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“For the last time, David. Get up, or I’ll have to send in Kanaya to wake you, and you don’t want that, do you?” A voice is sharp, ringing in his ears even from the other side of his hotel room. It’s the mention of Kanaya that finally gets him to sit up, because he may not fear Rose Lalonde, but he certainly fears her partner. They may be built like a lean, beautiful model, but they, unlike Rose, are ruthless enough to pour icy water all over him until he gets up.
Dave Strider sits up in bed, groaning and running his fingers through his disheveled blond hair. His scruffy stubble prickles at his fingers as he drags his hand down his face. “Lalonde, why the shit do you come and wake me at fuck off hours of the mornin’?” He asks tiredly, his Texan drawl low and gravelly from sleep.
“Because you’re too lazy to hire an assistant, David.” She responds smugly, sitting at a little table with her phone, probably editing her latest manuscript or sexting her girlfriend.
“I keep tellin’ you not to call me David, Rosaline.”
“I’ll stop calling you David when you stop acting like a child and actually get your life in order. Stop going from hotel, to movie set, to different hotel. Find a place, find an assistant, find a boyfriend, I don’t care so much about the last one, but the other two are essential. You’re running on empty, Dave, and I can’t see you run yourself into the ground anymore.” Her voice is sharp, but a little bit hurt. It’s obvious that she’s sincere. He doesn’t know what to do with sincerity.
“I… Okay. Fine. I’ll find an assistant, and get an apartment here in Boston. Most of the filmin’ is around here, so I should be close enough to all of the sets.”
“And get a proper home in Houston. Dirk misses home.”
“...I know. He’s not the only one. How’s Roxy doin’? Are they gettin’ along?” He asks, hope lightening his tone a little.
“Of course they are. Any kids of ours will love each other like brother and sister.”
One night, Rosaline Lalonde had arrived at her best friend David Strider’s door, crying and kind of drunk. She admitted that she and Kanaya wanted kids, and so they’d gone to a doctor to look at their chances, and Kanaya, the one who had wanted to carry the children, was barren. It had been a major turning point in their relationship, and Rose had turned to alcohol to numb the pain of the fact that they could never have kids.
Dave, of course, couldn’t stand to see the two of them so miserable, and so he proposed a solution. He would donate some of his sperm, Rose could carry the child to term, and they would all be happy.
It turned out, Dave was pretty damn good at making kids, and instead of one child, Rose had two. Dirk and Roxy were only a few minutes apart, 4 minutes and change, and Dave fell in love with the little boy instantly.
Rose realized she didn’t know what to do with two kids early on in the pregnancy, they had only planned on having one, and Dave provided yet another solution. He adopted Dirk, and though he still lived with Rose, Kanaya and Roxy, whenever Dave was in town, he would take Dirk off their hands, and they would stay together for as long as he could manage. He took his kid to movie sets, down to get coffee, to interviews, he didn’t let Dirk out of his sight the whole time he was there. Rose thought his fatherly instincts were sweet.
“I know. But I’ve gotta worry, I mean, Dirk isn’t… really that social. I figured it might be the same with Roxy.”
“No, Dave, he’s fine. He’s just… not good with people. Like a certain someone that we won’t name.” Rose eyes him, raising a perfectly manicured brow, black painted lips drawn up in a challenging smirk.
“But he’ll get better, right?”
“We can only hope. Maybe if you came around more, he’d come out of his shell a bit more. He’s getting more talkative, he’s got a decent vocabulary for a two year old. He’s got a better one than Roxy, anyway, and she talks all the time.”
“I shoulda guessed, the kid of a writer and a movie producer should be pretty damn good with words.”
“I see you’re dodging the topic again. He needs to see you, David. He misses you, and calling him every night doesn’t change it.” Rose says softly, patting his bare shoulder and sitting beside him.
“I know, Rosaline. I’ll see him in a week or so, once I get this assistant thing sorted. Send out a job offer whatchamacallit, will ya, Rosie? I dunno how that shit works.”
“Of course. You just get up and get ready for work. How much would you be willing to pay your assistant?”
“Like 100 bucks a day? I dunno, how much do people pay assistants?”
“Not that much. Not nearly that much.”
“Eh. I have the money to spare. Put the word out. Not too far out, I don’t want idiots tryin’ to apply. And no chicks. I don’t want my assistant tryin’ to sleep with me for more money or nothin’. An’ I know they’d try. So, just guys.” Dave specifies, raising his brows at her.
“Just guys. Got it. You know they’d still try sleep with you, right?”
“I’m aware. I wouldn’t mind it so much if it were a hot guy, though.”
“And what about non-binary folk?”
“What about ‘em?”
“Would you accept them?”
