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undeniably, rui has not had much experience in the field of physical contact.
it wasn’t a topic he’d think about often, and it never bothered him all that much.
until, it became a problem when his fingertips itched when they weren’t in some form of contact with the tsukasa’s skin, always yearning to press soft kisses and touches over whatever part of him he could reach. it became a bigger problem when neither the time, their location, nor any present company had ever caused him to stray his mind away from the need to be affectionate, wanting only to show his appreciation for the boy, and thinking about nothing aside from doing just that. wanting to be so close to somebody was terrifying to him.
whether it be the accidental touch of their arms or a warm pat on the shoulder, or friendly hugs, or long embraces when one of them needed the support, rui’s lip would curl upwards at the touch. he’d then be met with that impossibly euphoric giddy feeling, while he could only stare up at the ceiling in order to get all the heat off of his face. of course, it doesn’t work.
today, the sun has said its goodbyes over the horizon as the sky turns into a beautiful hue of orange and red. practice is almost over by now.
spotlights over him and his troupe mates, the music and the sounds of their voices, it was the wonder of performing on stage. as he’s unable to tear his eyes off of the star dancing before him, he wonders what it would be like to hold tsukasa’s hand.
would they be warm, or would they be smaller than his? how tightly would he hold his hand back? how long would he allow rui to indulge in the act of holding hands? he finds it to be a stupid train of thought, perhaps even wishful thinking to him, but it's one he unknowingly returns to when he leasts expects it. like when they're sitting next to each other during lunch, or even when he’s trying to blow up another part of the school with him, as bad as it sounded. he found tsukasa to look adorable with slightly frizzy hair.
they’re barely centimetres apart now, tsukasa, the sound of his shoes tapping on the floor beneath them, as he leaned towards rui’s direction for the choreography. from his peripheral vision, the rest of his troupe were also dancing away to the blasting music too, but things feel quiet when his eyes turn to lock on tsukasa again. he’s too wrapped up in his own thoughts to actually remember his dance moves, and he's pretty sure nene has noticed by now. he’d have to make up an excuse on the way home later.
rui’s eyes dart back to the graceful movement of tsukasa’s hands, and he’s still shamelessly thinking about what it would be like to hold hands with him.
it’s stupid. it’s ridiculous. they’re just friends, troupe mates. maybe the more-than-occasional detention buddies, but isn't anything else between them. they’re just friends.
oh, but the thought of holding tsukasa’s hands in his was something he couldn’t stop himself from, and it felt painfully immoral. how could he be so selfish, to think of him in such a romantic light, to even imagine tsukasa’s hand, smaller than his, holding his hand back? surely, it was wicked to even have such thoughts.
though, if they did, would tsukasa hold his hand back? or would he simply let rui carefully grasp them? would he say anything after? even so, would something like that even make a difference, all factors into play? holding tsukasa’s hand was holding tsukasa’s hand, after all.
no, not like he's going to find out, anyway. they’re just friends. and not the kind of friends that hold hands for fun. he’s never seen tsukasa holding anybody’s hand, not even his sister’s, so as his friend, rui wouldn’t be able to hold his either. besides, he wants to hold tsukasa’s hand in a friends kind of way, obviously—,
he stops.
tsukasa’s leg has caught on one of the stage’s props. he’s about to fall.
perhaps by instinct, or by chance, rui’s hand weaves its way into tsukasa’s, and tsukasa doesn’t fall.
everything slows. nene and emu are by their sides now, the sounds of their voices checking up on him, with nene chiding him about being so careless and emu panicking over his safety.
however, the sounds felt so far away. rui’s eyes are fixed on their intertwined hands. his body feels akin to being set on fire.
“we should take a break,” nene’s voice is finally clear in his ears now, now being hypersensitive to his surroundings. “before he pulls something so careless like that again.”
he wonders what tsukasa’s hand would feel like, if he weren’t wearing his damned gloves. suddenly, his gloves seemed to be such an inconvenience.
“okay, okay!” tsukasa sighs in defeat as the pair turn around to head backstage, leaving just the both of them, on stage, still holding hands, skin on glove. this was awkward. rui had to say something before tsukasa let go of his hand.
“..i’m glad you didn’t fall.”
