Chapter Text
“Serve me another death after noon, will you, Master Diluc?”, Kaeya grinned at the red head standing behind the counter, doing his best to not seem to wobbly on his feet. He slid his glass over the countertop, eyes fixated on Diluc, who only slowly lifted his view from the glass in his hand. There, he was greeted with Kaeya’s knowing smirk plastered on his face, but his eyes a bit more glossy and red than normally.
Kaeya himself didn’t realize how hot his face, his whole body, actually felt. He was in a good mood, still – a mission ended, a nice evening with his colleagues, his brother, oh, excuse him please, Master Diluc actually acknowledging his presence and not shoving Charles to get the knights orders again.
He was still watching Diluc, who was slowly setting the glass he had been drying aside. The redheads hair was a bit messy, he realized – maybe Diluc had gotten into another fight with a couple of hilichurls on the way from dawn winery to town, as the knights had been too incompetent to remove them. Kaeya almost had to laugh at the idea, for what exact reason, he didn’t know. Maybe it was due to the cold shiver running down his spine at the thought of Diluc once again reminding him how the knights were an organisation of “good for nothings”.
“I believe you drank enough by now”, Master Diluc finally answered his question, though definitely not in a way Kaeya liked. He wasn’t supposed to say anything about Kaeya’s drinking habits, and he most definitely wasn’t supposed to interfere with them, he was simply supposed to mix him another drink. It couldn’t be that hard, really.
Before he could say anything though, Diluc had already snatched away his glass, putting it away behind the counter to the other dirty dishes, and then simply went back to drying the glass he had been holding before. “It’s late. You should get home.”
Diluc was right, it was fairly late already. Soon enough, the angel’s share would close, and Diluc would shove all of the remaining drunkards outside. If he looked around a little, there weren’t really all that many people anymore. Most of the knights had already left, only a few staying behind, along with Kaeya obviously, some people he didn’t really know and six fingered Jose, sitting with the other knights at their shared table. Even Venti, who normally stayed until closing time, seemed to have left by now.
Still, it shouldn’t matter to Diluc when Kaeya would be home. There was no reason for him to care – except for him not wanting Kaeya hanging around the bar anymore. Such seemed fairly reasonable. Kaeya had been told a few times that he could get rather annoying when tipsy and drunk, he was top loud and over the top then, and since Diluc most definitely already found Kaeya to be annoying on a normal day, he definitely wouldn’t want to deal with him and alcohol.
Kaeya smiled at the thought, looking up the older. “You don’t want me here anymore, Master Diluc?” What a dumb question, he remembered only a moment later. Of course Master Diluc wouldn’t want him here anymore. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have told him to go home.
“I want you to not drink more alcohol”, Diluc said, his voice weirdly quiet and almost – Kaeya couldn’t exactly tell. Diluc didn’t talk often, at least not to him. But if he did, it was always certain and determined. He knew exactly what he was saying and wouldn’t ever question it, that was the way Diluc spoke. Now, there was almost a bit of careful softness swinging by his voice, and Kaeya didn’t know what to think of that.
Oh, what was he even telling himself? He was probably just making things up. Diluc wasn’t uncertain, Diluc knew what he was doing. It was probably just himself, Kaeya, trying to make his poor little heart feel a bit better about what Master Diluc was saying to him, about how Master Diluc didn’t want him here.
What a useless thing to do – he already knew the truth after all.
“It’s okay, Master Diluc, I understand. I won’t bother you anymore”, Kaeya grinned. He pulled out his poach from the pocket, dropping a bunch of Mora on the counter. “This should be enough for tonight, am I right?”
He winked at the perplexed redhead behind the bar, before turning around to leave the angel’s share. No one needed to know about the slight stumble in his step, or the tears gathering in his eyes, and to be honest, he didn’t know why they were there either. Why would he be sad? He had known long enough how Master Diluc felt about him.
- - -
Kaeya had known before last night of how Master Diluc hated him. He had known for a while, if he was honest. Probably since that day in April, Diluc’s birthday, on which Crepus had died and Kaeya went and told Diluc the truth about everything. The day they had fought, the day on which Diluc’s fire had hit him but was imminently replaced by the ice cold of his – then new – cryo vision. He had been left in the mud that day, freezing and crying in the rain, vision clutched tightly in his hand. Somehow, he had made it back to Mondstadt through the heavy rain, though he didn’t remember much of the time after the fight.
He only remember that he didn’t go back to the winery, didn’t dare to after Diluc’s words.
Only a few days after Diluc had left, on an angry rampage through Snezhnaya, on his way to kill anyone who wronged him. He had not said a single word to Kaeya before he went on his mission, or killing spree, though he hadn’t really talked to anyone, if it was to trust what Jean was saying. But Kaeya just knew that Diluc specifically avoided him. He hadn’t said goodbye before leaving him alone for four years, without a home, a family or anything, really. And in the end, Jean was just trying to make him feel better. She was simply to nice, always looking after everyone.
It was rather common sense to know that these actions showed how Master Diluc hated him now. Kaeya wasn’t dumb, he knew that, and so he figured out Diluc’s feelings towards him rather quickly.
Still, he didn’t really want to know. Acceptance, that the man who was once in brother now hated him, resented him so damn much, didn’t want to come. Some days, it felt so heavy on him, that then he let himself dream that the world wasn’t the way it was. That when Diluc would come back, nothing would have changed, and Diluc would hug him and call Kaeya his little brother and wouldn’t swing his claymore towards him-
The small spark of hope was left in him until Master Diluc eventually did find his way back to Mondstadt. Then it was, very quickly and surely, crushed. Because nothing was as it used to be, no matter how hard Kaeya prayed to Barbatos at night – something he had never done before, at least not truthfully, but he remembered Diluc and Crepus doing it back when he was younger, so it must be worth something, right?
It seemed it wasn’t.
When Diluc came back, winter was close by and the wind was cold already, Kaeya felt like he was the last to find out about it. Master Diluc hadn’t contacted him, and though he hadn’t expected much, he still had wished for it. Not for much, of course, a letter, a short letter maybe. Or just any sign, a sign that he was still alive and doing fine, that was all Kaeya wanted.
There was nothing. Nothing at all.
