Work Text:
Your nights were much the same within Alexandria walls, eyes locked on the gates as if they could fall any second. You watched on as the others found their places, jobs suiting them with ease. And you knew there was some tension in your group, mistrust with such a calm settlement. But you... you couldn't shake it.
But god, the kids... they were growing up... normal-ish. You honestly couldn't fault the place as you watched Judith in her crib, and Carl with people (friends, even) his age. It was wonderful, you could see the heaviness in their eyes dim, just for a gleam, and nothing could take that break away from them. But still... you couldn't sleep.
Not even with Gabriel on watch, and you knew his skills -hell, you trusted the guy really. It just...
Your fingers trailed across the wood of your porch, the empty streets so calm that it almost kicked in a survival instinct for you. Like you were missing something. There was always a danger. Always. You had to be missing something-
This wasn't possible. Not after everything.
So, when the houses were quiet and the streetlamps lit, you found yourself outside -staring at the faraway fences. It's not like you had a weapon, not since they confiscated them, but you'd rather put yourself in front of the others. They'd deserved life more than you could ever imagine.
It's not like you could turn off the instinct, you truly wished you could, as your eyes fogged up and your breaths hollowed out.
Someplace farther than you were now, you could hear them -the walkers. And no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't close your eyes with them in your ear. Not without a weapon close by. Instead, you sat on your porch, leaning up against the siding of the house you'd chosen just a few down from some of the others -the chill of the night was calming to you. Familiar.
The heat inside the home? The running water, electricity, the working locks, the comfortable couches... they weren't.
You weren't sure they'd ever be.
“How long you been sittin' here?”
The southern drawl was the first thing that took you out of your head, and somewhere distantly, you remembered the footsteps coming up to you in the night. You hadn't really noticed at first though.
You looked up at the man, who was freshly dressed -almost comfortable, in a set of clothes that wasn't unfamiliar but still seemed new. His eyes were solely focused on you, and his stance was one you could recognize -eyebrows furrowed and lips pulled in a way that you'd seen more than once.
"I don't know," you answered, tone gravelly with lack of use.
He pursed his lips, letting out a soft sigh, and took a spot beside you. So close your knees bumped together, and at this moment, it was comforting -grounding almost.
"You out here a lot?" he asked, tone curious but not accusing -he was treating you kinda like you were an animal about to scamper away and maybe he was right for that.
The first thing you'd always noticed about Rick was his stance, authority in the fiber of his being. His presence though, like if you closed your eyes and just breathed in... well, Rick... he was calming, a deep tone of ease could flood your whole system. He was safe, really, at least, he always had been to you.
And based on how the others gravitated towards him, you assumed it was universal.
You clarified, a little curt, “Sometimes I just… do this. It’s fine... It's not hurting anybody."
"Right," he spoke, eying you for a second longer than he should have -he didn't buy it you could tell. You didn't expect him to. You didn't really expect to fool anyone with the laxness of your voice and the dark circles deep under your eyes. They'd catch on eventually, you knew that. Better for them too, than some other group here.
Didn't mean you were ready for them to find out.
"Little birdie says you ain't been sleeping," his tone was soft, a whisper across the emptiness that was currently Alexandria -it was an observation, honest and genuine. You weren't sure how to respond, but Rick always had a way of bringing answers out of you.
You posed, a bite of playfulness on your tongue, "This birdie have watch duty?"
You told no one about your lack of sleep, didn't want to add to the workload, but with Gabriel on watch most nights -you doubted the man could miss you. Especially with how close you found yourself to the gate, some days you wanted to walk out -just to feel something more familiar to your past few years. The chilling fear down your spine, the rush of adrenaline to find a roof over your head, and the groans of walkers everywhere you turned. Yet, here you were... safe.
That's what they said anyway.
"Y/N, I know it's-" he began, before faltering off and turning his head elsewhere -watching the flickering of one of the lamps a few feet from you two, "-I know it's hard, to turn the switch off in your head. But we're safe here. The perimeter is locked down. There's a guard watching the exit all night. I've went through it a thousand times myself-"
"I can't," you interrupted, your voice weak and shaky -when had you gotten this tired? Your hands were shaking now, as they rested against your legs, the chill of the house siding buzzing up your back, "-Rick, I've tried. Every night I do."
