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"Alright, Tracey!" Phil says, grinning directly into camera three, "Are you ready to see your new look?"
The middle aged woman in front of him takes a deep breath, smiles, and nods firmly, setting her shoulders in a way that Phil has seen countless times since the first episode of About-Face two years ago. When Tracey had come in at the beginning of the week, she had been swathed in oversized sweatsuits and the tightest bun Phil had ever seen, but the wardrobe department of Tony and Steve, hair by Thor, and makeup by the incomparable Clint Barton had transformed her into nothing short of a bombshell. Add to that three sessions with their psychiatrist Dr. Banner and Tracey is ready to re-enter the dating world; part two of the official About-Face method. But first, the reveal.
Phil nods to the tech booth and a three-sided mirror slowly lowers from the ceiling to surround Tracey where she stands, carefully positioned on the small red dot painted on the floor. When the mirrors are properly positioned, Tracey is finally allowed to turn around and see the results of three days of hard work.
Predictably she cries, but Phil is right there with a hug and a shoulder and a few carefully chosen platitudes until she pieces herself back together and they go to commercial break.
Tracey is bustled off by the back-stage makeup artists to begin painstakingly fixing anything that was undone in time for the next segment, and Phil gets a new suit jacket to replace his now-damp one.
Phil is sitting in one of the armchairs on set, feet unconsciously propped up on the low table in front of him when a styrofoam cup enters his vision from the left. Phil's eyes follow the hand the cup is held in, up the (tan, muscular) arm to the man it's attached to.
"Kind of makes me regret spending so much time on her eyeliner." Clint muses by way of a greeting, "You look like you need a coffee." He adds, holding the cup out further.
Phil attempts to take the coffee at the same time as he self-consciously tries to take his feet off the table in front of him, with the result that he spills half of the coffee down his (pristine, white) shirt, and the other half down the front of Clint's pants.
To his credit, Clint doesn't yell, despite the scalding temperature of the coffee and its proximity to certain sensitive parts of his anatomy, but his face does an odd sort of squirm and he turns around and hurries off set without another word.
Phil unbuttons his shirt, peeling it from the now bright pink skin of his chest as he heads off set in the other direction.
"Smooth." Natasha informs him as she herds Tracey's prospective dates into place, "Real smooth."
Phil doesn't see Clint for the rest of the day. Which is just as well, really, because as much as he knows he needs to apologize, how does an apology like that even go? Sorry I may have permanently damaged your dick, why don't you let me kiss it better?
Natasha spends the rest of the shoot sending knowing smirks in his direction while Pepper introduces their romantic picks. Natasha, Phil decides, is not as hilarious as she thinks she is.
Tracey selects one of the options (a gorgeous medical researcher named Dave whom Phil thinks he would also probably have chosen, given the chance), and they're done for the day.
There's a short debrief for the main team, and a quick update on who and what they'll be filming tomorrow (the three-month, six-month and one-year update segments for three former subjects and then Phil is blessedly released into the cool evening air, suit shed in favour of jeans and a cashmere sweater.
His phone buzzes with a text from Natasha informing him that Clint is fine (but that if Phil feels like playing doctor she's sure Clint wouldn't object).
Phil rolls his eyes. Natasha is definitely not as hilarious as she thinks.
Clint isn't required to come in for the follow-up episodes so phil doesn't get his chance to apologize until Monday.
Phil has his apology all worked out, having agonized over it all weekend, but when he finally spots Clint, stepping off his motorcycle, removing his helmet and running one hand casually through his hair, biceps firm under a tight black t-shirt, Phil ends up blurting the first thing that comes to mind.
"I'm sorry I burnt your dick." Phil has several seconds to drown in his own mortification before Clint snorts out a surprised laugh.
"Don't sweat it." Clint says with a smile, and then, because nothing in phil's life can go that simply, "still in working order" punctuated by a wink.
"Good." Phil says before he can stop himself.
"I like to think so." Clint says, "Are you heading inside?" He adds, gesturing to Phil with his helmet.
Which is when Phil realises that he's awkwardly blocking the door to word vomit at Clint. He steps aside wordlessly and silently prays that the ground will open up and swallow him whole.
Instead, he follows Clint inside to find that Natasha was watching the whole encounter through the large window to their left.
Phil is expecting another sarcastic comment from Natasha, but instead she just tells them that Director Nick Fury and producer Maria Hill have called a mandatory meeting before they get started for the week.