Kaeya had only found out about Master Diluc’s return through the rumours. Mondstadt’s citizens where big at gossiping – and whenever something unusual happened, it spread through the town like a wildfire. This time, Kaeya first heard the guards conversing on their way through the building, something about a certain redhead wandering through the city’s gates again. Later, after work was over, he heard more, about another bartender in the angel’s share with a fiery red vision. It didn’t take a genius to find out they were talking about Master Diluc.
Kaeya had made his way to the bar after that, on his journey to find out the truth.
The rumours had proven right, he realized directly after stepping inside. Behind the counter, Diluc was standing, same fiery hair he remember, although a bit longer. His clothing style had changed, seemingly for more practical uses, and a bit dirty and used. But otherwise, he was still the same, he was still Diluc.
Except for the fact that now, there was no Kaeya with him anymore.
That very night, Kaeya had sat down on the bar, and hoped that either of them would say something, about missing one another maybe, or just anything at all, or nothing, as long as Diluc would stop looking at that damn glass he was drying and instead see Kaeya, once his best friend, once his brother, in front of him.
But neither Kaeya’s nor Master Diluc’s mouth left a single word. Instead they both just stood, sat, in silence. And neither had anything else happened which Kaeya had hoped for – Diluc hadn’t taken him back, and nothing at all was like before.
That very night, Kaeya had finally accepted Master Diluc’s feelings towards him. Sometimes, it still was a bit hard to catch, like last night, and there was still some wishful thinking in him left, of how Diluc, maybe, one day, would acknowledge his presence with more than just harsh words and scoffs, but it never happened. Diluc’s words were cold when he spoke, when he asked Kaeya what he wished to drink, and he never said more than needed. He barely even looked at him, and if he did, it was only in anger at one of Kaeya’s attempts to tease, to get his attention.
Kaeya just had to accept that the dear Master didn’t care for him anymore, but it was hard when his thoughts were a bit mushy after a few glasses of death after noon. Sometimes then, he tried to get Diluc’s attention, as useless and embarrassing as it was.
Such had happened yesterday, and it had ended just as always, with Diluc telling him off, and a slightly tipsy Kaeya not understanding why he even tried.
There was just one thing he didn’t understand. Not soon after Diluc came back, Kaeya started to feel a slight tingle in his throat. An itch, like he got it before coming down with a cold. It was a bit unusual, after all, it was summer and no one around him was sick, but he tried to write it off as standing in the rain for too long while on a mission. He tried to drink some warm tea each morning and told himself that everything would be fine.
But it really wasn’t fine.
- - -
The day after that evening in the angel’s share, Kaeya woke up with not only a headache, but a burning feeling in his throat. It wasn’t just an itch, a tingle anymore, but instead a scratch, and it felt absolutely horrible. He ended up sitting in his bed, coughing terribly, practically wheezing to get whatever made his throat feel so terrible to leave his body. It didn’t feel like a simple cold anymore.
The cough was shaking through his normally rather strong body, and for some weird reason, he wished there was someone there to hold him, to pat him on his back and tell him that it would be fine. He wished it was Crepus, or Diluc, like they used to hold him when he was younger and sick, though he imminently dismissed the thought a moment later.
When Kaeya saw himself coughing up blood, too, he felt even worse. Normally, blood didn’t do much to make him feel bad, he had no problem looking at his own or other’s people wounds, but this made him feel weirdly uneasy. Maybe it was the fact that the blood was leaving his mouth instead of an open wound, that he couldn’t see where it came from, that he didn’t know why it was there.
He barely realized the mess he made by letting the blood which left his mouth sprinkle and drip over his bedsheets, he felt to out of it to barely even look up. His eyes were fixed on his hand tightly gripping the sheets, desperately trying to ground himself. He was still tired, too, after imminently ending in coughing fit after waking up, he didn’t have the time yet to even really wake up and realize what was going on.
As abruptly as the coughing had taken over his body, it left, too. His throat still had that weird itch to it, and now felt a bit sore after the coughing, but it wasn’t all that bad anymore. He could breathe normally again, which in the moment felt to him like a major achievement.
Kaeya blinked slowly, finally coming to sense with the world around him. Morning sunlight was shining through the thin curtains and he was sitting in his bed, white sheets now stained with dark red blood spots all over them – and something laying in his lap.
He carefully picked it up, fingers still shaking slightly at what had happened only a moment before. It took him a moment to realize what it was: a petal. It was covered by blood, so that he couldn’t even make out what colour it had underneath such.
A petal which he had coughed up – it sounded rather unreal. Kaeya had no idea where it came from or what kind of flower it was. To be rather honest, he felt right now as if he had no idea of anything at all. There was a vase standing on his nightstand, but he had no idea how a petal would end blood-covered in his lap.
The itch, the scratch in his throat still hadn’t left however and he felt like he needed to cough some more, get out whatever which was bothering his breathing. But for now, there was no time for that.
It was busy day and the knights office, and Kaeya had promised Jean his help. He was needed today, and he wouldn’t dare let his friends down, he had promised himself after that night. So, whatever it was, it had to wait, the others were first. Whatever sickness or else was affecting him, he couldn’t dare let it interfere with his day.
So, Kaeya left his bed, choosing to simply ignore the petal for now. He changed his sheets to get rid of the stains, before going to wash and dress himself. Before going to work, he drank another cup of tea alongside his small breakfast, with the flavour of sunsettia and apple, hoping it would soothe his sore throat. Then, he finally went off to work.
During work, he needed to cough three more times, each time a bit of blood landing in his handkerchief. Another petal never came.
- - -
At least not for another two days.
The itch stayed during that time, though Kaeya did not notice it apart from a few rare coughs. As there was nothing which indicated something being seriously wrong with him, Kaeya believed he was fine. Maybe, there had in fact just been a petal falling down from the flowers on his nightstand and he accidently breathed it in while sleeping – such was unlikely, but not impossible, and it seemed like the most believable explanation.
At the end of the second day, he once again found himself in the angel’s share. This time though, it was far earlier, and a quite more busy. Venti had been playing on his lyre since the night started, Six-fingered Jose accompanying him. It was loud and bustling and almost every seat in the tavern was taken. Kaeya himself was sitting at a table along with the other knights, laughing with them at Venti’s loud performance.
