Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Savannah felt conflicted. 

She knew she was Savannah, she knew she was trans, but xe didn’t know if the others would understand, even could understand. Maybe Noel would, but the rest? Star doubted it.

She had to tell someone though, and it couldn’t be her parents. Xe loved them, sure, but star couldn’t handle it if they weren’t accepting. She also knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it if the choir wasn’t.

Noel seemed the safest bet. So she pulled out her phone and sent him a message.

Ricky: Hey Noel…

Ricky: I need to talk to you

Noel: omg that’s totally not terrifying

Noel: what is it?

Ricky: i was thinking

Ricky: do you know much about being trans?

Noel: yes ofc

Ricky: well i’m kind of trans….

Noel: wait really?

Noel: what branch? non-binary, genderfluid

Ricky: you’re supportive?

Noel: who do you take me for Rick

Noel: I’m literally trans too

Ricky: wait really?

Noel: yeah i’m genderqueer

Noel: i use she/he pronouns

Ricky: YOU DID NOT COMMUNICATE THIS INFORMATION

Noel: WAIT DID I ONLY TELL MISCHA

Ricky: I’D ASSUME SO

Noel: NOOOO THIS IS FOR SURE MY DUMBEST MOMENT

Noel: but back to my question

Ricky: I’m a trans girl :)

Noel: omg slay

Noel: wait do you still use Ricky?

Ricky: no, actually, i’m testing out the name Savannah

Noel changed Ricky to Savannah

Noel: am I the first person you’ve told?

Savannah: yeah actually…you seemed like the right person to tell

Noel: STOP I’M LITERALLY CRYING

Savannah: noooo don’t cry :(

Noel: what are your pronouns?

Savannah: she/her but i’m kind of testing out xe/star as well

Noel: omg thats so cool, I’ve always wanted to try out neopronouns

Savannah: YOU SHOULD THEY’RE SO SILLY

Noel: wait

Noel: omg we have a trans trio now

Savannah: trio?

Noel: YES

Noel: one second

Noel created a new chat

Noel added Mischa and Ricky

Noel changed Ricky to Savannah 

Noel named the chat THREE TRANS????

Mischa:  ANOTHER??

Savannah: MISCHA IS TRANS???

Mischa: YES I AM ULTRA MEGA MANLY MAN

Mischa: SO MANLY I GET EXTRA TESTOSTERONE

Savannah: that's so real

Savannah: I can’t believe we’re all trans

Noel: we’re literally the whole spectrum

Savannah: YES XD

She grinned wildly, holding her phone close to xyr heart. Not only were they accepting, she’d found two other trans people. She wasn’t so alone anymore. It felt so good.

Chapter Text

Noel’s life had been dull recently, until Mischa Bachinski walked in. Walked was the wrong world, more like kicked down the door, yelling in ukrainian. 

He remembered it well, the day Mischa had been marched to the choir room by their principal in the middle of a rehearsal, being tugged by his collar, the principal announcing to everyone that he was going to be a part of the choir as a punishment, which Mischa had proudly stated was for stealing communion wine, yelling back at Ocean when she tried to scold him. 

That was what really got his attention, other than Mischa’s pretty face, his guts. 

No one stood up to Ocean anymore, him and Constance had long resigned themselves to just going along with whatever she said, only really challenging her for fun or when the things she said got a little too messed up.

That brought him to now, three months later, sitting in a plastic chair in the music room, listening to Ocean claim all of the solos for their next singing competition. They really should at least try to change something up, Ocean did all of the solos last time they performed at that competition and they came second place, which sounded great if you left out them being the only choir in competition, which Ocean loved to do, claiming her talents got them to second place. 

He brought that point up, rolling his eyes as Ocean argued back that they weren’t given first because Noel’s harmony’s were off. Constance gave him a sympathetic look, but he knew she would never go against Ocean to defend him. After settling in for what seemed to be a long monologue framed as an ‘argument’ he found himself taken aback when Mischa stood up, firing back at Ocean.

“I am sure Noel sounded perfect, you are one that always sings like…how would I say…a dying cat.”

Noel snorted, covering his mouth. He could hear Constance chuckling next to him, before whispering a sorry to Ocean.

“Sorry to break it to you, but you’re always sharp.” Noel smirked.

“I am not sharp, Noel!”

“Oh that’s true, sometimes you’re flat.”

“Noel, Mischa, please be kind, Ocean tries very hard.” Father Marcus said, standing between them, Ocean began to smirk. “But, I do think we should give some solos to someone else, Ocean, how about you and Constance take equal solos? I've written two parts perfect for you two in our main number.”

Noel watched Ocean agree, looking annoyed. She couldn’t even be bothered to pretend she was happy her best friend got a solo. 

He spared a glance to Mischa and found them locking eyes, Mischa already looking at him. He looked away quickly, blushing nervously. Noel nervously looked back to find Mischa still looking at him, he smiled awkwardly. 

After choir he started towards the nearby park, not feeling like going home just yet. It was one of those rare evenings he didn’t have work so he could take his time, maybe write some poetry or draw Monique. Suddenly, a voice yelled after him.

