Chapter Text
"I think we should stop seing each other."
*
"Yelling at the sky, Screaming at the world,
Baby, why'd you go away?"
*
It was strange how words could hurt so much and not feel real at the same time. Rain had been staring at his phone for hours now. He felt empty. He didn't know what to do anymore.
He tried calling but always got straight to voicemail. He tried to send texts but always got the same "message could not be delivered".
He drove to the garage and found it closed. It had never happened before. He looked for any indication but there was nothing.
He tried calling more but the result was still the same.
No answer.
No explanation.
Only these words: I think we should stop seing each other.
How long did he spend crying in front of the garage? He couldn't tell. At one point he was standing in front of the door and the next he was on the ground, crying, and the sun had set.
~ 1 ~ 5 days - At school ~
Holding on too tight, Head up in the clouds,
Heaven only knows, Where you are now.
*
Rain drew a line and another and another. Not thinking was the best thing to do. It had helped him keep going for the last 5 days. Rain didn't know when was his last meal or when was the last time he slept. Everything felt as if he was in the middle of some dream. He still hoped to wake up and realize it was a nightmare. He wanted to wake up and feel Phayu's arms around him; feel his warmth and comforting embrace.
"Rain, you going with us after the class?"
Rain didn't look away from his model, nodding at Sky's question. He was close to be done with his assignment
"Yes, just need to send a quick message to -"
He didn't finish his sentence. He remembered too late that he had no one to send this message to. Focus on your work, he told himself. His hands were shaking and he messed up the line he was drawing. He'd have to redo this design for the third time.
*
How do I love, How do I love again?
*
"Rain? You're okay?"
Rain looked up and smiled at Sky as he finished putting his pens in his bag and rolled up his designs. He could see his friend was worried but he was saying nothing.
"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I?"
"You've been... quiet and strangely focused these past days. Did something happen with P'Phayu?"
"He's just busy."
The lie felt heavy on his tongue but telling the truth to Sky would make everything feel real. It had been only a few days. Maybe it was just miscommunication? Maybe Phayu needed a few days away and would be back. Rain had to trust him.
Phayu loved him. He wouldn't leave him without a word.
*
How do I trust, How do I trust again?
*
They left the class and walked in silence. Rain froze a few steps away of a group of student speaking loudly in the main hall. They were all around a man. The only things they could see was dark hair and a familiar silhouette. Sky, not expecting the sudden stop, bumped into Rain. It took him out of his thoughts and the voice finally reached him.
It was not Phayu.
It was one of the senior of the economy program. He barely looked like Phayu but Rain wanted to see the other so much that for a few seconds he thought it was him.
"Rain?"
"It's nothing Sky. Just thought I saw someone."
They both knew what Rain was not saying. Who he thought he had seen. Rain didn't need to tell anything to Sky after this. The other had understood.
~2 ~ 12 days - In the street ~
I stay up all night, Tell myself I'm alright,
Baby, you're just harder to see than most.
*
The warmth of the night didn't help as much as he expected it but walking in the quiet streets helped. He had figured out that if he was unable to sleep in his empty bed he could walk the street and think. It was the only thing he was able to do. He didn't want to stay in his room and stare at every little things reminding him of Phayu. The empty streets were soothing.
*
I put the record on, Wait 'til I hear our song.
*
He thought music would help him but every song found a way to remind him of Phayu. Was it some notes or the words? It depended, but every little things was a way to remind him he was alone now. When he looked back there was no one smiling at him anymore. After class he didn't have to think if he was going to the garage or studying with Sky. There was only one answer.
No need to think.
Rain walked to the bench he had claimed as "his" and sat. He looked up, trying to see stars but couldn't. There was too many lights around him for this.
Phayu had told him they would go see the stars after the end of year. Another promise that would never happen.
*
Every night I'm dancing with your ghost
*
The sound of a bike driving past him made him open back his eyes. He's not sure exactly when he closed them. maybe he dozed off for a few minutes and the sudden noise woke him up. The blue of the bike caught his eyes.
For a moment Rain saw another bike, another person. The hope of seeing the bike slow down before turning around was strong. It had to be P'Phayu.
The bike didn't slow down or turned around.
It was not P'Phayu.
