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Riki didn’t know why, but he was cold. Freezing cold.
His bare arms were covered in goosebumps, and he had to fight to keep his teeth from chattering, as if he’d been dumped over the head with a bucket of icy water. His limbs felt stiff, his joints achy, as if he had a fever—his head hurt, too, actually. Really, really bad. Maybe he was sick?
That would be the only logical reason he felt like this. And so cold. It was summer—wasn’t it? Yes. It was Sunoo’s birthday, tomorrow.
So why was it so cold, and windy? Gray?
He didn’t know where he was. Was he home? When did they get home? Weren’t they still on the road? For what, he couldn’t quite recall. He glanced down, noting the damp, overgrown grass beneath his bare feet. A large, imposing chain link fence stood tall in front of him, leading endlessly in both directions. A cracked sidewalk was guarded by the tightly-coiled links, right beside an empty street. Behind him was nothing but a spacious field dotted with yellow dandelions, stretching on towards nothing.
He looked up; dark, heavy clouds filled the sky, the sun nowhere to be seen. The sharp chill in the air nearly stung his skin, and now he could feel the slight beginnings of rain sprinkling along his hands as he held them out, a few droplets hitting the side of his head, trickling down his cheek, to his neck.
Closing his eyes, he shivered, leaning forward up against the fence, resting his weight on it. His legs hurt so bad, especially his right thigh. He wanted to sit down, but the ground was so wet. When had it gotten so wet? It wasn’t raining that much.
A soft, tinkling giggle rang out through the empty space.
He opened his eyes, feeling them grow wide when he saw a little boy out in the street, his head cocked up towards the sky as he twirled in place, his arms outstretched, as if to try and feel the tiny specks of rain.
Pushing on the fence, he didn’t think much of it as it opened for him easily, as if there wasn’t actually any sort of latch on the gate. He headed right for the boy, his heart pounding, adrenaline kicking in.
“Hey, Kid. You shouldn’t be playin’ in the street,” he called out, stopping right at the edge of the sidewalk, careful to keep his tone calm, unassuming, non-aggressive. Not wanting to scare the kid off, for some reason.
“It’s raining!” The little boy laughed, still twirling in little circles—round and round and round he went. “I can feel it!”
“Yeah, well—come here. You can feel it over here, too,” Riki insisted, more nervous by the second, irritation kicking in as the little boy simply giggled again, ignoring his command.
“I like when it rains! It helps the flowers grow!”
“Right, yeah—it’s good, a li'l bit of rain. Come over here, Kid, would ya? Get outta the street, before a car comes,” he said, his voice a little louder, now, a little more demanding.
The little boy listened that time, a smile on his face as he ran over to the sidewalk, deftly hopping over the many cracks on alternating feet as he made his way towards Riki as if he’d done so a million times, and had the pattern memorized.
“Don’t step on any cracks, Mister! It’s bad luck!” he sing-songed, stopping right in front of him. He crouched down, plucking a couple of the dandelions from the ground, holding them like a tiny bouquet. Riki felt his heart skip a beat when the little boy looked up at him, almond-eyes shining, his smile puffing his cheeks out.
“What’s your name, Mister? My name’s Sunoo, like sunshine!”
His mouth fell open, then closed, a few times. He stared down at the little boy—the tiny Sunoo—looking up at him with stars in his eyes.
“...Riki.”
“Nice to meet you! How old are you, Riki?”
Riki started to answer, and paused. He held his hands out again in front of his face, then looked down at his body. He was tall, almost as tall as the fence behind them. The top of Sunoo’s messy dark hair barely reached his waist. But that didn’t make sense. How was he so much taller, so much older, if this was really his Sunoo? It was, though, it had to be—those eyes.
“I…I don’t…remember…,”
“That’s okay, Mister! Sometimes I forget that I turned eight already! And I mess up and say I’m seven!” Sunoo chirped, bouncing in place. He twisted the heels of his tattered shoes into the sidewalk, the sound of the crumbled concrete and gravel sounding louder than Riki thought it should, echoing out around them in the silence of this empty space.
“What…are you doing, out here? By yourself. And…in the street?” he asked, his brow furrowing when Sunoo simply shrugged up at him, his smile not dimming at all.
