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Nat didn’t know much about the world.
One thing she knew now was Lottie Matthews, though. Since that night, she had begun to look for a little more in Lottie. (Whether it was because of jealousy or just a genuine curiosity—the line that separated each emotion just seemed far too blurry for Nat to comprehend).
Well, she didn’t know it then, but Lottie is left-handed and likes Florence + The Machine. She plays it religiously and has all the tapes. She also prefers to play against Shauna when she’s trying to improve her defense, and Tai when she’s trying to practice her footwork. But if either of them aren’t available, Nat notes how Lottie, like a magnet, naturally just gravitates to Laura Lee.
She’s not disappointed at all. Really, it’s anything but, when Lottie jogs up to Laura Lee, because she smiles when she does and Nat really likes Lottie’s smile.
Nat doesn’t usually pair up with the same person for more than two times in a row. Sometimes, when Van and her share a laugh in health class, she’ll ask her to join her and Tai for a couple of drills. Nat likes it; she likes Tai and Van a lot. But she just feels like she’s floating when she’s with them—untethered.
She feels a little more grounded when Jackie partners up with her. Nat can tell that Jackie will always want to be with Shauna, but she never makes it blatantly clear. She’s always grinning, telling Nat gossip that she’s heard in the bathroom—as if she were a replacement Shauna. She knows that Jackie treats her so, but it makes her feel light, all the same.
But on the days that Lottie is not partnered with Shauna, Tai, or even an absent Laura Lee, Lottie will jog up to Nat, smile as wide as that night, and tell her “Partners, Madam?"
And always, again and again, Nat will make her body shake with silent laughs, nodding as she does. And then they would play, wind rushing past their ears, feet shaking the earth as Nat remembered the winds of that night. Lottie always had the best footwork, though, so she would always score on her, somehow magically blocking every shot and finding ways around Nat.
Nat didn’t care. She was usually a sore loser. But she liked to see Lottie smile, above winning. (And the way Lottie navigated—was like a science. And this was the only science Nat didn’t mind.)
__
On Friday, Laura Lee is absent and Van and Tai pair up. Which leaves Nat to be partnered with Lottie. And, like always, Lottie is winning by a good 10 points.
“Nat,” Lottie says with breathy laughs. “Don't let Tai see you play like this. She'll get Van to throttle you. At least score on me once while they’re watching. For your sake.”
Nat just shrugs, smiling as she does. “I’ll try. But you’ve got the best footwork out of all of us, Matthews. And on top of that, you’ve got, like long ass legs and a fuckin’ attitude when you have the ball. I mean, shit, you’ve got me questioning everything…”
(That sounds weird, Nat thinks.)
She continues. “Like, my abilities when you’ve got the ball.”
And Lottie (like always), just looks down shyly, all while hiding her face with cupped hands, laughing softly as she does. “God. Don’t say what you don’t mean, Nat.”
Nat (like always) smiles gently. She smiles the same smile from the parking lot, real and genuine, and shrugs and says “I know, I know; I’ll go to hell if I lie. But I swear it, Lot. You’re the best out of all of us. Even Laura Lee swears it, cuss words and everything. She has to mean it if she swears, Lot, because we all know what she’s like—”
“Nat…” Lottie warns. “Don’t be like that…”
She runs up to Lottie. Not to take the ball from her hold, but to just nudge her cheekily. “You know what I mean. I mean, like she said, I’d be shocked if you’re not picked for captain next year.”
Lottie raises her eyebrows. And then, under her breath, she whispers “...Laura… Laura Lee said that?”
“Yeah.” Nat says, putting both hands at her hips, tilting her head. “And honestly, I second it. If the coach doesn’t make you captain next year and stays with Jackie… He might as well just sabotage our plane to states and make sure we never land. Anyone other than you will definitely lead to our fiery deaths for sure.”
“ And you agreed with her?” Lottie asks, like her having a chance of being captain was the most absurd thing she’s ever heard.
“Yeah, dude.”
“Well, how am I supposed to not let you score on me after that?” Lottie groans, backing up defensively with the ball, backing up to her makeshift two coned goal. She’s all red, and Nat laughs at that. “You’re just saying all that cheesy crap to get past me, huh?”