He turned around to find Mischa running to catch up with him, he finally stopped, letting out laboured, heavy breaths.

“You are very fast walker.” He finally said.

Noel thought about making an, ‘of course I am, I’m gay’ joke, but he wasn’t sure Mischa would get it so instead he smiled and responded.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It was more of just statement.” They laughed together. “Where are you going?”

“To the park, I was just gonna hang out there for a bit and go home.”

“Could I join you? I have smokes.” 

“Sure, if you’re sharing.”

Noel smirked, turning around and continuing to walk to mask his panic. Sure, he could act confident to Mischa’s face, pretend he didn’t care, an attitude that got him out of a lot of situations, but inside he was a mess, and he could feel it rising to his cheeks. He hoped Mischa would just chalk it up to cold. 

They walked together in mostly silence, until Noel sat down against his favourite tree, Mischa slumped down next to him, pulling out a packet of cigarettes and lighting one, passing it over to Noel. 

He’d never smoked before but he’d seen enough sad women do it in movies to know what to do. He didn’t even cough after his first drag, holding for a second before blowing the smoke out of his nose.

“You smoke?” Mischa asked.

“Not really, when I can.”  It was true, this was the first opportunity he was presented with. He passed it back to Mischa. “Ocean was a major bitch today.”

“I know! Did you see her when Constance got solo? She was so pissed for no reason!”

Noel snorted. “She’s always been like that, stuck up bitch.”

“How long have you put up with her?”

“Since pre-K, Constance noticed I always sat alone at lunch and invited me to eat with them. We were in the same class.”

“It is crazy how someone as nice as her got stuck with that little сука.”

“What does that mean?”

“Сука? Is ukrainian, sort of means bitch.”

Noel nodded. “You should tell Ocean it means friend, she’ll go around telling everyone she learnt ukrainian and call them all bitches.”

Mischa laughed, passing the cigarette back to Noel. “That does sound like her.”

“Did you know she claims to be a master at christianity, buddhism and judaism?”

Mischa burst into laughter, doubling over. “What!”

Noel giggled along. “I know!”

“You cannot just become jewish! Is very hard if you are not born into it.”

“Really?”

“Yes, unlike idiot christians we do not go round knocking on peoples doors asking if they have been saved, telling little kids they will go to hell if they don’t accept our god.”

“I’m pretty sure that first thing is just mormons.”

“No! They are like the girl scouts of religion!”

“Selling bible flavoured cookies?”

“Exactly!”

They laughed together for a minute, until it slowly died down into comfortable silence. They leaned against the tree, watching the sun set, passing cigarettes to each other.

For one of the first times in a while, Noel felt satisfied.

Chapter Text

Noel sat in the corner, drinking. After sitting cuddled with Mischa for a while, the other boy got up, ruffled Noel’s hair and headed to the back of the warehouse, somehow procuring another bottle of vodka. Noel settled back to where he was before, taking another swig of the bottle Mischa had left him with, when he heard a set of uncoordinated footsteps stumble towards him. Jane Doe.

He hadn’t interacted with her much other than some choreography with her and his weirdly acted out backstory. She craned her head, staring at him with large glassy eyes. She seemed to creep out everyone else and, sure, she was unsettling but when you got used to it she was really pretty.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Drowning my sorrows.” He snorted, taking another sip.

She sat beside him, still staring. “Sorrow is frequent here.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I liked your song, Noel Gruber. It helped us forget.”

“Thank you?”

She nodded, silently. “I did not understand my birthday. Ricky says we do not know it isn’t my birthday. But is that any better that not knowing if it is?”

Noel was finding it hard to concentrate on what Jane was going on about. It might have been the alcohol kicking in, or maybe she actually just wasn’t making any sense, so he tried his best.

“I think so, I’ve had some bad ones. Even if you know it’s your birthday you can still have a really bad time.”

She tilted her head to the side, watching him drink.

“I suppose that is true. This was a good birthday.”

“I’m glad.” 

Jane sporadically placed one hand on his shoulder. “You are kind.”

They sat in silence for a second before Ocean cried out, saying something about being punched in the boob.

Chapter Text

Mischa was nothing short of terrified. It’d been six months since the accident and five months since he realized he was completely head over heels for Noel Gruber.

He’d tried to push those feelings away, he didn’t want to ruin their friendship, but there was something about anything to do with Noel that it couldn’t be pushed into the corners and forgotten about. Noel was so present, her laughter was music to Mischa’s ears, he was always by Mischa’s side, cold hands brushing against his warm ones while they walked. 

Mischa knew he shouldn’t stare at Noel as much as he did, but he couldn’t help himself. Was it his fault that Noel had the prettiest smile, the sharpest gaze, the cutest mannerisms, and his eyes, god, Mischa could just go on forever about his eyes. So expressive, so beautiful, a gorgeous warm brown with little flecks of gold. And her hands, don’t even mention his hands, always cold, always soft and always busy, Mischa’s favourite use of them were when they were intertwined with his own. 

Those same gorgeous hands had just passed him a note during class. In Noel’s familiar curving handwriting read Mischa on the front, followed by a little heart. He glanced towards Noel, who gave him one of those soft, toothless smiles reserved just for Mischa, before she looked back down at his work.

