Chapter Text
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!
The song was currently stuck in Peter's head as he swung behind Matt. It was a perfect description of his mood, too, actually.
"You know, Matt, maybe we should just leave some things to the experts, ya know?"
"And who would they be?"
"Sorcerers, wizards or the like."
"Well, do you know how to contact them?"
"Ahem, well, I don't really deal with magic. Doesn't match my nitty-gritty street-level thing that I'm aiming for these days."
"You mean to say that you don't know how to contact them."
"No, no, I do! I totally do! I just, maybe, you should talk to them first."
"Why? Didn't you tell me that you worked with them?"
"I kinda sorta may have done some weird stuff with magic a while back and now I'm a little on the cautious side,"
"Magic screwed up your life?"
"Something like that."
"Yeah. I feel you."
"BUT I DO NOT!" A roar. "FOR I AM A CREATURE OF THE DARKNESS, SWORN TO DESTROY ALL THAT IS GOOD!"
This was from the rooftop that Matt had stopped on. Or rather, the creature on the rooftop that kinda looked like a wild boar whom evolution forgot about. Standing on its hooves, it had four paws and was covered in scales, looking like a mismash of the animal kingdom.
"ARE YOU THE CHAMPIONS OF HUMANITY?"
"Is that an actual position?" Peter retorted.
"HA! SUCH PITIFUL MORTALS! MY ASCENT TO THE DARKNESS SHALL BE NOT BE A FORMIDABLE ONE!"
Ugh. It was one of the really dramatic ones.
"Hey, don't count us out that easily, man! You'll find us pretty formidable, I can assure you of that, Mr. Whoever you are."
"SO THEN, LET IT BE KNOWN, THAT THIS DUO OF FEEBLE POWER DARED TO CHALLEGE THE DESTROYER OF HUMANS, THE SHADOW OF THE NIGHT, THE BOB!"
Peter stared. Matt did something akin to staring.
A moment later, Peter burst into rib-ticking laughter.
"Hahahahaha!"
Matt just continued to tilt his head curiously at their uninvited guest.
"I'm sorry, your name is just Bob? Literally nothing beyond that?" He managed to get out between laughs.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOB?"
"It's just, a really generic name by human standards, ya know? Not exactly the kind of thing you'd expect the Destroyer of Humanity to be named."
"WELL, I HAVE NO NEED FOR YOUR FRAGILE HUMAN CUSTOMS! I AM HERE TO CLEANSE THIS WORLD!"
"Well, yeah, okay, we can't allow that. Neither of us can."
"IT DOES NOT MATTER, MORTAL! FOR AT THIS VERY MOMENT I DECLARE YOU, ONE THAT RESEMBLES A SPIDER, AS MY ARCHENEMY!"
"Uh, what?"
"ARCHENEMY. YOU, ONE WITH SPIDERS, SHALL BE MY ARCHENEMY."
"Hey, man, Bob, I don't even know you! And I've already got like, multiple archenemies already. Quite a lot if you counted my alternate versions as well. You'd end up being very low on that list. No offence."
"OH."
He was silent for a moment.
Then-
"THEN I DECLARE YOU, ONE WHO WEARS THE DEVIL'S MARK, AS MY TRUE ARCHENEMY-"
"Nope." Matt's reply was instant.
"WHY NOT?"
"Because I've already got my hands full with one archenemy. I'm very happy with this arrangement."
"OH. WELL THEN, I SHALL DECLARE MYSELF AS THE ONE TRUE ARCHENEMY FOR BOTH OF YOU!"
More silence.
Then-
"This is one of yours, isn't it, Spidey?"
"What makes you think that?"
"He's verbose and annoying, just like you. Definitely one of your bad guys. I'm out."
"Hey, hey, you can't just leave like that! You're the one who brought us here!"
"I brought us here because I thought there might be someone in need of help. Not to listen to this idiot."
"YOU DARE CALL ME AN IDIOT! FACE THE MIGHT OF MY ANGER!"
And the ground shook with the battle yell of Bob, The Wild Boar of Darkness.
"We can't handle him, Matt! We really should have called a sorcerer!"
"Well, Peter - ow - do you happen to have Doctor Strange on speed dial?"