But Nat genuinely meant it, despite her snickering. Because of course Lottie had the best footwork, and of course she had the best legs… (because they were long… no other reason).. And of course she’s the type to deny it, again and again, because she’s just that kind of person. Sunshine and rainbows with something piercing at the end. But Nat just grins, and lies sweetly through her teeth, because Lottie doesn’t need to know about her stupidly soft centre. “Of course I’m lying. We all know I’m secretly the best anyway.”
Lottie sighs. It sounds of bashfulness and relief, and Nat doesn’t know if that’s because Lottie is Lottie or if she’s actually feeling that way—
The whistle blows, and Lottie and Nat’s eyes shoot to Coach Scott. “Lottie! Nat! Enough chatting or you’ll be doing suicides after practice with Misty!”
Nat and Lottie’s stares shoot over to an over enthusiastic Misty, waving excitedly at the both of them.
Nat shoots a glance at Lottie, who’s face seems to have shaped into an awkward grimace. And Nat snorts and coughs at that sight, but not before choking out harsh, raspy laughs and slapping her knee as she did. But then Lottie notices Nat laughing and makes another weird face to hold back her laughs, but that in turn makes Nat laugh harder— which then makes Lottie give in and giggle and bend over— And then Nat is having the the hardest laugh of her life when—
TWEEET!
“Matthews! Scatorccio!” Coach Scott yells, annoyed. Lottie and Nat’s laughs die down. “You’ll be here after practice to do an extra 10 laps around the field! Separately!”
He looks over at Misty. “With Misty making sure you both are not running next to each other. You’re both not going to be home until 5:30!”
Nat laughs at how red Coach’s scrunched up, annoyed face looks, but stops once she catches a glimpse of Lottie’s pale one from her peripheral vision.
___
They continue their drills without another word, as per Lottie's unspoken, pale-faced request.
___
In the locker room after practice, the rest of the team is changing and saying their goodbyes. Tai and Van are catching the bus home together, and Shauna and Jackie are going to catch Jeff’s game at the baseball diamond, etcetera, etcetera.
Meanwhile, Lottie and Nat are just taking a water break. Well, it’s more-so Nat taking the water break, because Lottie is over by Laura Lee, saying something Nat can’t quite hear.
As she drinks her water, Nat catches two things: Lottie begging Laura Lee to do something (while Laura Lee looks unsure), and then Lottie saying that she’ll make it up to her by going to Church with her on Sunday. Nat assumes that Lottie’s apologising for not being able to drive Laura Lee home.
Nat doesn’t think much of it until she notices Lottie lean into the shelf inside her locker, and slam the locker door extra hard before wandering outside. Worriedly, Nat chugs the rest of her water. Then tossing her water bottle inside her locker, Nat slams her locker door shut before jogging outside to try and catch Lottie.
_____
“You good, Lot?” Nat asks, jogging to catch up with Lottie.
“Umm…” Lottie murmurs, walking slightly faster toward the field. She shrugs, and smiles faintly. “I guess.”
“You know you can tell me if you…” Nat mutters, trailing off. Her face burns red as she pauses her words. If you need—what? Help? Comfort? No, too personal, Nat thinks.
She continues. “You can tell me if you need a favour.”
“Yeah.” Lottie says, lips pinched, and just stares straight ahead at Misty. She marches forward, a woman on a mission. “Of course.”
Like from the parking lot, Nat feels like the lack of eye contact hurts far more than it should. But, this time, she tries to catch Lottie’s gaze, holding Lottie back by her forearm and forcing her to turn around. “C’mon, Lot. We can just go and ditch. Misty’s not gonna be able to catch us,” Nat offers with a grin. “I’ll buy us slurpees or something. Let’s go.”
Lottie, surprisingly, pulls back. She bites her lip. With the expression on her lips, Nat can’t quite tell whether she looked stressed or annoyed. (Both were obviously bad, but something inside of Nat prays that Lottie hasn’t already grown annoyed at her.)
“I… I can’t.” Lottie says quietly.
“C’mon, live a little, Matthews!” Nat says, tone light. “My treat?”
