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There isn’t supposed to be anything sexual about this chapter it’s just based off of something that happened like 10 years ago in middle school when a group of guys all put a dollar in a pile and then measured there dicks and the biggest dick welder got all the money in the pile
And also based off of that one southpark episode
OFFENSIVE HUMOR AHEAD DEAL WITH IT OR FUCK OFF
Silva was at the head of the table, Kikyo on his left side of the table, Killua unfortunately sat next to her. Alluka next to killua and Zeno who was sitting at the other head of the table. Illumi was by Silva on his right side across from kikyo. Milluki was sat next to Illumi and to Killuas misfortune across from him. Kalluto sat next to Milluki across from alluka and by Zeno.
Killua was brought back to the zoldyck mansion after Alluka insisted she wanted to visit the family. Killua never expected to see himself back ‘home’. But here he was sitting at the dining table with his ‘family’ eating dinner. But what was even more unexpected was the conversation that was brought up. And what was even more unexpected than that was that it was brought up by ILLUMI.
Killua was just try to eat his food and drown out Kikyo’s ramblings about her ‘baby finally coming home’ and the sounds of milluki inhaling his food. Alluka was raving to Kalluto about the adventures her and Killua have been on Kalluto sat awkwardly unsure of how to engage in the conversation. However all the conversation stoped when Illumi stated,
“You really shouldn’t lie, women don’t like that.”
Around the table there was no sound besides milluki still sloppily eating his food. Illumi didn’t talk often at the table and Normally only spoke when spoken to and only responding to peoples questions or comments in as little words as possible with no emotion. So everyone seemed surprised to hear what a random unexpected sentence from Illumi.
“Hey! Milluki, I’m talking to you.” Illumi said sternly.
Milluki sighed rolled his eyes paused his eating and looked at Illumi mouth still stuffed.
“What.” A few crumbs flying from his mouth as he talked.
“I said you really shouldn’t lie, women do not like that.” Illumi repeated.
“Illumi what the fuck are you talking about?” Milluki annoyingly asked.
The table stayed silent. The family clearly invested in the conversation. Zenos eyebrow was raised as he shot a glance towards killua silently telling him that this should be interesting. Killua returned the look and sat up now more invested in this discussion.
“I was on your computer and in a chat room you said you were 12 inches to a girl. It’s not possible for a human to be that short. Perhaps some babies but a fully grown human canot be that short.”
The table was silent.
“WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU GOING THROUGH MY SHIT ON MY COMPUTER ILLUMI!?” Milluki yells defensively.
“I needed to look at something on our cameras.”
“I HAVE A PASSWORD HOW DID YOU UNLOCK IT AND YOU STILL DIDNT ANSWER WHY YOU WERE GOING THROUGH MY COMPUTER?!”
“Oh I saw you put your password in 3 years ago. And the tab was already open when I unlocked the computer. But you shouldn’t lie to people. especially about your height. They may think your weak and easy to beat.”
“Illumi you fucking autistic dumbass he was talking about dick size.” Killua states
“Ohhhh. Well you still shouldn’t lie Milluki.” Illumi calmly stated.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT THIS IS DISGUSTING WE SHOULD NOT BE TALKING ABOUT OUR GENITALS AT THE TABLE!!!” Kikyo screamed.
“Well what makes you think I’m lying!?” Milluki yelled.
“Milluki have some self respect you don’t need to lie to make yourself feel better.” Illumi replied.
Kalluto continued eating ignoring the conversation besides her. Alluka looked between Killua, Milluki, and Illumi confused.
“Your just jelous you have a 4 inch penis and I’m 12 inches and your trying to make yourself feel better by bringing be down.” Milluki huffed.
Silva looked like he was contemplating suicide.
“No my penis is 12 1/2 inches.” Illumi claimed
“NO YOUR NOT YOU FUCKING LIAR!!” Milluki yelled
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Kikyo wailed as she ran from the dining table
“No way your 12 inches.” Silva says supprised.
“DAD!?” Killua yells.
“What? I’m just supprised.” Silva says calmly.
Zeno was preying that he would just die of old age right there and now.
“No it’s true I measured last night.” Illumi says.
“Illumi why the fuck were you measuring your dick last night.” Zeno says.
“Hisoka asked. He said it was for buissness reasons.”
“You fucking idiot.” Killua said
“Illumi can you stop being autistic for like 2 seconds!?” Milluki says.
“I’m not autistic.” Illumi claims.
“He’s not autistic, I don’t make mistakes.” Silva stated.
“But you made milluki.” Kalluto chimed in.
“I made one mistake.” Silva said.
“OH SHUT UP KALLUTO!” Milluki screamed.
“Marrying kikyo?” “Marrying mom?” Killua and Zeno said at the same time.
“I should have gotten a vasectomy after Illumi.” Silva said.
“However I refuse to believe any of my children have a bigger cock than me. No way you both are 12 inches im the man of this house therefore there’s no way your bigger than me.” Silva said.
“Fine then lets messure.” Illumi said.
“What no way!” Milluki said.
“Ok fine. Illumi, fat one, Let’s measure so I can prove once and for all I’m the biggest bird.” Silva gets up and milluki and Illumi also get up.
“Ohhh I wana play too! :3” alluka inniocently chimed in.
“FUCK OFF ALLUKA YOU LOST DICK COMPARISON CONTESTS THE SECOND YOU DECIDED TO BE A SHE/HER” milluki yelled.
“:(“
“Alluka. Let’s go eat with the butlers.” Killua said defeated grabbing there plates.
“Kay!” Alluka said.
Zeno and kalluto being the last ones at the table..
“So kiddo have I ever told you about the time your mom dropped baby Illumi off a balcony?” Zeno asks.
Kalluto lifts there head up intrested in the story.
-One hour later-
Killua and alluka come back into the mansion to relax after bugging Tsubone and Gohto. They walked into the living room only to see Silva pouting on his lazyboy chair flicking through the Channels on there giant flat screen tv. Milluki and Illumi on opisite ends of the couch Illumi starring at the tv unfazed, Milluki had his head in his hand refusing to look at anyone he looked so mad Killua almost expected steam to blow out of his ears. Kikyo seemed to calm down as she and kalluto were sitting at a small table in the room crocheting something. Kalluto was staring concerningly at Illumi.
“Hi guys! :D” alluka chimes
“Hi alluka” kalluto says
“Hi alluka” Silva says
“Hi” Illumi says
“Hey…” milluki says
Killua could tell the results of there contest from there expressions.