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Regulus wasn’t sure when it changed, when they had gone from a couple who understood what the other was feeling intrinsically to the couple who couldn’t seem to get on the same page no matter how hard they tried. It can’t have happened overnight, it can’t have gone from a fairytale relationship to the walking nightmare it was now, and yet Regulus couldn’t pinpoint when it changed.
Maybe it was the first time that James hadn’t let him know he was coming out, choosing to stay out with Remus, Sirius and Peter without so much as a word to let Regulus know where he was.
Maybe it was when Regulus stopped trying to explain why he was upset, instead bottling it up deep inside; to rot and fester, turning from mild disapproval to resentment that burned deep into his bones.
Maybe neither of them were at fault, maybe all relationships were doomed from the beginning, and they were stupid enough to believe that they could be different. That the two of them would be able to defy the odds, to stay together forever.
Before this, before James, Regulus never let himself get this attached to someone. He knew, deep down, this is how all relationships ended - the fights over nothing, sleeping in separate rooms, finding any excuse to not be around each other. They’d had four happy years, four years where there wasn’t even a single argument outside of what they should get for dinner, four years of bliss.
Regulus didn’t know what went wrong in the fifth year, what had led them to this point; if he had caught it quicker, maybe they would’ve been able to fix this. Fix them.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the maybe’s, though. It was all he thought about, like a revolving door in his brain just trying to figure out; trying to solve a problem that was too far gone, trying to figure out who to place the blame on. Was it his fault? Was it James’?
Was it neither, and this beautiful thing they had built together had simply run its course?
Regulus was sat on the couch, and James was sat halfway across the room; on his phone, ignoring Regulus, ignoring the movie they had put on to watch together. Regulus tried to think back to the last time they had sat next to each other, curled up and barely watching the film because they were too engrossed in the other to truly pay attention to anything else. It had been months, Regulus wished he knew it was the last time when it happened, would’ve taken the time to memorise every part of it, to sear it into his brain forever.
He hadn’t known, at that point, he would’ve sworn they would’ve stayed together forever, defied the odds and grown old together, so he hadn’t bothered to memorise it. Why would you memorise something that happened every day? Why waste time not enjoying it, when you thought it would never end?
The movie rolled to a close, and Regulus knew what came next; it didn’t make it hurt less.
“Alright, I’m going to head to bed, are you coming with?” He stood up, fingers itching to reach out, stayed planted to his side, Regulus couldn’t face the rejection of James not taking his hand.
“I’ll come in a bit, not tired yet,” James didn’t even look up from his phone, and Regulus knew this excuse, knew it meant James wasn’t coming to bed. In the morning, he’d hear some version of ‘sorry babe, fell asleep watching the movie’. Regulus opened his mouth to argue, tears threatening to spill from the corner of his eyes, but he just gave James a small, sad, smile that went unnoticed and went to their bedroom. Alone.
The cold blankets were a reminder of everything that was missing, and Regulus knew he should tell someone, shouldn’t suffer through this by himself. He knew if he told his friends they would rally around him, bring him some semblance of comfort and love, remind him that he was someone before James, and could continue to be someone after.
But telling them meant that this was actually happening, that the end was no longer just an idea that might happen. As long as they didn’t know, as long as he kept this bottled inside, there was a chance they’d make it through this, they’d end up back where they were.
He’d never felt this hopeless, and as he stared up at the roof, he wondered what he was fighting for. The longer they went without being happy, it got harder and harder to remember what it was like, to remember how full his heart was before the cracks in it took over.
Sleep didn’t come easy, it never did anymore, so many years of sleeping next to someone else made it harder to sleep alone. As soon as he thought he might have adjusted to it, James would decide to come back to their bed, to hold Regulus until he fell asleep, and Regulus would have to start all over again.
The next morning, Regulus was greeted by the morning light coming through the window, and no sign of James in bed. It was exactly what he had expected, but his heart still gave a tug. He didn’t know how much longer he could pretend this was okay, that waking up alone was fine, that walking through his own home like a guest wasn’t breaking his heart more and more every day.
He walked out, found James curled up on the lounge, fast asleep, and for a moment a smile settled on his face. For that moment, it felt like the last five months hadn’t happened, Regulus felt his heart bloom in his chest and all the love he had for James came to the surface. Without thinking, Regulus took a step forward, wanting to curl himself into where James was laying on the couch, wanting to bury his face into James’ chest and feel his arms wrap around him.
The moment broke, and Regulus remembered the last time he’d tried to do that, when James had woken up and given him a half smile before getting straight up and off the couch, saying he’d needed to use the bathroom. Regulus had waited for him to come back, James hadn’t.
The tears that were always waiting on the side lines started to spill down his cheeks, Regulus couldn’t move, he stayed stuck on the spot and watched James as he tried to keep his sobs silent. It was gut wrenching, and as he stood there crying, Regulus realised there was no saving this. There was no rebuilding, it didn’t matter how much he still loved James, it didn’t matter that he would do anything to fix this. There was nothing left to fix. They were roommates who sometimes, when James felt like it, would share a bed, would fuck. Two people who lived in the same house, masquerading as two people in a relationship.