Phil crams into the back of the tiny board room with Clint and Natasha just as Nick finally gets their outdated projector system up and running.
Phil should know by now that nothing good ever follows the phrase "a very special episode", but he still isn't expecting to see his own face staring back at him, projects to six times its regular size on the opposite wall.
"Phil Coulson," Nick announces, "Fantastic talk-show host, fantastic at finding love for others, terrible at taking his own advice."
Seeing that Maria is rolling her eyes as hard as Phil wants to does nothing to dull Nick's perverse pleasure, or his flair for the dramatic.
"Phil has successfully helped ninety-six women find love." Nick continues, gently shoving Maria as he does so, "and now, it's time he got a turn."
There's a sudden uproar in the room and Phil is, in turns, terrified that it's supporting the idea, and terrified that it's against the idea. "About fucking time!" Tony says from his place at the front, "Wait, does this mean Steve and I get to dress him? Because I have been dying to put Phil in a vest since we met."
"I'm getting to that," Maria cuts in, "if you animals will shut up for five seconds."
Maria has an unnerving ability to silence an entire room through sheer force of will that Phil has always been more than slightly jealous of.
"Obviously this set will have to run a bit differently than our usual." Maria says, "For starters, Phil can't host if he's this week's subject."
Phil feels a sudden sinking in his stomach which completes its drop as Maria continues.
"Thankfully, Natasha has already stepped forward and offered to fill that role. The audience is already familiar with her and her ratings are high enough that I see no problem."
Phil sees a problem. Phil sees a lot of problems, but he's never been one to make a move on partial information, so he bides his time until he has the full picture.
"Otherwise, Phil will follow the usual routine, three sessions with Dr. Banner, a wardrobe consult with Steve and Tony" Maria is interrupted by Tony's 'whoop' of excitement, "and makeup with Clint before a final reveal and an array of lovely gentlemen for him to choose from." Maria finishes pointedly, shooting a withering glare at Tony.
"How much of this will be televised?" Phil finally asks.
"Preferably all of it." Nick answers, "although we won't do anything without your consent."
"Can I think about it?" Phil asks, because having this sprung on him first thing on a Monday morning is a bit much.
"We start filming in an hour." Nick says with a shrug that Phil finds is not at all comforting.
"Ladies!" Natasha says, standing from Phil's usual chair, "you may notice that I am not Phil Coulson. There's a reason for that. As you all know, Phil has helped nearly one hundred women turn their lives around and find true love. And today, we're returning the favour."
That's Phil's cue and he walks self-consciously out onto the set he's entered hundreds of times before to the thunderous applause he's received hundreds of times before and somehow everything still manages to feel completely different.
"Phil Coulson, ladies!" Natasha says, gesturing to him like a woman on a game show showing off a new car.
The applause settles and their cameraman gives them the signal that they've gone to the background story clip that Nick and Maria had somehow put together over the weekend. Phil and Natasha settle into the chairs in the centre of the stage and wait while the clip runs through, and then through the commercial break until finally the cameraman is counting down to their return to air.
"Welcome back, ladies." Natasha says, and she's really very good at this, Phil thinks, "Before the break I told you we would be putting Phil through his paces as a participant. You've just seen some behind-the-scenes footage of Phil and I think you'll agree with me that, while any man would be lucky to have him, he's got some work to do."
There's a smattering of laughter throughout the audience and phil has a moment to wonder with some trepidation what, exactly, was included in the video everyone was just shown.
"You all know how this goes." Natasha adds, "and Phil doesn't get any special treatment, so let's get Dr.Banner out here."
Bruce enters from the wings, shoulders still hunching slightly at all the attention, even after two years as a television psychiatrist. He gives Natasha a warm hug and accepts a kiss to both cheeks before he settles into her seat and she exits the stage to wait for their session to end.
This is the part that Phil has been dreading being made public. Phil has seen how these sessions go. Dr. Banner is kind but firm in his discussions, and he doesn't make his sessions easy. Any hope that he may make an exception for Phil is dashed when Dr. Banner begins speaking.
"Tell us a little bit about your last relationship." Banner starts, leaning back in his chair with a notepad on his lap.
"Wow." Phil says, "Just jumping right in there. Okay."
