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She had her heart in her mouth as she slid the chalk on the floor of that apartment, tracing meaningless but purposeful figures. She knew that most likely nothing of this would work, it made no sense at all, but hope is something she could never lose even in the worst moments of her life.
The building was terribly cold, abandoned for several months now, almost a full year. No light or gas or anything else she could use as a source of heat, so she could only rely on her bulky clothes. Her hands suffered the worst part, red, almost stiff, and yet that did not stop her mission.
How many times had she practiced previously? She brought a notebook full of sketches, and despite that, it didn't make the task any easier. Once she felt satisfied with the results, that at least the circle was well done, she positioned the candles around the drawing.
It was such a silly thing to do. Stupid, really.
The disappointment would be horrendous if nothing happened.
She wasn't supposed to be there alone on Christmas Eve. Her phone lay dead beside her, purposely turned off to avoid the wave of incoming calls.
She closed her eyes and dropped to her knees on the floor. She clasped her hands together making the -contradictory- gesture of a prayer and projected her thoughts and emotions and memories and-....
A dense, overwhelming presence suddenly filled the room. There was a slight gust of wind produced by the flapping of a pair of black wings that almost extinguished the candles. It was impossible to read the expression of that being. The violent glint in her lavender eyes was the only thing that could be taken as a clue, but it could well be a consequence of the use of her magic.
"Why did you summon me?" said the demon, adding a deep sigh.
Madoka had to resist the urge to jump of pure joy - it worked! It really worked. "What if I just missed you? Isn’t that enough of a reason?" she whispered, making the effort to look calm and collected.
"The person you miss is gone."
"People can't leave like that. You can't erase yourself." She watched as the entity in front of her tested the lines of the pitiful summoning circle with the toe of her shoe. She swallowed heavily. "I won't let you."
"You're the last person I'd want to hear that from."
"Homu-"
The demon looked up with a hint of fear, of gentleness, still present. "You have to."
Madoka felt a void in her chest and the words stumbled out, "Homura-chan..." She managed to prop one foot up, wanting to get up, but stopped short when she noticed the immediate tension in the other girl.
"If you don't have anything else to say, I'll take my leave. It was a mistake to let you keep part of your memories. I wasn't supposed to be included in them."
"Then... why did you come? I know you're not really a demon and this had no effect on you."
"Of course it did," voice hard and deep, glaring at her. "I couldn't ignore you when you came to put on such a show just to see me. You're... very stubborn, Madoka..."
Her cheeks colored a little at those words. "You are watching me..."
"It is my duty to do so. I can't protect you if I don't watch you from time to time."
"From time to time...?"
"...From time to time..." there was less assurance this time.
That earned a smile from Madoka. She stood up, choosing to ignore Homura's backward step. "It's Christmas."
"Mhmhmm..." She hummed.
"Will you give me a present?"
"Huh?" Homura averted her gaze. "Sorry, I... I... I didn't think of that... I don't have anything."
"Sure you do." She reached for one of her hands carefully and caught it between her own. "All I want for Christmas is you ~."
Was she really saying this?
Homura's face was a real mixture of surprise, embarrassment and bewilderment. "W-what are you saying? You know I can't stay-"
"That's not true. You can, but you don't want to."
"It's not that simple!"
"Mmm..." Madoka's arms wrapped around her and she settled her face close to her neck. "Just for today. Stay with me this Christmas, give me that..."
Homura looked down at the true mess of pink hair that was the product of hours of concentration, of trial and error in putting together that ridiculous black magic act. It had been a terrible idea to come in the first place, but... Seeing her alone on Christmas Eve just looking for her was something she couldn't ignore. It was one thing to disappear, leaving Madoka in the care of her loved ones, and quite another to see Madoka all alone on festivities she knew she adored for the mere act of enjoying the company of others.
Today she put all that aside just to have her there, curled up like a kitten, searching for something she herself desperately craved. That last factor was the most dangerous thing. Separating from Madoka might become much more difficult for her if she had her like this, despite being aware of everything she had done.
She felt like an addict going through rehab and suddenly getting her addiction shoved onto her face.
And likewise, the relapses were horrendous.