Regulus knew this was for the better, he knew that no matter how much it hurt to leave, he could rebuild himself. Regulus could fix himself, even if he couldn’t fix them.
He took another moment to watch James, taking the time to memorise, no matter how much it hurt, the way he looked. His hair was more of a mess than usual, curled up on a couch that was too small for him, his expression was so peaceful, so relaxed. Regulus lifted his hand, and carefully, too soft to wake James, pushed a few ringlets of hair off his face; he cupped James’ cheek with one hand, stroking a thumb lightly over his cheek bone. James pushed his face into the touch, letting out a soft noise of contentment, and it broke Regulus’ heart all over again.
Regulus let out a soft sigh and left the room, making himself a coffee and sitting at the breakfast bar. James would be up eventually, and Regulus needed to do this before he lost the confidence, before he talked himself out of it again.
He could hear as James woke up half an hour later, Regulus listened as he walked around the house. Their bedroom door opened, then the bathroom door, every second felt like an hour as he waited for James to finally make his way to the kitchen. Maybe he wouldn’t, maybe he would walk out the front door, start his weekend and not even say goodbye.
Eventually, though, James did come into the kitchen, and Regulus’ breath hitched at the smile James gave him. It was moments like this that made it worse, and more confusing, it was so clear that they still loved each other, but there was something missing; something stopping them from being the way they were.
“Good morning, love,” James came over to him, planting a kiss on the top of Regulus’ head and went to the counter to make himself a coffee. Regulus couldn’t stop the tears that immediately fell, his hands started shaking as he watched James, who was once again oblivious to Regulus’ world crumbling around him.
“James, we need to talk,” the words came out as a harsh whisper, every part of Regulus screaming at him to not do this, to continue to live in delusion where at least they were still together, even if it hurt.
James turned to look at Regulus, and his face dropped; worry and concern clouding his features, but he didn’t come closer, he stayed where he was, waiting for Regulus to continue.
“This, this isn’t working, anymore,” the tears wouldn’t stop, they were spilling down his cheeks and his chest was heaving as he tried to keep his tone neutral, as if his voice breaking would be that step too far, would show James just how broken he was. There was silence, Regulus watched as James processed the words, watched his face fall even further, but he still didn’t take a step forward, still didn’t reach out. Regulus wanted to scream at him to fight for this, to grapple on until there was nothing left but claw marks in each other, the way he had been doing for months on his own.
“What do you mean, Reg?” James still wasn’t moving, but Regulus could see as his eyes got shiny with tears, he swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head, trying to subtly wipe the tears from his own face as he did.
“I think we need to break up,” his voice wavered, and Regulus hated himself for it. It was true, it was what they needed; but Regulus didn’t want this, he wanted to wrap himself in James’ arms and for everything to be okay, for the pain to subside and the all consuming love to come back, for it to be the way it was before.
“No, no we don’t need to, what the fuck are you talking about Regulus?” James was yelling, despite the tears that were settled on his face, and for a moment Regulus thought there was a chance, that maybe James would fight for them the way Regulus wanted to, “Where has this even come from? Everything has been good.”
That was the other shoe dropping; James either didn’t realise the way they had separated, or he was pretending everything was fine. This wasn’t James fighting to work back to where they were, this was James fighting to stay as they are.
“Are you fucking kidding, James? How the fuck has any of this been good? We barely even talk anymore, you won’t even come to bed with me anymore,” Regulus’ voice raised to match James’, his own anger shining through as his fingers clutched around the now cold coffee mug in front of him, knuckles turning white as he held onto it for dear life.
“Oh, what? I didn’t come to bed with you last night so we just throw the whole relationship away?” Regulus couldn’t help himself, he laughed; it came out bitter, and humourless, but it was laughter nonetheless and James looked caught off guard; Regulus wiped his tears away, this time more didn’t follow after.
“Was it just last night, James? Come on, think real hard, when was the last time you actually slept in the same bed as me unless you wanted to fuck? Weeks? Months? Because I don’t fucking remember, it’s been even longer since I woke up and you were still there, you get what you want and then you just fucking go about your day,” this was better, despite how Regulus hated it, the anger was easier. Anger was comfortable, it wasn’t vulnerable the way sadness was, Regulus felt in control when he was angry.
“Are you serious right now?” Regulus shook his head, an angry grin spreading over his face as he stared up at James, his tongue traced his teeth as he waited for James to say something more, to keep talking. He didn’t.
“Alright, bud. Why don’t you tell me why I should stay, huh? So you can keep ignoring me? So you can go out, not tell me when you’re coming home, and I can sit there wondering if it’s because you’re actually just that fucking selfish that you don’t care if I worry, or if it’s because you’ve found someone more interesting to spend your nights with?” James looked taken aback, and it dawned on Regulus that maybe James truly, had no idea that they had reached this point. Regulus had known for months, had mapped it out in his mind; he knew this is where they would end up, all roads led to here.
And James hadn’t even thought there was something wrong. James hadn’t even realised that they were growing apart. That he only came to Regulus when there was nobody else, when all the other options were gone.
