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There was once a vampire named Seth Rogen. Seth got turned into a vampire at his bar mitzvah- or should I say bat-mitzvah! Ha! Anyway, Seth usually got blood from his dealer, who was actually a serial killer; but we'll get back to that.
One day, Seth met a beautiful vampire named Gerard Way. They became besties very fast. One bright, sunny day, Gerard had Seth over at his apartment. They smoked a ton of weed, as hotboxing a coffin was one of their favorite activities to do together.
However, as Seth got out the rolling papers again, he heard Gerard's sweet voice yell out. he flew to the other room. Upon arriving, he saw Gerard's gorgeous face contorted into one of melancholy. "What's wrong, darling?", Seth asked with worry. "We're out of weed!" Gerard wailed out. Seth froze in terror, realizing what that meant.
Unfortunately, their dealer was only available via fax machine. The nearest fax machine was at the library, meaning they would have to leave the safety of their apartment and brave the summery day. Gerard began to weep into his palms, how could he live in this cold, bright world without any of that sweet, sweet devil's lettuce?
Seth frowned, gently cupping Gerard's soft features in his calloused hands. "Don't worry," Seth said, "We'll find a way." But how would they survive in this warm, sunny wasteland?
As they sat and pondered what they would do, they heard muffled noises at their door. "Gerard, it's me, Mikey. Let me in, brother."
Seth and Gerard hid behind the plant. "Come in, brother." The door swung open, Mikey posing like a slutty model in his thigh-high hooker boots (he had just got off of work)
"Brother, what's with the unexpected visit?" Gerard inquired.
"I'm just checking on you brother." Mikey replied, "I brought Frank with me too."
Frank then sprinted into the apartment and immediately tore away his glittery red tearaway pants to piss in nearest pot plant.
"Frank, what have we told you about marking your territory?!" Mikey scolded as he vogued into the apartment.
Frank, a werewolf, didn't care about the rules when Seth was involved. He was wildly jealous of Gerard, for dating Seth.
He growled at Mikey, and bared his teeth.
"Hey guys, what's goin' on" Ray asked as he walked into the apartment, canned laughter filling the studio.
"Frank keeps marking his territory! How hard is it to house train a werewolf?!" Mikey exclaimed as he death-dropped to the gods.
Ray glanced around the apartment, Seth & Gerard were hiding behind the pot plant, because it was still light out and the door was open, Frank had no pants on and was pissing in said plant. Michael James Way, all the while was on the floor, doing his floorwork routine, obviously upset that a werewolf was pissing in his vampire brother's pot plant.
Ray sighed deeply, and then put his damn head through the wall to the audience's amusement.
"Jesus Christ, ok, Frank!!! Get out of the plant! This is Gerard's apartment, not yours!" Ray exclaimed to the audience's applause.
At this, Frank got more than angry, he got FURIOUS! He walked right up to Gerard, shifted into his wolf form, and decked him right in the head. He was fully prepared to fight over Seth.
Ray shut the door quickly as the audience went wild. As Seth came out from behind the plant, Gerard started retaliating. Making his brother even more distressed, seeing as he started duckwalking around the apartment and gasping. Ray, meanwhile, was DESPARATELY trying to break up the fight.
The audience was begging for more.
Unfortunately, they wouldn't be getting it, as Gerard delivered a punch that would knock Frank flat the fuck out.
So NOW, they were all standing in the living room, Frank knocked unconscious, Gerard panting and looking kinda sexy to Seth (who was crying moments earlier, fearing for the light of his life), Ray with his head in his hand, was running his fingers through his hair. Michael Way continuing to do his duckwalk-vogue routine.
"Are you OK, brother?!" Mikey asked as he vogued over to Gerard. "Brother, why did you bring your werewolf to my apartment when he isn't even trained yet?" Gerard barked out, running to comfort Seth.
"I apologize, brother. I didn't think he would be much trouble, seeing as he's still a puppy." Mikey replied shyly, kicking his slutty leg in shame.
"Brother! Seth could've gotten hurt!" Gerard scolded as Seth calmed down, clutching Gerard's side. Seth took a deep breath. "Ray, what is going on?", he asked as Gerard argued with his brother.
"Fuck if I know!" Ray exclaimed, clearly losing his patience as the audience chuckled.
Seth wiped his eyes and turned to Gerard.
"Next time, call first!" Gerard concluded. Mikey nodded, and pursed his slutty lips.
"Gerard," Seth hummed, "We have to get back to the plot."
"Yes, honey" Gerard crooned. "Mikey, brother, we're out of weed and our dealer is only available by fax machine."
"Why would a dealer only use fax machine?!" Ray groaned as the audience cackled.
"We try not to ask questions with this guy." Seth explained. Ray hung his damn head because OF COURSE these vampires didn't ask questions to their dealer who was only available via fax machine. Why would they? His grip on reality was slipping.
"Anyway," Gerard continued, "The fax machine is at the library, which isn't open at dark tonight."
