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“I think maybe it can be a good thing,” Zuko said as he looked out to the setting sun, his hands resting on the stone ledging of the hallway bridge to his room, the drapes pulled back to let all the light in, “I didn’t think it was at first. When it happened between me and Mai, but then I learned it could be good.”
“Respectfully, Mai was emotionally unavailable for you in so many ways. It’s not the same,” Sokka said as he rolled his eyes, his tone gentle despite dishing out the painful truth.
It had been enough time for the commentary, almost a year since Mai left. They’d spoken briefly, not really about what happened. Zuko doesn’t think they will ever truly address it. It’s not something that usually happened between them anyway before it all ended.
“Sokka, you’re missing the point of what I’m trying to say,” Zuko chided as he returned an even more annoyed eye roll.
“Okay, okay, fine,” Sokka breathed in deeply, “How was it good for you? In the way you’re trying to say” Sokka asked him, drawing in closer, his face deep in thought as he looked out to the sun as well. He leaned his head on Zuko’s shoulder, even if their height difference wasn’t enough to make it look natural, it felt natural.
It always did.
Zuko felt something in him whip in excitement and he tried to let it die.
The line between them seemed so blurred after Sokka broke up with Suki. He still remembers the day it happened, the way Sokka cried so hard, the way he calmed down, and the closer it had brought them.
It gave Zuko the push to finally try to put a name to whatever was going on between them, because whatever it was, it wasn’t a normal friendship. Friends didn’t lean into each other the way they did. They didn’t look at each other with the intensity and longing that Zuko looked at Sokka. And they didn’t stare at the sunset together after they’d both gotten out of the most serious relationships of their lives.
But the word to describe this wasn’t easy, it was probably a couple of sentences with marked out words and run on clauses. It wasn’t something either of them could decipher alone and much less sit down to untangle together, so Zuko just let Sokka lean into him and tried to keep coming up with excuses.
He’d just been alone for too long. It’d been almost a year in a month since Mai left. He was just horny, and he tried to isolate that feeling to explain away how Sokka’s smile made something in him shift, how the intensity of blue in his eyes, pulled him in, how he longed.
He longed so much anytime Sokka would come visit him in this big, lonely palace. Because he was alone and not because there could ever be anything between them. They were good like this. Zuko could live with this forever.
“I think it made me realize things about myself that drove her away,” Zuko said almost too quiet to hear, taking a deep breath, mindful of not making Sokka shift to accommodate the movement.
“I don’t feel good about learning that about myself,” Sokka mentioned, “It’s kind of depressing to dwell on that after it’s been almost two months.”
“It is,” Zuko agreed, “But it also made me realize that maybe some of those things aren’t bad things, they just weren’t for her. Like you know she wasn’t the most,” Zuko paused, “Emotional person,” Sokka hummed at that, “But it took me months to realize that and you yelling in my face that the things she didn’t like about me weren’t bad. They just weren’t for her. And sometimes that’s how it is. You’re just not for some people sometimes, and it hurts,” Zuko chuckled dryly, “It really hurts and sucks, but that’s how it is.”
There was a pause where Zuko thought he had been too harsh, wanting to make a statement that he retracted it all and he was just being dumb. Spending too much time with Uncle on his last visit to Ba Sing Se, but then Sokka spoke.
“I think Suki wanted something I didn’t know how to give her anymore,” he finally said after a beat of silence so long it was making Zuko anxious, “I think I knew we were wanting different things. She wanted something different. Something that wasn’t so loud, so obnoxious. Something that wasn’t me. That didn’t feel as much. That was willing to change for her.”
Zuko chuckled a bit at that, drawing a confused look from the corner of Sokka’s eye.
“Sorry,” he shrugged lightly, “I always told Mai she never felt anything. I think I just never made her feel anything,” He sighed, “But I do think it’s nice, to have so much emotion, to not feel shame in having it. I think it’s brave. Not something I could do.”
Sokka pulled away slightly to look at Zuko, his gaze not as bright and blue as usual, detached in a way Zuko wasn’t used to. It made something in him ache.
