Work Text:
Thursday, March 12 20XX at 17:45
Happy birthday, Shu! I know you've been busy, but I thought it would be nice to celebrate your birthday, so I cooked dinner for you. I made top sirloin steak, medium-rare, (just how you like it) with mashed potatoes, asparagus, and salad. And don't worry, I know better than to try baking a cake again, so I bought your favorite Japanese dessert from the bakery a few miles from our hotel.
March 12 at 19:32
Are you coming? The food is getting cold.
March 12 at 20:43
Hello?
March 12 at 21:55
I guess you must be too busy tonight. It's okay, maybe we can do this tomorrow instead?
March 12 at 22:47
Jodie-I'm sorry, I've been busy today and I had my phone off all day. I want you to know that I appreciate the effort, though.
Although Jodie Starling wasn't nearly as skilled when it came to making analyses and noticing minute details as Shuichi Akai, she was far from incapable. Maybe she didn't pick up on things quite as quickly as he did (then again, almost nobody did), but she was usually able to put together the bigger picture on her own. She wouldn't have made it this far into her career as an FBI agent if she needed someone to hold her hand the entire way, after all.
So when she happened to spot Shu walking out of his apartment with Rei Furuya at half-past seven as she drove by on her way to the office, it wasn't hard to figure out what was going on. Even if she could have dismissed that, however, the way they were practically pressed up against each other as they turned and headed down the sidewalk together left little to the imagination. And although she should have known better, Jodie pulled over and parked her car against the curb, pretending to be adjusting her side mirrors as she observed the retreating figures of her ex and his new lover.
An ache formed in her chest, and she quickly turned her car around and drove back the way she came, silently scolding herself for her moment of weakness. What had she been thinking? She knew nothing good could come of watching her ex-boyfriend.
Part of Jodie thought that she should have seen this coming. She had ample experience with Shu taking her heart and stomping all over it, and she should have known better than to think that this experience would end any differently. At a certain point, it was simply foolish to ignore the patterns in someone's actions. But Shu had sounded so sincere in his promise to be the boyfriend she deserved this time around, and she had been hopelessly in love, so against her better judgment, she had convinced herself that they were meant to be. In the end, however, it had been too good to be true, and their second chance ended the same way their first one did: with Shu abandoning her, leaving her feeling as though she was being torn apart inside and wondering how things had gone so wrong yet again.
Still, she told herself firmly, she wasn't bothered by this unexpected revelation. It wasn't the first time she had watched Shu walk away from her and fall in love with someone else. If she could survive it once, she could survive it again. She was a grown woman, and there were plenty of more productive ways to spend her time than moping about the fact that the man she used to think was her future had moved on and fallen for someone else. True, Jodie couldn't deny that she wished it wasn't Furuya (she still found it hard to forgive him for spending years trying to kill Shu, and his superior attitude when they had been working together to take down the Organization didn't score him any points either), but if he made Shu happy, then who was she to judge?
The ache in her chest grew even more pronounced as she pulled into the parking garage across the street from the bureau. Steeling herself, Jodie grabbed her bag and strode toward the office, trying her best to put on an air of confidence and aloofness.
Eight hours, Jodie reminded herself. All you have to do is get through the next eight hours.
Her fellow colleagues, Andre Camel, and Isabel Ryan, were talking over a cup of coffee in the break room when she entered. They smiled and called out to her in greeting, and Jodie nodded in response, feeling more than a little awkward as she went to join their conversation. Isabel had been one of her dearest friends ever since they were recruited together out of Quantico, and after years of working side by side together in Japan, she had grown closer to Camel as well. They were the ones Jodie had called bawling after the breakup, completely shattered over being dumped yet again, and they were the ones who had carried her home after she drank herself into oblivion in an attempt to drown her sorrows. Out of what she assumed was respect for her dignity, they hadn't mentioned the events of that night, but she still needed to find a way to thank them for being there for her.
"Here, I got you a cup of coffee," Camel said, handing her a steaming mug. "Two packets of sugar and a dash of skim milk, just the way you like it."
"Ah...thanks, Camel."
"What happened to you?" Isabel asked, looking at her with a mixture of curiosity and worry before her expression cleared. "Let me guess, that ex-boyfriend of yours has moved on to someone else."
Jodie blinked, a little surprised that her friend had managed to see through her so quickly. "How did you know?"
"You've got that look on your face."
"What look is that, might I ask?"
"You know, the 'I accidentally bumped into my ex and saw him making out with another girl,' look."
"Oh. Right. That look," Jodie muttered, deciding not to tell Isabel that Shu's new girl was actually a guy. "Well, I can safely say they weren't making out, and I didn't exactly bump into him. I was just driving by his apartment and happened to see them walking out together."
"Ouch. Brutal."
"Are you okay?" Camel asked, a note of genuine concern in his voice.
"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" she asked, smiling as brightly as she could manage with her heart still twisting painfully in her chest.
"Well, it can't have been easy finding out that Akai-san is already dating someone else. It's only been a few weeks since...well, you know."
"It's fine, Camel, I can handle myself. If Shu wants to move on, then I can't do anything to stop him. I'm not going to mope around just because my ex-boyfriend found someone new."
She forced as much self-assuredness and cheer into her voice as possible, hoping that her friends were buying her act. In reality, she felt like she was dying inside all over again, but she knew she couldn't dwell on that. Jodie had known, after all, that the chances of Shu finding someone else after breaking up with her were almost certain. He had caught the eye of multiple women and men at the office, even if he rarely gave any of them the time of day. Seeing as the inevitable had happened, she couldn't do anything but accept it and move on with her life.
"Where is Shu, anyway?" Jodie asked, hoping she sounded casual. "I know he's not the most punctual, but he's usually here by now."
At that, Isabel and Camel exchanged an uncomfortable glance. "Oh...you didn't hear?"
"Hear what?"
"Akai-san resigned from the FBI. Apparently, he called James last night and told him that he wanted to terminate his employment, effective immediately."
"What?" Jodie exclaimed, staring at her colleagues in disbelief. "Why?"
"According to James, Mr. Grumpy Face decided to move back to Japan so he could be with his family, or at least that was the excuse he gave. He was going to finish his final two weeks, but something came up that made him want to leave sooner," Isabel answered with a shrug. "Seems a little weird, if you ask me; I never got the impression that he was too attached to his family, but I guess people can change."
But Jodie barely heard a word Isabel was saying. Her heart was pounding, blood roaring in her ears as she tried to steady herself. The floor felt as though it was about to fall away beneath her feet, and it was all she could do to stay upright. Unlike Isobel, she knew exactly why Shu wanted to go back to Japan, and the revelation made her feel ill.
How was this possible? It was one thing for Shu to start dating Furuya, but moving to Japan with him was another matter entirely. People only moved to different countries to be with their lovers if they were certain they were the one. Did he truly love Furuya enough to abandon everything he had in America for him?
Was there ever a time when he would have done the same for her? Somehow, Jodie didn't think she wanted to know the answer to that question.
Not that it mattered to her, of course. She didn't care if Shu loved Furuya more than he had ever loved her. If she did, it would just make it seem as if she was still hung up on him, which she wasn't. Not at all. She was one hundred percent over him.
"I see," she said, at last, forcing her voice to sound calm. "Well, it will be...unfortunate to lose him, but if that's what he wants, I suppose all we can do is wish him the best."
