Work Text:
Please Wake Up
Cheng Xiaoshi’s leg shook with such ferocity the back of the chair started scraping into the wall behind him. His forehead was in his hand, his skin in a constant state of paled terror. The tears had dried a few hours ago, but their salty residue kept pulling at his cheeks. Sniffling, Cheng Xiaoshi checked from side to side down the hallway; praying someone would finally have some news.
Is a longer wait a better or worse sign?
The knives in his throat returned and he dropped his face back into his hands. His chest heaved in sobs, but he couldn’t discern if tears were actually breaking or not.
“Cheng Xiaoshi?” A feminine voice beckoned towards him.
A spurt of hope jolted through his veins as he sprung his head up towards her. She held a clipboard in her hands. Cheng Xiaoshi had felt this anxiety through a few different sets of eyes; it was visceral then, but somehow, knowing it was Lu’s fate that lived on her tongue made the tension pierce far fiercer.
“Y-yes?” It wasn’t until Cheng Xiaoshi blinked away tears that he confirmed he’d reanimated them.
“He’s stabilizing, but we’re not out of the clear quite yet.” Her statement was both a threat and a comfort. “Do you want to see him?”
Interlocking his fingers, Cheng Xiaoshi nodded with vigor. The question of an unspoken scale of probability hung heavily in the air as Cheng Xiaoshi dragged his feet behind the doctor.
He wanted Lu Guang to be okay.
He needed to be there for Lu Guang.
But what if he never opened his eyes again?
What if instead of his final memory being of Lu Guang’s warm embrace, his aroma of coffee and spice lingering through the air, his proclamation of love as he bid adieu, would be replaced by the shell of Lu Guang?
What if the last sight he saw of Lu Guang was going to be whatever was behind the door?
Is that… is that what he would want?
But what if he woke up and Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t there?
The doctor opened the door and marched through with confidence. Cheng Xiaoshi ran his eyes along the doors perimeter. Two steps into a decision he couldn’t back out of.
Inhaling, he shut his eyes. He wanted to picture Lu Guang’s voice, what would he say?
If you don’t go in and I wake up, you’ll regret it.
If you don’t go in you’ll always regret what you could have said in your last moments.
Funny how perceptive another person’s perspective was on your feelings when they were concocted from your own head. Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t want to see Lu Guang broken, but even if those moments were his last, Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to be there for him. He’d want the same from Lu Guang.
Tears rolled once again as the second step landed. Cords spilled out of Lu Guang. Several machines ran on their own beats, creating a symphony of death’s door. His white hair was matted with rusty blood, his angelic face turned black and purple.
“Here, sit down.” The doctor motioned to a chair.
Cheng Xiaoshi nodded, doing all he could to prevent from falling onto the chair. His hand grasped at the table beside him as he collided onto the seat, his fingers struck something sending it crashing to the ground.
Guilt knotted in Cheng Xiaoshi’s twisted stomach while the doctor kindly bent over to grab the scattered remnants of Lu Guang’s wallet.
“I’m so sorry.” Cheng Xiaoshi trembled through sobs. He held his hands out for the items as if pooling his hands together to collect water.
“It’s okay, I understand. I’ll stop in on my next set of rounds, okay?” The doctor squeezed Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulder, who gave a single nod in return.
His hands full of Lu Guang’s life were blurred. Carefully, he set the items down on the table. He touched every card, every bill, as if it was about to crumble in his hands. He paused at the picture Lu Guang kept of them in his wallet. It was the first one Cheng Xiaoshi had ever dove into. The photo was dark and they were matted, sweaty messes, after playing a game, the night of their first kiss. Clenching his teeth, Cheng Xiaoshi pushed the photo against his chest.
Terror pierced his heart as the photo seemed to move in an unnatural way against his chest. Had he ripped it?
Concerned, he pulled the picture out into his field of vision again. The picture itself was intact, but the top of the photo was no longer straight, a charcoal grey peeking from the top of their picture. The photos cracked as Cheng split them apart.
The one below was of Lu Guang wearing a dark hoodie and jeans, looking curiously towards the security camera.
Why… would you keep this in your wallet?
Cheng Xiaoshi shifted his focus to the man drowning under wires. It’s not as if the photo was a particular remarkable one… And Lu Guang barely kept pictures of himself. Plus, this one was grainy, and obviously a security camera.