“It’s not brave, and you should be glad you don’t do it. You feel emotions, but you aren’t annoying. I’m so annoying, Zuko,” Sokka paused, “I yell a lot. I express things in such an annoyingly elaborate manner. I’m annoying, and I pushed her away because I just can’t control myself.”
“You’re not annoying, Sokka,” Zuko said, “It’s just the way you are, and you’ve never been ashamed of it. I sometimes wish I could,” he sighed, “I wish I could do what you do. Say things loudly, confidently, like things that actually matter without getting so much in my head. I do think it’s brave.”
Sokka still looked unconvinced, but slightly less lost in his thoughts and detached, “I’m too much, and somehow not enough. I don’t know, Zuko. It just kind of sucks like you said.”
“Hey,” Zuko made Sokka look at him, “You know when you told me that one night at the pond when Mai had left that I wasn’t weak and that my love was beautiful,” Sokka thought for a second before nodding, “You light up a room. You know how to bring people together. You love and care so much that yes, you yell and you cheer and you give elaborate acts of love, but what’s so wrong with that? That’s brave and it’s beautiful, and you should be proud that you’ve never backed down from being true to yourself.”
Zuko saw the shift in Sokka’s gaze as he took it in,
Believed it.
Sokka stood tall, looking at him. Zuko kind of winced at the lack of warmth on his shoulder, but was quick to latch on to Sokka’s bright blue gaze. He was thinking something, but Zuko couldn’t catch onto any theories as to what before he felt something at his lips, gentle, soft, it made him flinch back a little from the engulfing tenderness.
He felt a shift in his chest, like his heart was wanting to jump out of it. The sensation was achy and wonderful at the same time.
When he blinked, he saw bright blue staring at him, wide, mouth a little agape with shock, “Sorry, I-“ he stuttered, “I don’t know why, well I know why, but I’m sorry I didn’t warn you or like-“ he continued, “You just said that and honestly I’ve been thinking about it for a while and you said I was brave, and maybe I just wanted to be brave for you-“ Sokka was frantic and his arms were flailing around trying to explain it all.
“Sokka,” Zuko said, grounding him with a hand at his shoulder. When he finally stopped moving, he looked at Zuko in anticipation, a little bit of worry.
Zuko leaned in and kissed him back, a little more intense, with a little more hunger than Sokka’s. He felt Sokka’s initial shock then his smile. He felt his breathing as the kiss deepened, as Sokka’s hands wandered to Zuko’s neck, his ear, the back of his head.
It was in every sense of Sokka, gentle, caring, and something Zuko had been too lonely to stop. When they pulled away, they eyed each other, trying to get a read on what the next steps could be.
Was this just a kiss?
Was this something they had to talk about?
These were good questions, but the proximity to Zuko’s room was dangerous and information they both knew. Seven feet away. So close, maybe too close to make a rational decision.
Zuko could see the way Sokka’s eyes darted behind Zuko to the door of his room. All Zuko had to do was nod and smile before Sokka interlocked his hand with his own and dragged him down the hall.
They didn’t even speak until the door closed, Sokka making sure it was locked.
“Your lips are very soft,” was the first thing Sokka said.
“Thanks, the servants will be happy to hear their pampering is up to your standards,” Zuko chuckled.
“Was I?” Sokka walked forward, resting his hand on Zuko’s hip, guiding him backwards to his bed, “Up to your standards, Firelord?” His voice was silky and needy and Zuko didn’t know his face could feel so hot.
“Yes, you’re perfect,” Zuko smiled, letting his longing maybe take over too much to say something he’d wanted to say for so long. Since he started falling for this loving man under the moonlight of the pond. Maybe before Zuko even really knew.
Sokka was perfect. In the way he tried to make everyone laugh. In the way his heart was so big and so full, and he never felt shame in it. He darted into love, into anything really in a way Zuko never did. He wasn’t scared like Zuko was. Even with how things had gone down with Suki, he knew Sokka would never change. Yes, he would be more guarded for while, but he couldn’t help himself from caring, from feeling.
Sokka leaned down and kissed Zuko after he processed the words. He let loose Zuko’s hair, setting down his hairpiece and ribbon down at the ledge at the end of the bed. He did the same with his hair. He was straddling Zuko, resting his hands at his hips as they made out for another couple of beats. He eyed Zuko as his hands made their way to his shoulder, teasing at the layers of fabrics he was wearing, wordlessly requesting to peel them back.
