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Carlos stares ahead at the wall, not seeing anything in front of him. He’s been sitting there for hours since they came home from the funeral. He doesn’t have the strength to do anything else. He barely notices when TK sits beside him and takes his hand firmly in his, squeezing it to provide comfort.
His father was murdered. There is no comfort to be found.
There are still so many words left unsaid, things that Carlos knows he needs to say, and now it’s too late. Issues that needed to be resolved, feelings that needed to be hashed out, and trauma that needed to be talked about. They were all words that always got stuck in his throat and couldn’t get past the years of expectations of being a proper man and not coming off as “too soft.” Words that he’s never going to be able to tell his father now. The good and the bad are still locked up inside of Carlos. He’s not sure if they’ll ever find their way out.
For so long, Carlos has tried to be someone his father could be proud of, and it wasn’t until recent years, when TK came into his life, that he could find out just how proud of him his father was. It wasn’t until after TK that he heard his father tell him he was proud of him. Carlos cherished those words and had sought after them his entire life, and now he wonders if he ever deserved to hear them. With the chasm of emotions and feelings that’s opened up inside of him, he doubts that his father should have been proud of him. There was just too much left unsaid that Carlos should have said, that he thought he would have more time to say, making him doubt that his father would have continued to be proud of him.
He feels a tear roll down his cheek but doesn’t make a move to wipe it away. It’s not the first one he’s shed today, and he knows it won’t be the last. He hasn’t been able to put a cap on his emotions the entire day. He’s been unsteady and shaky, each worried glance and look of pity that was tossed his way, clawing at his heart until it was left feeling raw and open, made sure of that. Even TK’s gentle touches and soft words felt to be too much, but he let TK try to comfort him for both their sakes. He couldn’t shut TK out, or at least he was trying not to. TK didn’t deserve to be shut out and pushed aside into the cold and left to watch Carlos fall apart.
“Talk to me,” TK pleads softly, his voice cutting through the thoughts clouding Carlos's mind. Carlos turns his head and looks at the man he loves. The soft, wonderful man had stayed home from work to be by his side when TK needed him the most. He may have been forced to by Tommy; Carlos is sure TK told him, but Carlos hadn't heard him.
“We need to postpone the wedding,” Carlos says, surprising himself with the words as much as he surprises TK. The thought had been itching at the back of his mind but he hadn’t made plans to say it out loud. He hadn’t made plans to watch TK’s heartbreak in front of him and be covered up with a look of understanding.
“I know,” TK says softly. Carlos wishes he wouldn’t. He selfishly wishes TK would get mad and demand they go forward with the wedding , so he can feel something other than the mind-numbing pain that’s consumed him. “I would never expect you to go on with it after losing your father like this. It’s unfair to you…”
TK’s voice breaks and Carlos hates it.
“I still want to marry you,” Carlos says because he needs to. He needs TK to know he still wants him, that even though he’s asking to put a hold on the wedding there will be a day they get married. He’s not sure when that will happen but he knows in his heart it will. TK is his soulmate, and he’s not going to live without him by his side.
TK squeezes his hand. “Baby you don’t have to explain anything, okay? I’m right here. I see you. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, even if you don’t want to be.”
“TK-” Carlos starts, his voice breaking on the ‘ k’. Another rush of emotion comes over him. He lets out a soft sound, and then he’s crying again.
“Come here,” TK says softly, reaching out and cupping the back of Carlos’ neck. He pulls Carlos in, guiding his head to his neck.
Carlos lets out a shuddering breath, and tears well up in his eyes, collecting on his eyelashes before they start to fall, splashing on TK’s neck and soaking into his shirt. Sometimes Carlos hates how understanding TK has become. TK doesn't blow a fuse anymore or pick fights or run out in the night when he's had enough of Carlos's bullshit. He sits. He listens. He talks. Most of the time that’s what Carlos needs, but Carlos feels so much pain right now, he’d rather TK get get angry and shout . Carlos is half tempted to pick a fight, but he can’t get the words past his lips or find it in himself to do so.
So he cries. He sobs in TK’s arms, gripping his biceps tight to keep him close as if he’d melt away if Carlos let go. TK holds him through it, rubbing his back with the hand that’s not wrapped tightly around the back of his neck, whispering words into his ear. Carlos doesn't really hear them but they still bring some comfort. Carlos cries until his eyes ache and dry up. He cries until he feels like he can’t anymore, no matter how much his body still wants to. He cries until his voice is hoarse, and his body is sore from sitting in the same place.
As the tears dry on his face Carlos promises himself this will be the last time he cries like this. The last time he lets himself fall apart so completely.
When TK pushes Carlos's face back, Carlos averts his eyes, , not wanting TK to see the absolute numbing pain in them. TK doesn’t let him do that though; he grips Carlos’ chin lightly in his fingers and turns his head until Carlos is forced to look at him. Carlos braces himself for whatever TK will say, but then TK doesn’t say anything. He just looks at Carlos and whatever he sees, he accepts it.