“I’m lost, I think!” he answered, looking around for a moment, twisting in circles a few times once again, giggling to himself. Riki huffed, reaching down and stopping the boy by resting his hands on his tiny shoulders. Sunoo grinned, holding out the dandelions, clearly intending for Riki to take them. Riki carefully took one, twisting the fragile stem between his fingers.
“Do you ever get lost, Riki?” he asked, unfazed by the way a stranger was touching him so casually, staring up at Riki with those eyes. They were practically glittering—like tiny galaxies existed in his irises, endless and ever-expanding.
All the time, his mind supplied, as he slowly shook his head, everything about this scene starting to throw him for a loop. He couldn’t shake his nerves, or the overwhelming deja vu washing over him, as tiny Sunoo looked up at him with nothing but hope and the promise of adventure in his big eyes, his palms full of dandelion petals.
“Oh, good! That means I can stick with you, and then I won’t get lost!”
Riki shivered, less to do with the cold, now. He wasn’t really feeling the pain, anymore, either—much too preoccupied with the strange turn of events unfolding before him.
“Yeah. Just. Stick with me, alright?” he breathed out, his words shaky. “Come on, I should—I should get you home, I think.”
“How do you know where I live?” Sunoo asked, squinting. He rocked back and forth on his feet, seemingly unable to stand still, even for a second.
“I…I know yo—your mom,” Riki stuttered out, biting at his lip when Sunoo stilled at that, slowly stepping back away from him and hugging himself, dropping the petals. They drifted to the ground slowly, almost dancing in the cold wind.
“Oh.” He ducked his head, and Riki swore he saw something around the boy flicker.
He wrinkled his nose, belatedly realizing how his words might sound to the younger Sunoo, his mind a little late with taking him back to that time.
Back? Back from when? Was this not the present? No, it couldn’t be. He was older—
“I don’t wanna,” Sunoo pouted, glaring up at Riki before turning on his heels, taking off in the opposite direction.
Riki startled, stuck in place for a moment in shock, before chasing after the boy. As he did so, the pain in his leg suddenly amplified, and his heart began racing, practically beating out of his chest. His head became fuzzy, his vision spotty, and all he could try to focus on was the little boy running away from him. Sunoo was quick, much quicker and harder to catch up to than he really should’ve been, especially considering how much longer Riki’s legs were.
“Wait! Come on, Sun-noo, don’t—I won’t take you back there, just—wait for me!”
“I wanna go to the park!” Sunoo hollered back, swerving to the right, as the road did, seemingly out of nowhere. Riki skidded as he caught himself, nearly stumbling as he followed Sunoo’s quick movements. “I wanna swing!”
“O-okay, we can—we can do that, just—wait for me, alright!”
“Hurry up, Mister!”
Riki cursed under his breath as he kept running, filled with desperation to stay close to the boy, terrified to lose him in this place. It was so empty, but it didn’t feel safe. It felt dangerous, somehow—unsettling. Slightly off, like a mirage. Sunoo was so little, so young—he didn’t know why he’d been alone, before he got there, but Riki felt an overwhelming need to stay with him, now, to protect him.
That gut feeling grew when he realized he was at the park, all of a sudden—the park in their hometown. The play structures were dim, dull, nearly grayed-out, as if the sky was so gray and dark it couldn’t help but cast the heavy shade down onto everything surrounding him. Sunoo was already at the swing set, a pop of color amidst the gray with his pink shirt and blue jeans, plopping down onto one of the seats, giggling as he pushed off.
Riki finally joined him, a little out of breath as he sat down on the swing beside Sunoo, resting a hand on his chest. It hurt, actually—even just sitting there, but especially as he breathed. Right in the center, and the sides, down his ribcage. His lungs burned as he took in a deeper breath, and his throat felt tight, as if his airway was closing off, somehow. He’d never had trouble breathing like this, even when he was at his heaviest with smoking.
God. He could really go for a cigarette, right now.
“What’s wrong, don’t you know how to swing?”