*
Never got the chance, To say a last goodbye
*
~ 3 ~ 61 days - The race ~
I gotta move on, But it hurts to try.
*
It was strange to go back to the race. Rain was expecting – and dreading – to see P'Phayu at every corner. The only reason he was here was Sky. He knew the other wanted to see Prapai race but didn't want to go alone. Sky didn't ask him to come, Rain proposed.
It had been two months the day before. Two months since he first read these eight little words. "I think we should stop seeing each other."
Two months and still no explanation or any sign of life.
Two months. Sixty-one days.
It was maybe time he tried to move on. He had to come to term with this: P'Phayu was gone.
*
How do I love, How do I love again?
*
Sixty-one days felt like an eternity.
Two months were nothing.
*
How do I trust, How do I trust again?
*
He was not ready to move on.
*
I stay up all night.
*
He was still not sleeping at night. He could see Sky getting more and more worried about it. His friend had even offered him to come live with him and Prapai for some time. He said no. He didn't want to be a burden.
*
Tell myself I'm alright
*
It was surprising to see how little changed about the race. Everything kept turning while he felt his own world had stopped. People recognized him and greeted him. No one asked about Phayu or why he was here by himself. He was grateful of this and sad at the same time. It looked like he was the only one trapped in the past while everyone around him kept going forward.
A movement on his left caught his attention. He knew this tent. He spent so many hours there, working on assignments or watching Phayu work on bikes. There was someone moving inside. Rain couldn't help the hope he felt. If there was one place Phayu could be, it was the race. This hope vanished as he saw a blond man step out. He seemed to be in the middle of his thirties and didn't look at all like Phayu.
"It's P'Mon. Khun Pakin hired him a few months ago." explained one of the girl Rain used to hang out with when Phayu was busy. She had noticed his lingering look on the tent Phayu used to work in.
She didn't need to explain more. Rain knew why the other had been hired. There was a time he had thought Phayu had left without an explanation because of his business with Pakin. Maybe it was the only way he had found to keep him safe? That thought had appeased something in him for some times. He was ready to accept it and forgive Phayu. It didn't last. Not when he finally found the courage to ask Prapai about it. If someone knew something about it, it would be him. Prapai had crushed the last sliver of hope Rain had.
Prapai didn't know where Phayu was.
It was not P'Phayu in this tent and it would never be again.
*
Baby, you're just harder to see than most.
~ 4 ~ 365 days - Anniversary
I put the record on, Wait 'til I hear our song.
*
It was their song. The first one Phayu sang to him. How happy he had been that day.
Rain knew he should stop listening to it. He was only hurting himself.
He couldn't let go.
*
Every night I'm dancing with your ghost.
*
One year.
*
Every night I'm dancing with your ghost.
*
He still had the reflex to look for Phayu but it was becoming less frequent. He feared the day he would stop looking behind his back, expecting the other to appear. He feared the day he would be unable to remember what Phayu's arm around him felt like. He was not ready to let him go.
Hope was a strange thing. It gave you so much strength but hurt as much when you realized it was just false hope.
The doorbell rang.
Rain looked up from his design, surprised. He didn't expect anyone today. His mother was away and Sky was gone with Prapai on a trip. At least his friend was happy.
Rain had planned to spend his day working on assignments and finishing some reading. He didn't expect anything from this day. He didn't want to think about this same day a year ago.
The doorbell rang again. Rain thought about not opening the door but what if it was Phayu. It had been a year. Maybe it was finally the day the other came back and explained why he left without a word. Rain had to know. Rain could forgive the other.
He stood up and walked to the door. He could see a silhouette behind the door but he had no way to know who was behind. He breathed in and opened the door.
He couldn't help hoping.
It was not Phayu.
*
How do I love How do I love again?
*
Hope was an illusion.
~ 5 ~ 822 days - Graduation
"You're ready Rain? We're going to be late!"
"I'm coming Sky!"
Rain looked around, trying to find where was his second shoe. Found it! he thought as his eyes stopped on a familiar glass case next to the shoe. Inside was the last thing from Phayu he couldn't get rid off. He tried, again and again, but he couldn't let go off the first item Phayu gave him before they even knew each other. It hurt to see it but it would hurt more to throw away that last proof of what they were.
*
How do I trust, How do I trust again?
*
"What are you doing after this?" Sky asked.
