossed his bookbag against the wall. He placed his hands on the side of the sink and began trying to breathe deeply and evenly.
This was ridiculous, he told himself. It was just a stupid five hundred word essay. The assignment wasn’t worth that many points and it wouldn’t have a big impact on his grade.
And yet…all the questions it had raised zipped around in Jon’s head like cars on a race track.
Everyone around him knew exactly who they were, not just his friends, but his family too. Lois was a world famous reporter and Clark was a superhero. Even his grandpa had his place with the DOD.
And Jon…was just grasping at straws…without anything substantial to hold on to.
He picked his head up and looked at his reflection. Jonathan Kent had never been a particularly vain kid, but he had always been comfortable in his own skin and happy with the way he looked.
But now…when he looked in the mirror…all Jon could see was conflict, unrest, and questions.
What was he good at…how did he fit into his family…did he still bring shame to the Kent name…did he have a future…just because he shared blood with his dad, was he even Kryptonian…and if he was, how could he be Kryptonian without powers…
Jon dropped his head again. It was painfully obvious that Jon didn’t have answers to any of these questions.
As a single tear dripped down Jon’s cheek, he realized one more agonizing and gut wrenching truth.
Jonathan Kent had no idea who he was.