Her hands were shaking from holding back the desire to hug her too, to tell her that yes, she could have her for as long as she wanted, that nothing would make her happier than being by her side. That her chest was burning at that moment for reasons she was just now naming. Her cheeks flushed and she feared Madoka would hear the unbridled pounding of her heart. She licked her lips, nervous. "I..."
"You're so warm, Homura-chan. The night is very cold, but being by your side I forgot that for a moment."
She gave a sigh. "I'm a demon, not a heater," her voice lowered, "stop hugging me."
"But you're one that exudes a lot of heat." She searched for her face, her lips forming a pout.
"Like hell, fire..." She murmured, and unable to resist any longer, she wrapped an arm around the other girl. "You're so careless... You come ill-equipped to an abandoned place to summon a demon, and then take shelter in said demon. Only Kaname Madoka would put herself at risk like that."
"It's because I trust Homura-chan. I was... sure you'd come. And I know you won't hurt me." She allowed herself a couple of minutes of just sharing the embrace, occasionally stroking the long dark strands. "Hey, Homura-chan... you didn't give me an answer. In that case, I'll take that as a yes by default."
"Okay..." She said closing her eyes, not at all convinced. "But at 11:59 p.m I'll leave. Not a minute longer."
Madoka nodded; she figured she'd say something like that, but it didn't make it any less difficult for her. She could play her cards until that time and try to convince her, tie her down somehow. After all, Homura loved her. She could see it in her eyes, no matter how broken they were. She was incapable of pretending she didn’t notice it anymore.
"Thank you, Homura-chan. It’ll be like that."
Madoka bit her lower lip and her fingers clutched at the fabric of Homura's suit.
She didn't want to lie.
Why did it have to hurt so much?
The Mitakihara streets were filled with snow and colorful decorations like every year. The festive mood could be smelled in the cold wind. Toasts were heard, laughter of happy children with their new toys, fraternal warmth. Madoka watched the scenery with a hint of nostalgia, remembering that she didn't tell her parents, who must have been very worried considering the snowstorm a few hours ago. Then, her gaze drifted to her hand joined with Homura's, fingers intertwined, and the reminder was slowly losing relevance.
She'd have time for the scolding of the century. Not like....
She felt a tug on her chest and her eyes burned painfully, but she refused to let the tears fall. She couldn't cry, she didn't want to collect sad memories of this day. The possible goodbye was bad enough.
However, a welcoming arm pulled her out of her musings. Homura had undone the grasp of hands to wrap around her shoulders, pulling her inevitably closer. It was such a surprise that a faint squeak escaped Madoka and heat rose to her ears. She turned to look at the taller one and found those lavender eyes staring at her with intensity. She forgot to breathe and her heart ran a marathon. Her lips felt suddenly dry and Homura's face dangerously more attractive than usual.
Had she really thought that? Since when did Homura looked attractive to her-?
Since forever, she couldn't lie to herself, not when all she was aware of and wanted was for her to get closer and...
"Don't worry," she said softly and slowly, "your family is fine, they think you're with Miki Sayaka and you gave them days notice."
"...Huh?" Madoka snapped out of her trance as quickly as she entered, coming back to reality and slowly processing those words. "Wait, you..."
She averted her gaze, returning it to the road. "Yes, I altered their memories. You can rest easy, they-"
Somehow, the gesture had been better than what she so longed for only a moment ago. She ducked her head, gaze fixed on both their shoes. She felt a different kind of happiness, something she could call... being moved? "How did you know I was thinking about that?"
"You only make that face when you're worried about one of your loved ones, and it was immediately after listening to the neighborhood. If it weren't for me you'd be sharing the same way they were, wouldn't you?"
Yes, it was definitely something along the lines. Her chest puffed out and she smiled sadly. The fact that Homura would come to a conclusion like that so quickly only spoke of how much she knew her. How much she had watched her over the years, so attentive to any sign of discomfort.
And for her to walk away anyway....
It broke her heart a little bit more.
The river that ran through Mitakihara made a perfect ice rink; it was completely frozen. It was not the best plan to go to that place if they did not even bring skates, let alone the danger of walking on that surface since nothing guaranteed its firmness.