Then, for the first time in a long time, Lottie pulls her arm out of Nat’s grasp. “Nat…I can’t have Misty or Coach… Like, fucking tell on me to my parents. They’re already mad at me for getting fired, and… I made Laura Lee uncomfortable by asking her to lie for me. And she hates lying. It’s only because of her that I’m not coming home to a bunch of pissed off parents… And…”
Nat sees Lottie’s fists curl into themselves. “I can’t have that on me right now.”
Nat deflates. “Oh.”
Fuck, Nat. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking stupid—
“I’m sorry, Nat.”
Lottie walks to Misty.
Walks further away from Nat.
Nat hates it.
(So, reluctantly, Nat follows. )
___
Weirdly enough, when Lottie gives her the silent treatment, Nat finds herself to be more drawn to her.
More attentive of her actions, in other words.
Although Florence + the Machine is her favourite artist, Nat now knows that Lottie hides a tape from K.D lang in her locker under her gym strip. Though, she doesn’t know why Lottie would need to be so ashamed. K.D Lang didn’t do anything weird or sexist or some shit.
Another thing Nat now knows is that although Lottie is not ashamed of her left-handedness, she often tries to write with her right hand when she’s writing good copies of her essays in English class. Nat knows this because accidentally stared too long at Lottie’s hands and noticed how Lottie will write her rough drafts with her left hand, but writes anything else with her right. (Nat thinks it's because Mr. Wallace had stated her left-handedness made things smudgy, but she wouldn’t be surprised if Lottie just taught herself to do that for fun. She was always an overachiever, anyway.)
But the most intriguing thing: Nat now notices how Lottie looks at other girls. She can’t quite decode it.
Well, Nat knows how Lottie stares at boys. She’s noticed at games, at parties, in class.
Lottie looks at them like one would look at a piece of gum stuck at the bottom of their desk. Miffed expressions, but nothing out of the ordinary. No wrinkled faces, or sour faces.
Those are simply reserved for her parents. (And Misty).
But girls. She doesn’t know how Lottie stares at them. It’s curious.
Sometimes, Nat will be watching Lottie’s eyes stare at Jackie’s hands during their pregame huddles while she talks. And she maybe, yeah, she finds it a bit odd how Lottie will stare at Jackie’s fucking hands instead of her eyes while she’s talking—but she just shrugs it off. Jackie has mesmerising hands when she talks animatedly, sure. Nat can agree with that.
But Nat also notices that, while in the locker room, Lottie will sometimes let her eyes wander to Van’s bare fucking back. Bra half-off and everything. And Nat will (guiltily) stare at Lottie’s lips tucking in between her teeth in a fascinating fashion; curiosity and excitement rolled into one motion. And then, when Van puts on her bra-clip completely and turns back around to talk to the other girls, it’s a chain reaction as Lottie jerks her head away from Van and Nat jerks her head away from Lottie.
And Nat can see why Lottie would do that. Lottie’s shy sometimes, and maybe…
…Maybe she was just looking for the brand of Van’s sports bra. (Nat’s done that before to Jackie. And Tai. Yeah. That’s it.)
____
It’s a late Friday night when Nat sees Lottie next. It’s at a post game party.
It was meant to only be for the Yellowjacket girls, but Jackie caved and let Jeff and his cronies join in with their party. It started out fun, but it ended up getting boring for Nat once the team split into different directions—leaving Nat to simmer alone in the corner with a red cup of crappy beer.
Nat is hanging out in the corner of Jackie’s living room when Mari approaches her, a tad bit tipsy. “Looks like the double J’s are going upstairs to hook-up.” Mari snickers, nudging Nat with her shoulder. “God, I can’t believe it’s the second time in a row they’re hooking up at a party…”
“Huh?” Nat asks. “Who the fuck is double J?”
Mari rolls her eyes, taking a swig from her drink. “Jackie and Jeff? Double J? Keep up, Nat.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Nat grumbles, also taking a swig from her drink.
“What about you?” Mari asks sweetly, words slurred, putting her arm around Nat. “Are you gonna hook up with anyone? Or are you gonna be the only one on the team without a warm-body… Wow… That’s shocking…”
Nat scoffs, shoving Mari off her, spilling some of Mari’s drink in the process. “Yeah, fuck you.”
