Chapter Text
Remus isn’t looking well. Of course, Sirius doesn’t dare voice the thought, but it’s true, really.
Moony always gets a bit peaky near the full, but it’s always worse for the first few months after the transition from summer to Hogwarts.
Remus suspects it’s something about the change in location, and Sirius is inclined to agree.
In any case, tonight is October’s full moon, and Remus isn’t looking well.
He’s shakier, greener, snarkier, and while Remus is always tired, it’s to a much larger extent right before a transformation. Sirius has watched Remus fall asleep in every single one of their classes today, because the stubborn wanker refuses to skip.
“I can’t miss any more days than I already do, Padfoot!”
“Or you’re just a swot!”
“Better a swot than a smelly old dog, I fear.”
“Ooh, you’re hitting hard today, Moony. But you can’t lie to me. I know my hair is just as perfectly groomed as always, even when I’m a dog. And you loovvveeee Padfoot.”
Remus looks away as he always does when embarrassed, and Sirius wonders absentmindedly if his friend’s skin gets warm from a blush too difficult to be seen on Remus’ dark skin.
And now, when Sirius is watching Remus as he dozes in the common room before heading to the hospital wing, he wonders if maybe one day he’ll be brave enough to reach up and see. If Remus would let him.
Sirius is shaken from his thoughts by someone clearing their throat behind him.
“Shh,” he says quietly, “Remus is sleeping.”
James leans his head down against the back rest of the couch where his friends are, “Such a sweet sleeper, our Moony. But it’s about time for him to head to Pomphrey.”
Sirius glances at the clock situated above the fireplace, “Oh, shit.”
As hesitant as Sirius is to wake Remus from his slumber against him, he knows it must be done.
“Remus,” Sirius shakes his friends arm a bit, “Moony! Come on, up you get.”
Remus’ eyes crack open, peeks of amber shine through, and he looks so grumpy and rumpled and soft and—
“Wha’s the time?” and Merlin, his voice is raspy and deep. Sirius could listen to Remus talk forever, he thinks.
“Fifteen minutes ‘til six, mate.” James chimes in from behind them.
Remus rubs his hands down his face and groans, “Ah, fuck.”
“I’ll walk you down, Moonshine.” Sirius says in what he hopes is a soothing tone.
James leans back in, “And, you know, we’ll be there before you know it.”
A weary grin crosses Remus’ face, “Yeah, I know.”
“Great!” James pats Remus on the back, ruffles Sirius’ hair, and starts towards the portrait, “I have a detention with Pete tonight, but we’ll be back in time! Have no fear, fellow messers.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius calls after him before turning back to Remus, “Bloody idiots. How’d they manage to get a detention on a full?”
Remus huffs a laugh, which turns into a groan as he stands up, “I’m sure if it weren’t for my—“ he glances around furtively, only to find no one paying attention, “—furry little problem, you would end up with a detention at every opportunity. Including full nights.”
Sirius tips his nose up haughtily, “Yes, well, hasn’t happened yet, has it? Just proves another reason why I’m your favorite.”
They make their way out of the common room and start meandering down the passages to the hospital wing.
Not for the first time, Sirius curses whoever built Hogwarts to have so many stairs.
“Believe what you want, Pads,” Remus retorts, mischief in his voice, “everyone knows my favorite is Lily.”
Sirius squawks, jealousy rising up green and ugly. “Lily? Lily Evans? That swot? What about us, Remus, what about our sacred bond! Ugh, no, Moons, she doesn’t count, and I’m going to forget you said anything. I might actually obliviate myself if you say that again, be warned. I’m talking Marauders only.”
“For the record,” Remus says pointedly, “you have called me a swot at least once a day, and we’re still friends. Not to mention that Lily’s like my sister. The James to my Sirius, if you will.”
Sirius can’t help but wrinkle his nose at that comparison. What he and James have is special, no one can replicate it. And certainly not with his Moony.
Remus isn’t yours, Sirius.
“And—“ Remus continues, “—if we’re talking Marauders only, I have to go with Wormy. That man is my only other force of reason against the chaos that is you and James.”
Sirius’ mood only sours more, and he can’t help but respond, “but Peter’s so boring! what’s he got that I don’t?”
Remus cuts him a sharp, disapproving glance that makes Sirius feel a bit guilty.
“Peter’s not boring, he’s nice. He’s quiet, more of a listener, I suppose.” when Sirius only scowls more, Remus jostles his shoulder and adds, “plus, Wormtail gets the best weed.”
Sirius recognizes the lighthearted joke for what it is, and acquiesces.
“Bloody wanker won’t tell anyone who he’s buying from.” he grumbles.
Remus leans in, eyes sparkling. Sirius almost misses what he says next. “I’m near positive he’s growing it himself. Been spending an awful lot of time around the greenhouses, hasn’t he?”
