Archive of Our Own ^beta

Out of all the things Shuichi Akai might have expected to find himself doing in the three years since the Black Organization was finally eradicated, sitting down for dinner with Rei Furuya was probably the last one on the list. 

True, they had worked through their past grievances now, and he would even go as far as to call them friends. And true, when Akai was still living in Japan the months before the FBI officially pulled out, they had gone out for coffee or drinks a few times. But since his return to America, their communication had been limited to the occasional brief phone call or text message. It wasn't by choice (in fact, Akai would have liked to be able to talk to Rei more often), but they were both busy with their own lives. Akai had other missions to complete for the FBI, and Rei was still cleaning up the mess the Organization had left in its wake. 

Not to mention there was also the absolute absurdity of Rei Furuya, who was possibly the most nationalistic man Akai had ever known, willingly setting foot on American soil. The only possible reason Akai could think of for his sudden desire to visit the country affiliated with his least favorite law enforcement agency was that he was on a mission for the NPA. But if that was the case, then it hardly made sense for Rei to ask him to go to dinner, and yet here they were, sitting across from each other in a small diner, nursing a hamburger and a glass of beer each. 

"So, Furuya-kun," Akai ventured after a few moments. "Not that I'm not thrilled to see you again, but what exactly brings you to New York anyway? I can't say I ever expected to see you here." 

"Well, you could say I needed a vacation," Rei replied evasively. 

Akai snorted at that, not believing a word. "You? A vacation? I didn't think you even knew what that word meant." 

"Vacation: an extended period of leisure and recreation, especially one spent away from home or in traveling." 

"Oh, you know what I meant..." 

"Really, though, I think you might want to consider taking a vacation yourself, Akai. You still look like you haven't slept in about three weeks," Rei told him seriously. 

At that, Akai averted his eyes slightly, fiddling with his thumbs. He had hoped that Rei wouldn't notice how far his health had deteriorated, but he supposed that was too much to ask. The blond-haired man wasn't Japan's best intelligence officer for nothing. 

It wasn't that he hadn't been trying to take care of himself. Over the past three years, Akai had tried just about every psychological healing tactic in the book, yet somehow, none of them seemed to work. He had tried going to therapy, but that quickly proved to be a disaster when he couldn't bring himself to talk about any of the things he had gone through. He had tried meditation, but it was impossible to relax when the slightest sound made him jump and reach for his gun. He had even spoken to a psychiatrist and received a prescription for anti-anxiety medication when his insomnia showed no sign of improving after the first six months, but even a nightly dose of oxazepam pills could only do so much to help him. 

Rei studied him carefully, the blue eyes that Akai always saw in the few good dreams he experienced these days traveling over his face. 

"How have you been?" he asked quietly. 

"I've been..." Akai tried to say fine, but when he looked back at Rei, he couldn't bring himself to lie. "I've been trying, really, I have. Life has been...busy, I suppose. You know how it is. And, well...I'm just trying to learn how to live a normal life again, but I just...I'm not sure I even know what normal is." 

"I understand," Rei replied simply, and although it wasn't the first time someone had said that to him, for once, Akai didn't feel the familiar surge of mingled irritation and weariness. 

"I don't believe I ever told you this, but three months before you and Scotch were recruited by the Organization, I was on a field mission with Gin and Vodka," he began softly, staring at his half-empty glass of beer. "We managed to kill our target, but before we could dispose of the body, it was discovered by a little girl. She couldn't have been more than eleven or twelve years old at the most. And she was hardly a threat, but she saw too much, so...well, I'm sure I don't need to tell you how the story ends." 

Most people would have recoiled in disgust at that revelation, which Akai had to admit would have been a perfectly justifiable reaction. As always, however, Rei was different and simply nodded, offering no pity but also offering no condemnation either. 

"I've probably got at least a few dozen other stories like that. And I knew that things would be messy when I accepted the mission. I knew there was no way I was going to walk away without getting a little blood on my hands." 

"No," Rei agreed. 

"Well, you know how it is. It's all part of the mission, right? You can't waste time getting caught up in the morality of it all because that's how your cover gets blown. You can't think about all the families that have been destroyed because of you because members of large criminal organizations don't usually have a lot of empathy to spare. But it's just...it's a lot harder than I thought it would be, going from that to...this." 

How was he supposed to reconcile who he was before with the person he had become now? Was it even possible to achieve a sense of normalcy after everything that had happened? 

"Is that why things didn't work out between you and Starling?" 

That caught Akai's attention, and he raised an eyebrow. Six months ago, he and Jodie had agreed to give their relationship a second try, which he had briefly mentioned to Rei during one of their phone calls. He had not, however, informed him (or anyone, for that matter) that they had called it off again just under three weeks ago, and he couldn't fathom how Rei could have found out. 

"How did you know we broke up?" he asked curiously. 

"Just because you refuse to use social media doesn't mean everyone follows the same mindset, Akai." 

Akai blinked. "Since when do you and Jodie follow each other on social media?" 

"Well, no, we don't," Rei amended. "But two detectives you know very well do, and they both noticed that Starling deleted all the pictures with the two of you from her account. Not to mention when we talked on the phone last week, you didn't talk about her at all. It wasn't hard to piece together what was going on." 

"I see," he murmured. 

"Can I ask what happened? Between the two of you, I mean." 

Instead of answering right away, Akai remained silent, trying to think of the best way to explain himself. He took a bite of his burger and chewed slowly, recalling all the events that had led to his second breakup with Jodie. 

If he was being honest, it was probably more accurate to ask what hadn't happened between them. 

Looking back on things now, Akai realized he should have known better than to agree to get back together with Jodie. It wasn't as though he hadn't tried to be better; on the contrary, he had genuinely wanted things to work out this time. Maybe it was the lingering regret he felt about falling in love with Akemi while they were still together the first time around, maybe it had to do with his mother pressuring him to settle down now that he was in his mid-thirties, or maybe it was his desire for things to go back to the way they used to be. Regardless of the reason, he had fully intended to be the partner she deserved. 

Unfortunately, intentions and consequences didn't always line up, as he had learned the hard way many times over. 

