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Their one-year anniversary is fast approaching. He marked it on his calendar in red sharpie so he wouldn't be able to miss it.
Well, it's not their one-year anniversary. It would've been their one-year anniversary.
They aren't dating anymore; it's been months since they broke up. They aren't even friends either. At least, Childe believes they aren't anymore.
His relationship with Zhongli is confusing. It's not confusing in the romantic sense. Zhongli has made it extremely clear he would never go back with him, even if he was the last man on earth.
He's pretty sure Zhongli doesn't want to be acquainted with him either, but he still talks to him.
Every time his friends tell him that Zhongli said he doesn't want to be friends with him anymore, it turns out to be false.
Zhongli always seems to find a way to talk to him even when he doesn't want to talk to him.
It sucks.
He's supposed to be healing, and he is. He's healing in his own way, and it's a slow process. The major setback is that he didn't expect it to be this slow.
To make matters worse, the little interactions he has with Zhongli make his healing process render to absolutely nothing.
For instance, their one-year anniversary. At least, what should've been their one-year anniversary. It would've been the day he was happier than ever. It could've, it really could've, but it wasn't.
Just imagining how he would've felt on their anniversary makes him feel guilty. He doesn't know why he feels guilty; their relationship ended because they both agreed to it.
Logically, there's nothing to feel guilty about. Though his mind can't help but think he's at fault for how he's feeling.
Maybe if they had just done something different, maybe if he had done something different, he wouldn't be hurting in unimaginable ways.
Imagining all the what-ifs they could've done makes him sink into a hole. A place that seems impossible to get out of; any chances of getting out are diminished.
It's unimaginably dark.
There isn't a single coherent thought in that hole. Everything there surrounds him, and it's suffocating.
He can't breathe normally or hear his thoughts. The only thing he hears is how he's to blame for all his misery.
It's always the same thing. It's numbing to hear his subconscious tell him he's to blame for all the problems he goes through.
He isn't to blame for what happened and how he feels; it isn't his fault. But there's always that underlying feeling that it was his fault for how their relationship ended.
Then he spirals. He goes numb. He feels himself breaking. He feels tears roll down his face. His head feels heavy during everything. His vision is blurry, and the world around him goes quiet.
He blinks and realizes he's back in the same dark and suffocating hole he was never meant to leave.
Then the cycle repeats.
Thinking about Zhongli and what they could've been is exhausting. He knows he won't get over him if he continues like this.
Zhongli has him on a leash. He may not want anything with him, but even the slightest bit of attention he gets from him makes him forget everything he has been through since Zhongli.
He's always quick to get on his knees like a servant and wait for Zhongli's orders. He's quick to go through all that pain again just to have Zhongli's attention on him.
It's unhealthy.
Their relationship is all one-sided. Extremely one-sided. Zhongli wants nothing to do with him, but Childe, as always, can't get enough.
Zhongli has stated he doesn't want to be acquainted with a person like him, yet he still tries to get on Zhongli's good side.
Zhongli isn't entirely innocent. There are times when he does want to be acquainted with him. He talks to him as if he isn't the reason for him living hell on Earth.
Childe could be minding his own business, and then all of a sudden, Zhongli talks to him. It's always out of the blue.
Why does he want to talk to him once a month as if nothing has happened, but when Childe tries to strike up a conversation, he's ignored?
Zhongli is extremely confusing. Childe sometimes feels like he doesn't know what he wants exactly.
In Childe's opinion, if you say you want to stop being acquainted with someone, you should honor it.
Zhongli believes he can bend the rules whenever he wants. He either ignores what he's said or keeps his word.
It's exhausting trying to figure him out.
He wonders if Zhongli would be different if they were still dating. Would he act distant or try to be more honest?
Would he still be happy if he was by his side? Or would Zhongli be cold and heartless?
Would Zhongli still want to be his boyfriend? Or would he run away after discovering his true personality?
He wonders to himself. He asks himself question after question. Yet, there's no point. He won't be getting any answers from Zhongli.
He just wants it to go back to how it used to be.
He wants to go back to June and fix everything. He wants to fix what went wrong.
He's nothing without Zhongli. Zhongli made him realize so many things about himself.
He realized he loved physical touch from people after years of rejecting it. He realized that it's okay to be vulnerable with someone. He realized that it's okay to care about someone even though it could be a liability.
He learned to love with Zhongli. He learned to love everything Zhongli did. He never once disregarded anything he did. He learned to love Zhongli for who he was, not just for who he presented himself to be.
Zhongli was the love he knew he needed. He wants Zhongli back. He wants that love he learned to love to come back.
Today, May 11th would've been the day Zhongli and he would've celebrated their one-year anniversary.
Instead, he's on the bathroom floor, crying his eyes out.
It's weird.
Zhongli is unknowingly a ghost who roams behind him.
He's haunted by a person who's still alive.
So you bottle it up. You let them live while you're being eaten alive by unsaid words.
Happy one-year anniversary, Zhongli.
I hate to love you, and I love to hate you.