Zuko did him one better and started taking off the layers himself. Sokka smiled hungrily after the bulky layers came off andd were thrown on the floor. He tipped Zuko backwards as he got to the final layer of robe, trailing kisses from his collarbone to Zuko’s shoulder as he slid it off.
Zuko gasped at the coldness of the air and palmed at Sokka’s own layers, pulling and pushing them off until Sokka was bare atop of him. He trailed his hand down, reaching for the part of Sokka that was very hard, laughing lightly as Sokka blushed.
“Two can play that game, Zuko,” Sokka said as he let his lower half rub against Zuko’s, creating tension and making them both hot, and sweaty, and shiver at the thrill of it.
“That’s not fair, you’re going so-“ Zuko’s words got caught in his throat as he felt the warmth spill onto both of them.
“That’s a new record,” Sokka chuckled as he leaned lower on top of Zuko to recover.
“Don’t say it like that,” Zuko grumbled, bringing his hands to his face in embarrassment, “It’s been a while.” He was breathing hard, trying to recover himself. It had been so short, but so good. Zuko didn’t know a simple act like that could be so good.
With Mai, they never-well they did, but it never felt like that. Zuko wondered if this was what it was supposed to feel like or if Sokka had uncovered a forbidden secret. If he was just that good.
He then felt a wetness on his cock, which caused him to gasp as he uncovered his face.
“You’re-“ he didn’t get time to say anything before Sokka started, rubbing circles on his inner thigh, making him shiver aggressively as he brought it towards his hip bone. They maintained that motion for a while. Zuko letting out sounds he hadn’t heard from himself in months as he held onto Sokka’s hair.
He could feel Sokka smile when Zuko jolted from the stimulation of that one spot he had found on his hip bone. He kept gently rubbing that area, making Zuko finally come again, gasping for breath.
“You,” he breathed, “How do you? You just,” a pant, “You’re crazy,” short breaths from Zuko.
“I found a spot,” Sokka smiled, looking beyond confident in himself. Zuko couldn’t really comprehend, trying to recover from what had just happened as Sokka trailed his fingers down his chest back to that spot on his hip, making Zuko jolt slightly.
Sokka chuckled, making Zuko roll his eyes at him.
“You’re ridiculous, give me a break, please,” he was still panting. Sokka nodded.
“We got all the time in the world,” he said, standing up from the bed and scouring Zuko’s bedside table.
Zuko felt his breath catching up to him as he looked over to the clattering Sokka was making, “What are you doing?”
“Do you have any oil?” Sokka asked, making Zuko blush a deeper red, which felt impossible. He processed what Sokka was asking and a part of him wondered if he heard wrong or maybe Sokka wasn’t asking for that kind of oil, maybe he wasn’t going to use it for that?
Maybe Zuko was going delusional from the intensity of it all.
“Zuko?” Sokka brought him to reality.
“I just-“ Zuko spoke, “I’ve never-“ the shade of red was deeper than before, he could feel it, probably surpassing the scarred side of his face. The embarrassment was killing him. He cursed himself in the moment for confessing such a thing. He cursed the fact that he was on a ship with so many men all his life, but he was so repressed and intent on never enjoying life that now he was clueless and dumbfounded in this moment.
Sokka definitely had more experience than him in. The way he made him come was not the work of someone who had put a dick in their mouth for the first time in their life.
Zuko felt so dumb. He had nothing to offer. He hadn’t done anything besides jerk himself off in almost a year. He had only messily made out with men in Ba Sing Se, giving and receiving shitty hand jobs. But that was over two years ago. In this moment, he wished he had been smarter and racked up some experience to be able to do anything as confidently as Sokka.
Sokka processed his words, understanding what he meant, smiling so tenderly as he looked at Zuko, who was laying down on the bed with his hands still lingering around his face, trying to avert eye contact as much as possible after telling Sokka that he’d never done this before.
He’d had sex before, with Mai, a couple of times. But after what he had experienced, he was starting to believe he had never actually had sex, not like this, not whatever Sokka was doing.