"I suppose I just...wanted to believe in something that was never going to happen," he said finally. "Within a few weeks of us getting back together, I could tell that Jodie and I weren't a good match for each other anymore. Not like the way we were the first time around. But, well, I'm sure that things are always awkward when people decide to get back together with their exes, so I just chalked it up to that and assumed things would get better." 

"And I'm guessing that didn't happen." 

"No, not really. In fact, the longer we were together, things only got worse between us. I wasn't exactly...in the best state of mind, as you've probably guessed, but I couldn't talk to her about anything that was bothering me. And whenever she tried to help me, it just got on my nerves because I knew she didn't really understand what I needed." 

All in all, it had taken a month and a half for Akai to realize that he and Jodie simply weren't meant to be. But after what happened between them all those years ago, however, he had felt guilty about dumping her a second time, so he had gritted his teeth and resolved to figure out how to navigate their relationship. 

The irony, of course, was that by dragging out the relationship, he had probably hurt her more than if he had simply broken things off as soon as he realized there was no way they were going to make things work. He had thought that if he tried to fight for her this time, everything would turn out alright in the end. But even this time, he hadn't gotten it right because he had been so focused on them that he forgot to take care of himself. 

Now that he was a few weeks removed from the relationship, he had done enough self-reflecting to realize that the way things had fallen apart so spectacularly was mostly his own fault. Nearly three years of nights plagued with nightmares of watching Gin put a bullet through his loved ones' heads had taken their toll, and although Akai had tried not to take it out on Jodie, he had been increasingly short-tempered with her as time went on. Part of him had resented her for adjusting so easily to living a normal life again, which he knew wasn't fair, but he hadn't known how to stop being bitter, and it had only made him more and more irritable. In his worst moments, he would snap at Jodie, Camel, a passing stranger, or even one of his siblings before shutting himself away in his run-down apartment with a bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes, trying to find a peace that wouldn't come. 

Akai had tried to patch things up, of course. He would take Jodie out for dinner at a relatively nice restaurant (unfortunately, living on a government salary meant he couldn't afford to splurge too much) as an apology and explain that he was dealing with a bit of stress without going into too much detail. He would buy Camel a coffee from his favorite cafe. He would call Shukichi or Masumi after things had cooled down to explain that things were busy at the bureau and, in Masumi's case, offer to send over some money so she could enjoy a girls' night with Ran and Sonoko. But he could only expend so much energy on trying to keep his temper in check and making amends when his efforts inevitably failed, and as their fights continued to pile up, things steadily deteriorated between him and Jodie. 

"If I'm being honest, things were...miserable between us during the last couple of months before we broke up," Akai admitted. "I wanted to be a good boyfriend to her, but I was always so tired and...well, angry, I guess. Not at her, but she usually ended up getting caught in the crossfire." 

During the last few weeks of their relationship, on top of several minor spats whose causes he couldn't remember now, they had gotten into two massive arguments, both of them entirely his fault. The first one happened when Jodie brought up the topic of marriage. He had known from the start that he needed to be prepared for the likelihood that she would want their relationship to be more permanent this time around; they were both in their thirties now, and most of their friends and colleagues had started getting themselves settled down. But whenever Akai had tried to picture himself married to Jodie, he just couldn't see them together in that way. He couldn't explain why; maybe it was because losing Akemi had left him leery of making long-term commitments, especially when he was still struggling to make it through each day. Regardless, he had told her that he wasn't certain whether he could make a commitment like that, and when she had asked him for a reason, he had lost his cool with her. 

What followed next was an hour-long shouting match about how she was too pushy and needy, his apparent inability to empathize with her feelings, and her selfishness in asking him to commit to her when she clearly didn't know the first thing about how to be the person he needed either. 

In the end, out of sheer frustration, Akai had snapped that he didn't think there was any point in trying to love her anymore, which had essentially sealed the fate of their relationship. He had assumed that would be the end of that, but a week later, she had paid him an unexpected visit. She had meant well, and he knew she had only been looking to make amends, but he had never liked surprises. Unfortunately, while he normally would have tried to grin and bear it, he had been in an especially bad mood that day, and the last thing he had wanted to do was listen to anything she had to say. 

She had begged and pleaded with him to talk to her, telling him that she loved him and that she would be there for him if he would only just let her help him. Instead of softening him, however, her pleas had only made him angrier because his brain decided that she only saw him and his problems as a fun little project to work on. 

He had told her to leave and not come back. 

Since then, their interactions had devolved into strictly professional conversations or the occasional nod if they passed by each other in the office. Unfortunately, seeing as they still worked together, it was impossible for them to have a clean break. It was only made worse by the fact that Jodie was his field partner, which meant he had to witness her misery over their latest split. 

Akai knew he owed her an apology, and he fully intended to give her one soon. For now, however, things were still too awkward between them, and he doubted that she wanted anything to do with him anyway. 

"Akai, what happened between you and Starling?" 

Abruptly, he realized that he had been silent for the past ten minutes. When he looked up, Rei was staring at him from across the booth, his eyes filled with concern. Akai held his gaze for a few moments, feeling something in his heart lighten as a familiar rush of warmth surged through him. 

"I..." he began, then shook his head to clear it. Now wasn't the time to get lost in Rei Furuya's eyes again. "I just...messed up a lot. I shouldn't have agreed to get back together with her in the first place, but I guess I just felt guilty for the way I ended things the first time, and I wanted a sense of normalcy. But I didn't know how to juggle a relationship and my own problems, and when she tried to help, it only made me angrier. In the end, I just...realized we couldn't make things work between us anymore, so I called it off." 

"That's probably for the best." 

Akai nodded and sighed. "You know, when I first got back after everything was over, I was a lot more confident that everything was going to be alright and I would be able to pick up where I left off. Lately, though, I'm not so sure. I know we're safe now, or, well, as safe as we could ever be considering our jobs, but it just..." 

"Feels like it's too good to be true?" Rei guessed. 

"Yeah." 

He nodded. "I know what you mean. Even though it's been three years, I keep expecting to find the Organization waiting on my doorstep to execute me for being a traitor." 

"How have things been for you these past few years anyway?" Akai asked. "I know we've talked a few times since the FBI pulled out of Japan, but I still feel like I haven't heard much about what's been going on with you." 