“Sure I would. Why wouldn’t I? Add that into the specifications. I don’t really give a shit what their gender is so long as they’re not female or tryin’ to bang me for my money.”
“Alright. I think you should seriously consider hiring one. Most really need the money, and with the prejudice towards them nowadays…” She shrugs lightly. “Kanaya is finding it harder and harder to get commissions nowadays, though their clothing line is still selling alright. They think it’ll pass, but.. I’m worried for them.”
Kanaya had come out as bigender a few months back, nearly a year ago now, and despite people outwardly saying they were fine with their favorite designer being nonbinary, far less people flocked to their clothing store. Kanaya pretended that they weren’t hurt by this, but Dave knew they weren’t doing so well with it. They didn’t talk about it anymore, in hopes that it would solve itself.
Dave made sure only to buy his clothing from her, well, his formalwear anyway. They made, tailored and adored his suits personally, and told him how to take care of them. They dressed Dirk up, and he seemed to enjoy it, as far as Dave knew. He always talked about how pretty Kanaya was, and, after a month or two of confusion, even consistently used their proper pronouns. The first time he’d got it right, Kanaya had burst into tears and hugged the little boy, who seemed quite confused by the sudden tears.
But now, everyone seemed quite content with Kanaya’s coming out, except the people who bought the clothes, of course, but that was a minor thing. Everyone that mattered was content with it. But that just made Dave realize how important it would be to people like Kanaya to get a well paying job that was basically just babysitting him.
“I’ll probably hire a guy or a nonbinary person. If they really, really need the money, and they’re good at what they do, they deserve all the money they can get.”
Rose beams at that, hugging him. “Thank you, David. I’m sure Kanaya would truly appreciate it. I’m calling our people now, they’ll round up some people from the agency looking for work. You just get ready to meet with them this afternoon.”
“Will do, Rosie. You give the kids a big ol’ hug from papa and uncle Dave, I’ll be sure to meet these buddin’ assistants. I don’t mind if they’re not perfect at their jobs, so long as they’re entertainin’, call me on my shit and wake me up at the right time of day.”
She hugs him tightly, kissing his stubbled cheek, and he grins at her, wiggling his fingers as she leaves.
He sighs, gets out of bed, and groans softly, padding into the bathroom and stripping before getting into the shower, hoping that the water will wake him up enough that he won’t look like a zombie when he has to interview possible assistants.
---
“Kanaya, I’m not qualified for this!” Karkat Vantas complains, staring down at the job offer that his friend was holding out to him.
“Of course you are, dear. You just need to babysit my partner’s friend and keep his appointments in check. You get to travel, he pays for the room, and it’s pretty decent pay, you can’t just turn it down.”
“I can. And I probably will.”
“100 dollars a day, Karkat. You can’t tell me you don’t need that money.”
“....Okay. I’ll go in. Just… don’t make it out like I’m only here because I’m your friend and guaranteed to get the job. I would rather Mr. Strider didn’t take me on because of pity.”
“David would never do that. Well. He might, but I won’t tell him a thing.”
“..Okay. Right. Do I look okay? Is my hair too much of a mess? I tried to make it look nice when you called, but it looks too… feminine. Does it?”
“It looks perfect, Karkat, it suits you. Just button up that shirt one more, then unbutton the bottom one. Untuck your shirt, tuck the pockets in, and try not to slouch. Dave won’t mind what you look like, or what you identify as, so long as you aren’t a woman or trying to sleep with him. And I quote that, from Dave himself.”
“Right. I’ll just… go now. You… say hi to Rose for me, okay?” He says nervously, getting out of the car and looking at the little building where Mr. Strider had planned to conduct his interviews. He could do this.
----
“So, your resume says you identify as genderfluid, is that right?” Dave asks, looking at the person across from him, who is currently fidgeting nervously and nodding.
“Yep. Been out for about… a year and a half, now.”
“And what pronouns would you prefer I used? Wouldn’t wanna get it wrong and upset you.”
“Just he/him works for me, as a whole. It’s simpler.” He murmurs. He used to use they/them, but it made people laugh and ask whether he was more than one person since he went by ‘they’, so he used masculine pronouns as he most often presented as masculine.
“Alright. And…. a Ms. Porrim Maryam is your main reference? Didn’t think I’d be callin’ her any time soon. Haven’t spoken to her in months now.” He smirks, taking out his mobile and calling a number on speed dial. Karkat’s brows raise at how familiar Mr. Strider must be with the Maryams. Of course, he knew Dave and Kanaya were close, but he didn’t know he was close with all of them.