"Jodie..."
"Well, I should really be going; there's something I need to talk to James about," Jodie lied. "Camel, make sure Isabel doesn't drink any more coffee; you know what she's like when she's had too much caffeine."
Isabel and Camel looked like they wanted to say something, but before they could, she turned around and walked out of the break room, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. Her stomach had twisted itself into a knot, her face felt hot, and she thought she would throw up if she so much as opened her mouth, but she made it to her desk without falling apart and even managed to put a smile on her face when she noticed her other coworkers whispering amongst themselves and staring at her, only to look away abruptly when they made eye contact.
Smile. Don't let them think this hurts you. Don't think about him. You don't care about him anymore. Be strong. You can do it. Just get through the next few hours.
Jodie repeated her mantra to herself over and over, willing herself not to snap at her fellow agents. She knew they were only worried about her, but she didn't need their concern or pity. While Shu's departure was disappointing, especially since he hadn't even thought to tell her about his intentions, she wasn't some sort of brokenhearted, lovesick teenage girl. It was of no concern to her if he wanted to abandon her so he could move to Japan with the supposed great love of his life.
Besides, who knew whether Shu and Furuya's relationship would last anyway? Maybe what they had wasn't as real as they were making it seem. Maybe Shu was still hung up on her and was just using Furuya as a rebound. After all, it hadn't even been a month since he had broken up with her. His relationship with Furuya was probably born out of lingering guilt over ending things with her the way he had.
(She stubbornly ignored the voice in her head whispering that he had stopped showing any genuine affection or interest in her months before that last fight.)
She turned on her computer and started typing away at a report, forcing herself to resist the urge to glance up at Shu's empty chair. As long as she didn't look at anything that reminded her of him, it would only be a matter of time before she stopped thinking about him entirely. Every so often, however, her eyes would inevitably wander in that direction, and each time, she had to suppress a sharp pang in her chest.
You can do this. Be strong. You've only got a few more hours to go.
And she told herself, over and over, that she did not care if Shu was in love with Furuya.
(Unfortunately, she could repeat a lie a million times over and it would never make it true.)
Later that evening, Jodie was on her way to the grocery store to pick up a few ingredients for dinner when she happened to spot a familiar red Mustang turning left at the stoplight just ahead of her. Against her better judgment, she pulled into the left-turn lane and followed Shu's car, making sure that there were always a few cars between them in case he happened to look in his rearview mirror and see her. Unfortunately, that didn't stop her from seeing a certain blond-haired man in the passenger seat of her ex-boyfriend's car. Judging by the position of their shoulders, they were holding hands, and it was all she could do to swallow the bile rising in her throat.
She followed them for another twenty minutes until they reached a different grocery store a few minutes from Shu's apartment. Ignoring the small voice telling her that she should turn around and go home, she pulled into a parking spot a few rows away, her heart sinking as she watched Shu and Furuya walking toward the store entrance, standing much closer to each other than was entirely necessary. Even from her vantage point, she could see the way they practically glowed in each other's presence, and it only served to make the heaviness in her chest feel even more crushing.
Once, she had been where Furuya stood now, and she couldn't begin to fathom how things had gone so wrong.
She had done everything right. Hadn't she? For years, she had stood by his side, never once wavering in her support despite the emotional trials and tribulations that came with being involved with Shuichi Akai. Even when he dumped her for Akemi, she hadn't let her disappointment and hurt stop her from being a good field partner to him. They had worked together for years, side by side, building a genuine bond of trust. Furuya, on the other hand, had spent years going out of his way to antagonize Shu, attacking him whenever he saw the opportunity and even trying to kill him on multiple occasions.
And yet somehow, it was Furuya, not Jodie, who got to bask in the warmth of knowing he was loved by the man whose heart she had once thought would always belong to her.
The logical part of her mind was telling her to turn her car back on and drive away. It urged her to leave and not look back because nothing good could come of following her ex and his new lover around on their grocery store run. Still, she continued to trail after them as if being pulled forward by an unknown force. She kept them in sight at all times, and her heart broke a little more with each passing second, yet somehow, she couldn't bring herself to look away.
Why, why, could Shu not love her back? Why was Furuya the one that had captured his attention and, even worse, his heart? Didn't he know that she would have given anything in the world to make him happy?
"What are you doing here, FBI girl?"
Furuya's harsh, haughty voice assaulted her eardrums like nails on a chalkboard. Gritting her teeth, Jodie forced a smile onto her face as she turned around, pretending to examine a nearby selection of Cosmic Crisp apples.
"Oh, Furuya-san, it's good to see you. I didn't know you were in town," she chirped. "As you can see, I'm just here to do a little bit of grocery shopping. You know how it is, I need to keep my fridge stocked somehow."
"Would you care to explain why you've been following me and Akai around?" he asked coldly.
"What?" Jodie laughed semi-hysterically, her cheeks burning hot with the knowledge that she had been doing exactly that. "I don't know what you're talking about. You must be insane. I haven't been following you around at all. This is just a big coincidence, really."
"Akai saw your car when we were leaving his apartment this morning. And I was with him when he dropped off a few things that you left at his place, so I know for a fact that your apartment is at least half an hour away from this store. There's no reason you would need to drive that far out of your way just to pick up groceries."
"Where is Shu, anyway?"
"He went to use the restroom and don't change the subject. So tell me, Starling, why are you following us? Do you think that if Akai sees you, he's going to realize he made a mistake and come running back to you? Because if that's the case, then let me tell you right now, it's not going to happen. Akai isn't interested in pathetic, lovesick ex-girlfriends who don't know when to quit."
Resentment and anger bubbled up inside her, and she clenched her fists. It was easy enough for Furuya to scorn her behavior; he wasn't the one who had to watch the person he thought was his future move on with someone else not even a month after their breakup. He had the man she wanted, a man that he didn't even deserve, and yet he still felt the need to rub the fact that Shu had chosen him in her face.
"For your information, Furuya-san, I'm not here because of you or Shu," Jodie said through her teeth. "But even if I was, I don't believe you have a right to talk. After all, you're the one who made a move on my ex three weeks after we broke up."
"Is that a problem?"
"Not at all. I'm just saying that perhaps you shouldn't be so high-and-mighty because if you know anything about Shu, then you'll know that he has always been in love with Akemi Miyano. He left me for her, and if she were still alive, he would still be with her right now. So you can gloat all you want, but just know that no matter what, you will always be his second choice."
It was a horrible, spiteful thing to say, and deep down, she knew it was wrong. She had seen for herself just how much Shu and Furuya adored each other. But her heart had once again been ripped out of her chest and stomped into a million tiny fragments, and all she wanted to do was make Furuya feel even the smallest fraction of the hurt he and Shu had inflicted on her.
"Maybe so," Furuya replied, at last, his voice cool. "However, at least I will be his choice, which is more than I can say for you."
She smiled, feeling an ugly sense of superiority. "For your information, he dated me for six months before he started seeing you."
"And he hated every minute of it."
The words hit her like a battering ram to the chest, crushing the momentary sense of satisfaction she had felt. She opened her mouth to speak, trying to find the right words to refute Furuya's claim, but there appeared to be something lodged in her throat. Her eyes began to burn, and she clamped down on her bottom lip in an effort to keep it from trembling.