Phil's onstage persona, really just a more relaxed, confident version of himself, slides into place as Phil answers Dr. Banner's probing, uncomfortable questions.
They end the session after an hour and a half, during which Phil finds out that his difficulties talking to men stem from a lack of confidence which, in turn, stems from an overbearing and emotionally distant father. Phil was not prepared to learn all of this on a Monday morning in front of fifty-odd women he's never met before, but Maria is smiling at him encouragingly from the sidelines so he forces a smile himself and thanks Dr. Banner for the talk.
Phil spends his afternoon being poked and prodded and measured by Tony and Steve in preparation for his wardrobe appointment the next day until he's finally released on the promise that he will try on anything Tony wants him to.
Phil is accosted on his way out of his dressing room by both Natasha and Pepper, who inform him that they've decided to do his partner profile over drinks. Phil sighs, but follows dutifully behind as Natasha and Pepper lead him to a classy, upscale bar a few blocks from their studio.
"So," Pepper says, settling into a stool at one of the tall tables strewn about the bright, white and chrome space, and depositing three cocktails carefully on the table, "let's start by describing your ideal man."
"Clint Barton." Natasha says before Phil can gather himself to answer.
"No." Phil says, just as Pepper says, "That's a good start."
"So blond, tan, muscular," Pepper continues as Phil lets his head slowly drop into his hand, "kind, laid back, a bit of a flirt?"
"Exactly," Natasha nods.
"If you're just going to make up the profile on your own then why am I here?" Phil grouses.
"To drink cocktails and gossip with your two best friends." Natasha says, shoving one of the cocktails towards Phil and taking a sip from a second one at the same time.
"What job would your ideal man have?" Pepper, ever the professional, cuts in.
"Make-up artist." Natasha supplies.
Phil groans and downs his cocktail in one go, gesturing for a second one as Natasha and Pepper dissolve into childish giggles.
Day two of filming goes much the same as day one, with an introduction from Natasha, a therapy session in the morning, and wardrobe in the afternoon.
Tony actually has surprisingly good taste in menswear (or perhaps, has good taste when moderated by Steve) and, despite Phil's original trepidation, he ends up with several outfits that he thinks he might actually wear in his day to day life.
Phil intends to change and meet Natasha and Pepper again to go over the files they've pulled since yesterday, but he opens his dressing room door to find Clint lounging on his couch. Clint looks up as Phil enters and seems to freeze, staring at Phil with an intensity that from anyone else would be unnerving.
"Hi." Phil says, half greeting half question.
"Hey." Clint says distractedly.
"Can I help you?" Phil asks.
"Yeah," Clint says, shaking his head as though to clear it of fog, "yes, sorry. You look great, by the way."
Which is when Phil realises that he's still wearing the last outfit Tony and Steve put him in; a tight black v-neck t-shirt,equally tight jeans, and a pair of lensless glasses which Steve had assured him were not as dorky as Phil thought.
"Anyway, I just thought I should tell you, I won't be available to do your make-up on Thursday; something's come up, so Thor will be taking care of you. We'll both stop by after the show tomorrow to go over some options with you so I'll have some input, but Thor knows what he's doing and, uh..."
"He won't have much to work on in terms of hair." Phil finishes, smiling ruefully.
Clint winces apologetically.
"It's fine" Phil is quick to assure him, "I don't want much in the way of hair or makeup anyway."
"Are you sure you get a say in that?" Clint asks with a grin.
Phil knows he's teasing, but at this point he's not entirely convinced that Clint is wrong.
Wednesday involves his third, and thankfully, final therapy session with Dr. Banner. Phil has a newfound understanding of how emotionally trying this process is for the women who turn themselves over to him which, he figures, is at least part of the reason Nick is doing this to him. The rest of the reason is probably just to watch him suffer. Nick is a good friend.
Phil is scheduled to spend the afternoon with Steve and Tony learning about formal looks, but they decided over lunch that, since Phil wears tailored suits to work every day their time would be better spent helping Phil with more casual looks. Phil ends the day in "gym wear", a pair of shorts and a tank top that Phil is entirely sure he is far too old for, and which he's fairly sure will clash with his knee brace anyway, but they'd needed to fill an extra twenty minutes and athletic wear had been the only option apart from, possibly, dressing Phil up like a clown.