"Well...if I'm being honest, things could be a lot better," Rei admitted. "They could be a lot worse too, sure, but...let's just say I definitely understand what you mean about having a hard time adjusting to being normal again. It just feels wrong, you know? We're supposed to try to go back to the way things were before, but everything has changed so much." 

"I'll say. Look at you now. Three years ago, you were the last person I would have ever expected to set foot in America unless you were on a mission for the PSB. And you're eating a burger of all things, and I haven't once heard you complain about how greasy American food is." 

Rei rolled his eyes, a hint of pink coloring his face. "I was hungry, that's all. This still doesn't compare to Japanese cuisine." 

"Hmm...speaking of Japanese cuisine, I would advise against eating at Japanese restaurants while you're here. Even the stuff that's supposed to be high-quality isn't nearly as good as anything you can get over there." 

"Well then, I see someone finally developed some taste." 

Akai laughed a bit at that, then shook his head. "Well anyway, what is new with you? Have you at least had better luck with your relationships?" 

At that, Rei coughed awkwardly and looked away. "Ah, well...no, not exactly. I haven't made much of an effort, honestly. Although, now that you mention it, I did get some pretty disapproving looks from Tsuruyama-san during my last few days at Poirot for abandoning Azusa-san." 

"Huh? What for? Were you and Enomoto-san dating or something?" Akai asked, blinking. 

"No! No, we weren't. We were never interested in each other like that at all, but, well...a lot of the older ladies at the cafe wanted us to get together. Tsuruyama-san was probably the biggest supporter of our nonexistent relationship." 

"That must be annoying." 

"No, not really. They just want Azusa-san to be happy. But it wouldn't have worked out, and I'm not just saying that because Tooru Amuro technically doesn't exist. Maybe if Azusa-san was a man, then there would at least have been a slight chance, however small it might have been, but she's not, so that's the end of that." 

"I suppose that would tend to put a damper on any potential romance," Akai agreed, then glanced at his watch. "Say, it's getting late. Shouldn't we be heading out soon?" 

"Eager to be rid of me, Akai?" 

"Well, no, but the hotel closes its doors in less than an hour. If you don't get back in time, you're going to be locked out." 

However, Rei just smiled. "Let's not worry about that, yeah? Come on, get up already. I'll pay the bill, and then you and I are going for a walk." 

Not that Rei would ever admit it out loud, but although he had only been in America for three days, so far, it wasn't nearly as terrible as he had expected it to be. Of course, it didn't compare to Japan in the slightest, and he could name several things off the top of his head that left a lot to be desired. The people were too loud, the food was too greasy, and the subway station smelled utterly horrendous. But New York was filled with history, and he enjoyed visiting the various museums and historical monuments. 

More importantly, Akai was in New York, which was the entire reason he had taken this trip in the first place. 

Over the past three years, the sniper had been the only person on his mind. He was the first person Rei wanted to call whenever he had any sort of news or even when he just wanted someone to talk to, and on the rare occasion that he got a day off, he always found himself wishing that he could spend it with Akai. They weren't able to talk on the phone as much as he would have liked, but whenever they did, Rei's spirits were always lifted just by hearing Akai's voice. 

Besides that, Akai was the only person he could talk to about everything he had gone through since the fall of the Organization. He was the only person he could talk to about all the sleepless nights he had endured, kept awake by the echoes of old wounds, both physical and psychological alike. 

Even amongst his PSB colleagues, Rei was something of a hero. And truly, why wouldn't he be? He had played a major role in taking down possibly the biggest crime syndicate in the world (of course, all his skills wouldn't have been enough were it not for two teenagers-turned-children pulling the strings behind the scenes). An accomplishment of that magnitude gave him a reputation and most of the people in Rei's life treated him with either reverence or fear. 

Living three separate identities had made it nearly impossible to forge meaningful connections with anyone. When he returned to living solely as Rei Furuya, he had thought that would change. So far, however, that hadn't happened. Instead, in a way, Rei felt further away from the people in his life than he had ever felt before. 

To them, he was a powerful and fearsome triple agent. He was the living legend who possessed nearly every skill known to humanity in spades, and he was the one who could take on the bleakest odds and still come out on top. None of them saw the things he had endured or the sacrifices he had made to help Japan pull through one of its darkest hours. 

When they looked at him, they saw a hero. And to use the technical term, perhaps that was true. Yet somehow, Rei didn't think he could have felt less like a hero if he tried. Heroes were supposed to be unflappable; they were the ones who stood strong when the rest of the world had given in to despair. But the losses he had endured had left him shattered nearly beyond repair, and he barely recognized himself anymore. Unflappable was the last word he would have used to describe himself. 

As always, however, Akai was different. Rei could talk to him because he was the only person who truly understood him, and as such, he was the only one who still treated him like a normal human being. Akai never hero-worshipped him, but he didn't coddle him or act as though he was a ticking time bomb either. He was always there for Rei without overstepping any boundaries, perhaps knowing that was exactly what he needed. 

It hadn't taken long for him to realize that his feelings for Akai went beyond simple friendship. Unfortunately, it hadn't seemed as though a relationship was in the cards for them. Akai had gone back to America with the rest of the FBI, and even if Rei might have been tempted to follow him, his duty to Japan came first. Although the Organization's most dangerous members were all either dead or in prison, the damage they had inflicted over the past two and a half decades didn't disappear overnight. Even now, there were still several agents the PSB still needed to track down. Rei hadn't wanted to leave when his services were still needed. 

Then Akai had gotten back together with Jodie Starling, which had only reinforced Rei's belief that it was best to stay away from America. The last thing he wanted was to have to witness the person he loved being happy with someone else. Maybe it had been petty of him to think that way, and maybe a better person would have been content with seeing their loved one happy even if it was with someone else, but to Rei, it would have just been a reminder that he might have had a shot if he hadn't blown it by refusing to act on his feelings. 

Needless to say, when he heard that Akai and Starling had broken up, he had been thrilled. As soon as he had heard the news, he immediately bought a plane ticket to New York and arranged to take a short vacation, which was also petty and in extremely bad taste, but Rei had long since passed the point of caring whether anyone thought he was a good person. 

Now, however, as he sat down on a park bench beside Akai, gazing up at the starlit sky, he still couldn't bring himself to confess the feelings he had kept hidden for years. His heart was pounding out of his chest, and they were sitting so close that their shoulders were practically touching, yet the words just wouldn't come. 