"You're wrong," she argued once she had regained control of herself, her voice sounding hollow even to her own ears. "You're just saying that because you're jealous and insecure."
"Jealous and insecure? Please, tell me, what do I have to be jealous and insecure about? You? The woman who barely lasted six months with Akai?" Furuya asked, raising an eyebrow. "And for your information, these aren't my observations. I'm simply repeating exactly what he told me."
"W-what?"
"Yes, you heard me. We went out for dinner a couple of nights ago, and I asked him why you two had broken up. And do you know what he told me? He told me that he had never wanted to get back together with you and that he had known it was a mistake all along, but he had done it anyway because he felt sorry for you. And he told me that he was miserable the entire time he was with you. Maybe you're right that Akai wouldn't have chosen me if Miyano-san was still alive, but he clearly wouldn't choose you no matter what."
Jodie's face burned even hotter as she clenched her teeth, willing her tears not to fall. The last thing she wanted to do was give Furuya the satisfaction of seeing her cry in public. Nevertheless, a cruel smirk spread across his face, the light of victory dancing in his eyes.
"So tell me, Starling, how does it feel? How does it feel knowing that you weren't even good enough to be Akai's second choice?"
This time, Jodie couldn't stop a few tears from sliding down her face. She blinked rapidly, trying to force the rest of them back so that she wouldn't end up with smudged mascara.
"You know what, Furuya-san? Congratulations. You win. Are you happy now? Is that what you want me to say?" she asked after a few moments of struggling in vain to compose herself. "Shu wants you. Not me. God knows why because you sure as hell don't deserve him. I did everything right; I was there at his side through everything and supported him no matter what. You spent years trying to ruin his life, and yet he still chose you over me. But, well, I suppose the heart wants what it wants, doesn't it? So congratulations, you get to be with the man I've loved since long before you even met him. I hope you two will be very happy together."
"Jodie? What are you doing here?"
Cursing whatever gods had decided to make a mockery of her life today, she turned around to face Shu, who was holding a small paper bag filled with what she assumed was some type of produce. As soon as he caught sight of her watery, red-rimmed eyes, his gaze softened in concern. Jodie stared down at her feet, torn between feeling grateful for Shu's concern and miserable that he would never be able to give her what she truly wanted.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing. Nothing, I'm fine," Jodie answered, trying to sound as chipper as possible. She forced a smile onto her face again. "I was just catching up with Furuya-san here, that's all."
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm not. My allergies are just acting up a little today," she lied. It was nowhere near allergy season.
"Oh. Well, if you say so." Clearly skeptical but not wanting to push the issue, Shu turned his attention to Furuya. "Anyway, I was thinking maybe we could do salmon for dinner tonight. The seafood department is having a sale..."
And just like that, it was like she had ceased to exist. Jodie felt hollow inside as she watched Shu and Furuya walk away, not even bothering to say goodbye to her. For a few agonizing moments, she remained rooted to the spot, hoping against hope that Shu would look back at her one last time.
He never did.
He continued to walk away from her with Furuya at his side, leaving no doubt as to what the chances (or lack thereof) were that he would ever consider getting back together with her.
Still, Jodie kept her head high as she turned on her heel and left the store, heading back toward her car. As soon as she was safely inside, however, her tears spilled forth all at once, leaving her sobbing unrestrainedly as her humiliation and anger consumed her. Furuya's words replayed in her mind over and over, cutting her skin deeper and deeper with each passing second.
He hated every minute of it.
He never wanted to get back together with you.
He only agreed to do it because he felt sorry for you.
You weren't even good enough to be Akai's second choice.
Defiance welled up inside her, and she scrubbed away the last of her tears furiously. If Furuya thought she was going to mope around about the fact that Shu had fallen in love with him, he was sorely mistaken. She would prove to the world that she was not going to spend the rest of her life pining over Shuichi Akai. After all, anyone who could fall in love with someone as awful as Rei Furuya couldn't be worth her time anyway.
And after the encounter that she had just had, she knew exactly what she needed.
She drove through the night streets of New York City, her blood boiling and her face flushed, until she reached Isabel's house. Pulling into the driveway, Jodie took a brief moment to reapply her mascara before marching up to the front door and ringing the doorbell. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time to completely hide the fact that she had been crying, but at least she didn't look like a raccoon anymore.
Isabel's hair was wrapped in a towel when she answered, dripping slightly onto the loose-fitting T-shirt she had adorned. Her expression briefly registered surprise, then concern as she took in the sight of Jodie standing on her front porch, looking like an absolute mess.
"Jodie?" she asked gently. "Is everything okay?"
"I need you to help me set up an online dating profile," Jodie told her flatly.
Isabel blinked, staring at her with utter incomprehension on her face, and Jodie realized that she was going to have to recount her confrontation with Furuya at the grocery store.
Today was definitely not her day.
"...and you should have seen how smug he was, rubbing it in my face that Shu chose him over me. Honestly, I don't know what Shu sees in that guy. Yeah, okay, he's pretty handsome and he's good at his job, but he has the worst personality of anyone I've ever met! Well, except maybe Vermouth, but he could give her a run for her money. And Furuya-san was always so awful to Shu. I was the one who stood by Shu and supported him unconditionally. But what do I get for my efforts? Nothing! I waited for years for him to come back to me, and he went and fell in love with a guy who tried to kill him multiple times!"
Jodie stopped pacing, taking a deep breath as she tried to collect herself. The injustice of her situation rankled her, leaving her with a bitter taste in her mouth. She knew it wasn't right of her to feel this way; she knew Shu wasn't obligated to return her feelings, but still, it was hard not to feel a little slighted.
"Anyway, that's why I need you to help me set up a dating profile," she finished, turning to face Isabel again. "I think it's time that I moved on. If Shu wants to date Furuya-san, that's perfectly fine and I wish him all the best even if I'll never understand how he could possibly love him. But if he's going to have someone new, then I need to start looking too."
Throughout her tirade, Isabel remained seated on her couch, allowing Jodie to pour out her frustrations without interruption. As soon as it became clear that she was finished, she spoke up, her voice stern but kind.
"Look, Jodie. Furuya was an absolute asshole for saying those things to you. I'm not going to deny that," Isabel began. "But you have to admit, he does have a point. It was weird of you to follow them around; I know he doesn't know for sure that's what you were doing, but you admitted to me yourself that it was. I know that's not what you want to hear, but friends are supposed to be honest with each other. And as your friend, I need to let you know that you need to stop clinging to Akai."
"I am not clinging to Shu."
"Yes, you are. You're following him around just so you can get a glimpse of him, and you're clinging onto any semblance of hope that his new relationship is going to fail. I know Akai and Furuya have a...colorful history, and I can't speak for their relationship now since I haven't seen them together in years, but have you at least considered the possibility that they've reconciled and are genuinely happy together? Trust me, Jodie, I've been around the block a few times when it comes to stuff like this. I know exactly what it looks like when a woman can't let go of her ex."
"Well, then that's exactly why I need you to help me make an online dating profile," Jodie repeated, frustration welling up inside her as she flopped down on the couch beside her friend.