He almost forgot about Diluc standing behind the bar, his usual straight face not changing any at the bard’s antics.
Everything was fine. Almost good, almost, but not quite. But better than normally. Kaeya felt at ease, the alcohol did its job for once, and he was doing okay.
That was, until Diluc seemed to have enough of Venti, taking his wine glass away and then commanding him to come down from the table, only to scold him for what he had been doing. Kaeya didn’t exactly know what it was at this situation that bothered him – nobody except him barely even realized it. Venti himself had only laughed, but by the view of the both of them, suddenly, there was something stuck in Kaeya’s throat, taking his breath away.
He coughed into his elbow, though he didn’t realize the blood splattered on his sleeve.
Only a moment later, everything was over, and Kaeya was distracted by one knight pouring their drink into another’s lap. Not soon after though, he decided to go home, his throat being a bit more sensitive again, itching a little. While on the way, he tried not to think of Diluc and Venti, but for some reason he couldn’t understand in his sorry state, and maybe not in any other either, his mind kept wandering back to the two of them. He tried to ignore the weird feeling in his gut whenever Diluc did anything nice for Venti, like making sure he didn’t fall of the table. Venti was someone Diluc openly claimed to dislike, and still, he basically let him drink for free in the tavern.
By the time he fell into bed, exhausted and confused and still a bit messy in the head, he wished that his mind would just shut up. It didn’t, but after hiding under his blanket long enough, he fell asleep either way, which ended the train of thoughts which had been running through his head.
- - -
It was only by the next morning that Kaeya realized something was seriously wrong. Over the course of the night, the cough had come back, sneaked up to him from behind, and took him by surprise. It was much more severe now. There was no more tingle, instead there was a consistent scratch in his throat which wouldn’t go away, like there was a thorn stuck inside of him.
When he went to the bathroom to get ready for work, he ended up coughing terribly, his whole body shook and he had to hold onto the sink as to not fall over.
The moment he was able to breath normally again, he realised there were petals laying in the sink. Not just one, but multiple, three to be exact. Three petals, all off the same structure, so most likely of the same kind of flower, and under the deep red blood Kaeya believed them to be blue.
He couldn’t do anything but stare at them in shook. What was happening? What was going on with him, why was he coughing petals, where did they come from? How did they get here? He didn’t know it, he didn’t know anything. All he knew was that this was not normal, whatever was happening to him.
Kaeya needed to sit down. He needed a moment to sit, to pull himself together again, to stop his breathing from becoming quicker and quicker and he needed a moment to make sure that there were no tears leaving his eyes, because they felt dangerously close to watering.
He let himself slowly sink to the ground, hands clutching the material of his night clothes. What should he do know? He was obviously some kind of sick, so ideally, he would have a healer at the cathedral take a look at him. But he himself didn’t know what was going on, even though he could heal a bit himself and had a decent knowledge on illnesses. And if he didn’t know, would the healers know? Maybe, but maybe not, and that worried him.
Also, Barbara worked at the church, and if Barbara knew something was wrong with him, she would tell Jean, and then Jean would worry, because Jean was always worried, Kaeya was well aware of that. She worried about the runaway cat, about the hilichurls around Mondstadt, about the other knights, Jean was a master of worrying about everything. Kaeya didn’t want her to worry about him, too. There was no reason to be worried about him. Jean couldn’t know, and due to this, Barbara couldn’t know, so- So he couldn’t go to the church.
This was fine. Kaeya would be fine, he knew. No matter how bad it was, he was always fine. Diluc and him had fought, it was fine. Crepus had died, it was fine. He was alone, it was fine- Everything was fine and alright and Kaeya would find a way to make it better.
He wiped the tears on his cheeks away, before another coughing fit took him over. This time, there was no petal, but the handkerchief was covered in small blood drops.
Kaeya needed to find a way to get this to go away, and that quick. Maybe Lisa could help. Lisa was knowledgeable, and there were tons of books in the library, surely she must’ve read about this, right? Whatever it was… But Lisa would worry, too. Maybe she would tell Jean, she probably would. Maybe she’d tell others, too, in an attempt to get this to go away, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want anyone to be worried. It was inconvenient and unfair to them, if he worried them. Maybe it was just something trivial – then they would’ve been worried for nothing. No, he couldn’t do that.
He would just keep it to himself. He could go to the library himself, find out what was happening, and just quickly get rid of the issue. Yes, that seemed reasonable. It would worry and inconvenience nobody – this was a wonderful idea.
- - -
So, he made his way to work, despite the occasional cough rattling through his body. The headquarters were quiet today, and Kaeya was glad about it. Though he didn’t know where the knights where, his mind was too preoccupied with other things, he decided to just be glad it wasn’t him who had to go on patrol today.
Normally he enjoyed patrol, even if he was doing it alone. Most of the time it was like a quiet walk through the forest, something he liked. It was calm and a welcome difference to life in the bustling and busy town of Mondstadt. He had time to talk to his colleages, or he had time to think – this wasn’t always good, but a nice day in nature was better than sitting hauled up in his office.
Today, however, he didn’t really feel like going. He was constantly coughing and had developed a sore throat due to it. Sitting in his office wasn’t nice either, definitely not with the sun shining so kindly before the winter would hit soon, but at least there was no cold wind. Instead, there was warm tea and a fire flicking.
Not soon after he arrived, there was also a hot soup and cough medicine on his desk. Noelle had seemed to hear him coughing, and then ended up knocking two times, once to ask him if everything was fine, to which he replied “Everything is fine, Noelle, please don’t worry about me, it’s just the weather”, and then a second time to bring in a tray with said soup and medicine, along with more tea. He thanked her profusely, trying to acknowledge her efforts without raising any suspicions that this, whatever it was, was not a common cold and something seemed to be seriously wrong with him.
He ate the soup for lunch, before Noelle knocked again, asking him at least three more times if he needed anything else, if she should request leave for him, if she should take a look if there’s enough wood for the fire and if maybe he needed a warm scarf. While he was glad at her efforts to care for him, to make him feel better, there wasn’t much she could do. The soup had felt good on his throat and tasted delicious, like all of Noelle’s meals did, but the scratch still didn’t leave.