His mouth snapped shut, as his eyes fell to your face again, the small beginnings of a frown forming on his lips.
"But, I just can't get them out of my head. W-When," you stuttered out, trying to articulate the feelings when they came, "-when they overran the prison, and I didn't see any of you for weeks, months maybe-"
"Y/N."
"I just can't. I can't do that again, it's like drilled into my head to stay awake, I have to... protect everyone-"
"Y/N."
"Do you know how scary it is?" you continued, eyes everywhere but him, "For them to be out there, and for me to be unarmed? They could get anybody anywhere, god, what am I gonna do if they try to hurt Carl or Judith-"
"Y/N, darlin'-"
You stopped, the deep drawl of his words finally hitting you in the face.
"You here?" He hummed, moving closer to you, and now your mid-thigh was brushed against his -the touch buzzing up to your head like a bucket of cold water, "-Can you hear me?"
You simply nodded, the big gusts of breath stopping your from responding. Eyes watering and the hollowness of the lungs, your eyesight blurred -not this again.
"Breathe, Y/N," he spoke, voice barely a tone above the wind, just for you, "-just breathe, alright? You're doing a good job."
You were barely operating then, the thud of your hear against your chest so horribly loud, and the shine of the lights smudging in your eyes. You couldn't focus not really.
"Look, alright," he spoke, a bit more desperate but still in control of the situation -as his hands raised but stayed at bay as he asked, "-darlin', is it okay if I touch you?"
With a slight nod he caught, his hands went to yours, long calloused fingers trailing around your wrist and bringing the hand to his chest. The flannel there was soft on your fingertips and you almost hadn't even noticed what he was saying.
"Look," he hummed, calm and still solid, "-breathe with me, okay? Follow my lead."
You watched, as your hand rising and falling with his breathing. It was grounding, the warmth under your fingertips and pattern of his breaths.
Inhale, exhale.
Your head stopped spinning, and your eyes cleared of their fog -gradual. You remembered how to breathe, as the rise and fall of his chest lead you into normalcy.
"Ya got it?" He hummed, curious and eyes looking up into yours as if he was trying to read you. He didn't move his hand's grip though, fingers wrapped around yours.
"Yes," you exhaled, tone less shaky, "-thank you."
Still, as you shifted from the mindset, his hand stayed on yours -the bubbling of you skin against his prominent. You pulled his hand toward you, tracing your fingers along the indentations of his palms. The motion was solid and flowing -relaxing in the crowding of your mind.
"Y/N, you have to know," Rick began, a whisper as he stared at your connected hands, the clean skin being a little odd to you. Smelling like a fresh shampoo and aftershave, Rick was a new experience but still, at its core was the very same. Safe.
"Know what?" you asked, details smudging in your own brain at the distance from him. Fuzzy and loose, your heart was in a rush.
"Y/N," he spoke, a tone that meant you should know, but you were preoccupied -detailing the creases in his hands. Like it was obvious, whatever he was addressing.
In a blink, his other hand that was not locked in yours moved to your face -tilting your chin up to have your eyes meet his. Long fingers guiding you up with the gentlest of presses.
His face lit up with a smile, eyes bright and wondrous, his fingers trailing up from your chin to the side of your face -cradling. You let go of his hand, laying gently in your lap between you two.
"Rick," you whispered, asking really.
He spoke, like it was the easiest thing to know in the world, "You won't get hurt here."
His face remained completely serious, as he looked at you -only stating what he knew to be sure. He seemed to be sure, like you couldn't move his opinion.
"You can't be sure-" you responded, eyes darting across his face -trying to find a place of uncertainty.
"No, I am," he interrupted, rubbing his thumb along your cheek, "-I am."
You leaned into him, easily, without any hesitation -you trusted him completely, and although all of this was new territory, you really weren't afraid. Rick had meant more to you, but what he was initiating was new -welcome, sure, but new.
