Work Text:
It started as an occasional drip at the back of his mind. Little splashes that bounced through his deepest thoughts. A leak through his once ironclad beliefs. Faith had always been like breathing for Simeon; something he didn’t have to think about, but he’d perish without.
The thing with drips is eventually even the smallest amount will erode. Carving away at his mind over time until his faith was frayed at the edges. And then came you and it was like the dam broke. Simeon had expected to crumble, as if without his conviction he’d have nothing left. Instead, he felt free. Each smile, every laugh from you was another wave carrying him further from what he’d always known and towards you.
He tried to fight it at first. There were nights he’d stare at his reflection - unsure if he really knew who was looking back at him anymore. Days spent in his room reading the book he already knew word for word in hope that he’d missed something over the years. Something that would tell him it was going to be okay. He’d watch his fallen brothers. Try and convince himself it would be okay to be like them. He’d extend his wings and wonder what would become of them. He lost weeks to a darkness he hadn’t even known had existed.
Yet, each time he thought he’d be overcome by it, there was you. Sunshine personified, chasing off his shadows and beckoning you to bask in it. When you were around it didn’t really feel like falling. And like that terrible darkness different to anything he’d ever felt before, you brought a new light.
It was the way you looked at him, those private smiles reserved only for him, and the way your eyes danced so unburdened by the restraints he lived with. You made him feel so much. Pride as he watched you flourish in the Devildom. Each of your victories felt like his own. Fear when the brothers led you down another dangerous pathway, but trust that you’d make it out the other side. Jealousy when he didn’t get more time with you, relief when it was his face you always found first in a room of people.
Then there was the desire. Something so forbidden he’d never allowed himself to entertain it before, but with you it was inevitable. He could feel it when you were close, when you’d accidentally brush up against him. He felt it when you turned up to lessons with a sleep-clouded expression that lowered your composure ever so slightly. It made you feel real and he wanted to feel just how real you were. It would send heat across his chest and throughout his body. He was sure you must be able to see the need rushing through his veins. How it drove him crazy when your scent lingered in his room after you’d been over. Yet, you never said anything. He never told you what it would mean if he were to give into his desires. He knew you’d never let him make that choice if you knew. He sometimes wondered if you’d already guessed it. You came so close yet never enough.
“Is this some kind of test?” He screamed into the constant dark of the Devildom as if it would answer him. “Have I not given enough? Have I not given you everything?”
The silence in response spoke louder than any answer ever could.
He’d thought he’d know love until he met you. Love wasn’t having to watch as your brothers fell to protect one of their own. Love wasn’t love if you lived in fear that one wrong step could send you hurtling down too. Love was you and him in coffee shops, giggling at lines in the Devildom books and stumbling down streets that would be otherwise unremarkable if you weren’t there beside him. Love was how home now felt like late night chats with you, vulnerable and honest. Home was no longer somewhere you were not welcome.
His hands shook as he reached for your face, but he still reached.
And when he finally let go and let you in it wasn’t him choosing to fall. Love wasn’t a choice at all.