He sucked in a breath the best he could, wincing at the pain, and at little-Sunoo’s words. He looked over, watching as the boy swung back and forth. Back and forth. His black hair, slightly longer now, ruffling in the wind. Back and forth. His tiny legs kicked out forward from his scraped-up knees, and then backwards, keeping his momentum steady and strong. Back and forth. Riki focused on it, and how his heart seemed to start beating in time with the boy’s movements—back and forth. Lub-dub. Back and forth. Lub-dub. Back and forth, lub-dub. Back and forth—
A sharp, stabbing pain ripped through his chest, so sudden and harsh that he leaned forward on instinct, hunching into himself to try and ease the ache. It was so strong he couldn’t even scream, or yell—it sucked all the breath out of him, no air left in his lungs to make a sound with.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“Hurts,” he forced out from his clenched teeth, seeing spots behind his eyelids as he squeezed them shut.
“What happened to you?”
“I don’t—know.”
Riki did his best to breathe through it, tangling his fingers into his hair as he kept his head down, holding onto one of the swing chains for dear life as the pain rippled through him, spreading to his whole body.
He could vaguely feel tiny hands patting his back, then shoving at him, little shocks stinging him where they did so. He opened his eyes, straining to see properly as he turned to look behind him, trying to keep his breathing steady.
Sunoo was frowning, his mouth set in a grimly determined line, as he kept shoving at Riki, the action not doing much at all other than adding to the pains in his body, however small and insignificant they were. The boy groaned, pouting as he continued to shove at the middle of his back, and eventually Riki realized what he was doing.
He was trying to push him forward.
That realization only made his throat tighter, his chest heavier. He internally cursed at the pain wracking through him as he gave himself a tiny push from the wood-chip covered ground below, starting himself into a slow swing. He heard Sunoo cheer behind him, clapping, and his tiny hands kept at Riki’s back, excitedly pushing him each time he swung back to him, his giggle warm and bright.
“Higher! Go higher! You can see everything! You can fly!”
“I—I don’t think so,” Riki chuckled, wincing as he fought through the pain for little-Sunoo's sake, only getting worse each time he kicked his legs out, doing his best to keep himself swinging with the kid's barely-useful pushes.
“You can! I always do! I swing, and get so high up that I think if I jumped off, I would fly away!”
“You—don’t wanna do that. You’ll fall, and—hurt yourself.”
“Is that why you’re hurt? Did you try to fly?”
“N-no,” Riki forced out, gasping for breath as he went a little higher, not even noticing that he was barely kicking anymore, and neither was Sunoo pushing him.
“You should try! Try to fly, see how high you can go!”
“What?” Riki breathed out, his confusion only growing as Sunoo continued to yell out for him to keep trying. Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying—don’t give up, Riki, don’t give up, please—
He reached his peak height, gritting his teeth as he jumped, closing his eyes and listening to Sunoo cry out in jubilation behind him, his voice so far away, so muffled—
He hit the ground, but surprisingly, it didn’t hurt. If anything, all of the pain he’d felt moments ago seemed to dissipate, leaving a sore, generalized ache to his whole body, but nothing that he couldn’t deal with. He stood, dusting off the stray wood chips and dirt from his clothes, blinking when Sunoo ran up to him and pulled at his arm, bouncing.
“You did it, see! I knew you could do it!” He exclaimed, his grip on Riki’s arm tightening. He was a little bit taller than before, Riki quickly took note, his head now at least above his waist.
“Can I hug you?”
Riki tilted his head, nodding, and little-Sunoo wrapped his arms around him, giggling into his stomach.
“I’m so glad you’re here with me! We’ll have lots of fun together, I know it!”
“Lots,” Riki choked out, tears prickling at his bottom lash line as he carefully rested a hand on Sunoo's upper back, gently holding him close.
“Come on! I wanna show you something!”
He let those familiar words wash over him, smothering him in comfort and familiarity, a peaceful nostalgia as he let Sunoo lead him through the park, beneath the tall slides, across the monkey bars, spinning around the merry-go-round, laughing all the while. As unsettling and off-putting Riki had first thought the place to be, it seemed Sunoo felt none of that, laughing and chattering as he led Riki about, completely at ease.
“This is my secret hideout! No one knows about it but me—and now, you! It’s our secret—you can’t tell no one! Ever!” Sunoo fake-whispered as he pulled Riki around the side of the small building that housed the park’s restrooms.
As they turned the corner, Riki was only mildly surprised to see their true, actual hideout—a small clearing in the midst of thick trees, a tiny bubbling creek, and a small shabby shack. He looked behind him; the park was nowhere to be seen.