Deep down, she knew that Isabel was right. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't seem to move on from Shu. Truthfully, she didn't think she had ever gotten over the first time he broke up with her either. Back then, it had simply been easier to convince herself that Shu's decision to leave her for Akemi was more out of convenience than genuinely loving her more and that he would come back to her once his mission was over. Even after Akemi died and Shu spent months grieving her, Jodie had stayed by his side, offering consolation in any way she could while clinging to the hope that, one day, he would finally find it in himself to return her feelings.
Now, however, her hopes were all but shattered, leaving her feeling as if she was lost in a vast and endless ocean.
"Jodie, you know I can't help you make a profile for that reason."
"And why not?"
"Because getting laid when you're still in love with someone else is pretty much the dating equivalent of slapping a band-aid on a broken bone."
"Isabel!"
"I'm just saying. Look, and this is me speaking from experience again, jumping back into the dating pool when you're still hung up on your ex is never a good idea," Isabel told her firmly. "It won't help you move on, and you'll only end up hurting yourself and someone else in the process. And honestly, don't let Furuya get to you. Just because he's giving you a hard time doesn't mean you need to prove anything to him."
Jodie spluttered. "I do not think I need to prove anything to him!"
Isabel rolled her eyes. "Jodie, come on. Let's get serious here. I offered to set you up on a blind date two days ago, and you told me, and I quote, 'I want to take some more time to work on myself before I start dating again,'. And now, you're suddenly ready to jump right back into the shark tank, coincidentally, right after Furuya accused you of stalking your ex-boyfriend and told you that he never wanted to be with you? You can't fool me, you know."
"I...that's not..."
"So what is it, then? Is it the agony of knowing that the heart of the person you desire the most will never belong to you, is it jealousy over the fact that his new partner is everything you're not and has everything you'll never have, or are you just lonely and craving the presence of a man in your bed? I know it hurts that Akai's already found someone new, and believe me, I have half a mind to kick down his front door and knock him around a bit for doing this to you, but you shouldn't let that affect the way you process things. Everyone moves on at different rates, and just because he's ready to start dating again doesn't mean you need to be."
Jodie just sighed, biting her lip as she stared down at her feet. As much as she appreciated Isabel's attempt at consoling her, she couldn't quite let go of the lingering feeling that Furuya was right in his assessment of her. She had never even entertained the possibility of a future with anyone besides Shu, and now that she had lost her chance for good, she didn't know what to do anymore.
Most people would probably think it was ridiculous that she, a woman in her thirties, was clinging to one man. Truthfully, they would be right. There were plenty of better things to worry about than the fact that her ex-boyfriend wasn't in love with her anymore. And it wasn't like she was unpopular either; if she really wanted to, she knew she could easily find someone else.
But Shu was different. He always had been. All he had ever done was inspire her and make her want to be the best agent she could possibly be. Besides that, before they ended up tangled in the Black Organization's web, there had been a real connection between them, and Jodie couldn't forget about that so easily. Perhaps saying so made her sound like a lovesick teenage girl, but she had genuinely believed that he was the one.
"I know," she said finally. "But it's just been so hard, especially now that I know what I do."
When Shu had agreed to get back together with her, for a brief, bright moment, it had seemed as though her patience was finally being rewarded and they could work toward creating a future together. Just as it had the first time around, however, the dream burst, and she was left to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart once more. That alone had been unbearable, but now she had to live with the knowledge that he hadn't even wanted to be with her.
"I don't know what happened. I really thought things would work out this time," Jodie sighed.
"I know. And believe me, you have every right to feel sad, or angry, or betrayed, or whatever it is that you need to feel. But look at it this way. If Furuya was telling the truth and Beanie Boy really wasn't happy with you, then don't you think you should show yourself a little more respect and stop worrying about a guy like that?"
"I just wish he would have told me what I did wrong, that's all."
Isabel sighed. "What difference would it make? Even if he told you, do you really think it would make you feel any better?"
"Well, if he's going to drop me and run off to Japan with Furuya-san, then he could at least tell me why he stopped loving me," Jodie protested. "I thought I was doing everything right. I did everything I could to make him happy, and it turns out that he was miserable the whole time. I just don't get it."
"Jodie...I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but if you ask, all you'll be doing is wasting your time."
"Why?"
"Because you don't know if you did anything wrong at all. Because if you did, then you'll feel guilty, and if you didn't, then you'll only feel worse, and you'll end up spiraling just like you are right now. And because regardless of whether you did anything wrong or not, in the end, it's not going to change anything. He's not going to come back to you. Whatever there might have been between the two of you, it's gone now and it's not coming back. And I'm not saying that because I think Furuya is the great love of his life or something, I'm saying it because you and Akai have tried to make things work twice now, and both times, it went up in flames. And I'm not saying it was your fault or his fault. I'm not saying it was anyone's fault. Sometimes, it's just not meant to be."
"Then what should I do?" Jodie asked quietly.
She wanted to move on, but after nearly a decade of silently longing for her feelings to be returned, she had no idea where to begin. Deleting their photos from her social media profiles had been a good first step, she supposed, but in the grand scheme of things, it hadn't eased the lingering ache in her chest at all. When it came to other things, however, she couldn't bring herself to let go. There was still a jacket hanging in her closet from the last night Shu had spent at her place, just a few days before he was sent to Japan. Their photos had been deleted from her social media, but she still kept her favorites stored in her camera roll. She couldn't even bring herself to delete his contact information, and she often found herself scrolling through old messages, trying to pinpoint where everything had gone wrong.
Despite her best efforts, the man who had once looked at her like she was everything he had ever wanted only had eyes for Furuya now, and part of Jodie wondered if she had imagined Shu's affection for her. Maybe she had only seen what she wanted to see. Maybe he had never truly loved her. Maybe that was why it had been so easy for him to walk away. She desperately wished that she could believe their relationship had meant something to Shu once, and that Furuya's words were born of spite, but if they were true, then suddenly, a lot of other things made sense.
But he had still felt something for her the second time around. Hadn't he? Didn't the fact that he had agreed to get back together with her prove that he had loved her too?
No, Jodie realized, her heart dropping into her stomach once again. The only thing it proved was that he had been willing to entertain the possibility of rekindling their romance. It didn't say anything about his reasons for doing so or what his feelings for her were now.
She had thought she was doing everything right, but...
He was miserable the entire time.
How was she supposed to move on after hearing something like that?
"How am I supposed to let this go, Isabel? How? I know I shouldn't want someone who doesn't want me, but I can't help it," she choked out. "I always thought...but now...now..."
Her eyes burned hot with tears again, and she blinked rapidly, trying to force them back. As she struggled to compose herself, Isabel placed a hand on her shoulder.
"You do it by focusing on the parts of your life you can control," she told her firmly. "Focus on doing your job as a field agent. Spend time with your friends. Pick up a new hobby. Read a book. Go on a hike. Get a spa treatment. Clean your apartment; if it helps, get rid of anything that reminds you of him. And with time, you'll find that the memories with Akai are just another page in the book."
"How long will it be until that happens?" Jodie asked quietly.
"I don't know. It's different for everyone. But it will happen someday as long as you put in the work."
She nodded, forcing a smile onto her face. There was no telling whether Isabel's advice would work, but she supposed it couldn't hurt to try. Isabel patted her on the shoulder one last time, then jumped to her feet abruptly, pulling a spluttering Jodie off the couch with her.
"Isabel! What are you doing? Where are we going?"