"This is nice," Akai remarked suddenly. 

Rei glanced over at him, about to ask what he meant, then noticed he was shivering slightly. "Are you cold?" 

"A little. It's nothing to worry about, though. Summer is over, so I'm still adjusting to the change in weather." 

That might have been true, at least somewhat, but Rei had a feeling that wasn't the whole story. He had refrained from saying anything directly, but it hadn't escaped his attention that Akai's physical health had taken a hit since the last time he saw him. The FBI agent was thin, not that Akai had ever been particularly heavyset anyway, but this was thinner than Rei was used to seeing him. His clothes hung more loosely off his frame than they should have, and he had barely managed to finish half his burger at dinner. On top of that, the bags under his eyes were more pronounced than ever, and his skin was paler than he remembered. 

"Really, though, this is nice," Akai continued. "I've missed this. It's been a long time since I was able to just sit down at a park and talk to someone unless I was on surveillance." 

"Oh? Why is that?" Rei asked, hoping he sounded casual. "Busy, I'm guessing?" 

"Yeah. Well, sort of. That is part of it, but..."

"But?" 

"But, well...to be honest, there aren't a lot of people I'd be willing to do this with," Akai confessed. "And even if there were, I can't imagine there are a lot of people who would want to spend time around me these days. I haven't been the easiest person to be around lately." 

Rei just nodded, torn between feeling honored and worried. On one hand, it meant a ridiculous amount to him that Akai was willing to relax around him. But on the other hand, the thought of Akai suffering through the after-effects of the fight against the Organization without the support of his colleagues made him almost irrationally indignant on his behalf. They were supposed to be his friends, and yet from what he was hearing, it didn't sound as though they were even attempting to understand what Akai had been through and why he was the way he was. 

"I'm sorry," he told him, and he meant it. "You deserve better than that. They should at least try to understand you." 

Akai smiled a bit, though it was tinted with sadness that made Rei want to hunt down every single person who had caused it and hurt them. "I didn't mean to imply that they haven't. I know they're trying, but...well, they just don't get it, quite frankly. They can't get it. It's not their fault, honestly. They didn't...they didn't go through what you and I went through, and there's nothing that can be done about it. It's lonely sometimes, yeah, and it's driven a bit of a wedge between me and everyone else at the bureau, but...well, that's the way life goes sometimes." 

"I get that," Rei agreed; he had felt similarly when talking to his PSB comrades, but he prided himself on keeping his feelings hidden (unless he was around Akai, of course, not that he had ever been able to hold back around him). "Still, even if they can't relate to everything you've been through, that doesn't mean they can't put in a little more effort. So, as someone I know would say, the blame here is fifty-fifty." 

At that, Akai let out the first genuine laugh Rei had heard from him all night. The sound, as well as the way Akai's bright green eyes lit up with mingled happiness and amusement, sent his heart racing. Almost instinctively, Rei's eyes traveled down to Akai's lips, and it was all he could do not to lean in and kiss him. 

"You've been waiting for a chance to use that one, haven't you?" the FBI agent asked, smirking slightly. 

"Perhaps," Rei agreed, grinning back at him. "And it worked, didn't it?" 

"I can't argue with you there." 

He chuckled, then forced himself to look away because if he didn't, his feelings were going to come bubbling to the surface before he had a chance to stop them. Almost immediately, however, he wanted to punch himself in the face because the whole purpose of his trip to New York was to confess to Akai. 

Rei couldn't believe his own stupidity. Here he was, with the perfect opportunity to tell Akai everything he had been holding back for years, and he still couldn't do it. He could disarm a bomb in mere seconds, he could stare down the barrel of Gin's gun without flinching, and he could make just about anyone in the world believe anything he told them, and yet somehow, he couldn't tell Akai that he loved him. Once again, he was about to blow his chance with him, and this time, Rei didn't think there was any way he would ever get another one. 

"Are you alright, Furuya-kun?" Akai asked as Rei groaned, slumping forward and covering his face with his hands. "Is something wrong?" 

"Ah...yes, I'm fine," he assured him, straightening up quickly. "I, ah...I just have a bit of a headache, that's all. You know how it is. I haven't slept well lately, and, well...I guess it's taking a toll on me now." 

"You too, huh?" 

"Yeah. It's been an ongoing problem ever since our mission ended." 

"I can relate to that." 

"I've kind of gotten used to it, and usually I can power through it, but I guess it was bound to catch up to me at some point." 

"Well, in that case, maybe it would be best to get you back to your hotel. Speaking of-wait, damn it, fuck," Akai cursed, suddenly jumping to his feet. "We were supposed to be back at your hotel fifteen minutes ago!" 

"What?" Rei exclaimed. 

A quick glance at his watch confirmed that Akai was right. It was indeed fifteen minutes past eleven, meaning the hotel lobby had long since shut its doors. There was no chance he was getting back to his room tonight. 

"I'm sorry," Akai apologized, looking remorseful. "It's my fault. I should have been keeping track of time." 

"No, don't apologize. I'm the one who suggested we come out here in the first place." 

"Well...since you don't have a place to stay for the night now, would you like to spend it at my place, Furuya-kun?" 

Rei stared at him, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. "Really? Would that be alright with you?" 

"Why wouldn't it be?" 

"Well, we've never slept over at each other's homes before. And I don't usually make a point of doing so unless, er, well..." 

His face burned hot with embarrassment, which was only intensified when Akai stared at him with apparent incomprehension. 

"I don't see how that's a problem. There's a first time for everything, isn't there? Besides, I have plenty of space and it would be rude of me to leave you to try to find a place to stay on your own." 

"Well, I suppose I can't say no to that," Rei acquiesced. "Alright, let's head back to your place, then." 

And as they walked away from the park bench together, matching each other step for step, he couldn't suppress a small sense of excitement. This wasn't quite how he had envisioned the evening turning out, and he knew better than to expect that anything would happen between them tonight, but if he got to spend the rest of it with Akai in any fashion, he certainly wasn't about to complain.