“Promise you won’t tell?”
“Promise.”
Sunoo plopped onto the ground, where a blanket had been laid out, a little Easter basket full of various snacks resting in the middle.
“We can have a picnic! Are you hungry?”
He wasn’t, actually—he felt maybe he should be. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. But, his stomach was twisting, and felt like there were rocks settling heavy in his gut. He was nauseous, and strangely, felt like he had something stuck in his throat, down to his stomach. He was overly-conscious of his heartbeat, and his breathing—it felt as if he wasn’t even in control of it, anymore. He found this to be the case, realizing he wasn’t taking breaths on his own, and didn’t have to. When he tried to force a breath, it hurt terribly. This nearly made him start panicking, and his head grew fuzzy again, but then he felt Sunoo pat his thigh from where he was sitting, stealing his attention from the disturbing sensation.
“Don’t be scared. I’m here,” he said simply, patting softly, slowly. “Don’t worry. You’ll be alright.”
Riki nodded, sitting carefully, holding back a whine at the sharp pain in his leg as he did so. Sunoo’s voice sounded different again, a little more mature, maybe, but mostly, it lacked the innocent, childlike wonder it held before. A quick assessment of the boy proved this to be accurate; he was still young, much younger than Riki felt. Still small, gangly limbs and eyes and ears too big for his face, but he was markedly older than the boy on the swing only moments ago. This should’ve been strange, but as it was, Riki didn’t feel too strongly about it.
“There’s nothing to be scared of. Not really,” Sunoo continued, picking out the M&M’s from his little pack of trail mix, handing them over to Riki one by one. “I’ll stay here with you, until you get better.”
“Better?”
“Yeonjunie doesn’t think you will. But I know better. I know you, Ki-Ki, you’re a fighter. I won’t give up on you, ‘cuz I know you won’t, either.”
“I…I guess not.”
Sunoo smiled, handing him more of the candies. Riki took them, holding them all in his palm. The dreamlike quality that had previously coated his perception of everything around him thinned out as he looked around, taking in the familiar sight of the hideout they’d spent so much time in. The creek trickled on steadily, bubbling softly, and crickets chirped in the distance, the breeze now much softer, cool, but relieving in the heady, humid warmth of the summer night. He looked up, watching the stars twinkling in the sky, only just less bright than the ones hidden away in Sunoo’s eyes.
“In the morning, they’ll try again. I know you can do it,” Sunoo whispered, his voice carrying through so softly in the wind, as if it had to travel some distance farther than a few inches away. “I know you won’t leave me.”
“...No,” Riki hummed, popping one of the M&M’s into his mouth, finding it hard to taste as the candy shell broke, the chocolate melting on his tongue. “Why would I?”
“I promised you. Whatever I have to do to keep you here, with me. Until you don’t wanna be, any more,” Sunoo sighed, his voice growing strained. “You—you still wanna be, right? You still wanna be here, with me?”
He reached over, taking Riki’s free hand, squeezing tight. Riki squeezed back, but Sunoo didn’t seem to react, picking out the raisins from the bag, setting them down onto the blanket. Neither of them liked raisins much. Riki frowned, uncrossing his legs and pulling his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them.
He wasn’t sure how to answer the other boy. He did like it here. It was so calm, so peaceful. The fear he’d had earlier was gone, leaving only a hint of uncertainty, a twinge of melancholy—but mostly, he felt as if he was home. With Sunoo here with him, like this, in this beautiful, special little hideout that only the both of them knew about.
Yet, something kept nagging at him, tugging right at the back of his mind.
And some of the words Sunoo said only served to make that tugging a little harder to ignore.
“I need you still, Ki-Ki. Can’t you stay a little while longer, for me?”
“I…yeah, I guess I can,” Riki shrugged, blinking—Sunoo reached towards the basket, pulling out two strawberry popsicles, handing him one as he sat down right in front of him this time. Riki’s height still couldn’t be matched, even with them sitting, but Sunoo took up more space on the blanket, now—his hair a cherry red, his features gracing his face more elegantly, his jaw a little sharper, his shoulders a little more broad.