Despite being aware of that fact, both did their best to keep their balance as they explored the area. Through the ice they could see what lay beneath. They saw a bunch of different types of fish, some of which they had never witnessed before and seemed very strange to them to inhabit the waters of the city. In short, Mitakihara was a very peculiar city, or they were too ignorant. In her search, Madoka visualized a group of frozen flowers on the riverbank. From a distance, she didn't think there was anything special about them, but she wanted to go and see what they were all about anyway. Homura followed her, always worried that nothing would happen to her. Once they arrived, the flowers they found were blue, and to Madoka's surprise, ones she was unfamiliar with despite her father's gardening lessons.
Homura bent down and brought her hand hesitantly to take one, forcing it to pluck out from the ice.
"You know them?"
Homura inspectionated the flower, twirling it between her fingers. Her eyes narrowed and she offered it to Madoka when the stem had already melted, now being able to take it without hurting her fingers. "Forget me not."
"Forget me not...? I wouldn't, I would never want to!"
"That’s not it," she said, swallowing the bitterness that Madoka's response caused her because the truth was that she had indeed forgotten her numerous times already. "That's the name of the flower, Forget me not."
A knot formed in Madoka's stomach. Silence reigned, only interrupted by distant Christmas melodies. Neither of them moved, the air had become thick and the memories and guilt too heavy. Madoka opened her mouth to say something, anything that would bring Homura back to her, but her voice wouldn't come out. Instead, she tugged at her sleeve to get her attention, and once obtained, she lifted Homura’s hand and placed the flower between her fingers.
"You should have it, Homura-chan." She whispered with a smile that was far from inspiring happiness. "I don't want you to-"
"Gifts can’t be returned, you must have it." Homura replied in a firm voice, pushing the poor flower back into Madoka's hand.
"Then you should never have given me back my...!"
Ribbons.
That had ignited something in Madoka, but not enough to finish the sentence. It hurt to say it. It hurt to wear that discarded promise in her hair, causing her to remember and never get rid of the disappointment every morning as she got ready for school. "You shouldn't have..." Her voice cracked, unable to hold back any longer the sadness accumulated from all the time since she remembered. Tears were falling, spilling over the makeshift ice rink.
Her hand was draped between Homura's, and though she didn't say it, Madoka saw the regret on her face, the guilt, and the suffering itself because she never wanted to break that promise in the first place. Eyes locked, they both pressed their foreheads together and whispered:
"Forget me not."
"Forget me not."
Seconds later, a loud crack was heard and the surface shattered, sending them tumbling straight into the icy waters.
Madoka woke up in a sitting position, tucked in by several blankets in front of a fireplace and with someone hugging her from behind tightly around her waist. She felt a face leaning against her shoulder, making soft and calm breathing caress the skin of her neck. She didn't need to turn around to know who it was.
She couldn't remember at what point they arrived to that cozy place, but she found it extremely hard to concentrate on things other than being so aware of Homura's closeness. Her breath hitched at the sensitivity that developed at the side of her neck, so torturously close to those lips that seemed to tease her with every sigh. It was clear to her that no, Homura wasn't like that, but she would be lying to herself if she said that she didn't strongly desire to be caught up in the sensations of being kissed in that place by Homura. A mere brush would suffice, or so she wanted to think.
"Homura-chan..." She sighed and closed her eyes, making the vague attempt to go back to sleep. It was impossible, so she just covered her hands and waited. It was then that she remembered that time was ticking and it was already daylight and she was wasting valuable time and-
Homura rearranged the embrace, snuggling and effectively melting Madoka's heart. This... was priceless to her, too. However, sadness filled her again because she couldn't help but think that she'd like to have moments like this every day if possible.
...But it wasn't.
There the silent tears came again.
It was a full two hours before Homura woke up. If she were to use too much of her magic around Madoka, she was in imminent danger of her regaining her powers, so she had to do the bare minimum to get them out of the river safe and sound.
It made sense that she slept so much when she normally hardly slept at all.
None of them had much desire to walk around the city with all the people passing through, also risking running into any of the other Puella Magi. They didn't remember, but Homura didn't want to risk them doing so at all.
They ended up going to the flower field where they had talked so many times, some of their most important talks. Today, however, the flowers were not visible; they were buried under the blanket of snow.
Madoka knew that this was the precise moment to try to convince her. Before all this, when she first came up with her plan, she had a huge list of things she wanted to say to her, but today those words were nowhere to be found, as if they refused to appear.
As if they were afraid to.