And it made him nervous, that he didn’t know how to make it leave.
Over the course of the morning which Kaeya spent holed up in his office, doing paperwork for past missions and assigning patrols for the next week, he ended up coughing up five more petals, each which he carefully disposed at the bottom the small trash can in his office, and covered it with old, crumbled up papers – he didn’t want anyone to see what was happening to him. After all, blood-covered petals weren’t the most common thing found in a knights office, and Kaeya didn’t wish for anyone to be suspicious of him. He already knew of people disliking him for his actions and values, and that in particular didn’t bother him, but this would, he was sure of it.
And if, by any chance, people would figure out that those petals had left his body, that he was some kind of sick, then the worry Kaeya wished to avoid would still be there. So, the easiest and ideal course of action would be to hide the evidence.
- - -
In his lunch break, he made his way downstairs to the library.
Kaeya liked the library. It was quiet and calming, often a welcome variety after a particularly stressful mission. Often, when he went there, it was almost empty, too. Or at least, it felt like it, with only a few people spread out looking through the different sections.
Mondstadt’s library was one of the biggest in Tevyat, only competing with the Academy of Sumeru,. In the winter, it was warm there, too. Lisa always made sure to keep a fire or two running. Kaeya often liked to spend his lunch breaks there, either chatting over tea with the librarian or in a quiet corner, attention on the book in his lap.
The library had a section for basically everything, and Kaeya knew that there was one for medicine, injuries and illnesses. If he could somehow get knowledge about what was affecting him, this would definitely be the best place to start.
He pressed the door open rather quietly, taking a look inside. He hoped that not all too many people would be there, or they’d all take notice of his coughing. However, he only saw Lisa, sitting behind her desk and writing something in a small notebook. Kaeya waved at her.
The librarian smiled at his sight and waved back, before focusing on her task, whatever it was, again. She seemed rather busy, and also exhausted, as much as Kaeya could tell by the way she blinked more frequently at the notebook and her hand holding her head up. This was nothing he was too glad about, but a small part of him was happy that he didn’t have to talk to her right know, not feeling in the mood to do so. Normally, he always enjoyed a conversation with Lisa, ideally over tea or wine, she was a wonderful and interesting partner for a nice talk about everything, really.
Taking the few steps down the stairs, Kaeya made his way to the small unit dedicated to books about sicknesses of all kinds, how to cure them, it’s titles being mostly technical terms which Kaeya didn’t really understand. He hoped he would find something, anything, to explain the situation to him, but he didn’t have all that much hope, if he was honest.
While Lisa kept her books sorted well, and Kaeya found the section he’d been searching for easily, his search felt a little pointless. This was mainly due to one reason: he didn’t know what to search for. He only had one symptom, after all, and such wasn’t exactly a common one. There would be no book simply titled “what to do if you’re coughing up flowers”.
So, he ended up leafing through different books rather aimlessly. He skimmed over symptoms of different illnesses, but there was nothing which fit to what he was experiencing. He had almost foreseen such, but still, it made him a little nervous. It obviously was something, right? He was coughing up petals, flowers, he was not just hallucinating, but why were there no writing at all on the topic? It couldn’t be that he was the first one this was happening too, right? He didn’t know. Maybe it was a weird hereditary disease, he didn’t know the health history of his parents after all, he could barely remember them…
The realisation that this could be due to his parents quickened Kaeya’s breathing rapidly. Maybe there was no literature on it, because it wasn’t from here, maybe he had it because he wasn’t from here, but from Khaenriah, maybe it was part of the curse which had ended all of Khaenriah’s life, he didn’t know, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to have disease because he came from somewhere different, he just wanted to be normal, someone from Tevyat, someone from Mondstadt, someone who wasn’t a-
“You traitor!”
The voice of Diluc played over and over again in his head, and Kaeya couldn’t think correctly. The words the older had told him that night wouldn’t quiet down, and Kaeya’s next breath wouldn’t come. He tried. Again and again, but it just didn’t work, and he didn’t know why. He needed to calm down, he knew, he couldn’t let his head go all crazy like that in the middle of the library.
Kaeya swiftly put the fifth book he had been skipping through back to its rightful place on the bookshelf. He felt like he needed to cough, he knew it, but he could barely breath like this and only managed a few gasped out attempts at it, and if he would cough now, too, he felt like he would end up suffocating.
“Hello, Sir Kaeya”, a well-known voice broke the silence, and while Kaeya didn’t really want to talk to anyone now, he just wanted to curl up into his bed, tightly tucked under the blanket, and sleep while pretending Master Diluc didn’t hate him, he was glad that there was someone there. Someone, anyone, to distract himself from the thoughts running crazy in his brain.
“Are you looking for anything in specific?”, Venti asked, and Kaeya turned around to face him.
Despite the sheer amount of wine Kaeya had watched Venti consume yesterday, Venti looked perfectly fine and put together, at least not any less than normally. Sure, his hair was bit messy, but it always was. His clothes were clean and tidy and he didn’t smell of alcohol anymore, but instead like he had just taken a walk through the forest. Kaeya himself could hold his liquor well, too, but if he would drink as much as Venti, he’d end up spending the whole day after wandering between his bed- and bathroom.
At the thought of liquor, Kaeya’s mind went back to yesterday evening, and he did end up coughing then. With his handkerchief held in front of his mouth as to not have the man next to him see any blood drops leaving his body or, even worse, a petal, he felt Venti’s small hand on his back. Then, he heard his voice too, telling him to breathe.
Only then he realized that he had problems doing so. The suffocating feeling he had tried to avoid only a few moments ago was now taking over, and he couldn’t breathe. His mind was racing, something about suffocating, something about dying, something about his father – he couldn’t keep up with it, and his breathing could even less. There was something stuck in his throat, but it wouldn’t leave, and-
Kaeya wanted to cry. He didn’t know why, but he felt like doing so. Though he couldn’t, he was in the library after all, Lisa could see, Venti would definitely see, he really, really wanted to cry. Cry out about the suffocating feeling, cry out about how Diluc hated him, cry out about how he was a traitor, and cry out about his lost family.
