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here’s the thing alright?
izuku and katsuki were doing good. they were doing fine, they’d be their typical bickering selves out in public but the second it was just the two of them it was like all masks fell. izuku was able to be a crybaby and katsuki wouldn’t see him as weaker for it. on multiple occasions, katsuki would corner him with a firm, knowing look.
“we’re gonna talk.”
“not right now, kachhan.”
“bullshit. you don’t think i can’t see your dumb ass working yourself into the ground? you’re going to come to my room and we’re going to fix this.”
thump.
izuku was ninety percent sure their gradual shift came from a place of guilt but he wasn’t going to accuse him of something he wasn’t sure of. no, he was able to cry and break in front of someone and feel completely safe in doing so, it was easy. in front of someone who’d seen you at your absolute worst, it was impossible to ruin things further.
they spent nearly every minute together. uraraka and iida would give him side eyes whenever spiky hair would magically appear beside them at lunch. todoroki would hum as he’d spot a tieless collar approaching only to say “bitch,” mess up his hair and leave.
“you don’t have to keep taking it.” ochako tried telling him once.
“it’s fine, honest!” he’d reply. “it’s how he shows affection.”
iida looked at him, concerned. “you may think he’s gotten better but he’s just not a good person. he’s hurt you before and he probably will do it again.”
but izuku found that hard to believe. someone who despite their phenomenal sleep schedule who would turn up in the middle of the night just to ease the nightmares didn’t seem like someone who’d hurt him, not on purpose.
izuku was something of a frequent visitor of katsuki’s room by then. in fact, he was hardly a visitor anymore. one night they were watching one of the old all might silver age movies and admittedly, izuku’s body was catching up with him in term of rest and he fell asleep halfway through. he woke up to katsuki asleep beside him, lying on his stomach.
izuku never had the privilege of seeing him asleep. it was… beautiful.
thump.
he always looked ready for anything, guard up, fists clenched at the ready, brows furrowed, mouth contorted into a carefully crafted smirk. this was different. this katsuki looked peaceful, his eyes shut, mouth slightly agape, drool all over the corner of his lips. it was angelic. and it was all for izuku to take in. he had his guard down just for him to see.
izuku had never slept so well. he didn’t try to move closer, he didn’t want to ruin the good thing. the next morning when they woke up he was tense. katsuki grumbled as he rose, eventually letting his head fall back down.
then something different happened. something strange. he didn’t rest his head on the pillow, instead, he rested it on izuku’s thigh. he froze, feeling the older of the two nuzzle him in still- sleepy comfort. he could feel the stubble ever so slightly.
thump.
“kachhan we have class in an hour.”
“and? we live in this fucking place. we’ll reach there in five minutes at max.”
“still have to get ready though.”
“room warm. outside world cruel.”
and he promptly fell asleep.
izuku wished he had the strength to say that was the last time he slept over but that would be so far from the truth that if there was in fact a god, he’d look at him with the most critical judgement. no, izuku midoriya despite one for all, he was weak. so weak and selfish. he wanted to see it again, the usually uptight, intense force of nature unconscious and pliable like a defenceless infant. he was precious, delicate. glass. if izuku moved even the slightest bit he’d felt as though he’d break.
which is laughable. katsuki bakugo was the opposite of breakable, he was in fact the one who would usually be doing the breaking. the privilege of seeing this stark contrast was addicting.
but yes, that meant after that night katsuki called him over to watch a movie again. and he fell asleep less than fifteen minutes in again. this time he shut the laptop and threw his blanket over the two of them. wordlessly, he settled the pillow so that the two could share but it left them far too close together, mere centimetres apart.
izuku felt katsuki grumble, resting his head on his shoulder and wrap his arms securely around his waist. that was a whole new level of terrifying. katsuki wasn’t even completely asleep, just beginning to drift to unconsciousness. in the corner of his mind, a part of him clawed at the walls, screaming about how temporary this all was. izuku did not like that part. he let the arm katsuki was resting on adjust to fit him and brought his hand to the sleepy boy’s head, running his fingers through it. katsuki hummed, sleeping.
“you should bring your pillow.” he said, still fairly conscious.
