Chapter Text
It's been several months since Heinz gave up Evil to become a science teacher. Everything's been relatively quiet in Danville since then.
Perry has had to break into Danville High School several times to prevent a "quirky and unique science class" from endangering a large crowd of teenagers, but since Doofenshmirtz had no intentions of endangering them anyway, they teamed up and resolved the issue quickly.
Agent P and Doofenshmirtz make a good team, so none of these mishaps have gone beyond 'code orange.' Most mishaps ended up being described as a 'code yellow,' which means Doof was only under low surveillance for now.
At this point in time, low surveillance meant a monthly visit from his nemesis, a certain Agent P.
***
Agent P arrived at Doofenshmirtz (...) Incorporated at eight in the morning, significantly earlier than he was instructed to by his superiors, but not so early that it would disturb anyone's sleep.
Perry intended to knock three times, but after he'd rapped the wood of the apartment's door just once, the door flew open.
"Ah, Agent P. I would like to claim I am surprised to see you, but that would be a lie. You see, I was waiting at the door for you to knock because breakfast is ready and I am starving!"
Heinz made a grand gesture at his dining table, where a simple egg and bacon breakfast sat waiting.
"But as you know, it is rude to start before everyone is at the table."
Perry nodded in agreement and stepped into the apartment. He undid his jacket and hung it on a hook by the door and loosened his cufflinks. As he walked over and sat himself down he rolled up his sleeves.
As he sat, Heinz brought over a teapot and poured both of them a cup.
"When you sent that message that you couldn't make it last week, I was worried we'd have to skip a month. It's unlike you to reschedule." Heinz noted curiously as he paid an unusual amount of attention to his pouring. Heinz glanced up for just a second at the agent, who caught the relief on his features.
He sat down on the chair next to the agent. The table was long and wide; big enough to seat 6 to 8 people easily. But when Heinz adjusted his leg his knees still brushed Perry's. Neither man took the time to move away.
This was a new development, and by the nervous way Heinz blinked, Perry could tell it was intentional. Perry smiled briefly and adjusted his posture without preventing his knee from gliding against the other man's thigh.
Doofenschmirtz dropped his fork and scrambled to grab it, his face colored several shades darker than normal.
Perry suppressed a smile at seeing the other man flushed. "I was out of the country." Perry signed in ASL with a neutral expression before he got to work adding milk to his tea.
"If you'd given me a heads-up I would've pushed a week early," Heinz said in a tone that indicated he'd missed the agent the week before. He'd gotten hold of his cutlery once more and got to work on his eggs. Perry briefly considered moving his leg again, but knew the doctor would call him out on it if he was too obvious about it now.
"It was a surprise trip," Perry signed with a grimace. "Evil chemist in Brazil tried to poison the water supply."
Heinz was about to take a bite of egg, "A mission then, Agent P?"
Perry nodded.
"I assume you beat them?" Heinz asked, his egg still hanging from his fork. The man's eyes took a quick look over the agent, trying to find any wounds or scratches. Perry knew he wouldn't be able to find any, not when he was fully dressed.
"I always do." Perry signed with a confident smile. Agent P's posture radiated confidence in a way that would be presumptuous in most situations, but seeing as Perry had always used body language to communicate in a matter that made him easy to read, meant that Heinz had seen this smug look many times before.
Usually, that smile came out when Heinz was cursing the agent, but nowadays that didn't tend to happen much anymore.
Heinz huffed in mock annoyance, took a bite from his plate, and started talking again before he'd finished chewing. "So, you have a new nemesis then?" The look on Heinz's face was supposed to read casual interest, but since the man had never been good at lying, it clearly broadcast mild panic.
Agent P had been about to take a bite, but Doofenshmirtz's tone made him pause. Perry put his cutlery down (a shame because he'd like to have his breakfast before it got too cold) and shook his head.
It was clear to Perry that the thought made Heinz nervous, which made sense.
Heinz had been Perry's nemesis for many years, the thought of being replaced would make anyone jealous. Aside from that, there was also the inherent danger a new nemesis brought. Depending on the evil-doers' evil score, agents could get very hurt (or worse,) and the first few months of the new nemesis-ship were very dangerous.