“I really am sorry,” he said under his breath, his voice now deeper, but so, so weary. As if he’d lived quite a few decades more than his appearance suggested. “I’m sorry I dragged you here, with me. I’m sorry I couldn’t take better care of you. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you, enough. And I’m sorry I don’t know what to do, now. I wish I did. I wish you could tell me what to do.”
Riki tilted his head, chewing at his bottom lip as Sunoo teared up, those eyes so shiny, but full of dread, and heartache.
“...It’s not…your fault?” he responded, unsure, as he unwrapped his popsicle, quickly licking up the already-melting juice. He didn’t exactly know what Sunoo was talking about, but surely, whatever it was, it wasn’t that Sunoo had done something to hurt him on purpose. Sunoo would never, could never. This he knew from the very bottom of his heart, from the deepest part of his soul.
Sunoo only watched him, a deep sadness etched on his face, his own popsicle melting and dripping down onto his hand.
“It’s all my fault,” he whispered, so quiet that Riki nearly couldn’t hear him. Sunoo looked down, watching as the juice stained his hands red, melting down until the popsicle stick was left sitting in his palms covered in red. A stark, sick juxtaposition to the boy’s earlier handful of soft, yellow petals.
The air grew cold again, and the wind blew fiercely around them. Sunoo’s red hair ruffled with it, the color ominously matching his palms. The leaves on the trees fluttered, the branches rustling, and the edge of the creek slowly began freezing over. Riki stood, unnerved, dropping the popsicle and hugging himself to try and fight the chill running through him.
“Maybe—maybe we should go home.” His teeth chattered, and the wind howled. “It’s…getting cold—,”
“No!” Sunoo yelled, standing as well, grabbing roughly onto Riki’s arms, staining them with red. “No, you can’t!”
“I—I just—I mean, you can come too—,”
“You can’t!” Sunoo screamed, shoving him back. He felt his back hit a wall, his breath forced out of him from the sudden jolt. Their tiny first apartment in the city was so cramped, the walls just closing in on him by the minute it felt, the leak in the ceiling steadily dripping red onto the molded carpet. With each of his breaths, it dripped, the stain growing bigger as Sunoo cried and cried, the air thick, harder and harder to breathe.
Drip, inhale. Drip, exhale. Drip, inhale. Drip, exhale—
“You can’t leave me!”
Riki leaned against the wall, his breath catching hard in his chest.
Drip, inhale. Drip, exhale—
“You want me to fuckin’ go through this again!?”
“I…I don’t…know, what—,”
“I can’t lose you too, Riki!”
Drip, inhale.
“You’re—you’re scarin’ me, Sun-noo—,”
Drip, exhale.
“Fuck you, Riki! Fuck you, for makin’ me love you so much!”
“I’m—sorry, Sun-noo, I don’t know what—what I did—,”
Drip, inhale. Drip, exhale.
“Please! Please, fuck, please—please Riki,” Sunoo pleaded, dropping to his hands and knees. Red covered the floor, now, seeping deep into the carpet, staining every inch. It smelled like over-ripe, nearly rotting strawberries, and strangely enough, a bit of antiseptic.
“Please what?” he choked out, fear taking hold of him, clutching at his throat, the overwhelming smell clogging his nose. He couldn’t breathe anymore, he couldn’t—he could barely speak, he had no air—
Drip, drip, drip, drip—
“Just a little bit more, Riki, please,” Sunoo cried, dragging his red, sticky fingers through his bleached hair as he bent forward, practically bowing. “Just one more night, please—,”
“I—don’t think—I can,” Riki gasped, reaching out for something, anything to hold. His knees were so weak, his leg hurt like hell, his head was pounding—he could only hear Sunoo crying, sobbing roughly, the wheeze of air trying to make it through his trachea, and the steady drip beside him.
Drip, drip, drip—
“Just one more night. Just one more night, let him—please, one more night—I can’t, I can’t let him go, not yet—not yet. Just one more night—,”
Riki fell to the ground, shards of glass slicing the skin of his face, his arms, digging into his flesh. He could feel his skull splitting, he couldn’t feel his leg, and he couldn’t breathe. It was soaking wet, his clothes quickly becoming waterlogged, and despite his best efforts, he couldn’t move.