"Where do you think? We're going out for a girls' night, of course," Isabel replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "There's nothing like a few glasses of tequila to help you get over having your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped into a bloody mess."
"Thanks for the mental image."
"You're welcome. Now come on, let's get you out of those clothes. I've got a dress that would look amazing on you."
Shaking her head, Jodie chuckled to herself and allowed Isabel to drag her upstairs to her room. Part of her thought she should remind Isabel that they were supposed to go to work tomorrow, but she had just had one of the worst days of her life, and if Isabel wanted to take her out for drinks to cure her woes, she certainly wasn't about to complain.
A few days later, Jodie was in the middle of eating breakfast when her phone buzzed with an alert for a new message. She picked it up, nearly choking on a bite of fried eggs when she saw that the message was from Shu. For a few seconds, she stared at her phone, debating whether to read it. Ultimately, however, her curiosity got the better of her.
The message was hardly anything special, just an invitation to meet at Starbucks for lunch. He hadn't even bothered to say good morning or ask how she was doing. Apparently, he needed to talk to her about something, but he hadn't specified what it was.
Jodie reread the message over and over, frozen in her seat. Her heart felt as though it had been caught in her throat, and her mind was spinning with about a million questions. What could Shu possibly want to talk to her about? Why was he reaching out now? How was she supposed to respond to this? Should she ignore his request and continue trying to move on with her life, or should she agree to hear him out? She knew it probably wasn't a good idea to see him in the state she was in, but at the same time, there were still questions she wanted answered.
In the end, her curiosity got the best of her, and she agreed to meet him for lunch. Maybe Isabel had been right in telling her that asking Shu to explain why he had stopped loving her was a mistake, but she needed some type of closure. Besides, whatever he had to say, it couldn't possibly make her feel worse than she already did.
(She had a feeling she was going to regret her decision horribly.)
After she finished cleaning up, she went to the bathroom across the hall from her bedroom. She eyed her reflection critically, taking in her unbrushed hair, oversized gray sweatshirt, and dark gray sweatpants. Since she hadn't originally planned on leaving her apartment today, she had only planned on wearing something that was comfortable and at least reasonably clean. Now that she would be meeting Shu for lunch, however, she knew she needed to make herself look a little more presentable.
Unfortunately, that left her with another dilemma: she had no idea what to wear. What was the proper dress code for a meeting with one's ex-boyfriend? Was there a dress code for something like that?
She needed to find an outfit that would send the message that she had moved on, but unfortunately, figuring out how to do so was proving to be more difficult than she had hoped. On one hand, if she showed up looking like she had just rolled out of bed fifteen minutes ago, it would look like she was still moping over him (which she was, she supposed, but he didn't need to know that). But on the other hand, if she dressed up too much, it would look like she was trying to win his attention so that he would take her back. At that point, she might as well stamp "Take me, I'm yours," on her forehead in bright red ink. Maybe she could hire someone to perform a musical number in case he didn't get the message.
Jodie tried to suppress a flicker of hope at the thought of Shu wanting her back. Seeing the way he had looked at Furuya the other day had all but proven that he would never fall for her again, and if she was going to move on, she needed to disabuse herself of the idea that there was still a chance for her.
(She told herself that, but unfortunately, her head and her heart existed in two separate realities.)
Eventually, she settled on a pair of medium-wash jeans, a plain pink shirt, and a cream-colored cardigan. As she ran a brush through her hair, she considered styling it but ultimately decided against it. When it came time to put on her makeup, she decided on her usual combination of mascara and rose-colored lipstick. Once she was finished, she stepped back and studied her reflection again, feeling a twinge of satisfaction at the result.
Good. I look like I tried to put effort into looking nice today, but I don't look like I'm trying to impress him. It's just right.
Glancing at her watch, she saw that she still had four hours before her lunch meeting with Shu. With nothing else to do until then, Jodie went back to her room and picked up a book. She sat down on the edge of her bed and began to read, trying not to think about what was to come.
Hopefully, she didn't end up regretting her decision to wear mascara later.
Shu was sitting at a table near the entrance of the crowded coffee shop when Jodie entered, a pair of grande-sized coffee cups and two ham and cheese sandwiches in front of him. He looked up as she approached, and as their eyes met, she felt her heart begin to pound against her chest. For a moment, she stood frozen in place, torn between wanting to turn tail and flee and wanting to stay right where she was if it meant he would keep looking at her for just a few more moments.
"Hello, Jodie," Shu greeted her, effectively snapping her out of her trance. "Go on, have a seat."
"Oh...thank you," Jodie replied lamely.
"It's good to see you," he said, smiling slightly as she sat down across from him. He pushed one of the sandwiches toward her. "Here, this is for you."
"Thank you. That's very...considerate of you."
They sat there for several minutes, the silence between them only broken by the sound of the wrappers being removed from the sandwiches. Jodie watched Shu silently as she ate, analyzing his appearance to see if she could pinpoint any hidden meaning in his choice of clothing today. Maybe, if she looked hard enough, she could find a sign of some sort that he had been thinking about her when he was getting ready for the day too. But Shu was dressed in his usual attire: a gray shirt, a black jacket, black pants, and his trademark knit cap. There was nothing to suggest that his clothing selection had been based on anything other than wanting to wear what made him comfortable.
Now that she was looking more closely, however, she could see that there were a few subtle differences in his appearance. The bags under his eyes were less pronounced, he was sitting up a little straighter, and he seemed to smile more naturally. Most people probably wouldn't have noticed these changes, but Jodie was a trained FBI agent, so she spotted them immediately.
She didn't know how to feel. On one hand, she was happy to see that Shu was doing better. When they were together, it had been clear that he was struggling with his own problems, and it had hurt to see the toll it was taking on his mental health. No matter what, she never wanted to see him suffer like that again. But on the other hand, as selfish as it was, she couldn't help feeling a pang of regret that it was Furuya, not her, who was responsible for the light returning to her ex-lover's eyes.
Suddenly, her mouth felt dry and it became increasingly difficult to chew.
"I'm surprised Furuya-san was okay with letting you see me," she remarked, unable to keep a note of bitterness out of her voice.
"Why?"
Jodie couldn't tell if he was purposely being obtuse or not. "No reason."
He inclined his head. "If you say so."
"Does he even know that you're here with me?" she asked.
"Yes. I told him I needed to speak to you, so he's waiting for me back at my apartment. And now that I think about it, he's probably cutting up all my other clothes as we speak because apparently, I have a terrible fashion sense. We're going out for dinner tonight before he goes back to Japan tomorrow."
Jodie almost felt ashamed at the bubble of hope that inflated in her chest at the implication of his words. "When he goes back to Japan? Does that mean you've decided to stay here, then?"
"No, not exactly. I still need to get a few things packed up and organized before I'm ready to move out, but I'll be leaving a week from today. Furuya-kun was kind enough to offer me a place in his home," Shu replied, a soft smile gracing his features. "So, that's why I invited you here. Since we'll both be busy over the next week, this is probably the last time we're going to see each other for a while, so I was hoping to clear the air between us before I go."
And just like that, the bubble burst. Jodie swallowed a lump in her throat and stared down at her half-eaten sandwich, unable to bear the sight of Shu practically glowing with happiness at the mere mention of Furuya's name.
Why can't you look at me like that?