Then, it all stopped. Suddenly, he could breathe again, more or less fresh air filling his lungs again, finally. In between his fingers, he felt a petal through the handkerchief. He quickly crumbled it again, trying to put it away so that Venti wouldn’t see. He kind of had a feeling that he had a good view on it from standing beside him, but he didn’t say a word, and Kaeya definitely wouldn’t bring it up.
“Are you doing fine, Kaeya?”, Venti asked from next to him, looking up to him and carefully helping him tidy his clothes, as they had become wrinkled from his body shaking during the coughing fit.
Kaeya wondered if Venti had been concerned for him. He drank with him sometimes, the bard was fun company, but apart from that, he didn’t know much about him. Would Venti be concerned, still? Kaeya would never say it out loud, but he wished for it, just a little. It’d be nice to have the knowledge that someone, anyone, was thinking about him. Not much, of course, he wouldn’t ask for that, but a little.
“Yes, yes, I’m doing fine”, Kaeya answered, doing his best to slow down his breathing. “There’s no need to worry about me. I’ve been coughing all morning, I think I’m just getting a cold.”
“A cold, you say?”, Venti asked and Kaeya nodded. The smaller looked up to him, and Kaeya had a feeling that he didn’t quite believe him. He could only hope that Venti hadn’t seen the petal, otherwise it would be over for him. “It is winter soon, so colds are common. You should try to take good care of yourself”, Venti mumbled then, and nodded. “Well, I hope you’ll get over it swiftly. Your cough does sound rather bad, you might want to take some medicine.”
“Yes, yes, I will”, Kaeya answered. “I have already taken some earlier, but the cough is rather obstinate.” He had in fact taken some of the medicine Noelle had bough him after a particular bad coughing fit, but it didn’t do much to help him. Maybe he needed something numbing instead, and try to ignore whatever was scratching his throat from the inside.
“Either way, dear Kaeya, you still haven’t answered my question”, Venti said, looking up at him, a grin on his face. “Would you care to do so now?”
“Well-“, Kaeya needed a moment to sort the words in his head, to form a lie that was at least a little believable, but Venti’s careful eyes watching his every breath and move made him nervous. “It’s nothing much, you know”, he tried a laugh, though it sounded rather awkward. Why was he like this? First he had panicked after not being able to breath properly, and now he couldn’t even form a fake laugh. He couldn’t even lie, something he was good at, something he needed to be good at.
Venti was still watching him, though, and Kaeya took deep breath. He could do this. He was a good liar, a wonderful liar. This was simple…
“Recently, I’ve received a message from my informant about something they found in an old fatui camp, a notebook telling a legend about a sickness and flowers… I’m not exactly sure what it was revering too, so I decided to take a look.” Kaeya sighed, and did his best to look a bit pitifully. “However, the condition of the notebook wasn’t the best, and I don’t have much information, so it’s rather hard to find anything.”
“I think I understand”, Venti said, slowly nodding. Only a moment later, however, a smiled had found it’s way back on his face. “You should’ve asked me, Sir Kaeya! I may seem like nothing more than a drunk bard, but I’m full of hidden knowledge. “ He laughed, and Kaeya did his best to do so, too.
“It didn’t occur to me that bard’s are so good at medical problems.”
“Well, not medical, maybe. But legends and history, I can tell you thousands of stories, dear Captain”, Venti winked at him. “Do not underestimate me, yes?”
Kaeya nodded swiftly. While he did enjoy talking to Venti, the small man was lively and loud and kind, he felt the need to cough again, and really, really didn’t want to get into the previous situation again. “I won’t, oh drunk bard.”
Venti laughed. “I’m glad about that.” He took a moment to look at the books lined up on the shelves in front of them, as if he really knew what he was doing and searching for something important. “Now, let me help you…”
With precision, he grabbed a book and pulled it out. It was rather old, bound in a red cloth. Kaeya could barely read the title, it was rather washed out, but when Venti pushed it into his arms, he could make out the writing.
Ancient diseases and their history
If Kaeya would need a mysterious looking book for a theatre play, he would definitely choose this one. It looked like it contained an ancient prophecy or forgotten knowledge, and though ancient diseases surely would be interesting, they were still far more boring than a long lost text. He doubted he would’ve chosen this book to take to his office with him if he had continued to search by himself. In truth, he still wasn’t completely sure if he’d find what he needed in here. After all, this was Venti’s answer to his story, right? Hopefully it was the answer to the truth, too.
Though the small man in front of him seemed like nothing more than a bard and a drunkard who spend most, if not all, of his money on wine, Kaeya knew he was more than such. He didn’t know why, but Venti, too, just like this book, was rather mysterious.
Nobody even knew where Venti came from. He had simply been there on day, and he had never left. Kaeya didn’t know where Venti lived now, either. When Venti had only first arrived and he had meet him in the tavern, he had asked one of his informants to find out more, but the search had ended with barely any answers. What was Venti doing with his life? Why was he so good with the lyre, why did Diluc not make him pay despite saying he hated him, why? Nobody knew, and Kaeya didn’t, either.
Venti had helped find others before, too. Kaeya remembered a particular case, where a young child had gone missing, and the knights ended up searching desperately all around the city for them. But they had only found them after Venti was seen whispering something into Huffmann’s ear about the child searching for the best, juiciest apples close to Springvale.
They managed to find the child not soon after, just like Venti had said, close to Springvale. Kaeya had asked him about it later tonight, but Venti had only grinned at him and loudly claimed something about the wind telling him.
Venti really was only to describe as fascinating.
Maybe it wouldn’t be all that bad to give the book Venti had picked out for him a shot. Though, what chance did he have, really? It was either this or spending the rest of the day searching for something without knowing what it was, so this seemed like the obviously better choice.
Kaeya took the book from Venti’s hands which had shoved it into his chest, finally holding onto it himself. “Thank you. I appreciate you help and will make sure to take a look at it”, he said. His voice was a bit shaken and unsteady, on the verge of stuttering or slurring his words, probably due to him being nervous. Why was he nervous? He wasn’t nervous, there was no reason to be nervous, none at all. He was fine, everything was fine, Master Diluc was fine without him…
He was sent into a coughing fit once again and tried to find a grip while hunching over at the coughs rattling, shaking through his body. One hand found Venti’s shoulder, which he held basically in a death grip, and the other pressed his handkerchief in front of his mouth. Venti’s hand held his while still laying on the smaller’s shoulder, and somehow, Kaeya managed to keep thinking more clearly. Maybe it was due to Venti’s smallest finger softly caressing his hand, which helped keep a grip on reality and what was happening around him, but he wasn’t sure. He was so… done, right now.