He folded out the letter with shaky hands, it wasn’t unusual for Noel to pass him notes in class, but that little heart beside his name was new, and his mind was racing with possibilities on what it could mean.

‘Free after school? Meet me at our spot?

- Noel’

Mischa loved that Noel always called it their spot, something just for the two of them. In reality it was just a large tree behind the school, but it was important to them, and that’s what counted. He grabbed his own piece of paper, writing out in his usual scrawl ‘Yes! See you there :)’ and passed it back to Noel.

That afternoon, Mischa made a beeline for their spot, getting there before Noel, which was a feat within itself what with Noel’s long, slim legs. He arrived shortly after, though. 

“Am I going insane or are you on time?” 

“I am.” Mischa responded. “Am I going insane or are you late?”

Noel snorted, linking fingers with Mischa. “I’m not late!”

“I think Ocean is rubbing off on you.” Mischa laughed, beginning to walk.

He knew where they were going, they always went to Noel’s place. Her mum worked late and Mischa’s place wasn’t always available, with the unpredictable nature of his adopted parents. Noel gasped loudly.

“How could you say that!” Noel slapped him playfully.

“Is true!”

“I don’t see her that much anymore, she and Constance are always on dates now.”

“I cannot believe it took so long for them to get together.”

“I know right! I mean, Constance has liked Ocean for years and I like to think Ocean can at least see past her nose.”

“I am not sure about that.” 

Noel laughed, leaving Mischa’s cheeks red. He loved making Noel laugh. They continued chatting back and forth for about ten minutes until they reached Noel’s house.

Noel ran inside, pulling Mischa behind him, until they reached the living room. They threw their bags down into the corner and sat on Noel’s couch. 

“Today sucked, I’m so tired.” Noel yawned behind his hand.

“What happened?” Mischa asked, shedding his red vest.

“I had phys ed.” Noel groaned, covering her face with his hands.

Mischa knew that, he had Noel’s schedule memorized by now.

“I know, did something happen?”

“We had this stupid sub who was definitely homophobic.”

Mischa’s brows furrowed. “What did he do?”

“I’m with Ocean and Connie in that class and we were talking about pride and stuff and he told us that kind of talk wasn’t appropriate for school.” Noel explained, gesturing wildly. “I asked why, of course, and he said it wasn’t of god or something, like that’s so messed up! We weren’t even in religious studies!”

“That is so messed up.”

“I know.” He sighed, her head falling onto Mischa’s shoulder, just like back in the warehouse. “I cannot wait to graduate next year.”

“Me too, is scary though. Everyone has started talking about the future and universities and stuff. I do not know what I want to do.”

“Are you gonna follow your music?” Noel asked.

“I’d like to but is not that good.”

“What are you even talking about?” She snorted, sitting up. “Your stuff is great!”

“Noel, you hate my rap.”

“Yeah the rap…isn’t my thing, but your songs are beautiful. The ones you’ve been uploading recently.”

Mischa turned red. He hadn’t told the choir, apart from Ricky, about uploading those. Noel must check his youtube channel. Noel thought about him, and cared about the music he made.

“You really like them?”

“Yes! It makes me wonder who they’re about.”

“How do you know they’re about anyone!” Mischa spluttered.

“I don’t! I’m just saying she’s a lucky girl.”

That through Mischa for a loop, he blurted out without thinking. “Girl?”

Noel’s eyes grew wide. “Are they not about a girl?”

“No. Noel, you know I am bisexual.”

“Yeah but you use she/her pronouns in the songs!”

“So now you are assuming all people that use she/her pronouns are girls. That is not very progressive of you.” 

Noel laughed. “Of course I know that! I use she/he!” His eyes suddenly grew wide. “Wait, you’re not writing about a girl, but you’re using she?”

Mischa glanced down, keeping his eyes off Noel. “Yes.”

They sat in silence for a moment. God, he felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest. Maybe he could just sink into the couch and die. But it really was now or never.

“I’m glad you like them, Noel.” She looked up, watching Mischa speak, intently. “I mean, they are for you after all.”

Noel gaped at him. As the second ticked by Mischa's panic worsened, he fully expected to run out of there and never come back. Change his name and drive to America. Then Noel tentatively placed his hand over Mischa’s.

“I love them.” He responded.

Mischa brought up their hands, kissing Noel’s tentatively, testing the water. Her cheeks blushed a pretty pink colour Mischa thought suited him. He brought his other hand up to hold Noel’s cheek, feeling its warmth. 

“I really like you, Noel.” Mischa whispered.

They were alone in the house, he could shout it if he wanted to, but this was something small, something intimate, his closest guarded secret.

“I…I really like you too.” Noel confessed.

“Can I kiss you?”

Noel giggled. “Of course.”

Mischa pressed his lips against Noel’s, chastely. It was light, giving either the choice to back out, but they didn’t. Noel smiled at Mischa afterwards.

“You were my first kiss dead and alive.”

Mischa burst out laughing. “Well I am very lucky then, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, you are.” Noel smirked. “But so am I.”

Noel lent in and kissed him again.