Three hours later, once again, Akai found himself jerking awake in a cold sweat, the sound of a gunshot from his dream ringing in his ears. He lay in bed for a few minutes, trying to calm his racing heart, when he heard the sound of the floorboards creaking in the living room. Instantly, he bolted upright and reached for his gun, only to relax as he remembered exactly who was in his living room at that moment. 

When he entered the living room, he found Rei sitting at the small dining table. Judging by the haunted look in his eyes, Akai guessed that he, too, had just woken up from a nightmare. Nevertheless, he looked up as Akai approached, and the ghost of a smile crossed his face. 

"Hey," he said wearily. "Did I wake you?" 

"No," Akai answered honestly. "I, ah, haven't...had the easiest time sleeping tonight either." 

"You too, huh?" 

"Yeah." 

Akai hovered by the table for a few seconds, watching Rei silently. When it became clear that he wasn't going to say anything else, he went to the kitchen, pulling a bottle of bourbon and two glasses out of the cabinets. He poured the contents of the bottle into the glasses, then carried them back to the table, placing one in front of Rei while taking a seat next to him. 

"Sorry. I know you usually take it on the rocks, but my ice maker is broken," he apologized. 

"No, no, don't worry about it. This is fine," Rei said, taking a sip and immediately pulling a face. "Ugh." 

"Not to your taste?" 

"Not really. I've always preferred scotch over bourbon." 

Although they were talking about the actual drinks this time, Akai didn't miss the hitch in Rei's voice when he spoke his deceased best friend's name (personally, he had always suspected there was something more than friendship between Scotch and Bourbon, but he hadn't been particularly well-liked by the latter at the time, so he hadn't pried). He took a sip from his own glass, not entirely sure how to proceed with the conversation. Rei had long since forgiven him for Scotch's death, but somehow, he still wasn't sure whether it was his place to talk about him. 

Akai had always liked Scotch. They had worked well together, and even before he found out that he was a NOC, there was something about the man that made him believe he could be trusted enough to leave his little sister alone with him. Still, no matter how much he had liked the man, he knew their friendship would never come close to comparing to the relationship between Scotch and Rei. Through the scattered stories that Rei had shared about his childhood and the years before they met in the Organization, Akai had pieced together enough to know that he and Scotch had shared a long history together. He got the impression that Scotch had been there with Rei through everything: school, the police academy, and their infiltration of the Black Organization. A friendship like that was sacred, and in a weird way that he couldn't quite explain, Akai almost felt as though he would be disrespecting that friendship if he spoke too openly about Scotch. 

Right now, however, he sensed that he wouldn't be helping matters by ignoring the elephant in the room either. So, hesitantly, he asked, "Do you want to talk about it?" 

It wasn't a direct mention, but it was an invitation nonetheless. And Rei willingly took it. 

"He blamed me." 

Something in his chest clenched painfully at that, but he refrained from speaking and simply waited for Rei to continue. After swallowing visibly, he did. 

"He's the one I dream about the most. Usually, it's about the night he died, which...I mean, it still hurts, but I've kind of gotten used to that one by now, you know? But sometimes, I'll see him in a dream, and he won't come near me. He just looks at me like...like he hates me, and...and he tells me that it's my fault he's dead and that things would have been better off if we hadn't met because if I hadn't been around to ruin everything, he would still be alive." 

His words seemed to catch in his throat, and he squeezed his eyes shut, but not before Akai caught a glimpse of the tears threatening to fall. Rei tilted his face up toward the ceiling and breathed in and out slowly for a few moments, then sniffled and cleared his throat. 

"I know it's not real. And I know that if he was here, he'd tell me I was an idiot for thinking that he would ever blame me for his death. But it's just...it's just hard to...to..." 

Akai had no idea what to do when people around him were crying. It was why, when he heard Jodie crying when she left his apartment after he broke up with her, he hadn't been able to look at her. He didn't know what to say or how he was supposed to comfort them. Was he supposed to pat them on the back and tell them that everything would be alright? Was he supposed to hug them? Was he supposed to stand by and pretend to be busy until they calmed down? The correct response seemed to change every single time, and unfortunately, he had the emotional intelligence of a dead cockroach. Most of the time, Akai just ended up staring at his feet, feeling as though he was intruding on a private moment (which, in a way, he supposed he was). 

On the other hand, while he lacked emotional intelligence, he liked to think he more than made up for it in practicality. 

So, when Rei stopped sniffling a few minutes later, he didn't pull him in for a deep, bonding hug, nor did he pat him on the back and tell him that everything was going to be alright. Instead, he walked back into the kitchen, filled another empty glass with water, then went back to his seat and set it down in front of Rei, who was busy trying to wipe his face on his sleeve without being obvious (which, in a way, was only drawing more attention to it, but Akai didn't think he would be helping matters by pointing that out).  

"Thanks," Rei coughed, taking a small sip of water. 

"I would tell you that Scotch wouldn't want you to blame yourself, but based on what you told me earlier, it sounds like you already know that." 

"I know. And I know it's stupid to get this worked up about it. But it's just...it's just hard because I won't ever get to talk to him again, and those dreams are the only times I get to hear his voice anymore." 

"I understand," Akai murmured, having long since lost track of the number of times he had heard Akemi's voice blaming him for her death in his nightmares. 

"It's been harder too, since the mission ended and all that. I don't fully get it, but it's like...like..." 

"Like the mission was a distraction, and now that it's over, you don't know how to figure out how to deal with everything that comes next. And even though everyone else tries to help, nothing they say makes a difference because they can't ever understand, so all they do is tell you to take it one day at a time, or that all you need is a strong support system, or, God forbid, that you need to wake up every day and choose happiness." 

"Yeah." Rei nodded. "Yes, that's exactly it." 

"I guess everyone could be a therapist these days since it seems like it's all about throwing around the right buzzwords instead of actually doing anything to help." 

"Speaking of which, let's play a game. The worst thing you've ever been told by a therapist: go." 

"Honor her memory by living a full life. If my life gets any fuller, I will make it someone's problem. I don't know who that will be, but I will find someone and they're going to have a bad time." 

Rei cracked a small smile at that, which immediately lifted Akai's spirits. His lower lip was still trembling slightly, but it was a smile nonetheless, and Akai immediately knew he would do anything in his power to make sure it stayed. 