"How have you been?" Homura asked, breaking the silence with that generic question. At least she said something, and Madoka appreciated the initiative.
"Shouldn't you know better? You said you were watching me." A sly smile was mandatory.
"Indeed," she narrowed her eyes, "but I can't observe your feelings. Perhaps things would be easier for me if I could. Or the other way around. I don't read minds or hearts, Madoka. Yours is the biggest mystery to me, despite being the person I know the most, despite pretending to know what makes you happy and what doesn't."
Madoka was shocked by her overwhelming honesty. Homura... she had never said these things to her before. She hadn't expected to hear them, she wasn't ready to. She hugged her legs and knees and turned her face to look at her with an ambiguous expression. "Do you want to know my true feelings, Homura-chan? Do you... want me to tell you what's in my heart? Or what I'm feeling right now."
Homura looked at her almost in shock. She opened her mouth to respond, but closed it as soon as she opened it. She couldn't say it. She just nodded and it hurt Madoka to breathe as she saw the insecurity and fear in that pair of lavender eyes that always tried so hard to look lifeless. Part of her felt guilty for affecting Homura that way. Even though she adored having someone who loved her so much in this world, who would give up literally everything for her, it was clear to her that those feelings were a prison for Homura. One that wouldn't allow her to sleep a single peaceful night without demons eating her, without guilt drowning her.
Her eyes gave a faint golden gleam. "I'm satisfied with the life you've given me, Homura-chan. These past few months I've had time to reflect and try to understand you. Because... you're my best friend, you know? My dearest Homura-chan," she emphasized with a warm, brief smile. "I don't hold any resentment towards you, just... sadness. Because I told you I don't want you to be alone. Because you got rid of our bond, because yes, Homura-chan, I know that's what you meant by giving me back my ribbons. Because you erased yourself from my world without even saying goodbye. Because you didn’t allow me to care. Because..." and here, Homura's image blurred from her view thanks to the tears, "I love you, I love you so much, and you just try so hard to pretend that feeling doesn't exist..."
"...Madoka..."
"In my heart there is a hole, Homura-chan, and that... is not something you can reverse with magic. I already said I won't let you erase yourself just like that. You can't. As long as you have possession of part of my soul I will always end up remembering you. I feel anguish because with each passing second, I'm losing you. And I know... even if I told you that I won't reverse what you have done if you stay by my side, you won't believe me.
That's what I've felt, that's what I feel. And I want you to embrace me... without holding back... if my feelings don't reach you, I-"
And she was enveloped in an endearing, aching embrace. Madoka clung to her as if her life depended on it, as if by letting go, she would vanish like the petals of a dandelion.
"And I, too, love…"
But Homura was unable to finish that sentence.
Madoka cried with so much bitterness.
The night came in the blink of an eye for Madoka. They got close to town, just close enough until they found a store to buy something to eat. They didn't notice that they hadn't eaten since yesterday.
11:00 p.m read the digital clock on the wall.
The sweet, cozy taste of hot chocolate with marshmallows comforted her a little. It reminded her of home, of the one his father used to make. She wanted to have them there for her when the inevitable ending came. She didn't want... to be alone. But the memory somehow made her feel accompanied by them. By her mother who would surely tell her not to give up until the end.
She would not give up, hope would never fade away from her. It was something beyond her control and she was grateful for it, because if it wasn’t for it, she would have withered long ago.
Homura stirred the last marshmallow in the thick liquid. It was gradually melting and the girl seemed to be keeping an eye on the process, as if she were doing an experiment for a chemistry class report.
The transformation of matter and its uses in contemporary cooking, by Akemi Homura.
The idea made her laugh out loud and her friend turned to look at her with a question mark painted on her face. She didn’t have the slightest idea of what could Madoka find so funny, but it reassured her. She liked seeing the smiling face of the person she loved. She wanted her to stay that way forever, she deserved a life full of laughter and joy. She smiled sideways, bit by bit, the gesture taking its time to appear, just as the marshmallow in becoming one with the hot chocolate.
Madoka noticed and her laughter gradually ceased, but the smile remained. Homura's smiles were so rare that each one was like a priceless treasure. She recorded them, one after another, in her memory. She found herself immersed, once again, in the depths of Homura's eyes, the door to her soul. She felt a shiver run down her spine as Homura brought a hand to her face and caressed one of her cheeks with utmost care. Madoka leaned to the touch and rubbed against the palm, as if demanding for her not to stop. That earned a slight giggle and blush from Homura.