Before Perry came to be Doofenshmirtz's nemesis, Heinz had beaten three OWCA agents. None of them were hurt badly enough to cause lasting injury, and all of them continued working under other missions, but they'd been unable to prevent the doctor from accomplishing his evil goals. If Perry was to be placed under a new nemesis, the odds of him sustaining a serious injury -or worse- were high, even if he was a highly trained and very successful agent.
Heinz's 'evil' had been a very strange, kid-friendly version of 'evil' which was quite rare. Yet his evil score had been astronomically high, simply because of his unpredictable nature. The fact that all his inators actually worked was also worrisome, meaning that Parry had to be successful.
Most people hell-bent on world domination didn't mind some maiming or killing, but Heinz had always found it distasteful. According to him 'making your nemesis witness your success' was a way better form of revenge than bloody murder.
Perry had always counted himself lucky to get Heinz as a nemesis, when he returned home from beating him, he'd rarely have to explain wounds or fractures.
Instead, Perry had come home covered in glitter so many times, that Lawrence had sat him down and nervously asked him if he got a job in a strip club. When Perry'd burst out in laughter, Lawrence had chuckled along nervously, but still demanded an explanation. Perry hadn't blamed him for his suspicion and made up a story of an office prank war that was getting very out of hand.
But Perry's glitter-covered days were over, and now that Doofenshmirtz wasn't taking up his time, Perry was spending more and more time on international missions with higher risk levels.
When he'd returned from Brazil he was victorious, but he was sporting some impressive bruises and scrapes that he had to hide from Linda and Candace. They tended to worry the most over his mystery injuries, which was annoying because they were also the most perceptive.
"I'm not taking a new nemesis," Perry signed in a definite tone.
Heinz immediately deflated. "Oh thank Gott, I'll be honest with you Agent P. I don't like the idea of you getting a new nemesis at all! That would mean we can't schedule monthly checks anymore and some other agent would have to come by, right?"
Perry had taken this chance to take a big bite of his breakfast. it was good. So the agent nodded and pointed at his plate. "This is good."
"Oh thank you, Agent P. Vanessa really liked it when I made this. you know, before she went vegetarian, but I never feel like making this just for myself."
The conversation stalled for a moment as both men ate. Then Heinz found a new topic to discuss and kept it up for the remainder of their breakfast.
Perry sat back to listen, nodding along and accepting more tea, but otherwise, he wasn't needed to keep the conversation flowing. Heinz was very adept at conversing by himself.
Perry caught himself leaning on one elbow, nodding along to Heinz's story as the man rambled on about his experience at the grocery store. Perry's shoulders relaxed and a gentle smile crept across his features. He was enjoying himself, and by the way, Heinz kept talking, unconcerned with being too loud or annoying Perry, it was clear to the agent that his friend was also enjoying himself.
For the last six months, Perry'd barely seen Heinz, especially compared to the daily visits he used to pay before Heinz turned to the light side. In the beginning, he'd stopped by every day, just in case. After a few weeks, he only had to visit every other day, then once a week, and now only once a month.
Though neither of them would complain out loud about this change, they both knew that once a month was not enough to sate their friendship, and Perry's visits had begun to stretch longer and longer.
Perry now arrived before breakfast and didn't leave till midnight. OWCA had nothing to do with this timeframe, as a matter of fact, they were vaguely annoyed by it because it meant Perry typed up his reports a day late.
And yet Heinz would fidget when Perry redid his sleeves at the end of the day and collected his jacket because he had to leave.
The last time, now five weeks ago, Heinz had stammered and for one heart-stopping moment, Perry had wondered if Heinz would invite him to stay the night. But then the man had sighed and hunched deeper before saying "Get home safe, Agent P. I'll see you next month, right?" in a dejected tone.
Perry had considered staying. He wasn't ready to leave yet and Doofenshmirtz would definitely let him stay if he'd asked. But OWCA would not approve and make a big fuss, which Perry wasn't ready for.
So now the ex-nemeses were stuck in some sort of strange limbo; only able to spend one day a month together and trying to compress a month full of interactions into that time.