"Of course, these days, I would have to say the worst thing my therapist says to me is that I need to come back again next week." 

The conversation had to be paused for several minutes after that remark because Rei couldn't stop laughing. Akai just watched him, feeling equal parts bewildered and delighted. There was nothing particularly funny about anything he had said, but he would gladly take laughter over tears any day, so he was just going to sit there and enjoy the moment. 

Then, without warning, Rei reached over and hugged him tightly, burying his face into his chest. Startled, Akai nearly fell out of his chair before he managed to catch himself, then slowly reached up to return the embrace. 

"Thank you," he heard Rei whisper. 

"For what?" 

"For being the only person in the whole damn world who understands me." 

Akai rubbed Rei's back gently, feeling the other man's grip tighten in response. "Anytime." 

(They fit perfectly in each other's arms, which was probably something he shouldn't have been thinking considering he had only gotten out of a relationship three weeks ago, but he was too happy about getting to be so close to Rei to dwell too much on his guilt.) 

Eventually, Rei extracted himself from his arms, his cheeks slightly pinker than before. He averted his eyes to the floor as he rubbed the back of his neck, though Akai could see a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

"So, what about you, then?" the blond-haired man asked, looking back up at him. 

"What about me?" he inquired. 

"What's keeping you awake tonight? I mean, now that we're already on the subject and all." 

"Ah, that." Akai sighed and slumped backward in his chair as the memory of his dream was brought once more to the forefront of his mind. "The usual. Gin shooting someone I care about. You know how it is. Honestly, you'd think I would have gotten used to it by now, but clearly not." 

"Who was it?" 

"This time...it was Akemi." 

"This time?" Rei blinked. "Does that mean it's not the same person every time?" 

"No. At first, it was always either Akemi or my father. But then, well, I started dreaming about other people too. Shinichi. Akemi's sister. Jodie. Camel. James. My brother and sister. And, lately..." 

He hesitated, wondering if it was the right moment to admit that, lately, it was Rei who took the bullet whenever he witnessed Gin murdering one of his loved ones in his dreams. As much as the blond was a constant in the rare good dreams he had these days, he had also appeared many times over in ones that Akai would much rather forget. It was after waking from those particular nightmares that he found it the hardest to get back to sleep, never mind the fact that he knew Rei was safe and there was no way Gin, who was rotting in a shallow grave, could hurt him now. 

It was strange, really. He had watched so many people die that he almost felt it shouldn't have bothered him by now. More to the point, he knew Rei was safe. They were both safe now, free from the horrors of living in the shadow of the Organization, and yet somehow, the thought of losing him for good sent him on a mental spiral that even his stash of liquor couldn't always pull him out of. But at the same time, Akai didn't know if now was the right time to tell Rei that. He had enough on his plate as it was, it seemed. 

(In a selfish way that he would never admit out loud, he was almost glad that it was Akemi he had dreamed of tonight. At the risk of seeming heartless, he found it easier to get back to sleep when he dreamed of her or his father's deaths. They were already gone, after all; it wasn't as though he could lose them again.)

"Who?" Rei asked after the silence had dragged on for a little too long. 

Akai hesitated once more, nearly flinching when Rei placed his hand on top of his. 

"Akai?" he pressed, frowning. "Who is it?" 

"Lately, it's..." Akai sighed again. "Well...you." 

"Me?" 

"Yeah. Sorry. I know it's stupid. I mean, you're obviously not dead, and unless Gin could somehow come back to life, there's no way he's going to be killing anyone anytime soon. But, well...I don't know. I just...I keep dreaming about it, and I just..." 

"Hey." Rei squeezed his hand. "It's okay. I get it." 

"Really?" 

"Yes. To be honest...I've dreamed about you a lot too." 

"Ah." Akai didn't quite know what to say to that. "Well...I guess luckily for you, I...probably won't die anytime soon." 

Rei raised an eyebrow. "Probably?" 

"Look, I am still an FBI agent, so I can't guarantee that I won't die next week, but the odds of it happening are fairly slim." 

"I suppose that's fair. You'd better not even think about dying anytime soon, though." 

"Roger that." 

Their conversation sparked another idea in Akai's mind concerning his future. It was a question he should have asked himself before, but in his defense, he hadn't thought he would be around to ask it. Now that he was, however, he knew he couldn't avoid the topic any longer. 

"Hey, Furuya-kun?" 

"Yes?" 

Akai hesitated for a split second, then admitted, "I...I'm going to hand in my two-week notice." 

"What?" Rei's eyes flew open, and Akai prepared himself for a rant about what an idiot he was being, but the blond didn't sound angry, just shocked. "You're leaving the FBI? Really?" 

"Yes." The more he thought about it, the more certain he became that this was the right choice to make. "I'll wait until the end of the week, but on Friday, I'm going to hand in my resignation." 

"But...why? You're the only halfway competent agent the FBI has. And I thought you liked your job." 

"I do. I mean, I did. But...if I'm being honest, this isn't the way I envisioned my life going. I'm not like you, Furuya-kun; I didn't join the FBI because I felt a responsibility to serve my country or to protect other people. I joined because I wanted to find out what happened to my father and avenge his death. But working in law enforcement was never my dream job, and to be honest, if he hadn't gone missing in pursuit of Koji Haneda's murderers, I don't think I ever would have joined the force. And now that I've gotten what I came for, I...don't see much of a point in staying. I'm glad I did, and I don't regret fighting against the Organization, but..." 

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his temples, suddenly feeling decades older than he actually was. 

"These past several years haven't been easy. And even now that it's over, it's harder to move on than I thought. I mean, just look at this." 

He gestured to his half-empty glass of bourbon, as well as the bottle, which was down to its last few drops after being used to try to calm his nerves after several sleepless nights. 

"If I stay, is this what the rest of my life is going to be? Am I just going to spend every night drowning myself in whiskey because I can't sleep? And if something like that ever happens again and another massive-scale criminal organization appears somewhere...I just don't know if I have it in me to go through all that again." 

The irony of admitting all of this to Rei wasn't lost on him, and he was fully aware that he probably seemed weak for not wanting to fight anymore. To his surprise, however, Rei just smiled at him, his eyes softening in understanding. 