“Good mornin’ to you, Porrim, darlin’, I know it’s probably not the best time for ya right now, what with the show and all, but I wanted to get your opinion on Mr. Vantas. See, I’m lookin’ for an assistant, and… yeah… mhmm.. I thought so myself… really? Huh… Alrighty, thanks ever so much. You have a good day now… sure, I promise, drinks on Friday? Alright, good. Yep. We’ll talk soon, darlin’. Thanks a bunch.”
He hangs up, smiling slightly and raising his brow at Karkat. “So.”
“...So?” Karkat asks, a little curious, a lot hesitant.
“How do you feel about babysittin’ a shitty movie producer?” He asks cheekily, grin wide.
“I’m… all for it. Thank you so much, Mr. Strider. This really means a lot to me, you have no id-”
“I have a fair idea. Mr. Vantas. You can call me Dave. Not David, just Dave. Or D, or Strider, or fuckface with the shades, or that one guy with the rakish grin, or-”
“Okay, I get it! Right. So, what’s your schedule?”
“Oh, never mind that, let’s go.” Dave stands.
Karkat stands as well, looking baffled. “But… keeping your schedule in check is my job.”
“Yeah, but I’ve gotta get you one of those crazy smartphones to keep that shit running. Let’s go get one. And then get you some better clothes. I’m sure you already know Kanaya, so she’ll hook us up no problem.”
“...Alright then. Um… thanks, Dave.”
“Don’t sweat it, Vantas. Let’s go.”
---
“David Strider, get your ass out of this bed before I dunk this hand in warm water. You know I’ll do it, I’ve done it before.”
Karkat’s voice is sharp, and it makes Dave’s eyes fly open, thankful that his shades have been left on. He’s still not sure he wants Karkat to see those yet.
“Ugh, c’mon, Kat, don’ make me get up, I thought I didn’t have any filmin’ stuff to do today.”
“You don’t. We’re going to pay Rose and Kanaya a visit. Their request, not mine.”
“Oh. Right.” He quickly hops out of bed. “You think I should shave today?”
“No, I don’t think they’ll mind.”
“Alright. What clothing?”
“Black slacks, black t-shirt, that red hoodie. And whatever sneakers you have.”
“I can always count on you, Kat. Can you go grab me a coffee while I change? I’ll meet you out front.”
“Alright. But if you go back to bed, I’m pouring the coffee on your pretty face.”
“As if I’d go back to bed, I get to see my kid today.”
“You… have a child?” Karkat sounds quite confused, though Dave can’t see the matching expression as he’s pulling a shirt over his head.
“Yep. Little boy. Technically, he’s Roxy’s brother, and therefore Rose and Kanaya’s, but I… kinda asked for custody of him. Little bastard made me love him.”
“....I’ll get your coffee. Meet me out there in 15 minutes.”
---
“There you are, you two. Thank you for accompanying David here, Karkat, you’re always welcome in our home.” Rose says graciously, stepping back to let the two in, Roxy clinging to her side and staring at Karkat warily.
Dave is looking around anxiously, and then suddenly, his face simply lights up and Karkat turns to see a little boy, only a few years old, toddling out of the hall and brightening the same way Dave did.
“Dad!” The little boy squeals, racing over in time for Dave to catch him and pull him into his arms, spinning him around and kissing his pale blond hair.
“Hey there, Dirk, you’ve gotten so big, haven’t ya, kiddo? You’re gonna be as big and tall as your papa is soon, ain’t ya?”
“Mhmm! Aunty Kan says they’re gonna feed me all kinda milk and tall stuff! I’m gonna be big and tall and cool like you.” Dirk nods seriously, his astonishingly orange eyes twinkling with mirth.
Karkat stands by awkwardly until Dirk points at him. “Dad, who that?”
“My friend, Karkat. You wanna say hi, Karkat?”
Karkat perks up at the introduction, astonished to be introduced as a friend, not an assistant. “Uh. Hi. I’m Karkat, I work with your dad.”
“Dad, gimme to beep meow. I wanna say hello.” Dirk orders.
Dave smirks and passes him over, Karkat fumbling only a little bit as he holds the chubby child in his arms.
Dirk looks at Karkat head on, frowning at him seriously and poking his face at various intervals. Then he says thoughtfully, “If you hurt my daddy, I’ll have to chop your hand off with my ninja skills.”
Karkat smiles softly. “I wouldn’t hurt him, he’s pretty capable of tripping over enough shit to hurt himself. But I’ll keep that in mind, Mr. Strider.”
“Oh, you can call me Dirk, everyone does. Thanks for being cool though. I like you, I think. You can stay.”
“Thanks for being so gracious,” Karkat says with a snort, and Dirk just nods, smiling at him.
Dave watches the two, eyes widening as he realizes that he could really get used to seeing this every day. He could get used to seeing Karkat every day, not just in his working hours.
Well, shit. He was probably in love with his assistant. This could be fun.