It was as if all the power had left him. Maybe it had never been there. Maybe he really was just sick, developing a fever or something like that. But then, the image of the petals found their way back into his mind, and he remembered that this was not a cold. There was rather something wrong with him.
As fast the cough had taken over, it was gone again, and only left him with a sore, dry throat and the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. He wished he would have a cup of Noelle’s tea right now.
“You really should take some medicine”, Venti said, like he was concerned about Kaeya. “We wouldn’t want our dear cavalry captain to be sick, would we?” Kaeya shook his head, which seemed to be the right answer based on Venti’s grin. They wouldn’t want that. How lucky he wasn’t sick, but there was simply something wrong. No need to be concerned.
“I will have to leave now”, Venti said, blinking up at him. “I wish you good luck with your research.”
“Thank you for-“, Kaeya started the sentence, but before he finished talking, Venti had already disappeared. It was like a gush of wind had taken him away. It was quiet downstairs in the library after that, and Kaeya couldn’t tell if he liked it.
- - -
With the book in hand, Kaeya walked up the stairs to Lisa’s desk again. By now, she had stopped scribbling into her little notebook, instead she was sorting through a stack of books. She seemed caught up in her work, as she only acknowledged Kaeya when he was standing right in front of her.
“Well, hello, my dear”, as always, Lisa’s voice dripped of honey and unexplainable sweetness. This, Kaeya had never understood. Of course, he too, had realized that Lisa liked to flirt and make people shiver nervously, flustering them, but this technique barely worked on him. Only when they had first met, really. But she had never stopped talking to him this way, as if he deserved to be showed this kindness and the honey, dripping down onto him.
What a dumb thought that was, really.
Kaeya smiled to himself at this idea, just slightly, so that Lisa barely realized. What was he even thinking? She was doing this with everyone. It was just her, her personality, her way of speaking. How dare he interpret such a wild idea into it. He had really believed himself to be smarter than this.
“I see you’ve found some reading material”, Lisa said, taking the book out of his hand. “I must say, Sir Kaeya, this looks quite mysterious. What are you trying to hide from me?” For a moment, he was overtaken by the same feeling as when Venti had talked to him early, the feeling of something being stuck in his throat and not being able to breath. Did Lisa know? Had she heard them? Had he coughed too loud, that she realized?
But then, he saw her sly smile, and realized that she was only joking with him. Oh, help him please, he was so nervous today, it was almost embarrassing. He really needed to work on himself, didn’t he?
“Nothing mysterious at all, my dear Lisa”, he answered, finally managing to find his own smile. It was a bit easier now than when he had tried to convince Venti that he was simply suffering from a cold, but it took him a moment nonetheless.
He needed this smile, though, he couldn’t disappoint Lisa. Lisa was important, Lisa was someone he liked. He wasn’t quite sure if she liked him, too, but that was fine. A bit, probably. After all, they were colleagues and Lisa spent quite some time with him, so there must be something she liked about him. Right?
Even if she didn’t like him, it was fine. She was kind nonetheless, and that was enough. Kind and helpful, though sometimes a bit too flirty. And loud. Kaeya couldn’t really describe it, but Lisa was loud. Not her voice or her movements, but simply in her presence. When she was somewhere, she filled up the whole room with her presence. When she walked through the door, everyone imminently turned their head to greet her. It was fascinating, really.
Lisa had many friends due to this, and Kaeya was glad that she still choose him to spend her time with. It made him feel a bit better, like the thorns in his throat were softening for only a short moment.
“Mmh, what do you need it for then?”, Lisa asked, seemingly curious about the book. “I’ve read this one myself, it’s quite interesting, though a bit hard to understand at times. But I hadn’t expected our dear cavalry captain to find an interested in illnesses of ancient times.”
“It’s not really an interest”, Kaeya waved it off. “It’s just about some information I’ve received, you know, Fatui…” While he could tell Lisa the complete story he had told Venti, there was a fair difference between the two: Lisa was noisy. Not too much that it was uncomfortable, but enough that it made him terribly nervous in his current state. Venti, however, was mysterious, but he let others be mysterious, too. He never asked unnecessary question, except if it was to annoy Diluc or to make some kind of joke.
He needed to cough again, he felt it, and the feeling interrupted his thought process. He couldn’t cough here, not directly in front of Lisa, he couldn’t dare let her know.
“Oh, I see”, Lisa said, smiling up at him cheekily. “I believe it’s a secret then, am I right?” When he said something was happening because of the Fatui, than that was the only time where Lisa actually could keep her curiosity in check. It was work then, and then he wasn’t allowed to talk about it.
Kaeya just nodded. “I`ll tell you when everything is over”, he said.
“Of course. I’ll finish you right up”, she said. “Don’t forget, yes? I’m very interested in what’s happening around here.”
And really, Kaeya wanted to laugh, he really did, but the thorn was back, stuck in his throat, and he just couldn’t. It felt terrible, not to be able to react to Lisa in the way she deserved. Maybe she’d notice that he was different, maybe she’d ask, maybe she’d find out.
Oh, he really needed to calm down. He couldn’t finish a single thought – how was he supposed to work like this? Lunch break was over soon, and he still had a bunch of documents waiting on his desk for him.
“Here you go”, Lisa said, handing the book back to him. He stared at it for a moment in shook, had he really spent so much time thinking about not being able to laugh that he didn’t react at all. Now, he didn’t want to laugh anymore, he just wanted to cry, like earlier, when he couldn’t breathe.
It really was a terrible day, and he messed it up even more. He was so dumb, and disrespectful, not even reacting to Lisa’s words. How dare he? It really was no wonder that nobody liked him. If he was them, he wouldn’t like someone like him either. It was completely fair, really.