“sure thing. next time.” izuku replied.
by the next time izuku went over to talk or just hang out, he had an all night pillowcase clad sack of stuffing tucked under his arm. katsuki hardly looked fazed. once again, the rise of all might was left forgotten in the span of twenty minutes and the two shut the laptop that lay on katsuki’s lap in favour of entangling their limbs.
and it went on. and on. and on. day after day, night after night, he found himself somehow in katsuki’s room. as it grew more and more often, he noticed katsuki clinging to him and resting his cheek on his chest far earlier into the night, even during the movies. izuku would feel his own breath still for a moment before returning to normal.
this one night, katsuki shifted his head to the centre of izuku’s chest.
thump.
“your heartbeat is so fast, did you have caffeine or something?”
“yeah.” came the easier, less truthful reply.
“dumbass. you know how much it fucks you up.”
but it wasn’t caffeine. it wasn’t stress or hypertension or anything like that. the simple, mournful explanation was that izuku midoriya once again in his life, was in love with something he could never have. he could claw and pull and scream and grip and squeeze and it would still be smoke, vapour. he tried denying it, truly. it was the first stage of grief and the very thought that they were comparable made him sick, imagine mourning something that was never even alive in the first place? it must come from a place of masochism because only a fool like him would enjoy this form of self torture.
a modern day tantalus. in a pool of water with fruit above his head, hungry. how much ever he’d stretch he can’t reach the fruit and no matter how low he bends, the water escapes him. always longing, always there in the situation he constantly puts himself in.
it was so much easier to pretend like it wasn’t, and despite what kirishima termed his inability to lie, he found it a comfortable role to slip in, the once feuding duo to friends. changing the dynamic now that they were comfortable in the role would be idiotic. so he lied, and he lied well. they spent every spare minute together in his room, talking, working, working out. it was heaven to just coexist and do nothing together, truly.
as much as izuku liked to deny it, he loved the teasing. the casual slights calling him a nerd, it gave the insults a new context. a far better one. especially when it was one of those nights where both of them were sleepy and rambling and katsuki would rest the side of his face in the crook of his shoulder and mutter a soft “idiot.”
this is limited, something told izuku. this has an expiry date fast approaching.
it came about two months into their arrangement. katsuki and him were sitting at lunch when kaminari joined them- little known fact about him, kaminari had perhaps the ability to completely ruin someone’s day.
“how’s my favourite married couple?” he grinned, sitting down on the seat beside them.
thump.
“what?” izuku asked, in hopes he misheard.
“come on, you spend every second of the day together! we’ll have to get someone to surgically remove you two.”
kirishima nudged him in a desperate attempt to get him to shut up, however the damage was already done. tragic tunes of tantalus’s tango rung in his ears as katsuki barked out a sharp laugh.
“you’re fucked in the head. deku and i are anything but married, in fact, i’d say we’re divorced.”
thump.
“ha.” izuku tried, forcing the knot caught in his throat out.
kaminari cringed slightly, realising the tension he had caused. “hey at least you got the kid! i’m sure todoroki is happier over at dad’s.”
katsuki slammed his hands on the table. izuku wasn’t sure whether he was more offended by the fact that he won the custody battle, the fact that the child in question was todoroki or the fact that izuku was ‘dad.’ nevertheless he walked off, eyebrows knit together in thought.
this was different and far more dangerous than angry katsuki. izuku knew what to be like around angry katsuki but this… vague, cryptic katsuki was somehow more volatile. vague katsuki was the soft ticking before the bomb exploded.
“we’re not married, are we?” he asked, attempting for a mildly joking sort of tone but failing miserably. kirishima looked conflicted.
“i mean you two sure spend a lot of time together. when’s the last time you went to lunch without him?”
the fact that izuku had to think until the end of the day and he still couldn’t come up with an answer proved enough. and it wasn’t just him being a little on edge by the comment, katsuki was actively avoiding him. izuku shot him a “you going for dinner?” only to be completely ignored. they were better than that, at least they were.
thump.
izuku was nothing if not anxious. katsuki didn’t cross his path and when they went for check in to aizawa to inform him they were on campus for the night, he blatantly ignored his attempts at communication. he hated it, the guessing, the unsure, the anxious screams of the intrusive parts of his head. he waited until he gave aizawa a small nod and turned on his heel to go to his room. he watched as he took the left down the hallway and tread softly after him.