“What!?” Mari snaps, slightly sobering. “It’s true… Everyone has somebody! Well… Except Laura Lee… Because we know how she is. And I guess sad sack Shipman over there isn’t getting any action… But that’s it!”
“Sure, Mari. Go sober up because you’re sounding really fucking wasted.” Nat mutters, folding her arms. (Nat doesn’t know if she should be embarrassed over the fact that she first thought of Lottie when Mari first brought up the topic of hooking up.)
Mari pretends to think, ignoring Nat’s words. “Hmmm… Shauna’s always sad… No wonder she has no one… And so is Lottie… But I don’t know how she got someone…”
Nat almost spits out her drink, instead choking and coughing out the dirt tasting beer. Lottie? Charlotte Matthews? Hooking up at a party?!
“Yeah…I was shocked too.” Mari murmurs, squinting her eyes. “God. What a prissy rich bitch… Maybe that’s how she got him. Money. She bought his time! That’s not fair at all!”
Nat grabs Mari’s arm and drags her through the crowded living room before navigating to the stairs, where Shauna sat, moping. She pushes a wasted Mari on Shauna’s lap, making Shauna raise her eyebrows in annoyance.
“What?”
“Take her home for me, Shipman.” Nat says, taking one final swig from her drink before tossing the red cup onto the floor. Shauna narrows her eyes at Nat’s littering, but doesn’t say anything about it.
“And why would I do that?”
“Because she’s your teammate and she’s fucking wasted?” Nat states, rolling her eyes. “ And while you do that, I’m gonna get the rest of the team before one of us gets fucking pregnant and we lose our chance at Nationals.”
Shauna narrows her eyes even more, as if she was trying to decide whether or not Nat was telling the truth. “Okay, okay,” Shauna relents, after a few moments. “Fine. By the way, don’t tell Jackie I knew about this. She’ll kill me if she knows that I knew you crashed her… time with Jeff.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Nat says. “Whatever. I know.”
___
Nat first split up Jackie and Jeff. It wasn’t as awkward as she thought it would be, as Jackie seemed almost grateful to be out of that situation. But unluckily, Nat can’t seem to find the rest of the team. Nat knows Tai and Van went home together earlier, but other than them, Nat can’t seem to find anyone. Weirdly (or not weirdly) enough, Nat finds herself thinking of Lottie. Lottie, Lottie, Lottie.
Mari must have been lying, right?
Nat wanders around, asking people if they’ve seen Lottie— resident rich girl, pink skirt, pink top—until—
Nat runs straight into her, and spills whatever drink is in Lottie’s hand. Or really, whatever drink was in the hand of whatever boy had his arm around Lottie. “Fuck.” Nat mutters, as the drink falls onto the floor. “Sorry.”
Before Lottie can answer, the boy who had his arm around her smiles and pats Nat on the shoulder. “No problem.”
Nat raises her eyebrows, totally forgetting about the spilled drink on the floor. Who the fuck was he?
“You okay?” The blonde haired guy says, rubbing Lottie’s shoulder. (Lottie makes that miffed face that only Nat knows.) “You need a napkin or something?”
Nat feels her stomach turn inside out. She shoots a glance at Lottie, whose eyes are focused down on the spilt drink. “Lot…?” She says softly. “Are…”
“Yeah.” Lottie finally answers, looking up at Nat with a faint grin.
(Lately, it’s only been faint grins.
Nat doesn’t want to think about that, though.)
Lottie continues, voice low and hesitant. “I’m good. Thanks, Nat.”
“Do you… Need a tampon?”
(It’s an opening. And Lottie knows it.)
Lottie bites her lip, again.
It’s a different kind of lip-bite, like she was thinking over her choices and mulling each possibility through her head—
(And stupidly enough, it reminds Nat of Lottie staring at Van’s back, eyes filled with such— NO, Nat thinks. SHUT UP.)
—”I think I’m good.” Lottie says, voice low and finally sure. “Thanks, Nat.”
…
Nat wants to cry and scream and throw everything onto the ground.
But she doesn’t.
She just walks home, crawls into her bed, and pulls out some pills she’s stashed in her pillowcase.
Fuck this.