Jodie wanted to cry. She wanted to throw something and yell that it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Shu and Furuya had only been together for a few days, and yet Shu was clearly already in love with him. But she was an adult, and she wasn't about to make a scene in public, so she merely sat there and focused on controlling her breathing.
"Are you happy with him?" she asked, finally managing to regain control of herself for the time being.
"I am," he replied, that same smile crossing his face once again. "Furuya-kun and I understand each other on a level that no one else does these days. Being with him makes me happy in a way I never thought I would experience again."
Every word that he spoke pierced her like a dagger, tearing open the wounds she had tried to patch up after her talk with Isabel and adding a few new ones to the mix. She had known from the beginning that there was no chance they would ever get back together, but deep down, part of her had clung to the hope that maybe her intuition was wrong. Now, however, she had no choice but to accept the truth. Shu had moved on, and if she was being honest with herself, he had probably moved on long before they broke up. Whatever spark there had been between them was gone for good now, just as Isabel had said.
Apparently unaware of her inner turmoil, Shu continued, "However, I wanted to apologize for the way I ended things between us. While it was the right decision, I should have handled things better. I understand if you aren't ready, but I would like us to be friends if that's still something you believe possible for us."
He sounded like he was being sincere, and Jodie wanted nothing more than to be able to accept his apology. She tried to tell herself that this was the best path forward. Even if he didn't love her anymore, at least she would still be able to keep him in her life as a friend. That was better than nothing, wasn't it?
She told herself that, and for a moment, she almost believed it, but...
"Tell me something."
"Anything."
"Is what Furuya-san told me true? Did you really think it was a mistake to get back together with me?" Jodie asked.
Shu remained silent, but it didn't matter. The look in his eyes told her everything she needed to know. She swallowed again, unable to stop a few tears from springing into her eyes. His eyes softened with regret, and he reached out to her, but she pulled away.
"Jodie..."
"Why did you agree to try again, then? Why would you get back together with me if you thought it was a mistake all along? Why did you use me?" she demanded, choking back her tears.
"I wouldn't say I was using you. I didn't think it was a mistake when I first agreed to give our relationship a second try," he explained.
"Then when did you start thinking it was? Wait, no, don't answer that. I guess the better question is why you decided to stay with me after you realized you didn't want to be with me."
He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again, his mouth pressed in a thin line.
"Was it because of Furuya-san?" she asked. "Is that why you broke up with me?"
"No," Shu replied. "That isn't why."
But there was something in his voice that made it clear he was lying, or at the very least not telling her the whole truth.
"You're hiding something," Jodie said flatly.
"There's nothing to hide."
"Stop lying!" she snapped, anger flaring in her chest. "I've known you for years, Shu. Do you really think I can't tell when you're not telling me something?"
At that, Shu closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as if he had a headache. "Look, Jodie-"
"Were you cheating on me?"
"No!" he exclaimed, sounding genuinely affronted this time. "You know I wouldn't do something like that to you."
"Well, I find it hard to believe that you could be so sure Furuya-san is the right one for you if you've truly only been together for a few days. And don't think I didn't notice that you got together with him less than a month after we broke up. It's only been three weeks, for God's sake. How dense do you think I am?"
"Why does it matter when Furuya-kun and I got together?" he asked, looking exasperated. "What difference does it make if we got together three weeks, three months, or three years after you and I broke up? You and I weren't together anymore."
"No, but it's the principle of the matter," she explained in frustration. Why couldn't he see things from her perspective? "You could have tried a little harder to make it seem like our relationship was important to you."
"What did I do to make you think it wasn't?"
She just stared at him, not entirely certain how to respond to that. He stared back at her for several moments before something finally seemed to click.
"Look, Jodie. I see what it looks like, but I promise that you've got it all wrong," Shu sighed. "Yes, I do love Furuya-kun. And yes, it's true that I haven't...been in love with you for some time. But neither of those factors played into why I got together with him so soon after we broke up. The fact that he showed up at that time was just a coincidence, but I am grateful that he did. We can talk to each other about things that we can't share with anyone else, and being together feels natural for both of us. My choice has always been him even if it took me a while to realize that."
"I don't think I need to hear about how wonderful Furuya-san is."
"However, none of that means I didn't also care about you, nor does it mean I was using you," he went on as if she hadn't said anything. "I agreed to try again because I thought it would work out this time, and I stayed because I believed it was the right thing to do. Yes, I eventually realized I had made a mistake, but I stuck it out for a few months because I thought I could stick it out. And when I ended things, it was because I realized I couldn't. That's what it came down to. I...we...needed something different."
His words hit her like a slap to the face. "So you were just leading me on, then? Is that it? You let me believe for months that you were serious about us, and this whole time, you...you..."
She choked on the rest of her tirade, more tears blurring her vision. Frustrated, she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep them from falling even as a few slid down her face.
"Jodie, I promise it was never my intention to hurt you."
"No?" Jodie asked bitterly, finally looking him in the eye again. "That's funny because, for someone who says they didn't intend to hurt me, you do a very good job of doing exactly that."
For once, Shu didn't seem to have anything to say in his defense. Closing her eyes once more, Jodie took a few deep breaths, counting to ten as she tried to collect herself.
"Tell me one more thing, then," she said finally, opening her eyes. "If Furuya-san hadn't come to visit, would you still have gotten together with him?"
"Yes," Shu replied instantly, tearing her heart apart a little more. "It would have taken a little more time, but it would have happened eventually. As I said before, my choice has always been him."
"And if I hadn't asked you...would you ever have asked to get back together with me?"
Shu remained silent for several agonizing seconds, then...
"No."
It was amazing how much of an effect a two-letter word could have on a person's sense of self-worth.
For a moment, Jodie reflected on the fact that, if this had been a scene out of a movie, there would have been a point during their conversation in which they looked into each other's eyes and reflected on everything they had lost after separating from each other. Cheesy, sentimental music would have played in the background, and there would have been an unspoken agreement that things weren't over between them. They would have realized that their love was worth fighting for after all, and their new relationships simply weren't providing them the same sense of fulfillment.
But this wasn't a movie. This was real life, and in real life, people didn't look at their exes and realize how much they missed them when they were already happily in love with someone else. And now, once and for all, Jodie had no choice but to accept the painful truth.
Shu was never going to look at her that way again.
"I see," she replied, trying to keep her voice steady. "Thank you for being honest with me. However, I think...I think this is where you and I need to part ways."
He blinked, then nodded. "Understood."
Jodie waited for him to say something else. She waited for him to ask why they needed to go their separate ways or at the very least ask if there was a chance they could still be friends. Even if Shu didn't love her back, she just wanted to know that he was still willing to fight to keep her in his life. But all he did was take a sip of his coffee, his face as expressionless as ever. She might as well have told him that gasoline prices were rising again for all the interest he was showing.
"Well...I suppose this is goodbye, then," she said quietly.
"I suppose it is," he agreed.
"It's been an honor to work alongside you, Shu. I hope Furuya-san makes you as happy as I wanted to," Jodie whispered.
With that, she rose from her seat and walked out of the coffee shop. As she made her way back to her car, a heavy sense of finality weighed down on her, and she knew that with every step, she was sealing her fate. But there was no other choice. Shu had made it abundantly clear where his heart lay, confirming what she had known from the moment she saw him walk out of his apartment with Furuya, and she had to let him go now.