It was getting harder and harder for Perry, and by the way, Heinz kept finding eye contact during his story, he had a feeling that Heinz was also desperately clinging to their time together.
After breakfast Perry helped Heinz clear the table, and when he handed over his tea mug their fingers met. Heinz seemed to freeze, always slightly nervous when Perry touched him outside of fights. Perry lingered, noticing his strange urge to take the man's hand and hold it. Perry fought this strange instinct and handed over the cup, acting as if he hadn't noticed the electricity in the air, but enjoying the way Heinz immediately fumbled the cup.
When the cup escaped Doofenschmirtz's grasp and started tumbling to the ground, Perry snatched it back and deposited it in Heinz's waiting hand with a dashing smile. He had to look away because the look on Heinz's face would have had him bursting out laughing. Had Heinz always gotten this nervous around Perry before, or had Perry really never smiled at the man to the point that a friendly expression was this shocking?
Breakfast managed to last till eleven, at which point Agent P saw fit to interrupt Heinz's thoughts on cooking shows by announcing it was time to look around the lair, before they had lunch.
The main reason Perry was still being sent over to Doofenschmirtz (...) incorporated was to check his lair for suspicious activity, and the two of them had long ago figured out that if Perry described several mysterious machines in his report, he would have to return next time to check up on them. So, Heinz agreed with a smile and made sure to show Agent P every device he was working on, and described their use so poorly that there was always a possibility for it to be evil.
After the two had stood around a half-disassembled toaster oven for twenty minutes, trying to come up with a potential for evil, and having a hard time, Perry simply jotted down "potential fire-inator" on his notepad and decided to call his work done.
Though there was no need for Perry to inspect Heinz's living quarters as well, they had made a habit out of it when they first started these visits, as a way to stretch them longer. This lasted for several visits before Heinz just straight up invited his ex-nemesis to stay for dinner, and so the new routine was born.
The lab and living space were connected by a set of stairs and a short hallway. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has never had an eye for interior decorating, which is why Perry was surprised to find a small painting leaning against the baseboard in the hallway.
Heinz continued on, chatting continuously, not noticing when the agent paused and squatted beside the painting.
Perry carefully took the wooden frame and turned the painting over, curious to see the art, wondering if Heinz had made it.
Perry immediately realized that Heinz had not made this painting; it was way too old for that. Behind a thick, discolored layer of varnish was a portrait of a young woman with brown hair. Her expression was neutral, or maybe mildly annoyed, but because she had very fair features she did not come across negatively at all, she simply looked pensive.
The girl's hair was braided in an intricate manner and wrapped around her head. She was dressed like a German chambermaid from the late 18th century. Across the painting's surface were many little cracks and several spots across the girl's face were broken apart showing raw canvas.
Perry adjusted the painting to inspect it.
"She looks like Vanessa, doesn't she?"
Perry was not used to being caught off guard, so he was startled. Heinz grabbed onto Perry's shoulders to steady him.
"Oops, sorry," Heinz said in apology and looked back at the portrait in Perry's hands, his chin resting on the agent's shoulder.
Perry looked the painting over again, not looking at how old or damaged it was, but instead focusing on the girl. She did indeed look a bit like Vanessa, she had big eyes and a small pointy nose, and a carefully bored expression. Perry had many questions to ask, but with the painting cradled in his hands, he could not speak.
"It's a family heirloom," Heinz explained as if he could smell the questions that were on Perry's mind. "My mother brought it over from Drusselstein many years ago and it has been in her attic for almost twenty years. Recently she was up there, looking for one of Roger's trophies and she stumbled upon it. She also thought it looked a lot like Vanessa, so she showed it to me.
I asked if I could keep it, but I don't know where to put it. I googled it, and apparently, I'm not supposed to hang it in the kitchen, or in direct sunlight. What do you think, Agent P."
Heinz's hand was still resting on the agent's shoulders, warm and unnaturally heavy. It was quite comforting. When Heinz straightened his fingers and went to reach for the frame they were so close to Perry's ears that he could actually hear the tiny mechanisms moving inside. Heinz slowly lifted the painting from Agent P's hands and turned it slightly.