"I understand. I've felt the same way too, and I might put an end to my own career as well. I'm not sure when that will happen, and I haven't decided for sure if I will, but I think I've probably come close to reaching the end of the line." 

"Wait, you might think about resigning?" Now, it was Akai's turn to be stunned. "I always thought you would be doing this for the rest of your life. I mean, I don't think I've met anyone as dedicated to their country as you." 

"I thought so, too. And I love Japan, don't get me wrong. But there are other people who still do a perfectly fine job of protecting Japan, and besides, these past several years have taken a lot out of me. Out of us. This isn't the first night I've spent like this either, although granted, I was always alone before, but, well...I know if I stay, there are going to be even more nights like this. I don't think anyone could fault us for knowing when it's time to walk away." 

"I understand that. Forgive me for being surprised, however. You always said you would give your life for your country someday." 

"That is true, I did," Rei acknowledged. "However, I said that at a time when I didn't think I had anything besides Japan to live or die for. But now, I have another reason to want to stay. I have something...someone...who makes it feel like staying alive is worth it." 

There was a strange yet familiar emotion flickering in Rei's eyes as he looked at him, one that Akai knew he had seen before somewhere, but his mind was too fogged-up from the alcohol and lack of sleep to decipher what it was. Evidently noticing his exhaustion, Rei stood up, then held out a hand to help him up. Akai took it gratefully and pulled himself up, his entire body feeling inexplicably heavy. 

"We should probably try to get to sleep. It's almost five-thirty in the morning," Rei murmured. "Thanks for the bourbon...and for staying up to talk to me." 

"Furuya-kun, wait a moment," Akai said softly. "Would you like to sleep with me for the rest of the night?" 

Rei hesitated, which was more or less the response he had been expecting. Akai could see in his eyes that he was reluctant to be alone in case he suffered another nightmare, but at the same time, after all the emotional outpouring he had done, it was natural that he wanted to preserve what was left of his pride. 

So instead, he pressed onward with, "You would be doing me a favor. I could use some company. It's...not always the easiest thing, trying to get back to sleep after a dream like that." 

"Alright, then," Rei agreed with a small smile, and Akai breathed an internal sigh of relief, knowing that he had made the right move. "Lead the way, then." 

They walked back into his bedroom together. If Rei held his hand the entire way, well, he certainly wasn't going to mention it. 

And if Rei cuddled in close to him once they were in bed together, his face pressed slightly into his chest, Akai wasn't going to mention that either. 

When Rei woke up a few hours later, he found himself in an unfamiliar bed, wrapped in the embrace of a man whose arms felt like home. For a moment, he remained still, blissfully unaware of anything except the steady rise and fall of Akai's chest as he slept. In the end, it wasn't until Rei's sleep-addled brain remembered how to focus on something other than the sniper's breathing that he finally grasped the reality of the situation. 

He had just spent the night sleeping in Akai's bed. 

Of course, it was hardly the first time that Rei had woken up to find himself in bed with someone. And it wasn't as though anything had happened between them, at least not in that sense. But even if they had only slept together in the most innocent sense of the term, sharing a bed was still an incredibly intimate gesture. With the obvious exception of one-night-stand partners, people didn't let others sleep in their beds unless they cared about them. 

Surely that meant Akai felt something for him too. Rei refused to believe that he was misinterpreting the situation. He knew him like the back of his hand, and while it was true that Akai would probably have been willing to let any of his friends crash on his couch if they were in a tight spot, he couldn't imagine him letting them sleep in his bed. When they were in the Organization together, he had stubbornly refused to grant that privilege to anyone except Akemi, and Rei didn't think it had anything to do with maintaining his cover. After all, it wouldn't make sense for a career criminal to care about something like that. 

If there had been any doubt left in Rei's mind about whether traveling to America just to confess to Akai was a good idea, it was gone now. He had almost irrefutable evidence that the FBI agent liked him too; there was no way he could just let that go. One way or another, he needed to tell Akai how he felt about him. It was just a matter of figuring out the best time to say something. 

Beside him, Akai's eyes blinked open as he rolled over so that he was facing him. "Oh. Morning, Furuya-kun." 

"Good morning," Rei replied, trying not to focus too much on how cute Akai was without the knit cap hiding the tousled mess of hair on his head. "Sleep well?" 

"Actually, yes. That was the best sleep I've had in years. You?" 

"I slept very well, thank you. You have a surprisingly comfortable bed." 

That was a blatant lie. Akai's bed was, quite possibly, the cheapest, most uncomfortable thing he had ever slept on in his entire life. The mattress was too hard, the blankets were too thin, and the bed definitely wasn't built to hold someone of his height. It was honestly a miracle that Akai hadn't developed back issues from sleeping on it for the past three years. Still, Rei would have happily slept on a rock if it meant getting to cuddle up next to him. 

"It's alright, you don't have to lie. I know my bed is terrible." 

"Why don't you just buy a new one, then, if it's so uncomfortable?" 

"I don't mind. I can deal with a little discomfort for a few hours. Besides, most of the time, I'm the only one sleeping on it anyway." 

Unable to stop himself, Rei asked, "What about Starling? Didn't she ever stay over when you two were together?" 

At that, Akai coughed awkwardly and looked away. "Ah, well...to tell you the truth, she never slept over. I didn't want her to know about the nightmares, so I made sure she was always gone before I went to bed." 

If Rei had been a better person, he probably would have sympathized with Starling, but he wasn't, so all he felt was a twinge of gleeful satisfaction. Now, he knew for certain which one of them Akai liked better, or at the very least, he knew which one of them he trusted more, which essentially amounted to the same thing. A small voice in his head told him that he probably shouldn't have been celebrating Akai's inability to trust Starling completely, but Rei sent it a few choice words to silence it. 

Of course, he couldn't deny that he could see where Akai was coming from. Admitting to having nightmares was a lot like admitting to feeling weak, and he knew Akai would rather hug a cactus while wearing nothing but a pair of boxers than do something like that. It required a certain level of vulnerability, and if there was one thing the past several years had taught both of them, it was that being vulnerable was one of the best ways to earn a one-way ticket to a wooden box six feet underground. 

(The more Rei thought about it, the more he was starting to realize just how irreversibly screwed up they were.) 

"Really," he said, trying not to sound too pleased. "But you were alright with me finding out about them?" 