“w-well thank you! it would be unbecoming of a star like me to fall over on stage, after all!” tsukasa even poses — with his free hand, to sell his faux confidence. but it was to no avail. the bright red on his face clearly overpowered any of his attempts to convince rui otherwise.
still, rui watches the way he posed so smoothly, unbothered by his lie. he knew he had embarrassed him in a way, but not in a bad way, since he had just saved him from a fall. still, he simply couldn’t quite place his finger on how so.
silence takes over their conversation shortly after, except for the soft chattering of emu and nene backstage. rui looks down at his hand, still intertwined with tsukasa’s. he makes a realisation. his hand was well-groomed, fingernails neatly cut short, perhaps even glossy if he could get a better look up close. another one of tsukasa’s cute habits, taking care of his hands, rui unknowingly smiles to himself.
tsukasa’s eyes widen a little as his eyes dart back to the situation quite literally at hand. “..rui! our hands—..” he pauses, yanking his hand away. rui watches every movement tsukasa makes with great interest. the way his face almost glowed with its intensity in red, or the way he seemed more jittery at such a simple touch of their hands. “uh, shoot—, sorry, i should’ve taken my hand back sooner!” he stammers, horrified at rui’s lack of a reaction. “i apologise if it made you uncomfortable.”
when he pulls away, it feels rather empty.
“it is quite alright, tsukasa-kun,” it takes everything in rui to not reach for the star’s hand again. “on the contrary, i find the warmth of your hand.. comforting.”
then, tsukasa did the most tsukasa-like thing he could have ever done in that situation, by looking at his hand that had been in rui’s second earlier, then look back up at rui, and laugh. a pure, rich laugh of happiness so genuine rui couldn’t even doubt it for a second.
rui could feel the time stopping around them. the raw joy in his laugh, how happy he looked from his words. it was impossible to question whether or not he truly meant it. he felt the familiar feeling of his heart swelling around tsukasa, giddying and light.
“my hand is warm..?” tsukasa flashes him a smile so bright it could’ve made rui close his eyes from the sheer impact. ‘i’m glad it wasn’t awkward then!”
oh, he’d do anything to hold his hand once more.
——
a shadow of the ghost hangs behind the unknowing woman, slowly approaching as she went about her day idly. the pace of music quickens, and her screams are drowned out by tsukasa’s as he yells in more terror than her. tonight will be the second time they’ve held hands.
“i want to pick the movie tonight!” was how they got to that predicament in the first place. “i want the one with the cutest cover.” emu happily scrolls through the list of available movies, until she stops on one with a pink, cheerful cover.
it was a pink, cheerful cover of a horror movie.
now, although sleepovers with the troupe often ended in watching a movie before bed, with nene picking out a decently good one, this was the opposite of something that would send anybody into slumber. but emu had picked it out, and nobody in the room had the heart to tell her that the ghost that floated around was not a friendly one. and neither was tsukasa going to defy nene’s death glare as he cried out in protest.
even rui himself feels his heartbeat quicken when the ghost eventually reaches the woman to grab at her, but not as terrified as the boy next to him. tsukasa is trembling by now, yelling out incoherent words at anything that looked out of the ordinary to his frazzled mind. although amusing, rui felt bad for him too.
suddenly, the music grows extremely loud and a hand grabs onto his.
the ghost herself? a demon? he finds that it’s tsukasa that is no holding his hand.
..what was he supposed to do in such a situation?
tsukasa, the tsukasa he had a crush on, is holding his hand. voluntarily. he’s clutching onto his hand in a way that rui wouldn’t even be able to squirm out of if he tried, not that he wanted to. oh goodness, tsukasa had grabbed his hand, and his skin felt lovely. rui is met with the familiar burn of his cheeks and the spin of his head trying to process all the emotions that rush through him. how should he hold his hand back? tsukasa had his hand over rui’s, so if rui’d just flip his hand..
okay, he had to calm down. focus back on the movie in front of him.
not even seconds after, the screen flashes another jumpscare. the pure terror on tsukasa’s face is enough to make him feel bad, even if it was hilarious to watch his reactions. he should do something about it, he sighs, closing his eyes and silently preparing himself.
inhaling sharply, rui had to clench his fist in his free hand, swallow the rest of his shame, and take a deep breath to stop his own shaking before flipping his hand over to carefully run his thumb over tsukasa’s. tsukasa notices. and then he intertwines his fingers further through the gaps to rui’s surprise.
there was a certain strength in rui’s grip. it was something tsukasa could focus on, away from the movie. it was stable. It was reliable. it was warm. he felt safe holding on.