Phil is hoping to have enough time to change into something less... revealing, before his meeting with Clint and Thor, but they're waiting for him in his dressing room; Clint, again seated languidly on his couch, and Thor leaning against his vanity, a wide array of makeup supplies laid out on the table behind him, and an apron full of further supplies tied around his waist.
Phil sighs and resigns himself to at least an hour spent pressed into a chair by Thor's bulk being poked and prodded until he's ready to scream. Instead, once Phil is settled into the seat in front of the mirror and Thor, Thor steps out of the way and Clint slides into his place, giving Phil an appraising look.
"You've got good skin." Clint finally says, biting his lip, "We could do a bit of concealer but nothing too heavy."
Thor nods and pulls out a notepad from one of the pockets on his apron while Phil tries not to squirm under Clint's intense gaze.
"Some eyebrow sculpting wouldn't be a bad idea either." Clint says, "and definitely some moisturizer, especially for the T-zone."
Phil can feel himself starting to blush. He has no idea what half of the things Clint is saying even mean, but Clint's gaze hasn't left Phil's face once since he started rattling off instructions and Phil is a mixture of disconcerted and oddly pleased.
Clint finally seems to have given Thor enough to go on because he nods firmly, and turns around. Phil can't see what Clint is doing, but suddenly Clint is turning back to face him and his hands are gently stroking Phil's cheeks. Phil starts, pulling his head backwards in confusion, and Clint winces sympathetically again.
"Sorry," he says, holding up his hands, "it's just moisturizer. It might be a bit cold, though."
Phil thinks that the flaming pink of his cheeks is more than enough to counteract any coldness from the moisturizer, but he says nothing, just nodding for Clint to continue.
Clint's hands are surprisingly soft and his touch seems to feel more like a caress than the application of a cream, though that may be Phil's imagination.
Clint pours a small amount of something peach out of a bottle onto the back of his hand and dabs some up with a sponge and then Clint's face is close enough to Phil's that he can feel Clint's breath on his cheeks. Clint carefully dabs the peach cream under Phil's eyes, slowing as he does so until he's simply leaning over Phil, one hand cupping Phil's chin, the other braced against Phil's cheek as he dabs one last time. Phil meets Clint's eyes and for a moment Phil holds his breath, a sense of urgency and anticipation filling him.
Then Thor coughs pointedly from his place on the couch and Clint pulls back abruptly.
"Right!" Clint says loudly and briskly, "That should do it."
Phil nods, equally brisk, and forces a smile.
"We'll go a bit more in depth tomorrow, " Clint explains, "but it won't look much different when we're done."
Phil nods again, and thanks both Clint and Thor before awkwardly explaining that he would really like to get changed now.
Thor takes a moment to pack up he supplies on the vanity, but Clint beats a hasty retreat, not looking back even as the door slams shut behind him.
True to his word, Clint is nowhere to be found the next morning. Phil does his best to put yesterday's moment out of his mind, but beginning the day in the makeup chair doesn't help with this.
Thor is as gentle as Clint had been the night before. By virtue of his size and strength, Thor tends to view everyone as particularly fragile, apparently including Phil.
Thor is done with his hair within fifteen minutes, 'a new record', Natasha texts to tell him. Phil almost texts her back to ask if she knows where Clint is, but decides against it. If Clint wanted him to know where he was, Clint would have told him.
Makeup takes significantly longer than hair. Apparently it takes a lot of work to make a guy like Phil look like a guy who could attract one of their suitors. There's dabbing and plucking and a little spritz of cologne involved but ultimately Thor deems Phil ready; or rather, "resplendent". Thor, too, has something of a flare for the dramatic, although his is caused more by the language barrier than anything else.
There's one more run with Steve and Tony who fit Phil into a deep purple button up shirt and dark jeans, and then it's time for the reveal.
Phil doesn't cry, but even he has to admit that he looks excellent.
He allows himself a self-indulgent little twirl, to the elation of the audience, and then they cut for lunch, to Phil's relief.
Pepper and Natasha corner Phil in the wings of the stage, one woman taking each of his arms and dragging him towards the buffet table set up in the main greenroom.
Phil knows he won't be able to eat, but he also knows that if he doesn't at least try, Pepper isn't above forcing the issue, and Natasha isn't above force feeding.
He grabs a sandwich and settles into a chair, careful to avoid wrinkling his shirt (he doesn't want Steve and Tony on his case as well).
"You'll be fine." Natasha says, taking the seat next to Phil.