“kachhan.”
no response. benefit of the doubt. izuku tried once more.
“kachhan.”
katsuki turned slowly, terrifying. his face was stone, and all of a sudden izuku was eight and so was katsuki and he was on the floor with katsuki looking down at him, ready to hit, to explode, to hurt.
thump.
“fuck you. i don’t want to see you, get lost.” he said firmly, frigid, final.
thump went the door as it shut.
izuku stood there, processing what had just happened. he… he thought they were fine! it was going so well, he didn’t do anything, at least he didn’t know he did anything. did something happen? was izuku being too clingy? no, katsuki definitely was a part of it. he fucked up, he hated him. why did he hate him?
thump thump thump.
“izuku? are you… okay?”
oh. he was crying. he rubbed his eyes quickly.
“yeah, sorry about that.”
iida looked worried. “you know you can talk to me? i may not be the best at advice but i’m a good listener.”
izuku nodded. he didn’t have the energy yo try anything else.
it had been four? four days since then. every second in a shared space was torture- katsuki pretending as though he wasn’t there and izuku felt like a fucking fool. he stopped trying to get his attention and resigned to return to his initial lunch table, even if it were just for some semblance of company. it was a reflective time, realising just how many hours of the day were spent with katsuki, how unused to sleeping alone he was. izuku would hug his pillow and pretend it was a warm body beside him.
“room warm, outside world cruel.” he muttered to himself before he fell asleep. it wasn’t the same.
thump. a knock on the door.
izuku rubbed his eyes and stirred. who even would be up at this hour? he turned the handle slowly, his limbs aching from the lack of the familiar form beside him. maybe it was katsuki, maybe he was going to finally, finally tell him what went wrong. he turned the handle instead revealing a sheepish kirishima.
“hey midoriya…” he trailed off.
izuku looked down at what he had. a fluffy pillow with an all too familiar all might pillow case.
ah.
kirishima extended the pillow towards him with a look of pity in his eyes. izuku hated it, of al things people could feel towards him- rage, jealousy, hate, pity was the worst. it was an assumption that he already lost.
he took the pillow from his hands and looked at it, feeling the fabric between his fingers, grounding. kirishima didn’t know what to say.
“he’s just going through a lot right now. it’s not okay, how he’s treating you though. you should talk to him.”
“i tried.” izuku said, not looking up. “he’s pretending like i don’t exist, like everything from the last couple weeks meant nothing. like i mean nothing to him.”
“midoriya no, that’s the furthest thing from the truth.” kirishima placed his hands on his shoulders. “listen. we both know he’s dumb as rocks.”
“he’s not.” izuku protested.
“bro has the IQ of einstein but the EQ of a goddamn worm. he doesn’t know how to process emotions, his or anyone else’s. he’s being a dick right now, i know there’s no excuse but his brain is on overdrive just trying to figure out what he’s feeling.”
izuku sighed helplessly. it made little to no sense.
“he hates me now.”
“he doesn’t. trust me.”
he clutched the pillow tight. why did it feel so final? katsuki didn’t have to return the pillow. this was his mmm saying i don’t want you .
thump.
thump thump.
thumpthumpthump.
he felt his heartbeat race, stumbling over itself, his chest going tight and breath struggle to make its way in or out. he couldn’t help it, he cried there in the hallway with kirishima holding onto him so tight, tighter than katsuki, less warm too.
if he ever had an issue like this, he’d go to katsuki first, ironic that his support system became the reason he needed support.
“i’m so sorry.” kirishima whispered to him.
izuku didn’t care. he just wanted katsuki.
izuku had a normal day the next day. or at least, the new normal. alone.
it felt strangely like middle school- everyone staring at him like something was wrong, treating him like glass, like he was breakable. he knew he looked awful just from the way aizawa didn’t say more than grunt when he didn’t turn in his homework. he was sick of the “are you okay?”s and the usual response “i’m just tired.”
he was so tired. he didn’t even care of katsuki didn’t love him back, he just wanted him back in his life.
he trudged through the day and retreated to his room immediately after classes.
okay izuku , he thought to himself. you may have been friendship-dumped but that’s no excuse to get behind on schoolwork. you don’t need male validation if you have academic validation.
he was never used to friendships and the intricacies of them, particularly because he never really had friends before, and that got even trickier when he had feelings for that specific friend. god, he was cursed. the one person he loved he couldn’t have. he sat by his desk and opened up a textbook and a spare journal to take notes.
he stared at the books, unmotivated.
thump.
izuku looked up. the door continued knocking.
thump thump.
he took his time before responding. he really didn’t want to have to deal with people, he was tired. so tired.