"I-" he began a little distraught, almost as if his own emotions brought him to it.
He sighed, heavily, like it was hard to say. Like everything was fighting him in his own body. You furrowed your eyebrows, taking in his face which was currently screwed up in a sort of concern, nervousness even.
His eyes met yours again, as he pulled his other hand up -mirroring the other on your face, "Y/N..."
Rick's hold was gentle, his calloused fingers brushing against your skin in a way that sent a feeling tossing in your stomach. His eyes stayed focused on you now as if he couldn't even chance to look away. Your face burned at the attention, and the fuzz of the night suddenly became... well, fuzzier.
"Not with me," he finished, making a point to match where your eyes darted, following you, "-As long as I'm here, you won't get hurt. I won't... I won't let you."
"Rick, you can't promise that-"
"I am," he added before you could finish and the tone was sturdy -as if would take everything in your power to change it. It was the way he spoke to others sometimes, serious and non-negotiable, "-I'd do anything to keep you, Carl, and Judith safe, you know that-"
"Rick, I don't-" you asked, staring at him now, "What do you mean?"
"I can't," he began, head falling between you two and there was something missing there, you knew it, "-Y/N, I'm not going anywhere without you, okay? And if that means running into a burning building to get you out, or kickin' someone's ass for you to escape... so be it."
Your voice was lost, over the tides of your stomach -you felt like you could hardly think straight with Rick so close. He was saying so much that your brain couldn't quite grasp, and maybe it was the lack of sleep but it seemed to be avoiding something. His hand moved to trail along your jaw, an intimate move, and suddenly, the situation became much more real.
"You have to know," he reiterated, tone soft and careful.
"I... I don't," you responded, curling your hand around his. The feeling in your stomach only triples at the notion -the flutter in your head. You didn't feel like you were really there.
"Well," Rick chuckled, pulling your head forward and pushing his lips onto your forehead, affectionately, "-maybe you should sleep on it?"
You frowned, the laugh breaking the hypnosis of well... Rick you were in and the heavy tiredness hanging onto you, "Not funny, cowboy."
"Cowboy?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow with a look you knew well -teasing.
"Rick, you really can't be surprised by that one," you hummed, giving him a look that seemed to push your point across and thumping your finger against his boots.
He shrugged, as if to say 'fair point', before pulling himself to his feet; the night was now much later, and you imagined whoever was watching Carl and Judith couldn't stay much longer.
You opened your mouth, faltering a bit, "Goodnight, Rick. Thank you for... everything. I don't know how to even-"
He stared at you, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, before recognizing the thought process you'd gone through.
"Nice try, sweetheart," he doted -his drawl loud and proud, holding his hand out, "-but you're comin' with me."
You pursed your lips, eyeing his hands with a discerning gaze, "What?"
"You're gonna end up killin' me," he muttered to himself before looking to you with a smile that sent your heart into overdrive -as he, without much effort, pulled you to your feet. He didn't let go of your hand then, even as you found yourself settled on your feet -he just stared.
"Rick...?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"You-" you stuttered out, your face flushed beyond any stage you'd ever seen, "You want to?"
Rick smiled, hands now on your face again, tilting your face to his, "Wouldn't ask if I didn't want to, darlin'."
Your words lost again, as you stared into his eyes, your heart loud and echoing through your head -you simply nodded. He didn't waste a moment.
The kiss was soft, careful, like you were almost breakable and he didn't want to chance it. Hands delicately holding you in place, guiding you to him and it was much more calming and natural then you thought it'd be. Your fingers found their way to the nape of his neck, fidgeting with the curls mindlessly in the bliss of the moment.
Still, it was over too soon.
He stared at you, eyes shining in a way you hadn't quite seen before- and the creases by his eyes finding their purpose then. He'd always had a contagious smile, hadn't he?
"That clear some things up?" he hummed, thumbs rubbing at your dark circles like he could just wish them away. And maybe he could.
"You know what," you answered, smiling as the tiredness faded into your skin, "-I think so."