"We need to find someway to get to the library without dying."
"I see", Mikey noted, "Well, I can call my pimp to give you a ride, he has tinted windows in his car. I should know." Mikey finished with a sigh.
"Michael, how are you not pregnant?", Gerard asked, pulling a face.
"You can get pregnant?!!" Ray shrieked as he went pale. The audience ooed as if someone was getting in trouble.
"I have an IUD, brother! Geez!" Mikey replied indignantly. "Now, do you want the ride or not?"
"YES!" Seth and Gerard shouted in unison. "Please!" Seth begged.
"OK! I'll be right back!" Mikey grinned as he pulled out his flip phone and vogued out the room.
"Oh my God! Gerard! How are we going to get into the car? It's still day out! Seth questioned.
Gerard looked to Frank's unconscious body, which was still half naked from the waist down.
"Get his pants"
*************************************
After a suspiciously long phone call, Mikey vogued back in the room. "He'll be here in 10 minutes."
Frank's pants were back on and Ray was pacing the room. "I don't even know if I can make this trip" he said. And he was telling the truth, but not because of the imminent danger, because he wasn't sure he wanted to be the one to witness these two vampires catch a ride from one of their brother's pimp, so they could go to the library and use the fax machine to contact their weed dealer. He wasn't sure his sanity could make it. But the audience just laughed at his apparent struggles.
"You don't have to go if you don't want to, Ray." Seth supplied to his friend.
"Thank God!" Ray screamed to whatever entity was looking out for him. "I'll call!", he shouted as he left the apartment to the audience's cheers and claps, as well as his theme music.
A couple minutes later, Mikey's pimp arrived and using Frank's body as a human (or really, werewolf) shield, they exited the apartment and got into Pete Wentz' car. Pete was wearing black overalls and a red, plaid shirt. Mikey immediately crawled in his lap and threw his arms around Pete's neck. "Thanks for coming on such short notice." Mikey purred.
"Anything for you, love" Pete murmured, putting his hands on Mikey's waist. Mikey blushed and giggled behind his hand.
Gerard rolled his eyes, somehow not realizing Seth was in the same position in his lap. Frank was on the floor.
As they rode to the library, Seth tried to make small talk.
"So, Pete, how did you get into this industry?"
"Well," Pete started, "in 1997, I had a grilled cheese..."
Silence filled the car.
"Um, OK..." Seth finally said.
"It ain't much, but it's honest work." Pete said as he pulled on his magenta leopard print trucker hat with gold trim.
"Got it" Seth supplied, even though he did not have it.
A few minutes later, they arrived at the library.
As they reached the building, Frank woke up.
It all happened so fast, Seth could barely recall all the details.
Seth was in the shade, but as Frank woke up, he smelled a chili dog cart. While Gerard was still in the sun, Frank sprinted towards the cart.
Seth froze, Gerard looked at his hands before ripping his shirt off; revealing his abs, which complimented his perky nipples.
Everything was so shiny, Seth could barely see it. Everything was glittery; but not all that glitters is gold.
Gerard then faceplanted into the concrete.
Seth screamed in agony, the light of his life was gone. He ran into the library, into the bathroom. He started to sob; what would he do now? Gerard was his light, his sunshine, his love. Now he was gone. Was it really worth it? Was buying weed worth his other half?
Hanging his head in guilty shame, he went to the fax machine and ordered lots of dope. He was going to need it for the night ahead.
As he was waiting for the dealer to arrive, he got another fax:
"Hey, I left the stuff with Gerard out front. Peace."
What? Could he not see that Gerard was dead? He peeked out the door, and saw Gerard. He was standing up?! And talking to the dealer?!
Seth rushed outside (to the shade of course) and called out. "Gerard! Baby, how are you alive?!"
Gerard rushed over and wrapped his arms around his lover. He kissed him passionately.
They both wished that kiss would last forever.
As they pulled away panting, yearning for more, they both realized they couldn't live a second of their immortal lives without each other.
"Gerard will you marry me?" Seth asked.
"YES! A MILLION TIMES, YES!" Gerard responded with unrestrained joy.
"Wait, How ARE you alive?" Seth pondered aloud.
"Oh! I've been zombified!" His fiance responded with a grin.
The redhead had to grin as well, his (now zombie) lover was here in his arms, they had weed, they were engaged.
Life had never been so bright.
---
They stole an umbrella, which they shared, to get back to the car. When they got back in, they shared the news.
"Oh my goodness, brother! That's amazing news!" Mikey gasped. Pete's hands tightened around Mikey's waist as he congratulated them.
Seth felt that maybe his and Gerard's wedding would be followed by theirs, but he didn't want to say anything to make it awkward.
They all drove to the apartment in a comfortable silence.
Once Gerard and Seth were dropped off, they went to their apartment and rolled one in celebration. They smoked it, and after the looooong night, they curled up in the coffin, wrapped up in each others loving embrace.
It was dope.
*Cue Ocean Man by Ween*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcaPiiFZu2o