"Nothing."
"Nothing? What about Sig's party? I heard there was going to be lots of pretty boys there."
Sky was teasing him, pushing gently his shoulder as they walked to one of the biggest conference room.
"I'm not interested Sky. Already told you."
It was easier to say it now. There used to be a time he felt like he was betraying Phayu thinking about others. It was the time he was still waiting for the other. Rain liked to think he had moved on now.
"You shouldn't let him ruin everything Rain. You're allowed to live instead of staying in the past."
He didn't answer. It was not the first time Sky told him things like this.
Had he really moved on?
He couldn't tell it.
*
I stay up all night, Tell myself I'm alright.
*
"As usual some of our best students came back to wish the best of luck to our new graduates."
Rain couldn't help his heartbeat getting faster as he heard these words. He looked up and scanned the crowd. He could feel Sky's eyes on him but ignored him.
If Sky asked he would say he was looking for his mother, even if he knew she was in the first row on his left. This answer was better than the reality. He was still looking for someone who didn't care about him.
P'Phayu was not here. He hadn't been for two years and three months.
*
Baby, you're just harder to see than most
~ + 1 ~ 5 years and 2 months - Work
I put the record on, Wait 'til I hear our song
*
That song again. Rain sighed and changed the radio station. There was a time he would have listened to this song. A time he needed all the crumbs of what he used to have with Phayu. A time he was still looking for him at every steps. Every breath he took was some kind of scream for Phayu at that time. His head was filled with this name and only this one.
That time was no more.
He was done hurting because of a ghost.
Phayu was just a name now. Someone he used to know. Someone he still loved but finally made up his mind about.
Rain parked his car at his assigned place and stopped the car. It was one of the perk of his new job. Another one was being able to work with Sky. He still couldn't believe they ended up working at the same firm.
He was already thinking about the next project, not really looking where he was going. After one year walking these corridors everyday he knew them and it was still early so almost no risk to run into someone. He was not expecting to bump into a firm body as soon as he had this thought. Strong arms helped him stay up instead of crashing head first on the floor. He started to apologize when he looked up and the words died in his throat. This dark hair, the eyes... this handsome face. There was no doubt about who was standing in front of him.
*
Every night I'm dancing with your ghost.
*
It was P'Phayu.
*
Rain didn't know what to think. They were both frozen, not expecting to see the other. For a moment he thought about moving past the other, do as if he didn't recognize him but he couldn't. All the memories he had tried so hard to push away were coming back. All the little things that were just him and Phayu. Their first meeting, the codeline, the race. It was the start of everything.
It was the time he thought they would stay together forever. First love hit differently. The novelty of everything someone else could offer you was the sweetest thing. At least that's what Rain used to think.
And then there was the text that ended everything. These eight words that changed everything for him.
I think we should stop seing each other.
Rain had tried to go to the garage after, thinking it was a mistake. It had to be. He had found no one at the garage. Only a closed sign and then, a few weeks later, a "Sold" sign.
Phayu broke his heart and took the pieces with him when he disappeared.
*
Every night I'm dancing with your ghost
*
It had been five years and two months.
"Hello Rain."
How were you supposed to react when a ghost of your past came crashing back in your life?
"You look good."
Rain didn't move. Phayu was talking but he didn't care about the words. All he could think about was how the other looked. It felt like no time had passed since the last time they saw each other. It also felt like an eternity. Rain had thought about this so many time. He had spent sleepless nights thinking about meeting Phayu while walking in the street or at the market. He had imagined so many ways he could react. None of these scenarii mattered at the moment. He felt empty.
He thought he would be angry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry and curl on the floor. He also wanted to ask why? What did he do wrong? What should have he done to make the other stay or at least give an explanation? Everything would have been better than what happened. This message and then the silence; the silence and trying to find any sign of Phayu around him; finding nothing.
He wanted to be angry but the only thing he felt now was acceptance. There were things he couldn't control. He had finally understood this. No matter what he would have said, Phayu would have left him. Maybe it would have taken more time but the result would have been the same at the end.
*
Every night I'm dancing with your ghost
*
"I'm sorry. I think you take me for someone else," Rain said before he walked away without looking back to see the other's reaction. He kept walking even when he heard Phayu call his name. It was too late for this.
He was done chasing a ghost.