Once again, he was interrupted in his thought process. This time, though, it was by Lisa’s laugh, and her warm smile. It, too, just like her voice, was dripping of disgustingly sweet honey. “Oh, Kaeya”, she laughed, and he couldn’t do anything but stare. “Oh, Kaeya”, she repeated, calming down a little, her laugh slowly turning into a warm, soft smile. She was too kind, Kaeya knew. “Don’t feel bad for spacing out, yes? Your new case must really keep you up, if you’re even sacrificing you lunch break to find literature.”
Kaeya just nodded. He didn’t manage much else, the cough now caught in his throat. If he opened his mouth now, he was sure of it, he couldn’t help but end in another body-shaking coughing fit.
“Well, go now, back to work with you. Don’t forget your tea break over your case, yeah?”, Lisa asked, basically shoving him towards the heavy wooden door of the library.
Only a moment later, the door closed behind Kaeya. He kept the book in a tight grip, and as soon the door fell shut behind him, the coughing began. Though he just wanted to be alone, he missed Venti’s warm hand on his shoulder, helping him to keep himself upright as the cough shook through his body. It had been nice, to have someone there with him, to give him some sort of comfort.
But he understood why they sent him away, of course. Lisa wouldn’t like someone ignoring her, her reaction was completely reasonable. Work was important, too, just like she had said. He should listen to her, really. Let’s get to work, and later, he could look through the book. And maybe someone would come, and ask to spend his afternoon break drinking tea with him, like he always did.
As he walked up the stairs to the second floor where his office was located, he couldn’t help but chuckle at himself. He knew that nobody would come.
- - -
Kaeya had been right. He spent his annual afternoon tea break alone in his office, still sitting at his desk. Noelle had bought him the tea, exactly five minutes before he said he started his break, saying that she didn’t have much to do and so decided to spend her time helping him with his tea. He had thanked her hurriedly before dismissing her, because he had been having another coughing fit. It really was terrible today, the coughs rattling through his body at the most terrible moments.
Along with the tea Noelle had bought him a tablet for his sore throat, which helped him concentrate at least a little more on the book now laid out in front of him.
He had been aimlessly flipping through it, as he had not been familiar with any names of the diseases named in the table of contents. While he hadn’t found anything yet, it was in fact far more interesting than he had expected. Though Lisa was right, the language was a bit hard to understand sometimes due to the books age, it was nice to read through.
Kaeya flipped another page, and was greeted with the picture of a flower in front of him. Maybe this had something to do with whatever he had? It was the closest he had come to anything like an answer today. He read the title of the page:
Hanahaki – a mysterious illness
He swallowed. Though he had expected whatever he had to be something serious, it must if he was constantly coughing up blood and if his throat hurt this terribly, but this title, if it referred to his illness, scared him a little. Maybe even more than a little. Mysterious didn’t sound good, not in that context.
Still, he needed information, so he continued reading.
Cases of Hanahaki have been reported over the last hundreds of years, though it is considered a rather rare illness, only occurring in about 0,004 percent of the population. Due to its severity and cause however, it is often used as a material for legends and stories, and often only known through those.
This didn’t sound good at all, Kaeya noted. It made him nervous, his breathing quickened and he felt the need to cough. He swallowed again, trying to dare himself to calm down. It would be fine, it always was.
The most common symptoms of Hanahaki are known to be an ache in lungs and throat, often described as how thorns would feel if they were inside one’s body, along with a fever in later stages of the illness. There are also reported examples of people having trouble speaking and then, at least, breathing. The symptom Hanahaki is most famous for however is the coughing of petals and later, full flowers.
Kaeya froze in his movements, not daring to move his eyes from the words. Coughing of petals, that’s what was happening to him. He most likely had this disease, Hanahaki, and he couldn’t tell what to think of it. So, he read ahead, trying to figure out more about this Hanahaki thing which was affecting him.
This coughing of petals is caused by a flower growing in one’s lungs. How this flower finds its way there and of how exactly it is possible for a flower to grow inside one, is unknown and due to the few cases hard to research. It is known that the flower grows higher and broader inside one. In the end, it will suffocate the affected person, due to the flower blocking their airways.
He wanted to throw up, he wanted to cough, he wanted to cry, he didn’t know what he wanted. He only knew that this, what he had previously thought was just something wrong with him, was even more serious than he had expected. He was going to suffocate, due to a flower growing in his lungs.
The cause of the disease is still unknown, however it is believed to be caused due to a mental strain on one, in most known cases due to unrequited love. Until it is proven that said love is not unrequited, the disease is not to stop and often ends with death of the affected.
Kaeya closed the book, trying his best to not be affected by the tears forming his eyes. Why was he crying, why did he feel so miserable, why couldn’t he help the coughs rattling through his body, why was it him? Did it have to be him? He already knew that they didn’t love him, that his brother, Diluc, Master Diluc, didn’t love him. He didn’t need a disease telling him so.
But the tears didn’t stop, and neither did the cough. Kaeya hated it. His throat hurt, and now his eyes did too, and what if Noelle heard his sobs, miserable, quiet sobs which made his body shake, outside of the door?
He couldn’t let anyone find out what was happening. They didn`t need to know that they were the reason he was sick, because he loved them, and they didn`t love him back. It wasn`t their fault, after all. It was him, only him, being so damn terribly unlovable once again, they were not to blame.
Diluc didn’t need to know either. He didn’t need to know of how Kaeya was still so hung up on him. Of how Kaeya just couldn’t help himself but wish to have him back, wish to be sitting with him at the kitchen table, wishing for him so that they could pull small pranks on Adelinde. Neither did he need to know of Kaeya’s wish for him as a big brother, or the wish for a family once again.
Kaeya stared at the book in front of him, which had just told him the truth of his sickness so insensitively. One last tear rolled down his cheeks, but he wiped it away.
Kaeya was unlovable, and Kaeya was going to die. Everything was fine.
- - -
It was late in the evening when he finally left the knights headquarters. His brain had calmed a little, as had his lungs. Though he still felt much worse than the last few days, it wasn’t as bad as earlier in his office, or this morning.
After Kaeya had closed the book in the result of finding the truth about his illness, he had put it aside and did his best not to think of it. This of course was easier said than done, especially with such a serious message, which he couldn’t seem to stop replaying in his head. But with work, he had managed to forget for at least a few short moments in between, which had helped his throat and the… flower with calming a little.