"No! But maybe we can - hey, that's cheating, Bob! - contact Wong!"
"Last I heard, Wong was halfway across the world!"
"Why?"
"I don't know! I've only heard about it!"
"Well then, what are we going to do?"
"STOP YOUR INCESSANT YAMMERING!"
"We've tried everything, Matt! I'm starting to feel like we're running out of options here!"
"Have we tried everything? "
"Well, what else are we supposed to do? An exorcism? "
"....."
"No way. You serious?"
"Do you have any other ideas?"
"Well, no, but that doesn't mean I'm going to jump straight to an exorcism for that? That's crazy!"
"Maybe crazy is what we need right now."
"Matt, let's think this through - holy shit, is that a cross? "
"Yes."
"Matt! You can't possibly be serious about this! Do you even know how exorcisms are supposed to work?"
"There's a first time for everything."
"NOT FOR AN EXORCISM, DUDE! It's not like the movies, you could kill us!"
"Shut up, I'm trying to concentrate."
"Look, just can you just, stop, for like - what are you chanting? - Is that Latin? You're crazy, Matt - Matt, just stop - Oh, Bob's glowing now - Matt, stop, I think you're making him angry - Matt, stop! - Ow, Bob, that hurt! - Matt, he's aiming something at us - Matt, wake up, goddammit! - MATT! "
What is my life? was Peter's last thought as his mind faded into unconsciousness.
Peter woke up.
At least that's what thought he did. It didn't seem like that, though. Peter's body felt heavy for some reason. He couldn't see properly. Did the boar's explosion blind him? He wasn't sure. Something was going on.
Maybe he should try to move. Get his senses going. Yeah, that was it. Get up, Peter.
Except he couldn't. Where were his hands? Where were his legs? Where was his body?
"The heck....?" Peter murmured to himself as he tried to orient his torso using whatever limbs he could still feel. And realized something.
He couldn't feel his hands. Or his legs.
No, instead, he was feeling the movement of eight limbs.
What the fuck?
Peter tried to lift one of these supposed limbs to rub at his still-blurry eyes. And screamed.
"OH, MY GOD!"
His arms were gone. His legs were gone. No, his legs weren't gone. They were just replaced by eight spider legs.
And if his legs were that of a spider, and his vision was off and not working like that of a normal human, then.....
He needed a mirror.
Bob the Boar was gone. Exorcised? Peter didn't know. This was absolutely his doing, though, that was for sure.
Peter had no idea where his phone was. He couldn't see the state of his suit. He didn't even know if he could speak anymore.
This was a nightmare.
Matt stirred about a minute or so after Peter's scream, no doubt being awaken by it. From what Peter could see, unlike him, Matt was still stuck as a human.
"My head hurts," he grunted, holding a hand to his head.
"Matt?" Peter tried. Could he still speak?
"Hmm, Peter, that you?"
Okay, so that was one thing out of the way.
"Matt, you okay?"
"Yeah, just a few scrapes is al-" He stopped mid-sentence.
"Matt?"
His hand was frozen in his hair.
"What's wrong?"
"I.... Peter," he whispered, "is there, is there something on my head?"
"Huh? I don't see anything. Just your cowl."
"Then why can I feel horns on my head? "
What the heck?
He took off his cowl completely, and sure enough, there were only two holes where the horns should have been. Instead, they were on Matt's head, who had currently dissolved into a fit of panic. He kept patting himself down again and again, trying to figure out what part of him was feeling off. And then he stopped.
"Peter...." He started, "What do my hands look like?"
"Your hands? What's wro- oh my god."
"They're clawed, aren't they?"
"You know?"
"I just cut myself with my nails."
"Shit. They're.... Matt, honestly, your fingers are pretty spindly and those are some really sharp claws."
"Like, like that of a devil?"
"I think you know the answer to that."
"Peter...." He spoke again, "are you, are you alright? I heard a scream."
"What do you think?"
"Bob the idiot decided to fuck with us, didn't he? And if I have horns like Daredevil, that means you're.... oh, Lord."
"When all of this ends, I promise you, you're never going to stop hearing 'I told you so's from me."