Chapter Text
Buggy had a bad life.
And at least when he was alone, with the night watching over him, he could acknowledge that.
And he also could say, without hesitation, that he lived longer than he was supposed to.
He lived long enough to see the first ever Pirate king’s fall (His father in all but blood) and he lived long enough to see the second Pirate king with his smiles and glory (The son of his childhood friend, in all but blood- of his nakama.). So when death came to his door asking for him in the form of a pirate holding the gun with kairoseki bullets to Buggy’s first mate’s head, he mentally welcomed it with all the grace of an exhausted man.
In the end, he had many regrets, if he was being honest with himself.
His first regret was Shanks, but he didn’t know if he was regretting ever meeting him or if he was regretting not being with him until their last moment.
But he was scared, at the time, right after they watched their captain’s death and Shanks asked (begged) him to be a part of his crew - Buggy was frightened. Scared of all the monsters he unknowingly surrounded himself with and all the monsters or emperors that would screw him over if he ever, ever let a king in his heart again.
Because Buggy never really understood his captain like the others on their ship seemed to understand. He never looked at his eyes that screamed possessive rage and let himself think of other things instead of: “Ah, he is the king of the monsters.” But for all that counted, he loved him, just like the touch starved kid he was. Maybe even loved him too much for his own good.
But Roger was kind in ways that Buggy was never familiar with. He would pat their hair when they did something good and would hug or laugh with them if they got themselves in trouble. It was so different from the streets, from the curses and kicks. From all the things young Buggy would associate with grown men.
And besides all that shit, who would dare to not love Roger when he makes up his mind about loving them? His loud laughs, his childishness on unimportant things, his smile when he says ‘I got this!’, all his lovable personality he only showed when he was with his ‘special people’. ( Ignoring he would always take, take and take-.)
Buggy was in awe of him and even with that he always knew that it was a losing battle.
Because Roger was different when his feelings were at the top, either it be happiness or anger or even fondness. His gaze would fill with want and hunger- all the things Buggy started to associate with Kings and emperors. And yeah, maybe it was not harmful to them, to their Nakama. But Buggy hated to be on the receiving end of a monster’s gaze, even if the only thing that gaze did was scream ‘Mine- mine- mine-mine’. like a greedy man looking at his treasure.
Shanks would always seem happy when he was the receiving end of that gaze but to Buggy it was frightening.
Because Buggy was not a monster, never wanted to be one of them, never wanted to laugh until the screams of ‘no!’ turned into ‘okay.’ like other monsters seemed to like to do. Because that acceptance it’s what you do when someone doesn’t care about your opinion, just wants you to be theirs to love, theirs to raise, theirs to thrive. Buggy would know, would always remember. After all that was what his monster of a Captain did to them, him and Shanks. He laughed and laughed and never took no as an answer.
Never even give them the choice really.
And maybe Shanks understands his Captain more than him, maybe because of that he easily forgot how that love once felt like a cage. Maybe he can wrap his mind around that selfishness and think ‘Ah, I wanna be like him!’ but Buggy can’t.
And Buggy loves his captain with all his heart, he is his Captain after all. Loves his fond smiles and soothing voice, loves his words, loves his actions, loves his haki signature… Buggy loves him. Just like a father he never gets to have.
But once, he loved him like a prisoner loving his captor, because he can’t escape, because they don’t want him to. Because a D.’s will is always stronger than any chains and their gaze is stronger than any threats.
(And maybe years later, when he heard just how Ace was ‘adopted’ by Whitebeard, when he heard how desperately he fought for freedom for hundred days from Marco’s drunk mumbles- if he seethed and cursed and punched, nobody needed to know. All they needed to know was Ace was his Captain’s son and nobody had the right to make him feel that defeated.)
Buggy would rather die in pain than to be like him for even a second.
Shanks was too similar to Roger for Buggy’s comfort. Their laugh carried the familiar feeling of recklessness, their swordsmanship carried the same blood seeking feeling, and their gaze when they looked at something they wanted carried the same hunger.
And Buggy adores Shanks,he really really does, he is red to Buggy’s blue, he is energy to Buggy’s calm, and he is the laughter to Buggy’s bad days.
And maybe that’s the problem.
Because Buggy is not a king, never will be- and Shanks has the potential to be Buggy’s king if he ever lets him.
And Buggy would never.
So he makes a choice and a promise. In Loguetown, he looks at the child he was raised with, lets his eyes linger on the desperate want in his gaze and says: “I would never.”
And maybe he doesn’t regret the promise, because he would never, but sometimes he regrets choosing to never get in contact with him on purpose.
He regrets leaving him all alone.
Because yeah, everything would be so much better if he never met him in the first place- but that’s too far back to truly regret it.
His first regret about his life was Shanks. (And even though he sometimes feared their Captain, he would never manage to regret anything about him- because he was the king of Buggy, his Captain.)
Others came close enough- his regrets were filled with people he wronged in some way or got wronged by after all. But never on the same level as Shanks.
Just like how he was regretting not being there when Ace, his Captain’s kid, was a child. How he was not there to stop the boy from falling into that desperate self-hatred. Like how he regretted never being able to tell him about his mother- a woman that took one look at him in his youth and all but took him under her wing.
Just like how regretted everything but Roger about Roger’s crew. His over-dependence on Rayleigh, His undeserved trust on Crocus- and everything about them was a regret really.
They only saw his cowardliness, never his intelligence. They only saw his non-existent control over his devil fruit, never his control on haki.
They only saw a trembling child, never stopped to understand why the ever loving fuck that child was trembling like a leaf.
Monsters were always like that. And Buggy never belonged with them.
Even his regrets were proof of it, because monsters were monsters- all their lifetime they had only one or two regrets.
Buggy had hundreds.
Buggy was just a human trying to run from the shadows of a man he loved so much and feared just the same.
It was a losing battle from the start.
His blood covered his vision and all he could hear was his first mate’s terror filled screams.