“I love you, Ki-Ki, I love you, so much. I love you. I love you more than anything, Darling, I love you so much—I’m so fucking sorry, Riki, I’m so—I love you. Please. Please don’t leave me. Please, please don’t—,”
God, it was so fucking cold. Why was it so damn cold, it was summertime. It was almost Sunoo’s birthday…
“Riki, I can’t—I don’t know how to—do this, without you! I don’t. I can’t, I can’t be here, without you! I’m so sorry, but, I can’t—so please. Please just—please just try, for me. I need you! I need you, don’t you fucking understand!?”
The pain was excruciating. He’d never felt pain like this. Not from the worst beatings from his father, or the worst of the fights he’d found himself in with any stupid fucking asshole that so much as looked at Sunoo the wrong way. Every inch of him burned, or stabbed, or throbbed. Breathing was such a chore. Surely, it would be better to stop trying, now. Surely, he’d tried long enough. Surely, there wasn’t any more he could do. Surely, it was time for him to go.
Surely, Sunoo would understand.
“You’re gonna hate me, if you ever—if you make it out of this—oh, you’ll—you’ll hate me, for doing this. But I—I can’t, Riki, I can’t do it. I can’t tell them to do it. I can’t, Ki-Ki, I need you. I love you so much. I know you wanna go. I know, I can feel it. And I’m so—so sorry, but—I can’t keep that promise. I need you here with me, so, so I can’t let you leave me. I can’t!”
But, he had to. He couldn’t go on like this, with this pain, this struggle to even breathe. Why didn’t Sunoo understand that?
There was no more dripping. There was no more wetness beneath him. His body was stiff, and all he could do was lay there, alone in the middle of this road, staring up at the black sky, the stars dotting it so beautifully.
“One more night. If—if he doesn’t—wake up, tomorrow, or—he can’t breathe, without the tube—then, then—we can—but, please. Just, one more night.”
God, he couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t. It fucking hurt, everything fucking hurt. So fucking bad, didn’t Sunoo realize this? Why was he doing this to him? Why was he torturing him, like this? He couldn’t take one more night.
“I know, Junie. I know, but—I just can’t. Please, just—let me be with him, alone. Just for tonight. I have to tell him—I need to say—I just need to be alone, with him, for this.”
Something warm embraced him, sat him up, held him strong from behind him. Just like that, his pain was gone. He still couldn’t breathe, but that was okay. He didn’t need to.
“I’m so sorry, Ki-Ki. I’m sorry, about yesterday. I’m sorry for yelling at you. They just, they told me, they didn’t think you would ever—and I was so scared—so fucking scared. I still—still am. I’m terrified. I don’t know what—what I’m gonna do, without you. You—you’re my whole life, you know that? My very best friend, my soulmate. My Ki-Ki.”
“He means every word.” A gentle, feminine, slightly raspy voice spoke right beside his ear, sending chills down his spine. He hadn’t heard that voice in so, so long. “I think you should listen to him.”
“I’ll never, ever forget the way you looked at me, on the playground—the day I met you. You were—so small. Sitting all by yourself. I’d never—never seen anyone look…look as lonely as I felt.”
Riki closed his eyes, leaning back. The warmth caught him, caressing his hair, pressing softly to his neck, his shoulder.
“Heather—,”
“Shh. Listen to him, won’t ya, Ricky?”
“I could tell that you...you needed me. And, God, Riki, I needed you, too. You scared me to death, most days. I couldn’t sleep at night, sometimes, after seeing you all bruised—and I’d cry a little bit on the bus on the days you didn’t show up. I was—always, always so fucking scared of losing you, you know. And, now—God. Now, I have to—you have to understand how hard—I’m so sorry, Ki-Ki. I’m so sorry I did this to you. I shouldn’t have. I should’ve let you go, before. But I was scared, and…all I could think was—was that there was no way I could tell them to let you die, when I’d spent—all my life—so scared, and trying my best to—keep you with me.”
Inexplicably, Riki felt a tear trickling down his cheek. A warm touch wiped it away, leaving his skin tingling.
“But, Junie—Junie’s right. I need to let you go. You wouldn’t—wouldn’t want this. I know that. I just…fuck, this is so—this is so fucking—I’m sorry, I didn’t—I told myself, I wouldn’t, cry—you didn’t like—seeing me cry—,”
“I don’t want to listen—,”
“Please, a little more. You need to hear it, before you make your decision.”
