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As soon as Nina took a seat on the floor in front of him, Jesper regretted calling her over. Her cheeks were pink from smiling - or, more likely, from being held captive by Matthias - and her lively mood was just too much for the room. It threatened to turn on him, and he couldn’t be filled with that kind of energy right now. Not when he’d just made such a stupid, stupid mistake.
Why did she even need to know, anyway? Jesper was filled with a sudden urge to shoo her out of the cramped bedroom and leave his spinning head to himself. However, if left to his own devices, it would likely end in multiple bullets fired at the hotel wall, his father standing open-mouthed in shame, and Kaz Brekker most certainly trying to kill him. Again. It wasn’t a risk he felt particularly inclined to take.
“Jesper?” Nina wasn’t concerned, at least not yet. That was nice. Her face held an expression of mild confusion, but that was all. She probably thought this had something to do with his fight with Kaz.
“Yeah.” His voice came out rougher than expected, and he rubbed a hand over his mouth before starting again. “Yeah, I’m…” Good? That was a flat-out lie, one that she would easily catch. He suddenly became aware of his racing heart, the beat in line with his pacing steps, and realized that Nina most certainly knew. There’s no way she’d be able to ignore the pounding, the fluttering. The more he tried to calm it down, the more rapidly it grew. Damn it.
He couldn’t take the silence anymore, so he blurted out the truth. “Something happened.” Well, it was more vague than he would have liked, but it was the truth nonetheless. He had to start somewhere.
“I figured as much.” She pulled a lock of hair between her fingers and twisted it around. “Does this have anything to do with the way I saw Wylan storming down the hall?”
Shit. She really did know a lot. Or was piecing it together, at the very least.
“I didn’t say anything to him,” Nina said cautiously. “I just saw him… sulking.”
Wylan? Sulking? That didn’t seem right. Maybe it really had hit the merchling harder than Jesper thought it would. “Are you sure it was -”
“It was Wylan.” Nina’s posture sunk, maybe in fear of being too harsh. “His eyes are brighter than Kuwei’s.” Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why didn’t he think of that? Instead, he had gotten ahead of himself, chasing a hope that wasn’t even real. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to punch the Shu boy in his smug little face. Maybe aim for a black eye, or a bloody nose. He’d definitely be able to tell the difference after that.
“And where was he headed?” Kaz wants us in the sitting room. Wylan’s voice rang out loud and clear in his head, but he wanted to be absolutely sure. Who knew? Maybe he was cowering away from everyone else like Jesper was now, unable to face the group.
“The main room, I believe. Kaz called for us.”
“Of course he calls now.” Jesper said sourly. It hadn’t hit him before that he’d have to return to the sitting room with everyone else. Facing Kaz Brekker sounded like the worst thing he could do right now, besides facing Wylan. The real Wylan, not this odd, irritating imposter.
Nina shifted herself into a more comfortable position, her long skirt bunching up around her in a graceful arc on the ground. She not only looked concerned now, but also slightly amused. “Jesper, what exactly did you do to the poor kid?”
“Nothing! I -”
Nina raised her eyebrows, and Jesper deflated, forcing himself to sit on the bed. “Fine. I thought it was him at the piano.”
“And?”
“I did something stupid.” Jesper was thankful that she didn’t pry further, just let him explain. “Said something stupid, too.” That was it, all he could manage to get out. Anything more would be too much, too soon. He didn’t want to dive in deeper.
A short silence followed, in which Nina said nothing. Jesper stared at her incredulously. “What?” she finally said, her arms crossed over her chest. “I’m not going to judge. Do you know how many times I’ve been horribly stupid to Matthias? To Inej? To friends back at the Little Palace?”
“You had friends at the Little Palace?”
“Don’t act so surprised. I can be incredibly charming when I want to be.”
Jesper had to admit that she had a point. He’d seen her work - not just her Heartrender talents, but also her powerful persuasion and ability to woo a stranger - in action. He had no doubt that if you let Nina loose on the city in her most scandalous dress, she’d have half the merchants under her charm in less than 24 hours, practically throwing kruge into her hands. “What did you do then? When you made a mistake?”
Nina laughed at this, placing her palms on the ground to steady herself. It didn’t feel rude, more like she was laughing at an image suspended in the air, one that only she could see. “Oh, you’re not going to like this.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I just talked to them.” Jesper let out a frustrated huff, one that reminded him of the times he’d seen Nina annoyed. Was she rubbing off on him? That may not be a bad thing. Jesper desperately needed some of those magical social skills right about now.