..focusing on the movie for either of them was completely out of the question now.
tsukasa continued to keep his eyes on their hands as rui stared blankly at ahead, trying to keep the remains of his composure before they left his body. he thought it was nice. it felt nice. oh god, it felt more than nice. but, this couldn’t be normal, right? he hadn’t had a lot of friends before, none like tsukasa and nobody felt as close as him. he hadn’t even touched a friend for longer than five seconds before. but, friends held hands sometimes, right?
he’s sent into overdrive when tsukasa’s hand eventually relaxes in his, the grip on his hand loosening. yet, tsukasa still doesn't let go.
“tsukasa-kun!” emu wails, finally turning around to face the two of them on the sofa. “let’s change the movie, i’m getting scared too..”
he practically jumps out of rui’s hand. “why, i was never scared! a star is always brave!” he gets right into a pose, looking all high and mighty like the brave star he was. if rui squinted, he could still see him still shivering in fear. “you’re pale,” nene says what he’s thinking.
“..i’m just dehydrated! so i will go get some water for myself! feel free to change the movie while i’m gone.” he runs off into the kitchen with wobbly knees.
it felt colder, with tsukasa’s hand leaving its spot. he found himself longing for that warmth with something more desperate within him, and oh no, rui had done it again. he got to hold tsukasa’s hand. tsukasa had actually held his hand instinctually.
without his own knowledge, rui suddenly feels his own hand over the other, the same way tsukasa rested his hand in his previously, trying to recreate the essence of a memory. he stops himself. he’s being weird, he mumbles rather abruptly, and tries to redirect his thoughts to something else, anything else. it was weird, he was being weird. stop reading so much into a normal, friend interaction. he was just scared, nothing more.
he averts his attention back to the screen before him, the television now showing emu flicking through another series of movies in order to pick a less fear inducing one. emu’s wrapped up in a blanket before him, eyes glued onto the screen, with her bare face bathed in the blue hues of nene’s television screen.
“in my living room, really?” nene lands on the couch next to him with a soft thump. rui, startled, stares at her, wide-eyed and confused, as she leans back slightly, looking unamused and even slightly annoyed.
“you, holding tsukasa’s hand,” nene scoffs, looking accusingly at him before turning her head towards the kitchen’s direction, where tsukasa was off getting his water. “i saw everything.”
rui has never been more relieved in his life, that tsukasa appears to be too busy with shuffling around in nene’s kitchen to be within earshot of their uncomfortable conversation. “..so you have.”
nene hums. “i’m surprised he made a move first.”
“huh, wait, not—, ..it’s not in that way,” rui gapes at her, followed by his hopeful heartbeat foolishly picking up its pace anyway. “he was just scared, and i wanted to comfort him, a normal exchange between friends—!” he’s trying to keep his voice low, even as she cuts him off with another scoff. worst of all, nene seemed more amused than annoyed, laughing freely at his trainwreck of a situation. but, truly, it's not like that, is it? tsukasa just needed something to hold onto while he was scared, and rui’s hand just happened to be conveniently there.
“yeah, and he had three pillows at his disposal to grab, yet he chose you out of instinct,” nene shrugs, as if she were replying to his thoughts. “you sound like you’re trying to convince yourself more than if you were trying to convince me.”
“nene, like i said, it’s not like that.”
“okay,” nene says, sarcasm dripping off her tongue as she speaks.
“..go back to your original spot, tsukasa-kun will be back soon.”
nene doesn't dignify him with a response, and instead narrows her eyes at him before getting up, as if she knew he wanted tsukasa to sit beside him instead. he’s thankful for her kind mercy.
it's not like that, is it? he’s sure tsukasa wouldn't even think about him in that way. nene is just messing with him, getting to his head. she had to be. tsukasa probably didn’t see the pillows around him when he got scared, that’s all. plus, friends can hold each other’s hands for comfort.
but to crave for more wasn’t very friend-like of him, a nene-like voice drawls in his head.
“rui! i got water for you too,” tsukasa’s voice cuts his inner monologue short.
rui looks up from the ground for a moment, flicking his gaze over to where tsukasa’s standing, and discovers that he’s looking at him, with a bright smile and a glass for him in hand. he looked adorable, even though the only light illuminating his face in the dark room was from the television light somewhere unimportant, somewhere behind him. receiving the water with a thankful nod, rui undoubtedly gets the urge to hold his hand again.
he wasn’t sleeping properly tonight.