Why?
Shaking the nagging question out of his head, he left the photo on the table and slumped into his chair. He hadn’t had a moment of sleep since he’d gotten the phone call. Now that he knew he was close to Lu Guang, suddenly sleep felt as if it would come easier.
Groaning, Cheng Xiaoshi rolled his cheek against the cold side table under him. He managed to miss smearing his face into his pool of drool by a hair. Smacking his lips together, he attempted to orient himself with his surroundings. The symphony of hospital machines was playing steadily in the darkened room.
Lu Guang? Cheng Xiaoshi searched for his voice. Lu Guang was usually speaking to him before he’d blinked twice. Lu Guang never truly slept when Cheng Xiaoshi was in a photo. Lu Guang? Are you there?
Cheng Xiaoshi rubbed his lips dry with the back edge of his wrist. For some reason, he couldn’t remember the mission. Lu Guang? Where are you? My brain is misfiring!
His anxious knee started to bounce as his eyes trailed the room. It never took Lu Guang this long. Something must be wrong. In a moment of panic, Cheng Xiaoshi brought his hands together. It wasn’t until they collided that he recognized the tuft of white under the web of cords.
Shit! Cheng Xiaoshi tumbled onto the gravel road, barely catching his footing. Had he been more graceful, perhaps he could have stealthily re-exited the photo. However, his shuffle dance to acquire balance piqued the white haired boy’s interest.
Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t need Lu Guang to say anything to know that he had silver eyes blazing into him. The gaze of ‘what the fuck are you doing’ was burned into his core at this point.
“Heyyyy Lu Guang….” Cheng Xiaoshi struggled to pull a smile across his face while uttering his awkward syllables.
Steeled eyes scanned him up and down. Cheng Xiaoshi grasped his chest, trying to control his sudden loss of physical control. Lu Guang stood under a spotlight, a stunning Angel.
Lu Guang said nothing but squint his eyes further, as if Cheng Xiaoshi was being extra alien.
Cheng Xiaoshi knew he should clap. That he wasn’t supposed to be here for this moment and that he needed to leave. His knees buckled in protest as he collided towards the ground. Lu Guang, ever protective, jolted towards him.
The brush and support of Lu Guang’s warm hands burned. He knew they were real, yet they were symbolic of a loss hanging on a thread above him.
Breaking further, Cheng Xiaoshi desperately clawed at Lu Guang’s burgundy hoodie. His fists clenched around the fabric while his face pushed into Lu Guang’s abdomen. Lu Guang’s touch was cautious as his fingers gingerly landed to tap the top of Cheng Xiaoshi’s head. Cheng Xiaoshi’s knuckles turned white as his sobs turned to screams.
“Shhh… it’s okay… I’ve got you…” Lu Guang kept his gentle pats along Cheng Xiaoshi’s head, running his slender fingers through his hair.
“I’m sorry!” Cheng Xiaoshi’s chest continued to heave as he yelled his apology into Lu Guang’s stomach.
“Why? You don’t have to be sorry.” Lu Guang’s stoic voice coupled with his calming touches worked to chip away at Cheng Xiaoshi’s distraught demeanour.
“I… I broke the rule… I know I shouldn’t be here. I don’t. I’m so-sorry.” Cheng Xiaoshi hiccuped through his trembled apology.
Lu Guang slowly lowered to a Slavic squat, one of his hands resting on Cheng Xiaoshi’s forearm, the other still in his raven hair. Silver eyes shone deep as the boy rested his forehead against Cheng Xiaoshi’s. “What happened?”
Cheng Xiaoshi shut his eyes and shook his head against Lu Guang’s. “I - I can’t tell you that.”
“How’d you get here, I mean?” If Cheng Xiaoshi was more coherent, he would understand the investigative question posed. He didn’t know that Lu Guang wasn’t aware of what happened when there was no photographer.
“You - you had this photo… behind our photo in your wallet. You - it was weird. You were looking at a security camera. Which, why were you?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s breath evened and he slowly sunk further into Lu Guang’s hold with each word.
“It was acting weird.” Lu Guang kept his answer short.