Sirius gasps, holding a hand up to his chest in faux outrage, “Without telling us? oh, Wormy, this might be a betrayal of the highest order.”
Remus snorts as he moves to lean on Sirius a tad. Sirius forces himself to keep cool, it’s for balance, you idiot. stop freaking out.
“Tell you what, Pads. After this moon, you and I can sneak down and try to find his stash.”
“Devious, my Moonage Daydream!”
Remus raises a brow. “Are you in or not?”
Sirius scoffs a laugh, “As if I would ever say no.”
When Remus abruptly stops walking, Sirius looks around and realizes with a jolt that they’ve arrived at the hospital wing. This happens often when he’s distracted. Sirius loses himself in conversation, or banter, and doesn’t take in what’s around him.
He’s walked into more walls and doorframes than he would like.
Before Remus slips inside for the night, he raises two fingers up to his temple in a sardonic salute. Sirius counters that by pulling Remus into a hug.
Moony hugs aren’t something that happen often, much to Sirius’ chagrin. Remus is lanky, and a bit bony, but his hugs are always the ones that Sirius feels at home in. Something about the way that Remus’ arms wrap completely around Sirius’ torso, the way Remus has to slightly lean down and Sirius has to reach a bit up. It’s homey. It’s familiar, and silly, and somehow not the least bit awkward.
When Sirius feels Remus’ legs begin to shake from the effort of the walk and standing for so long, he reluctantly pulls away.
Remus grins, a small crook of his mouth on one side. “See ya later, Padfoot.”
Sirius does a mini bow as Remus turns to walk away. “Always, Moony.”
And the doors shut behind him.
Sirius stands there for a few seconds longer before sighing and turning around to make the journey back to the common room.
Tracing his fingers across the brick walls, Sirius lets his mind wander, as it usually does, to his family.
See, about a week after Sirius had returned to Hogwarts after summer holiday, he had received a letter. A warning.
Upon your return to Grimmauld Place this Yule, be prepared to initiate into our plans for a new world.
It’s time for you to finally accept your duty as the Black family heir. Your mother and I have tolerated your many faults with grace and hope that you might see reason. Now, we are expecting that you become the son we have always wanted you to be. No more mistakes, Sirius Black.
Prepare your best manners to meet our esteemed guest this Yule, Mr. Tom Riddle.
Sirius had hidden it in his cloak the moment it had arrived, and read it by himself later that night. He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
Everyone knows who Tom Riddle is. the new “Pureblood Savior,” as Sirius’ family is inclined to call him. Riddle is a politician, a blood purist of the highest order. Sirius is afraid of him.
And Sirius might play dumb at school sometimes, but he’s not stupid. He knows what “initiation” he’s expected to take. After all, Bellatrix hadn’t exactly been shy over the summer when she’d thrusted her left arm in his face. Right in the middle of her pale—almost sickly—skin, was a snake with a skull.
The sign of the death eaters.
So yes, in simple terms, Sirius was completely and utterly fucked.
At first, he had imagined running. Just taking all of his belongings and leaving Europe completely. But they would find him. They will always, always find him. He can’t escape his own blood, after all.
Next, Sirius had thought about fighting it. Telling them in no uncertain terms that he hates them, and that he’ll never follow their beliefs. But that would lead to almost certain death. And Sirius wouldn’t care if it was only him, but it’s not.
If Sirius dies, then Regulus becomes the heir. And being the heir means—well, Sirius refuses to make Regulus suffer through that.
He can’t run, he can’t fight.
Sirius has no options. No ideas. And he refuses to get his friends involved. They would only get hurt.
Ever since receiving the letter, Sirius has felt one wrong move away from an explosion. He’s always had trouble controlling his emotions, much to his parents’ dismay. But now, especially, Sirius has already had to run out into the forest to just expel all his extra energy.
Sirius has always been told he’s too much. Too much work, too much effort, too much to be worth it. This—this whirlwind of feelings and magic and thoughts, they build up inside of him with nowhere else to go.
He can tell his friends have noticed the change. James has already pulled him aside twice to ask what’s wrong, only to be met with Sirius’ laughter and dismissals.
Peter’s been even more wary around Sirius, thinking through just about every sentence before speaking it. Always looking to James after addressing Sirius, knowing James would protect him.
Remus has taken to watching him just the tiniest bit closer. Sirius has always felt like Remus can see right through him, and this isn’t any different. But at least Moony doesn’t ask questions. No, Remus knows just how important some secrets can be.
But Remus has only brought up this change once.
It had been after a prank. One that, while Sirius had been giggling, James and Peter were just looking at him confusedly. Remus though—Remus was frowning at him, brows furrowed in disappointment, shaking his head. And that made Sirius feel even worse.
Immediately after dinner that night, Remus had pulled him into an empty classroom.
“Why’d you do that, Sirius?”