Carlos watches as TK stands, wondering what he’s going to do. TK holds out a hand and Carlos takes it, allowing TK to pull him up and lead him into the bathroom. Neither one of them says anything as TK starts undressing Carlos. On any normal day, Carlos would protest and push TK’s hands away in favor of taking care of him instead. Tonight, Carlos accepts it. He’s too tired to fight against anything right now. He lets his arms hang heavy by his sides and doesn’t attempt to help TK in the process.
There’s something soothing in allowing himself to be cared for by the person he loves most in the world - something he rarely indulges in. He closes his eyes and focuses on TK’s touch. TK’s hands are so soft against his body, fingers brushing his body as he takes his clothes off. Carlos hears them land in a soft pile on the floor, but he can’t bring himself to care that they’re making a mess. It takes longer than it should for TK to undress him , but Carlos doesn’t mind. TK does it with such care that it feels nice.
“In the shower for me baby,” TK says softly.
Carlos opens his eyes and watches as TK slides the door open and turns the water on. Carlos steps in, under the spray of hot water, and lets out a deep sigh. The water soothes his sore muscles but does nothing to soothe his broken heart.
TK steps in moments later, immediately reaching for Carlos. He pushes Carlos further under the spray of hot water and runs his fingers through Carlos’ hair. Carlos's eyes fall shut, and he and he lets out a soft noise as TK starts to massage his head, making sure each strand is wet. He pouts slightly when TK pulls his hands away, but then he hears the click of the shampoo bottle, and TK’s fingers are back in his hair, massaging the shampoo into his wild curls.
He tilts his head back so that TK has better access to reach and lets TK take care of him. Carlos can not remember the last time he allowed TK to take care of him like this. It makes him feel guilty for needing this, but he tells himself that TK is doing what he wants, and if he protests, TK won’t hear a word of it.
“TK-” He starts even though he doesn’t know what he’s going to say. He feels like he needs to say something.
“Shh,” TK cuts him off and then presses his lips against Carlos's shoulder. . “You don’t have to say anything, baby. Just let me take care of you.”
Carlos nods, the lump in his throat returning. “Okay.”
TK rinses the soap out of his hair and then turns Carlos around. Carlos looks at him and watches how carefully TK handles him. TK grabs the body soap they’ve taken to sharing and pours some of the liquid onto his hands before he rubs them on Carlos’ body. On most normal days, TK’s soapy hands lathering up his body and touching every inch of him would send hot sparks of arousal down his spine, and make his cock thicken. They’d be pawing at each other before either of them could get clean. But not tonight. Tonight there are no flickers of arousal. His cock stays soft and hangs between his legs, and there’s no pushing each other into the shower walls and kissing the other until they’re both breathless.
Tonight, TK’s soft touch is comforting, grounding Carlos so he doesn't get lost in his head again, thinking about the words he should have said to his father. Words he thought he’d have more time saying.
“I know this hurts,” TK says softly as he pushes Carlos back under the hot water to rinse him off. “But it won’t always be like this.”
If anyone knows that, it’s TK. Just a year earlier they were here with roles reversed because TK lost his mother. It’s another tragic thing that they share, that both know so intimately they know the other is telling the truth when they speak on it. First, it was being held against their will, now it’s the death of a parent.
“I know.” Carlos rasps.
TK nods and reaches behind them to shut the water off. TK steps out first and then turns offering his hand to Carlos which he takes and steps out. TK grabs a towel and dries himself off first, quickly, and then dries Carlos off before picking up their clothes and putting them in the hamper along with the towel.
They make their way into the bedroom and Carlos shakes his head when TK tries to offer him pajamas. He’s too tired to get dressed again. Instead, he climbs into bed naked and waits as TK puts his pajamas on before climbing into bed. He's run so much colder since having hypothermia and can't stand to go to bed without something on TK lays on his back and Carlos moves so that he can lay on TK’s chest and be held.
For the longest time, no words are said but they both know each other are awake. Carlos is lost in his own thoughts, and TK stays up in case Carlos needs him.
“Do you think he knew that I was proud of him?” Carlos asks softly. “That despite everything that’s gone on - that even though we didn’t have the best relationships - I was still thankful that he was my dad?”
“I do think he knew that,” TK says as he rubs his back. “You told me you told him as much when you asked him to be your best man.”
Carlos doesn’t miss how TK’s voice breaks on ‘best man’ .
“That’s a pretty big honor to give someone,” TK continues. “I’m sure he knew how you felt and that you loved him. Your relationship was complicated, but it wasn’t without love and respect.”
Carlos hopes that’s true. He knows the relationship he had with his father was rocky for most of his life, but i n the past few years, it had started to get better because of TK and the gap TK help him bridge. It still wasn’t enough for them to fully find common ground and heal the years of hurt, but Carlos had assumed there would be more time.
“There’s so much I never got to say,” Carlos says as another tear rolls down his face. “I thought I’d have more time. I never thought… How’d you handle this TK?”
“I had you,” TK says, voice still soft. “You helped in so many ways that I don’t think you realized. I almost made so many mistakes during those first couple of days, but I had you and thinking about you… it kept me going. I’m here for you Carlos, I always will be.”
Carlos’ tightens his fingers around TK’s hip for a moment because words are failing him. He tells himself that as long as he has TK, he can get through this.
And he will, but not before losing himself in a different way than TK had the year before.