“I’ve only done it a couple of times, like this, if that makes you feel better,” Sokka offered up, his face turning a light shade of red, probably paling in comparison to the heat Zuko was sporting at the moment. There were questions in the air now, Who? When?
Zuko was much too of a coward to ask, but Sokka caught on, “Not with anyone important, just a handful of times while we were in the Fire Nation.” Zuko looked at him.
Sokka and him were so different. Zuko always thought he had been through a lot. He still does, but not like Sokka, he felt lost and inexperienced with all his trauma. He was starting to realize that maybe all the trauma had made him inexperienced.
He sighed, pushing his thoughts out, focusing on Sokka right now, who was essentially asking permission to fuck him.
He brought his hands to cover his face again, fully, “It’s in the cabinet under the sink,” he spoke and he felt the bed shifting as Sokka returned and adjusted himself on top of Zuko, pulling his hands away from his face.
“Found it,” Sokka teased as he waved the smooth, elegant bottle above Zuko.
He found himself smiling as he reached for Sokka’s cheek, allowing him to nuzzle into his hand before suddenly dragging him down, causing Sokka to use his free hand to hold himself up as Zuko kissed him, deeply.
Zuko let him go, but moved their heads so that his mouth was at Sokka’s ear.
“I want you to do it,” Zuko whispered, “I trust you.”
After that, it all fell into motion in a way that Zuko once again was met with the fact that he had never really understood intimacy. He’d never understood what it was supposed to be like, to give yourself wholly to a person.
Maybe that’s why it was so hard to stop after the first time. It was addicting, Sokka was addicting, and by the night before Sokka had to leave, they’d managed to in some way or another find every possibility to touch one another. Somehow, they’d also failed to have a full conversation about what all this meant, but there seemed to be some agreement that it was good enough not to.
At least for now.
That maybe the beauty of it was that there was no commitment, at least that’s what Zuko started to pick up on because as much love as there was in the four walls of his room, it seemed to dissipate the minute Sokka stepped out of it. He no longer reached out to Zuko in the middle of the day or pulled him aside to rant or hang out like before. There was a coldness when they weren’t entangled in each other. It was like they could only choose one, have mind boggling sex or maintain the strength of their friendship.
What Zuko started to understand was that Sokka didn’t want to talk about it, and that made him weary of whatever he was going to say if they did.
But now on the last night of Sokka’s stay, they were wrapped in each other, and Zuko saw the expression on Sokka’s face. He turned completely to Sokka who was trying to sleep but failing miserably as he held Zuko to his chest. He could hear his heartbeat and it was so loud.
“Hey,” Zuko pulled him out of his thoughts as he brought his arm out and rubbed Sokka’s back, “What are you thinking about?” A part of him hoped Sokka responded with love the sex, but maybe we should talk more.
He was hopeless.
“You know when you said that thing?” Sokka offered up and Zuko laughed.
“I say a lot of things, Sokka,” he said making Sokka lightly laugh.
“The thing about how the things that some people don’t like aren’t really always bad things, they just aren’t for them,” Sokka spoke, playing his Zuko’s hair as he tucked Zuko’s head under his chin.
“Yeah, I remember,” Zuko hummed.
“Well maybe those not bad things can be really good things for new people,” Sokka continued his line of thought, “Like really good, amazing things. Maybe that’s the good thing you have to learn after something like that happens.”
There was a pause, Zuko waiting to see if there was more, but not knowing what to say himself.
“I think this is a really good thing,” Zuko found the words, wincing at what Sokka’s response was going to be. He was putting himself out there, doing something he would have never in a million years find himself doing.
“Yeah, I think it could be,” Sokka replied as he drew Zuko in closer, kissing the top of his head. Zuko let himself be drawn closer, taking the sign that Sokka no longer wanted to talk about this.
Could be.
For Zuko, it already was. It had been since the moment Sokka kissed him. It was possibly the best thing he could have ever gotten, and he wanted to say that.
But he didn’t have the emotional refractory period to be that vulnerable, so he let Sokka hug him. He let him think about his feelings as he slept, and Zuko stayed up, wondering if he was doomed to love people and eternally wonder if they would ever love him back.