——
their third encounter with each other’s hands.
train rides home after practices were not uncommon for rui and tsukasa. although it took rui longer to reach home this way, he’d been doing it more often anyway, as long as it meant more one-on-one time with the star.
today was no different. behind them, the setting sun has created a beautiful mirage of orange, as the beautiful view marked the nearing end of their ride home. it was almost the unfortunate time for rui to alight, leaving tsukasa alone for the rest of his train ride.
suddenly, he feels something warm on top of his hand.
blinking blankly at the sight beneath him, it stayed quiet for a few moments. “your hand was turning blue,” the warmth mumbles.
tsukasa’s hand was over his own, squeezing it so tightly like he’d turn to frost if tsukasa let go. when the severity of the situation finally hits, rui’s eyebrows shoot up, his eyes widening in surprise. tsukasa only stared back at him, shrugging his shoulders as if it was the most casual thing in the world to randomly hold your friend’s hand, just because it looked cold. the apparent dust of red on his face told rui otherwise.
rui’s expression fades into a softer one and he gazes into tsukasa’s eyes, off in his own world.
at this, tsukasa groans, turning away from him. “what a way to say thank you to a star’s kind act,” he scoffs with his cheeks flushed and words mumbled in a hurried manner. rui is only able to stare in response, frozen.
“..don’t look at me like that..! you were going to freeze under the air conditioning, so i’m warming your hands up,” tsukasa explained, taking both of rui’s hands now and cupping them gently as he rubbed at them at a slow pace.
“r-right..” rui’s voice trails off as he stares at their hands in awe. what was happening here?
having received his approval, tsukasa gives him a reassuring smile and gets right to work, using his much hotter hands to warm up different parts of rui’s. given that the air conditioner was blasting at full speed, he isn’t too surprised that his body became cold with their seats right underneath. the warmth tsukasa provided him felt akin to a furnace.
his own cheeks were a rosy pink too, which was normal for this type of weather, but he’s part of it might have been a little pinker than usual because of a realisation — that tsukasa’s hand was slightly smaller than his. perhaps a good difference of two centimetres, a small one but every bit as valuable to him.
“your hands.. they’re are smaller than mine,” rui wordlessly mutters. it’s adorable.
tsukasa freezes. “..hey—! i hope you know that i’m not that much shorter!” he hisses with gritted teeth, with what could only be described as a pout becoming apparent on his face, followed by another soft huff escaping him.
even the way he became tongue-tied and flustered was cute, proving rui’s point entirely. it is a blessing that he doesn’t know rui’s eyes are flickering over to his lips to focus on how his breathing is slightly more erratic than usual and how his lips rest at a soft pout, subtle but cute nonetheless.
behind them, the sky burns a deep reddish orange that rivals rui’s face. the usual of an overwhelming warmth in the pit of his stomach that is unmistakingly because the prettiest boy he knows is holding his hand so carefully, and it strook such a match it lights a fire that makes the frigid air around him warm. and not warm just because of tsukasa’s hand alone.
oh god, it finally sets in, rui thinks. they’re really holding hands. like a couple would.
“rui,” tsukasa whispers. “your stop is next.”
he finds that familiar pit in the stomach of dread again as he stares at tsukasa’s fingers against his — he doesn’t want to let go just yet.
when rui’s gaze drifts from their hands, he looks up to find tsukasa staring into his eyes with a look that he couldn’t read; followed by a panic that tsukasa is slowly but surely closing in on the distance between them. his grip on rui tightens, but not enough to even deter him in the slightest. there was nothing tsukasa could do that would deter him.
met with desperation, their lips do not meet on that train carriage in the most elegant manner, nor does rui respond as gracefully as he would’ve imagined to tsukasa’s initiation, but it still snatches away the air from his lungs and makes his head feel ever so lightweight. it’s the exhilaration of squeezing tsukasa’s hand back with the same amount of rashness, and having their lips finally touch.
as if a force has struck, rui’s hands are at the small of tsukasa’s back now, in hopes that it will bring forth to tsukasa all the yearning he’s held in for so long, all in this one soft kiss on the train.
throughout their kiss, tsukasa’s hand never lets go of his.
when tsukasa pulls away, rui notes that his eyes are half-lidded and the expression looks so heavy with emotion, holding in a waterfall of unspoken words and thoughts he didn’t have the air oxygen say. rui’s own face is warm and it feels as though his mouth has gone absolutely dry, having to stop himself from moving in for another kiss. instead, he settles on squeezing tsukasa’s hand tenderly.