It hurt, it hurt a lot worse than when he had thought they both just didn’t know how to get back on the right track, when he thought they were both on the same page of loving each other, but couldn’t put the puzzle pieces together.
Instead, James just. Didn’t care anymore. Hadn’t realised, had no idea that he had left Regulus all alone, after promising he would never do that. After promising they would be able to talk through anything.
“I love you, I love you so much, I don’t understand why you’re doing th-”
“Why I’m doing this?” Regulus pointed at himself, interrupting James, “Get the fuck over yourself, you checked out of this relationship months ago. Do not put the blame on me because I deserve better than you.”
The silence settled over the room; and Regulus could have laughed at the irony of that sentence. At the beginning of their relationship, before they were officially together, when they were still figuring everything out; that had been his main fear. Someone like him had never deserved someone like James, it took convincing, took James showing him that he loved Regulus, that Regulus deserved the world. And this was how it was ending, the other side of that same coin; Regulus knew what he deserved now.
It was James who no longer deserved him, and Regulus could see how the words cut through him. All the anger left James’ body, he deflated as he held his head in his hands and Regulus could see the tears that were pouring, but it was too late, now.
“I do-don’t understand,” James hiccupped through sobs, looking up at Regulus through wet eyelashes and Regulus gave him a sad smile.
“I know you don’t,” and he did, he understood deep in his core that James, for whatever reason, had lost sight of them. This whole conversation, a complete surprise, as if there were no signs that this was coming.
“Can’t we work on it? I can be better, I can do better, this, we aren’t over, I love you. I love you so much, Regulus. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Regulus’ tears were building up again, and despite the fact he knew he shouldn’t; he stood up, walking over to James and pulling him into a tight hug. James hunched over, burying his face in Regulus’ shoulder as he cried into it, and Regulus curled his fingers into James’ hair.
The thing is, Regulus had learnt from his mistakes; he was silent as he took in all of it, the way James fit into his arms, the scent of his shampoo, the way Regulus’ pale skin was contrasted against James’ darker tone. He memorised all of it, pressing his lips to the side of James’ hair, letting his lips linger as he forced himself to remember every single second.
Then, he pulled away, lifting his hands to cup at James’ cheeks and giving him a small smile, placing one last, lingering, kiss to his lips. He let out his own sob as James’ hands circled his body, trying to pull him in tight; trying to keep him where he was.
Regulus wondered if James was once again too absorbed in his own feelings to realise that this was a goodbye, that this was Regulus giving him comfort one last time, that Regulus was selfishly drinking in every last drop he was able to get before he walked away.
“We can’t, James,” Regulus brushed his thumb over James’ cheek bone, reminiscent of what he had done earlier while James was asleep, and he gave James a sad smile as his face broke into an expression of despair, “I’m sorry, you’ve been fine without me the last few months, I’m sure you’ll work it out. I love you, but this isn’t, we aren’t good anymore.”
James pressed his face into Regulus’ hand, and Regulus wanted to take it back, for a moment. Wanted to let James know that they could fix this, that everything would be fine; there was nothing they couldn’t talk through. But Regulus knew, as they stood there and he was once again, the one comforting James as his own heart broke, this was for the best. This was the last page, and one of them would move out to leave the other in a house that echoed the memories of them.
Regulus couldn’t help himself, it was his turn to be selfish; it was his turn to take and take, despite how much it hurt James in turn. He leant forward, pressing their lips together, their tears combining on their cheeks as he licked into James’ mouth, pressing him into the counter. James was gripping at his shirt too tightly, twisting the fabric in his fingers, and Regulus knew that it wouldn’t sit the same afterwards, just another thing left ruined by their love.
It went on too long, Regulus lost himself in it; in James, in the tiny part of his brain that clouded over the ending, and focussed on this instead. But, eventually, he pulled away, ignoring as James chased after his lips; pressing his hand into James’ chest to keep him where he was.
There were no more words to be shared, nothing left to be said; only the pain of walking away from someone that six months ago Regulus was sure he would’ve died for, died with. Regulus gave James one last sad smile, and resisted the urge to lean back in, to join their lips together one last time.
Instead, he turned around and left the room; even as he heard James’ sobs echo through the house, he went to what was once their room and looked around. His own heart broke at a place that perfectly encapsulated the two of them, there were photos on the wall of them, James’ posters and Regulus’ books. It was their space, a space they built when they were happy. Regulus wanted to tear it all down, but he didn’t.
He packed his bag, not letting himself cry again as he did so, and left a note for James on the bed. They would have to talk again, they would have to work out the stupid things that remained after a break up; who took what, who would stay in the house, a list of things to be divided that had once belonged to both of them.
He forced himself not to think about it, as he walked to the front door, he could still hear James crying in the kitchen; he took one last glance over his shoulder, despite knowing he wouldn’t be able to see him from where he was. One last moment, where they lived in a world that still had them; he lived in it, for just a second, thought of what could’ve been, of what they had both been so sure they would have become.
And then Regulus walked out the door; leaving it all behind, even as his own heart ached at the loss.