Part of Jodie wondered if she should have accepted Shu's offer to remain friends. At least that way, she could have kept him in her life. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized she wouldn't have been satisfied with that. As much as she wished it wasn't the case, she desperately wanted to be where Furuya stood, and now that she knew it would never happen, she didn't think she could stand to be near Shu knowing that she hadn't been enough for him.
In a way, Jodie was glad that the truth was out in the open. At least now she knew why Shu had dumped her again after promising to try to make things work this time. But at the same time, the truth was so much worse than anything she could have imagined.
It didn't seem like she had done anything wrong, at least not exactly. But it didn't seem like there was anything she could have done right either. She had tried everything; she had remained patient and understanding through every fight, she had willingly offered a shoulder to lean on, and she had lent an ear even as he repeatedly refused to open up to her about his problems, but at the end of the day, it hadn't made a difference. She was not Furuya, and if Furuya was the person Shu needed, she was never going to be good enough.
Life would go on, and Jodie knew that one day, she would be content with simply knowing that Shu was happy, but for now, all she wanted to do was hide away from the rest of the world for a while and wallow in self-pity. Maybe she would put on a few chick flicks and eat a tub of her favorite chocolate chip ice cream. It was cliche, and she didn't even like chick flicks, but she needed something to make herself feel better.
Wearing mascara had definitely not been a good call today.
Three nights later, Jodie was curled up in bed, where she had remained ever since calling in sick the morning after her disastrous lunch meeting with Shu when she received an unexpected visitor. When she opened her front door, she found Camel standing outside, his hair drenched from the rain, holding a bag of takeout from her favorite restaurant. His eyes widened slightly when he saw her, and Jodie realized what a pathetic sight she must have been with her disheveled hair, bloodshot eyes, and tear-streaked cheeks.
"Hey, Camel. I'm sorry, I didn't know you were coming," she sniffled, trying to smile as she hastily stuffed a tissue into her pocket. "I haven't really been able to look at my messages lately."
"Ah, no, it's okay. Isabel sent me here, actually," Camel said, slowly stepping into her apartment as though he wasn't quite sure if he was allowed inside. "She said you probably needed something to cheer you up."
She blinked. "How did she know?"
"Oh, that. We had a farewell dinner for Akai-san tonight, and she was confused when you didn't show up," he explained. "And Akai-san...well, he didn't give too many details, but he told us that you two had a talk that didn't go well and that you probably needed someone to check on you. So...here I am."
"Ah...I see."
It was strange, she reflected. A few days ago, if she had heard that Shu had asked them to check on her, she would have taken it as a sign that there was still a chance he harbored feelings for her. Now, however, she knew that wasn't the case. She didn't know if Shu had been driven by a desire to mend their friendship or guilt over the way their last conversation had unfolded, but whatever the case was, she knew she wasn't in his heart anymore.
Camel set the box of takeout on the table while Jodie went to fetch herself a fork. Deciding not to bother with plates, she sat down and began eating out of the box. Somehow, the seafood scampi, which was usually one of her favorite dishes, didn't taste as good as usual. She ate slowly, trying to enjoy her meal, but no matter how hard she tried, her thoughts kept wandering to Shu, the ache in her chest growing stronger and stronger by the minute.
After a few minutes, Camel asked tentatively, "May I ask what happened between you and Akai-san?"
Jodie sighed. "I made a mistake. He asked if we could meet up so we could clear the air a little, and I agreed because there were questions I thought I wanted answered. And I asked, and I got them. But now, I wish I hadn't said anything, because..."
She trailed off, remembering the look on Shu's face when he talked about his new beloved. That, in all honesty, was what hurt the most about her current situation, which, of course, meant that it was the part she had dwelled on the most over the past few days.
Part of what made Shu such an incredible agent was his ability to mask his emotions. Even the people closest to him rarely had the privilege of seeing what he truly felt, not even about something as inconsequential as a cup of tea. But when Shu talked about Furuya, it was as if a ray of sunshine lit him up from the inside, chasing away the ghosts from his past that she could always see in his eyes. He was positively radiant with love, and as much as Jodie wished she could enjoy seeing him look so happy and fulfilled, it stung that it was someone else who made him glow like that.
"It's over. He doesn't love me. And he's never going to love me again. I didn't do anything wrong, at least according to him, but...he basically told me that I wasn't what he needed. He needed Furuya, and I'm not Furuya, so now, I get to spend the rest of my life knowing that I wasn't...that I wasn't..."
Tears spilled down her face again as she let out a choked sob. Silently, Camel handed her a napkin, and she covered her face with it, trying to muffle the sound of her crying as frustration welled up inside her.
She wasn't supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be strong; she was supposed to keep her emotions in check and focus on doing her job as an FBI agent. Besides, if Shu couldn't appreciate everything she had done for him, he didn't deserve her tears anyway. At least, that was what the logical part of her mind told her. Lately, though, the logical part of her mind had been forced to sit back and watch as she rode the worst emotional rollercoaster of her life.
After a few minutes, Jodie slowly managed to get herself under control. As she wiped her eyes one last time, Camel reached out, placing a hand on her arm.
"Listen, Jodie," he began. "This might not be what you want to hear right now, but just because things didn't work out with Akai-san doesn't mean you need to spend the rest of your life dwelling on it. You can't control what he feels, but you can control how you choose to move forward from now on."
"I know, but..."
"You can choose whether you're going to keep obsessing over a failed relationship or accept the lessons you learned from your time with Akai-san and use them to better yourself as a person. I mean, I'm not saying you're a bad person; you're definitely a great person, but, well...you know."
Jodie blinked. "I..."
"Look. No matter how many times you reread a book, the ending is never going to change, right? And sometimes, that means accepting the fact that a book didn't end the way you wanted. It's the same with relationships. If you dwell on every relationship that ends badly, all you'll end up doing is blinding yourself to the possibility of finding happiness somewhere else."
At that, she finally managed a small smile. "Since when did you become so good with words, Camel?"
"Ah, these aren't my words, actually. I'm just quoting a few things Isabel said earlier," he admitted sheepishly. "For someone who seems like she likes casual hookups more than committed relationships, she sure knows what she's talking about."
"Well, you're bound to learn a thing or two after going through everything she's gone through when it comes to dating."
"That's true."
Silence filled the air between them for several minutes before Jodie sighed again. "I know I need to move on from Shu, but it's just...it's hard. I know this sounds stupid, but I really thought he was the one."
"I know. And again, this probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but...just remember that Akai-san isn't the only guy out there. There are guys out there who would jump at the chance to be with you. So...don't get discouraged, yeah? Someday, you'll find someone who's worthy of being with someone as great as you."
Jodie glanced up, wondering if he was just saying that to make her feel better. When their eyes met, however, Camel's gaze was full of sincerity. There was another emotion on his face as well, but in the state that she was in, she couldn't figure out what it was.
As the minutes ticked by, they continued to gaze into each other's eyes, and...
Isabel had told her not to do this. She had warned her that she would only be making things more complicated for herself and everyone else, but at the moment, Jodie couldn't bring herself to care. Her hopes for the future had crumbled before her eyes, her pain had been laid bare for the whole world to see, she had hit rock bottom, and even if it was only for one night, she just wanted to feel good.