Cheng Xiaoshi dropped his head down to Lu Guang’s shoulder. “I woke up… and there were all these cords.” A quick tremble of three hit his lungs. Swallowing his tears, Cheng Xiaoshi pushed forward. “And I asked for you, but you weren’t there.” Cheng Xiaoshi tapped at his head.
“You thought you were in a photo.” Lu Guang posed it as a question, but Cheng Xiaoshi heard it as a statement.
“I’m scared, Lu Guang.” Cheng Xiaoshi pinched the fabric before him, trying to discern if he’d ever seen that hoodie or not.
“Talk to me.” Lu Guang’s voice spread easier than butter.
“I need you to wake up.” Cheng Xiaoshi gripped the material once again. Lu Guang smelled like home.
“You’re trembling.” Lu Guang whispered, his fingers caressed Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheekbone.
“I don’t want to lose you.” Cheng Xiaoshi hid his face in Lu Guang’s neck. Slender arms wrapped around Cheng Xiaoshi’s waist.
“Everything happens for a reason.” Lu Guang vaguely stated, pulling the shivering man into his hold.
“Shut up, you’re not a shitty fortune cookie.” Cheng Xiaoshi held on as tight as he could muster. The body beneath him was thinner than he’d expected, but they had been together for years. It made sense that Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn’t have noticed Lu Guang’s body changing throughout the years. It’s hard to notice the incremental changes a person goes through on a daily basis.
“Here.” Lu Guang pushed away from Cheng Xiaoshi’s hold to pull off his sweater.
Pouting, Cheng Xiaoshi accepted the soft hoodie from his partner. He furrowed his brows as the shortness of the sleeves, then shook it off. Its mal adjusted size was probably why he’d never seen Lu Guang wear it before.
Lu Guang lowered his butt to the ground and spread his legs for Cheng Xiaoshi to crawl into the space between them. Like a child, Lu Guang softly rocked Cheng Xiaoshi in his arms.
“If you don’t have me to guide you, is it possible anyone will see you when you go back?” Lu Guang’s question was a warm breath against Cheng Xiaoshi’s skin.
“It was dark when I left, but I don’t know what time.” Cheng Xiaoshi ran his nose along Lu Guang’s chest. Even his chest seemed slightly different. How far back had he gone?
“You should get back soon. You’re less likely to get caught that way.” Lu Guang’s fingers were constantly in motion. Holding Cheng Xiaoshi closer, brushing his cheek, playing with his hair.
“What if you don’t wake up, Lu Guang?” The question scraped against the sides of his throat as he choked it out. Lu Guang had to wake up. He had to.
“Then we’ll always have this mo-ment.” Lu Guang pressed his smile against the edge of Cheng Xiaoshi’s forehead.
Cheng Xiaoshi pulled away from Lu Guang’s chest. “Did your voice just crack?”
The illusion surrounding Lu Guang began to shatter. Silver eyes remained the same, but the edges he’d come to know were softened. There was no five o’clock shadow along his chin.
“Uhm…” Lu Guang blushed, his excuse sputtering.
“Oh my god. You’re blushing. Oh no. Lu Guang, how old are you?” The gravity of the dive sunk deeper.
“Uhh, am I supposed to tell you that?” Lu Guang nervously tilted his head.
The cool calm demeanor cracked far easier than his would have. Lu Guang must have been around 15 years old.
“You’re going to kill me.” Cheng Xiaoshi dropped his face into the soft burgundy fabric.
“Or… there’s a reason I left that photo there.” Lu Guang shrugged his shoulders.
Whattya think Lu Guang? Is that a good enough excuse? Cheng Xiaoshi asked the void in his mind.
Sighing, Cheng Xiaoshi slouched back into the younger version of his partner’s arms. “I love you, Lu Guang. I don’t know if I can do this without you.”
The heel of Lu Guang’s palm rested on Cheng Xiaoshi’s jaw while his thumb brushed Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheek. “I must really love you if you’re here right now.”
Cheng Xiaoshi let out a loud groan realizing that this version of Lu Guang didn’t even know his name .
“Listen.” Lu Guang rested his nose in Cheng Xiaoshi’s hair. “I have pretty high standards. So I know that you must be something special. Just be there. Hold my hand. If I have to leave, appreciate the moments we had, okay?”
Cheng Xiaoshi nodded, his fingers reaching for Lu Guang’s young hand. “I’ll be with you until your last breath. I promise.”