His heart had sunk, Sirius knew he was about to get chewed out.
“Do what, Moony mine?”
Remus just shook his head again, “don’t do that, don’t play dumb or innocent with me. I know you, Sirius. Why did you do it?”
Sirius felt his pulse quicken. He didn’t know how—he couldn’t explain why. He had just—he had needed to do something, anything , to get his mothers voice out of his head.
Instead of saying any of that, Sirius had just pasted on a smile that he knew looked more like a grimace than anything else.
“It was funny, Moony. That’s why. Merlin, being a prefect has really done a number on you, hasn’t it?”
Remus clenched his jaw, “bullying a bunch of first years by releasing pixies in their dorms has never, and will never, be funny to me. And if it is to you, I’d suggest going to Poppy to receive the antidote to insanity.”
“Oh, come on! The pixies weren’t even dangerous! I had them all declawed and defanged, first!” Sirius had protested, knowing even then it was a mistake.
“It doesn’t matter, Sirius! It was cruel!”
Remus either didn’t notice or didn’t care how Sirius flinched away.
“And I know you, Sirius Black. You’re far from cruel.”
Sirius’ mind was racing, and all he can hear is Remus telling him that he had been cruel. Sirius has never wanted to be cruel. His mother is cruel, and Sirius would rather die than end up like his mother.
Cruel, you were cruel. You can’t hide from yourself, Sirius Black.
“What if you don’t know me like you think you do, Remus? Hmm? What then? What if I am cruel?” Sirius’ voice cracked, tears welled up in his eyes, and he angrily swiped them away.
“What if I’m just like them ?”
And he didn’t even have to specify who he was talking about. Remus knew. Remus always knew.
Sirius had instantly been wrapped up in Remus’ long limbs, falling into each other like it was the most natural thing in the world. Remus had run his fingers through Sirius’ hair, whispered calming words until Sirius had calmed down.
He pulled away, swiped at his eyes again, embarrassed. “Sorry, Moony.”
Remus had his hands on Sirius’ shoulders, and was looking him directly in the eyes.
Sirius had always loved Remus’ eyes. Amber and honey swirled together to create gold. Warmth and kindness, so unlike his own cold shade of gray. His mother’s eyes.
“Sirius, you are nothing like your family. And you never will be, okay? You choose to be better. Every day, we watch you choose to be better than them. You’re the most courageous person I know. You aren’t like them, I swear to you.”
And that was that. They had returned to the common room, and Sirius had pretended like he wasn’t either going to be dead or as good as dead by January.
Sirius is shaken from the memories by an irritating voice coming from behind him.
“Dropping Lupin off at the pound, hm?”
Sirius rolls his eyes, even as his heartbeat quickens.
“Why so interested, Snivellus? Did you need to ask Poppy whether she’d be able to get the fleas out of that mop on your head?”
Snape’s eyes narrow, and he stalks closer to Sirius. He can see that Snape has a hand clenched around his wand so tightly his knuckles have turned white.
As much as Sirius is dreading this conversation, something in his blood still sings.
Yes, it whispers, yes. Yesyesyesyes. Finally, a fight I can win.
“Shut it, Black. I know why he’s in there, the filthy halfbreed.”
Sirius does his best try at an uninterested state, inspecting his fingernails even as his hackles raise.
“Are you sure you’re not projecting, Snivelly?”
And, yikes. If James were here, he would’ve smacked Sirius upside the head after he said that.
Don’t insult blood status, Sirius. Don’t stoop down to their level.
But if Sirius thought Snape looked angry before, he looks downright murderous now. And, Merlin help him, something within Sirius gets excited at the sight. His magic has been itching to get out this entire week, it’s sitting active just beneath the skin. Collecting more each time his thoughts stray back to his unescapable Yule summons.
“Like you’re one to talk, Black. Your brother has told me all about your relationship with your family.”
And with two sentences, every single cautious or careful thought flies out of Sirius’ brain.
“ Don’t talk about my family.”
Snape grins, knowing that he’s hit a sore spot. “Hm, your brother doesn’t seem to have the same feelings about them as you. After all, he’s confided what your Yule plans are. I must say, Black, I’m almost jealous. If only you weren’t going, I’d have asked dear Reg to let me tag along.”
Sometimes, Sirius thinks that his path has already been paved. This cold, desperate anger wouldn’t feel so familiar otherwise. He thinks that maybe him being this way is inevitable: the moon will wax, an infinite and inescapable pattern, and Sirius Black will end up like his mother.
A mere reflection, inside and out.
“I’m warning you, Snape. Keep my friends and my family out of your slimy little mouth or I swear to Merlin I’ll—“
“You’ll what?” Snape laughs, “send your mother after me? I’ve heard she likes to leave marks, or maybe you’re just too weak to avoid them.”
And the words escape Sirius before he’s processed opening his mouth at all.