“not right now!” he called out.
“fucking nerd, open the door.”
now that… that made him nearly fall out of his chair. what the fuck. no. he literally shut him out for days. ignored his existence in class as well- he was used to aggression and being antagonised. he wasn’t used to radio silence.
thumpthumpthumpthumpthump.
izuku felt his heart pounding. hammer against cloth drum. reverberating vibrations. his sweaty palms barely gripped his door handle to twist it open.
there katsuki stood in his eye bagged glory. his shoulders were lowered and he looked tired. so tired. his head hung slightly, gaze fixed on the apparently extremely fascinating fabric of the hallway carpet.
“can i come in or do you wanna have this conversation outside?” he said it as a statement, it wasn’t much of a question.
“sure, yeah. sure.” izuku opened his door and stepped aside to let him in. katsuki sat on the bed, his hands fidgeting. a beat passed.
before izuku could say anything, the blond cut him off, “i’ve been really shitty to you with no explanation and i’m sorry.”
“no it’s okay, i understand-“
“it’s not okay!”
he looked up at izuku and just stared at him for a moment. he patted the space on the bed beside him and he sat down beside him. katsuki sighed and leaned back resting completely on the bed.
“i can’t fucking think anymore. when spark plug called us married it wouldn’t have hurt if it wasn’t true. we spend too much time together- you don’t even eat with your dumbass friends anymore!”
“we’re not married.” he didn’t want to let himself believe in something that wasn’t real.
“we sleep in the same bed. deku, we cuddle .”
“so what?”
“that’s not what normal fucking friends do! normal people hang out sometimes, we didn’t spend any time apart.”
izuku looked at him, confused. “so you just… decided to cut me off? without even telling me you wanted space?”
silence.
“i didn’t want space.” katsuki said quietly, but loud enough for izuku to catch.
“i don’t understand.” izuku replied, lost.
“i was miserable these past couple days. everything was wrong, lunch was too quiet, bed wasn’t warm and it drove me insane. you- your stupid pillow was there and you weren’t and everything was wrong .”
“i tried talking to you. why didn’t you say something? i would have come back.” he leaned back beside him and turned to face the older of the two.
“nobody’s that affected by just some extra. you’ve worked your way into my life and you’re attached to me like some cyst.”
izuku’s eye twitched. a cyst?
he continued, “it’s real fucking earth shattering when you find out you have feelings for someone you’ve known since diapers.”
thump.
oh.
“listen, i don’t want to make you uncomfortable or whatever. whether you reciprocate is your problem, just didn’t want to lie to you-“
“i reciprocate.”
katsuki turns to him, eyes wide.
“i… when you’d sleep on me, i felt so calm and safe and just, yeah. i never wanted to let go. i really, really like you kachhan, more than you know.”
izuku reached for his hand and squeezed. unsure, katsuki raised the joint hands to his cheek and squeezed back.
thump.
katsuki’s eyes softened. “i treated you like shit. i don’t think i’ll ever forgive myself. shitty hair came over and told me to get my head out of my ass.”
“it’s okay, i understand-“
“still not okay. i don’t deserve this, you shouldn’t want me.”
izuku huffed. “i have my own free will, i’m not some little kid. i decide what i want. and i want you.”
izuku held the side of katsuki’s face with one hand as he sat up to lean over him. his face was flushed a little, eyes unsure where to look. his thumb brushed his cheekbone and katsuki finally looked up at him, lips slightly parted.
it was wordless. izuku leant down and katsuki’s arms trailed to the back of his neck. desperate and eager and relieved and so much love. neither of them were all that experienced, it was possible the most mediocre first kiss to anyone else but to them it was perfect.
“we could have been doing this so much sooner.” katsuki huffed as they broke apart.
“you’re the one who took too long.”
“fuck you.”
when izuku fell asleep that night, katsuki holding him close to his chest he followed the soft beating.
thump.
thump.
thump.