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The problem with being an immortal was that it was a fairly exclusive club, and most of the members knew each other. Sometimes without having ever met before. Word got around.
And unlike most of the other immortals he’d met, Hob wasn’t a powerful magic user or some kind of inhuman being. He was just a guy... who’d happened to capture the interest of a powerful inhuman being. But it meant that when one of the others approached him, there wasn’t a lot he could do to defend himself, at least magically.
Dream had offered to obtain protective magical amulets for him, but Hob had noticed that magical artifacts, especially in the hands of distinctly nonmagical folks, tended to cause more trouble than they were worth.
Which meant that occasionally nonsense like this happened.
“I can promise you a night of pleasure like you’ve never even imagined,” the wizard was saying, leaning far too close to Hob, who’d just come into the bar to enjoy a nice whisky.
“One: You have no idea what kinds of things I’ve imagined,” Hob said, struggling to remain polite, “and two: I already told you that I have a boyfriend.”
“But your boyfriend isn't here, is he?” the wizard sneered.
Good Christ. How had this asshole made it past the two-hundred-year mark without someone obliterating his ass into dust? “I’m pretty confident that I can manage to keep it in my pants until he turns up,” Hob snapped. “And even if I couldn’t, I wouldn’t fuck you if you were the last man on earth. Now piss off.”
The wizard’s eyes narrowed, but he did back off a little, which was all Hob cared about.
Unfortunately, the wizard seemed to have traded in all of his social skills for a quick-draw with his casting hand. Before Hob could even blink, the bar dissolved around them and Hob found himself standing on a wide, featureless plain.
“Not again,” he groaned. He turned around and sure enough, there was the wizard. “What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?”
The wizard cackled -- how else? -- maliciously. “We shall test your convictions! I have placed a curse on you!”
Hob sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re not making any friends, you know.” His skin started to prickle uncomfortably. “What’s this one? Pins and needles?”
The wizard glowered. “A Priapus curse!” he intoned. “Priapus being the god of--”
“You cursed me with a bloody hard-on?” Why did these snobby magic types think he’d been around this long and never cracked a book? Hob ignored the sudden surge of heat in his groin. “You’re meant to ask for fucking permission before you start shoving your kinks off on other people these days.”
“You have no choice but to fuck me now,” the wizard trumpeted, “or you will die!”
Hob rolled his eyes. “I’m not saying I enjoy a case of blue balls, but no one’s ever died of them. Not even any animals, I don’t think. There’s a bunch that die immediately after mating -- bit fucked up, that, if you ask me.” The wizard was staring at him in confusion. “What? I like documentaries about animals.”
“That is not the point!” the wizard grumbled. “The point is--”
“I’ve still never heard of anything that would die just from failing to nut.”
The wizard looked especially annoyed now. “It’s part of the curse,” he snarled. “You will copulate, or you will perish. And as you may observe, I am the only being available in this dimension to save you!”
Hob’s prick was beginning to feel pretty urgent about things, but fuck if he was going to let this arsehole know about it. He shoved his hand into his jeans pocket and pulled out his phone, thumbing it on.
“What are you doing now?” The wizard took a few steps closer, craning his head to try to look at the screen.
“Rude.” Hob stepped back, angling the phone away as he flipped to his contacts. “I’m calling my boyfriend.”
The wizard sputtered. “We’re in a separate dimension! There are no cell towers here!”
“It’s cute that you think I need one,” Hob said, lifting the phone to his ear.
“But you can’t--”
“Fuck off, I’m on the phone,” Hob said.
“My beloved,” Dream said. “How do you fare?”
“I’ve been cursed again,” Hob said. “Apparently I have to fuck someone or I’m going to die.”
“You cannot die,” Dream pointed out.
“...”
“...”
Hob squeezed the bridge of his nose in an effort to stave off the headache that was building. “Will you please just come get me?”
“Of course. I shall be at your side immediately.” The last word echoed oddly as Dream appeared next to Hob. Dream, of course, wasn’t holding a phone. He was just Like That.
“You know it’s weird that you’re not using a phone,” Hob reminded him.
Dream blinked at him, then slowly raised a flat hand to the side of his face. He looked like one of Hob’s students, too young to remember anything but cell phones, miming a call.
Hob stared at him.
Dream stared back.
“Nope,” Hob decided, disconnecting the call on his own phone. “That’s worse.”
“Is this the one who cursed you?” Dream asked, turning to glare at the wizard.
Hob stuffed the phone back into his pocket. “Yeah, that’s the arse.”
The wizard’s eyes had gone very round, and he was backing up slowly. “What-- Who--”
Hob smiled. It wasn’t a very nice smile. “Maybe you should’ve asked who my boyfriend was before deciding to be a dick.”
Before he could respond, the wizard disappeared in a swirl of sand.
“Thank you,” Hob said. “Though I still seem to be cursed, so now I’m going to need you to rail me hard.”
“I would enjoy that,” Dream agreed. “Would you like me to take us home?”
“Why bother?” Hob asked, stripping off his shirt. “We’re nice and private right here. And I do rather feel like I’m dying for it.”
“You cannot die,” Dream reminded him.
“Will you please just fuck me?”