Akai glanced back over at him, his eyes softening. "You're different, Furuya-kun. You always have been." 

This time, Rei couldn't hold back his smile. He gazed into Akai's eyes for several moments, and all he could think about was how much he wanted to kiss him. They were only a few inches apart, and it would have been only too easy to pull him close and press his lips to his. 

"Ah." All too soon, however, Akai coughed and looked away once more, a hint of a flush creeping up on his face. "Well, er...as much as I would love to stay here all day, we should get up. Come on, there's a spare toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet that you can use, and after you're done, I can drive you back to your hotel so you can get out of those clothes." 

With that, he quickly ducked out of the room, leaving Rei staring after him with the same stupid grin on his face. 

Shuichi Akai drove him utterly insane in the best way possible. He was everything Rei had ever wanted, and, perhaps more importantly, he was everything he needed. The sniper was the only person left in the world he could lean on when the emotional consequences of the past several years became too much to bear. 

They were made for each other. There was no other way around it. Maybe he was being melodramatic, but Rei didn't think he would ever find someone like Akai anywhere else in the world. He was the only person left alive who had seen every facet of him; he had seen the best and worst parts of him, and he was one of only maybe two or three people who not only accepted but genuinely liked him for who he was. 

With a plan forming in his mind, Rei grabbed his phone before following Akai into the bathroom so he could brush his teeth. He had an idea of what he was going to say, but first, there was one more call he needed to make.

Akai was just trying to brew a pot of coffee when he turned around to find himself being boxed into a corner by Rei. He raised an eyebrow and was about to ask what he was planning when Rei suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. 

"Ah...Furuya-kun?" he asked in bewilderment. "What do you need my phone for?" 

"Here," Rei said, handing his phone back to him without providing any explanation. "This is for you." 

Puzzled, Akai took his phone back, looking down to see what Rei had sent him. His confusion only grew when he saw that it was a plane ticket to Japan. He tapped on the screen, wondering if he had accidentally opened a spam email of some sort. When that didn't yield any results, he looked back up at Rei, who was leaning against the counter now, still effectively blocking Akai from moving away from the coffee maker. 

"What is this?" he asked finally. 

"A plane ticket to Japan," the blond man replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

"I can see that, but why are you giving it to me?" 

"Isn't it obvious, FBI? I'm giving it to you because you're going to come back to Japan with me." 

It was obvious that the plane ticket was supposed to convey a message of some sort. There was a small glimmer in Rei's eyes as he looked at him, one that Akai had never seen before, at least not directed at him. Try as he might, however, he couldn't figure out what he was trying to tell him. Maybe it was too early in the morning, maybe the years of sleep deprivation were making him stupid, or maybe he was reading too far into things and the plane ticket was just that: a plane ticket. 

He also couldn't help noticing that Rei was standing much closer to him than was entirely necessary, not that he minded too much. At the same time, however, it was making him feel rather flushed, but Akai chalked that up to the fact that he lived in a seven-hundred-square-foot apartment with poor ventilation. Their body heat must have been making the room feel warmer than usual. It would also explain why his heart was beating rapidly against his chest, seeing as an increase in body temperature led to an increase in heart rate. 

(The butterflies in his stomach were a little harder to explain, but he assumed that was a side effect of not having eaten breakfast yet.) 

"Ah. Er, but...who, what, where, how, I mean, why...why are you...?" Akai stammered, cringing internally. Well done, you spectacular failure of a human being. What are you now, a caveman? 

Rei rolled his eyes. "Since you apparently need everything spelled out for you, let me phrase it a different way." 

Then, before Akai could fully grasp what was happening, there was a pair of lips pressed against his own. He faltered in surprise for a split second, then slipped his arms around Rei's waist, pulling him closer as he returned the kiss with equal passion. One of Rei's hands was gripping the back of his neck while the other was tugging at his shirt, and Akai could practically feel how long he had been waiting for this moment. 

When they finally broke apart, Rei immediately pressed himself against him, his head on his shoulder and his face tucked slightly into his neck. Akai tightened his hold on him in response, reaching up with one hand to stroke his hair. He could feel Rei's heart beating steadily, and all he could think about was how perfectly they fit in each other's arms. 

"If you still wanted to know why I came to America, well, now you know," Rei murmured. "And by the way, you're still an asshole. Do you know how long I've been waiting to do that?" 

"Do you actually want me to guess, or...?" 

"Three years. Three years and four months, to be exact. Honestly, I don't know why I even like you. What kind of inconsiderate bastard makes someone wait three years to ask them out? Asshole." 

Despite the vitriol in Rei's words, Akai couldn't help smiling. "Well, you could have said something before, really. It's not as if long-distance relationships haven't happened in the past." 

"You're still an asshole. And for your information, I'm not doing a long-distance relationship with you because you're coming back to Japan with me, and this time, you aren't going to leave." 

"You seem very convinced of that idea, Furuya-kun." 

"Are you going to tell me I'm wrong?" Rei retorted. 

The faint, almost nonexistent sliver of Akai's heart that still possessed some amount of goodness was telling him that getting together with Rei was a terrible thing to do. After ripping Jodie's heart out yet again, the least he could do was be a little more sensitive and hold off on starting a new relationship with anyone else just yet. Even if he wasn't in love with her anymore, he still wanted them to be able to get along, and if she found out that he was dating Rei not even a month after breaking up with her...well, that wouldn't exactly be conducive to his goal. 

Except...

Akai had been alone for years now. In a way, he had come to accept that it was just the way his life was destined to be. He was the type of person who, although he made a few friends here and there, would never be able to form anything that lasted. Of course, there were times he longed for true companionship, but for the most part, he was fine with the way things were. 

Now, however, there was someone who wanted him by his side, and Akai would have been lying if he said he didn't want the same. More importantly, for the first time, there was a chance he could keep him. He had a chance at real happiness again, and even though he didn't believe in premonitions, somehow, Akai knew he would be making the biggest mistake of his life if he let this opportunity slip away from him. 

Besides, after the encounter they had just had, it was probably too late to pretend that he didn't want to be with Rei. 

Rei seemed to read all of this in his expression, for he smiled rather smugly as he reached up to tilt Akai's face toward his own. 

"That's what I thought."