Shoving away the last of her misgivings, she brought Camel's face closer to hers and pressed her lips against his.
When Jodie woke up in the morning, the first thing she felt was the familiar yet almost-forgotten feeling of the presence of a man in her bed. The second thing she felt, at least once she had rubbed the sleep from her eyes, was a suffocating sense of shame. Her breath caught in her chest, and she squeezed her eyes shut as she felt Camel beginning to stir beside her, hoping that he would just get up and leave so they could avoid the awkward conversation that was sure to come for at least a little while longer.
Unfortunately, luck wasn't on her side. One minute passed, then two, then five. Soon, ten minutes had gone by, and he still showed no sign of leaving anytime soon. Eventually, Jodie was forced to admit to herself that she couldn't afford to pretend to be asleep for much longer. She sat up reluctantly, aware of Camel shooting her occasional glances out of the corner of her eye, but the pit in her stomach made it impossible to meet his eyes.
"So, uh," she heard him say with a small cough. "That was a thing that happened."
"Yeah. That happened."
Camel was silent for several seconds, then said slowly, "Ah...so, I suppose this means I should..."
"I'm sorry," Jodie groaned, covering her face with her hands. "I don't know what I was thinking. I promise I'm not usually this type of person. Last night was just...I mean, I was just..."
"No, it's okay," he mumbled. "So...I guess that means you want me to leave, then?"
"I...well..."
The honest answer was yes, but she knew how it would look if she kicked him out after the night they had shared. She knew her actions had been born of a desire to feel wanted, and she normally wouldn't have dreamed of doing what she did if she had been thinking clearly, but that didn't excuse anything. Jodie didn't want to be the type of person who used others when she was feeling lonely and then kicked them to the curb, especially not someone like Camel, who had been nothing but supportive and understanding toward her. The least she could do was offer him breakfast.
"No, you don't have to go," she said finally. "At least let me make you some coffee and get you something to eat."
At that, Camel relaxed visibly, a small smile spreading across his face. Jodie breathed a sigh of relief as some of the tension in the air dissipated, and she knew she had made the right call.
"Breakfast would be great," he agreed.
"Great. Let me get cleaned up first, and then I'll make breakfast, yeah? Ah...I'm afraid I don't have a spare toothbrush or clothes that would fit you, though..."
"That's fine. I'll just drive back to my place and clean up there. It's not that far from here anyway."
"Alright, well, feel free to make yourself at home while you're waiting."
While Camel walked across the long hallway to the dining area, Jodie headed into the bathroom, pausing along the way to grab a bathrobe from her closet. Stripping off her clothes, she turned on the shower and stepped inside, letting the water cascade over her skin. Closing her eyes, she felt the last wisps of shame fade away, and she finally began to reflect on what had just transpired with a clearer head.
She had slept with one of her closest friends in an attempt to get over her ex. It had been a horrible, selfish thing to do, but there was no avoiding the facts. Now, however, she needed to figure out how to proceed from here on out. On one hand, she could continue to be selfish and ask Camel to pretend nothing had ever happened. On the other hand, she could make the choice to navigate the path she had inevitably them on together.
Jodie knew she wasn't in love with Camel, at least not yet. The wounds from losing Shu for good were still too raw and painful. But that was the thing: Shu was gone. He had moved on, and he wasn't coming back. It was time for her to move on as well and find happiness somewhere else, and if so...
She didn't plan on jumping into a relationship with Camel right away just because they had slept together now. That also wouldn't be fair to either of them; she didn't want to use Camel and discard him, but she also didn't want to make him feel like a substitute or a replacement. More to the point, who knew what his feelings toward her were anyway? Maybe he was interested in pursuing something with her, or maybe he simply wanted to stay friends. At the same time, however, she wasn't going to completely close herself off to the possibility of something happening later.
Besides, all things considered, she had genuinely enjoyed her night with him.
Twenty minutes later, with her head finally cleared, Jodie made her way to the kitchen. Camel was sitting in the living room, watching the morning news. He glanced up at her and gave her a smile, which she returned as she went to pour two cups of Stumptown Coffee Roasters into the coffee grinder before opening her fridge to check for something to make for breakfast. After a few moments of deliberation, she settled on scrambled eggs, bacon, and apple-cinnamon oatmeal.
"Hey, Jodie?" Camel spoke up suddenly over the whir of the coffee grinder. "Do you think you'll be coming to the office today?"
Jodie paused for a moment, then nodded. "I think I will, yes."
If she was going to move on with her life, that meant she couldn't hide in her room feeling sorry for herself anymore. She didn't know if she was completely ready to face the rest of the world yet, but she wanted to escape the cycle of despair she had trapped herself in, and if that meant taking a small leap of faith, that was just the way things were.
"That's good. Everyone's been wondering if you're alright."
"Yeah, I suppose so."
She winced internally, mentally preparing for the onslaught of questions from her coworkers that was sure to come. At least only Camel and Isabel knew why she had really missed three days of work. As for everyone else, Jodie was perfectly content with letting them think she had just caught an ill-timed stomach bug (not that a stomach bug could ever have good timing).
Eventually, they sat down at the table to eat, and Jodie decided it was time to share the results of the self-reflecting she had done in the shower. If they were going to have this conversation sooner or later, it was best to just get it off their chests now.
"Okay, Camel. We're adults, so let's not ignore the elephant in the room, yeah?" she began, and he nodded, his eyes fixated on her. "Last night...it was good. I enjoyed myself a lot, and I feel like you did too."
"I did," he agreed readily.
"I don't know what you want to happen between us from now on. I don't know if you want us to be together or if that was a one-time deal for you. However...I hope you can understand if I'm not ready for a new relationship just yet," Jodie went on. "And I'm not saying that because I don't want to be with you, nor am I saying that we can't be together in the future. I'm definitely open to the possibility. But right now, I'm just...I'm still not over Shu yet, and I need time to figure myself out before I commit to anyone else."
"That's okay. I wasn't exactly expecting you to magically get over Akai-san and fall in love with me after one night."
"Fair enough," she chuckled. More seriously, she continued, "So, I hope that it's okay if we just...take things slow and see how everything plays out for now."
"Of course," Camel agreed. "And while we're being honest with each other, I guess I should tell you that I do want to be with you. I meant it when I said you're a great woman, Jodie. But don't, ah, don't feel like you need to rush into anything on my part, okay? You just...figure out everything you need to figure out, and whatever the answer ends up being, I promise I'll be okay with it either way."
At his words, she smiled, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. "Thanks, Camel. I appreciate it."
Andre Camel was not Shuichi Akai. He was not the man she had believed was her one true love, and she had never dreamed of a future with him, complete with a family of their own. But maybe that was alright. Even if he wasn't her first love, life wasn't a Disney princess fairy tale, and not everyone found their lifelong partner on the first try anyway. Besides, even if Camel wasn't Shu, at least he was here. He was a good, reliable man who was committed to her happiness, and really, what more could she ask for?
Thursday, December 20 20XX at 16:03
Hey, Camel. I'm baking cookies for the bureau holiday party tomorrow, and I was wondering if you wanted to help. If not, that's totally fine. I know you're probably busy with your own holiday preparations too.
December 20 at 16:04
I'll bring over some chocolate chips and macadamia nuts.