“Not quite, Snivellous. See, why spend all that time writing out a letter to my dear old mum when there’s something out tonight that’ll do worse for less?”
Snape sighs, crosses his arms, but Sirius can see he’s antsy. Good.
“I know you’ve had your suspicious about Remus,” Sirius continues, noting how Snape’s eyes shoot up in interest.
“Well, why not go test them out? I’m surprised it’s taken you this long, to be honest. I thought you Slytherins were supposed to be ambitious, determined.”
“Fuck you, it’s not so easy when he’s always got his pack around him. Suppose he’s just too pathetic to manage by himself.”
Sirius opens his mouth, almost closes it. Almost. The rest of it might have all turned out differently, it he had. But he doesn’t.
“Why not go see for yourself?” Sirius says smoothly. He feels disconnected from himself, like he’s in a dream, watching from above. “There’s a pathway underneath the Whomping Willow. If you hit the knot at the base of the tree, it’ll freeze long enough to sneak in. Then you’ll finally be able to relieve this stalker obsession of yours.”
“And what if you’re lying?” Snape says, suspicious. He’s eyeing Sirius like he’s trying not to sound too interested.
“Then no harm no foul, right? That’s the term your Muggles use. Unless, are you afraid, Snivelly? Need someone to hold your hand? Not that I’m offering, but maybe if you ask Evans nice enough she’ll—“
“Enough!” Snape spats. Literally, Sirius watches detached as spittle flies from his mouth. He gives Sirius one more searching, almost confused glance, before turning to speed away.
“Say hello to Moony for me!” Sirius cheers after him.
He’s not sure how long he stands in the corridor after that. A few seconds, minutes, it’s all gone. By the time Sirius has come back into himself, he’s been slowly meandering back towards the tower.
Somewhere a million light years away, a star implodes. The resounding black hole takes out the majority of stars and planets in the surrounding area. That’s how Sirius feels, anyways.
A sense of dread starts to grow in his gut, and he picks up the pace. He can’t—his brain isn’t processing what’s happened, but something is wrong. He’s done something wrong—he just—Sirius needs James.
James. James can fix this. He always does.
By the time Sirius makes it to the common room, he’s panting. Both from the run up, and that growing sense of something bad has happened.
I did something really bad.
Ignoring calls of hello from people say around the fire, Sirius sprints up the stairs into his dormitory. Just as he’s bursting through the door, James is standing directly in front of him, Wormtail sat on his shoulder and the cloak in hand.
“Sirius!” James is here, and he’ll make things better, but he just sounds so happy, that dopey grin reaching into every corner of Sirius’ cursed soul.
“Where’ve you been, mate? Pete and I just got back from McGonagall’s, we thought you might’ve already gone down.”
Sirius avoids his gaze, gathers his courage. He knows, he knows, he needs to say something to fix this.
“Jamie,” he chokes out, “James. I think—I think I did something really bad.”
James’ smile drops off into a confused tilt of his mouth, “what’s happened? Are you okay? What—“
“I told him.”
And everything goes silent. Wormy has scurried down back to the floor and stretches until Peter’s standing in his place. James’ face has hardened, a wariness there that Sirius hates—that Sirius has never once imagined could be directed at him.
“What did you do, Sirius?” And his voice is hard, emotionless except for a small fearful quiver. Peter has turned a suspicious gaze onto him, and Sirius just—
“I told Snape. I told him how to find Remus.”
James stares at him, anger and fear warring against each other. It only lasts a split second.
“Peter!” James jumps into action, using his Quidditch captain voice, already tugging the cloak around his shoulders and moving past Sirius to the stairs. “Peter! Go tell McGonagall what’s happened. I need to go get Snape.”
When Peter doesn’t move, still frozen and staring at Sirius with betrayal in his eyes, James snaps. “Peter, move!”
He jumps, only sending back one withering glance to Sirius before sprinting down the stairs, James hesitating only a second longer to turn to Sirius.
“You stay here, Sirius. I can’t—I don’t even know what to say to you. Stay here.”
And he runs down faster than Sirius has ever seen.
Sirius is left, standing in a room that reminds him of everything he’s about to lose. And at that moment, he hates himself—hates his blood—more than he’s ever hated anything.
The Black name was bound to catch up to him, eventually. That’s what they do. Spread their sickness and evil into anything and everything until it’s crushed.
Sirius Black knows that what he’s done is irreparable, a betrayal.
Look at yourself. You’ve become what you’ve always said you never would. You’ve become just like them.
I didn’t mean to! I just—Snape wouldn’t shut up, and I needed him to back off!
You’ve ruined the one good thing you’ve ever had. You infected it, and now it’s going to rot. By your own hand, you’ve killed it.
Oh, Moony. Remus. What have I done?
And Sirius Black is left—as he’s always known he would be—alone.