Phil nods and gives her a weak smile as Pepper takes the chair on his other side.
"Nervous?" Pepper asks.
The question is redundant; Phil is very obviously nervous, but he appreciates her concern nonetheless.
He nods again.
"Don't be." Natasha says, as though it's that simple, "Trust me, you'll like the guys we've chosen."
"I do trust you." Phil says.
It's true, too. Natasha and Pepper know him well enough that he knows they'll have found him someone he'll like, but he can't help the small lump of disappointment sitting in his stomach at the thought that the one man he really wants won't be an option. Won't even be there which, if he's honest, stings a bit.
He throws out his sandwich a half hour later, untouched.
Natasha is back in her usual role after the break and seems much more comfortable for it.
Phil is standing awkwardly to her left as she introduces her segment to enthusiastic cheering from the crowd, and five men troop out onto the stage, all dressed in gorgeous suits.
"We've got some of the best options we've ever had on the show for you today." Natasha says, "So let's get right down to it because I know how you've all been waiting for this moment."
There are more cheers and the first of the men steps forward.
"Ladies!" Natasha says, "And Phil. Meet Jeremy."
Jeremy is a stunning blond with incredible arms that Phil takes a moment to appreciate before Natasha continues with his bio.
"Jeremy is a dentist with his own private practice in the city." She says, "His hobbies include horseback riding and playing the cello."
Phil is also introduced to Mark (an entomologist who enjoys gardening and karaoke, and who croons out a few bars of Phil's favourite song), Alex (a high school teacher who plays soccer and the clarinet in a jazz band), Craig (a firefighter whose hobbies include collecting comic books and antiquing), and James (an ICU nurse who volunteers at a crisis centre and builds his own furniture).
Phil has to admit, he finds all five physically attractive, and all five seem like great guys. They're just not Clint.
Phil pushes that thought out of the way, forcing himself to think that he could easily be happy with any one of these men.
The cheering dies down and Phil focuses on trying to determine which of these men he would like to move forward with, when Natasha cuts in.
"Aren't they great, ladies" she asks, "But! This wouldn't be a special episode without a surprising, last-minute twist!"
Phil isn't sure what his face looks like, but he has a feeling it's an unattractive mix of shock, betrayal and misguided hope. Natasha shrugs at him subtly with an almost apologetic smile; she must know how he feels about surprises, especially on top of the week he's had.
"Pepper, would you be so kind as to bring out our sixth option?"
Pepper sashays onto the stage with a huge grin, and right behind her is Clint.
He's dressed in the same suit as the other five men, his own smile a touch sheepish, one hand rubbing at the back of his neck and the other shoved deep into his pants pocket.
Phil can feel his heart stutter in his chest as the audience screams their approval.
"Ladies," Natasha yells to be heard over the audience's excitement, "meet Clint. He's a makeup artist whose hobbies include archery and aerial yoga."
Clint gives an awkward sort of half-wave, as though he's worried that Phil won't want him there. Phil half-waves back in reassurance, not bothering to hide his own awkward grin.
"Are you ready to make your choice?" Natasha starts to ask, but Phil cuts her off in his haste to make sure that no one can take this away from him.
"Clint." He says, quickly, slightly breathless but with conviction, "I choose Clint."
Phil thinks Pepper might be laughing at him, but he's distracted by the huge grin spreading across Clint's face.
Phil knows that what comes next is usually a handshake and a polite introduction before the new couple leaves the stage, but Phil has known Clint for two years, has wanted this for nearly as long, and he can't bring himself to wait until they're off camera.
Clint seems to have the same idea (and isn't that a thrill), and he's striding purposefully across the space separating them.
Before Phil quite knows what's happening, Clint has one arm wrapped around Phil's waist and the other around his shoulders. Clint spins Phil into sudden dip and Phil only barely keeps himself from flailing awkwardly as Clint finally catches his lips in a deep kiss. Phil is distantly aware of the sounds of screaming ramping back up from the audience, but his focus is stuck on Clint, the feel of Clint's lips on his own.
Clint finally sets him back on his feet, holding Phil by both arms while Phil regains his bearings.
"Hey." Phil says, when his feet feel steadier underneath him.
"Hey." Clint replies, grin firmly back in place.
Phil gives into temptation and leans in to kiss him again as Natasha gives Phil's signature sign-off and the lights on stage fade out to black.