He finally took a step outside, breathing in the fresh, cool air of the late evening. The sun was already hiding behind the walls of Mondstadt, and so, the city was only light up due to the weakly shining moon and the street lanterns on the corners.
Normally, Kaeya left quicker. Normally, he was sitting in a tavern this time around, but today, nothing really was normal. All the time he had spent in his office today, coughing up blood and occasional petals, along with a few tears making their way down his cheeks which he refused to acknowledge, had taken a toll on his productivity. While he had only done paperwork, it felt like it took him years to complete.
He tried to ignore this fact. Instead, he decided to focus on where he was going – while being lost in his thoughts, Kaeya had already made his way through the city. He was barely aware of this, hadn’t even noticed his feet moving if he was any honest. With the usually loud, bustling city being quiet at this late hour, he had nobody to greet at every corner, and was instead just slowly making his way through the city.
Kaeya looked up from his feet, and really wished he hadn’t done so. While he had been busy with himself, with what was happening to him, he had walked to the angel’s share, and was now standing right in front of it.
Loud singing, laughter and glasses clinking could be heard from the inside. Kaeya didn’t move, not a single muscle in his body twitched, he just couldn’t help but stare.
Why did he end up here? Was his subconsciousness messing with him? Was such even possible?
It wasn’t a good idea to come here, Kaeya knew. Not a good idea at all, not with the things happening to him, not with the illness affecting him, not when he definitely knew that Diluc didn’t love him anymore. And he absolutely didn’t, after all, Kaeya had read the confirmation of the illness cause being unrequited love.
And even though he denied it, even though he didn’t want to admit it, Kaeya loved Diluc the most out of everyone. His childhood best friend, his brother, whatever Diluc was to Kaeya, it was obvious that Diluc didn’t feel the same.
It wasn’t a good idea to come here, not right know, and it most definitely wasn’t a good idea to go inside, but Kaeya went anyway.
Master Diluc was standing behind the counter, seemingly busy with writing something down while humming slightly to the melody the bards were playing. For a moment, Kaeya felt lost, before he managed to pull himself together. This was easy, right? He had been here tons of times when Diluc was working, this didn’t change anything.
Like often, the knights occupied a table, glasses and empty bottles spread all over it. When he managed to leave work earlier, after patrol or a mission, Kaeya often sat with them. But today, he wasn’t in the mood for the carefree atmosphere and while he did wish to drink away his worries, he doubted this would be in any way good for his throat. Normally, how good drinking was for his body didn’t matter much to him – after all, it was very easy to figure out that it wasn’t good at all – but his throat hurt terribly after all the coughing and he didn’t want to make it worse.
So, he took a seat by the bar, one of the few ones left. One drink would be fine, right? After all, he just needed something to get his mind of off things. Just a little moment, just a distraction, this would be enough.
“What do you need?”, Diluc’s voice cut through the fog clouding his mind like a sharp knife, and Kaeya lifted his eyes from where he had looked at the handkerchief he held tightly in his hands. The redhead was staring at him, his expression unreadable. The only thing Kaeya realised was the usual cold feeling that came with Diluc’s eyes resting on him.
“Just a death after noon”, Kaeya answered. His voice, too, had taken a toll after all these coughs, sounding a bit more raspy than usual. But Diluc wouldn’t realize, Kaeya was sure of it. And even if, he wouldn’t worry. Because Diluc didn’t care.
He once again watched his hands, not daring to look at Diluc in front of him. The other couldn’t see the tears forming in Kaeya’s eyes, he had to make sure of it.
“Are you sure that’s the right thing to drink in your stage?”, Diluc asked, and Kaeya, once again, looked up to him.
“What?”, he asked.
“Are you sure that’s the right thing to drink in your stage?”, Diluc repeated, and Kaeya really, really wanted to cry at this. He didn’t even really know why. Maybe he was tired, maybe he was sick, maybe it was just the effect of Diluc’s words paired with the knowledge he had acquired earlier.
“Just give me my drink.”
Diluc raised an eyebrow at him. “What’s up with you today?”
“Nothing”, Kaeya didn’t know how much longer he could hide the tears welling up in his eyes, or the cough wanting to leave his body, or how long he could keep sitting here without just curling up and sleeping. “Just give me my drink, Master Diluc. That’s terrible customer service from you, don’t you think so?”
“My customer service is fine, thank you”, Diluc said. His expression hadn’t changed, but he had put the pen with which he had written aside and was instead focusing his attention on Kaeya. “I just want to know what’s up with you today. You don’t look so good.”
Kaeya laughed, but it was short and full of sorrow he still hoped to hide. “I never look good, don’t I? You told me before. So there really is no need to worry. Just… just give me my drink.”
“You should go home, Kaeya. There’s something wrong with you today.”
By now, Kaeya really, really wished he had never stepped into the tavern today. Diluc was a bit rude normally, too, but today it felt like it was worse. Or maybe it just affected him more? Kaeya couldn’t remember Diluc ever telling him there was something wrong with him, but… It didn’t matter. Maybe he really should go home, lie in his in bed and cry himself to sleep.
“Yes, maybe I should”, he said, slowly, standing up from where he had just taken a seat. It would be better, probably. He didn’t wish to cause any more inconvenience for Master Diluc by annoying him in the tavern.
So he left, quickly and quietly, without another word, only Diluc’s burning, watchful eyes following him to the door. He didn’t know what to say.
He thought he had heard something before the heavy door fell closed behind him, but it sounded an awful lot like “Get well soon”, so he knew it was just his imagination toying with him. It was fine. Everything was fine, like it always was.
The moment he had left the tavern, the tears began flowing, like a waterfall down his cheeks. He couldn’t help it, even though he felt pathetic for being this way. If Diluc could see him now, he’d be so embarrassed.
It really was embarrassing, though. Kaeya was embarrassing. Kaeya shouldn’t feel this way after receiving this knowledge, which he had already been aware of before. He had known, after all, about how the man who was once his brother hated him now. He had accepted it, too, so why was this so hard? Why did he feel this way?
He wiped the tears away, before coughing into his handkerchief. Another petal left his throat, but the scratching feeling never left. It never would, he knew now.
Maybe it would be better if he would just die. Maybe this illness was doing him a favour.