Chapter Text
Anger was bliss. When Sirius was angry, he could feel nothing but the rush of sound in his ears, and his mind went blank. There were no thoughts, no emotions, he just acted . The aftermath was the worst.
Sirius would get angry, snap at his friends, and during the aftermath, he would mull over his actions and feel the guilt brew inside him. Sometimes he would find it in him to apologize, sometimes his dignity would take over and he would diminish the guilt with alcohol. His friends would forget. They understood that Sirius had trouble controlling his emotions, and they’d forgive him.
Not this time.
This time, no matter how many times Sirius groveled and apologies and begged, there would be no forgiveness. Four Marauders became three. Remus had shut him out of his life, and James and Peter followed. Sirius deserved it.
It was April when it happened. When Sirius opened his big mouth and ruined the only thing that ever mattered to him. For four weeks, the three other marauders saw Sirius in class, and nowhere else. He slept in hidden corridors where he knew Filch and Mrs. Noris wouldn’t find him, if he ever ate, which was rarely, he grabbed food from the kitchens. He sunk himself in schoolwork because at least if he was thinking about the Goblin Revolutions he wasn’t thinking about the last time Remus ever kissed him before he ruined it.
Sirius quit the Quidditch team a week after the Prank. That year, he’d been using a school broom for practice and games, since his parents had refused to give him one as a punishment for some petty argument or whatnot. They’d also beat the shit out of him, but that was irrelevant. Now, a letter found its way to him, maroon Hogwarts Wax stamped on the front, and the inky parchment told him he was to return his broomstick to Madam Hooch by the end of this week.
Sirius trudged into the Common room early morning when he was sure everyone would’ve gone down for breakfast. He paused when he entered, watching the fireplace flicker and remembering him and Remus’ first kiss in front of that mantle, early morning when neither of them could sleep, and it was just the two of them. He swallowed the lump in his throat and crept up the stairs to his dorm. Their dorm. He wasn’t welcome anymore.
He poked his head in the door, and the dorm was empty. Sirius padded over to his bed and the magically sized chest that lay at the foot. Sirius pushed around useless textbooks and some vinyl, searching for the broom kit that he was supposed to return as well. Sirius froze when he heard a voice coming from the bathroom.
“Prongs? Pete? That you?”
When Sirius didn’t answer, the door swung open. Remus’ honey hair was wet, darkening his curls. He was wearing a chestnut brown sweater over a collared shirt, his Gryffindor ties peeking through. He was the most beautiful man Sirius had ever met, and he could’ve had him forever. Not anymore, and that was his own fault.
Sirius still didn’t say anything, simply stared at Remus, watched his face turn from shock, and then harden into a scowl.
“Sirius. What are you doing here? Didn’t you get the fucking message? Stay the hell away from me.” Remus’ words bit out, and Sirius felt a part of his soul collapse.
“I- I need to get my broom kit. To return it to the school.”
Remus’ eyes raked over his body. And Sirius was well aware of what he looked like. He hadn’t been eating, and his Hogwarts robes swamped him. The skin under his eyes was purple and shallow. Sirius’ hair was tangled and dull.
“Okay.” Remus picked up his wand and a book from his nightstand and turned around, long legs began to make their way to the door.
“I'm so sorry,” Sirius blurted out.
“Sorry isn’t enough, Sirius”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. Please ,” His voice was thick with tears and he sounded like a beggar and he didn’t fucking care. “I know it’s not enough. I’ll do anything.”
“Don’t. Sirius. You fucked up. Deal with the consequences. I trusted you. I gave you everything I had, and your selfish pride got the best of you and that’s your own Goddamn fault.”
Remus took a step back with every word, getting closer and closer to the door. At the last second, Sirius let his words spill out of his throat.
“Remus-“
“You ruined my life.” Remus snapped, grounding the words out. His voice rose with every word, “Oh heaven forbid Snape talk shit about you, heaven forbid he mocks you, heaven forbid because in return you almost got him killed. I almost killed him . If James hadn’t been there I would be a soulless body in Azkaban and Snape would be fucking dead.”
The air was still, and Sirius blinked furiously, trying to banish his tears. Without thinking, he started talking.