"Ladies, I'm sorry to interrupt you but it's already 11:30 p.m. We have to close the shop; we appreciate your preference and apologize for the interruption."
They pulled away abruptly and alternated between nodding, apologizing and waving their hands.
"That... that was embarrassing, don't you think?"
"No doubt, I... I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry Madoka..."
She shook her head, "I wanted it and urged you to continue. I..." She looked up, noticed something quite convenient close by, and continued, "...I still want it. You have no idea how you make me feel, Homura-chan..."
The latter looked at her with wide eyes and a completely red face, "M-Madoka...?"
She stopped dead in her tracks and grabbed Homura by the shoulders and then pushed her to walk backwards. The bewilderment was clear in her, while in Madoka only determination reigned. She stopped once they were under the gate that led to the park, where an unmistakable...
"Mistletoe." She managed to announce in a whisper before catching Homura's lips, the ones she longed for. They were cold, rough from the weather and stiff with surprise. Madoka reached around her neck to pull her down and seemed to have no intention of letting go. She pushed the kiss further, and the chime announcing that there were five minutes left until Christmas ended, and consequently her gift, caused her to pour all her emotions into that desperate kiss. It hurt her a lot that Homura didn’t reciprocate, it was scary and frustrating, but all those thoughts dissipated when she was wrapped with intensity, both with her arms and lips that clumsily kept up with the established rhythm. It took them a while to fully harmonize due to the inexperience and feelings that made them run in fits and starts. Love, uncertainty, loss, longing, fear, frustration and even happiness for having finally confessed what they felt, met and caused a tornado.
A tornado that, inevitably, by its nature, destroyed everything around them.
It left thousands of why's painted on each demolished structure.
And one of the greatest pains is not being able to give or receive an answer to that question, because without an explanation you don’t know how to make things right, you don’t know if you had any other chance, and that feeling, that doubt, gnawed more than failure.
Madoka feared, trembled as the moment when that kiss would end, approached. She feared, because she was sure that Homura would disappear as soon as it happened. She wanted to extend it past the hour, that for some strange reason Homura would desist for breaking the main agreement of their contract.
That she would stay there, that they would have time to be embarrassed, to be self-conscious, and yet get back together and continue with renewed strength. She wanted to tell her that-
Despite Madoka's resistance, Homura managed to break the kiss and they were both left breathless. The demon -who at some point had transformed- reached for her lips once more and kissed her softly and pulled away after a few seconds, even with the other's vague attempts to extend and deepen it.
"I love you, Madoka..." she uttered slowly, punctuating each word, making sure that there would be no doubt left as to what she had said, “forever".
Madoka felt something being placed in her hands, but she was too aware of what she’d just heard to check what it was. Homura's wings flapped with strength and her figure vanished without a trace, giving her no chance to hold her back. Madoka embraced the air out of inertia, trying to catch even the slightest hint of her presence as the chimes announced the arrival of December 26th and echoed in her ears incessantly.
It was then, when she was greeted by the desolate silence that she went to look at what Homura had given her.
She wished she hadn't.
She dropped to her knees against the snow, too tired and overcome by her emotions to stand. The crying exploded without any way to stop. Her tears welled up, threatening to suck her dry. She put aside the small object and the sadness turned into pure frustration, into annoyance, into deep anger. She punched the snow, leaving her hands red all over. They burned terribly, but it was precisely what she was looking for.
Homura couldn’t have told her that she loved her just before leaving her alone. She didn't even give her time to answer and now the feelings were kicking her angrily inside, complaining about the hurt, about the thoughtlessness, about-
Forget me not.
She stopped as soon as she reached the conclusion.
Homura, who always stayed away, who forced her to forget her, was asking her not to forget her this time.
Then...
Her lips trembled and the tears that were shed now were of only sadness. The anger disappeared as did the snow on her knuckles. She picked up the little blue flower carefully and looked at it again.
It was...
A precious piece of hope.
Forget me not.
She wouldn’t. She won’t. She couldn’t possibly forget about her.
She’ll wait for the day when Homura takes the chance to show up again, and when that happens, she’ll make sure that leaving again won’t be an option.