“I believe you.” Lu Guang gave Cheng Xiaoshi one last squeeze.
Brushing the dirt off their pants, they both stood to their feet.
“You know,” Lu Guang spot checked Cheng Xiaoshi’s clothing as he spoke. “I am excited to meet you.”
“Oh don’t worry, I’ll make you eat those words.” Cheng Xiaoshi chuckled, eyeing the dust as it drifted in the wind.
“Alright, go! I’m going to be pissed if I wake up and you’re not there!” Lu Guang waved him off.
Cheng Xiaoshi gave one last small smile. This Lu Guang didn’t know how easily Cheng Xiaoshi could read him. That he could see the fear twinkling behind his cool facade. That there was pain behind steel eyes.
Dawn was threatening to break through as Cheng Xiaoshi landed back on the uncomfortable chair. With a weak smile Cheng Xiaoshi peeled the freeze frame of the security footage off the table and returned it to its place in Lu Guang’s wallet. The sweater was still tight against Cheng Xiaoshi’s skin, but he wasn’t ready to take it off.
Scraping the chair across the floor, Cheng Xiaoshi got as close to Lu Guang’s bed as possible. He rested one arm along the hard edge of the bed to support his head, the other trailed down Lu Guang’s arm, finding its place wrapped around his paled hand.
“You gotta wake up now, Lu Guang.” Cheng Xiaoshi murmured into his sleeve. “Who else is going to yell at me for disrupting the timeline?” Cheng Xiaoshi smirked to himself before falling to sleep again.
Qiao Ling's hands squeezed together around Cheng Xiaoshi's biceps as the doctors pulled out the intubation. It was still a gamble, but it was time to happen.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes glassed over as Lu Guang’s body limply responded.
As the sun dropped, they were once again left alone in the room of machines and cords. The doctor had been thoughtful enough to lower one side of the bed so Cheng Xiaoshi could rest his head on the bed beside Lu Guang’s legs. Cheng Xiaoshi kissed the tips of Lu Guang’s fingers before settling to tracing the long digits with his own.
His eyes followed his own motions as he softly spoke to Lu Guang. “Did you know this whole time? I guess we’ll learn when you either punch me or smile when you see this hoodie.” Cheng Xiaoshi chuckled at his own proclamation.
The first twitch was so small, Cheng Xiaoshi thought he hallucinated it.
“Lu Guang?” Excitement bubbled in his chest, he dug his chin into the bed to watch his fingers intently.
Another twitch pulled at Lu Guang’s middle finger. If Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t so intent on watching each movement he would have jumped for joy. His fingers kept moving more with each breath, touching Cheng Xiaoshi’s fingers beside them. He observed them as the ring and the pinky finger of Lu Guang’s hand moved to cling at his own.
Elated adrenaline coursed through his veins. He’d never seen anything as beautiful as those two fingers clinging to his own hand.
“Idiot.” Lu Guang rasped, twisting his hand to pinch at the burgundy cuff.
“Lu Guang! Holy fuck. Lu Guang!” Cheng Xiaoshi cupped Lu Guang’s cheeks. The weakness in the white man’s expression was enough to crush Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart.
Hoarsely laughing, Lu Guang turned his face to kiss Cheng Xiaoshi’s palm.
“Don’t do this shit to me again Lu Guang, okay?” Cheng Xiaoshi demanded, trying to pretend his body wasn’t melting under Lu Guang’s soft kisses.
“I’ll do my best.” Lu Guang appeared on the verge of sleep already; a part of Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to never let him sleep again. “You know…” Lu Guang’s voice was distant, weak with exhaustion. “This was my favorite hoodie.”
“Early bird gets the worm? I started the boyfriend-hoodie-stealing thing before you even knew me?” Cheng Xiaoshi snickered, sitting where Lu Guang’s legs adjusted to make room for him.
“I’ll let you have this one.” Lu Guang nuzzled into Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand before falling back asleep.
“I love you, Lu Guang.” Cheng Xiaoshi smiled, awkwardly climbing in around Lu Guang to ensure he didn’t pull any cords or wake the white haired man up.
It was the most uncomfortable sleep of his life, yet he’d never felt more rested. He knew Lu Guang would rise with him and the morning sun.