“Seeing you like this—kills me. And I know—not, not seeing you anymore is—gonna be so, so much worse. But—I need to let you—let you go. I can’t be selfish, anymore. So. So—you can…you can go, Riki. If you want. You can go.”
“I can?” Riki asked, blinking down at his hands, his legs, finding he could move them, no pain whatsoever.
“You can go, Darling. I’m gonna miss you, so, so fucking—much. Oh my God, I’m gonna—I’ll fucking miss you every day, for the rest of my life, forever—but if you—if you don’t want—to be here. You can leave. I’m gonna let you go, now.”
“Oh.” Riki stood, steady on his feet. That warmth stayed right behind him, wrapping around him like a tight hug.
“You can come with me, if you want,” she whispered, sending his heart into a flutter, skipping a beat or two. “But. Riki, it isn’t really your time, yet. At all. You have to know that. It isn’t your time.”
“But…but I can go? Be with you?”
“If you choose to.”
“I’ll be right here, if you wake up. And—and I’ll be right here, if you don’t. I’ll be right here, either way. And I love you so much, either way. I don’t blame you, if you want to go. I just hope—hope you—wait for me, there. Wherever you go. Because—I’ll spend the rest of my life waiting to see you again, Ki-Ki.”
Riki felt a tug at his core, and the warmth surrounding him dimmed. He looked behind him, the faint outline of a young woman standing an arm’s length away shimmering in the moonlight.
“I’ll be waiting for you both. There’s no rush, Riki. Like I said, it isn’t your time, yet. Go on.”
That tug pulled him forward again, insistent. He dug his heels into the pavement, scared, pain starting to spread through his body once again—milder, now, dim and aching, as if dulled by a strong painkiller.
“But…I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. Very much. But he’ll have to miss both of us, much too soon, if you come with me, right now.”
“If you—if you go, Riki—tell—tell her I said hi, would you? Tell her I miss her, too. Tell her I’m—I’m so, so fucking sorry, for everything. Tell her I love her, too. Tell her I didn’t—I didn’t mean—for any of this, to happen—,”
“I—Heather, I love you. Even, even if—it’s not—the way you wanted me to—,”
“I know, Riki,” she laughed, and the sound filled his heart, flooding through his veins, gently washing away nearly five years worth of pain, anger and resentment. “I know. I always knew. I love you too.”
“I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you can hear me. I hope you know I—don’t want you hurting. That I only want the best, for you. I hope you forgive me, one day. I love you with all of my heart, Ki-Ki. Thank you for being—the best—best friend, I could ever—ever ask for. Thank you for letting me be your friend.”
“Is…is it gonna…hurt?” he asked, letting the tug pull him forward once more, blinking at the harsh, bright light assaulting his eyes.
“Living is always the hard part. Death is the easy part. The pain will let you know you’re alive.”
Riki closed his eyes, shaking his head, his heart aching.
“I love you, Ki-Ki. Goodbye, for now. I’ll see you later—you wait for me, you hear? Don’t you forget to wait for me.”
“Were you…in pain?” he whispered, his voice cracking.
“In my heart, yes. Now, I’m not,” she answered, waving him goodbye. “It wasn’t my time, either, but…that’s why I’m here, now. Telling you not to give up the time you’re meant to have, too.”
“...Thank you,” he breathed out, finding that now, suddenly—he could finally breathe. Deep, and full, his lungs fully expanding. He did it again, relief hitting him like a freight train.
“Bye, for now. See you guys later.”
Riki nodded, waving. He stumbled forward, towards the light, his eyes clenched shut as the brightness increased, flashing pure white for a split second.
❀✿❀
“I’ll always love you. You’ll always be my best friend. I promise you that.”
Riki twitched, trying to open his eyes. It was hard, for some reason. His body was sore, his limbs stiff as if he hadn’t moved for days. He tried to breathe again—and this time, doing so not only sent a sharp pain through his chest, but set off the loudest, most annoying fucking beeping he’d ever heard.
“R-Riki!?”
He did it again, though, irritated by the feeling in his throat. He tried to cough it out, but that was even harder to do than breathing, so he just stuck with that. It didn’t go away, and he groaned—tried to, anyway, the sound coming out more of a muffled whine.