"It's damaged," Perry observed, now that his hands were free.
"Well yeah, but it's also very old. I considered hanging it behind glass, but knowing me, that would just break and cut it up even more." Heinz turned the painting over once more and pointed out old writing on the back of the painting, indicating its age.
"Have it restored," Perry signed simply, almost as if giving an order.
"Restored?" Heinz repeated and looked the painting over once more, but in a different subtext. "I don't know, Agent P. It's really not worth all that much, except for maybe sentimentally, and I think that repairs might be very expensive to have done. Then again, if I ask Charlene nicely, and show her the picture she might agree. Do you think she will agree that it looks like Vanessa?"
Agent P nodded and pulled out his wallet, flipped through some of the pockets, and then pulled out a business card. He held it between his fingers for a moment, staring at it.
It was an incredibly risky thing to do, but Heinz hadn't been evil for months, and if OWCA was as stupid as they've proven themselves to be in the last few years, it was a risk he could take. The only person Perry would have to look out for was Carl, he was the clever one.
Perry hesitantly handed the business card over to Heinz who looked it over with a frown. "Fletcher Antiques and Restoration" He read dubiously. "Hey, this is in town."
"Ask a quote?" Perry suggested and gestured at the painting. "It's small."
Heinz hummed and handed the painting off to Perry to inspect the card. Perry carefully set the painting back on the floor and placed one hand on the small of Doof's back to lead him up the stairs and into the living room.
Heinz stuck the card in his pocket and didn't mention it again whilst he led Perry through all the rooms in his apartment, served him lunch, watched a movie with him, had dinner, and then sat with him as the sun set over the city.
The evening had turned to night, an old movie was playing on the tv, but Perry hadn't paid attention to one minute of it. Heinz had pulled up a schematic for something he was building and was explaining the parts to Perry, who nodded along seriously, when his watch beeped softly, breaking through the still atmosphere in the room.
Perry tapped the glass quickly to silence it and laid one hand on Heinz's forearm.
"That means you have to leave now, right?" Heinz asked softly.
Perry nodded and sighed before reaching for his shoes, which had come off several hours ago.
"You'll be back next month, right?" Heinz asked nervously, his voice uncharacteristically soft.
Perry smiled and nodded. But if he was honest with himself he wasn't that confident.
Heinz really was working towards a clean record, and Perry had proven himself to be a valuable field agent, not because he's been trying hard to prove himself, but simply because he kept surviving the most dangerous missions OWCA could send him on.
Carl kept most of the records, and he would urge Monogram to keep sending Perry over, but what Perry would end up doing was up to Monogram's whims. All it took was Major Monogram ordering Perry not to go anymore and Perry would never get to see Heinz again.
After Perry put on his shoes, he stood and found his jacket by the door. When he turned, Heinz stood awkwardly beside it.
"Drive safe," Heinz said lamely as if he had no idea what else to say.
Once again Perry nodded as he shrugged on his jacket.
"Take care," Perry responded and then placed one hand on Heinz's shoulder, right above where his prosthetic ended, and squeezed.
Doofenshmirtz looked at his shoulder silently, then followed Perry's arm back to his face. "This can't be it, right?" He sounded sad, and Perry's suspicion that his lies were seen through was confirmed.
Agent P sighed deeply before stepping closer and carefully wrapping his arms around Heinz. Not a moment later the doctor wrapped his long arms back around him as well, and for almost a minute the pair stood wrapped in each other's arms silently.
When Perry eventually stepped away, Heinz's hands slid from his back, to his shoulders, and along his arms, in an attempt to make the contact last longer.
"I'll see you soon, Agent P." Heinz did not sound very confident, and despite the words he said, they sounded like a goodbye to Perry.
Perry nodded, turned to the door, opened it, and shot one last look at Heinz. His expression was painfully remorseful.
Then Perry headed for the elevator, which opened immediately when Perry pressed the button. Agent P did not look back.
Behind him, Heinz stood in the doorway, hunching lower than normal and not closing the door till long after the elevator doors closed.