“I know I’m selfish. And I’m prideful and narcissistic and I act like a horrible person. And I always hurt people and I say things I should never say but I promise I’m a good person. I know I am I can try, Remus. Please just tell me you believe me. I need to know I’m not like them. Like my family . Moony, please. ”
The world was silent. Remus stared at him for a beat, and then two, and then three. “Don’t call me that,” Remus’ voice came out small like he was holding back tears, and then he turned around and disappeared behind the door.
*****
Sirius didn’t go to class the entire week. He sat in the Room of Requirement, which had transformed into an old bedroom and a door that led to a bathroom, and food that kept showing up on his nightstand but he never ate it. Remus’ words replayed in his head- or rather, the lack of his words. Sirius was just like them. Sirius wasn’t a good person.
That night, he trudged up to the Astronomy Tower, with one intention in his mind. Sirius put one foot in front of the other. Up the winding stairs, across the circular room past the telescopes, until he reached the farthest ledge. Sirius put one foot over the railing and wondered how many students stood up here, just like him. Sirius pulled another foot over the railing and he began to cry. He stood on the concrete, hands clutching the railing behind him, and looked up, the stars in the sky blurred and warped with each fall of a tear. He let one hand go and leaned forwards, three fingers still pressing burning prints into the cool metal rail behind him.
There was a sharp intake of breath. If the night hadn’t been so quiet, if there was so much of a breeze Sirius wouldn’t have heard it. He was startled, both hands now gripping the rail behind him as he turned his head over his shoulder, reaching to see who was there.
Remus was standing still. Mouth parted and stony. He was gripping a set of quills and parchment stacked on top of Astronomy books.
“Sirius” Remus couldn’t speak, couldn’t think.
“Remus you should go,” Sirius’ voice cracked. In a flurry of quick steps and long legs, Remus was standing a foot away from him in no time. A hand reached out, curling around one of his arms. The contact made Sirius shiver.
“Get down, Sirius.” Remus’ voice was strained, almost robotic, as if he wasn’t aware of what he was saying. Sirius wanted to say no . Wanted to pull away and fall. But the look on Remus’ face convinced him otherwise. In careful movements, with the other boy still maintaining his steel grip on his upper arm, Sirius turned so his back faced the endless sky and swung his legs back over the railing. Now that he was no longer on the brink of death, Remus seemed to regain his emotions. Sirius looked down at his shoes, afraid of what was next to come. He watched the other open, close, and reopen his mouth multiple times before hearing a quiet, “Why?”
The question caught Sirius off guard. He wasn’t exactly sure what he’d been expecting, but he wasn’t prepared for how much Remus sounded like he cared. “What’s the point anymore? You’re all I have. You, James, Peter, the other Gryffindors, not my family. If I don’t have you then I’m all alone. After what I did to you, there’s no reason for me to be here.”
A tear slipped from the corner of Remus’ eye, and he hugged Sirius. Immediately, he melted. He hadn’t been touched like this, gently , for a while. He heard Remus begin to speak, quietly, as if there were others around them and he didn’t want anyone but Sirius to hear. “You are a good person. I couldn’t say it then because I was too angry, but you are a good person. You made one huge, hell of a mistake but you didn’t mean to hurt me. And you don’t deserve to die. I couldn’t live with myself if you died. And neither could James, or Peter, or Marlene, or even Regulus.”
Sirius didn’t say anything back, simply clung to Remus, circling his fingers in the heavy wool of Remus’ jumper, letting salty tears soak into the collar where Sirius’ face was pressed.
Remus began speaking again. “Come back. Come back to the dorm and take care of yourself. Stop punishing yourself. Sleep, eat, do whatever you need.”
“I thought you told me to stay away,” Sirius whispered.
“Now I’m telling you to come back. I think it’s time I forgive you. I’m going to try and trust you again, and it might take a fuck load of time but I can’t stay away from you for long. You’re like a riptide, you keep sucking me back in.” Remus gave a short, wet laugh at that.
“Okay,” Sirius swallowed thickly.
“Listen, I’ll talk to James and Peter tomorrow morning. Just- please stop destroying yourself over this.”
Sirius nodded, and the pair walked through the darkened hallways. As their muffled footsteps made their way across the echoing floors, Remus muttered in his ear, “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” Sirius murmured back, “more than anything,”
When the two were finally settled into their respective beds, curtains were drawn and the only sound was James’ soft snores, Sirius spoke softly, “Goodnight Moony,”
“‘Night, Pads.”