“I can’t talk to him after that, it was horrible! I haven’t fucked up that badly since I tried to flirt with Kaz!”
Nina’s eyebrows rose even higher. “I’m not going to even ask.”
“Long time ago,” is all the context Jesper decided to give her. Then, without thinking, his brain rerouted. “I kissed him.”
“Kaz? Our Kaz?!” Nina stood up, nearly tripping over her own feet. Jesper felt his face heat up.
“Saints, no! I mean Wylan. Kuwei. At the piano.” She still looked slightly stunned. “Today.” he added, just in case. Was that really just a few minutes ago? It felt like the guilt had been weighing on him for ages.
“I can never say I’ve been in that exact scenario, but…” Nina gathered her skirt in front of her and sat down on the bed next to Jesper, her toes barely touching the floor. “…I have made mistakes. When I was training with the Second Army, I had fallen for someone in a similar position as me. Powerful, but lost. We tried to work together, but she had… different priorities.” Nina balled up a clump of blanket in her fist. Jesper had never seen her so hesitant.
“What happened?”
“I wanted to control what power I had, but she was more intrigued with gaining more. So, while I spent time exploring what I could do, she chased after those who were better.”
“Better than Nina Zenik? Never.” Jesper gasped, trying to lighten the mood. She hit him lightly.
“I could’ve warned her, or even just talked to her more. But all we did was drift apart. Once I left Ravka, I never saw her again.”
“So you have no idea what happened?”
Nina sighed. “Nope.” She shook her head around and sat up straighter, the amusement back on her face. “Not much I can do now. But I think about her still, about what I could’ve said. It’s better to talk about it late than not at all.”
Jesper frowned. “You’re telling me to talk to him.”
He received another hit to the shoulder. “Well of course, silly! That’s the whole point of the story.”
“...How do I start?”
He’d had plenty of experience with apologies, but not in the kind he liked. In the past, they were usually rushed and disheveled, sometimes even slurred with too much drink. An empty promise here, a forgotten vow there. He’d clean it up later, when he had more time. But each gamble with death had brought him further and further away, until he was so swept up in the Dregs that faces he’d once recognized were now just members of the crowd. Another stranger he’d wronged in a way he’d never recall.
Wylan deserved better than that. Better than him.
“What do I say?” Jesper tried again.
“I suggest not planning it too much.” Nina placed a hand on Jesper’s knee, causing it to shudder and go still. He hadn’t even realized it was shaking until it stopped. “If he’s that important to you, you’ll find the right words.”
He is important to me. Before, Jesper wouldn’t have let the thought cross his mind, but it made so much sense now that he couldn’t ignore it. He’d dreamed of Wylan’s eyes more than he cared to admit - of the bright blue they used to be, and how it would feel to run a hand through his curls, along his face. How it would feel to kiss his lips. Each day he was around, the need to be near him grew stronger. It couldn’t end like this. Not without another chance.
“I need to find a way to make things right with him.”
“You will.” She smiled softly, in a way that made his heart suddenly ache. His pistols, his powers, all of his money - he had a sudden urge to give it all up in an instant, if only to have Wylan smile at him like that. “I got the love of my life thrown into Hellgate, swept up into a massive heist, and nearly killed on more than one occasion.” She moved her hand to Jesper’s shoulder. “And we made it through. Granted, it took some time, but there isn’t an obstacle I’ve seen stand in your way before.”
He snorted. “Most obstacles I can just shoot at. Or run from.”
“Then maybe it’s time to learn a new way.”
Another remark should’ve surfaced, but nothing came to Jesper’s mind. Nothing he felt like saying out loud. She’s right. Kaz is right. I can’t keep running.
Jesper shook the thoughts away, and said the only thing that really mattered. “Thank you.” He extended a hand to help her down from the bed, but Nina brushed it away and held out her arms instead, wrapping him in a fierce hug.
“Anytime. Now we really shouldn’t keep Kaz waiting.” At this, Jesper groaned. Nina laughed and squeezed him harder. “Come on.” She slid gracefully off the bed, and he quickly followed, eager to free himself from the cramped space. Had she helped? He thought so. Now instead of a tumbled mess, his mind was filled with only one thought: You can’t run.
No more secrets. No more hiding. He was going to approach the group with his head held high, and afterward, he would find Wylan, set things right, and try again. He could do it. He could work with whatever cards he was dealt - the trick was to play them right.
Play them right. Don’t run.
Whatever happened next was up to him.