“..h-hey—! you just missed your stop!” tsukasa’s grip on his hand tightens, but not with the same sort of gentleness from before. he’s looking at rui with a quizzical kind of glare that can only draw a deep laugh from within rui’s chest, light and free.
“you’re the one who distracted me from alighting,” rui smiles. “hm, i’d even say you didn’t want me to leave.”
“..as if! good luck catching a train in time at this hour!”
rui rests his head on tsukasa’s shoulder. “i don’t think i’ll need to.”
that night, rui stays over at the tenma residence.
——
the fourth time.
“—rui!”
tsukasa yells from across the pavement, running towards his new boyfriend, enveloping in a warm hug and resting his head on the crook of the other’s neck. it was always was rather uncomfortable for tsukasa due to their height difference, having to tip-toe in order to slot his head in comfortably, not that neither of them minded. tsukasa seemed to be radiating so much happiness today, beaming with the thought of going on his first date with him, so much that he hadn’t payed mind to the passerby’s around them on the pavement, at least until he realised rui had been staring when he pulls his head up.
rui’s lips had tilted upward in a fond smile, and much to tsukasa’s relief, he didn’t seem too anxious to have hugged in front of a crowd. if anything, he had even blushed a little.
“tsukasa-kun,” rui sings back sweetly.
“sorry if i kept you waiting,” tsukasa sighs, “saki wanted to style my outfit for me!” he does a spin around to show off his outfit. he looked very proud.
rui shakes his head. “no, i’m simply early. and you look wonderful, my star.”
tsukasa smiles back at him, picks up his hand, and downright grins when rui’s eyes widen because he’s taken aback. as unfair as could be, he slips his fingers into the crevices of rui’s own without warning, with the same bright grin.
those soft ministrations of tsukasa’s hand settling into his felt nothing short of heavenly, coaxing that giddy feeling out of him in the way that nobody else but tsukasa could.
“we should’ve done this sooner,” rui unknowingly whispers, lowering his gaze to focus on their entwined hands.
“..what?” tsukasa mumbles, voice quiet, staring at their hands too, his body feeling as warm as the warmth rui held in his stare. it’s the first time they’ve actually held hands as an actual couple, and rui loved every bit of it.
their exchange somes to a stop as tsukasa’s attention fixes on the sight between them, looking mesmerised while rui’s attention is on the star before him instead. “tsukasa-kun, i like the way your hand fits in mine,” rui finally says.
rui also likes the way tsukasa’s face turns warm from his sudden remark.
by now, tsukasa’s sure his hand is too hot and sweaty for comfort. he wants to retract his hand away badly, but doesn't have the heart to do so. not when rui is smiling at him as if his whole world is within his one hand, and it makes him want to believe maybe that it really is.
“y-you’re lying! my hand is all gross and sweaty right now,” tsukasa huffs, earning a soft giggle from his partner. however, sweaty hands do not deter rui at all. instead, he holds tsukasa’s hand tighter, and when he even has it in him to raise their intertwined hands to give his knuckles a chaste kiss, tsukasa can't process any words to retort.
“now, that doesn’t matter, tsukasa-kun,” rui’s smile right after makes tsukasa feel even more lightheaded than he already was.
“it’s that it’s your hand.”
double knockout!
“..you—!” tsukasa’s grip looses on rui’s hand. “are you really trying to kill me so soon? we’re only on our first date!”
now it’s rui’s turn to go red as he struggles to maintain the upper hand. “are you saying you’d like to go on more dates with me?”
"ha! at least i don’t look like a tomato right now,” tsukasa giggles.
“now, that’s rather hypocritical of you now, my star,” rui laughs along with him, feeling his heart swell at how tsukasa looked very much so at ease. at ease around him.
and he was proven right once again as tsukasa gives his hand a squeeze, tilting his head to look up at him, regarding him with that warm air of amusement around them. next, rui feels a gush of air sweep up his sleeve as tsukasa lifts their hands into the blue morning sky, akin to celebrating a well-earned victory.
“with that aside, let us embark on our first date ever! and to many more!” he heartily laughs.
rui gives the smaller hand in his one last smile.
“i have no doubt about that.”