“Riki, fuck—fuck, where’s the fucking button—is anyone out there!? I need—help in here, please!”
God, Sunoo was so fucking loud. Why did he have to yell like that, when he was sleeping? Well, to be fair, there was no way he could go back to sleep like this, not with this fucking thing down his throat—
“Oh, oh God—Ki-Ki, it’s alright, it’s okay—you’re okay—just relax, they’re gonna—gonna help. Oh, my God, I can’t believe—,”
“Is he waking up!?”
“Holy shit—Sunny, what the fuck—,”
“There’s no fucking way—the doctor said—,”
“I don’t know! He just—he just—jumped, and—and he—coughed, and—it sounded like he—tried to talk—,”
Riki sucked in another breath, ignoring the grating beeping that doing so set off, irritated at being talked about by his friends as if he wasn’t right there.
“I swear, he did—,”
“He’s trying to take breaths on his own—that’s why the ventilator’s going off—the doctor’s on his way up—,”
“What, what does that—does that mean he—he could wake up? He doesn’t need the tube?”
“It’s…possible.”
Fully pissed off, now, Riki bit down on the thing in his mouth, and tried to rip it out himself—but he found he couldn’t pull his arms up, something tying him down by his wrists.
“Riki, hey, Riki! Can you hear us?”
“Holy shit, I can’t believe—Riki, you’re gonna be alright, don’t freak out, okay—,”
“Don’t do that, you’ll hurt yourself—,”
He tried to curse, the sound of his voice garbled, unable to form words. He breathed, though, again and again. And it was worth the pain, when he heard Sunoo thanking God and everything under the sun each time he did so.
“Ki-Ki, oh, Sweetheart,” he sniffled, and then Riki felt warmth again, this time only on his neck, and his arm, as Sunoo held onto him, nuzzling in close as he rested his head on his shoulder. “Oh, my God—thank you, thank you, Ki-Ki—I love you, I love you—thank you, thank you for coming back to me—,”
Riki relaxed, his annoyance fading to the back of his mind. He felt the warmth leaving his side, as he was poked and prodded at, a chorus of unfamiliar voices surrounding him, harmonizing with different beeping and buzzing and Sunoo's rough sobbing. After what felt like entirely too fucking long, he felt whatever had been stuck in his throat finally being taken out, and he coughed immediately, taking a couple short, painful breaths.
“Oh, God—oh my God, Junie—,”
“I know—fuck, Sunoo. Jesus. This is—a fuckin’ miracle. If I’ve ever seen one.”
“He’s breathing, holy shit. At least he’s breathing.”
Riki mumbled—tried to, anyway. Again, he couldn’t quite get any words out, but he hoped the tone of his voice was enough. Of course he was fucking breathing. Why wouldn’t he be?
“Jesus Christ. This kid’s gotta be the toughest motherfucker I’ve ever known.”
“Beomgyu!”
“What!? Is that not the fuckin’ truth!?”
“Well—well, yeah. It kinda is.”
“I knew it—I told you, Ki-Ki, I told you you’re a fighter.”
He tried to smirk, but it felt like more of a wince, his face muscles a little hard to control. Actually, all of his muscles—he tried again to pull his arms up, his shoulders not cooperating, and he couldn’t move his legs at all.
This scared him a little, but Sunoo shushed him as he tried to voice his fear, only coming out as short, tiny whines. He patted down Riki's hair so softly, holding his hand tight as he ever had before.
“You’re gonna be just fine, Darling. Whatever you have to do, I know you can do it. You’ll be okay, don’t be scared. I’m gonna be right here. Always.”
He would. Riki knew that, of course he did. Sunoo would always be beside him. It was a universal truth, a simple, undisputed fact of life. No matter what Riki did, no matter where he went, no matter how hard the world tried to tear them apart, he would just have to reach out—
(Riki opened his eyes, slowly, finally, blinking once, twice, to try and adjust to the artificial brightness of the room. Sunoo was right there, his face inches away from his own, his eyes full of unshed tears and the brightest of the stars from the sky, droplets running down his cheeks, trickling as slow and steady as a small, homely stream, his lashes fluttering like the softest, prettiest dandelion petals as he blinked.)
—and there, Sunoo would always be.